The other night, DeAndre Jordan brought down a lob pass on top of Brandon Knight, and Twitter went ape shit. I didn't see it, because I was unconscious, like other old men who can no longer stay up past nine. But the next morning, I read all of the tweets from the night before, with Bomani Jones most notably holding forth about about impressive the dunk was.
So, I pulled it up. I figured it had to be amazing, right? Yea, verily; t'would be the nastiest dunk mine eyes had ever gazed upon and bards would sing it's praises for ages. After all, the cats on Twitter spent all night photoshopping Brandon Knight laid out beside Manny Pacquiao, with Simba trying to wake them up. Twitter had declared Knight dead. I caught a picture of DeAndre Jordan grimacing at what he'd done. Even he looked impressed. I was so ready to watch this video.
And I swear, y'all are too easily impressed these days.
It was a nice little dunk, but it wasn't worth all of that. Maybe my standards are too high, but a seven-footer dunking over at 6'2" point guard might as well have been Blake Griffin jumping over that car. I had a short Twitter exchange with Myth (author of Shadow Precinct, available on Amazon), and he said about Knight, "You thought you was about to block that shit?" And that's my point. He was never going to block that shit, not without cheating. Maybe if he pantsed Jordan or started making out with his girl in the stands or something like that. But that's about it. Otherwise, Jordan did what he was supposed to do, like how I used to jump over my cousins back before they were fully coordinated and I wasn't fat. There was only one way that it could have gone down. So what was so impressive about that?
I'mma need for DeAndre Jordan to go up over someone roughly his size, like Shaq over the majority of centers in the NBA in the 1990s. Otherwise, it's just bullying. And it's not Jordan's fault. What was he supposed to do, finger roll it because Brandon Knight didn't drink enough milk as a child? No, Jordan did what big men do; yam it over the faerie folk who shouldn't be in the paint to begin with. But folks were trying to gas up his head like he did something and he didn't. If that counts as an accomplishment, then so does that time I dominated all those 8th graders. Stop crying, Charlie's little brother. Shoving you after my crossover is part of the game.
and even though it says more about Detroit's defense than anything else, Brandon Knight did what he was supposed to do: He challenged the shot, even though no one would have blamed him for letting that one ride, because, c'mon; he's 6'2". That's like being a preemie in NBA circles. No, he couldn't stop it, but he tried to make Jordan work for it. Anything could have happened. He might have slapped the ball away, Jordan could have tripped over his corpse; anything. But he tried, which is more than I can say for Andrew Bynum. Bynum would have been thinking about race cars, then blown out his knee imagining himself getting out of the car.
But let's not act like something routine is supposed to be a special moment. It was aiight, like Lebron hurdling John Lucas III in a world where Vince Carter already jumped over Frederic Weis. After all, John Lucas III is bite size. What makes the impressive dunks impressive is that the outcome is in doubt, or in some cases, weren't supposed to happen at all. Kevin Johnson over Hakeem Olajuwon. Russell Westbrook over Omer Asik. Michael Jordan over damn near everybody. You mean to tell me that what DeAndre did is on the same level as something like Shawn Kemp over Antoine Carr?
Get the fuck outta here.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Monday, March 04, 2013
Lebron James is on steroids. MAYBE.
Looks like Lebron James is on steroids. Maybe. Well, he's being linked to them. It was just a matter of time, because this NBA has escaped this drama for far too long.
This "suspicion" isn't because of some great leap in physical strength in Lebron. We all know he's looked like a 40 year old man since the tenth grade. So, let's not act like we can pinpoint an increase in head size like everyone did Barry Bonds. He doesn't run any faster or jump any higher, either. If you claim that this sort of stuff is proof against Lebron, you're basically spelling out your case for why you shouldn't be acknowledged.
Basically, Lebron was named in an interview with some ex-con who interviewed a chick who worked for a guy who's under investigation. She said that she dealt with some guy named "Mr. Phil," who picked up drugs for a guy named "LJ." Since no one knows if Larry Johnson has any friends at all, let alone any named Phil, she and the interviewer just assumed it was Lebron James, because his agent's last name IS Phil.
Still, this report doesn't surprise me at all. And it's not like I'm up on the ins and outs of steroids. Truthfully, I don't even care. The amount of money in my paycheck isn't going to change based on whether or not Lance Armstrong was loaded with bleach and horse piss when he was riding his bike. I am not so self-centered to believe that my not voting for Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire for the Hall of Fame somehow upholds the honor of fucking baseball. It's just something that happened to catch my attention, because of something I heard on a podcast.
Victor Conte was on the Joe Rogan Experience in October, and I learned more about what that crap does in those three hours than at any other time in my life. Victor Conte talked about what Lance Armstrong was likely taking and how he was getting away with it. We all know about the stuff that increases strength, and why baseball players and track stars would use it. Makes perfect sense. I never knew about the drugs that increase endurance, because like I said, I didn't care. I am not offended by the notion that professional athletes would cheat to win, because, of course they would. They're the most competitive people in the world. Michael Jordan cheated at goddamn checkers. So I never looked deeper into it.
The second Victor Conte mentioned drugs that increase endurance, drugs that change how the body processes oxygen, and all of that, the first person I thought of was Lebron James. Because that boy can run all day.
He isn't the first player to play whole games or do multiple things on the floor or play great offense and defense. Kobe Bryant does that. But Kobe Bryant has always paced himself. And Kobe Bryant has looked tired. Lebron James never seems to get tired. Ever. He barely even sweats some games. Meanwhile, it's nothing new to see him be the first man down the floor on defense, get a steal, outrun everyone on the break, then get back first on defense again to block a shot. He's everywhere. And he does it every night. In every quarter of the game. I've been watching basketball since the 80s, and I can't remember seeing anything like it.
It could be that he's just in great shape. It could be that he's an athletic marvel. Those things are possible, because he's been doing things that seem impossible since high school. For instance, at 6'8" and 260 pounds, he's one of the fastest guys in the league. Even with a basketball in hand. You have to go back to young Jason Kidd to see comparable speed with the basketball. But you never see speed like that in a guy that size. So, maybe his endurance is just another thing that makes him a freak of nature. I'm fully prepared to accept that.
But if it turns out to be drugs, I won't be surprised. I'll be more surprised that Maverick and them let their meal ticket get caught.
This "suspicion" isn't because of some great leap in physical strength in Lebron. We all know he's looked like a 40 year old man since the tenth grade. So, let's not act like we can pinpoint an increase in head size like everyone did Barry Bonds. He doesn't run any faster or jump any higher, either. If you claim that this sort of stuff is proof against Lebron, you're basically spelling out your case for why you shouldn't be acknowledged.
Basically, Lebron was named in an interview with some ex-con who interviewed a chick who worked for a guy who's under investigation. She said that she dealt with some guy named "Mr. Phil," who picked up drugs for a guy named "LJ." Since no one knows if Larry Johnson has any friends at all, let alone any named Phil, she and the interviewer just assumed it was Lebron James, because his agent's last name IS Phil.
Still, this report doesn't surprise me at all. And it's not like I'm up on the ins and outs of steroids. Truthfully, I don't even care. The amount of money in my paycheck isn't going to change based on whether or not Lance Armstrong was loaded with bleach and horse piss when he was riding his bike. I am not so self-centered to believe that my not voting for Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire for the Hall of Fame somehow upholds the honor of fucking baseball. It's just something that happened to catch my attention, because of something I heard on a podcast.
Victor Conte was on the Joe Rogan Experience in October, and I learned more about what that crap does in those three hours than at any other time in my life. Victor Conte talked about what Lance Armstrong was likely taking and how he was getting away with it. We all know about the stuff that increases strength, and why baseball players and track stars would use it. Makes perfect sense. I never knew about the drugs that increase endurance, because like I said, I didn't care. I am not offended by the notion that professional athletes would cheat to win, because, of course they would. They're the most competitive people in the world. Michael Jordan cheated at goddamn checkers. So I never looked deeper into it.
The second Victor Conte mentioned drugs that increase endurance, drugs that change how the body processes oxygen, and all of that, the first person I thought of was Lebron James. Because that boy can run all day.
He isn't the first player to play whole games or do multiple things on the floor or play great offense and defense. Kobe Bryant does that. But Kobe Bryant has always paced himself. And Kobe Bryant has looked tired. Lebron James never seems to get tired. Ever. He barely even sweats some games. Meanwhile, it's nothing new to see him be the first man down the floor on defense, get a steal, outrun everyone on the break, then get back first on defense again to block a shot. He's everywhere. And he does it every night. In every quarter of the game. I've been watching basketball since the 80s, and I can't remember seeing anything like it.
It could be that he's just in great shape. It could be that he's an athletic marvel. Those things are possible, because he's been doing things that seem impossible since high school. For instance, at 6'8" and 260 pounds, he's one of the fastest guys in the league. Even with a basketball in hand. You have to go back to young Jason Kidd to see comparable speed with the basketball. But you never see speed like that in a guy that size. So, maybe his endurance is just another thing that makes him a freak of nature. I'm fully prepared to accept that.
But if it turns out to be drugs, I won't be surprised. I'll be more surprised that Maverick and them let their meal ticket get caught.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Like we need another reason not to watch Congressional Hearings
If anybody out there watched any of the Congressional Hearings about Benghazi, well, first...that was the only thing you could think to watch? There wasn't a game show on or a rerun of SportsCenter? I watched for about twenty minutes, but I was at work, so I didn't have a choice. The only people who watched it by choice worked for CNN, because everyone else watching was either A:) a paraplegic waiting for the nurse to come back, or B:) in jail.
Because if the whole thing was anything like what I saw, then it was just an endless parade of Republicans yelling at Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Nothing of substance, just a bunch of angry white men grandstanding for their fawning cheerleaders over at Fox News. Who needs to see that? And what did it accomplish?
Well, one thing it did was humanize Hillary Clinton in my eyes. For 20 years, I just assumed she was a soulless husk with aspirations of political domination, and her time in the Senate or running for President did nothing to change that. But today, she choked up while reading her opening remarks. She was actually emotional about the deaths of other people. I can't even do that, which means she's actually more human than me. I think I might actually be a soulless husk.
The rest of it is stuff we already know, right? John McCain is crotchety, and everyone else was just acting for the cameras. If there was a worthwhile question being asked of Hillary, I missed it because it was buried under all of the fake moral outrage. Every question was delivered with the amount of disdain you'd have for a person that you were pissing on. Because that's always the best way to get a person to open up, right? And I really don't see how trying to pin her to the wall is helping America, anyway. She and I had the same thought: "What difference does it make?" It's just that my thought had the word "fucking" in it.
Really, how is showing her up going to make sure that it won't happen again? Sure, mistakes were made, and things probably could have been done differently, but I don't see how harping on the point that Hillary should have called over there to find out what was happening. Were the phones even up at that point? I mean, I don't know who that asshole was, but he was on CNN four hours later, still talking about it. As best I can tell, he didn't show up for any other reason than to ask that world-altering question. He could have spent the rest of his time in the bathroom and no one would have known the difference.
And all of this after it's pretty much been established that the Republicans cut funding for security, then blamed the State Department for being unprepared. That takes such balls. It's like all of the Republicans in Congress are Biff Tannen. They drunkenly wreck America's car, then blame it for not warning him about the blind spot. I wish my balls could be that big, so I could file for disability.
Really, can we just stop with the Congressional hearings? We all know they're just for spectacle at this point. For a group of people who are trying to de-fund the arts, they sure do seem to be into this particular taxpayer funded drama. Congressional hearings cost upwards of six figures every single time, and since they're wasting money anyway, the least they could do is add some entertainment value to go with all that acting. People always say that they want transparency in government, but when this stuff happens before the camera, you always get something like the farce that happened this afternoon, and that's on a good day. At worst, you might get some idiot congressman from Texas (probably Louie Gohmert) filibustering a vote on a bill that adds funding for school lunches for kids in his district. Back room deals might lead to cyanide in your kid's Gogurt, but at least they're getting something done. And they wonder why people hate government.
Because if the whole thing was anything like what I saw, then it was just an endless parade of Republicans yelling at Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Nothing of substance, just a bunch of angry white men grandstanding for their fawning cheerleaders over at Fox News. Who needs to see that? And what did it accomplish?
Well, one thing it did was humanize Hillary Clinton in my eyes. For 20 years, I just assumed she was a soulless husk with aspirations of political domination, and her time in the Senate or running for President did nothing to change that. But today, she choked up while reading her opening remarks. She was actually emotional about the deaths of other people. I can't even do that, which means she's actually more human than me. I think I might actually be a soulless husk.
The rest of it is stuff we already know, right? John McCain is crotchety, and everyone else was just acting for the cameras. If there was a worthwhile question being asked of Hillary, I missed it because it was buried under all of the fake moral outrage. Every question was delivered with the amount of disdain you'd have for a person that you were pissing on. Because that's always the best way to get a person to open up, right? And I really don't see how trying to pin her to the wall is helping America, anyway. She and I had the same thought: "What difference does it make?" It's just that my thought had the word "fucking" in it.
Really, how is showing her up going to make sure that it won't happen again? Sure, mistakes were made, and things probably could have been done differently, but I don't see how harping on the point that Hillary should have called over there to find out what was happening. Were the phones even up at that point? I mean, I don't know who that asshole was, but he was on CNN four hours later, still talking about it. As best I can tell, he didn't show up for any other reason than to ask that world-altering question. He could have spent the rest of his time in the bathroom and no one would have known the difference.
And all of this after it's pretty much been established that the Republicans cut funding for security, then blamed the State Department for being unprepared. That takes such balls. It's like all of the Republicans in Congress are Biff Tannen. They drunkenly wreck America's car, then blame it for not warning him about the blind spot. I wish my balls could be that big, so I could file for disability.
Really, can we just stop with the Congressional hearings? We all know they're just for spectacle at this point. For a group of people who are trying to de-fund the arts, they sure do seem to be into this particular taxpayer funded drama. Congressional hearings cost upwards of six figures every single time, and since they're wasting money anyway, the least they could do is add some entertainment value to go with all that acting. People always say that they want transparency in government, but when this stuff happens before the camera, you always get something like the farce that happened this afternoon, and that's on a good day. At worst, you might get some idiot congressman from Texas (probably Louie Gohmert) filibustering a vote on a bill that adds funding for school lunches for kids in his district. Back room deals might lead to cyanide in your kid's Gogurt, but at least they're getting something done. And they wonder why people hate government.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Why I don't believe Manti Te'o
I remember when I was in college and talking to all sorts of girls online. This is was the late 90s, when chat rooms were huge and the idea of being able to talk to people anywhere in the world still blew folks' minds. Anyone out there remember the Excite Chatrooms? Anyone?
