My Talk With Donovan McNabb

The following is a completely true story.

For anyone who doesn’t know, my favorite football player is Philadelphia Eagles starting quarterback Donovan McNabb. I think he is the best quarterback in the NFL and I would pick him over any player if I had to start a team tomorrow. Well, early Sunday morning, it was my privilege and honor to meet Mr. McNabb after a press conference that he held behind the Jiffy Lube at the corner of Wesley Chapel and Snapfinger Rd. in Decatur. As the press conference ended, he began to walk down Snapfinger Rd. in the direction of Hwy. 155, and as I was headed the same way (my parents live down there), I caught up to him, and we had a pretty interesting chat.

Of course, I told him my opinions about his game and he was flattered by my compliments. He took them very humbly, and even cracked a few self-effacing jokes.

I asked him about his friendship with Daunte Culpepper and the similarities and differences between their personalities and games. I also somehow worked in a follow-up question about Terrell Owens. He had nothing but good things to say about both.

I asked him what he thought about his team this season and if he thought that he was the best quarterback in the NFL. He declined to talk about himself and instead referred to the team’s goals this season.

All in all, I found him to be a very humble, genuine, and humorous human being. He was the kind of person you could walk up to on the street and start talking to and you’d feel as if you’d known him for years.

We found ourselves just past Ray of Hope Church, when an odd thing occurred. In the middle of our conversation, I felt a hand on my dick.

My eyes got big, not out of surprise, but because they had been closed the entire time. I had been sleeping and dreamt the whole thing. I had been awoken by the surprise of my girlfriend readjusting my boxer shorts. It had fallen out during the night.

Should I ever meet Donovan McNabb outside of my head, I fully intend to tell him this completely true (true in the sense that I truly did imagine it) story.

The G.I. Joe Movie: Here's They Go Again

Just when the pain in my soul hadn't recovered from "Transformers," the Hollywood executives at Paramount have decided to reach inside my chest again, pull out my lungs and piss on them in front of me.

G.I. Joe is to be released sometime next year, because Hollywood hasn't kicked me in the balls enough. Keep trying, Hollywood. I think I can still produce kids out of the left nut. A perfect target for when that He-Man movie is finally released.

Here is the synopsis for the movie, as reported by Variety: "G.I. Joe is now a Brussels-based outfit that stands for Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity, an international co-ed force of operatives who use hi-tech equipment to battle Cobra, an evil organization headed by a double-crossing Scottish arms dealer. The property is closer in tone to X-Men and James Bond than a war film."

What the hell does that even mean? G.I. Joe is supposed to be a reference to our Army, and the term "G.I." doesn't even have any significance outside of our borders. I can't imagine an international organization pandering to us like that. Also, the fact that it's based in Brussels and is an international squad kinda goes against that "Real American Hero" part. I mean, G.I. Joe being American is right there in the name.

And Cobra isn't led by a double-crossing Scottish arms dealer. It's a ruthless terrorist organization led by Cobra Commander (and later on, Serpentor, when things started getting really ridiculous).

The changes are being made because Paramount is concerned about whether or not they can successfully market a movie about the U.S. Military at a time when our military is viewed in such a negative light around the world. They openly admit that it will be a "tough sell" and so they're changing things up to assure that "as many people as possible around the world will want to see it. " My solution to this would be not making the movie, but I'm not a movie executive. I don't think that there's a huge demand for a movie about G.I. Joe, so I'm sure no one would miss it if it wasn't there. Or, you could just not make the changes, because after all, it's G.I. Joe, not U.N. Squadron.

There was also talk of including G.I. Joe's overseas counterpart, Action Man. Thankfully, they didn't do it, as it would have just become two versions of every character. By the time I got overseas, Action Man was just the G.I. Joe line with a new logo on it. Plus, Action Man was always a stupid name. Was that really the best they could do? It could be worse, though; they could have called it "Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles."

Wait, what? You're kidding, right? No, for real. "Hero Turtles?" I thought I just made that up.

Of course, what it all should come down to in the end is the characters and giving the fans what they want. I don't have much faith that they will, because after all, you saw what I thought about "Transformers." G.I. Joe was a show based in Reaganomics, Cold War America. There's was an emphasis on big guns, cool planes, and hardcore patriotic action stars. The kind of guys that chewed glass and liked the salty taste of their own blood. Like an entire group of Rambos that couldn't shoot, but things would blow up anyway.

This movie most likely won't be that way, but at least I won't have to worry about this movie focusing too much on humans and the government, because that's what this one is about. But no quote screams "failure" like the one from Paramount producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura: "My experience with beloved properties is that characters, attitude and tone are even more important than plot." Just the perfect attitude to dash the hopes of fans of a long-dead property. Reading between the lines, it says that they'll get all the catchphrases in the movie, which will be nothing more than a series of explosions. The hero will have a love interest. Roll credits.

With thinking like that at the helm, (it's directed by Stephen Sommers, director of "The Mummy," a series so bland, even The Rock couldn't make me like it) I can't wait for He-Man now. They'll probably make He-Man more slender, because they don't want to upset anyone thinking that he could be on steroids. Man-At-Arms will be his gay sidekick to promote acceptance.

The Fuck Is Going on in Jena?

For most of this week, I've been thinking about this Jena 6 situation down in Louisiana. I've been trying to think of some way to comment on what's going on down there, to muster the anger that I know many black people are feeling inside, and explode it onto my keyboard so the world will feel what I feel.

And you know what? I can't do it. I just don't feel the anger this time. Surprising considering how little it takes to set me off for most things. You'd think that blatant racism in 2007 would be a cake walk. But it isn't. And I can't figure out why.

I read some articles about the timeline and I felt anger boil up inside me. I did. But when it came time to write, it just wouldn't come out. It's not that I don't feel outrage for what's happening down there. I guess I'm just not the least bit surprised that they still do it. Even though I have white friends, I'm never surprised by the lengths that the white establishment will go to exclude black people from the idea of a stress-free life.

This entire thing probably could have been avoided had the school superintendent just nipped this in the bud and expelled the three kids that hung the nooses from the "white tree." Or if they had charged the kid who was pointing the shotgun at black people with a crime of some sort, like illegal pointing of a shotgun at people. Or maybe if the cops in Jena hadn't arrested the black kids who took said shotgun away from the homicidal racist that was pointing it at people. Any of those would have gone a long way towards diffusing any racial tension. But to blow off the concerns of the black populace of Jena by referring to the nooses as "youthful prank..."

...you're lucky that black folks didn't burn your fucking town down.

To any white people who might ever read this: There is nothing funny about 400 years of slavery. There is nothing funny about our struggle to be treated like men and women. There is nothing funny about lynching. There is nothing funny about discrimination. There is nothing funny about Klan rallies, or racism, or blackface, or any of that. And everything that black folks have gone through in this country and the evil, hateful feelings that have been directed at us, and the charges of being a lazy race, or the demands of us to "go back to Africa," all of that can be summed up by one symbol.

The goddamn noose.

How about you go tell the family of Emmitt Till that it was a "youthful prank?" How about all of those black families that have lost a loved one because a bunch of white folks just randomly decided to go chase down and string up a black person just because he was black that it was a "youthful prank?" It's not like it's something that was going on a thousand years ago. This was something that was happening in some of our lifetimes. I personally have been chased through my own neighborhood by white people in a pickup truck, calling me "nigger", and that happened in 1995. I don't know what their intentions were, but I know there are a lot of oak trees in that neighborhood. Don't fuckin' tell me it was a "youthful prank." Toilet papering is a youthful prank. You don't hang a noose from a tree unless you're trying to send a message, and we all know what that message is.

