Wednesday, January 28, 2009

One question for the Republicans

President Obama's $819 billion stimulus bill passed the House today, with the Republicans kicking and screaming all the way. No Republicans voted for it. It's expected to pass in the Senate next.

The Republicans continue to say that there's too much spending and ask where the money will come from.

I'm not saying that everything in the bill is the way it should be, because really, $200 million on condoms? Seriously? I don't even know if that's true, but if it is...?

But my point isn't about the contents of the bill, I just want to know where all of this protestation was when President Bush was looking for money for his stimulus packages? Where was all of this protestation when President Bush was passing another tax cut? Where was all of this protestation when President Bush was looking for more money to throw at Iraq?

The point isn't whether or not our government should have spent money on those things. My question is this: Now you're concerned about money?

All the billions spent in the last four years and NOW you're concerned about money?

Maybe if the Republicans had been more about the nation's best interests during the Bush Administration instead of currying favor with the party faithful, we wouldn't need to spend another $800 billion.

That's all I'm saying.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Dream Fulfilled?

I like to believe that Martin Luther King, Jr. was a smart man, despite the fact that he hung out with Jesse Jackson. And that's why I can say with all certainty that Barack Obama's election is not the fulfillment of his dream. I'm pretty sure the man was thinking on a broader scale than political office. His speeches were filled with all sorts of talk about equality and "the promised land." I'm proud and happy about the progress we've made in his country as a race and I'm proud and happy that Barack Obama was sworn in today as President. It's truly historic and monumental and whatever glowing platitude that anyone can attach to it. I just can't believe that the "promised land" that MLK was referring to is located at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. For one, we're not all going to fit inside.

Lots of people have been all over the news today, claiming that Dr. King's dream has been fulfilled and that we have reached the "promised land." All due respect to Dr. King, because he was a stronger and braver man than I'll ever be, but he wouldn't be able stop that talk the way it needed to be stopped if he was here. There's only one time in life that I'll claim that I can say something better than Dr. King and that's right now: Everyone who saying that we've reached the "promised land" needs to cut the fucking shit.

In 2007, we were marching in Jena, LA over trumped up charges against six black teenagers. In 2007, Genarlow Wilson was in jail because he got some head from a classmate two years younger than he was. In 2006, an unarmed Sean Bell was murdered by police on his wedding day and all of the police got off. Three weeks before this very inauguration that we're celebrating, Oscar Grant was laid face down on the floor and shot by a transit cop. Stuff like this doesn't happen in the "promised land," because people are generally happy there and that stuff makes people sad.

When Dr. King was talking about the "promised land," he was talking about a time when electing a Black President won't be any more newsworthy than electing a white one. He was talking about a time when we won't talk about things like "education gaps" or "earning gaps" or "the race card." He was talking about a time when it won't be "us vs. them."

It's not going to be a perfect world, because we'll always have challenges, but the challenges will be more along the lines of repelling the alien armada or trying to reduce speeding violations among jet-pack users, not trying to explain to white people why they can't use the "n-word."

But, large groups of white people did elect a Black President. That's an accomplishment in itself, seeing as how it wasn't that long ago that white people were still lying to pollsters about that sort of thing. A lot of people look at this past election as proof that we've acheived Dr. King's dream. I look at that same election as proof of how far we still have to go. After all, look at the racially based campaigning that the Republicans did. And look at how effective it was. A lot of people bought into it. If we were where we truly needed to be, not only would it not have worked, but they wouldn't have done it to begin with. How quickly folks rely on the divide between the races to win elections is a sign that things just aren't right.

So let's just keep everything in perspective. Big, glowing, historic day that we'll all tell our grandkids about? Yes. They're already partitioning chapters of future history books that contain complete reprints of Obama's books, complete with letters that are actually made of unquenchable fire. The end of the journey for racial equality? Not even close. A proud day, but the struggle continues...

Random thoughts during the inauguration

Screw LeBron James; We are all witnesses to Barack Obama.