God, I'm old.
Somewhere during that time, I met a girl named Kelly. I won't even bother to change her name. She'll probably never see this, and it probably wasn't her name, anyway. She hung out in the chatrooms like I did, and she became one of the girls I'd look for when I came on. She'd pretend to laugh at my jokes and we had long conversations about whatever that eventually led to us exchanging phone numbers. She would call me and we'd talk for hours. She was an elementary school teacher in Hattiesburg. And she was older than me, so naturally, I was interested.
The first red flag was when I tried to get her to exchange pictures with me. Yeah, this was 1999, and digital cameras and scanners were still rare, but I managed to get a picture of myself scanned so I could show off all this sexy online. It was my graduation picture from three years ago. Still within the acceptable time limits, because I still looked like that. I wasn't trying to pass off a picture from 60 pounds ago.
But for some reason, it took her moving heaven and earth to get me a picture. And when she did, it was small and blurry. But I was a horny 22 year old, so I didn't care as long as she sent it. I didn't even notice all the effort it took to get it.
After I deemed her acceptable (because that's what you do online, even if you're a fat slob poured into a desk chair), I wanted to meet. And this is where it all came clear to me. Now, she lives in Hattiesburg. I was up in Jackson. That's about an hour drive, if you have no regard for life or laws, like me. It's about an hour and a half for regular folk. Also, on this particular weekend, she claimed that she would be in Jackson to go shopping. I suggested we meet up and hang out. Nothing big. Just wanted to see each other in person. She said okay.
That Friday came and went without us seeing each other. She claimed that her friend was holding her up from leaving Hattiesburg, then when they finally did leave, her friend was keeping her from coming to see me, because she didn't want to shop. She wanted to see me. She just couldn't. I dunno, I could be confusing this with one of the other times I tried to meet up, and the universe conspired to keep us apart.
One time, I was in Hattiesburg, on my way home to Biloxi and I stopped to try and meet her. She just so happened to be in Jackson that day. Another time, she was stuck at a birthday party for some kid that wasn't hers. There was always a reason why we couldn't meet; a prior obligation, a surprise visit, a friend needing a favor. I would get frustrated, asking why she couldn't just tell these people "no." I would eventually see what was happening, because it was always something. Eventually, she just up and moved to Memphis. Then, she got married. Then, after I had moved to Atlanta, they moved to Biloxi. Then back to Hattiesburg. Years passed. She had kids. All the while, she continued wanting to talk to me, claiming that she wished that she could see me. By then, I had long since given up on ever meeting; I was just chatting with her out of habit. I had also figured out that she was hiding something.
Was she secretly a man, like that crossdresser who tried to pick me up outside of my dorm? Was she a fat chick who was using someone else's pictures, like that girl from New Jersey who claimed that her cousin had been using her email accounts? And no real person ever had luck so bad that something would always happen on the day that she was going to visit someone she claimed she wanted to see. I've had friends visit from New York and California, on the bus, and she can't get to Jackson from Hattiesburg?
I tell this story because the same stuff pops up in Manti Te'o's story. Every time he tried to arrange a meeting, some freak occurrence just popped up, because Hawaii is so big that people get lost going to the beach. Or whenever he tried to Skype with her, she would go, "Oops, my stupid lady fingers just can't make this stuff work! You're so smart, Manti." When someone doesn't want to meet you, these are the things that always happen. This went on for three years and he claims to have fallen in love with her. Oh, she just happened to have a horrific car accident, go into a coma, and die of leukemia in a matter of months? Please. No one is that stupid. No one.
Look, people do meet and fall in love online. It happens all the time, even when they haven't seen each other. People believe because they want to believe. I get it and it's wonderful. I was once that dude. I even get why someone would lie about an online relationship, because even with Don Knotts shilling for eHarmony, there's always going to be that person who thinks you're an antisocial shut-in because you dated someone you met online.
But no one is going to fall in love with a person they haven't seen whose life is such a mess that they can't even get Skype to work. Or who happens to vanish every single time you show up to meet them. And we live in a world where we know people are pretending online. In 1996, when I started getting online, it was a brand new world. Jokes about how the girl you're talking to could be a fat old man in Wisconsin were still funny. But Manti Te'o grew up in a world where this is all commonplace. It's no longer a secret. There are shows and movies about it. And he's a public figure, so he has to know that people are looking to take advantage of him in some way. Look, I was naive in 1999, the Internet Dark Ages, and I still figured it out. I refuse to believe Manti Te'o, star linebacker in 2013, was more naive than I was.
God, I'm old.
Somewhere during that time, I met a girl named Kelly. I won't even bother to change her name. She'll probably never see this, and it probably wasn't her name, anyway. She hung out in the chatrooms like I did, and she became one of the girls I'd look for when I came on. She'd pretend to laugh at my jokes and we had long conversations about whatever that eventually led to us exchanging phone numbers. She would call me and we'd talk for hours. She was an elementary school teacher in Hattiesburg. And she was older than me, so naturally, I was interested.
The first red flag was when I tried to get her to exchange pictures with me. Yeah, this was 1999, and digital cameras and scanners were still rare, but I managed to get a picture of myself scanned so I could show off all this sexy online. It was my graduation picture from three years ago. Still within the acceptable time limits, because I still looked like that. I wasn't trying to pass off a picture from 60 pounds ago.
But for some reason, it took her moving heaven and earth to get me a picture. And when she did, it was small and blurry. But I was a horny 22 year old, so I didn't care as long as she sent it. I didn't even notice all the effort it took to get it.
After I deemed her acceptable (because that's what you do online, even if you're a fat slob poured into a desk chair), I wanted to meet. And this is where it all came clear to me. Now, she lives in Hattiesburg. I was up in Jackson. That's about an hour drive, if you have no regard for life or laws, like me. It's about an hour and a half for regular folk. Also, on this particular weekend, she claimed that she would be in Jackson to go shopping. I suggested we meet up and hang out. Nothing big. Just wanted to see each other in person. She said okay.
That Friday came and went without us seeing each other. She claimed that her friend was holding her up from leaving Hattiesburg, then when they finally did leave, her friend was keeping her from coming to see me, because she didn't want to shop. She wanted to see me. She just couldn't. I dunno, I could be confusing this with one of the other times I tried to meet up, and the universe conspired to keep us apart.
One time, I was in Hattiesburg, on my way home to Biloxi and I stopped to try and meet her. She just so happened to be in Jackson that day. Another time, she was stuck at a birthday party for some kid that wasn't hers. There was always a reason why we couldn't meet; a prior obligation, a surprise visit, a friend needing a favor. I would get frustrated, asking why she couldn't just tell these people "no." I would eventually see what was happening, because it was always something. Eventually, she just up and moved to Memphis. Then, she got married. Then, after I had moved to Atlanta, they moved to Biloxi. Then back to Hattiesburg. Years passed. She had kids. All the while, she continued wanting to talk to me, claiming that she wished that she could see me. By then, I had long since given up on ever meeting; I was just chatting with her out of habit. I had also figured out that she was hiding something.
Was she secretly a man, like that crossdresser who tried to pick me up outside of my dorm? Was she a fat chick who was using someone else's pictures, like that girl from New Jersey who claimed that her cousin had been using her email accounts? And no real person ever had luck so bad that something would always happen on the day that she was going to visit someone she claimed she wanted to see. I've had friends visit from New York and California, on the bus, and she can't get to Jackson from Hattiesburg?
I tell this story because the same stuff pops up in Manti Te'o's story. Every time he tried to arrange a meeting, some freak occurrence just popped up, because Hawaii is so big that people get lost going to the beach. Or whenever he tried to Skype with her, she would go, "Oops, my stupid lady fingers just can't make this stuff work! You're so smart, Manti." When someone doesn't want to meet you, these are the things that always happen. This went on for three years and he claims to have fallen in love with her. Oh, she just happened to have a horrific car accident, go into a coma, and die of leukemia in a matter of months? Please. No one is that stupid. No one.
Look, people do meet and fall in love online. It happens all the time, even when they haven't seen each other. People believe because they want to believe. I get it and it's wonderful. I was once that dude. I even get why someone would lie about an online relationship, because even with Don Knotts shilling for eHarmony, there's always going to be that person who thinks you're an antisocial shut-in because you dated someone you met online.
But no one is going to fall in love with a person they haven't seen whose life is such a mess that they can't even get Skype to work. Or who happens to vanish every single time you show up to meet them. And we live in a world where we know people are pretending online. In 1996, when I started getting online, it was a brand new world. Jokes about how the girl you're talking to could be a fat old man in Wisconsin were still funny. But Manti Te'o grew up in a world where this is all commonplace. It's no longer a secret. There are shows and movies about it. And he's a public figure, so he has to know that people are looking to take advantage of him in some way. Look, I was naive in 1999, the Internet Dark Ages, and I still figured it out. I refuse to believe Manti Te'o, star linebacker in 2013, was more naive than I was.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Rob Parker is a goddamn idiot
Yes, it should come to no surprise to anyone that Rob Parker is a goddamn idiot. As ESPN's premier sad sack (he reminds me of Grady from Sanford and Son), I've dreaded seeing him on TV for years and have wondered why they keep bringing him back. I'd rather have a show with two Bill Plaschkes than one with Rob Parker. He's not funny, witty, or insightful; He really just keeps talking until someone smarter interrupts him.
And that's usually what happens, because it's not like he brings anything important to the conversation. But the day he wants to talk about the "cornball brother," that's the time Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith pick to be like, "No, wait, I want to hear this."
It was stupid and ignorant, but not for the reasons that many might think. White folks, I appreciate your sensitivity in this matter (Fantastic, I sound like Skip Bayless), but Rob Parker isn't a racist. At least, not against black folks. I dunno how he feels about white folks. If you feel he is, I'm not about to defend him, because fuck that guy. But his words came from a place that a lot of black people like me have had to deal with. Those of us who have dared to step away from the group know his mindset all too well.
When I was growing up, I was always put to the side because of how I spoke, how I liked to read, and the things I was into. I couldn't (and still can't) dance. I liked rock and heavy metal. I read comic books. I didn't dress the same as everyone else, I wasn't particularly into sports, The Color Purple, breakdancing, whatever. I did my own thing. And because of that, I was labeled as a "black/white kid," I was "corny," I was "lame." I had a hard time making friends with black kids because our mindsets were so different. So, a lot of my friends wound up being white and I stuck out, no matter who I was with
To white people, this might not be a big deal, but with black people, we all tended to fit into a similar mold. We were supposed to be united as a people, which is understandable, considering our history. Look, when you're a segregated people with limited educational options in a hostile nation, you're probably going to have similar interests.
It's something a lot of us deal with to this day. Dating outside the race aside, black Republicans know what it's like to be called a sell-out for having a different viewpoint. Black atheists don't even have the acceptance of black Republicans, because too many of us just assume that we're all Christians. It's still kind of strange to see black people even riding skateboards. Really, when it comes to black people who live outside the norm, crackheads and gay people rank higher than Republicans and atheists. Despite the best efforts of Pharrell and Lupe Fiasco, skateboards are still written off as "white folks shit," just like "having sex in scary movies," and "investigating where the noise is coming from."
So, Robert Griffin III isn't dealing with anything new. He's just of a higher profile. If he is different from the norm, it'll be a good thing, because as an athlete, he's already forcing change. He's free to do his thing, because it's not like someone's actually going to write him off as a "cornball." Not while he's rich and famous. So, if he's into something weird, it's more likely to be accepted, and that can only help some kid coming up who's feeling left out. In a post-RGIII world, that kid might not be cast aside as a lame or a cornball. People might be like, "Hey, RGIII does that, too," and give this kid a chance.
And regardless of what he's into, he's still gonna be black. He's just being his own man. And these days, it really doesn't matter. Tiger Woods' insatiable love of white women, proper speaking voice, or complete disavowal of his African roots didn't stop black folks from supporting him. And it's not like melanin washes off. What people like Rob Parker don't get is that, it doesn't matter what music we listen to or who we date or who we vote for. I might not be in the NAACP, but I'm just as black as the next man. I just happen to have on a "Ranger Danger" t-shirt.
Just because we have common roots doesn't mean we are all identical. It's not like we all have a direct line to the projects, where our blackness can be verified. I don't know a single person in the projects. But I'm still black. Cultures change, and whether or not our "blackness" meets Rob Parker's standards is irrelevant. When did a baseball writer become the arbiter for "blackness," anyway?
See, he's got me doing it, too. Such an asshole.
And that's usually what happens, because it's not like he brings anything important to the conversation. But the day he wants to talk about the "cornball brother," that's the time Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith pick to be like, "No, wait, I want to hear this."
It was stupid and ignorant, but not for the reasons that many might think. White folks, I appreciate your sensitivity in this matter (Fantastic, I sound like Skip Bayless), but Rob Parker isn't a racist. At least, not against black folks. I dunno how he feels about white folks. If you feel he is, I'm not about to defend him, because fuck that guy. But his words came from a place that a lot of black people like me have had to deal with. Those of us who have dared to step away from the group know his mindset all too well.
When I was growing up, I was always put to the side because of how I spoke, how I liked to read, and the things I was into. I couldn't (and still can't) dance. I liked rock and heavy metal. I read comic books. I didn't dress the same as everyone else, I wasn't particularly into sports, The Color Purple, breakdancing, whatever. I did my own thing. And because of that, I was labeled as a "black/white kid," I was "corny," I was "lame." I had a hard time making friends with black kids because our mindsets were so different. So, a lot of my friends wound up being white and I stuck out, no matter who I was with
To white people, this might not be a big deal, but with black people, we all tended to fit into a similar mold. We were supposed to be united as a people, which is understandable, considering our history. Look, when you're a segregated people with limited educational options in a hostile nation, you're probably going to have similar interests.
It's something a lot of us deal with to this day. Dating outside the race aside, black Republicans know what it's like to be called a sell-out for having a different viewpoint. Black atheists don't even have the acceptance of black Republicans, because too many of us just assume that we're all Christians. It's still kind of strange to see black people even riding skateboards. Really, when it comes to black people who live outside the norm, crackheads and gay people rank higher than Republicans and atheists. Despite the best efforts of Pharrell and Lupe Fiasco, skateboards are still written off as "white folks shit," just like "having sex in scary movies," and "investigating where the noise is coming from."
