Allen Heckard, of Portland, Oregon is suing Michael Jordan and Nike Chairman Phil Knight for $832 million because people say he looks like Michael Jordan.
Correspondents on the scene say that Mr. Heckard is also suing God for inventing the color brown and the genetics that forced him to share that color with others of his race, including his family and friends. Defendants named in this suit include, "Craig, Junebug, Sweet Lenny, Lil' Chris, and Four Corners, the local wino." "Shonda's Little Brother" had no comment.
His lawsuit states that Jordan is being sued for "defamation and permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering." Jordan dares walk around looking like this guy that he, or anyone else on the planet, doesn't even know. Apparently, being the most famous person on Earth is causing this guy all sorts of mental anguish. And he's not gonna stand for it anymore...after already living with it for the 24 years that Jordan has been in the public consciousness.
Should Jordan lose here, expect a flurry of similar lawsuits, including those from his children, his mother, and a series of less successful siblings.
And Phil Knight is getting sued for "defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the world's most famous athletes." I, for one, agree. Phil Knight should not be able to get away with using this company to ride the Jordan Gravy Train to Profitability-Land. The nerve of this guy, trying to increase visibility for this corporate brand by attaching it to the biggest sports star ever. It makes me sick to my stomach, this...engaging in free enterprise. And damn that Jordan for his competitive drive that made him the best ball player on the planet! It was Jordan who made this fiendish plot come to fruition!
That's right, it is my personal belief that Jordan and Knight sat down all those years ago and planned to mildly irritate this man. Jordan decided to undergo plastic surgery to slightly resemble Mr. Heckard, if you squint your eyes and turn your head to the light. Knight decided to promote Jordan beyond all reason, regardless of whether or not Jordan turned out to be any good. In fact, the current life story of Jordan that everyone believes is a lie. Michael Jordan was really a homeless man Phil Knight found sleeping in his driveway one morning. He shaved him down and taught him to speak. The rest is history.
So, kudos to you, Mr. Heckard. Kudos for having the balls to stand up for what you believe in. And apparently, what you believe in is that no one should be able to profit off of looking like themselves, because someone who looks like them after a couple of shots of 151 and a head injury, might get offended.
And kudos for doing it while wearing a pair of Air Jordans at the time of this interview. Juevos, Mr. Heckard. Massive juevos.
And how did he arrive at the amount of $832 million?
"Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that's what it all boils down to."
I couldn't have said that nonsensical statement any better myself.
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