But first, we had to wait. Because in an homage to his people, the entire inauguration started late. Aretha Franklin got out there and extended a song by three minutes, as only Black people can do. 12 noon. Barack's Presidency had officially begun, but he hadn't been sworn yet. What's he doing? He's sitting outside, listening to music and working on his tan. Hey, Barack! You're on the clock! We ain't paying you to enjoy yourself! You need to get back inside and fix something! I swear...just like Black folks. Always trying to steal company time.

It was a nice song that was playing, though. I don't remember the name, but it was by John Williams, the guy who scored "Star Wars."

Dick Cheney was shown getting pushed around in a wheelchair. They claimed that he had hurt is back, but I believe that the evil in his soul has actually started eating his body from within.

Did anyone else notice that Bill Clinton still looks salty?

All through this broadcast, they kept cutting off Soledad O'Brien. Don't worry, baby; I was listening to you.

The few times that they showed George W. Bush during Obama's speech, he almost looked jealous of the reaction to Barack; like he couldn't understand why people didn't do all of that for him. For one, it rained during your inauguration, didn't it? Second, half of the voters didn't just vote against you, they vehemently opposed your existence. During your time in office, you didn't do anything to heal the wounds; in fact, you went out of your way to twist the knife. If not for the very real chance that the Secret Service would make people disappear, you would have spent the last seven years ducking shoes, instead of that one day in Iraq. Barack's inauguration is what happens when people like you. That, and when you're democratically elected.

But, as far as the speech went, it was another banger. Has he ever given a bad speech? That's another good thing about Obama replacing Bush: We no longer have a President who openly battles the words in his own mouth.

And to close, there was a poem. Apparently, no one in America likes poetry, because the CNN mics picked up people saying, "Piss break!" and "Aw, shit. I'm gonna go start the car." It was sort of an awkward moment watching the poet (I missed her name) look out at a crowd that didn't give a crap who she was and what she was about to say. That crowd was clearing out so fast, you'd have thought there was riot police beating people. And CNN kept showing the crowd during the poetry reading, perfectly capturing the collective apathy that Americans have towards poetry. Me, I was picking the price tags off my used DVDs.

After the whole thing was over, Obama walked Bush to the back door and put him on a helicopter to...I don't know where the hell he was going. But it looked like he was politely rushing to put him out, like a relative that you don't really care for. It's the end of an era, though. They should have brought out some midgets to sing a rousing chorus of "Ding Dong, the witch is dead."

The time is now 1:00. Barack ain't signed no papers or brought no troops home or nothing. You know white folks are counting the minutes, Barack. Just pretend like you're working before they try to fire you.

1:03. He's signing stuff now. He remarked that he was told not to steal the pen. He knows. Oh, yes...he knows.

Barack Obama was sworn in, put the old President out, then went back inside and held a luncheon with all of Congress. CNN showed split screen of the luncheon and Bush arriving at the airport. There's something funny about that. They couldn't even let him hang out and eat before they put him on a plane.

But now, the Bush-Cheney Presidency is finally over, eight years later than it should have ended. You won't be missed, except by the world's comedians. Few administrations have made a mockery of government like this one. No more Cheney, inventing branches of government that don't exist. No more Rumsfeld, randomly pissing people off. No more Karl Rove, unless you watch Fox News (and you shouldn't). No more Condi Rice taking it on the chin for Bush. Welcome, President Obama. The Daily Show is going to have a rough time making fun of you...but then, that's why you picked Joe Biden to be your VP, isn't it?

Congratulations, America: Our President is no longer a boob.

Monday, January 19, 2009

An unfocused screed on polygamy

Do I think that the ideal environment to raise a child with a mother and a father? Yes, I do. But that doesn't mean that I'm trying to stand in the way of people who want to do it another way, whether that be two mothers, two fathers, one father and a set of goldfish or being raised by wolves. I'm okay with just about everything that you can possibly do, because what's important is that the child is loved. I'm fine with all of that...except for polygamists. Truthfully, I think we just need to save these misguided men from themselves. That's too much estrogen for any one man to have to live with.

The math for this one just doesn't add up. I don't know why any rational person would think that having more women around makes life better. Sure, at the base level, it could be a good thing, because you've got a virtual concubine living in the house. As the saying goes, ain't no new pussy like new pussy. And with all of those women in the house, it's always like new, depending on the rotation. But on the flip side, you've got a virtual concubine living in the house. My back is hurting just thinking about having to pleasure eight women on a regular basis. Sorry, ladies...my sex drive just isn't that high.