I want to know what the black people of Jena were expected to do. Were they supposed to just take it and pretend it never happened? Let's say that they were and they did. So what do they do when the shotgun incident happened? The black men that took away the shotgun were arrested and the white human being, and I use that term loosely, wasn't even charged. Then, what about the black kid who was beaten up at the white party the night before the shotgun incident? None of the white people involved in any of those incidents were punished severely. So what happened next? A white kid gets fucked up by six black kids because he was talking shit and saying that everything that had happened prior to this historic beatdown was justified. No, you fuckin' cracker...getting your head stomped on, that was justified. And the beating couldn't have been that bad, because the white kid went out that night.

Even still, it's a wonder it didn't happen sooner. The black population of Jena had been taking and taking and taking, but when some of them decide to retaliate, they're not only wrong, but they're brought up on trumped-up charges of second degree assault, with bond set in the hundreds of thousands for each boy. But when you feel like you're backed into a corner, what are you supposed to do?

The black people at this school didn't have any back up. There was no one supporting them. No cops were there to say, "Hey, we're gonna get all this straightened out." No reassuring pats on the back. The cops weren't on black folks' side. The school superintendent wasn't on black folks' side. The district attorney of Jena wasn't on the black folks' side. In fact, he showed his true colors when he told the black kids at the high school that if they didn't stop raising so much sand about the hilarious noose prank, that he "can be your best friend or your worst enemy. I can take away your lives with a stroke of my pen.”

And he's in the process of doing just that to one Mychal Bell, one of the kids who was involved in beating up the cracker. He's facing 22 years in prison for charges of aggravated battery and conspiracy to commit aggravated battery. Charges like that for beating up a kid who went out that night? It couldn't have been that bad. But he was up against a racist system and an all-white jury, each of them being somehow connected to the "victim" or someone else involved in the case. Then, they claim that the jury pool was selected at random.

Lemme go change clothes real quick, because the ones I'm wearing right now must make me look like I just walked out of the cotton fields.

Funny...I wasn't angry as I started writing, but I'm pissed right now. But let me be clear: I don't hate white people. I just hate THESE white people. And I really don't know what I can do to help, other than talk shit in my blog, which is not much. But I did come across a petition to try to get the governor of Louisiana to intervene, but his name is "Blanco," so I don't know how much good that will do. It can be found at: http://colorofchange.org/jena/

There is also information there for those who would be able to make the trip to Jena on September 20 to publicly stand with the families and to anyone who wishes to donate to the legal defense fund for the Jena 6.

Mychal Bell can be sent letters at this address:

Mychal Bell
Inmate, A-Dorm
LaSalle Correctional Center
15976 Highway 165
Olla, LA 71465-4801

We're supposed to be past all this in 2007, but I get the feeling that it's just beginning. Again.

TM

I Can't Believe I Rented It: Action Jackson

The only way this movie could be any more awesome is if they retroactively added “Eye of the Tiger” to the soundtrack and a training montage. That would take it off the scale of recordable words of human speak and into the realm of telepathy between dogs or the binary language of moisture vaporators. It’s got action, it’s got explosions, and it’s got both Vanity’s and Sharon Stone’s exposed breasts. I could end this review right now and you’d completely understand.

I never saw “Action Jackson” when it first came out. Even at the age of 10, I just didn’t like the look of the whole thing. I mean, he was a black guy, so naturally, his name had to rhyme? I seriously thought about these things as a child. I’ll tell anyone who will listen about how I never liked the Junkyard Dog or Roadblock from G.I. Joe because I couldn’t identify with their stereotypical antics, like dancing all time or talking in rhyme. So, I took a pass on “Action Jackson” assuming it would be more of the same.

Then, when I was visiting some friends back in Jackson, “Action Jackson” was put on and they all crowded around the TV to watch, because they loved this movie. I didn’t watch it all, but I did see one part that piqued my curiosity…Action Jackson ran down a speeding taxi on foot. I thought to myself, “This movie must be terrible. I have to see the rest.” So one day when I was in Wal-Mart, the Devil’s Store, I saw it in the five dollar bin. I bought it, and probably three or four other movies that I didn’t need to get.

That movie sat on my movie rack, in the plastic, for about two years. Then, yesterday came, and feeling the need to make fun of something, I decided to finally watch it. And you know what? This is probably the most awesome thing I’ve seen all day. And I don’t feel bad ruining it for you if you haven’t seen it, because the movie’s almost 20 years old. Personally, I’m hoping for a 20th anniversary DVD to be released, with updated pictures of Apollo Creed, who plays Action Jackson, so I can see if he’s still wearing eyeliner.

This movie has every 80’s action movie cliché. A disgraced, over the top, renegade cop that’s living on the edge, a police chief that’s breathing down his neck, a respectable businessman who’s actually a murderous scumbag, complete with henchmen, hot women who get naked, the monologue where the bad guy details his plot to the hero, the romance between the hero and his love interest, no matter how trifling or shady the girl actually is, and let us not forget, the clever quips during and after the fighting. Not to mention, in true 80’s fashion, explosions where there probably shouldn’t be explosions (because in the 80’s, gas tanks were protected by a layer of aluminum foil wrapped in dynamite) and the rotating cast of men that you will only recognize from other 80’s action movies. It’s possible that I have a genetic defect that won’t allow me to dislike this movie.

What else does it have? It also has a scene that is so ridiculous that it came through the mists of time to embed itself in my brain, slap it in the face, and force it to make me spend $5.88 on this DVD.

Sharon Stone (because I couldn’t be bothered to remember her movie name) and Action Jackson are crossing the street, when Sharon makes the mistake of asking out loud why he’s called “Action.” In movies, you just don’t do things like that, because the Spirit of Dramatic Irony will be forced to drop an anvil on you or make zombies come out of the sewers. In this case, he sent a guy in a taxi to run them over, right on cue.

They jump out of the way, and at this point, the computer in his head starts giving him options. He can A:) Make sure the girl is safe. B:) Call for back-up. C:) Chase down a speeding cab on foot. And in true 80’s action movie fashion, he decides to pick the most ridiculous option possible, but because he’s black, he has to give it some flavor. So for a good two minutes, he’s running alongside a car that’s moving at least 50 miles an hour, yelling at the guy to pull over. The guy just sneers that 80’s henchman sneer at him and keeps driving, so Action Jackson leaps off of the ground, onto the roof of a parked car, and soars through the air and lands on the roof of the cab.

The henchman starts to swerve to get him off, but Action Jackson has the Grip of Righteousness on his side, so he stays on. Then, the guy starts shooting at the roof of the car, but that never works and all it does is piss off Action Jackson, a mistake that he warns you throughout the movie that you should never make, because it gives him superpowers or something. So he punches through the wind shield, which he could do without slicing his hand to ribbons because he braced himself, and starts grabbing on the guy, who slams on the brakes.

Action Jackson flies off the hood and rolls about half a mile down the road, and without a scuffed knee or anything, jumps to his feet and starts screaming nonsense at the guy, who sneers again and slams on the gas. And just when you thought the ridiculous couldn’t get no more ridiculouser, Action Jackson leaps into the air, clears the car by at least three feet, does a flip in the air and sticks the landing, just as the cab somehow leaves the ground and crashes into the building at the end of the street. The only reason this doesn’t cause an explosion was because Action Jackson had to get down there and see that the guy somehow got away without a trace.

And right after that, Sharon Stone winds up getting killed by Coach (Craig T. Nelson), who is her husband and the main bad guy. Coach frames Action Jackson for her murder and that sets up another 80’s mainstay: Action Jackson is on the run for a murder he did not commit and must clear his name and expose the insidious plot. While he was on the run, he hooked up with Vanity, who is Coach’s mistress, and forced her to help him because Coach was trying to kill her, too. Vanity spent a good half hour trying to get Apollo to give her the business, but he didn’t, because he was trying to get ready for the fight with Rocky. Or keep them alive. I can’t remember which.

I fail to see how you could walk away from a movie like this without a smile on your face. The only person who probably wasn’t happy with the results was Vanity, who played the junkie with a heart of gold (and panties of imagination). She was finally exposed as someone should only be holding a mic if she’s handing it to someone else AND as an actress who should only be called in if the waitress at the café down the street gets hit by a bus. If she’s ever worked again, it’s proof to me that she gives really good head.

