Friday, April 28, 2006
Their wireless, motion-detecting, wi-fi enabled system, codenamed "Revolution," has been officially saddled with the worst name since the car was originally called "chocolate motor seat thingy." They officially changed it in 1913, when people started hurling bricks at it in protest.
Anyway, what is potentially the most amazing and imaginative video game system to date is going to start it's uphill battle with the company that created it, because they named it "Wii." Go ahead and rub your eyes, because I'm sure you think you're not processing it properly.
If that wasn't stupid enough, it's pronounced "we." Then, they had to go into explaining the deepness of the name they cursed their plastic box and most passionate fans with. I'm not going to recap any of that here, because I figure if you have to do that much explaining, either you did something wrong or the joke's just not funny. Really, Nintendo would have been better of just passing this one off as a joke, because the response to this is about as positive as the response to strawberry flavored Dran-O or the real-life invisible jet. Well, plastic surgeons and head doctors made a killing off that last one.
What's wrong with the name? Well, for one, it's not a noun or an adjective. And according to my spellcheck, it's not even a word. That means they could have called it "Spladow" or "The Double McRibwich with cheese" and it would have had the same effect. And if they ever name anything "Spladow," I'm pretty sure it would have chrome spinners and a spoiler on it.
Or...what was wrong with naming it "Revolution?" Well, apparently, the Japanese have a problem saying the word, and they figure that since they invented it, they should be able to shore in the joy of calling it by it's given name like everyone else. I think that's just really selfish, because no one told them they had to have a language where certain basic syllables were rendered impossible to pronounce by their abnormal, sideways tongues.
Also, they've pretty much just removed any chance of Nintendo fanboys getting any kind of respect from their friends for having one. Well, they were going to get a limited amount anyway, just because they're playing video games to begin with, and none of that is coming from females. If you find one who will give you respect, club her in the head and hide her in the basement. It's a safe bet to assume that she's suffering from head injuries, probably from other dorks clubbing her in the head to earn her affections. That's probably why she respects guys who play video games.
Also, black people just aren't going to buy this thing, and they will loudly clown anyone who does. It couldn't be any less cool if you painted it pink and lime green stripes and it wore an ill-fitting wrestling shirt. And seeing as how this thing doesn't have an iced-out grill or a track by Lil' Jon to combat it's inherent uncoolness, the African-American community is going to take a collective pass on this one. Probably the Latino community, too.
Nintendo, you done messed up this time. Listen, I've been a supporter of Nintendo since the beginning. I defended the kiddie image, the cartridge standard on the Nintendo 64, the fact that it was called the Nintendo 64 at all, the lack of good sports games on the SNES, the Gamecube's design (it looks like something you'd find at Rave or Foxmoor)...but this one...I can't defend this one. Nintendo, it's just a stupid fucking name. Plain and simple. The only reason you released this information now, instead of at E3 is because you KNOW you have to play damage control and you want to get it out of the way. Only this time, it's not going to work. A name this bad is going to turn off people from trying it or buying it. Sure we'll get used to it, but that doesn't mean we'll like it.
Oh, and the name's not gonna stick. After all the perverted joke phase passes, it's going to just be called "the new Nintendo." No one who favors his manhood is going to call it "Wii." Unless they're mocking it, of course.
Now, there are some sports teams that everyone just seems to hate. Usually, its an isolated thing, where one city is pretty hostile towards a certain team. For instance, its a given that when the Cowboys go to Philadelphia, the crowd is going to be EXTRA hostile. Then there are those teams who seem to be hated, no matter where they go. In basketball, its the following five teams. And according to the spell checker, theyre hated so much that Ive made up a new word to describe the level of vitriol thrown their way. Of course, it might just be the five teams that I hate the most. Anyway, the five most hateable teams ever.
5. Reggie Miller's Indiana Pacers
This was a pretty well respected team, overall. They played hard, they played fairly clean, yet physical when they needed to. Yet, most people couldnt name more than one player on this team. If I were to say "Rik Smits" or "Haywood Workman," most people would stare at me blankly. But when I say "Reggie Miller," peoples' expressions change because they start remembering that time where he cut their teams heart out and pissed on it at center court. And because Reggie Miller IS the Pacers, the rest of the team is hateable by default. Hes not as entertaining as everyone elses favorite player. He doesnt have those fancy passes or monster dunks. All he does he shoot threes from anywhere on the court and make themat the wrongdamntimes. Usually, during a close game with 5 minutes or less on the clock in the 4th quarter. Or hell find a way to get on the line even though he was the one who fouled the one who was whistled. Or hell talk more trash than anyone else on the courtthen go out and back it all up. And when hes beaten you, hell rub it in. This guys body should have been found in a dumpster somewhere.
