Tuesday, September 03, 2013

Ben Affleck as Batman isn't worth an anger stroke

Watching the internet unravel after Ben Affleck was announced to play Batman was something to behold. Seeing millions of allegedly grown ass people lose their shit over a guy dressing up in a rubber suit was a memorable moment in the history of nerddom, right behind "The Dark Knight Returns," "everyone in America pretending to be nerds," and "guys being able to pull girls with superhero shirts on."  Except this was truly entertaining, and I thank you.

I guess I just never really understood that level of anger over something that I don't own or can't control. Sure, I've had differences with movie creators over things, because who the fuck reads that Catwoman script and thinks that their work is done?  Also, my hate for Joel Schumacher's Batman movies was so great, I actually made an ex-girlfriend cry because she wanted me go see "Batman and Robin."  But even that was after we left the theater.  I at least had the decency to watch the movie before I shit on it so hard that I hurt a person's feelings. 

And really, at the time, announcing George Clooney at Batman actually provided some hope, until they said that Joel Schumacher was coming back, and thus began a two-year long campaign to never see that movie.  All of which was ruined opening weekend, when she begged me to go with her and her brother and sister.  We went to see that fucking movie, and now, we're no longer together.  I'm not saying the two events are related, but that was a really shitty movie. 

Anyway, freaking out on that level based on announcements has never made sense to me. Especially considering how wrong fandom tends to be.

By now, everyone's been reminded of how wrong they were about Michael Keaton as Batman in 1989, and Heath Ledger as the Joker in 2008.  Even those didn't bother me at all, because in 1988, when they revealed Michael Keaton, I thought it was pretty cool that Mr. Mom would be Batman.  Keep in mind, I was 10, and still considered Garfield comics to be a prime reason to read the newspaper.  And when Heath Ledger was announced as the Joker, I really didn't mind, because every announcement came with the disclaimer that they were going for something different.  Which they did.  And everybody was happy.

No, I'm not comparing Batfleck to Heath Ledger's Joker, but it's not like it's a fuck up that you can see coming a mile away.  It's not like it's Jessica Alba as the Invisible Woman or Keanu Reeves as John Constantine or every painful second of "X3: The Last Stand."  Some people are horribly miscast at times or are generally bad actors, and this isn't one of those times.  Now, that's the kinda stuff that fans should get upset about, but there you are, helping "Fantastic Four" make enough money for a sequel.  And instead, y'all wanna get mad about Idris Elba playing Heimdall in the Thor movie.  Look, Heimdall could have been played by Macho Man Randy Savage, and he still would have just stood there and been irrelevant.  That's why they were fine with turning him black.

Everyone has been bringing up all that old shit, like "Gigli" and "Daredevil, but Ben Affleck wasn't what was wrong with those movies.  You can see it if you watch them without actively hating Ben Affleck.  They were bad because of the people in charge of making them, and in the case of Mark Steven Johnson, writer/director of "Daredevil," he's proven that he was the problem when he made "Ghost Rider."  That guy is desperately trying to tell you to keep him away from the set of your movie.  That guy's directed five movies with an average Metacritic score of 5.6.  On Rotten Tomatoes, he has a 32.75% fresh rating.

I don't know what went wrong with "Gigli," though, because the guy who wrote and directed that also directed "Beverly Hills Cop" and "Midnight Run."  No one could have seen that coming.  But sure, it's Ben Affleck's fault that the fourth friend in the Hangover flicks was allowed to copy Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" and call it acting.

That's right, the guy who spent the first Hangover stuck on the roof.  That guy.  Oh, and it was also Ben Affleck's fault that Jennifer Lopez's pussy monologue got through multiple edits.  Fuck, that was a painful movie to watch.  #butitwasntBenAfflecksfault

Right now, it's the cool thing to say that stuff, or talk about how you aren't going to see Superman/Batman or Batman/Superman or Batman vs. Superman, or Superman: The Quest for Peace, whatever they're going to call it.  But the more I think about it, the more I get excited about the idea of Ben Affleck as Batman.  And I'm the guy that everyone expects to be hyper-critical of everything (Man of Steel sucked, fuck you).  Because, like Matt Damon said, "He's not playing King Lear."  Except I've never seen that, so I'll go with the guy who played Gollum in "Lord of the Rings."  But he's been playing Bruce Wayne for the better part of his career, and since he already has the chin, all he has to bring for Batman is a better Batman voice than Christian Bale.  Preferably one that he can use when speaking meaningful dialogue.

But think about that:  All he has to work on for the next year is choosing a good Batman voice.  As long as he doesn't try to get creative or make him British, he's already won.  Honestly, I'm more worried about the writer and director.  Those people made made Superman an emo hobo and a killer. At the same damn time.  For all we know, these jokers might have Batman dancing or enjoying life.  I really don't know what to expect.

Even if you don't agree with this casting decision, why get mad?  If it fails, they will know, probably before opening weekend is over, that they made a mistake.  Not only that, you just spent two years hoping it failed so you could be right.  But if it succeeds, then you've just spent the previous two years being upset and wrong about something.  It's a no-win for you.  And most importantly, you had no effect on it either way.  You were angry, wrong, and irrelevant.  But if you sit back and just wait for it, you'll only be one of those things.