The Six Stages of Employee Discontent

1. Surprise: You can’t believe that these people hired you! Lucky for you the stories from your old bosses never made it into your background check. Either that, or this company is really desperate for people right now. Either way, you’re just glad to be working. Sure, it’s not the greatest job and you might be able to make a dollar or two more somewhere else, but it’s okay, because you don’t plan on being here very long. Your resume is all over the place, you’re almost finished writing your book, “War in the Stars,” and your patents for the battery-powered vibrating condom are all ready to be filed. You’re on the verge of taking the world by the tail, or however that stupid saying goes.

2. Denial: Eight months into it and you’re still working there. What the hell happened? All your plans to change jobs fell through and you’ve had to put up with the most ridiculous people and rule changes. Remember the meeting where they said you’d get written up for not separating your garbage? Even though the company seemed really cool and laid back when you got there, things have really started to test your patience. Like the gossip queen or the nosy girl or the gay guy who wants to suck you off every time you’re in the bathroom together. Yeah, you let him do it that once, but he’s really tight with the gossip queen and you’re afraid he could blackmail you. You’ve got to get of here. But for some reason, you keep taking everything that’s heaped upon you. Why? You’re not going anywhere and the company knows it. You still think you’re leaving, though. Your book and your patents are going to pay off. You just know it. And that’s why this one is called “denial.”

3. Despair: “You know, God, if you strike me down right now, I promise I won’t be upset at all.” Those are the kinds of thoughts you’re beginning to have even before you open your eyes in the morning, because you hate going to work so much. “I think that 5 years in jail for bank robbery is an acceptable risk.” You also think that today could be the day you punch out the girl in the next cube who thinks she can sing. Your mind has begun wandering in this way because it’s starting to sink in that you’re going to be stuck working here for a while. After all, it turns out that you’re vibrating condom technology is neither safe nor enjoyable. And every publisher in your city says that your book is nothing more than a very uncreative retelling of “Star Wars,” but that movie is 31 years old. Who knew that they would notice? It seems like all of your plans are beginning to fall apart.

4. Bargaining: Everyone seems to be leaving and getting new jobs that pay better with less stress. Everyone except you, that is. This is the stage where you start begging everyone you know to pass along your resume. This is the stage where you ask everyone to “hook me up!” And if you’re desperate enough, this is the stage where you start to consider the sale of some of your morals in exchange for job leads. You’ll catch yourself saying things like, “In my mouth? Alright, but only if you get me on where you work,” or “I’ll let you put it in my ass for three minutes if you just pass my resume along, Roger.” Yes, you want to leave so bad that suddenly having to take a shot in the ass is no longer a deal-breaker. Ultimately, these things never work, because the fun jobs where they have parties every Friday and ride to work on rainbow clouds are looking for better qualified people than you.

5. Defeat: In this stage, you’re not brave enough to quit, but you’re actively trying to get fired. If you worked at Burger King, it’s the stage where you start getting extremely honest with the customers. You might tell one of them, “I’m gonna spit in your Whopper because your belt and shoes don’t match.” If you worked in a clothing store, you might tell the fatty browsing in the petite section that she hasn’t run enough laps to even accidently glance at size 4 jeans yet. You might tell her she so big that she’s not even allowed to buy them for someone else. And really, what do you have to lose? You hate your job. You’re at the point where you’ll sit in the parking lot and stare at the building before you come inside. Don’t act like you’ve never done it. But what else can you do? It’s a Bush economy and jobs aren’t really out there like they once were.

6. Acceptance: This is the stage where you get used to the idea that you’re stuck working this job because you didn’t listen to your mother and go to class instead of having that ninth shot of vodka off of that girl’s stomach. You feel no need in getting better at your job than you already are, yet you don’t worry about getting fired, because you’re working just hard enough to keep the red Staples box off of your desk. You no longer feel highs, nor lows, you believe that having a phone at your desk makes you somewhat important, and your proudest achievements include your streak of consecutive days coming to work drunk without arousing suspicion. Instead of filling your days with regrets about how you probably should have made that girl go home so you could put in that last ditch effort to write your senior thesis the night before it was due, your mind now tries to come up with reasons why you’re better off here than working for a successful company that pays well. You now defend the company decisions, explaining to your co-workers that we don’t need to have Christmas off. You’ve now become the kind of employee that everyone hates. Enjoy spending the next 30 years of your life stubbornly clinging to this unchanging, tedious, hourly wage job.