I still liked “7th Heaven” though. That’s probably the best nonsensical song I’ve ever heard. And I liked “Action Jackson,” too, even if they expect me to buy that this cop was so dangerous that they took his gun license away, yet kept him employed as a cop. Or if they expect me to believe that one can drive a Ferrari at top speed through a crowd of people without hitting anyone before going up two or three flights of stairs. Or if they expect me to believe that Coach is a threat to anyone except Stuart or Luther.

For all its faults, I still loved it. I think I loved it because of its faults, mostly because they just don’t make movies like this anymore, and if they do, they call those “direct-to-DVD,” and usually those are so bad that they make my skin burn. It was a nice little throwback to the days when you could invent drinking games based on the cast or the amount of explosions in the movie. Next time you and your friends get together, put this movie on and every time you see a guy that you saw in another 80s action movie, you have to name the movie he was in and take a shot. You also have to take a shot for every explosion. I expect to see more than a few of you in the ICU or a liver transplant list.

Watch this movie because I saw Carl Weathers in some commercial last week for a product I couldn't even name. He's about one stint in rehab away from winding up on "the Surreal Life." He could use our support right now.

Should we still use the death penalty?

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to see murderers die painful deaths at the hands of the government.

It was a glorious time. Reading in the papers about how this murderer or that murderer caught that lightning bolt of justice right in the groin, I felt good about the chances that this or that murderer would show up in my house. Righteousness was all around us, and a lot of times, it was contained in a hypodermic needle, stuck in the arm of some rapist. In fact, my heart swelled with so much justice that I openly wished that the line on Death Row would move just a little bit faster.

I never doubted the death penalty, because I always believed that they were always throwing the right man in the gas chamber. So sure was I that I had begun suggesting that they bring back town square beheadings or hangings, like in the olden days. I wished they had shown that American kid in Singapore getting caned on live TV. Not only was I big on the death penalty, but capital punishment as a whole.

Then, they invented this stuff called DNA, which scientists claim is a foolproof way to identify people, much like they claim that the entire universe exploded into being. Poppycock, I say, but when they started using DNA to clear a lot of convicted rapists and death row murderers of their crimes, everyone started jumping on the DNA bandwagon. Or ladder, because that’s what it looks like.

Suddenly, the infallibility of the death penalty was in question. My world was coming down all around me. Not because the death penalty was going anywhere, but more because I had talked a lot of mess about how the death penalty should be used more and I don’t like being wrong. And if I can’t look forward to killers frying like fish in the deep fryer, how was I going to feel safe?

On top of that, there had been numerous examples over the years where witnesses had recanted their statements that led to convictions of murderers, many of which wound up on Death Row. Innocent people were being sentenced to death because of people who saw the whole thing not seeing what their lying eyes told them that they saw, or because of technologies that hadn’t been invented yet. Could it be possible that the death penalty shouldn’t be used because people it could be sending the wrong person to that eternal punishment in the sky?

That answer, most likely, seems to be “yes.”

I’ve been a huge supporter of the death penalty over the years, but after reading article after article about DNA evidence clearing people of lesser crimes, or witnesses recanting their testimony, most recently in the Troy Davis case here in Georgia. He was granted a stay of execution at the last minute, due to people changing their stories and jurors never feeling right about sentencing him to death or shooting a police officer. What if it turns out he’s innocent and he went to the chair anyway? I know there were some jurors who struggled with that decision and I couldn’t imagine being in their shoes. It’s one thing for the evidence to be overwhelming and it’s a slam dunk case. It’s something else entirely for the case not to be a sure thing. And that’s what leads to situations like Troy Davis’s.

No one was ever 100% sure that he did it, and in fact, the witnesses have fingered one of the other witnesses that testified as the actual killer. And this is happening in a state where a 17 year old boy got 10 years for fooling around with his classmate. If they can’t get one right with video evidence and common sense to work with, imagine what can happen in a situation far more complex. I’ll tell you what can happen…a potentially innocent man loses about 16 years of his life before being wrongly executed. I’m not as comfortable with those odds as I once was. Life is precious, and even though the appeals process can take decades, sometimes that’s not enough time for the truth to come out. Just like there are a hundreds of people that have been cleared by DNA evidence, I’m sure there are thousands more that never had that chance.

So what exactly am I saying? I still believe in the death penalty, because I don’t like the idea of a murderer becoming a repeat murderer. I believe that if you’re out there taking innocent lives, you’ve forfeited the right to continue yours. Sure, there are lots of murderers who have turned their lives around and regret what they’ve done, but there are a lot of murderers who remain unrepentant and probably be executed before they can even get to a holding cell.

At the same time, the process isn’t infallible and there’s no way of knowing how right we are when the guillotine falls on that prisoner’s life. We think we know, but are we always 100% certain? It’s not like Minority Report, where we have a way of seeing what actually went down so we can go stop it before it happens. The system we have doesn’t allow us to see through the mists of time. All we can do is react to the evidence we have in front of us. And sometimes that just isn’t enough to tell a man that he should die.

TM

Don Imus: The Return

As we all knew he would, Don Imus is trying to make his return to radio. He’s settled his lawsuit against CBS Radio and got $7 million. It’s just a matter of time before he’s back on the air, pissing people off and getting us talking again. Personally, I’ve got no problem with this, because I never expected anything less. After all, he is white.

In a surprising twist, Rutgers basketball player, Kia Vaughn, one of the women impugned by the forked tongues of Imus and his producer, has decided to file suit against Imus, alleging defamation of character or some other such allegations. I don’t really remember the details, and I’ve got no problem with this, because Don Imus is a terrible human being.

And unsurprisingly, Kia Vaughn is being criticized for suing Imus. When the controversy was going on, the Rutgers women’s team and C. Vivian Stringer were praised for handling the situation with “class.” They didn’t cause a big stink, they didn’t get loud and pissy. They quietly expressed their displeasure and they were done. White people love it when black people handle the situation with “class.”

But now that she’s suing, she’s selfish and all about the money. The words that were used to describe her and her team are now being thrown in her face. Her lawyer says that she wants to live a normal quiet life and the Imus situation took that away from her, so by gaining much more individual attention, she will get that back. I know it sounds ridiculous, and it is. Let’s be straight up about this: No one outside of Rutgers knows who the hell Kia Vaughn is. I can’t imagine someone walking up to her on the street and saying, “Hey, you’re Kia Vaughn.” It’s not like she’s Kevin Durant.

But should she be allowed to sue? Why not? What’s really so wrong with her lawsuit? We live in a litigious society, and everybody does it. That doesn’t automatically make it right, but with the amount of criticism she’s drawing, I wholeheartedly support her. Do I think it’s racial? Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. Because when the Goldman family wouldn’t leave O.J. alone, they were and still are, lifted up as saints. I saw the civil suit against O.J. as a way to profit off of their son’s death. When some slob sues a large corporation because of something that they’d done to themselves, no one seems to have a problem with that. Why can’t she sue Imus?

I Can't Believe I Rented It: Godzilla

When I sat in the theater watching “Jurassic Park: The Lost World,” there was a scene where a T-Rex gets loose in New York City and starts rampaging all over the place, and I, like so many others, no doubt, had a revelation. No, not that I shouldn’t have gone to the movies to watch “The Lost World,” but that it was just a matter of time before they made another “Godzilla” movie. And in 1998, our worst fears came to pass.

I didn’t go see it, though, and the reviewers ripped it apart. It was one of those times I decided to listen to the critics. Time passed, though, and with the passage of time comes two things: forgetfulness and in some cases, dementia.