So, Robert Griffin III isn't dealing with anything new. He's just of a higher profile. If he is different from the norm, it'll be a good thing, because as an athlete, he's already forcing change. He's free to do his thing, because it's not like someone's actually going to write him off as a "cornball." Not while he's rich and famous. So, if he's into something weird, it's more likely to be accepted, and that can only help some kid coming up who's feeling left out. In a post-RGIII world, that kid might not be cast aside as a lame or a cornball. People might be like, "Hey, RGIII does that, too," and give this kid a chance.
And regardless of what he's into, he's still gonna be black. He's just being his own man. And these days, it really doesn't matter. Tiger Woods' insatiable love of white women, proper speaking voice, or complete disavowal of his African roots didn't stop black folks from supporting him. And it's not like melanin washes off. What people like Rob Parker don't get is that, it doesn't matter what music we listen to or who we date or who we vote for. I might not be in the NAACP, but I'm just as black as the next man. I just happen to have on a "Ranger Danger" t-shirt.
Just because we have common roots doesn't mean we are all identical. It's not like we all have a direct line to the projects, where our blackness can be verified. I don't know a single person in the projects. But I'm still black. Cultures change, and whether or not our "blackness" meets Rob Parker's standards is irrelevant. When did a baseball writer become the arbiter for "blackness," anyway?
See, he's got me doing it, too. Such an asshole.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Your good intentions aren't good enough
If
someone wishes you good tidings or happy feelings, it really shouldn't
matter what words they use. If it does, then you're a goddamn asshole.
This lady I had spoken with in Popeye's said to me before leaving, "Be blessed, beloved." She didn't know if I was a Christian or not (probably assumed I was, but whatever), but she took time out of her day to wish kindness upon me. I'm not a Christian, but I said back to her, "Same to you," because my mouth was full of food.
But if it hadn't been, I would have given that lady the business, because how dare she get her Jesusy words all over me? I get that she wanted to say something nice, but she should have said something that wouldn't offend my delicate, non-Christian sensibilities.
Hold up. I wouldn't have said anything like that, because I'm not a dick.
In this world we live in, though, people take offense at the stupidest things, and situations like this is one of them. Some people would actually be ready to throw down if someone gave them a Muslim greeting because they're not Muslim and they only accept kind words in their proper Christian form.
Who cares what package the sentiment comes in? They didn't have to say it at all. I really think some people would rather have a "fuck you, you fucking piece of shit," in English, than someone daring to speak kind words to them in Spanish or Arabic. That's how fucked up we've become.
And people are the worst around Christmastime, when stores break out the "Happy Holidays," and some asshole responds with a hostile, "Merry Christmas." It's like they're going, "I'll teach you to give me some secular holiday greeting, you tool of Satan. MERRY CHRISTMAS. Why haven't you burst into flames yet?"
I gotta tell you, if that's the battle you wanna fight, where everyone has to greet you in a form befitting your religious beliefs, then you might as well give up now, motherfucker, because this country is becoming more diverse everyday. Nobody has time to review your resume and tailor a personal greeting to you, based on what information turns up in your background check. All folks can do is say something based on what they know, and if that means you hear something that isn't what you already believe, then sack up and get on with your life. It's still a good intention, and that's gotta be worth something.
This lady I had spoken with in Popeye's said to me before leaving, "Be blessed, beloved." She didn't know if I was a Christian or not (probably assumed I was, but whatever), but she took time out of her day to wish kindness upon me. I'm not a Christian, but I said back to her, "Same to you," because my mouth was full of food.
But if it hadn't been, I would have given that lady the business, because how dare she get her Jesusy words all over me? I get that she wanted to say something nice, but she should have said something that wouldn't offend my delicate, non-Christian sensibilities.
Hold up. I wouldn't have said anything like that, because I'm not a dick.
In this world we live in, though, people take offense at the stupidest things, and situations like this is one of them. Some people would actually be ready to throw down if someone gave them a Muslim greeting because they're not Muslim and they only accept kind words in their proper Christian form.
Who cares what package the sentiment comes in? They didn't have to say it at all. I really think some people would rather have a "fuck you, you fucking piece of shit," in English, than someone daring to speak kind words to them in Spanish or Arabic. That's how fucked up we've become.
And people are the worst around Christmastime, when stores break out the "Happy Holidays," and some asshole responds with a hostile, "Merry Christmas." It's like they're going, "I'll teach you to give me some secular holiday greeting, you tool of Satan. MERRY CHRISTMAS. Why haven't you burst into flames yet?"
I gotta tell you, if that's the battle you wanna fight, where everyone has to greet you in a form befitting your religious beliefs, then you might as well give up now, motherfucker, because this country is becoming more diverse everyday. Nobody has time to review your resume and tailor a personal greeting to you, based on what information turns up in your background check. All folks can do is say something based on what they know, and if that means you hear something that isn't what you already believe, then sack up and get on with your life. It's still a good intention, and that's gotta be worth something.
Monday, March 05, 2012
100 Points Is Hard, Not Impossible
The sports writers of America have been asking themselves a question that's dumb as hell this week: Is it possible for anyone to ever score 100 points in a basketball game again?
The answer's obvious: Of course it's possible. And I know this because I understand what "impossible" means.
Flying is impossible. Running a 2 minute mile is impossible. Catching a meteor is impossible. If scoring 100 points in a basketball game was impossible, it wouldn't have happened the first time. Kobe Bryant's the proof that it'll happen again. Sure, he only scored 81 points in a game, right after scoring 60 points in three quarters just days before. But who gives a shit about that, right?
Thing is, Charles Barkley called Kobe's 81 "a perfect storm" right afterwards. I know many of the great mistakes we make in life start with quoting Charles Barkley, but he was right. And recreating that perfect storm happens more often than people think.
See, while Wilt's 100 and Kobe's 81 (and 60 in three quarters) are impressive, let's put this in perspective a little bit. Wilt was, and Kobe, is a supreme scoring machine. At the time, each of them was at his peak, and was putting up career high numbers. They were completely unstoppable. Players like this don't come along every day, but they do pop up from time to time. Michael Jordan was one. LeBron James could be one. Kevin Durant will likely be one. And who knows who's coming up in the world 10 or 15 years from now.
But while LeBron and Durant are talented enough, they're not selfish enough to pull something like that off. To score 100, you gotta be willing to say "fuck you" to your teammates for the night. That's what 100 (or 81) points is; a "fuck you" to team basketball. It doesn't matter what you see in front of you, you're jacking this bitch up. HARD. A LOT. Like the girl you've been after for years who finally says "yes." She, like this guy's jumper, is gonna have to dry all the way up before they stop.
But the other thing you need is to play against a shitty team. It's not like Wilt dropped that 100 in the playoffs. He did it on a random night in March. Against the Knicks. And not the Knicks when they were good. These Knicks went on to win 32 games that season, so it's not like he dropped 100 on a good team. I don't think they even had a guy above 6'9". And Kobe's 81? That happened against the Toronto Raptors. I can't even be bothered to look up their record, because they always suck.
The thing about shitty teams is that they're always plentiful, especially in this watered down league. Michael Jordan's Bobcats are 4-23 right now, and it seems like there's a team that's challenging for the futility record on a yearly basis. Unless the league contracts (and it never will, because David Stern pisses on your concerns of quality basketball), there will always be a team bad enough to have DJ Augustin as their best player.
That's the perfect storm right there. A team so bad that they couldn't stop Matt Bonner from getting 40 on a given night, against a player so unstoppable that the best anyone else was going to do was stop him from getting 60.
These sportswriters think it'll never happen, though. They say that no professional will ever allow that to happen. And I say that's crazy talk. One, you can never rule out the incompetence of a general manager to saddle a coach with crap players. For all you know, they're trying to pull a "Major League." Second, Sam Mitchell, coach of the Raptors when Kobe caused his team to consider retirement, said that they tried everything. He said they did everything that they could and it didn't matter. It's not like they wanted Kobe to drop 81 on them. He just did it. And there was only so much that they could do, because defensive rules today are softer than a second-string field goal kicker. I guess the sportswriters are banking on someone taking the scorer out with a steel chair during a timeout.
The answer's obvious: Of course it's possible. And I know this because I understand what "impossible" means.
Flying is impossible. Running a 2 minute mile is impossible. Catching a meteor is impossible. If scoring 100 points in a basketball game was impossible, it wouldn't have happened the first time. Kobe Bryant's the proof that it'll happen again. Sure, he only scored 81 points in a game, right after scoring 60 points in three quarters just days before. But who gives a shit about that, right?
Thing is, Charles Barkley called Kobe's 81 "a perfect storm" right afterwards. I know many of the great mistakes we make in life start with quoting Charles Barkley, but he was right. And recreating that perfect storm happens more often than people think.
See, while Wilt's 100 and Kobe's 81 (and 60 in three quarters) are impressive, let's put this in perspective a little bit. Wilt was, and Kobe, is a supreme scoring machine. At the time, each of them was at his peak, and was putting up career high numbers. They were completely unstoppable. Players like this don't come along every day, but they do pop up from time to time. Michael Jordan was one. LeBron James could be one. Kevin Durant will likely be one. And who knows who's coming up in the world 10 or 15 years from now.
But while LeBron and Durant are talented enough, they're not selfish enough to pull something like that off. To score 100, you gotta be willing to say "fuck you" to your teammates for the night. That's what 100 (or 81) points is; a "fuck you" to team basketball. It doesn't matter what you see in front of you, you're jacking this bitch up. HARD. A LOT. Like the girl you've been after for years who finally says "yes." She, like this guy's jumper, is gonna have to dry all the way up before they stop.
But the other thing you need is to play against a shitty team. It's not like Wilt dropped that 100 in the playoffs. He did it on a random night in March. Against the Knicks. And not the Knicks when they were good. These Knicks went on to win 32 games that season, so it's not like he dropped 100 on a good team. I don't think they even had a guy above 6'9". And Kobe's 81? That happened against the Toronto Raptors. I can't even be bothered to look up their record, because they always suck.
The thing about shitty teams is that they're always plentiful, especially in this watered down league. Michael Jordan's Bobcats are 4-23 right now, and it seems like there's a team that's challenging for the futility record on a yearly basis. Unless the league contracts (and it never will, because David Stern pisses on your concerns of quality basketball), there will always be a team bad enough to have DJ Augustin as their best player.
That's the perfect storm right there. A team so bad that they couldn't stop Matt Bonner from getting 40 on a given night, against a player so unstoppable that the best anyone else was going to do was stop him from getting 60.
These sportswriters think it'll never happen, though. They say that no professional will ever allow that to happen. And I say that's crazy talk. One, you can never rule out the incompetence of a general manager to saddle a coach with crap players. For all you know, they're trying to pull a "Major League." Second, Sam Mitchell, coach of the Raptors when Kobe caused his team to consider retirement, said that they tried everything. He said they did everything that they could and it didn't matter. It's not like they wanted Kobe to drop 81 on them. He just did it. And there was only so much that they could do, because defensive rules today are softer than a second-string field goal kicker. I guess the sportswriters are banking on someone taking the scorer out with a steel chair during a timeout.
Friday, October 21, 2011
How to dispose of your wild animals before you kill yourself
Look, if you're gonna own a bunch of wild animals, become suicidal, and decide to free all your animals before you kill yourself, presumably because you want them to taste some freedom, then you're a stupid asshole.
First of all, if you were so concerned about the freedom of animals, you wouldn't have held giant jungle cats locked up in your backyard. But let's say you didn't think that part up until later, so you think that freeing them at the end is a good idea. You don't live on the plains of the Serengeti. You live in fucking Ohio. There are cars and police and a SEVERE love of guns in this country. There's no way those animals were going to do anything but get killed. What did you think would happen, that they'd get away? Maybe sneak aboard a tramp steamer and have an adventure, where they learn the value of friendship with a ragtag crew of merchant marines, who take them back to Africa? I should speak low; DreamWorks might be hunting for a premise for Madagascar 5.
So for the next idiot who decides to set his savage killing machines loose in America for ANY reason, just keep in mind that if you're actual concerned about their safety, you'd leave them locked up so some nature preserve can come and get them instead of forcing police to shoot them in the streets. You cunt.
First of all, if you were so concerned about the freedom of animals, you wouldn't have held giant jungle cats locked up in your backyard. But let's say you didn't think that part up until later, so you think that freeing them at the end is a good idea. You don't live on the plains of the Serengeti. You live in fucking Ohio. There are cars and police and a SEVERE love of guns in this country. There's no way those animals were going to do anything but get killed. What did you think would happen, that they'd get away? Maybe sneak aboard a tramp steamer and have an adventure, where they learn the value of friendship with a ragtag crew of merchant marines, who take them back to Africa? I should speak low; DreamWorks might be hunting for a premise for Madagascar 5.
So for the next idiot who decides to set his savage killing machines loose in America for ANY reason, just keep in mind that if you're actual concerned about their safety, you'd leave them locked up so some nature preserve can come and get them instead of forcing police to shoot them in the streets. You cunt.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Finally Famous Vol. 3 Micro Review
I got about eight songs in on Big Sean's Finally Famous Vol. 3 mixtape before I had to stop. This is all I heard:
"I'm so clean, I'm so clean. BITCHES. I slept with your girlfriend. MONEY. I'm from Detroit, I'm from Detroit. DETROIT."
I have no hope for the future.
"I'm so clean, I'm so clean. BITCHES. I slept with your girlfriend. MONEY. I'm from Detroit, I'm from Detroit. DETROIT."
I have no hope for the future.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Booing is nothing. Meeka Claxton got off easy.
...and to think, if not for Twitter, I wouldn't have known anything about this. Damn you, Twitter.
Anyway, Meeka Claxton, from that show Basketball Wives, where self-entitled rich cunts act like cunts for the world's entertainment, got booed when she tried to step outside of the show's cunty confines and do something worthwhile. She recently appeared at a Clark-Atlanta charity event to show support for HBCUs and was essentially told "fuck you" by the crowd, forthwith and without hesitation.
I guess we're supposed to feel sorry for her or something, but I don't. And I shouldn't. Look at the show she's on. The few minutes of the show I have seen, it was just spoiled, rich women with no redeeming qualities fighting with each other. One evening while fixing cable at a customer's house, this show was on and the ease with which it set back black women in America made me angry. If all of these women turned up dead tomorrow, I would just assume that they had it coming.
Shows like this are why God has turned his back on America. That's why I went outside and cut the lady's cable off completely until I was done working.
But some people actually defend Claxton, claiming that it's just entertainment and that we shouldn't keep her in that box when she isn't on TV. She's an entrepreneur in her own right, worth $7 million dollars, and is the only "Basketball Wife" that is still married to the man allowed her to qualify, Speedy Claxton. And really, Speedy Claxton spent so much of his career injured that he barely counts as a basketball player.