4. Patrick Ewing's New York Knicks
Thugs. Thats all this team was. Just a bunch of hoodlums and thugs. The roster over the years reads like a lineup of players who would look more at ease on America's Most Wanted. Xavier McDaniel. Charles Oakley. John Starks. Anthony Mason. A team of niggas who played and acted like niggas. And they were the perfect nemesis to the most beloved player on the planet: Michael Jordan. Combine that with their physical style (they secretly believed they were all linebackers and safeties) and their freakish and bestial leader, Patrick Ewing, who looked like he should be swinging from the trees. Its easy to see why people hated the Knicks. They were beating the crap out of Jordan multiple times a year and when the playoffs came, it only got worse. Jumping up and down on peoples rib cages or dropkicking people in the face. They did it all. Mostly to the Chicago Bulls.
3. Duke University
This team just always tends to have a player whos hateable. Christian Laettner. Steve Wojciechowski. Bobby Hurley. J.J. Redick. Guys who look like they shouldn't be able to play. They either look like that guy who made the high school team because he was tall (at my school, his name was Jason Teeter), or that short white kid who always gets trapped in the backcourt during 21 and is forced to throw up a prayer every time. Basically, they all look like guys who have no business being on a basketball court. But they win. They always win. They go on the road to whatever you school you like and beat the crap out of them. Their coach makes faces like last night's gerbil is still making moves, roundabout his colonic area. Thing is, most people can't explain why they dont like this team, unless they're UNC fans. They just attract hatred. I mean, look at them.
2. Detroit Pistons
The Original Bad Boys. What can I say about this team that hasnt been said about Dick Cheney? The thing that put this team above the Knicks is that they beat up more teams. The Knicks were only really known for being physical with the Bulls, while the Pistons abused the Bulls, the Celtics, the Sixers, the Lakers...treated them like prison bitches, they did. Theres at least one player on every team who was elbowed in the face by Bill Laimbeer or suplexed by Rick Mahorn. I swear, they even hit some people with steel chairs, but that got swept under the rug. This team was so dirty that Dennis Rodman was overshadowed until he got away from Detroit. Fights were a pretty common occurrence during their games, because they spent so much time trying to introduce elements of hockey and UFC into basketball, and the thing that pissed people off more than anything is that they tended to get away with it. Bulls fans know first hand. They beat up Scottie Pippen so bad, he was forced to become a man.
1. Larry Bird's Boston Celtics
This team is number one for one simple reason...we are all haters. This is probably the only team in the modern era thats hated down racial lines, as far as I know. Every kid I knew in the 80s hated the Celtics and we didn't even know why. The thing was, it was a white team beating black teams and we DID NOT like it. I know Robert Parish, Dennis Johnson, KC Jones and ML Carr were all black. I know. But the stars of the team, Larry Bird and Kevin HcHale, were white. Danny Ainge, one of the most hateable players of all time, was white. Bill Walton, the most overrated center of all time, was white. So youve got a white team playing in the most Irish city in America and beating black men at a game that was viewed as a BLACK game. We had to watch all of our heroes fall to this team, whether it was Magic, Michael, Doc, Nique, or Isiah, and it was PAINFUL to see. Watching Doc jab Bird in his face repeatedly kinda makes up for it, though. Its a wonder there werent more fights than there were. Watching Larry Bird drop 40 on you when he has no physical advantage over anyone on the court is kinda hard to take.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
1. Determine what your plans for the team are.
If your plans are to run the team into the ground, like Isiah, let your fans know up front, so they don't waste money on jerseys and season tickets. No one likes being surprised like that when they have money invested and that's time that they could spend waiting for you in the parking lot instead of throwing batteries at you from the mezzanine.