Besides that, that's eight periods you have to deal with. At first, as they move in together, that's eight periods spread out across the month, until you're basically living with one long menstrual cycle. Then a funny thing happens; the cycles begin to synchronize with one another. So instead of dealing with a long month of periods, you have to deal with one giant period at one point in the month. Consequently, studies show that the number of periods under one roof is directly related to the number of times you will be found passed out drunk in your den. And that's not even counting when your daughters start growing up.

And who doesn't know a woman that isn't attention starved? If you have hobbies of any kind, you might as well go ahead and give that up along with any alone time, because with all of those women in the house, you're always going to have someone staring in your face. Your bathroom will be the last bastion of privacy for you, until the kids start walking.

Do you know how many pairs of stockings will be hanging in your shower? How much hair weave? How many times of day your home will smell like nail polish remover? And since none of these women have jobs, your light bill is gonna be sky high, because all they're going to do is watch their stories all day. Then, when you get home from working 16 hours to support them, they all want to tell you about their meaningless day at the same time. Next thing you know, you're passed out drunk in the den again, your living beaten into submission.

Do you really think that this is how God intended for you to live? Who knows, maybe he did, which would explain why he invented the sweet, sweet liquor that masks the pain of waking up every day to eight nagging voices trying to get you to paint the kitchen. Then again, if you have to completely destroy yourself to deal with your reality, you might want to rethink your perception of God's intentions. Because unless my theory on the God of the Bible is correct and he really is an omnipotent child who ruins your life in order to get you to choose him so he'll get a self-esteem boost, you shouldn't have to be three sheets to the wind to deal with your spouse. Even if there are eight of them.

I understand that it is a man's choice to marry eight women and move them all into one house, but while we also need to save these men from themselves, we also need to get these women to understand that they can get a better deal than this. Ladies, understand: There is someone out there for you. I seriously doubt that this person is so in love with you that he'll add you to his wife collection. Saying to someone, "Will you become my fifth wife," isn't love.

How low does your self-esteem have to be to buy into this? I don't care what the church claims God's will is, if you've got women's intuition, it's got to feel like a Spider-Sense with the Sinister Six around the corner when someone tries to pass this deal off to you. "Okay, you claim to love me. Your expression of that love is to make me another wife and move me into the house with your other wives, where you can sleep with all of us whenever you want to? Also, you get to add more wives at any time, further splintering the time that I get to be with you. Hmmm, I'll have to think about this. Alright."

What could these women possibly be getting out of this except more babies? They can't possibly be feeling as if there's love and devotion coming from the husband, because how devoted can a man who has seven other wives possibly be? I've never been one before, but I'm pretty sure the whole thing feels like being a prostitute, except that he's not making you walk street corners, unless it's to go out to the barn to get milk for his cereal. The real question here is, how do you know which one of the wives is his "bottom bitch?"

And let's not forget the kids in all of this, because seriously...are you encouraging your kids to live like this? 'Son, one day you're going to be able to pick and choose multiple wives with the ease that you select trading cards." And you expect them to be respectful towards women? "My darling daughter, I look forward to the day when your husband comes along to make you his seventh wife." Seriously?

Parents, there's a reason why some kids rebel against their parents. Some are just hardheaded, but others see through your bullshit. The boys might not argue so much, because let's face it, they're getting a sweetheart deal here from a sexual standpoint, and we all know that in a man's mind, sex can overcome a lot of problems. But the women are getting screwed and unless their head is nothing but a void that keeps their skull from collapsing, they can see that there's no real advantage for them to go through with this. Haven't you noticed that the people who keep escaping from these compounds are always women? You don't ever see men leaving these things, unless they only have one wife and they're trying to get away so they can live like sane people. The reason why that is? They're too busy living out all of the sexual fantasies that their repressed little minds could dream up. They're really not seeing the downside.