The Art and Zen of Naming Wrestlers

Paul Heyman made Albert relevant simply by changing his name to “A-Train.” Before that, he was just Albert: A wrestler so boring, he couldn’t draw heat if you threw gasoline and matches at him while he was sleeping inside of a jet engine. But all Heyman did was change his name, give him a better entrance, and the possibilities became endless. Everything else about him was exactly the same, but he SOUNDED more interesting. Who wouldn’t want to watch a wrestler named “A-Train?” It’s like the difference between a wrestler named Wayne “The Train” Bloom and a wrestler named Blake Beverly. In your mind, Wayne “The Train” Bloom would stomp Blake Beverly’s fruity, purple-star-wearing ass. Names go a long way towards whether or not a wrestler’s gonna get the channel changed on him.

It’s the reason why they stopped calling Triple H, “Hunter Hearst Helmsley.” And it’s the reason why some wrestlers simply won’t stand a chance with the names they’re saddled with. I know; it’s not Vince’s fault that the angels delivered Gene Snitsky’s unborn soul to parents who would actually name him “Gene Snitsky.” But it is Vince’s fault that he looked at this guy and said, “Look, the fact that your ancestors were cursed by phonetics back in the old country shouldn’t stand in the way of my ability to exploit you. Let’s call you something else.” Snitsky’s not a bad wrestler, just a poorly named one. And some things just can’t be overcome.

So knowing this, it baffles the mind why The E insists on calling former NWA World Champion Ron “The Truth” Killings by the ridiculous “R-Truth.” I guess Vince took it personal that Killings found some success outside of his watch and not when he was called the equally ridiculous “K-Kwik” or “K-Krush.” This also baffles me because John Cena and Batista use their extremely bland real names when they could have kept on being “Prototype” and “Leviathan.”

What causes the need for these name changes? Why was “Wildcat” Chris Harris changed to “Braden Walker?” Why was Monty Brown changed to “Marcus Cor Von?” Are their names changed just because they came from TNA? Because in my mind, letting viewers know that Harris was a champion somewhere else or that Monty Brown has won the Super Bowl before might add some credibility to their debuting wrestlers. Otherwise, fans will notice how out of shape they look.

Not only that, what causes them to give wrestlers really bad names? Why make it harder for Kenny “Dykstra” or “Dolph Ziegler” than it has to be? The second I hear a guy come out named “Dolph Ziegler,” I’m instantly reminded why I stopped watching this crap: It’s really stupid. The guy could be Shawn Michaels mixed with Eddie Guerrero and Jesus, but when I hear “Dolph Ziegler,” I automatically think, “This guy never had a chance.

It would be one thing if they were changing these guys’ names to something that sounds good, but they’re giving them names that sound like they should be looking up at the lights at the end of the match. If you’re in charge of coming up with names for people and the best you can do is say, “I’m gonna name this guy after my favorite baseball player and send him out there,” we need to hook up after I get done writing this, because I know you give the bomb head.

Could you imagine if Ric Flair was sent out as “Ricky Fleihr,” because no one had the imagination to actually call him “Ric Flair,” or if it was “Mikey Higginbottom” who debuted alongside Marty Jannetty instead of “Shawn Michaels?” What about “Terry Gene Bollea?” “Sid Eudy?” Or even “Mick Foley?” Of course you can’t imagine it, because even if this fantasy, you know the guy wouldn’t have stuck around long enough for you to remember who he was. If “Larry Pfohl” had shown up in the NWA, I would have been too busy tripping over the strange combination of consonants to notice his lack of wrestling ability.

