Samoa Joe sucks. Here's why.

There might be three of you out there who have heard of Samoa Joe, the Internet Wrestling Community's latest crotch to nuzzle. He's a decent enough wrestler, I guess. There's been some moaning about him almost signing with "The E (WWE)," and there's been speculation about whether or not he'd make it there. I say no and here's three good reasons why:

1. He wrestles too stiff.

2. He doesn't sell.

3. He's a bland Samoan with man-boobs.

Fact: Wrestling is entertainment. We're all grown here. I think we all know that...although I didn't want to admit it to myself, even into my teens. I mean...the suplex can really hurt someone! At any rate, the point here is, these guys are pretty big, yet they're not supposed to be hurting each other. Yes, there is some degree of pain (and I can speak on that personally), but it's not a real fight. So, either no one let Samoa Joe in on this fact or he's the biggest 12 year old the world has ever seen. This man hits people like he doesn't realize that he's in the middle of a homoerotic play-fight with other sweaty men. Now, most of his fans don't understand that shit hurts. They also don't care because they've never seen the inside of a ring and they've never had to stand there and let someone punch or kick them in the face and trust that person to not break their orbital bone. Personally, I don't see The E letting some no name Samoan beat up on all their stars like that and I don't see the holy trinity of Paul, Michael, and Mark (Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and The Undertaker) letting this guy stiff the shit out of them at any given time. Especially considering one of them has a barely working leg and plastic surgery in his nose to protect, one of them has a back held together by willpower and chewing gum, and one of them has hips so fragile that he could break one of them getting slapped on the ass at the strip club.
So, it's either change your style or forget about getting pushed, because The E isn't about to risk losing one of it's stars that its spent years building up to injury just so Joe can pretend that he never learned to protect his opponent. That's strike one.

Now...I've seen this guy wrestle a few times and never once have I seen this guy sell. Well, I take that back...he sells...like his name was Goldberg. See...one of the main points of wrestling is to make your opponent look good. How do you do that? By selling their offense. I guess he figures the best way to sell is to ignore the fact that his opponent just hit him in the face with the butt of a gun, or an axehandle. The funny thing to me is that the IWC loves Samoa Joe, even though he doesn't sell, yet when The Undertaker does it, he's an evil individual who's holding down the young talent, even though not selling is, you know...an inherent part of his character, being dead and all.

Now, do you really think that Triple H is gonna let this guy get away with no-selling his offense? How many times do you think he's going to be allowed to shrug off a chokeslam from The Undertaker? Yeah, you guessed right if you said "they'll set him up to take the fall for their steroid abuse before they let him do that." Strike two.

Lastly...now, look, I'm not saying you have to be in phenomenal shape to do this, although it helps. And Lord knows I'm the last person that should be allowed to criticize the shape someone's in, but dammit, he's just plain fat. The difference between me and him is that I know to keep my shirt on. The rolls in his man's stomach are made for drug smuggling.

Plus, he's got man-boobs. So does Ric Flair. The thing is...Ric Flair's like sixty years old. What sixty year old man hasn't begun to sag? There's only one...and his name's Hulk Hogan. And Hulk Hogan made his go away through strength, determination, and a $5500 check to Julio's Transmission Repair and Pectoplasty. So Ric Flair's okay with me. We love Ric Flair. Meanwhile, Joe's like...25 years old and engaging in regular physical activity. He's actually gained weight since he's come out. At this rate, he's going to be about 400 pounds by the age of 30. So you've got a fat Samoan with no charisma. You need to get some attention on him...might as well put him in a thong. It worked wonders for Rikishi and Yokozuna, remember? And they really tried with Rikishi...oh, how they tried. The E pushed him and pushed him, and even though he'd spent the previous two years dancing with two white guys who were a bigger embarrassment to hip-hop than K-Kwik and The Road Dogg. They gave him a huge heel push and took out all the stops...they said he hit Stone Cold Steve Austin with a car, they had him turn on his cousin, The Rock, and yet and still...no one took him seriously as a heel. You know why? Because he was a grown man in a thong, you retard.

This is Samoa Joe's WWE future. Get in shape, or else you'll have angles as stupid as Rikishi's to look forward to. And you're far more intimidating, although I can't tell if that's intensity or just a lack of charisma. That kinda stuff held Benoit back for years. And the WWE will always take a less talented guy who's in shape over a fat wrestling prodigy. That's why Chris Masters has a job and, Vic Grimes is begging for change on the side of the interstate. Strike three.

So until Joe decides to change a few things about himself, he's always going to be small time. Even if WCW was still around, they'd never let him hobnob with the stars. That's why Guerrero, Benoit, and Jericho abandoned the place. He would have been adored in ECW, but no one was making any real money there, because Paul E. sucked as a business man. That just leaves The E, and everyone changes when they go to The E. Resistance is futile. Or...you can resist, but you'll always be an Indy wrestler. And right now, Samoa Joe is probably the best Indy wrestler there is. That's not necessarily a good thing, either. Just ask Christopher Daniels.