2. Take stock of what you have currently. Be honest.
Listen, some players are just never going to be stars. Some players are never going to be productive. Players like Brian Scalabrine or Benoit Benjamin. So if you have players like this on your team, just go ahead and mark them to be traded. It doesn't matter how hard they work in practice or how good their soundbites are for the reporters. It doesn't matter if they had a good stretch in the playoffs or is dominant against your rival's best player. Sometimes, you've just got a garbage player and it's better for all involved to just go ahead and make a clean break. Lucky for you, there's GMs like Isiah Thomas around who's take these players off your hands and give you more than you probably deserved in return.
3. Be realistic about your draft picks and free agent signings.
On draft day, the first thing you should do is look at your current record. If you have less than 35 wins, then you need to go ahead and draft a player who can produce right now. Your fan base isn't going to wait around three or four years for a player to blossom. Hell, that's time they could be planning that ambush out back. If you have more than 50 wins, you could draft Master P and it wouldn't really matter. When you have that many wins, your draft pick is probably going to get released anyway, unless you got over on a less intelligent GM, like Isiah. I expect the Bulls to do exactly this in the coming draft.
As far as free agents go, understand that you're not going to sign a big name if your team is garbage. I don't care how much the Hawks were under the cap, Kobe Bryant was NOT leaving L.A. for Atlanta. You have to understand that you have to give them a reason to come and if they only thing you can offer them is to make their total career losses more than their wins or to play home games in virtual silence, you're not really in good shape.
4. Draft and sign players intelligently. Refer to numbers 1 and 2 at all times.
If you have a pretty decent point guard, but your starting power forward weighs about 200 pounds and couldn't make a basket if he had both arms in it, you might want to start there. If you have a starting guard who's defense is so bad that his matchup scores less points in the shootaround than he does against your guy, you might want to start there.
Exceptions to this rule are when the best available player in the draft drop into your lap. Although it's understood why Portland drafted Sam Bowie instead of Michael Jordan, draft him anyway. At best, you've got the greatest backcourt ever and at worst, you've got some really good trade bait in Clyde Drexler.
Atlanta fell into this trap in last year's draft by taking Marvin Williams over Chris Paul. Instead of drafting a player who could play NOW, they got a player who they had to wait on. Combine that with an already clogged front court and you could almost hear the 30 or so Hawks fans left slapping themselves on the forehead.
5. Don't sign players you already have. Sign according to your needs. Don't overpay.
You shouldn't have to tell someone this up front, but when your name is Isiah Thomas, you just can't be told enough.
NBA players aren't entirely stupid. If you see a player who's been a lazy slob for four years, occasionally showing flashes of decency, and suddenly, in a contract year, he becomes and unstoppable monster, you still don't want to sign Jerome James or Eddy Curry. At least not to a contract worth tens of millions of dollars.
Let someone else overpay and be the fool! It doesn't have to be you all the time! Besides, you'll have a chance to screw this one up in the draft when you take the high school 7-footer who's never played against anyone taller than 6'9".
Also, if you have a superstar player, you might not want to sign another superstar playing the exact same position to play along side him. It won't work out well. At best, you're going to simply have some exciting news headlines when those two players fight in the lockerroom.
6. Before signing a player, look at the amounts of other offers he's getting. Adjust accordingly.
This one's pretty simple. If a free-agent is available and the highest offer he's getting is for $3.5 million for 5 years, what sense does it make to pay him $7 million for 6 years? Screw what he wants...he'll take what the market will give him. This way, you won't get fleeced like the Knicks did in the Allan Houston deal. Although it was before Isiah, it was equally as stupid. Then-GM, Scott Layden was the pre-Isiah, and shackled their signing power with this one deal, worth over $100 million for a good 7 years. One good knee injury later and the Knicks are still trying to dig out of a hole that Isiah Thomas seems intent on making deeper.
7. Before pulling the trigger on any deal, consult your coach. Consider the feelings of your fans.
If your coach tells you that you need a backup point guard, don't oblige him by trading your starting one. Now, you just have a backup who starts by default and you look like a fool. Not to mention a victim, in the eyes of those diehard fans waiting outside the stadium.
I feel that by following these simple rules, you could be able to at least put a competitive team on the floor and keep the fans from throwing rocks at your car when you pull into the arena. Should you choose to ignore this, just know that security can't catch ALL of the vandals. And the ones who are left still think you deserve it.