Maybe I'm really not seeing the point to any of this. After all, I am an outsider to the whole process, and I don't even go to regular church, let alone one in an isolated compound in Utah. Maybe they're doing it because people in the Bible did it. Two things, though: I don't know anyone in the Bible who actually did this (then again, I've yet to read the entire Bible), and I think it's time people stopped doing things just because people in the Bible did them. People in the Bible also stoned gays and lived for 800 years, but everyone seems to be lacking on those fronts because I've seen lots of gay people go unstoned.

Arizona Cardinals win NFC; Apocalypse at hand

There are some sports franchises that I just never believed would ever be any good. The Los Angeles Clippers, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Milwaukee Bucks, the Detroit Lions. Well, now, the Arizona Cardinals are removing themselves from that list. The only way I ever thought I'd say the words "Arizona Cardinals" and "Super Bowl" in the same sentence was if I said "The Arizona Cardinals will go to the Super Bowl when George W. Bush gets his own holiday." Well, the Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl, so I suppose the possibility remainst that one day school will close on "W-Day."

How in the world did this happen? As always, I have theories that involve the Devil, but the sane part of me thinks that the Cardinals started throwing games the second it became clear that they were going to win their division. When your division contains St. Louis, San Francisco, and Seattle, it's didn't take long at all for Arizona to lock it up, because everyone else was out of contention by Week 6. Arizona wont heir division at 9-7 and still had a three game lead on their next closest competitor.

That's the only explanation I have for them to have played so badly against New England, Carolina, and Philadelphia in the regular season, then turn around and beat two of the three in the playoffs. They sucked us in, made us think that they were really crappy (not hard to do when you're the Cardinals), and then started trampling that ass. And they were the best possible team to do something like this, because when has anyone ever taken a football team named "The Cardinals" seriously. They couldn't have been less intimidating if they were named the "Pixie Dust Unicorns."

If it ever turns out that coach Ken Whizenhunt applied the "rope-a-dope" to football games, then he should be admitted into the Hall of Fame now, because that's genius. No one ever considered that Arizona might actually be good, because they're like the nerd that's tutoring your hot girlfriend. Since the Cardinals have always been as non-threatening as the cover of "Tiger Beat," it has never crossed your mind that he might actually try to get some. So while you think that it's perfectly okay to leave them alone together, allow me to shatter your illusions, smart guy: The Arizona Cardinals are banging your girlfriend.

It's the type of thing that has never occurred to anyone outisde of the asylum, like Scientology or George W. Bush becoming President. You just look at it and think, "Yeah, right; like 40 million people are gonna vote for that guy," or "There's no way people are dumb enough to believe this Zenu crap." It's just so ridiculous that you can't ever imagine it happening. Next thing you know, half of America is either in Iraq or homeless and Tom Cruise is making Katie Holmes suffer through childbirth in total silence.

So now that the ridiculous has become reality, anything is possible. Arizona just won the NFC Championship; two days later we're swearing in a Black President. Makes you wonder what else the future holds. Perhaps pro wrestling and video games will become Olympic events. Perhaps playing the accordion will become a respected form of musical expression.

I'm really curious to see how many people immediately lost interest in the Super Bowl the second that the Eagles-Cardinals game was over. Most people won't care about the Super Bowl, because on the one hand, Pittsburgh has the mass appeal of the San Antonio Spurs (none), and on the other, they don't know anyone who plays for the Cardinals. After all, part of being a well-established loser is being completely anonymous. Think about it: How many of the Cleveland Indians can you name without consulting ESPN.com?

Having had time to let it sink in, though, I have to admit that having another chance to see Larry Fitzgerald dominate a secondary sounds good. I won't even have the burden of a team I like playing against them to cloud my judgment, because there aren't many teams out there that can put me to sleep like Pittsburgh. I don't know what it is about them; just that sometime after kickoff, I'm left drooling all over my pillow. I like their players well enough, just not well enough to keep watching.

I'm not picking this time, though. I've been wrong at every turn this season, plus Arizona is this year's Giants, determined to make me question everything I thought I knew about football. Pittsburgh is Pittsburgh; always good enough to be one of the best teams, but never good enough to make me pick them to win. So I'm going to leave this one to the experts. That's right: The Vegas odds makers.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

If I wrote a LeBron James article, it would start like this

Kobe Bryant has proved that with hard work, you can grow up to be Michael Jordan. No, not everyone can have Jordan's athleticism, but his drive to win, his basketball skills, even the fact that he's 6'6" are all reasonable things to attain. Others might not be as great as he is, but there have been a lot of facsimiles and imitators in the league since Jordan left his mark on the game.