Thing is, she's on a "reality" show, which is passed off by the television networks as "reality." While most of the situations are set up by producers, she's still the one passing off her image as "reality." These people are not actors. This is supposed to be who they are. So, should we really be surprised that people are treating her like this in the real world? People treat Casey Anthony like she's a psychopath and a murderer because they believe she is, based on what they learned about her on TV. What have they learned about Meeka Claxton?
Based on the two and a half minutes of research I did on her, she is the one that "everyone loves to hate" on Basketball Wives, according to Eurweb.com. They go on to state that "Meeka’s best known for her backstabbing, social jocking, and gossiping mouth. She also had a weave-pulling fight with fellow cast member Tami Roman in the Rome, Italy episode." So they basically learned that she is a terrible human being. She's lucky that all the crowd did was boo. In a world where people will throw their own feces at Tila Tequila, she should be thanking the crowd that all they did was try to let her know what trashy person she is.
Who am I to make such judgments on her personality when I've never met her? I don't have to meet her. She's on a reality show, giving the show's producers consent to present that image of her as reality. Based on that, there is nothing about her that demands respect of any kind.
It's not like she's a soap opera star, playing a character written for her. Only crazy people confuse that with being reality. On this show, she's being herself, right? So that means she acts like this whether the cameras are rolling or not. She can't be too concerned with how she's seen, or she wouldn't allow that to be all that the public sees of her. Or to be more direct, no one is looking to treat Snooki respectfully, either. Nor should you. If a person presents themselves as an asshole at every turn, why would you respect them? There's probably something wrong with you if you do.
Understand this, Meeka, no one cares who you are because you're worth $7 million, and are a self-made successful businesswoman. They know you for willingly and gleefully being a bitch on TV. Therefore, you should expect to be treated like a bitch in the street, just like policemen expect to be treated like policemen and Snookis expect to be treated like drunken whores. If that's not who you really are, then stop acting like that's who you really are. To people who watch the show, you are that person. Just be glad that they don't stone you. I'm sure it has correctly crossed their minds.
Anyway, Meeka Claxton, from that show Basketball Wives, where self-entitled rich cunts act like cunts for the world's entertainment, got booed when she tried to step outside of the show's cunty confines and do something worthwhile. She recently appeared at a Clark-Atlanta charity event to show support for HBCUs and was essentially told "fuck you" by the crowd, forthwith and without hesitation.
I guess we're supposed to feel sorry for her or something, but I don't. And I shouldn't. Look at the show she's on. The few minutes of the show I have seen, it was just spoiled, rich women with no redeeming qualities fighting with each other. One evening while fixing cable at a customer's house, this show was on and the ease with which it set back black women in America made me angry. If all of these women turned up dead tomorrow, I would just assume that they had it coming.
Shows like this are why God has turned his back on America. That's why I went outside and cut the lady's cable off completely until I was done working.
But some people actually defend Claxton, claiming that it's just entertainment and that we shouldn't keep her in that box when she isn't on TV. She's an entrepreneur in her own right, worth $7 million dollars, and is the only "Basketball Wife" that is still married to the man allowed her to qualify, Speedy Claxton. And really, Speedy Claxton spent so much of his career injured that he barely counts as a basketball player.
Thing is, she's on a "reality" show, which is passed off by the television networks as "reality." While most of the situations are set up by producers, she's still the one passing off her image as "reality." These people are not actors. This is supposed to be who they are. So, should we really be surprised that people are treating her like this in the real world? People treat Casey Anthony like she's a psychopath and a murderer because they believe she is, based on what they learned about her on TV. What have they learned about Meeka Claxton?
Based on the two and a half minutes of research I did on her, she is the one that "everyone loves to hate" on Basketball Wives, according to Eurweb.com. They go on to state that "Meeka’s best known for her backstabbing, social jocking, and gossiping mouth. She also had a weave-pulling fight with fellow cast member Tami Roman in the Rome, Italy episode." So they basically learned that she is a terrible human being. She's lucky that all the crowd did was boo. In a world where people will throw their own feces at Tila Tequila, she should be thanking the crowd that all they did was try to let her know what trashy person she is.
Who am I to make such judgments on her personality when I've never met her? I don't have to meet her. She's on a reality show, giving the show's producers consent to present that image of her as reality. Based on that, there is nothing about her that demands respect of any kind.
It's not like she's a soap opera star, playing a character written for her. Only crazy people confuse that with being reality. On this show, she's being herself, right? So that means she acts like this whether the cameras are rolling or not. She can't be too concerned with how she's seen, or she wouldn't allow that to be all that the public sees of her. Or to be more direct, no one is looking to treat Snooki respectfully, either. Nor should you. If a person presents themselves as an asshole at every turn, why would you respect them? There's probably something wrong with you if you do.
Understand this, Meeka, no one cares who you are because you're worth $7 million, and are a self-made successful businesswoman. They know you for willingly and gleefully being a bitch on TV. Therefore, you should expect to be treated like a bitch in the street, just like policemen expect to be treated like policemen and Snookis expect to be treated like drunken whores. If that's not who you really are, then stop acting like that's who you really are. To people who watch the show, you are that person. Just be glad that they don't stone you. I'm sure it has correctly crossed their minds.
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
A Black Spider-Man Won't Be So Bad
Here lately, Marvel and DC have been making a few efforts to diversify their lineup of characters. Batman has been hooked up with a black guy named Bat-Wing. Mr. Terrific is getting his own book (that's likely to be cancelled within months, not because he's black, but because it's a book about a guy who's really, really smart). But the most controversial addition seems to be in Marvel's Ultimate Universe. Ultimate Spider-Man is now a Blaxican. Well, I guess he's Mexican. He's half-Black, half-Hispanic. I suppose I shouldn't assume.
From the few comments I read over at the IGN comment section, Miles Morales isn't going to be well-received. They don't like the forced diversity and feel that instead of just changing characters into black people, they should create original characters to reflect the diversity that Marvel and DC are trying to portray. One guy (I couldn't be bothered to go back and read his name; let's call him MrFantastic420) even said that changing Spider-Man into a black/Hispanic guy isn't true diversity at all.
And that shit is goddamn stupid.
Look, no one said anything about Spider-Man 2099 being a half-Puerto Rican Irishman named Miguel O'Hara, and it's the exact same thing. Furthermore, Nick Fury was turned into Samuel L. Jackson, and that was considered to be the most brilliant thing since we climbed out of the primordial ooze because we figured out that we didn't have gills. And that wasn't changing a guy's secret identity, that was changing the guy from Knight Rider into the guy from Pulp Fiction.
But that last point intrigues me: How is that not true diversity in comics? I mean, there's a black guy there where there didn't used to be a black guy. That's one more black guy than was there yesterday.
It's something that has been done before in comic books without controversy. Superman was replaced by four people once, and one of those guys was black. Ted Kord was replaced as Blue Beetle by a Hispanic teenager. Firestorm's two white guys were replaced by a black kid and his Asian girlfriend. It's nothing new. Tony Stark was replaced as Iron Man by James Rhodes. Hal Jordan was replaced as Green Lantern in the comics AND on the cartoon by John Stewart.
I guess it never bothered anyone that Rhodey was Iron Man or that John Stewart was GL, because we always knew that Stark and Hal would be back. But Ultimate Peter Parker is Ultimate Dead, which means, he isn't coming back. I suppose that's why it's a problem. Ultimate Spider-Man is an Ultimate Blaxican. Or Blackarican. Whatever.
But it's not Spider-Man. This is ULTIMATE Spider-Man. He's like, Earth-2 Spider-Man. And that's kind of the point of the character, and the universe, for that matter. They can try things that they couldn't do in the regular Marvel U without assholes claiming that someone just "spit in the eyes of continuity." That's why they have tidal waves wiping out whole superteams and Galactus existing as a swarm of bugs.
And while it's Ultimate Spidey and not regular Spidey, it's still a prominent position for a black man to be in. And Hispanic. Whatever. A black (Hispanic) man is now the top dog in a major comic universe. It's exactly like when Barack Obama become President, except that no one knows about it but comic nerds and the whole thing was made up. Okay, so maybe it's not like that at all. But it kinda is. A little.
It's makes sense to do something like this, because it's boring and predictable to make Spidey ANOTHER white guy. That's something that Captain America or Batman do (and DID. Even though it makes complete sense for a black man to be Batman. We merge into the shadows easier). Besides, creating whole lines of Black characters was also tried. How many years did Milestone last? Creating Black characters for the sake of doing it isn't a good idea, because that's how you get abortions like Rage and Night Thrasher. But in this case, it sounds like they have a story they're trying to tell, so I'm in.
It's so easy to write the whole thing off as "They're fucking fake, losers," but as a black comic nerd, I understand better than most what it's like to be force fed another minority hero. It's offensive and insulting. For a long time, I hated Luke Cage. HATED HIM. Luke Cage, Roadblock from GI Joe, The Junkyard Dog. All the time, I thought, "Why do you they all have to rhyme and dance? And what the fuck does 'jive' mean?" I was a very detailed thinker as an eight year old. But I wondered why black people couldn't just be heroes. Why do they have to be BLACK heroes? Where was my Superman? Where was my Hulk Hogan?
Here's hoping that for a younger generation of minority comic book readers, Ultimate Spider-Man (and Firestorm and Blue Beetle) can be just that.
And even at it's worst, it can't reached the depths of the time they turned the Punisher black. I'm still mad about that one.
From the few comments I read over at the IGN comment section, Miles Morales isn't going to be well-received. They don't like the forced diversity and feel that instead of just changing characters into black people, they should create original characters to reflect the diversity that Marvel and DC are trying to portray. One guy (I couldn't be bothered to go back and read his name; let's call him MrFantastic420) even said that changing Spider-Man into a black/Hispanic guy isn't true diversity at all.
And that shit is goddamn stupid.
Look, no one said anything about Spider-Man 2099 being a half-Puerto Rican Irishman named Miguel O'Hara, and it's the exact same thing. Furthermore, Nick Fury was turned into Samuel L. Jackson, and that was considered to be the most brilliant thing since we climbed out of the primordial ooze because we figured out that we didn't have gills. And that wasn't changing a guy's secret identity, that was changing the guy from Knight Rider into the guy from Pulp Fiction.
But that last point intrigues me: How is that not true diversity in comics? I mean, there's a black guy there where there didn't used to be a black guy. That's one more black guy than was there yesterday.
It's something that has been done before in comic books without controversy. Superman was replaced by four people once, and one of those guys was black. Ted Kord was replaced as Blue Beetle by a Hispanic teenager. Firestorm's two white guys were replaced by a black kid and his Asian girlfriend. It's nothing new. Tony Stark was replaced as Iron Man by James Rhodes. Hal Jordan was replaced as Green Lantern in the comics AND on the cartoon by John Stewart.
I guess it never bothered anyone that Rhodey was Iron Man or that John Stewart was GL, because we always knew that Stark and Hal would be back. But Ultimate Peter Parker is Ultimate Dead, which means, he isn't coming back. I suppose that's why it's a problem. Ultimate Spider-Man is an Ultimate Blaxican. Or Blackarican. Whatever.
But it's not Spider-Man. This is ULTIMATE Spider-Man. He's like, Earth-2 Spider-Man. And that's kind of the point of the character, and the universe, for that matter. They can try things that they couldn't do in the regular Marvel U without assholes claiming that someone just "spit in the eyes of continuity." That's why they have tidal waves wiping out whole superteams and Galactus existing as a swarm of bugs.
And while it's Ultimate Spidey and not regular Spidey, it's still a prominent position for a black man to be in. And Hispanic. Whatever. A black (Hispanic) man is now the top dog in a major comic universe. It's exactly like when Barack Obama become President, except that no one knows about it but comic nerds and the whole thing was made up. Okay, so maybe it's not like that at all. But it kinda is. A little.
It's makes sense to do something like this, because it's boring and predictable to make Spidey ANOTHER white guy. That's something that Captain America or Batman do (and DID. Even though it makes complete sense for a black man to be Batman. We merge into the shadows easier). Besides, creating whole lines of Black characters was also tried. How many years did Milestone last? Creating Black characters for the sake of doing it isn't a good idea, because that's how you get abortions like Rage and Night Thrasher. But in this case, it sounds like they have a story they're trying to tell, so I'm in.
It's so easy to write the whole thing off as "They're fucking fake, losers," but as a black comic nerd, I understand better than most what it's like to be force fed another minority hero. It's offensive and insulting. For a long time, I hated Luke Cage. HATED HIM. Luke Cage, Roadblock from GI Joe, The Junkyard Dog. All the time, I thought, "Why do you they all have to rhyme and dance? And what the fuck does 'jive' mean?" I was a very detailed thinker as an eight year old. But I wondered why black people couldn't just be heroes. Why do they have to be BLACK heroes? Where was my Superman? Where was my Hulk Hogan?
Here's hoping that for a younger generation of minority comic book readers, Ultimate Spider-Man (and Firestorm and Blue Beetle) can be just that.
And even at it's worst, it can't reached the depths of the time they turned the Punisher black. I'm still mad about that one.
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Terrorists + Explosives + MIcrosurgery = Safe Americans
So terrorists are looking to surgically implant bombs inside of their bodies. At first, I was a little worried about this. I mean, we are living in the future now. Microsurgery is as common today as amateur porn is with college girls. It's everywhere. I mean, I had microsurgery three times today before the sun came up.
But then, four seconds passed and I realized that this plan isn't likely to get off the ground. I spent more time thinking up that "amateur porn" reference than I spent being worried. After all, these are the same people who have yet to master exploding shoe OR exploding underwear technology. Not only that, back in Afghanistan, one of the things they enjoy blowing up is hospitals. The secrets of microsurgery will probably keep stumping them until they can rightfully die filled with bullets.
As soon as I heard that they were trying to do this, I could almost envision the scene in front of me: A group of men huddled around a TV, watching a bootleg of The Dark Knight. They see the part where the guy shows up in jail with an exploding cell phone lodged in his stomach. One man gets up and starts screaming excitedly, then the mob burns down the building in celebration. Happens just like that all the time.
Trust me, terrorists: That. WILL NOT. Work. But feel free to try. I figure you'll blow up at least 75-100 of your own before you realize that this isn't working out as planned.
But then, four seconds passed and I realized that this plan isn't likely to get off the ground. I spent more time thinking up that "amateur porn" reference than I spent being worried. After all, these are the same people who have yet to master exploding shoe OR exploding underwear technology. Not only that, back in Afghanistan, one of the things they enjoy blowing up is hospitals. The secrets of microsurgery will probably keep stumping them until they can rightfully die filled with bullets.