In 2003, I met a girl who had “Godzilla” on DVD. She said it wasn’t as bad as everyone said, but I didn’t believe her. I borrowed it from her because I wanted to see just how bad the movie was. I mean, this was a failure of “Waterworld” proportions. The summer of 1998 had “Godzilla” plastered everywhere. There were fast food tie-ins, soft drink promotions, video games, even toys. None of it sold and “Godzilla” became the poster child for summer blockbuster excess.

I started to watch that movie after 30 minutes, I was already doing something else, with absolutely no memory of what I had seen, but I never gave the movie back, because I forgot. Then, came a fateful night in 2007, when my dementia kicked in and I made myself watch the entire movie. What follows is the recollection of my horrible, horrible decision.

In thirty minutes, you should be able to tell if the movie you’re watching is going to suck. Except for “Transformers,” which despite a really good first hour, provided me with two blogs worth of material, every movie pretty much fits into that. After 30 minutes with “Godzilla,” it was pretty easy to see why it flopped. The movie purposely opens in the South Pacific for one reason and one reason only: So they could have an Asian man says “Gojira” on camera.

But besides making fun of the way Asian people talk, this movie was goddamn boring. There’s no other way to say it. I don’t know where moviemakers get the idea that we’d rather see regular humans and government interworkings instead of iconic characters, but “Godzilla” showed Ang Lee and Michael Bay the path that they would later walk with “Hulk” and “Transformers.” And both of those movies were terrible.
For what felt like at least three hours, we got to watch the excitement of a nerd biologist researching a giant lizard and how it got pregnant. Along the way, we got to meet the mysterious Frenchman, the mayor of New York who’s trying to get re-elected, the military guy who’s stuck with the mayor, the governor of New York, the other military guy who’s actually on the ground, a news cameraman and his girlfriend, and an aspiring reporter who just happens to be the ex-girlfriend of the nerd biologist. What do any of these people have to do with a giant lizard rampaging through New York? Except for the nerd and the guy with the guns, not a damn thing.

Honestly, I think the screenwriters forgot what movie they were writing at times, because there were whole hours that went by where they weren’t even talking about the eminent threat to Manhattan and by proxy, life on Earth. I mean, there was a failed relationship to talk about, or the re-election campaign, or the how the ex-girlfriend keeps getting screwed over by her boss at the news station. These are pressing concerns, people! We can’t be bothered with the giant lizard that’s trying to kill us all.

I swear, I thought I was watching Transformers again. Are you sure Michael Bay didn’t direct this?

No, we have the creators of Independence Day to thank for this one. I know this because plastered above the title of the movie is the statement, “From the Creators of Independence Day.” Thanks for telling us that, Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich. Now, I know where to send the shit sandwich for letting this one get out, sucking harder than the virgin girl who’s dealing with her first ‘materhead. It was the sort of experience that makes old ladies drink and babies explode.

I can only imagine what it was like for the people who actually had to sit through this in the theater, because once you adjust for inflation, the people in 1998 would have paid at least $77 to watch this. At least the people who worked for Tri-Star back then were getting paid for this abuse. Which leads me to wonder…how much money would you accept to let someone kick you in the groin?

The special effects were good, and truthfully, I’ve got no problem with the way Godzilla looked, mainly because he wasn’t a robot Godzilla or a turtle with jets for legs or a giant moth. Clearly, there was no opium usage during the creative process. The short time that you got to see Godzilla actually rampaging through the city was pretty okay. Too bad there wasn’t more of it. But where the awe-inspiring moments left off, the ridiculous scenes took over. For instance…

The first time Godzilla comes into full view, he’s just breaking buildings, running all over the place, doing his thug thizzle. Then, he walks up on the nerd biologist (played by a “trying way too hard to be nerdy” Ferris Bueller), gets right up in his face, and just stares at him. And Ferris Bueller stares right back, with all the childlike wonder he can muster. In the background, the music from E.T. when he makes the bikes fly is playing. I swear it is. Now think about that for a second. The perfect killing machine is standing in front of you, wondering what you taste like, but the music is laying out a mood of magical wonder and jumping over the Army on your bike.

As stupid as that sounds, what’s stupider is…Godzilla just walks away. And what’s stupider than that is, the U.S. Army, who was standing right behind him, had to be told to fire on the giant lizard that just destroyed half the city. I guess they were waiting to see if Ferris Bueller and the lizard were going to share a touching kiss. And who would want to ruin the chance to see some “interspecies erotica?”

Godzilla goes running through the city, outruns the gunships that are firing all over the place, then hides somewhere in the city. I would ask how, but it might ruin the illusion of ridiculousness that this movie has worked so hard to create. Although, you probably should remember this scene of Godzilla running at least 150 miles an hour through Manhattan, because later on he’s unable to catch a cab that’s directly in front of him.

Nor could his babies catch the people that were on foot in front of them. Yes, Godzilla has babies. Much like Superman, Godzilla is apparently a “baby daddy.” And his babies are susceptible to Vaudevillian slapstick, because when the people are running from hundreds of mini-Zillas, they’re able to get away when Ferris Bueller pushes some basketballs and a gumball machine into their path. Dear God, Godzilla has given birth to the cast of a Hanna-Barbara cartoon. I think I saw that trick on “Jabber-Jaw.”

Of course, the lizards all die in the end, and the most incompetent military in history manages to get out of this mess without accidentally letting off their grenades in the truck or running over their feet with their tanks. But who was it who actually saved the day? The French guy. That’s right, New York got saved by a French guy. Sure, it was The Professional, but he’s still French. And we just can’t have that.

I’m sure most of you have gone through life not having seen this and I would just like to suggest that you keep doing what you’ve been doing. I have just laid my life and my sanity on the line to assure that you continue to do this. Never see this movie. If you have any respect for me at all, you’ll slap anyone across the face who owns this movie. Just do that for me. Now, I’m going to go throw up.

I Can’t Believe I Rented It: Elektra

Well, truth to tell, I didn’t rent it. It was on FX one weekend, and if you’re the least bit familiar with FX, you know that they can’t show re-runs all the time. There’s no way in Satan’s Hell that I would have spent money to see this movie. It’s not that it was bad. It just wasn’t worth the imaginary money that I wasn’t going to spend.

“Elektra” is a spin-off of a movie that’s only claim to fame is that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner (Bennifer 2), met on the set. That movie would be “Daredevil,” a movie that was only allowed to be made because “Spider-Man” brought in $403 million dollars. It’s not like anyone was clamoring for “Daredevil”, so judging by that, there might have been about 17 or 18 people looking forward to this.

In the lead role, Jennifer Garner plays a Greek assassin who died, but didn’t die, in “Daredevil.” Instead of trying to get into a blind man’s pants or going after the Kingpin, the man who was trying to have her father and boyfriend killed, she goes after some guy and whispers in his ear from across the room. That leads her to find some kid breaking into her place, who develops a girl-crush on Elektra and tries to hook Elektra up with her dad. Because, you know, there always has to be a love interest in these movies. And because a PG-13 rating and child protection laws won’t let Elektra get down with the girl.

So she goes and has dinner with these people, and in one night, she becomes so attached to these perfect strangers who practice breaking and entering at her house, that when her next assignment is to kill those lovable prowlers, she backs out and risks her life to save them from ninjas.

That led to them going on the run and hearing some claptrap about a ninja clan called the Hand whose members are mostly known for getting killed by Wolverine. And since the ninjas weren’t enough to take down Elektra while she’s rescuing these people, the Hand decide to step outside of their own reality, pull The 8 Devils on Kimon from my “Ninja Scroll” DVD and bring them into this movie.

I swear, anyone who’s seen “Ninja Scroll” knows that all they did was change the names of those guys. Unfortunately, they left all of their excitement and coolness back in the other DVD.

Then, it comes out that the 8 Devils are after the girl, because she’s the treasure or something, which I think might just be a nice way of saying that she’s going to be introduced to the child sex ring in Asia. Apparently, one of the 8 Devils, Typhoid Mary, used to be the treasure, and caught so many diseases that now she can spread them at will. It must be cool to be able to mentally control your gonorrhea.

