They say you can't catch lightning in a bottle. Or is it lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place? Or even, you can grease a monkey like a bolt of lightning, but it's still gonna singe your nose hairs. I don't know what I just said, but I know this: They should have just left D-Generation X in our memories.
Two 40 year old men cannot be D-Generation X. You can't be edgy AND responsible at the same time. Or maybe you can. I don't know because I'm not responsible. But I do know that these two men can't do it.
A Christian can't be a degenerate at the same time. Well, except for heads of churches. They manage to work in being adulterers and child molesters. But when you're supposed to be working on being the best Christian you can be, you can't go around flashing your ass and playing strip poker on live TV. Well, you could, but people would call you a hypocrite and you might possibly get struck down. Apparently, God doesn't like dick jokes.
Which brings up a completely different issue: Christianity is ruining everything. Yes, I said it. Sure, Shawn Michaels has turned his life around when he was saved. But with that also went his balls. Well, his anger and arrogance went, too...but mostly his balls. And when you've lost your balls, you've lost your edge. That's how Eddie Murphy gets stuck making movies like Pluto Nash. No balls. The difference is, God didn't take Eddie's balls: his wife did, so there's still hope for him, because they still could split up. But God has Shawn Michaels' balls. And there's no coming back from that. Not without a drug habit, anyway.
What God has indirectly done (well, what God's followers have done, through clever brainwashing) is ruin one of the great comedic minds in wrestling. He also got Vince Russo, too, because a sign that says "I'd Rather Be In Chyna" has Vince Russo written all over it. What is it about Christianity that effectively neuters all comedy? Why can't they be "liberal" Christians like Chris Jericho? Chris Jericho can call a man a jackass on PPV Sunday, because he was in church earlier that day. Well, I'm assuming. He might not have had time because he had ring rats to kick out of his hotel room. But the point is, he can praise God AND lower his morals at work. Porn stars and rappers do it all the time. R. Kelly was fucking children on tape and he's pretty sure he's still going to Heaven. So if The R-uh can get in after urinating on adolescents and bragging about making off with people's children (what do you think "The Pied Piper" was all about?), then Shawn Michaels giving crotch chops shouldn't be a big deal.
Sure, he's saved his eternal soul, but he's ruining his Q rating. That's a pretty big deal in today's America.
And then there's Triple H. He's a pretty funny guy. He has his moments. But nothing screams "Blue Oyster" like Triple H's handlebar mustache. Especially when you're wearing a cut off t-shirt and your pants are around your ankles. Fabulous!
Triple H...Motorhead is not cool. Shave that shit off. Shawn...don't let him get Motorhead to remix the DX theme. It WILL suck. You're better off getting Kirk Franklin to do it. Except if you do, I WILL kill you. I hate Kirk Franklin. I do not want him in my life. Ever.
Anyway, that's what's wrong with THIS version of DX. It isn't cool. In the 90s, there were three things that epitomized cool in wrestling. The Outsiders, The Rock, and DX. And 50f the Outsiders are now perpetually drunk, The Rock is too rich to care, and that just leaves us with DX. And being a born again Christian is pretty much the anti-cool. Nothing ruins a good time like someone bringing up religion. I know this because Alex and I once were drunk and walking through the streets when we were stopped by Herman's dad who wanted to talk to us about Jesus. There was nothing left to do but sober up and go home. Didn't even want to go to that party down by the pier. We might have gotten some morality on it and ruined the whole thing.
Something else that's the anti-cool...marriage. Which both of these guys are into now. Responsibility...and, of course...that goddamn handlebar mustache. I can't say enough about it. Why don't you just wear a police outfit AND leather, ass-less chaps?
Plus, Triple H isn't always funny on his own. He played well off of Shawn Michaels back in 97. Except Shawn Michaels isn't allowed to go into the gutter anymore. And for that, I blame his wife. Because if Shawn Michaels wasn't married, he would have brushed this religion thing off as soon as he started hanging out with Kevin Nash again. Ironic part is...Kevin Nash was the one who introduced him to his wife...who was one of the Nitro Girls...and I think, a stripper. You got converted to Christianity by a stripper. If that doesn't make your religion a sham, I don't know what does.
Shawn, you can put this religion gimmick to the side for right now. It's okay. That's why they added that loophole to the deal. It's call "repentance." It's how murderers and rapists beat the system! Just put the Bible down for six months and come back to it later! God will forgive you! Trust me!
Well...don't trust me. I'm a heathen. In fact, don't listen to me at all. I'm on the expressway to Hell. My seat is already reserved. I'll be spending eternity strapped to a chair in front of a TV watching the fourth season of the Real World. And the only commercials will be for the "Guys Gone Wild" videos.
Basically, it was cool to tease us with it, because they didn't have to follow up on anything. But since they've gone full steam ahead, they're being exposed. And by "they" I mean, the writers backstage. They weren't even creative enough to steal from the old DX stuff. Instead, they stole from "You Can't Do That on Television." The next Nickelodeon show I expect them to steal from: That's So Raven. You'll know it when they start going "Oh, snap!"
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