But you can't grow up to be LeBron James. LeBron James is a genetic freak, an insane combination of size, strength, and speed that the world has never seen before. Like Michael, people will take things from his game and use it in their own repertoire, but the things that he is able to do won't ever been seen again until cloning becomes legal. You might as well grow up hoping to be Spider-Man or Jesus, because your chances of being LeBron James are just as impossible.

Like no player before him, LeBron James is truly one of a kind. There has never been a player like him before. Others have been labeled "one of a kind" before, like Randy Moss or Shaquille O'Neal or Michael Vick, but with those players, there was always a comparison to someone else. Shaq was always compared to Wilt Chamberlain, a player just as big and quick, but even better than Shaq would wind up being. Michael Vick wasn't even "one of a kind" in his family, and Plaxico Burress has always been the next best thing to Randy Moss. But to get an idea of what LeBron James is, players have to be combined together. It's almost like God said, "Hey, I wonder what would happen if I combined Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan?" That's what LeBron James is: Proof that God loves to play with Legos.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

"Not upset with the Falcons" and other tall tales

The New York Jets have got to be the dumbest team in the league right now. I know the Raiders and Lions are in far worse shape, but those are special needs franchises and they deserve our pity for being shackled to people like Al Davis and Matt Millen. No, the Jets get their own category for firing the coach who was getting the team moving in the right direction in favor of the 37-year-old diva quarterback that’s probably going to retire anyway. Now, the Jets don’t have a coach, a replacement quarterback, or a viable alternative to replace either. It looks like a move that they made by the seat of their pants, kind of like when they released Chad Pennington the second they got Brett Favre. So, at this point, the Jets deserve what they get and I see them getting a lot of “L’s” in the near future. Note to the Jets: You don’t hinge your future plans on the whims of a quarterback who just retired in the last offseason. I want to curse at you.

Speaking of Matt Millen, who was the person who decided to have him on NBC’s NFL studio show? It’s already boring; you want it to be stupid, too? I would never listen to anything Millen had to say about football, ever, due to him being the worst general manager of recent memory. I was watching the show, just waiting for him to give us a Palin-esque display of intelligence. I’d argue with him over whether or not the sky was blue just because I know that he’s destined to slip up at some point.

Ravens QB Joe Flacco looks like Sylar from Heroes.

Now, about the Falcons…

They’ve been playing with house money since Week 10. Football analysts, who never know what they’re talking about, gave them three to six wins this season. I gave them eight at worst, nine at best. My buddy Louis came within three points of being crowned a football genius, because he said they’d win the division. He maintained that prediction, even after a breathalyzer test.

The Falcons went 11-5. And truth to tell, they should have been 13-3. Seeing as how they were 4-12 last season, lost Michael Vick, rotated between Joey Harrington, Chris Redman, and Byron Leftwich at quarterback, and coach Bobby Petrino quit in the middle of the season to go coach a team that has a pig as a mascot, I can’t be too upset about the way the season ended. After all, 5-11 would have been a step forward. Everything after five wins really was icing on the cake. The fact that we even made the playoffs is great for me, because I didn't even think we would. I was satisfied with not being "enhancement talent" anymore.

That doesn’t mean that I’m okay with the way the Falcons went out. They played well in spurts, but they got manhandled by the Arizona Cardinals. If we got manhandled by the Ravens (a bird that knows the taste of human flesh), I’d probably handle that a little bit better. Against Ray Lewis, Terrell Suggs, and Ed Reed, I’d be glad if all our guys came off the field with 78% of their body parts functioning. But the Cardinals hadn’t played a good game in a month and a half and only beat tomato cans all season. Why’d they pick yesterday to exhibit some pride about themselves?

I didn't even want to watch anymore football after that, but there was no sense in letting a good Colts/Chargers game go to waste.