New York: Oh, yeah. I had to start here. This team is so bad at this point, you're probably just better off firing everybody. Isiah, LB, the players, the owner, the YES Network, everybody. How did it get this bad? Actually, it was bad three years ago. How did it get this worse?
As a Bulls fan, I actually take some joy out of watching my hated rivals suffer, but it's past the point of incompetence now. It's not even funny anymore. As far as moves that need to be made, the only way this team can be fixed is through time travel. You have to travel back to about...1997 or so and stop the Knicks for signing Allan Houston to that $100 million deal. That was the beginning of the end, right there. Somehow, I believe that if not for that, none of the other stupid moves would have been made, including hiring Isiah as GM.
Philadelphia: It's time to show Billy King the door. It was time to show him the door years ago, when he showed the world he had no idea how to put a team around Allen Iverson. People always knock Iverson, but when has he ever had another good player on his team? He once had a young Jerry Stackhouse, who should have still been at UNC and an old Chris Webber, who's too little, too late. Other than that, he's had to carry the Sixers by himself. People say that Iverson couldn't share the court with another superstar player, but anyone who was watching Iverson play in international games (if they were actually facing the TV) could see that he would pass the ball if he had someone to pass to. And personally, I wouldn't have hired Maurice Cheeks as coach, because I see him as a soft coach. If he wasn't, he would have run the Sixers offense through Webber instead of Iverson. So that's someone else who should be shown the door, but all this talk of trading Iverson is the talk of a crazy person.
Boston: I would never listen to Danny Ainge about anything, ever. For those who don't remember the 80s, Danny Ainge was a little while guy, about the size of Michael J. Fox, who would run around and make everyone on the opposing team (and in the stands...or at home, watching TV) grab him by the scruff of his neck and kick him in the jimmy. Just an all-around, irritating person. Nowadays, he's running the Celtics and can't seem to decide if he wants to go with young players or build around Paul Pierce. He's pretty much doing the same thing as Billy King in Philly or Kevin McHale in Minnesota: waffling. They all know that they've got a big-time superstar on their rosters and they have no idea how to build around them. So, they rely on the draft, hoping to luck up and get the next big thing, only their superstars are too good to let the season be a total disaster. They wind up getting mid to late round draft picks, because the team isn't good enough to make the playoffs, yet it's not bad enough to get a high pick. So, they're stuck drafting high school players or unknowns because all the superstars are already gone. That only leaves one thing: stupid or pointless trades. And Mr. Ainge, along with Mr. McHale, perpetrated the most pointless trade this season by exchanging Ricky Davis for Wally Szczerbiak. It's not a trade that makes you mad or makes you laugh, it's a trade that makes you stare at the sports ticker and wonder why, because you can't imagine how this trade is going to make either team better. If you can't pick a side that's getting the better end of the deal, then you, my friend, have a pointless trade.
Minnesota: Kevin McHale has had a decade to get Kevin Garnett deep into the playoffs and has failed miserably every time. Now, for those first 7 years, KG defied Satan McHale's odds and willed them in, anyway, and in the 8th, it looked like McHale finally learned how to assemble a team. That team made the Western Conference finals. Then, they refused to resign Sam Cassell (who, in retrospect, they should have paid) and Latrell Sprewell (one of the three stupidest players of 2005) for the money they were asking and instead of trading them in the 9th season, they just let them hang around and make that the worst season for KG since he got in the league. At least, until this season. This one's the worst now.
I don't see how hard it is to build a team around a dominant post player. The Spurs have been doing it for almost 20 years. Orlando is doing it now. The Lakers do it every five years, almost by accident. Why can't Kevin McHale do it now? I do it all the time, just sitting in the bathroom. You've already got the dominant center/power forward. That was the hard part. Next step? Get a good point guard. They had one in Terrell Brandon, but when he retired, I guess they just gave up, because they haven't had another good one since. Then, get a defensive minded guard or forward. After that, everything else just falls into place.
Golden State: Hire a coach who has balls. Huge balls. Like the ones Billy King swore he had when he said Iverson and Webber were going to act right. See, a coach who's groinally endowed isn't going to take any crap from players like Baron Davis. Davis needs someone to put a boot to his ass and tell him things like "Baron, pass the ball. It's not going anywhere. You'll get it back eventually." or "No, Baron, you don't have to score ALL the points. You have teammates who can do that." He needs teammates who will say to him, "Baron, you need to stop acting like a lil' bitch." Therefore, he needs to get traded to Miami, because Pat Riley or Shaquille O'Neal ain't having it.