And after that piece of information is revealed, the girl reveals that suddenly, she is an instrument of destruction who has the fighting skills to shove “the glow” up Leroy Green’s ass. The girl is flat-out awesome. So awesome that she could have, you know, been of use when Elektra was killing herself trying to fight off a horde of ninjas or men who turn into stone all by herself. Apparently, it’s more dramatic to reveal that you can stomp ass when you’re not in any danger.

That led to the girl getting her ass in trouble anyway, the 8 Devils getting killed, and Elektra having a showdown with the son of the boss of the 8 Devils and beating on her just long enough to make the people who have never watched movies before think that she could lose. I hope that was the end, because I really don’t remember much else past that.

I won’t get into the mistake that is casting Jennifer Garner as Elektra, because I really try to temper my “Dork Side” when I write these things. I would question the wisdom of making a movie about a superhero that no one outside of the comic book store has ever heard of. At least Meteor Man was an original creation. I would also question making a stand-alone, spin-off movie for a character who’s only notable story involved all of the main characters from the movie she was spun-off from.

But, having said all that, the movie wasn’t good or bad. It just was. It came on, it had a couple of cool scenes, it didn’t make my blood pressure rise or throw anything at the TV, and it ended, roll credits. It was pretty much a B-movie from the 80s. It was generic as generic can get. If you had added some cats, you could have called it “Catwoman” and no one would have known the difference. And for those who are curious, no, I still haven’t seen “Catwoman.” Unless you count the first time it was released under the title, “Batman Returns.”

The War on PETA

Madeline Hatter, you done started something.

Madeline Hatter's a friend of mine who posted an article that she read about PETA that's got me all the way pissed off. I posted it in both of my blogs and someone else's blog. See, I used to think that PETA was just annoying. I mean, at heart, coming to the defense of animals is pretty admirable, and someone needed to do it. However, there is a line that PETA crossed long ago, pissed on, and are steadily moving light-years away from.

PETA has been in the news recently for picketing Michael Vick and anything that has to do with him. They picket the NFL offices and the Atlanta Falcons' training facilities for not suspending Vick without pay or cutting him outright. They called and bothered all the companies whose products Vick endorses. They came down to the courthouse for Vick's arraignment hearing and picketed. But Michael Vick hasn't been convicted of anything. When they started up, he hadn't even been indicted yet. Why are they hating?

Well, as it turns out, PETA is a bunch of hypocrites who kill animals on a far grander scale than any dog-fighting operation. In my last post, there's a link to a website, http://www.petakillsanimals.com/, that details pretty much everything you'd want to know about the REAL PETA. It talks about their links to organizations that the FBI has deemed "terrorist," it talks about how some of PETA's membership has advocated breaking the law to reach its goals, and it posts a statement from PETA's founder, Ingrid Newkirk, where she claims that even if animal research found a cure for AIDS, they still wouldn't support it.

Yeah, these are the lunatics we're dealing with here.

But, because the majority of us are actual, productive members of society (except me, because I've got the time to sit here and write this), we can't go out to everywhere that PETA is picketing and match them person for person, and dollar for dollar. Not without losing our jobs, anyway.

What we can do is this: At the PETA Kills Animals website, there is a link to sign an online petition to have PETA's tax exempt status revoked. I don't know if stuff like that actually works, and to be honest, I've never seen it work in the past. But it's something. Maybe the world will shock us and actually revoke their status. I don't know. But it's worth trying. Personally, I'm tired of people like this going out and throwing paint on people for wearing fur or burning down research labratories.

The link is at the bottom of this page.

Go to hell, PETA.

http://www.petakillsanimals.com/article_detail.cfm?article=154

PETA Kills Far More Animals Than Michael Vick

Upon reading this, my blood pressure shot up a few points. As if I needed another reason to hate the PETA people. They spend all their time pissing people off instead of going to work or championing a cause that someone capable of conscious thought would benefit from. If I know anyone personally who supports PETA or is a PETA member, you would do well to never let me find out about it, because we're going to argue and you're probably going to go home in tears. Probably right after I tell you that I drink the blood of puppies or that I like to tear the feathers off of endangered birds. Not that any of that's true, but really...I'd do anything to get under one of these assholes' skin.

Fuck you, PETA. And that's from the heart.

TM

PETA Kills Far More Animals than Michael Vick

(7/20/07)

Body Count For Animal “Rights” Group Reaches 14,479; Group Has Walk-In Freezer For Dead Puppies

WASHINGTON -- While People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protests the National Football League today over Michael Vick’s dog-fighting indictment, the animal “rights” group is ignoring its own sordid puppy-killing operation, the Center for Consumer Freedom said today. Public records released by the State of Virginia show that PETA itself has killed 14,479 dogs and cats since 1998, including 90 percent of the animals it took in for “adoption” in 2005. And PETA is presently more than 3 months overdue to report its 2007 numbers.

“It’s astonishing but true,” said Center for Consumer Freedom Director of Research David Martosko. “PETA itself kills helpless, adoptable animals by the thousands out of sheer inconvenience. Why anyone continues to take this bunch of hypocrites seriously is beyond me.”

Documents relating to PETA’s massive animal-killing program can be found on the Internet at www.PETAkillsAnimals.com. In sworn testimony during the January 2007 animal-cruelty trial of two PETA employees, a PETA manager acknowledged that the organization has a walk-in freezer for the purpose of storing dead pets. She also acknowledged that PETA contracts with a Norfolk-area crematory service to dispose of the dead bodies, which measure over a ton each month.

Martosko continued: “PETA's president acknowledges that her group could ‘become a no-kill shelter overnight.’ But that would mean the group could no longer afford to spend millions of dollars on cheap publicity stunts, to say nothing of harassing pet food companies, restaurants, and medical researchers.”

Another PETA employee faces grand larceny charges in southern Virginia, related to the alleged 2006 theft of a hunting dog and its radio-tracking collar. PETA has not yet indicated whether the dog in question was slated to be put to death.

Start D.J. Shockley Now

There are two positives that can come out of the Michael Vick case. One, no one anywhere in this country will be able to claim that they didn’t know that dogfighting was illegal. And two, D.J. Shockley might make it onto the field.

Thanks to Michael Vick shooting himself in the foot, then reloading and shooting all of the Falcons in their feet, he (along with the Matt Schaub trade) has cleared the way for the team to one day be able to announce that their starting quarterback is D.J. Shockley. If the reports are true that the Falcons will cut Vick, then Shockley is the next best hope that we have here. I refuse to put my hopes in the hands of “The Detroit Loser” Joey Harrington.

That nickname doesn’t work for you? How about Joey “Butterfingers” Harrington? “Snapperhead?”

Having seen Harrington play in regular season games and fail miserably, and having seen D.J. Shockley excel in preseason games, I’d say at this point that Shockley has more of a chance at getting this team where it wants to be than Harrington. Plus, he’s a local hero, having played at Georgia. I’m sure the Falcons fans would rather have Shockley in there, too. He’s a capable quarterback who can run like Michael Vick. He’s like a shorter Vince Young.

So instead of giving Harrington the chance to lead this team straight into the crapper, and possibly playing Shockley anyway, after the team has been eliminated from playoff contention, why not just start Shockley at the outset and give us something to cheer for? At the very least, the positive story of a local star leading his hometown Falcons might offset some of the negativity that the Vick story has brought on.

Personally, I hope that Vick beats his charges and is allowed to come back and play for the Falcons. When he’s on his game, he is the most exciting player I have ever seen, hands down. To compare the excitement that Vick could bring to a game, you have to go to other sports. He can be that good. But in the event that he can’t ever come back, why not start the next best thing?

The D.J. Shockley campaign starts here. Everyone else, get in line.

Genarlow's life is in the hands of the retarded

A lot of people who are smarter than I am have commented on Genarlow Wilson's situation. They've used a very sensible and logical argument to try to convince lawmakers and the public at large that Genarlow not only should have his sentence reduced, but be released outright. All that it's gotten Genarlow is the jailhouse equivalent of a cocktease. Now he's sitting in a blue-ball jail cell, still waiting for his "release."