As soon as I heard that they were trying to do this, I could almost envision the scene in front of me: A group of men huddled around a TV, watching a bootleg of The Dark Knight. They see the part where the guy shows up in jail with an exploding cell phone lodged in his stomach. One man gets up and starts screaming excitedly, then the mob burns down the building in celebration. Happens just like that all the time.
Trust me, terrorists: That. WILL NOT. Work. But feel free to try. I figure you'll blow up at least 75-100 of your own before you realize that this isn't working out as planned.
Friday, April 29, 2011
A Non-Douchey Reason Not to Watch The NFL Draft
Look, I'm not gonna knock anyone for watching the NFL Draft. There's no accounting for some people's tastes. I mean, let's be honest: "Real Housewives" became a franchise, and that was nothing more than selfish, middle-aged, plastic surgery victims drinking and yelling at each other. So, it's not like anyone in this country can really knock anyone else for their viewing choices. At least people who watch the NFL Draft have a legitimate reason for doing it. I don't watch it, but then again, I watch "TNA Impact" every week, and I know going in that no less than 60% of that show is complete crap. So it's not like my tastes are the standard by which all things should be judged.
But I'm begging you, if you love the NFL Draft, you'll stop watching it for a little while.
Think of this as a precautionary tale. I used to love the NBA All-Star Game, and so did a lot of other people. Then, corporate America noticed. Now, I have to watch ESPN pretend that Jon Barry in a Darth Vader mask is funny or some sideline reporter ask Jason Alexander what he thinks of the game. It is painful to watch, and they don't even have the good sense to put it on before the game, where I can cheerfully ignore it. Nope, it's right in the middle of the game, during the timeouts. Timeouts brought to you to Haier (the official refrigerator of the NBA).
The All-Star Game became a grand spectacle of commercialism, with product placements, celebrities in awkward comedy skits, and the goddamn musical acts. Now, I don't love the NBA All-Star Game as much anymore. It's become overblown and filled with horseshit.
There used to be a coolness about watching the best players get together and play a game. Now, it feels like the NBA is telling me, "Yes, this is cool, and you should watch." Instead of it just being a fun game, it's become "Must See TV," because the hype machine tells you that it is, and four months out, the promotion has already begun. And look, Beyonce! Because now, the game can't just speak for itself. The game needs to draw in all demographics, since basketball lovers just aren't enough.
The simplicity of a cool idea has been lost in all the glitz and glamour that's been artificially added (by Hyundai, the official midsize sedan of the NBA). Look, I just wanna watch a game. If I want to see Bruno Mars or Kanye West in their skinny jeans, pantomiming through their latest hit, then I know where to find them. There's MTV2, BET, VH-1, E!, radio stations, the VMAs; a ton of other places that make way more sense than a basketball game. Everything doesn't have to be an opportunity to sell me something.
And it's not just the All-Star Game. Look at the Super Bowl. Look at the BCS Championship. Look at Wrestlemania. Instead of just being about the game (or the matches), it always has to be a "larger-than-life, multimedia, grand-spectacular-extravaganza!" Brought to you by Texas Instruments, official calculator of the NBA.
The worlds don't always have to merge, but that's not how corporate America see it. There has to be synergy, and cross-demographic appeal, or some other words that I don't completely understand. I don't even know if the ones I threw out were right. And this is the future of the NFL Draft if it gets too popular.
They've already gotten ahold of the Super Bowl. Don't let them do the same to the NFL Draft. Because once they have Rebecca Black performing before the first pick (brought to you by Summer's Eve, the official douche of the NBA), it'll be too late. You're dealing with Corporate America here, and they don't learn. Remember, Ashlee Simpson was booed at the 2005 Orange Bowl, and they still trotted her out there for the 2007 Rose Bowl, where she got booed again. These are not smart people. They will RUIN your cool little private party.
So do yourself a favor, stop watching the NFL Draft. At least for a little while. Just read the Yahoo! Sports coverage or something. It's already setting ratings records, so time is short. Please. I'm trying to save you from THEM.
And it probably won't hurt for you to cut back on the Combine, too.
But I'm begging you, if you love the NFL Draft, you'll stop watching it for a little while.
Think of this as a precautionary tale. I used to love the NBA All-Star Game, and so did a lot of other people. Then, corporate America noticed. Now, I have to watch ESPN pretend that Jon Barry in a Darth Vader mask is funny or some sideline reporter ask Jason Alexander what he thinks of the game. It is painful to watch, and they don't even have the good sense to put it on before the game, where I can cheerfully ignore it. Nope, it's right in the middle of the game, during the timeouts. Timeouts brought to you to Haier (the official refrigerator of the NBA).
The All-Star Game became a grand spectacle of commercialism, with product placements, celebrities in awkward comedy skits, and the goddamn musical acts. Now, I don't love the NBA All-Star Game as much anymore. It's become overblown and filled with horseshit.
There used to be a coolness about watching the best players get together and play a game. Now, it feels like the NBA is telling me, "Yes, this is cool, and you should watch." Instead of it just being a fun game, it's become "Must See TV," because the hype machine tells you that it is, and four months out, the promotion has already begun. And look, Beyonce! Because now, the game can't just speak for itself. The game needs to draw in all demographics, since basketball lovers just aren't enough.
The simplicity of a cool idea has been lost in all the glitz and glamour that's been artificially added (by Hyundai, the official midsize sedan of the NBA). Look, I just wanna watch a game. If I want to see Bruno Mars or Kanye West in their skinny jeans, pantomiming through their latest hit, then I know where to find them. There's MTV2, BET, VH-1, E!, radio stations, the VMAs; a ton of other places that make way more sense than a basketball game. Everything doesn't have to be an opportunity to sell me something.
And it's not just the All-Star Game. Look at the Super Bowl. Look at the BCS Championship. Look at Wrestlemania. Instead of just being about the game (or the matches), it always has to be a "larger-than-life, multimedia, grand-spectacular-extravaganza!" Brought to you by Texas Instruments, official calculator of the NBA.
The worlds don't always have to merge, but that's not how corporate America see it. There has to be synergy, and cross-demographic appeal, or some other words that I don't completely understand. I don't even know if the ones I threw out were right. And this is the future of the NFL Draft if it gets too popular.
They've already gotten ahold of the Super Bowl. Don't let them do the same to the NFL Draft. Because once they have Rebecca Black performing before the first pick (brought to you by Summer's Eve, the official douche of the NBA), it'll be too late. You're dealing with Corporate America here, and they don't learn. Remember, Ashlee Simpson was booed at the 2005 Orange Bowl, and they still trotted her out there for the 2007 Rose Bowl, where she got booed again. These are not smart people. They will RUIN your cool little private party.
So do yourself a favor, stop watching the NFL Draft. At least for a little while. Just read the Yahoo! Sports coverage or something. It's already setting ratings records, so time is short. Please. I'm trying to save you from THEM.
And it probably won't hurt for you to cut back on the Combine, too.
Monday, April 25, 2011
In Response to "The Chick-Fil-A Buycott." What a stupid name.
I’ve always wanted to do this. Well, ever since I read Drew Magary over at Kissing Suzy Kolber doing it.
Anyway, what follows is the text from the website www.afa.net, or the American Family Association. They’re organizing a “buycott” in support of Chick-Fil-A, because gay people are mad at Chick-Fil-A for not liking them. The text is unedited, with periodic breaks for my own commentary. It’s so much easier to respond to stupidity this way.
What is a BUYCOTT?
It is collectively showing appreciation for a company by purchasing their products or services – the opposite of a boycott.
Why BUYCOTT Chick-Fil-A?
You probably didn't hear about this on the evening news or read about it in the newspaper,
What? But the lamestream media should have been all over this! It involves those evil sodomites hating Christians for their love of God! That lovely Sarah Palin once said, “Gays masturbate all over the pages of the Bible.”
but after a Chick-fil-A restaurant in Pennsylvania donated some sandwiches and brownies to a marriage seminar hosted by the Pennsylvania Family Institute, pro-homosexual activists went ballistic. According to syndicated columnist Michelle Malkin:
Stop right there. There’s something to be said for considering the source, because if you’re starting off by quoting Michelle Malkin, you know you’re about to hear some lies. Its like holding up the word of Loki as the gospel.
Fact is, Chick-Fil-A has been financially supporting anti-gay politicians and Focus on the Family for a while now. Of course, it sounds much better to say the boycott happened because Chick-Fil-A was “donating sandwiches and brownies to a marriage seminar,” because it allows you to throw “because they hate marriage and God,” on the end of it.
- Several left-wing activist blogs launched an all-out attack on Chick-fil-A.
This is probably true. Because if someone was giving money to the Klan, I’d expect black people to boycott them. Gays are just like black people, in that they’re also people.
- Some started calling the company's main product "Jesus Chicken."
This is also probably true, and it’s pretty clever. You’d think they’d like this name, because if they actually had self-replicating chicken that allowed them to feed the masses, profits would skyrocket.
- They mocked and belittled the company's "Not Open on Sunday" policy.
To be fair, lots of people mock this policy, including people who like Chick-Fil-A’s food and fat people. At least a couple of those can be considered “Christian.”
- They smeared company employees, calling them "anti-gay."
This is most likely an exaggeration, but if anyone was going to be called “anti-gay,” it was probably the executives. I doubt anyone’s gonna run up in a Chick-Fil-A and call the 17-year-old behind the counter “anti-gay.” It’s not like they’re being asked to murder gay people. They’re just selling chicken.
- One individual – Michael Jones – started an online petition campaign "demanding" that Chick-fil-A renounce "extreme anti-gay groups."
And this is bad why? I mean, isn’t Focus on the Family considered “extremely anti-gay?” Oh, I get it: We all should support anti-gay groups, because that’s what Jesus would do.
- Users of Facebook organized witch hunts on college campuses.
Sure, they did. Facebook users organized mobs that hunted down innocent people and burned them at the stake. The police really shouldn’t have found out about it this way.
- In a feature article that ran in the New York Times' Sunday A-section, reporter Kim Severson attacked Chick-fil-A saying it is "anti-gay."
Well, all of the evidence points towards the Cathy family (the owners of Chick-Fil-A) being right-leaning, deeply religious, and supportive of conservative groups. So maybe they’re not “anti-gay.” Just “not in favor of their lifestyle,” which is totally different.
All that because one Chick-fil-A franchise donated a few sandwiches to a seminar aimed at helping couples strengthen their marriages.
If only that was all they did. Really, even gay people wish that straight couples would get their shit together, because they are RUINING the sanctity of marriage. Every little chick helps.
That reaction certainly seems like making a mountain out of a mole hill. You get the sense that there's more to this attack on Chick-fil-A than meets the eye. And you're right. There is.
Yeah, but it’s less about sandwiches and more about money towards anti-gay groups. Not that Michelle Malkin would tell you that. Her angry spittle washed all those pesky facts off of the page.
Chick-fil-A operates on Biblical principles and that irritates secularists
Because no pro-Christian propaganda would be complete without Christians playing the victim. Forget the fact that they actually are anti-gay. Gay people are not anti-Christian. They appear that way because they’re actually responding to the bullshit you brought to them. Otherwise, they’d just go on being gay and gay.
It’s stupid as shit to even suggest that Chick-Fil-A’s business practices are an actual reason, because no one cares about Chick-Fil-A being a Christian-run business. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t eat Chick-Fil-A because they read Bibles in their corporate boardrooms.” Perhaps they don’t because the sodium content is a touch high, however.
Secondly, I think it’s a safe bet that a huge percentage of the people that they paint as “secularists” are actually Christians. They’re just not sensitive assholes.
Thirdly, no one gets irritated by Christians for being Christians. It’s just when they start that whole, “The Bible says you shouldn’t do this,” crap that they become annoying. “Don’t put too much air in your tires, because Thessalonians 2:10 says this.” If you try hard enough, there’s a Bible verse against everything, and having someone throw that in your face all day is fucking annoying. Especially when the God you believe in isn’t nearly as anal. Besides, who wants to live in a world where they’re not allowed to enjoy anything? That’s what makes Christians annoying. And it only gets worse when they form those overbearing fundamentalist groups that don’t believe in the mantra “live and let live,” but instead, “legislate into submission.”
- For Example:
- Chick-fil-A plays Christian music in its restaurants ... exclusively.
Even Kirk Franklin? I never hear Kirk Franklin in Chick-Fil-A…and for that, I thank you.
- Chick-fil-A closes all its locations on Sunday ... no exceptions.
Again, only annoying to people who eat food.
- Chick-fil-A's stated corporate purpose is: 1) To glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us; and 2) To have a positive influence on all who come in contact with Chick-fil-A.
Sounds good on the surface, and in fairness, Chick-Fil-A is the only fast food spot that has never pissed me off. But can’t you glorify God after I’m done ordering? I don’t wanna get religion all over my food.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Black progress today means that slavery was okay!
I shouldn't have to say this, but just because we have a Black President in 2010 doesn't mean it was okay to invade and rape Africa 500 years ago.
I don't know where racists get the idea that LeBron James being able to sign a big money deal in the NBA means that 500 years of slavery, abuse, exploitation, segregation, dogs, firehoses, Bull Durham, George Wallace, the Klan, exploding churches, and Rush Limbaugh were okay. That's like saying it should be okay for people to rape you in prison, because once your therapy is complete, you're gonna have a really good story to tell.
Where does this idea come from? The slavers weren't looking to do hook Black folks up when when they showed up in West Africa. They didn't say, "If you come with us, your kids will dominate sports and pop culture one day," and even if they did, I don't think that's a very good selling point. They didn't rape our Black women to help their descendants with their hair care issues. Slavery was fucked up. Post Civil War America was fucked up. The 1960s was a less fucked up, but still fucked up. And every time someone suggests this myth that we are somehow better off today because Kunta and Belle watched Kizzy get sold off for learning how to read, it reminds me that things are still fucked up.
I don't think people who think this way really understand what slavery means. We didn't choose to go and there's wasn't an opt-out clause in our contract that said we could go back home if we didn't like it. We were stolen away from our homes. We had a religion forced upon us. We weren't even considered to be people. We were beaten, we were starved, we were forced to work, we were raped, we had no rights, no education, nothing of our own, isolated in a land that wasn't our own. And once we finally got free, we were resented by the oppressor for having the nerve to want freedom and equality. It took 100 years from the point slavery ended just to get the Civil Rights Act passed. And even now, we're still dealing with the problem of race in America, and if we weren't, I wouldn't be bothering to write this.