Portland: Stop drafting high school players, you stupid motherfuckers. You need to win NOW, not in four years when these players will actually be good. Your owner's about to sell the team because he's losing money hand over fist. Darius Miles and Zach Randolph are NOT the guys who are going to keep things steady until the cavalry arrives.
All the other teams seem to be moving in the right direction or have recently made a move that's actually promising, like Toronto hiring Bryan Colangelo as their GM, or Seattle hiring Bob Hill as coach (this is the man who was stabbed in the back by the current coach of the Spurs, Gregg Popovich). I'm still waiting for Indiana to implode and it seems to be on the verge of finally happening. Denver is probably going to do the same thing. Hopefully, teams like my Beloved Bulls or the Hometown Hawks will be right there to pick up the pieces.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
It's easier to fight a war when you have people to fight it. I dunno, I just thought you might wanna consider that before you lay those huge balls of yours on the table when it comes to this Iran situation. Oh, oh, oh...and one more thing...support of the people would be good, too, because then you might have more people...y'know...volunteering? To help you, I mean...not picket in the streets in protest.
When generals start speaking out against the Secretary of Defense (who didn't earn his title, mind you), you might wanna take note of that, too, because unless Mr. Rumsfeld can actually do the jobs of these people, he might wanna shut his ass up. He talks way too much for a person who won't be found when the shit goes down. You might as well hire a bum and a drunk to head up the White House Cleanliness Division.
Then again, this sort of thing is nothing new for the Bush Administration. I've never seen a group of people hire so many unqualified people for government positions. That's like that Bolton guy, who they wanted to be UN Ambassador, even though he's an known xenophobe. They don't hire people to do the job, they hire people so their friends can have jobs. Because their friends were clearly hurting for money. Seriously, who can live off a six-figure salary these days? And stock options? Why, golden ceilings and televisions that can see into the future don't come cheap! And surely they can't be expected to pay for their own shit. And that's where YOU come in, Mr. and Mrs. American Taxpayer. And you must be convinced to give these people a job, so you don't complain about your president giving them free money. Or at least your elected officials. Who will also be given money for their efforts.
And since you put them all in office, that makes all of you stupid. You could have at least voted for me like I wanted you to. I would have least been up front with you when I gave people with names like "Pooh," "Milkdud" and "Colonel Freek'n Bitches" jobs. No, they're not qualified to wage war on a foreign country. Then again, that's not why they got hired. No, they got hired because they make me laugh...and because they match the furniture I'm having put in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
That is all.
Monday, April 10, 2006
...The Masters Tournament?
No opinion at all. Not because I'm uniformed, but more like because i don't care. This whole thing got a lot less interesting when the controversy about Hootie Johnson not letting women into the club at Augusta National died down. I still fail to understand how a private club can be forced to let someone in. They call them "private" for a reason. Should the Black Panthers have been forced to accept white people?
Does anyone even know what these people believe? I assure you, it's no more or less ridiculous than believing that a man can rise from the dead, manipulate the molecules of water, fish, and bread, or that an omnipresent force has nothing better to than to listen to you whine.
...Petey Williams' finisher, the Canadian Destroyer?
It's not that good of a wrestling move if the opponent is doing more work to pull the move off than you are.
...Cynthia McKinney's run in with the cops?
Man, this security guard probably makes an hourly wage. Let him do his job. Because the sooner he confirms your identity, the sooner you can get done doing what you have to do so you can make your appointment at the hair salon, which you clearly missed.
Just so I don't miss another 81 point outburst, I've been watching the Lakers every chance I get. Whats been funny is watching Lamar Odom try to keep Kobe from getting the ball. Arent they on the same team? Kobe could be standing next to Odom, wide open, and Odoms going to try to force a pass to Kwame Brown in the low postand Browns not even looking at him. He wont even pass the ball back to Kobe during the lay-up drill for fear that he wont see it again. Im looking forward to the tell-all book that Lamar Odom puts out after he gets traded. This will happen after Odom football passes the ball right into Kobes face from about two feet away.
Of all the teams he could have signed with, it HAD to be the Cowboys.
Of all the teams he could have signed with, it HAD to be the Panthers.
You know guys, there are other submission finishers besides the sharpshooter.