There is a nice way to handle this situation, but the time for being nice about it has passed, since the powers that be don't want to use common sense. So for anyone who doesn't believe that this man shouldn't be in jail, let me break it down for you like this: You fucking moron, you have no logical reason for why Genarlow Wilson is in jail. I shouldn't have to remind you of that. The "jail" part, not the "fucking moron" part. You're probably reminded of the "fucking moron" part every time you get caught trying to breathe underwater or trying to parachute off your roof.

I don't like to resort to name-calling, but you leave me no choice. You people are stupid as hell. I'm sure you were 17 once, and you probably had your eye on some 15 year old girl once. I know I did. And I would have had sex with her, but in my case, it probably would have been a crime, because she didn't like me. If you ever have been, or will be in the future, a 17 year old (or 16) anything who had sex with a 15 year old anything (or even 13 or 14), and you think Genarlow Wilson should be in jail right now, I'm gonna need you to report to your local jail and knock out your 10 years, so you can stop being a hypocrite.

Can someone explain to me how a 17 year old and a 15 year old having sex is a crime? Please tell me, because we all know I'm not that smart. Apparently, the legal age of consent in Georgia is 16, so in the eyes of the law, Genarlow Wilson was a man. Except that he couldn't vote. Or join any branch of the military. Or rent an apartment. Or buy cigarettes. Or buy porn. Or really, do anything that required an actual adult's consent.

What kind of sense does that even make? Genarlow Wilson, at the age of 17, was considered a man, except in all of the ways that matter. But when it comes to boning a girl two years younger than he was, though, he's clearly an adult. That last part was sarcasm, because anyone who would make that statement in a serious fashion has probably spent too much time drinking in the sun, or is bleeding from the top of their head.

I don't care what the law says, because if I knew I was going to get sent to jail for having sex with my peer, who sat a couple of seats over from me in class, I would have never spent all that time trying to get into her pants. Seriously, how many adults do you know that are still in high school? And please don't paint this girl as some sort of delicate flower who needs to be protected from the cold, cruel world. That girl knows how to suck dick, and I don't need to tell the men out there how hard that is to find. Clearly, she wasn't new to this.

The level of stupidity required to even file charges against Genarlow Wilson is pretty high. He was charged with rape and aggravated child molestation. The jury that convicted him of aggravated child molestation must be just completely fucking insane, because she sucked HIS dick. But don't feel bad, police, judges, and jury, because you only went a long way to further racial tensions in this state.

So how do we make this right? Let the boy out. It's just that simple. If he committed any crime at all, it was going to high school in a state where government officials like to drink lead-based paint in their spare time. When you interpret the law, there has to be some common sense application. When a law is written, there is a certain element that is intended to be affected. Should someone be caught up in that law's wake, but really didn't do anything, they should be let go. When the law is changed, because you realized you fucked up, you should be bending over backwards to do right by people who were unjustly imprisoned by that law. You don't reduce his sentence, you don't make it a misdemeanor. You let him out, no strings attached. Last time I checked, two kids fooling around wasn't against the law.

TM

PETA and the NFL

PETA, be forewarned. You can picket the NFL offices. You can picket NFL games. You can picket the Falcons, Home Depot, whoever. You may or may not have any progress. Just don't step in the face of any football fans. You will get your wig split. Personally, I can't wait to hear about it. "Housewife gets a fat lip for spilling football fan's beer; Pet lover gets reamed by own picket sign for being a pain."

If PETA would put this much effort into something productive, the world might not be in the state its in right now. Imagine if that many people bothered the government over something like, education or homelessness. Not to say that animal protection isn't a worthy cause, just not more important than something that involves bettering the lives of humans, like reducing emissions.

I don't want to hate PETA, but when they're being bothersome like they are right now, it's hard to support them. Whenever they get up in arms about something, all I can do is just roll my eyes and say, "oh, God, what now?"

Yeah, their methods are effective, but look at who they go after. Corporations, who tend to not have any backbone whatsoever. They're just following the money, whether they are right or wrong on the issue. They don't want to be on the side of the issue that's likely to upset the person who will create the biggest stink, so they'll fold everytime.

When corporations pull out, then it's pretty much over after that. But you're staring down the NFL, the most popular sport in America. I can't see the NFL getting punked by PETA, because who the f*** is PETA? No one's going to pull out of doing business with the NFL, because no one's going to stop watching NFL games because PETA is picketing. It's football. The corporations know this, and most importantly, the NFL knows this. The football fan and the PETA person have two different mindsets, a lot of the time. I know that there's some overlap, but the NFL is going to do whatever it's going to do, regardless of whether or not a bunch of hippies are outside yelling at the building. Don't any of you have jobs? I guess not, because you're standing outside the NFL offices at 10 in the morning, yelling at a brick wall, knowing you'll be tasered if you come inside.

Why aren't you picketing Bush? At least that's a fool's errand that I can get behind.

Things that need to make a comeback

Actual rappers, the finger roll, Reagan-era Saturday morning cartoons, Kung-fu Theater, playoff fouls, pro sports rivalries, The Rock, imaginative breakfast cereals, movies like “the Karate Kid,” 80’s style action movies, musicians on the radio, the fashion of not wearing gold in your mouth, the end zone celebration, cartoons that shamelessly hawk toy lines, cars that are made of steel, getting a whooping, neighborhood fist fights, good parenting, inspirational black leaders, graphic adventure games, soundtrack singles that are about the movie, basketball shorts that stop above the knee, wrestlers who don’t make me feel ashamed to watch this crap, Emmanuelle, porn with storylines, Mafia control of Las Vegas, the smelly kid, stadiums without corporate branding, heavyweight boxing, hip-hop before it became “big business,” Marv Albert and the NBA on NBC, You Can’t Do That on Television, making up games, staying outside all day, but having to be home before the streetlights come on, wearing your pants on your waist, the muscle gut, Crystal Pepsi, Animaniacs, afterschool specials, Schoolhouse Rock, funny Super Bowl commercials, common sense, Dave Chappelle, male R & B groups, female R & B groups, rock bands that could kick your ass, basketball players who know how to shoot, the dominant center, the importance of an Olympic gold medal, 50 cent comic books, penny candy, gas that costs less than $1.50, Michael Jackson’s nose, Disney musicals, tag team wrestling, self-effacing rappers, The Boondocks, Guns ‘N Roses, Van Halen, pinball machines, hanging out at the arcade, wrestling managers, power ballads, that song from “Dirty Dancing,” the R-rated comedy, and primetime Charlie Brown specials.

Soccer? No, seriously...soccer?

I don’t know if it’s because it’s summer and there’s nothing else on, but I’m actually starting to get into soccer.

I don’t know any of the players, teams, or even positions, but there’s something appealing about this stuff. I sat down and watched it during the World Cup last summer, and saw the passion that fans had for the game. There’s so much history here, so many blood rivalries, so many examples where the teams are culturally intertwined with the fans. You just don’t see that in American sports. The closest example we have is college football, maybe even some college basketball. In pro sports, the last bastion of hatred even coming close to this was the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, and that died the second Johnny Damon turned to the Dark Side.

And that’s just part of the appeal of soccer, the promise of a full-scale South Park riot breaking out in the stands. But there’s a slow build of excitement here that you don’t really see in the other sports. You would see it in hockey, but we Americans (and Canadians) are too easily distracted by slamming each other into the boards and whacking people across the throat with their hockey sticks. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out! HEY-OOO!!!

But in this era where Arena football, and it’s “non-existent, not even by accident” defense, is becoming more popular by the second, and the NBA is training its players to play ball without ever knowing the joy of being shoulder blocked into the floor (it’s FANtastic!), it’s refreshing to see a sport where the outcome is hinges on actually stopping the man with the ball. Not only do the players have to stop him, they can kick him in the shin.