We were fine in Africa. The Africa of today isn't the Africa that was there when white folks showed up. We weren't bothering anyone when the slavers showed up with their hypocrisy and their Christianity (one and the same, really), and decided that our way of life wasn't good enough. Oh, and we had diamond mines. Can't forget that.
So, they enslaved some of us and colonized the rest. Yeah, you were really doing us a favor. If they really wanted to do something nice for Black people, they would have stayed the hell out of Africa. There wouldn't have been any exploitation of people OR resources. There wouldn't have been any colonization, any turning tribes against each other, and maybe, just maybe, none of the things that set Africa on the path to all this behavior that makes the world think that we are nothing but mindless savages. Yeah, you really helped us out, slavers. Our biggest problems before were just getting eaten by lions and the occasional tribal war. That shit is no problem at all when you're faced with smallpox, slavery, genocide, J. Edgar Hoover, and the crack epidemic. Clearly, we had no perspective at all.
Thank God you guys came and gave it to us, though. Now, we know what true wickedness is. Our form of slavery wasn't even the same as yours. In Africa, slavery was more of a debt to be paid for a loss of battle or crime committed, and eventually, the enslaved could leave. Your form was the corporate version of slavery, where slaves were a resource to be exploited; a commodity to be traded. Boy, were we naive!
So stop with the bullshit. Just because Michael Jackson sold a bunch of records and Roland Martin gets to be on CNN doesn't mean that everything that happened in 1849 was totally worth it. It was still a goddamn atrocity. The ends never justify the means. If they do, that means that the Holocaust and Hitler should be celebrated, because it got the Jews a free country, money, and gave us Steven Spielberg. Much like slavery, the Holocaust was fucked up. That's why they call it "The Holocaust," and not "Weekend at Bernie's 3: The Relaxing Gas-Chamber Sauna."
If someone truly believes that we should be grateful to white people for our peoples' journey through Hell, just because eventually, it worked out pretty decently, then that person should be thrown into piranha-infested waters for being that ignorant. Sure, we've made the best of a shitty situation, but claiming that the progress of the last 50 years means that the slave trade was okay makes them an asshole. America would be a much greater place today without all of that Black blood on its hands.
I don't know where racists get the idea that LeBron James being able to sign a big money deal in the NBA means that 500 years of slavery, abuse, exploitation, segregation, dogs, firehoses, Bull Durham, George Wallace, the Klan, exploding churches, and Rush Limbaugh were okay. That's like saying it should be okay for people to rape you in prison, because once your therapy is complete, you're gonna have a really good story to tell.
Where does this idea come from? The slavers weren't looking to do hook Black folks up when when they showed up in West Africa. They didn't say, "If you come with us, your kids will dominate sports and pop culture one day," and even if they did, I don't think that's a very good selling point. They didn't rape our Black women to help their descendants with their hair care issues. Slavery was fucked up. Post Civil War America was fucked up. The 1960s was a less fucked up, but still fucked up. And every time someone suggests this myth that we are somehow better off today because Kunta and Belle watched Kizzy get sold off for learning how to read, it reminds me that things are still fucked up.
I don't think people who think this way really understand what slavery means. We didn't choose to go and there's wasn't an opt-out clause in our contract that said we could go back home if we didn't like it. We were stolen away from our homes. We had a religion forced upon us. We weren't even considered to be people. We were beaten, we were starved, we were forced to work, we were raped, we had no rights, no education, nothing of our own, isolated in a land that wasn't our own. And once we finally got free, we were resented by the oppressor for having the nerve to want freedom and equality. It took 100 years from the point slavery ended just to get the Civil Rights Act passed. And even now, we're still dealing with the problem of race in America, and if we weren't, I wouldn't be bothering to write this.
We were fine in Africa. The Africa of today isn't the Africa that was there when white folks showed up. We weren't bothering anyone when the slavers showed up with their hypocrisy and their Christianity (one and the same, really), and decided that our way of life wasn't good enough. Oh, and we had diamond mines. Can't forget that.
So, they enslaved some of us and colonized the rest. Yeah, you were really doing us a favor. If they really wanted to do something nice for Black people, they would have stayed the hell out of Africa. There wouldn't have been any exploitation of people OR resources. There wouldn't have been any colonization, any turning tribes against each other, and maybe, just maybe, none of the things that set Africa on the path to all this behavior that makes the world think that we are nothing but mindless savages. Yeah, you really helped us out, slavers. Our biggest problems before were just getting eaten by lions and the occasional tribal war. That shit is no problem at all when you're faced with smallpox, slavery, genocide, J. Edgar Hoover, and the crack epidemic. Clearly, we had no perspective at all.
Thank God you guys came and gave it to us, though. Now, we know what true wickedness is. Our form of slavery wasn't even the same as yours. In Africa, slavery was more of a debt to be paid for a loss of battle or crime committed, and eventually, the enslaved could leave. Your form was the corporate version of slavery, where slaves were a resource to be exploited; a commodity to be traded. Boy, were we naive!
So stop with the bullshit. Just because Michael Jackson sold a bunch of records and Roland Martin gets to be on CNN doesn't mean that everything that happened in 1849 was totally worth it. It was still a goddamn atrocity. The ends never justify the means. If they do, that means that the Holocaust and Hitler should be celebrated, because it got the Jews a free country, money, and gave us Steven Spielberg. Much like slavery, the Holocaust was fucked up. That's why they call it "The Holocaust," and not "Weekend at Bernie's 3: The Relaxing Gas-Chamber Sauna."
If someone truly believes that we should be grateful to white people for our peoples' journey through Hell, just because eventually, it worked out pretty decently, then that person should be thrown into piranha-infested waters for being that ignorant. Sure, we've made the best of a shitty situation, but claiming that the progress of the last 50 years means that the slave trade was okay makes them an asshole. America would be a much greater place today without all of that Black blood on its hands.
Why I don't get Black Republicans
Michael Steele seems like a great guy, from what I can tell. He's engaging, he's likable, he's intelligent, and he has a sense of humor about himself. Overall, the guy seems to be a pretty fair and level-headed person. I could be wrong, because I don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of the man, but my take on him is that he seems to be fairly decent.
But he's a Republican, and that's where we split ways.
It doesn't have anything to do with politics, either. Believe it or not, sometimes, the Republicans are right. I know, I know, they really shit the bed with that "War in Iraq" thing, and being a friend of the rich at the expense of everyone else is a really stupid idea, but here and there, they have an idea worth listening to, like securing the Mexican border and while I don't think eliminating the estate tax will ever work, lowering it wouldn't be a bad idea. The problem is, every so often, one of them or someone who represents them says something that is just crazy racist.
It can't be defended or explained, but the Republicans will try like it's going to bring Ronald Reagan back. And that's when they trot out all of the black Republicans to tell us why massa didn't mean what you thought he said. And that's when I lose respect for them, because the Republicans are not interested in doing anything to help us out at all. I'm not talking about getting handouts from white people, because that's what they believe all black folks want. I'm talking about things like fixing the school system in lower-income areas or trying to lower the recidivism rate. You know, things that they've shown no interest in doing. Their solutions have always been school vouchers and "three strike" rules.
They can talk about being "the Party of Lincoln" all they want to, but everyone knows that they stopped being "the party of Lincoln" in the 60s, during the Civil Rights era. See, there's a reason why black folks stopped joining the Republican Party; they're bigots and racists. It's led by people like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly, and if those people aren't racist, then Ann Coulter actually possesses a soul, and we all know that's not the case.
I can respect a difference of opinion. We probably aren't going to see eye-to-eye on things like tax cuts, abortion, Homeland Security, or many other things, but when you're accepting of people who say things like "I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship,"(Bill O'Reilly) or [To an African American female caller]: “Take that bone out of your nose and call me back.," (Rush Limbaugh) well, it's pretty hard to say, "Now, that's a guy who's on my side." I know they're not going to work with me, because they don't even believe I'm an actual human being.
They are the voice of Republicans. They watch Fox News. They listen to Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann; Rand Paul and Louie Gohmert, instead of reasonable people. They don't condemn the crazy or racist shit they might say. They make excuses for them and blame the media for taking statements out of context. Now, maybe it's me, but I don't see how you can take something like, “Look, let me put it to you this way: the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons,” out of context. Rush Limbaugh again, in cause you were wondering.
I don't believe that all Republicans are racist, but they sure do have a lot of racist buddies. Sean Hannity's ties to and apologies for white supremacy groups are well-documented; many supporters of Palin and Bachmann are unrepentant racists. And then, of course, there's Fox Nation, which is like accidentally wandering into stormfront.org. So, why would a black person want to hang around with people like this? Because you believe you have something in common with them? Because Abe Lincoln and Martin Luther King were once Republicans?
They don't like you, black people. And even the ones who do like you tirelessly defend the ones who don't. No one ever calls out these people. No one. And to think your presence will change this party from the inside is hopelessly naive. You're better off trying to prove that Taco Bell's meat has meat in it.
I'm not suggesting that you should become a Democrat, either. Hell, I'm not even a Democrat, because I don't want anyone thinking that I'm a pussy. But instead of trying to get in good with Republicans, why not form your own party? You can keep your conservative views and your dignity. You don't have to explain to anyone why you're okay with being second-class in your own party. You can earn the respect of your family and maybe, just maybe, get someone to take you seriously.
I'm just tired of seeing my black folks play the fool. The Republicans include you when they need you or when you further a goal for them. They think by having you parrot their talking points, that other black people will listen. And since people like Lil Wayne or the folks at BET aren't gonna change, I might as well try to appeal to people who appear to give things some thought. So let me conclude by saying this: By standing with them, you are the house negro who defends the slaveowner, even at the expense of himself. The above paragraphs have explained why.
But he's a Republican, and that's where we split ways.
It doesn't have anything to do with politics, either. Believe it or not, sometimes, the Republicans are right. I know, I know, they really shit the bed with that "War in Iraq" thing, and being a friend of the rich at the expense of everyone else is a really stupid idea, but here and there, they have an idea worth listening to, like securing the Mexican border and while I don't think eliminating the estate tax will ever work, lowering it wouldn't be a bad idea. The problem is, every so often, one of them or someone who represents them says something that is just crazy racist.
It can't be defended or explained, but the Republicans will try like it's going to bring Ronald Reagan back. And that's when they trot out all of the black Republicans to tell us why massa didn't mean what you thought he said. And that's when I lose respect for them, because the Republicans are not interested in doing anything to help us out at all. I'm not talking about getting handouts from white people, because that's what they believe all black folks want. I'm talking about things like fixing the school system in lower-income areas or trying to lower the recidivism rate. You know, things that they've shown no interest in doing. Their solutions have always been school vouchers and "three strike" rules.
They can talk about being "the Party of Lincoln" all they want to, but everyone knows that they stopped being "the party of Lincoln" in the 60s, during the Civil Rights era. See, there's a reason why black folks stopped joining the Republican Party; they're bigots and racists. It's led by people like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly, and if those people aren't racist, then Ann Coulter actually possesses a soul, and we all know that's not the case.
I can respect a difference of opinion. We probably aren't going to see eye-to-eye on things like tax cuts, abortion, Homeland Security, or many other things, but when you're accepting of people who say things like "I couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship,"(Bill O'Reilly) or [To an African American female caller]: “Take that bone out of your nose and call me back.," (Rush Limbaugh) well, it's pretty hard to say, "Now, that's a guy who's on my side." I know they're not going to work with me, because they don't even believe I'm an actual human being.
They are the voice of Republicans. They watch Fox News. They listen to Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann; Rand Paul and Louie Gohmert, instead of reasonable people. They don't condemn the crazy or racist shit they might say. They make excuses for them and blame the media for taking statements out of context. Now, maybe it's me, but I don't see how you can take something like, “Look, let me put it to you this way: the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons,” out of context. Rush Limbaugh again, in cause you were wondering.
I don't believe that all Republicans are racist, but they sure do have a lot of racist buddies. Sean Hannity's ties to and apologies for white supremacy groups are well-documented; many supporters of Palin and Bachmann are unrepentant racists. And then, of course, there's Fox Nation, which is like accidentally wandering into stormfront.org. So, why would a black person want to hang around with people like this? Because you believe you have something in common with them? Because Abe Lincoln and Martin Luther King were once Republicans?
They don't like you, black people. And even the ones who do like you tirelessly defend the ones who don't. No one ever calls out these people. No one. And to think your presence will change this party from the inside is hopelessly naive. You're better off trying to prove that Taco Bell's meat has meat in it.
I'm not suggesting that you should become a Democrat, either. Hell, I'm not even a Democrat, because I don't want anyone thinking that I'm a pussy. But instead of trying to get in good with Republicans, why not form your own party? You can keep your conservative views and your dignity. You don't have to explain to anyone why you're okay with being second-class in your own party. You can earn the respect of your family and maybe, just maybe, get someone to take you seriously.
I'm just tired of seeing my black folks play the fool. The Republicans include you when they need you or when you further a goal for them. They think by having you parrot their talking points, that other black people will listen. And since people like Lil Wayne or the folks at BET aren't gonna change, I might as well try to appeal to people who appear to give things some thought. So let me conclude by saying this: By standing with them, you are the house negro who defends the slaveowner, even at the expense of himself. The above paragraphs have explained why.
Monday, January 10, 2011
The political right is absolutely right. There is no evidence that this Jared Loughner kid listened to right-wing radio, watched Fox News, or any of that dyed-in-the-wool Republican crap. They are so right on this point. However...
...to hear the crazy shit that comes out of these folks mouths, you don't have to go to those sources. It's so outlandish sometimes, that real media outlets are forced to report on it. So, he could have heard that shit anywhere. CNN, MSNBC, Comedy Central, TLC, magazines, newspapers, and literally millions of places on the internet. Let's not act like you have to actually watch Glenn Beck to hear how crazy he is.
The political right is also correct in saying that they are not the only ones who use violent imagery. Everyone goes a little bit over the line sometimes, no matter what the reason may be. However...
...the sheer number of instances that come out of the mouths of right-wingers, be the Tea Partiers, Libertarians, or just run-of-the-mill Republicans is just overwhelming. These people are forever talking about gun rights, rising up against imagined tyranny, the streets running with blood; the right just spend the last two years promoting revolution...or did I imagine the preacher IN ARIZONA who openly prayed that President Obama would be killed?