Point being, it’s all about sounding like a star when you name a wrestler. “Shawn Michaels” sounds like he should be famous for something, be it pro wrestling or drilling your favorite female porn stars. “Mike Higginbottom” sounds lke he works at a used car lot. No offense, Shawn.

Of course, just because a guy has a snappy sounding name doesn’t mean he’s automatically going to be successful, because David Flair went down in flames. But it helps for his name to make him sound like he’s not a loser to someone who hasn’t seen you yet. And just because WCW got lucky with “GOLDBERG” doesn’t mean that sticking with “LASHLEY” was the right move.

Everyone’s can’t be blessed with an ass-kicker’s name, like “Brock Lesnar,” so for every wrestler whose name really is “Garrison” or “Gregory,” The E should help them out by not making them face the world with those names, when they could be calling them “Lance” or “Hurricane.” But even in trying to help these guys’ careers by giving an eye-catching name, The E should still try to steer clear of making the wrestler in question wish he had used his real name instead.

Who asked you anyway, Matt Damon?

Matt Damon was in the news this week because he was pointing out certain problems that he has with the Sarah Palin nomination. Even though the video doesn't show it, I know he was asked about it before he started talking about it, because unless you're famous for talking ad nauseum, like Kevin Smith, you generally aren't just going to volunteer your personal thoughts on politics. And he didn't call a press conference to say to the world, "Sarah Palin's nomination is like a bad Disney movie. And her feet smell." No, nothing like that. He was asked a question and he answered it.

So now, Fox News and MSNBC are mad at Matty Damon and rightfully so, because who is Matty Damon to get on TV and answer questions asked of him about things outside the realm of key grips and personal assistants to the associate producer? Matty Damon is JUST AN ACTOR, not a pundit or a politician, so what could he possibly know about politics? What could he possibly bring to the civilized discourse that we have here in the right-wing media? Why, I think that all actors should just do their damn jobs and keep making movies! They all just need to keep the vaseline on their teeth and read from the script, because the only meaningful things that actors have ever said was prepared for them by a scriptwriter!

Something needs to be done about this and we need to follow the lead of the conservative media at Fox News and MSNBC in discounting the uninformed opinions of these celebrities. So next time an actor is on TV, talking about something that doesn't have to do with his next movie, we need to take action against them. Let's not coddle them by hearing them out, like CNN does. We need to rise up against these celebrities that believe that they have thoughts and opinions that need to be listened to or considered based on their own merit. What has Fred Thompson, Charlton Heston, Ben Stein, or Arnold Schwarzeneggar ever said that we needed to hear, anyway?

I'll tell you what they didn't say: "I am a talented actor." Not one a one of them.

The conversative media kills me because, even though he's bringing up valid points about Sarah Palin (he wants to know if she's going to start banning books as Vice-President, which she has apparently tried to do before), because he's not on their side, NOW he's just an actor. But when Charlton Heston wants to become spokesman of the NRA, he's a respected voice in the community. When Ben Stein wants creationism taught in schools, we need to consider his words in fairness. You can't pick and choose, Fox News and MSNBC, because if that's the case, Ronald Reagan was a C-level actor who should have never been heard from. If Ronald Reagan can get a glowing testimonial about how he dismantled the Soviet Union and punched down the Berlin Wall, despite his osteoporosis, in every history book in America, then I guess Kathy Griffin should be starting her Presidential Campaign from the D-List sometime soon.

Having Matt Damon or even Kathy Griffin comment on politics can't damage the political discourse anymore than Rush Limbaugh or Bill O'Reilly already have, and they blatantly try to destroy it on a day-to-day basis. At least Matt Damon will just speak his piece and go do whatever it is that Matt Damon does all day. Bill O'Reilly won't go away, no matter how badly I pray that a freight train will get lost and find its way through his studio during a live broadcast. Matt Damon's comments were clearly well thought out and it's not like he just got on TV and embarrassed himself, like the time Bill O'Reilly acted surprised that the black restaurant he had been to wasn't owned and run by poo-flinging monkeys.