...Yahoo Customer Service?
Can I really complain about their customer service if I didn't buy anything?
...X-Men: The Last Stand?
From the trailer I saw on TV last week, this will probably be the best one of the three. Then again, I might just be thinking that because I don't like Bryan Singer. Only thing I can argue with so far is the casting of Juggernaut. Know who they shoulda got? "The Next Big Thing" Brock Lesnar.
He spent 2005 taking foot to ass. I can't argue with that. I'm glad to see it because comic book fans worldwide have made me detest Batman. Prior to this, things had gotten so ridiculous with him that I was waiting for him to change his name to Super-Batman.
It doesn't bother you that Microsoft just hit you up for $300 just back in 2001?
...Katie Holmes' "silent birth?"
Seriously, why do you care? This is about as newsworthy as Paris Hilton. Someone please tell me why this is controversial. All I know about this entire situation is that Tom Cruise is a fucking loon.
Okay, I admit to watching some of it this year. And I'm secure enough in my manhood to say that Chris Daughtry is dreamy. There's your winner right there, folks.
...personalized license plates?
All I ask is that the plate either has some meaning or is funny. If the best you can do is to tell me what kind of car it is, that's $300 you could have lit cigars with or blown on coke and hookers. Listen, I know I'm not the smartest guy out there, but I'm just unretarded enough to look a foot and a half to the left or right to read what kind of car it is myself.
They're lucky I'm not rich, because if I was, I'd ram my car into theirs every chance I got, laws and public safety be damned. Hell, I'm rich. I can afford it. Rich people can afford to be unrepentant.
It was almost like in 2005, he competing with Terrell Owens to see who could be the bigger jackass. In this exclusive interview with Ron Artest, he confirms that this was, in fact, the case:
"Terrell Owens, you think youve done some stupid shit? Well, you cant even begin to compare to the levels of stupidity that Im striving for this year. Not only am I going to do what you did, in ruining my teams championship hopes, but Im gonna take it a step further, with this (shows his misspelled record label name Tru Warier cut into the back of his head)! Dont forget, yall, the albums coming soon! In response to questions about using an out of style haircut for promotion, These CDs arent gonna sell themselves and I wont let a thing like fashion or intelligence stand in my way of a platinum plaque," he was quoted as saying before the wood-selling CD was released.
...WWE's Hall of Fame ceremony?
Never, NEVER, give the Blackjacks a live mic again.
...the R&B scene?
I'm might be showing my age, but remember the days when you could tell the R&B singers and rappers apart?
..."The Jesus Papers?"
Well, it's bound to piss off a lot of Christians, which means I'll definitely read it. Something must be wrong with me, because I shouldnt find so much humor in something that can completely destroy the underpinnings of someones faith.
...The State of the Union address?
He wanted to talk about the dangers of human-animal hybrids. Im not fucking kidding. I'll bet suddenly a boring zombie like John Kerry doesn't sound so bad anymore, between this goof and a homicidal Vice-President.
...Flavor of Love?
I wont watch it. I tried, but I couldnt go a full two minutes before I had to change the channel due to something stupid happening. Might as well have Flavor Flav do his best coon act on live TV. People talk about shows that set black folks back, but this one actually does it. For those people out there who say that Flavor Flav is a smart brother and talk about how deep hes supposed to be, I present this show as evidence to the contrary. CHUCK D was deep. Flavor Flav is a fucking clown.
They should make Samuel L. Jackson a permanent cast member. Hes the only reason I even liked the episode I saw. Well, him and Charlie Murphy. Imma send this bitch a smiley face. Bitches like smiley faces.
What part of illegal immigrant is confusing you people? Youre already committing a crime just by being here. If you were justified in your actions, you wouldnt have to run when the INS van rolls up. Youre lucky white people havent started shooting you in the streets.
It wasn't always like this for John Cena. Why, when he first came out, he was met with indifference...ALL the time. And they tried. Boy, did they try...but when you've got a generic wrestler in powder blue trunks come out, with average wrestling talent and no gimmick to speak of...well, what do you expect?