Yeah, they've got that quote of the President saying "if they bring a knife, you bring a gun," or something like that, but for every ONE quote from the left that uses gun imagery or suggests violent uprising against elected officials, I'm sure I could easily find you thirty. The left just isn't that quick to talk about killing people. Let's be honest; they're generally pussies. Even when George W. Bush STOLE a Presidential election and forced us into a war that no one wanted but him, the left didn't get violent. In fact, Cynthia McKinney got voted out of office for being too upset about it. President Obama won one fair and square and the man instantly faced more death threats than any President in history.
So it's not like people are making things up. The right likes to talk about guns. The right likes to buy guns. And a lot of people on the right are looking for a reason to use one.
That's not to say that no one on the left gets crazy. It's just that no one else is known for it like the right is. And the legitimate media can't even get blamed for this one. The right's own media outlets promote this stuff. It's what their viewers and listeners want to hear. They want to hear Glenn Beck link the Obama Administration to Nazi Germany and scare them into thinking that they'll need to defend themselves. They want to hear Rush Limbaugh say something crass and tasteless against someone who isn't a WASP. They want Sarah Palin to get out there and say, "don't retreat; reload." If they didn't do it, it would be like watching the first four shows of American Idol and walking away with respect for the participants. No, you watch because you want to see someone's dignity destroyed in front of your eyes.
So, instead of defending yourself and just take it on the chin. I never thought I'd say it, but follow the Olbermann example: Just apologize, even if you don't feel you did anything wrong. The gesture alone would say a lot and it isn't gonna hurt Rush Limbaugh's ratings to do that. Only children say, "Well, what about him?" Grown-ups who know that they were also wrong would just accept it, make a statement, and move on.
Then again, Rush Limbaugh has never been known for his maturity.
...to hear the crazy shit that comes out of these folks mouths, you don't have to go to those sources. It's so outlandish sometimes, that real media outlets are forced to report on it. So, he could have heard that shit anywhere. CNN, MSNBC, Comedy Central, TLC, magazines, newspapers, and literally millions of places on the internet. Let's not act like you have to actually watch Glenn Beck to hear how crazy he is.
The political right is also correct in saying that they are not the only ones who use violent imagery. Everyone goes a little bit over the line sometimes, no matter what the reason may be. However...
...the sheer number of instances that come out of the mouths of right-wingers, be the Tea Partiers, Libertarians, or just run-of-the-mill Republicans is just overwhelming. These people are forever talking about gun rights, rising up against imagined tyranny, the streets running with blood; the right just spend the last two years promoting revolution...or did I imagine the preacher IN ARIZONA who openly prayed that President Obama would be killed?
Yeah, they've got that quote of the President saying "if they bring a knife, you bring a gun," or something like that, but for every ONE quote from the left that uses gun imagery or suggests violent uprising against elected officials, I'm sure I could easily find you thirty. The left just isn't that quick to talk about killing people. Let's be honest; they're generally pussies. Even when George W. Bush STOLE a Presidential election and forced us into a war that no one wanted but him, the left didn't get violent. In fact, Cynthia McKinney got voted out of office for being too upset about it. President Obama won one fair and square and the man instantly faced more death threats than any President in history.
So it's not like people are making things up. The right likes to talk about guns. The right likes to buy guns. And a lot of people on the right are looking for a reason to use one.
That's not to say that no one on the left gets crazy. It's just that no one else is known for it like the right is. And the legitimate media can't even get blamed for this one. The right's own media outlets promote this stuff. It's what their viewers and listeners want to hear. They want to hear Glenn Beck link the Obama Administration to Nazi Germany and scare them into thinking that they'll need to defend themselves. They want to hear Rush Limbaugh say something crass and tasteless against someone who isn't a WASP. They want Sarah Palin to get out there and say, "don't retreat; reload." If they didn't do it, it would be like watching the first four shows of American Idol and walking away with respect for the participants. No, you watch because you want to see someone's dignity destroyed in front of your eyes.
So, instead of defending yourself and just take it on the chin. I never thought I'd say it, but follow the Olbermann example: Just apologize, even if you don't feel you did anything wrong. The gesture alone would say a lot and it isn't gonna hurt Rush Limbaugh's ratings to do that. Only children say, "Well, what about him?" Grown-ups who know that they were also wrong would just accept it, make a statement, and move on.
Then again, Rush Limbaugh has never been known for his maturity.
Friday, December 03, 2010
Be mad and stay mad, Cleveland. I understand.
No one has a problem with people being emotionally invested in sports. At least not when fans are buying jerseys or getting tattoos of the team logo or throwing down thousands a season to come watch a team that has no hope of making the playoffs. That kind of emotional investment is okay. But when it comes to being angry at a player for leaving town, suddenly, fans are expected to "get over it."
LeBron James came back to Cleveland last night and proceeded to bust the Cavs heads open. Now, in the minds of many sports commentators (and probably fans, too), it's time for Cleveland to pipe down and stop whining about losing LeBron. The anger should have been burned out now, because you screamed at him for three straight hours. But it's not always that simple. After all, Cleveland put their hearts into LeBron for seven straight years. By my calculations, Cleveland should be allowed to scream at him for the rest of his career and at least half of his retirement. Hell, "The Decision" just happened in July. We haven't even seen the worst of what Cleveland can do yet. Have you seen what they do to their own shit? THEIR LAKE LIGHTS ON FIRE.
Some people might think it's crazy to put that much into a person who will never even know your name, and it is. But that's how sports goes. We are so crazy about our teams that we'll tailgate in subzero temperatures. Being mad at LeBron is nothing compared to that. But that's an acceptable level of insanity. Truth is, the same level of insanity that it takes to throw yourself into a team that is only after your money is the same level of insanity that it takes to get upset with a person for leaving that team. You can't think one is okay and not the other. Yeah, it's crazy to cry because LeBron went to Miami, but it's also crazy to buy seat licenses.
I'm not knocking it, because that would make me a hypocrite. I spend money on tickets and merchandise, too. I refuse to miss watching or listening to the Falcons on Sundays, and fume like a madman if they lose to their rivals. I live or die on each basket that the Chicago Bulls make. I talk trash to people about how well "my team" is doing, like I have some kind of financial stake in my teams. Yeah, I'm just as crazy as the rest of us. But that's where people seem to think the line should be drawn. "Be happy when things are going well, but don't be upset when things go bad. After all, it's just a business."
But it isn't "just a business." Not to the fans. If it was, people wouldn't do the things that they do to follow these teams. People name their kids after sports-related trivia. People have lost friendships and estranged themselves from family over sports. People get arrested all the time because they were fighting over sports. I personally insulted everyone from the state of Louisiana last year. For God's sake, people treat fantasy football like it's a religion. It stopped being "just a business" for the fans a long time ago.
It's just that "the business" doesn't like to see the angry side of the fans. I don't understand why, because it's not like they can't sell it. Hell, anger in sports is the easiest thing to sell. Lakers/Celtics bordered on outright racism in the 1980s. People have hated Duke for no discernible reason for the last 30 years.
But when it gets to that point, suddenly, it's "too much." "The fans have taken this just a little bit too far." "Get over it, fans. It's just a game." Oh, NOW, it's just a game. When it was time to renew those season tickets, though, it's was "team spirit."
They encourage fans to "get involved" in the team. "Support your hometown heroes." They like for fans to get painted up and wear costumes, or wave towels, and all that stuff. It's good TV to see that guy with no shirt on in the dead of winter at a Patriots game. They like for fans to feel like they're part of the team. Even though that stuff is plenty stupid, too, it's all good, because everyone is happy.
Then, LeBron leaves town. And not just leave, but announces on ESPN in a primetime special that he's leaving, THEN shows up at a parade the next night in Miami. THEN acts like he can't understand why everyone's all mad. Basically, blowing off Cleveland in the douchiest way possible. Suddenly, Cleveland is just expected to understand.
Well, fuck all that. If Cleveland wants to be upset for the rest of LeBron's career (and they probably will), then they're entitled. They were told to hitch their fortunes to THAT GUY and promised BY HIM that he'd bring a title to Cleveland. And it wasn't like someone like Brad Daughtery or Gerald Wilkins said it. LeBron was someone who had the ability to actually back that up. He was "The Chosen One," because the tattoo on his back said so. He gave them hope that for once, Cleveland would be known for something other than failure in sports and the Drew Carey Show (undoubtedly filmed in California). They got emotionally invested and LeBron (and the Cavs, to be fair) made a ton of money off of that emotional investment. So when the emotions turn sour, you can't just expect people just to shake that shit off, just because it's an inconvenience to YOU. And you certainly can't deride them because they're upset.
Well, you could, but you would also be hypocrite. Especially if you're from a soccer playing nation.
Situations like this are often compared to a breakup and we don't always expect people to just shake off a break up. We put all this time and effort and yes, emotion into these relationships and when they don't work, it fucking hurts and leads to sleepless night and drinking and that dull ache in your chest and OH GOD WHY WON'T SHE COME BACK TO ME???!!!
Sports really isn't all that different, except for the fact that maybe two or three times a year, you get to see that person and tell them exactly how you feel. You can't do that in real life, because you'd get arrested. So really, what happened in Cleveland last night was kind of cathartic for them. Even though the team lost, the city got to tell LeBron exactly what they thought to his face (more or less).
What we all have to understand is that this is the way it's gonna be in Cleveland, probably forever. We can't just tell them to suck it up because we're tired of hearing about it. We can't have it both ways. We can't praise passion on one hand, then shoot it down when it gets on your nerves. They'll stop when they stop. YOU get over it.
With sports, like relationships, it's either all or nothing. And it's not like berating them for being mad is gonna make them stop. If you think that's gonna work, then you might be just as insane as they are.
LeBron James came back to Cleveland last night and proceeded to bust the Cavs heads open. Now, in the minds of many sports commentators (and probably fans, too), it's time for Cleveland to pipe down and stop whining about losing LeBron. The anger should have been burned out now, because you screamed at him for three straight hours. But it's not always that simple. After all, Cleveland put their hearts into LeBron for seven straight years. By my calculations, Cleveland should be allowed to scream at him for the rest of his career and at least half of his retirement. Hell, "The Decision" just happened in July. We haven't even seen the worst of what Cleveland can do yet. Have you seen what they do to their own shit? THEIR LAKE LIGHTS ON FIRE.
Some people might think it's crazy to put that much into a person who will never even know your name, and it is. But that's how sports goes. We are so crazy about our teams that we'll tailgate in subzero temperatures. Being mad at LeBron is nothing compared to that. But that's an acceptable level of insanity. Truth is, the same level of insanity that it takes to throw yourself into a team that is only after your money is the same level of insanity that it takes to get upset with a person for leaving that team. You can't think one is okay and not the other. Yeah, it's crazy to cry because LeBron went to Miami, but it's also crazy to buy seat licenses.
I'm not knocking it, because that would make me a hypocrite. I spend money on tickets and merchandise, too. I refuse to miss watching or listening to the Falcons on Sundays, and fume like a madman if they lose to their rivals. I live or die on each basket that the Chicago Bulls make. I talk trash to people about how well "my team" is doing, like I have some kind of financial stake in my teams. Yeah, I'm just as crazy as the rest of us. But that's where people seem to think the line should be drawn. "Be happy when things are going well, but don't be upset when things go bad. After all, it's just a business."
But it isn't "just a business." Not to the fans. If it was, people wouldn't do the things that they do to follow these teams. People name their kids after sports-related trivia. People have lost friendships and estranged themselves from family over sports. People get arrested all the time because they were fighting over sports. I personally insulted everyone from the state of Louisiana last year. For God's sake, people treat fantasy football like it's a religion. It stopped being "just a business" for the fans a long time ago.
It's just that "the business" doesn't like to see the angry side of the fans. I don't understand why, because it's not like they can't sell it. Hell, anger in sports is the easiest thing to sell. Lakers/Celtics bordered on outright racism in the 1980s. People have hated Duke for no discernible reason for the last 30 years.
But when it gets to that point, suddenly, it's "too much." "The fans have taken this just a little bit too far." "Get over it, fans. It's just a game." Oh, NOW, it's just a game. When it was time to renew those season tickets, though, it's was "team spirit."
They encourage fans to "get involved" in the team. "Support your hometown heroes." They like for fans to get painted up and wear costumes, or wave towels, and all that stuff. It's good TV to see that guy with no shirt on in the dead of winter at a Patriots game. They like for fans to feel like they're part of the team. Even though that stuff is plenty stupid, too, it's all good, because everyone is happy.
Then, LeBron leaves town. And not just leave, but announces on ESPN in a primetime special that he's leaving, THEN shows up at a parade the next night in Miami. THEN acts like he can't understand why everyone's all mad. Basically, blowing off Cleveland in the douchiest way possible. Suddenly, Cleveland is just expected to understand.
Well, fuck all that. If Cleveland wants to be upset for the rest of LeBron's career (and they probably will), then they're entitled. They were told to hitch their fortunes to THAT GUY and promised BY HIM that he'd bring a title to Cleveland. And it wasn't like someone like Brad Daughtery or Gerald Wilkins said it. LeBron was someone who had the ability to actually back that up. He was "The Chosen One," because the tattoo on his back said so. He gave them hope that for once, Cleveland would be known for something other than failure in sports and the Drew Carey Show (undoubtedly filmed in California). They got emotionally invested and LeBron (and the Cavs, to be fair) made a ton of money off of that emotional investment. So when the emotions turn sour, you can't just expect people just to shake that shit off, just because it's an inconvenience to YOU. And you certainly can't deride them because they're upset.
Well, you could, but you would also be hypocrite. Especially if you're from a soccer playing nation.
Situations like this are often compared to a breakup and we don't always expect people to just shake off a break up. We put all this time and effort and yes, emotion into these relationships and when they don't work, it fucking hurts and leads to sleepless night and drinking and that dull ache in your chest and OH GOD WHY WON'T SHE COME BACK TO ME???!!!
Sports really isn't all that different, except for the fact that maybe two or three times a year, you get to see that person and tell them exactly how you feel. You can't do that in real life, because you'd get arrested. So really, what happened in Cleveland last night was kind of cathartic for them. Even though the team lost, the city got to tell LeBron exactly what they thought to his face (more or less).
What we all have to understand is that this is the way it's gonna be in Cleveland, probably forever. We can't just tell them to suck it up because we're tired of hearing about it. We can't have it both ways. We can't praise passion on one hand, then shoot it down when it gets on your nerves. They'll stop when they stop. YOU get over it.
With sports, like relationships, it's either all or nothing. And it's not like berating them for being mad is gonna make them stop. If you think that's gonna work, then you might be just as insane as they are.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Sarah Palin says "morbid obesity = freedom."
What the fuck, Sarah Palin? Who the hell bitches about fighting obesity?