Personally, I'd like to see Matt Damon's questions answered, because knowing if Vice-President Palin will ban books or if she believes the Earth is only 6,000 years old will go a long way towards me deciding whether or not I'm going to publicly respect her intelligence. Instead of trying to shoot holes in Matt Damon's credentials, why not just act like adults and say, "i disagree with his comments," and move on? Because if you want to go toe-to-toe on who deserves the right to speak, Rush Limbaugh's intellectual output includes mocking Michael J. Fox's bout with Parkinson's disease, while Matt Damon's includes not saying anything that fucking stupid.

In defense of....Kanye West?

The paparazzi are some of the scummiest people on the earth, and I feel comfortable saying that having never met one. I don't know anyone who has ever said a positive word about them other than other paparazzi, which is kind of like getting a good character reference from the Devil. They make a living bothering famous people and invading their privacy, which takes balls, but it takes even bigger balls to actually tell the public that the famous person in question was wrong for shooting at them, even though this asshole was standing in their bushes trying to snap pictures of them on the toilet. The paparazzi deserve no sympathy from anyone, at anytime, for anything.

Kanye West is a spoiled child. Even though he can legally drink and vote, he still thinks it's okay for him to throw temper tantrums when things don't go his way. He bitches when his videos don't win awards because he spent a million dollars on them. He bitches when MTV doesn't let him perform on the main stage at the VMAs. He bitches when he's told that he can't shoot because he doesn't have a permit, which in truth, was a prank, but he didn't know that when he ran off from the police with his film stock. All Kanye West does is bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, which isn't a good look at 31 years old. It's not even a good look in fourth grade. But much like the asinine fashion statement of wearing two Polo shirts on top of each other, he has made the ludicrous seem normal, even acceptable. I don't like Kanye West on a personal level and I've never even met him.

So who's side do you think I'll take when two of my least favorite entities on Earth run headlong into each other?

For the first time ever, I think Kanye West made the right move when he broke that fucker's camera and for the first time ever, I'm glad TMZ got something on film, because I wanted to personally witness this loon using his whiny-bitch powers for good instead of evil. Sure, Kanye West got arrested for this, but it was well worth it.

When you run up on someone in the airport, the last thing they want to do is get filmed. The last thing they want is to answer your stupid ass questions. Now, many celebrities will be nice and sign an autograph or take a picture with you, but they want nothing to do with the paparazzi even when they're in a good mood. So you can imagine how they'll treat the paparazzi when they're in one of the most stress inducing places on the planet.

No one wants to be at the airport. The common thread between every single person in the airport, no matter who they are, is that they want to leave. Preferably without anything exploding. Everyone except the paparazzi, because even though the video doesn't show it, I'm sure they said something to make Kanye flip out and try to make him look like he's crazy (which he is), because that's their job. They'll edit out their part in Kanye's meltdown and air it on their terrible fucking show, that shows how simple and not clever they are. And to the people who don't know about the paparazzi, Kanye will be a crazy black man (which he is). But to the rest of us who know better, Kanye West will be doing something that we all wish more celebrities would do: Shove those goddamn cameras up their asses. Even though he got arrested for it, for one day, Kanye West was my hero.

What the hell am I saying?

The video of Kanye West defending America's freedoms can be found here. That's it. Kanye needs to drive his car into an orphanage or something, so I can stop being on his side. Fuck up again, Kanye!

Why TNA Continues to Fail

The Jarretts' TNA Wrestling promotion has been on Spike TV since 2005. It is arguably the centerpiece of the SpikeTV lineup, as wrestling shows tend to be when there's nothing else worth mentioning on the network. Despite the promotion's growing popularity, it can't seem to really get over the hump as far as ratings are concerned. Now, I can't say much about the actual product, but I can say a quite a bit about the retarded network they're on. From what I do know about TNA's actual show, there's no reason why they shouldn't consistently pull down higher ratings than they do. So why is TNA still pulling 1.0's, despite having a roster of extremely popular wrestlers?

