I Can't Believe I Rented It - Superman Returns

The following might be offensive to gay people. Just know that it's nothing against you, I really just don't like Bryan Singer. That is all.

"I didn't know it were possible for one movie to suck the balls of another until I saw "Superman Returns." Actually, it shouldn't surprise me that this movie had that ability, judging by the alleged ball-sucking skills of its allegedly homosexual director, Bryan Singer. Allegedly."

Those were my original thoughts as the opening credits rolled across the screen. Okay, so my thoughts read like I was writing them for a column. So what? The point is, I was judging the movie before it got started. And let's face it, it's hard not to do that the movie can't get through the opening credits without ripping off a movie from 1977.

And I knew Bryan Singer was going to do it. I knew he was going to reuse parts of the original score and I knew he was going to reuse Marlon Brando's voice, being a huge fan of "Superman: The Movie," but I don't understand why. I loved those first two Superman movies as much as the next guy, but not enough to where I would actually copy parts of that movie and put them into my 2006 update. And if I worked for Warner Bros, I would be wondering exactly what the hell he spent $200 million dollars on. Maybe he spent it on male strippers or a special lens to look longingly into Brandon Routh's eyes from afar, because it certainly wasn't spent on originality.

Or entertainment, for that matter, because unless I misjudged how entertaining Superman being a stalker could be, this movie was pretty damn boring. Whether he was watching Lois in the elevator or looking through the walls in her house, this was a creepiest Superman I have ever seen. Since Bryan Singer was so intent on "tweaking" the costume, he should have just given him a dirty trench coat with a "S" on the back.

Congrats on being the only Superman to make me uncomfortable, Brandon Routh. I hope you're proud. I know you worked hard at making me shudder at the fact that a man can watch me use the toilet from space.

As far as the rest of the cast, I'm probably just nitpicking, but I don't like my Lois Lane to be childlike and full of life. This had to be the most generic Lois Lane, ever. Jimmy Olsen, while probably thoroughly bullied throughout school, looks like he was allowed to keep his lunch money, and ate six more lunches a day to celebrate. Kevin Spacey portrays Lex Luthor as a man that couldn't startle me even if he snuck up behind me dressed in the creepy Superman trench coat.

I guess my main problem with this movie is not because it's poorly written or that he tried to shoehorn things in, because that's not the case. My problem is mostly that it was goddamn boring, but also because I simply don't agree with some of his choices of direction. I guess Singer just preferred having a dopey Lex Luthor instead of one that people would, I don' t know…actually take seriously. And since I didn't go to film school, I never learned the rule that said, "Through Brando, all things are possible. You are nothing without Brando." After all, he was so invaluable the first time. Then again, what do I know? I'm not the director.

I mean, if I was the director, I would have made sure I had things like action in my action movie. But because he was so focused on that fantasy about tonguing down Brandon Routh's muscular chest, Bryan Singer actually forgot to add things like tension, excitement, and confiict to the movie. He might have gotten so lost in the dream that he thought he was actually on the set of "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman," because I don't think Superman punched a single thing during the whole movie. That would be kinda like Bryan Singer not dreaming about Brandon Routh's crotch. Not a day passes by where it doesn't happen.

In the end, the whole thing played out like The Hulk: In both, the title character had maybe 20 minutes of total screen time and the rest of the movie was a bunch of relationships between characters I didn't care about. Listen, if I didn't care about Cyclops in three X-Men movies, what makes you think I'm going to care about him in this one? You know what would have made me care? The part where he tried to kill Lois with his optic rays for letting him believe that was his kid for all these years. That part had to get edited out so we could get 30 more seconds of watching Superman get shot in the face in slow motion.

I swear, gay people really need to stop making superhero movies. I'm just saying. Between Joel Schumacher, Bryan Singer, and whoever invented "Captain America: The Musical," the gays haven't had a really good showing here. If I wanted to see a dry ass love story, I would have just watched Attack of the Clones or something with Meg Ryan in it. On second thought, I think I'm probably going to have to defend myself against gay people pretty soon. Gay people, you probably shouldn't have read this.

Really, this just wasn't a good movie. I see why no one wanted to go see it and I would have had to start a full-fledged South Park riot if I had seen this in the theater. Milkdud, you should have warned me. I'll watch something else while I'm trying to figure out how many bare chests and tubs of chocolate sauce $200 million dollars can buy.