The only good thing about the Falcons’ loss is that I’ve got a pretty good idea what position they’ll be drafting for first. Does anyone know a good defensive end that we can pick up, because a broomstick held by a man in a wheelchair would have played better than Jamaal Anderson has since he’s been here. There have been times that I forgot he was even on the field. And even though I wasn’t sorry to see DeAngelo Hall leave here, his size would have been really helpful against Larry Fitzgerald, who towered over our corners and safeties at an immense, looming 6’3” (and I don’t believe he’s even this tall). The Falcons’ corners should insist that kids drink more milk so they don’t turn out to be “short like us.”

It was still a season that exceeded all expectations and provides a bright outlook for the future. This is the part where all Falcons fans should be expecting something bad to happen to the team, like Matt Ryan getting mauled by boars in his living room.

Every time there’s a glimmer of hope for this team, Michael Vick breaks his ankle (against the Ravens!) months after leading the team into Lambeau to beat the Packers in the playoffs. Or Jamal Anderson’s (not the sad DE that calls himself a football player; this is THE Jamal Anderson) knees decide that you, the paying fan, have seen enough of his otherworldly talent, right after he carries the team to the Super Bowl. Falcons fans know what I’m talking about.

But going into next season, I don’t feel that way. Arthur Blank gives a crap and Thomas Dimitroff doesn’t make me think that any retard can be a general manager. The coaching is so good that it made something out of Michael Jenkins. And this team is put together pretty well, even the midget secondary. For once, the future is bright for the Atlanta Falcons.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Seriously. It's called "Barack, the Magic Negro."

I'm going to write a song called "McCain the Salty Cracker," followed with it's remix, "Sarah, the White Trailer Trash." It's not meant to offend, because it's just political satire.

For those who don't know, Chip Saltsman, a candidate for Chairman of the Republican National Convention, distributed a CD recently to his fellow RNC members that contained parodies of popular songs that mock "liberals," because this is what Republicans do when they're not hurting America. Apparently, the song that's causing all the controversy, "Barack, the Magic Negro," first aired on the Rush Limbaugh Show in March 2007, almost two years ago. There isn't a statute of limitations on when I can get mad about this, because in my defense, Black people don't listen to Rush Limbaugh.

According to Dictionary.com, the definition of "satire" is: "a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule." That basically means that you're supposed to provide a hilarious send-up of one's flaws or mistakes.

Now, someone tell me, what does calling a Black man "The Magic Negro" have to do with politics or satire? I'm willing to bet both my balls that they only reason why they called it "Magic Negro" is because they couldn't defend it at all if they called it "Magic Nigger." Are they trying to tell me that being Black is "folly" or "a vice?" Do they believe that something is wrong with being Black? Really, it's probably just semantics, but if they're going to claim that it's satire, it's at least good to know what the word means.

Some white people might not see what the big deal is about all this and of course you don't, because it's not about YOU. If I decided to write a song called "Jon Stewart, The Covetous Jew," would the picture become a little clearer? Maybe if I did one called "Ted Kennedy, The Drunken Mick Bastard?" Thank goodness I didn't do "Hu Jintao, the Slanty-Eyed Laundryman," or else we'd be going to war with China soon.

In fairness, I haven't heard to song at all, because I can't get past the part where they say "Barack the Magic Negro." The title of the song is all I need to hear, because it says everything about what they think about us. To ALL Black Republicans, put down your shine boxes and listen: To them, you are still second-class citizens.

But I'm not trying to rally Black Republicans to release their grip on the slavemaster's nuts; I really just want to help the Republicans understand what satire is. We went through this during the election numerous times and they still don't seem to get it. Calling President Bush a "mouth-breathing, helmet-wearing moron" is satire. Calling President Bush "white, peckerwood trash" is not satire.

This song is in the "white peckerwood trash" category. So are all my other made-up song titles.

If title was "Barack, the Slow-Talking, Flip-Flopper," there would have been no problem. All the jokes that Republicans made about Barack being "The Savior," and the cracks about him parting seas and walking on water were fair game. The second race is brought into it, it becomes a problem because we, as a nation, can't even publicly discuss our racial problems without it becoming a fight, so don't ever believe that we're on such good terms racially that you can poke fun at being Black.