Impact airs on Thursday Nights.
Sure, let's put our minor-league wrestling show on the most stacked night of the week. Listen, if I was a TV executive, I wouldn't put a show on Thursday nights even if it had the backing of a real network. That's the night that's only for the best of the best, so please don't think that people are gonna stop watching "ER" to watch a show that's three steps away from the indys. It's not 1999 anymore and people aren't dying for more wrestling. The reason why it worked for Smackdown is because A:) Everyone knew the WWF. B:) Wrestling was peaking at the time. C:) They had the backing of a major network (in comparison to SpikeTV, UPN was major). D:) Stone Cold and The Rock. Point being, Thursday is a brutal night. Hell, WCW Thunder was wholly owned by the company that ran the network it was on, and it only lasted a year and some change on Thursdays.

SpikeTV won't promote the show outside of Impact.
This one is the killer, and this one is the reason why Spike had an open slot for wrestling to begin with. When Raw came to TNN back in 2000, it was by far the highest rated show on cable. It was pulling 6's and 7's in a format that's doing well to get 4's. And from the minute it went to TNN, the ratings dropped by two points and stayed there. Now, sure, by the time they left TNN, the show was complete crap, but at the time, it was still hot. WWF Superstars were still seen everywhere and the Monday Night Wars were still going on. Wrestling was still must-see-TV. So what happened to those two ratings points? Less people had TNN than USA, sure, but those who did barely knew that Raw was even on TNN.

I don't know where TNN learned how to promote, but clearly it wasn't from people who ran good networks, because the only time a commercial for Raw was ever seen by these eyes was DURING Raw, which is really, really retarded. Why are you going to promote the show that they're already watching? If this had been NBC, you would have seen commercials during every show they had, which is what they do for shows they expect to be big. They call that "promotion," back in the old country. For instance, how many times a day do you see a commercial for "My Own Worst Enemy?" I'll bet that everyone knows that Christian Slater has a show coming out.

But TNN didn't do that for Raw, TNN didn't do that for ECW before it, and SpikeTV isn't doing that for Impact. When Raw was peaking on USA, you saw commercials for it everywhere and you saw their wrestlers everywhere. TNA Wrestlers aren't even featured outside their own show. Hell, even Sci-Fi saw the wisdom in having CM Punk on that ghost show. Is it helping? I don't know, because, fuck fake ECW. But at least they're trying.

Thing is, if the biggest promotion on the planet was losing viewers, with their biggest stars, DURING THEIR PEAK, on this network, what chance does an fledgling promotion like TNA have?

Spike TV is listed at the end of everyone's channel run.
This might not be true, but i know everywhere I've seen SpikeTV, it's always channel 78 or something like that, which basically assures that no one will EVER see it while channel surfing. I don't know about anyone else, but my finger gets tired somewhere around ESPN (46, 47). I know that everything after that is Lifetime, Oxygen, and crap like that, so I skip straight to Comedy Central (68) and then back to the beginning. I honestly keep forgetting that I even have SpikeTV.

Bottom line, I don't think TNA will ever succeed on SpikeTV, because they just don't care. Clearly, through its evolution from The Nashville Network to The National Network (the fuck does that even mean?) to SpikeTV, they've still got the same good ol' boy, small time mentality that has kept them a second rate network all along. TNA isn't the only thing suffering over there. "Blade" was getting some positive reviews, and it still got cancelled. I only knew about "Afro Samurai," because I saw it in "Wizard," and that show stars Samuel L. Jackson. Most people will watch anything that man is in ("Shaft," by God. "Shaft."), yet no one watches that show.

So moving TNA to Monday nights won't help, because no one's going to know that they're on Monday nights. They've already got some of the biggest names in the business and that's not helping. They're branching out, touring, got video games on the way...what more can TNA do? The only thing that hasn't changed is the way SpikeTV does things. So if TNA wants to finally become one of the big boys, they're going to have to get off of Thursday nights on a network not named SpikeTV. You'll see how right I am when Smackdown starts outperforming Impact on MyNetwork TV.