In that sense, it’s like football, where the players are very physical with each other, but it’s understood that it’s part of the game. Not like basketball, where players today get mad at their teammates for slapping them on the backside. People joke about soccer players flopping and whining and what not, but these are some tough men, because I know I couldn’t play a game where getting kicked dead in the face is a distinct possibility.

Besides the physicality of the sport, and the actual defense that’s being played, I find myself actually becoming enthralled by these low-scoring offenses. It’s like a chess-match in the sense that you’ll never see one player just come in and score goal after goal unless the chess player on the other side of the board doesn’t even know that the horsey-thing only goes in the L-shape.

In this game, it’s all about formations, angles, positioning, and trying to find a weakness in the defense. And just because you get all the way downfield doesn’t mean you’ll get a shot at the goal. Can you imagine if Lebron James kept getting into the paint but never got a shot off? For one, the Cavs would never, ever, win a game, but also, that means we’d have to settle for him taking those fadeaway threes.

But once that goal is scored…I don’t know what it is, but watching two goals being scored by a team that you’re pulling for is more exciting than watching Barry Bonds hit home runs, mainly because he’s doing the exact same thing every time, with no deviation. But goal scoring is still pretty exciting. I was watching the MLS All-Stars/Celtic FC match, until the Daily Show came on and I started writing this, but when the MLS All-Stars scored its two goals, I was cheering in here, even though I don’t know a single player on the team. All I know is that the MLS players play in America and Celtic FC is awfully close to “Boston Celtics.” Those Irish bastards are going DOWN!

It’s just something inherent in the game, I guess. I don’t know what it is, but to compare, I love basketball, but I can’t watch college basketball with schools that I’m not familiar with. I like football, but I find it harder to watch entire football games when one of the teams isn’t either Atlanta or Philadelphia. I would say something positive about baseball, but I would be lying. But, I can watch perfect strangers play a game that’s completely alien to me, and enjoy the crap out of myself. I couldn’t tell you what it is.

All I can really say about it is, soccer is gaining momentum here, with all it’s low scoring, diva acting, Beckham-mania. Anyone who likes a good competitive game of…something…should check out a soccer match sometime. It’s certainly better than watching the WNBA or the World Series of Poker, or Heaven forbid, competitive eating. I think it’s a safe bet to say that you’ll enjoy yourself watching an exciting match of soccer than watching some slob try to eat 40 hot dogs faster than the next slob. I gotta tell ya, something’s wrong with this country when one of the seven deadly sins has become an actual sport. It’s not quite as dumb as the “Rock, Paper, Scissors” championship, though. I wish to Allah that I was making that up.

Go MLS.

Am I ready for the Vick Era to end?

Michael Vick’s days in the NFL could be numbered. I don’t know how I feel about it.

I know I’ve said my share of things against Michael Vick. He’s given me a lot of ammo to do it, both on and off the field. But I always held out hope that he’d get it all together. I’ve never written him off. I’ve never said that he should be cut or traded (unless it was a swap for Donovan McNabb, my favorite player. Can’t fault me for that). Now, it’s starting to seem like he’s never going to get the chance to live up to the potential, mainly because he can’t stop screwing his life up.

It frustrates me as a fan, because here is a guy who has the world in his hand. This man was the first pick in the 2001 NFL Draft. He signed a $110 million dollar contract with the Atlanta Falcons. He’s arguably the most exciting player to watch in the NFL. He’s got his own shoe from Nike. He plays the glamour position in the most popular sport in the country. He’s a starting NFL quarterback. A lot of people would stomp on their mother to live his life.

But that’s just not good enough, because this guy can’t stop being a knucklehead. And admittedly, flicking off the fans or that water bottle thing, they weren’t that bad. The Ron Mexico situation was more of a joke than anything else. Everything else that Michael Vick had done to this point really wasn’t that bad. Except for the girl he burned, he hadn’t really been out hurting people. He was just doing stupid things, things that would have blown over with time.

But this…the dog-fighting thing, it’s a serious charge. This is a felony and a federal case. And if there’s evidence against him, he’s likely going to jail. And now, all those “little things” that he had done just help paint the portrait of a man who doesn’t deserve the blessings he’s been given. His critics are louder than ever, and in the face of his indictment, it’s impossible to defend Vick. All his supporters have left is, “let’s wait until the facts come in.” His supporters sound like his lawyer during a press conference. “I am confident that when all the facts are revealed, Mr. Vick’s good name will be vindicated.”

And where does that leave me? I have been a harsh critic of Michael Vick, both on and off the field, mainly because it’s hard for me to tolerate knuckleheads. But, I want to support him and I did, even in the face of his little indiscretions. When I’d tear him down (which I did, often…he should have been benched at times last year), I never completely closed the door on him, because when he’s on, he’s been unstoppable. I’ve always believed that he could be better than what he’s shown us. I know it probably never came out in anything I wrote, but in personal discussions with people, I defended him when I could. I mean, it’s like the Republicans do with Bush. “Well…he’s our president.”

I guess what it all boils down to is, I don’t want to see him go down like this. Regardless of if he’s cut or traded (a distinct possibility), I just don’t want to see him in handcuffs, on his way to jail. It must be a black thing, because when white players get arrested, I never have a conflict of emotions. Speaking of black and white, I’m sure the white folks in Atlanta are ecstatic, because they’ve wanted to be rid of Vick for the last three years.

I liked Matt Schaub, too, but the fact is Michael Vick’s presence has brought more excitement to Atlanta than any other football player, ever. He is Atlanta’s first football megastar and his tenure in Atlanta is probably the only time that Atlanta has ever been viewed as having a consistently good team. There have been winning seasons in the past, and the Falcons even went to a Super Bowl before Vick. But the Falcons have never been able to shake the label of being a sorry team, even amongst football fans…until Michael Vick came to town. He’s the kind of player that gives Falcons fans a reason to hope for a championship.

And now, it could all be over.

Of course, I don’t wholeheartedly believe that Vick will wind up in jail. I’m sure a deal will be made where someone else will take the fall for him, and they’ll be paid handsomely when they get out of jail. No sense in taking the meal ticket down. What else did you have to do, deadbeat cousin of Michael Vick? It worked for Greg Anderson and Barry Bonds. I know in my heart that there’s $4 million that Bonds is holding for Anderson once he gets out of jail. What’s your price, cousin?

The Follow Up To My Transformers Review

I've never done this before. I've never felt the need to actually respond to comments I've received about something I've written. Maybe I went a little bit too far. Maybe I should...

Nope. I'm not taking none of it back. This movie sucked.

I don't know what cartoons in the 80's has to do with anything. We're not talking about the cartoon. We're talking about the movie. But since cartoons were brought up, every cartoon has episodes where the title character isn't the focus. I wasn't paying nine bucks to watch them, either.

And since black characters in cartoons were brought up, I was never big on them, either. Jazz in the show never embarrassed me. Roadblock did. And Jazz in the movie made me roll my eyes. I'm glad he died. But just because the cartoon did it makes it okay for the movie do it almost 25 years later?

I never brought up dialogue outside of one line delivered by Prime. But since it was brought up, just because the dialogue on the cartoon wasn't that good, doesn't excuse the movie from having corny dialogue in any way, shape, or form. No one spent $200 million on an episode of Transformers.

I never said I expected this movie to be like the cartoon. There isn't a person in this life or the next who has ever heard me say that or express this sentiment. I always knew it wasn't going to be like the cartoon. And I went into the theater with low expectations. It's just always sad when you even your lowered expectations are exceeded.

I never said anything about Transformer names not making sense. I just never liked that Bumblebee wasn't a Volkswagen, and allegedly, that one wasn't Michael Bay's fault. Score one for him.

Regarding the Autobots being completely useless: Man, it's a two-and-a-half hour movie. I don't have time for Prime to learn how to man-up and fight his sworn enemies. He's been at it for a million years. If he can't get it now, he's never gonna get it.