So, like all big stars of the 90s, after realizing that this crap wasn't gonna work, they let him be himself on TV and THAT's what caught on. He came out in throwbacks, jeans and sneakers, rapping his way to the ring (and he was actually pretty good...back then). He was a heel, and one that was steadily talking sh*t. This is the time when anyone who's a Cena fan became a Cena fan. Anyone who claims that they were a Cena fan before this might have confused him with Randy Orton or Orlando Jordan or pretty much anyone who was coming out of OVW at the time. Seriously, who could tell these guys apart, what with their lack of gimmick and identical move sets? I swear, there were about 15 wrestlers in the WWF at the time who were exactly the same.
Anyway, Cena was becoming the hottest thing in wrestling in 2004, so the management decided to make him the big sh*t in 2005. And this is where it all went wrong.
First, they turned him back face, which isn't so bad in itself. I don't really like when they do this, because they wind up taking the edge away from the character. Or to put it another way, they cut off his balls. It didn't happen so much with Stone Cold Steve Austin, but it did with The Rock (and they turned on him, too) and it did during the Triple H Experiment. Sometimes it works out (Mankind became a completely new character and gave his career new life) and sometimes it doesn't (i.e. John Cena, or else I wouldn't be writing this).
Now, when you look at John Cena, what do you see? Well, I'll tell you what I see: Marky Mark. Seriously. And this is before Christian said it on TV. And did people like Marky Mark? No, not anyone who stood up to piss. Well, that's pretty much what you're dealing with in Cena. So you got a lack of respect from the men in the audience. Also, he doesn't talk sh*t like he used to. It was funny, it was mean, it was raw. When he came out, there was no jumping around like a damn fool, trying to get the crowd up. He had that hip-hop swagger. And people loved it, even though they weren't supposed to. Well...you also had that group who hate to see white boys act black. They got a word for that, that I don't like to use, because if figure if you say that one, you're basically calling black people the other word. But that's something for another day.
Now, the swagger's gone. He's coming out hyped, trying to rally the crowd to his side (and they don't). Instead of being the asshole he was before, now he's TRYING to pop the crowd and it shows. Basically, he's acting like he left his balls in the locker room. And the fans (the male ones, anyway) don't like it. See, this might be a sexist statement, but the women who watch wrestling, overall, are not too discriminating when it comes to wrestling talent. If they think the guy is HOT, then that's generally enough for them. For instance, The Rock was the SOLE reason why black women across America would even consider watching wrestling and when HE was gone, THEY were gone.
Right now, Cena's got the 13-17 female demographic on LOCK, but their dads and older brothers hate this guy. Who do you think is louder? So far, those guys are getting heard. Now, the guys might be considered to be haters for booing this "hot" guy (the women think the guys are jealous), but the guys are looking at him and thinking "this guy f*cking sucks. I doubt even Flair could get a good match outta him." On the flipside, those girls and those kids are buying his merchandise. So, while you're making money hand over fist with this guy, he's getting booed out the building (Wrestlemania was the worst...and that's the biggest stage in wrestling...not a good sign).
Now, you had a guy, who's good looking and charasmatic, pandering extra hard to a Chicago crowd by playing up their Chicago Mob/Al Capone history, going against the biggest heel in wrestling for the last 6 years, in Triple H and he STILL got booed? Well, buddy, you're just in a no-win situation. So what do you do? I think I got the answer.
Now, most people are just suggesting that you turn him back heel again. I was, too...until I thought about it for a minute. I remembered Diesel, a former WWF Champion, who was a face champion, complete with sh*t-eating grin. He was once a heel who was turned face after the fans got a glimpse of his personality. Basically, this guy is a f*cking fool. One of the funniest wrestlers I've ever seen. And when they turned him face, they took all that away. So when he lost the title, he got on TV and talked about when he won the title and how the management told him to smile. Diesel...a 7-foot monster, capable of crushing just about any man in the ring...smiling. And no, it didn't work. The crowd didn't turn on him, but his reign as champion didn't set the world on fire, either. And Diesel said that he was never comfortable with that. And he wrapped up by saying, basically, that you're either with him or against him, and if you're with him, he'll slap your hand, but if you're against him...f*ck you. Well, that's my own embellishment, by the point is made. And he was basically what's known as a "tweener." Not really heel, not really a face. He was played up more as a heel, though. Two years later, the same thing happened with Stone Cold Steve Austin. He just never got on TV and made any declarations. The crowd was already cheering him, so they just made Bret Hart a heel while he was fighting Austin. After that, he just kept fighting heels, while doing his same ol' thing.