Race is always where the line is drawn, not just for us, but for everybody. Do you call your Mexican friends "bean-and-tamale-eating border hoppers?" Of course not, because that's Carlos Mencia's job.

We both have a long way to go, because Black people are quick to make fun of white people. The difference is, the political realm is national news. For a long time, the only people seeing the "white jokes" were Black people, only comedians were telling them, and unless they're caught by police giving rides to transvestites, comedians don't make the national news. Not only that, there wasn't a comedian alive claiming that it was just "political satire." We all knew what is was. And there were white comedians doing the same thing, so that doesn't even count. The second that one of my songs starts making the rounds to the Black Congressional Caucus, both sides of the political spectrum are going to start playing the victim. Will I be able to claim "political satire" card then?

Dave Chappelle, who made a living doing racially charged humor, said that it's all about "the subtleties," and there's nothing subtle about this song. It's the difference between Jimmy Kimmel doing Karl Malone or Frank Caliendo doing Charles Barkley versus, say...performing in blackface. One is clever, one is offensive. Being clever is making fun of the fact that neither one of these men can speak properly. Being offensive is writing a song called "Barack the Magic Negro."

What's funny is actual satirist Andy Borowitz's parody of the official apology from the RNC denouncing the song: The RNC offered "an official apology to America's negroes." They said that the song was "tone-deaf, unacceptable, and offensive to every negro in the country," Following with, "We do not want one ill-considered song parody to create the wrong impression. The Republican Party has always been, and will always be, the friend of the negro."

Suddenly, a light bulb went off in someone's head and the RNC realized where it went wrong in making their apology. They quickly issued an apology for the apology that stated, "It has come to our attention that we misused a word in our first apology. We should have capitalized 'Negro.'"

Now that's comedy. VOTE GOP!!!

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Bowl games are all about spreading joy

I'm sure you all believed that the college presidents against a college football playoff were only about the money, but you are all so wrong. The college presidents are only about the "goodwill" that college football's bowl games provide for the fans of the sport, as well as supporters of the school.

At least that's what ESPN's Doug Gottlieb believes. He also believes that fairy princesses live in our dreams. What the hell is he talking about?

I think we all know that the college presidents are only about the Almighty Dollar, and that's what the current bowl system provides for them. They want the sponsorship dollars from Tostitos or Dollar Rent-A-Car. If they could do it without upsetting the sponsors, they'd start a new tradition where they'd piss on the bowl game trophy at midfield after the game, because the trophy and title mean just about as much as the used beer that's splattering all over it.

The sponsors like bowl games because they just want exposure for their product. They'll put their name on anything, because they just want you to remember it. They'd sponsor lumberjack competitions or the Bestiality Olympics if they really thought anyone was watching. So instead of looking for a bank within your city limits when Bank of America is raising their fees again, this is where the San Diego State Credit Union is hoping their investment in the historically prestigious Poinsettia Bowl will pay off. I'm really interested to see how long it's going to take for someone like Orville Redenbacher or Dollar General or one of those mall stores to get their own bowl game. I don't see Borders or Waldenbooks ever doing it, because everyone knows that college football fans don't read.

Even if the powers that be were concerned about the so-called "goodwill," it still frustrates fans because the games ultimately don't mean anything. Notre Dame has been a joke for years and I'm supposed to get excited about them playing a 7-6 Hawai'i team in a bowl game? Yeah, the schools are so concerned about the prestige of winning this one. No one cares about that. No one cares about "goodwill." People don't watch college football because they care about "goodwill," they watch it because they want to see legalized criminal assault. If people really cared about "goodwill," they'd watch a USO show or the parade at DisneyWorld.

Sure, the ratings have been good, but that's because nothing else is on and what else are college football fans going to watch? Reruns of the World Series of Poker? College football fans still love the games, but even they want a playoff. Little do they realize that they're shooting themselves in the foot, because the college presidents aren't going to make any changes at all knowing that fans are going to watch regardless.

Here's what I really want to know: Why are college kids playing a football game on Christmas Eve? Instead of spending time with their familes, the kids at Hawai'i and Notre Dame were getting ready for a football game.