Regarding what Michael Bay wanted to show in this movie: I already saw Armageddon. I already know how he thinks the U.S. Government would react to a threat from outer space. He just threw some Independence Day in there for good measure.

Someone tell me this...was ANYTHING that was going on with the Army, Sector Seven, the hot chick (she was okay), the hacker, and the other computer people even necessary? No, for real...that was integral to the story?

I have to admit, there were a couple of moments in this movie that gave me goosebumps. I think all of them were during times when Prime was talking. There were a couple of moments here and there that were pretty exciting. But when they're spaced out by things like the guided tour around the SECRET FACILITY or some half-assed love story or finding out if Tyrese and Johnny Knoxville are going to get to where they're going, I was yelling at the screen "GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!" Seriously...I don't care. Outside of Sam himself, there wasn't a single human being in this movie that they couldn't do without and I will argue with anyone on that point. Now, if you were able to look past that...fine. But for me, I paid nine bucks to see giant robots. I know I've said that a lot, but that's my problem with this movie. I didn't get what I paid to see.

There's nothing I said where I complained about changing the mythos of the cartoon or comic book. Say what you want...the movie got judged on its own merits. In fact, everyone else did all the nitpicking about the cartoon. I mentioned the cartoon one time, and that was when talking about Bumblebee. And even that is minor, because he could have been a Volkswagen with Mr. Fusion powered time-circuits, wings, and a horn that's powered by love and happiness, and the movie still wouldn't have been good.

I don't dislike things because they're not like the source material...except for Resident Evil, because they didn't even try. They could have called that movie Speed Hyper Death Kill Zombie Ultramix 4 and you would have never known the difference. But the thing is, just put a good movie out there. I thought Spider-Man was a good movie. The first time I saw X-Men, I thought it was good. Batman Begins was flat out awesome. I watch Smallville religiously. Teen Titans was one of the best comic related cartoons ever. And none of those things is completely true to the source material. But what they are is well written. They didn't make me want to leave the theater (or change the channel) when there wasn't something exploding on screen. Transformers can't say that.

Overall, it was like being on Jackass. Yeah, you get brief moments of fame and a little bit of money...but look at what you had to go through to get there. If you had completed the 7th grade like your mother said, you wouldn't have to swim in raw sewage to pay your rent.

Oh, and Shia LeBeouf was great. I can't wait to see him in something that's actually good.

10,000 Losses?

Baseball's Philadelphia Phillies have lost their 10,000th game. They lost 10-2 at home to the St. Louis Cardinals. While it is funny to see a franchise lose that many games, too much is being made of this. It's not like the current team has lost 10,000 games, although as bad as they've been over the last few years, they're certainly capable of doing it.

What's funny to me is that they kind of had a mini-rally when they reached 9,999 losses. Where was that rally when they were at 9,000? Or even 9,500? Like they were going to be able to stave off loss number 10,000 forever with an infinity-game winning streak.

But let's put this in perspective. Baseball currently plays an 162 game season, the longest season in pro sports. I do believe since the 1900s, they've always played over 100 games in a season, and this particular team has been in existence since 1883. The dust from the Civil War was still settling in 1883.

So let's take it easy on the Philadelphia Phillies. After all, it's just a matter of time before the Braves (next in line at 9,681) reach that milestone, and I truly don't want to try and defend 10,000 losses for the Braves.

The Other Side of Ron Artest is Still Crazy

Ron Artest is asking you to recognize his other side. You know, the one that isn't insane.

First, I didn't know he had a non-insane side. I always thought that he was just varying degrees of crazy. You know, Monday...half-nuts. Tuesday...three quarters gone. Wednesday...bat-shit crazy. And second, his other side isn't nearly as entertaining. Sure, it's heartwarming to hear about his humanitarian efforts in Kenya, but with the precedent he's set, I'm waiting to hear about him punching out David Stern in his office, ripping off his own pants and jumping out the window. I think it's a safe bet that this will one day happen.

And that's what Ron Artest doesn't seem to understand here. It's not like we don't want him to be a better person. As many jokes as I (and other hack writers) get out his unabashed insanity, I can honestly say that I would like to see Ron Artest stop being crazy. There's plenty of other athletes that I can make fun of, like Pacman Jones. And I don't need him to be insane to talk bad about him. His game provides enough holes for me to do that.

But if he wants us to recognize this "better person" that he's trying to push off on us, he's got to stop doing things like punching his wife (allegedly) or promoting his album while trying to appeal a 73-game suspension. You know, using common sense in life. Stop saying the first thing that comes to your mind (like "maybe the team will be better off if they traded me," or "please recognize the other side of Ron Artest"). Stop talking about how you're going to retire at season's end EVERY YEAR. If you truly are a "better person," you shouldn't have to tell us. All you have to do is not appear in the police blotter and stop saying dumb stuff.

You don't ever hear O.J. saying "Please recognize the other side of O.J. Simpson." You know why? Because no one listens to people that they still believe are murderers. He might as well be saying, "America, I've done more things than just allegedly kill my wife. Let's look at that other stuff instead." Think about that, Ron Artest. We know you've done more than just run into the stands and throw punches at people. We know you've got charities and things that you're involved in. But you don't wind up in the news for the other things, or heaven forbid, your actual job. It's always something negative. It's not that we don't want to recognize the other side. We're just more familiar with the one wearing a straight-jacket.

Welcome to America, David Beckham

David Beckham was introduced as a member of MLS’ LA Galaxy and the sports world (as well as the paparazzi) was in a flurry. Despite the fact that this is most publicity that Major League Soccer has received in its existence, there are those who have been complaining about the attention and the money that Mr. Beckham has been receiving. In the world where sportswriters actually get paid, this shouldn’t be that big of a shocker.

Apparently, it’s something of a problem that MLS is going to pay a 31 year old David Beckham to come over here and try to boost interest in soccer. According to the sportswriters, it’s akin to paying a 97 year old Michael Jordan eleventy trillion dollars to get out of his coffin and save basketball.

They say he’s past his prime in soccer years and that he’s not even the best soccer player out there. They complain that all this will become is a photo-op for all the tabloids featuring Beckham and his wife, Posh Spice, who are the international equivalent of Bennifer or Tony Parker and Eva Longoria and already, the circus surrounding Beckham’s arrival has nothing to do with soccer. These are the reason why these guys are sportswriters and not running sports franchises. This is why no one listens to you, ever.

MLS is in the sports and entertainment business, so the first rule is to get people to look at it, and that’s exactly what they’ve done. The attention surrounding David Beckham in the months since they’ve announced that he was coming has already boosted interest in their product. The time that the sportswriters spent complaining about the Beckham deal has actually worked in MLS’ favor, because good or bad, they’re talking about MLS. And in entertainment, we all know that any press is good press. Unless there’s child pornography involved.

I’ve watched MLS before (once). I’m not a soccer fan, but I know bad soccer when I see it. And whatever the Chicago Fire was doing on Wednesday night was horrible. No one is going to watch that on a regular basis and MLS knows that. So what would the sportswriters of America have them do? What would their grand solution be? You’re going to have to go after international stars at some point and you’re going to have to pay them large amounts of money. You’re going to have big press conferences. So what if David Beckham is 31 and he’s not the best? The attention that he’s brought them in the last week has raised their profile more than anything else that’s happened to them, ever. And they didn’t even have to resort to planting kiddie porn on one of their players.

The reaction from sportswriters proves how short sighted they are. David Beckham is only the first. They’ll bring over more players from other, better, countries and as a result, our players will get better. Will soccer ever become the top sport in this country? Most likely not, but that’s not the point, either. They’d be happy with reaching profitability and having their players not embarrass themselves on the international stage would be enough. And with players of David Beckham’s caliber making the trek over here, those things are closer to actually happening then they would have been by listening to the advice of the guys on “Around the Horn.”