That's the road that needs to be taken with Cena. At the very least, it would give him his edge back, and maybe, just maybe...he'd stop that damn smiling. And get his swagger back. Cuz dammit, thugs don't smile. Or jump around like damn fools. Except maybe D-12...but they suck.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
While I know this thing isn't all encompassing, I just wanted to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday today. A lot of you who have been around for previous birthdays know that I haven't been that enthusiatic about my birthday in recent years (basically, because i hate the idea that I HAVE to get older). And even though I still downplayed my birthday this year, like always...I have to admit that I was touched by the messages and phone calls and e-mails and the comments on my page. I would say that I was getting choked up, but I'd be lying, mainly because I am incapable of expressing emotion, but if I could, you'd get a picture of a me, glowing from the inside out, because I've got such good friends. I love all of you and thank you.
Except those of you who didn't say anything. You fucking suck. Same goes for those of you who made an "old man" joke of some sort. If that leaves anyone, anyone at all, my original statement still stands. And yes, I said that I love you guys.
Aw, screw you guys.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Kobe Bryant has 12 points with about 5 minutes left in the half.
Kobe is being guarded by Luther Head.
Luther Head was touted as Illinois' best defensive player last year.
Kobe is going to drop 40 on this kid today.
Let's see how correct I am in about two or three hours.
The time is 16:26 (4:26PM).
Kobe scored 43. The time is 14:07 (2:07PM). The next day.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Okay, yesterday I was over at Stone Mountain running (well, more like walking) up the mountain. It's a pretty common thing to do here for exercise. As I was leaving, I saw none other than Jake "The Snake" Roberts, who lives in Stone Mountain. After a few minutes and trying to decide whether or not I should even say anything to him, I walked over to him and introduced myself, and just talked to him in general about wrestling, training and whatnot. He seemed annoyed at first, but lightened up as the conversation went on. He noticed my size and asked if I had any interest in becoming a wrestler. I told him that I trained some a couple of years ago, but I never finished after the drama that went down at my school. I kinda glossed over it, because it's too long of a story for smalltalk. I said that I'd still like to do it if the opportunity for training came up. He said that he was good friends with some people over at NWA Wildside in Corellia, which is about 30 miles away from here. He said he'd be there tomorrow morning for a couple of hours, because he'd be working a show there later on in the week and he wanted to check out the talent. He said he'd go over some things with me and see about gettng me set up with some training.
So today, i went down there and met some of the guys there. Saw a guy I used to train with at WWA4, Jay Fury, who's burning up the indy circuit right now. I got in the ring with Jake and this is where things took a turn for the worse. He started yelling and screaming whenever I didn't do something fast enough or exactly how he wanted it. When he'd show me a hold, he'd sneak a punch into my ribs grind my face into the mat, you know, real dirty stuff. I was just taking it at first, because this is wrestling. This is just how things go. It's no big deal.
Then, when I was getting up off the mat, this man hit me in the temple with his knee. It was kinda stiff, but i sold it. You're always taught to sell, even in practice. While I'm laying on my back, he jumps on top of me, pins me down and puts his hands around my neck and starts talking shit about he could kill me right now and how no one could do anything about it because he's Jake "The Snake" Roberts. He looked real wound up, but i thought he was just acting. I didn't think anything of it...until he slapped me.
He started laughing and got up. Needless to say, I was PISSED. As he got up, I pushed him back and swung on Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Next thing I know, we were scrapping. I was fighting with Jake "The Snake" Roberts! Some of the other wrestlers broke us up, and being the new guy, I was thrown out. Jay came outside with me to calm me down and while we were out there, Jake came after me again, and this time he had a gun! He was grabbed again and pulled back inside before he could do anything. A couple of minutes later, Bill Behrens, the promoter, came out to talk to me and talked to me, telling me about how they aren't using Jake in their shows anymore because of this and that he'd heard that Jake cleaned up, but apparently that wasn't true and this and that...he asked me to leave, because they needed to get Jake out of there and I was parked next to Jake. I was pissed, but I left.
Can you believe that shit? If any of you ever see that man Jake Roberts, anywhere, I want you to call him a bitch to his face. And let him know that if I ever see him again, it's gonna be a misunderstanding. I just felt the need to get all that out. Something else I just gotta say...April Fool's.