I thought this is what we had professionals for, so the college kids don't have to do shit like this. The NFL is paying professionals a lot of money just so they won't complain about giving up their holidays or special moments in their lives for our entertainment. The NFL gives them enough money for the players to fly their families in to wherever the game will be played so that nothing is missed. Now, I've never met a person who's even physically been to Notre Dame or the University of Hawai'i, let alone been there myself, but I'm pretty sure that neither school was springing for the players' families to come along for the ride.

They couldn't do this before or after the holidays? Of course not, because doing it on Christmas Eve maximizes the game's earning potential. They're telling these kids to give up their holidays to play in a football game that means about as much as an elementary school graduation ceremony, all so the school will rake in more money. Now that's America.

Combat racism for what?

It's ironic that a man named "Black" runs the largest white supremacist site in the country.

Martin Luther the King is accused of being a liar, drunk, cheater, and plagiarist. Even if it's all 100% true, it doesn't change the fact that he was a great man who gave his life to make the world better than it was before him. I really hope that people weren't expecting the man to be perfect. I don't believe Jesus was perfect, so the rest of us will never even get close.

Meanwhile, what are these white supremacists doing to make the world better? Whose lives have they changed for the better? What have they ever done to make someone else happy? Instead, all they do is tear down others, not even bothering to present a viable alternative to the world they oppose. It's no wonder that these people vote Republican all the time.

I suppose I could get upset with white supremacist site Stormfront.org for taking a site called martinlutherking.org and presenting him as having comparable moral fiber to Tony Montana, but I'm not even going to argue with it, because there's no point to it. These are people who hate people of other races for no reason, then think up their justifications later. Now, if they're not smart enough to know why they hate me up front, I pity them more than I hate them because of their ongoing battle with uncontrollable drooling.

I figure if you're dumb enough to believe that Black people are inherently less intelligent than white people, then you're dumb enough to believe that white people alone built this country and that the rest of us are actually going to stand still and let you kill us. I wonder if they still believe that Black men have monster dicks and live only to sleep with white women.

My suggestion to everyone is to ignore these people, including the roster at Fox News. My reason for it is simple: They're not going to change, but they will become 100% obsolete at some point. All we have to do is wait them out, live our happy lives in harmony and let them keep being mad that white people aren't in charge of everything anymore. Time and anger strokes will take care of the rest.

We could fight them, but you might as well try to win at shadowboxing or convince air to transform into money, because all three things are going to leave us all looking really stupid. All that fighting them is going to do is keep the hate going. I'd rather just sit back and wait for the day to come when people like that are looked down upon from the judgmental perch known as "a future perspective," like how we view breakdancers today, or people who wore jheri curls.

And that day is coming. Yes, there are a lot of white people that are upset that a Black man will be President, and that's okay. I think the majority of those people will be saved from their own stupidity once they see that Barack Obama is not the rap video stereotype that they feared he would be or they realize that some socialist policies have actually benefited us for decades, like labor laws.

The rest of them, they're a lost cause. You can try to convince them to see the error of their ways, but you might as well try to convince your bowels to stop moving. It won't end well for you either way. The only way that they're going to change is to go to jail and spend hours a day folding bedsheets with Guy Torry. Come to think of it, that might just make things worse.

But exposure to Black people is the only thing that can change those people, and that's not going to happen as long as these groups are living in the backwoods in Alabama or Montana. After all, people who grow up around Black people tend not to act like that. They also tend to bathe and keep teeth in their mouths. But we're not about to put together missions to go into the woods and convert these people with chicken and soul records, because it's something about the woods that contain clearly crazy white people that just makes Black people uneasy.

I know I'm not going to knock on some racist's cabin door in Montana. I'll leave that to someone way stupider. Me, I'm content knowing that the odds are that they're not actually going to do anything besides write books about how white people are "losing the country" and keep hoping that someone with bigger balls gets the race war started.

Conversely, white supremacists need to understand that even if a race war starts, they can't kill everyone. Again, it's no surprise that they all vote Republican, because they've adopted Bush's foreign policy to be their policy for everything. The world is not the world that it was in the 1950s and it's never going to back to that. More people like the fact that today's world has spicy food and good dancing in it. That's not to say that there isn't a role for white people stuff in this world, because who's going to play our sarcastic TV doctors and movie serial killers?