It's an argument so pointless that fuck anyone who supports her on any level. Yes, I meant it just how I said it. Going the other way on an issue like that, whatever the reason, is like going against smiling. Or puppies. How can't you support children losing some weight? They're having strokes on their way to sixth period. I bet if the choices for Sarah Palin were, "support the First Lady" or "inject these fat kids with AIDS," she'd argue that AIDS would help them lose weight faster than MASSIVE GOVERNMENT OVERSIGHT. So fuck that ditzy broad.
All she's doing is avoiding talking about the actual topic, which is our national muffintop epidemic. And she's not even doing it right. If you want to complain about government intrusion in our lives, then take on a fight that makes sense, like how the TSA is trying to see us naked and touch our privates.
The First Lady isn't handing out a government mandate to ban anyone from deep frying chocolate chip meatloaf. And she's not spreading propaganda that claims that eating McDonald's is the same as swearing allegiance to Comrade Stalin. She's just making a suggestion to parents who might not know that starving their kids is probably a better food option than the Double-Down Sandwich.
Parents have to ward off negative influences that surround their kids at a higher rate than any other time in history. They have to compete with things like Lady Gaga and her meat panties, Harry Potter's Satanic Magic School (a very REAL concern!), Jersey Shore's detailed instructions on how to contract hepatitis, boys are trying to bang girls, hot teachers and Catholic priests are trying to bang boys; it's a real crazy world out there.
But when someone comes at parents with some information they can actually use, now this chick has a problem. Well, fuck you, Sarah Palin. Where was all of this concern when No Child Left Behind was failing on every level? Where was she when schools were (and still are) laying off teachers left and right? She probably didn't know about it, because her stupid ass can't read and "Waiting for Superman" hadn't come out yet.
Michelle Obama isn't out there trashing food companies or trying to sue them for killing Americans (although it wouldn't hurt if someone did). Encouraging people to stop eating before breathing becomes a difficult endeavor is in no way a negative thing, no matter how Fox News tries to paint it. If the problem is that it's someone associated with the government is saying our kids need to eat better, get over it. Two things: If it was the law to do what the First Lady said, then "Just Say No" would have worked, and second, if parents really knew what was best for their kids, we wouldn't have a generation of mini-sumo children.
Sure, some parents know what they're doing. But some of them should have been spayed or neutered well before puberty hit. Unfortunately, it's too late for that crucial surgery to take place, because now some of them have two or even six kids. If these people knew how to make positive choices for anyone, at least five of their kids wouldn't be here now. Clearly, they're lacking in that department. So the First Lady is trying to show some of them the light. She's not trying to convert anyone to another religion (although we know the secret Muslim is her is dying to do so), she's talking about fucking food.
Is it the government's job to make your kids eat better? No, but then again, only stupid people think that that's what they're doing. It also isn't the government's job to invade other countries so America "looks strong," but they do it. If your parenting is so suspect that it's threatened by a black woman who's only seen by most people through the TV, then you should probably put your kids up for adoption. Either way, she's only talking about putting down the fried ice cream sandwich burger and picking up the broccoli. Now, if you can't get on board with that, then really, what are you even here for?
Seriously, what positive has Sarah Palin brought to the world? Other than providing jokes for all of political satirists (because she is so spectacularly stupid), what positive ideas has she ever brought to the table? How has she tried to make life better for any Americans not named Sarah Palin?
By getting her untalented kid on Dancing With The Stars? Sure, Bristol got a check, but her presence made people talk about Dancing With The Stars even more than normal and that hurts America.
By adding to our catalog of terrible reality shows? All she did was expose how desperate The Learning Channel is after the Jon and Kate Plus Eight gravy train dried up.
Has she ever scribbled down an original thought that wasn't already spoken by the Republican leadership? Ever said anything that wasn't negative or hateful? Did she even write her own goddamn books? What does Sarah Palin do, other than piss me off?
Because if all she can do is sit on the sidelines and bitch about everyone else's efforts to try something different to change what's already going on, then she's no different than Newt Gingrich, Pat Buchanan, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, John Boehner, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, and all the rest of these crabby old men in the long line of people I'd like to piss on, as a show of my respect for them. And if you stand with her, you're even dumber than she is. And her level of dumbness is considerable.
In no uncertain terms, fuck that bitch. Thoroughly and completely.
It's an argument so pointless that fuck anyone who supports her on any level. Yes, I meant it just how I said it. Going the other way on an issue like that, whatever the reason, is like going against smiling. Or puppies. How can't you support children losing some weight? They're having strokes on their way to sixth period. I bet if the choices for Sarah Palin were, "support the First Lady" or "inject these fat kids with AIDS," she'd argue that AIDS would help them lose weight faster than MASSIVE GOVERNMENT OVERSIGHT. So fuck that ditzy broad.
All she's doing is avoiding talking about the actual topic, which is our national muffintop epidemic. And she's not even doing it right. If you want to complain about government intrusion in our lives, then take on a fight that makes sense, like how the TSA is trying to see us naked and touch our privates.
The First Lady isn't handing out a government mandate to ban anyone from deep frying chocolate chip meatloaf. And she's not spreading propaganda that claims that eating McDonald's is the same as swearing allegiance to Comrade Stalin. She's just making a suggestion to parents who might not know that starving their kids is probably a better food option than the Double-Down Sandwich.
Parents have to ward off negative influences that surround their kids at a higher rate than any other time in history. They have to compete with things like Lady Gaga and her meat panties, Harry Potter's Satanic Magic School (a very REAL concern!), Jersey Shore's detailed instructions on how to contract hepatitis, boys are trying to bang girls, hot teachers and Catholic priests are trying to bang boys; it's a real crazy world out there.
But when someone comes at parents with some information they can actually use, now this chick has a problem. Well, fuck you, Sarah Palin. Where was all of this concern when No Child Left Behind was failing on every level? Where was she when schools were (and still are) laying off teachers left and right? She probably didn't know about it, because her stupid ass can't read and "Waiting for Superman" hadn't come out yet.
Michelle Obama isn't out there trashing food companies or trying to sue them for killing Americans (although it wouldn't hurt if someone did). Encouraging people to stop eating before breathing becomes a difficult endeavor is in no way a negative thing, no matter how Fox News tries to paint it. If the problem is that it's someone associated with the government is saying our kids need to eat better, get over it. Two things: If it was the law to do what the First Lady said, then "Just Say No" would have worked, and second, if parents really knew what was best for their kids, we wouldn't have a generation of mini-sumo children.
Sure, some parents know what they're doing. But some of them should have been spayed or neutered well before puberty hit. Unfortunately, it's too late for that crucial surgery to take place, because now some of them have two or even six kids. If these people knew how to make positive choices for anyone, at least five of their kids wouldn't be here now. Clearly, they're lacking in that department. So the First Lady is trying to show some of them the light. She's not trying to convert anyone to another religion (although we know the secret Muslim is her is dying to do so), she's talking about fucking food.
Is it the government's job to make your kids eat better? No, but then again, only stupid people think that that's what they're doing. It also isn't the government's job to invade other countries so America "looks strong," but they do it. If your parenting is so suspect that it's threatened by a black woman who's only seen by most people through the TV, then you should probably put your kids up for adoption. Either way, she's only talking about putting down the fried ice cream sandwich burger and picking up the broccoli. Now, if you can't get on board with that, then really, what are you even here for?
Seriously, what positive has Sarah Palin brought to the world? Other than providing jokes for all of political satirists (because she is so spectacularly stupid), what positive ideas has she ever brought to the table? How has she tried to make life better for any Americans not named Sarah Palin?
By getting her untalented kid on Dancing With The Stars? Sure, Bristol got a check, but her presence made people talk about Dancing With The Stars even more than normal and that hurts America.
By adding to our catalog of terrible reality shows? All she did was expose how desperate The Learning Channel is after the Jon and Kate Plus Eight gravy train dried up.
Has she ever scribbled down an original thought that wasn't already spoken by the Republican leadership? Ever said anything that wasn't negative or hateful? Did she even write her own goddamn books? What does Sarah Palin do, other than piss me off?
Because if all she can do is sit on the sidelines and bitch about everyone else's efforts to try something different to change what's already going on, then she's no different than Newt Gingrich, Pat Buchanan, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, John Boehner, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, and all the rest of these crabby old men in the long line of people I'd like to piss on, as a show of my respect for them. And if you stand with her, you're even dumber than she is. And her level of dumbness is considerable.
In no uncertain terms, fuck that bitch. Thoroughly and completely.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Why You Should Go Vote
Everyone has an opinion about how the country should be run, except for those people who never have an opinion about anything. Those people are irritating, because if you can't tell me why you do or don't like something, then it suddenly becomes my right as someone who grew a pair to make you like whatever I tell you to like.
But if you do have an opinion, let's be realistic about how far you're going to take it. Everyone talks shit about going to Washington and kicking a politician in the nuts, but no one's actually going to do it. Not while "Dancing With the Stars" is on. Most Americans aren't even going to bother writing a letter, because why waste all that focus and concentration that can be used on "Farmville?" So since you're not going to risk drawing the attention of the FBI to be heard, why not go vote instead?
Voting is the most American thing you can do that will actually have an affect on anything. You're participating, while actually putting out minimal effort, which is what all Americans should want, being the laziest collection of people that isn't also a black or Mexican stereotype. The only thing in politics more American than that is complaining, and that the only way that helps anyone is if your goal is to be Glenn Beck.
We should all want to go vote, because no one is really asking you to really do anything, other than leaving the house for a couple of hours and standing up. That's it. No real effort. No following up on bold claims that were made or following through on promises. You don't even have to remember the names of the people you're voting for until it's your turn to vote, and if you decide that you want to remember before that point, there are usually sample ballots on the walls with their names on it. There isn't even any physical labor anymore, because they replaced the levers with touchscreens. Other than standing and walking, voting is tailor-made for lazy people to get involved in government.
Most importantly, you get something back in return: The right to complain without being an asshole. Voting is THE basic involvement in the political process, the smallest possible thing you can do to get involved. If you translated it to the real world, it's like being the itch that helps the balls get scratched. Minor and easily overlooked, but without it, the balls won't get scratched otherwise. And who doesn't like scratched balls?
So if you can't bother to do that, then no one in politics cares what you think. Not voting makes you a movie critic who got a chance to make his own movie, but passed on it because he didn't want to give up his opportunity to keep bitching at actual movie-makers.
And the argument that "Your vote is wasted because both parties are two sides of the same coin," is the argument that people make when they have no idea what's going on. First, they came up with that argument as a justification for being too lazy to even go push buttons on a touch-screen.
Second, anyone who bothers to make themselves even slightly familiar with politicians knows that they're not all the same. One side is clearly a group of elitist fascists, sworn to bring back the 1920s and the days of the robber baron, and their borderline terrorist splinter groups, the Libertarians and the Tea Party, all of which are trying to hasten to return of anarchy and/or Jesus. The other side is a group of unorganized activists who champion whatever cause was made popular by a cast member from "Ocean's Eleven." And if that doesn't get you on their side, there's always "race" and "poor people." I'd bring up the Green Party, but I want you to take my examples seriously.
It's a time-tested excuse, along with the one where they say, "Your day-to-day life won't change." Except for that 9.6% unemployment rate.
So really, if you're an actual adult, there's no reason why you shouldn't go vote. It's part of being a grown-up, like mattress shopping or giving up the enjoyable parts of your life. It won't kill you to actually go do it, because it's free and is only done once every two years. And like I said before, no actual work or effort involved. I'm just trying to appeal to you in a way that you can understand, because we all know that trying to appeal to your sense of civil responsibility has worked so well in the past. Just look at jury duty.
But if you do have an opinion, let's be realistic about how far you're going to take it. Everyone talks shit about going to Washington and kicking a politician in the nuts, but no one's actually going to do it. Not while "Dancing With the Stars" is on. Most Americans aren't even going to bother writing a letter, because why waste all that focus and concentration that can be used on "Farmville?" So since you're not going to risk drawing the attention of the FBI to be heard, why not go vote instead?
Voting is the most American thing you can do that will actually have an affect on anything. You're participating, while actually putting out minimal effort, which is what all Americans should want, being the laziest collection of people that isn't also a black or Mexican stereotype. The only thing in politics more American than that is complaining, and that the only way that helps anyone is if your goal is to be Glenn Beck.
We should all want to go vote, because no one is really asking you to really do anything, other than leaving the house for a couple of hours and standing up. That's it. No real effort. No following up on bold claims that were made or following through on promises. You don't even have to remember the names of the people you're voting for until it's your turn to vote, and if you decide that you want to remember before that point, there are usually sample ballots on the walls with their names on it. There isn't even any physical labor anymore, because they replaced the levers with touchscreens. Other than standing and walking, voting is tailor-made for lazy people to get involved in government.
Most importantly, you get something back in return: The right to complain without being an asshole. Voting is THE basic involvement in the political process, the smallest possible thing you can do to get involved. If you translated it to the real world, it's like being the itch that helps the balls get scratched. Minor and easily overlooked, but without it, the balls won't get scratched otherwise. And who doesn't like scratched balls?
So if you can't bother to do that, then no one in politics cares what you think. Not voting makes you a movie critic who got a chance to make his own movie, but passed on it because he didn't want to give up his opportunity to keep bitching at actual movie-makers.
And the argument that "Your vote is wasted because both parties are two sides of the same coin," is the argument that people make when they have no idea what's going on. First, they came up with that argument as a justification for being too lazy to even go push buttons on a touch-screen.
Second, anyone who bothers to make themselves even slightly familiar with politicians knows that they're not all the same. One side is clearly a group of elitist fascists, sworn to bring back the 1920s and the days of the robber baron, and their borderline terrorist splinter groups, the Libertarians and the Tea Party, all of which are trying to hasten to return of anarchy and/or Jesus. The other side is a group of unorganized activists who champion whatever cause was made popular by a cast member from "Ocean's Eleven." And if that doesn't get you on their side, there's always "race" and "poor people." I'd bring up the Green Party, but I want you to take my examples seriously.
It's a time-tested excuse, along with the one where they say, "Your day-to-day life won't change." Except for that 9.6% unemployment rate.
So really, if you're an actual adult, there's no reason why you shouldn't go vote. It's part of being a grown-up, like mattress shopping or giving up the enjoyable parts of your life. It won't kill you to actually go do it, because it's free and is only done once every two years. And like I said before, no actual work or effort involved. I'm just trying to appeal to you in a way that you can understand, because we all know that trying to appeal to your sense of civil responsibility has worked so well in the past. Just look at jury duty.
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