Hating

If you play some music for me and I say I didn’t like it, that’s not hating. I just didn’t like it.

If you’re a 300 pound woman trying to squeeze into some clothes that aren’t made for any woman over 140, and I don’t think you look the least bit cute, that’s not hating. That’s your inability to dress appropriate to your size.

If you do something stupid, and you and I both know how stupid it was, don’t call me a hater for pointing it out. You knew it was stupid when you did it.

Stupid people in 2008 have confused the meanings of the words “hating” and “disagreeing.” They’ve also confused “hating” and “constructive criticism,” “hating” and “I don’t like it,” and “hating” and any contrary opinion to anything. So in 2008, I’m a hater when I say “Even if I had it, I wouldn’t spend $1.3 million dollars on a 16-year-old’s birthday party.” My own girlfriend said this about me. She may or may not have been joking, but needless to say, we have vastly different views on parenting.

As I always understood it, “hating” is when one is irrationally obsessed with tearing down another person. They don’t have real reason for talking about the person, but they do it anyway. It’s like when women say things like “That bitch think she cute,” or when guys say things like “fuck nigga,” even though I have no idea what a “fuck nigga” is. To me, it just sounds like people are just randomly throwing together cusswords. Look for this trend to continue with “cunt damn” in 2009.

But hating has nothing to do with just being mean to people anymore. People have become so sensitive these days that any little thing you say is considered hating. I don’t like the “Mayfield Milk” logos all over your car, so I’m a hater? Have you even considered that your car just looks stupid? Why do you even care what I think? I’m not infringing on any freedoms of yours or anything like that, so why are you being so sensitive? Yes, you have the right to wear pink t-shirts or your jeans around your knees, but I also have the right to say that you look like a girl or that you shit on yourself. It’s a free country.

I don’t know when or where this phenomenon got started, but it’s probably just an offshoot of political correctness, which is defined by the Tony Majestic Imaginary Dictionary as “a societal mechanism instituted by guilty white liberals that requires that nothing negative is said about anyone, anywhere, ever.” When political correctness came on the scene, the world must have been high on something, because it seemed to have forgotten that no one who defines themselves as a “liberal” can kick anyone’s ass, anywhere, ever.

Whatever the reason, it took hold and suddenly, all forms of off-color comedy where shunned by everyone except angry white men, who seem to enjoy being bigots and racists. It’s why Andrew “Dice” Clay was living in a box on the side of the freeway and playing hole-in-the-wall clubs until VH1 gave him a reality show that asks the question, “Is there anything that washed-up actors won’t do for money?” Now, everything has to be family friendly and non-offensive and everyone has to pretend to be all-inclusive, even though they know they really want to say “Can’t they bathe all of the Indian people before they let them into the country?”

And so, even asking a valid question about the differences between us is considered politically incorrect, which sucks for you, because I’m still going to ask why the Mexicans can’t learn English before hopping the fence. Everyone’s so touchy about everything. Instead of just saying, “I don’t know” or “I don’t give a shit what you think, fuck nigga,” they say “you’re infringing on my civil liberties, and the courts should force you to make a public service announcement to make sure that no one ever says or does that again.” Well, excuse the hell out of me, because I thought my civil liberties included being able to stand next to people on the bus who didn’t smell so bad that it made me want to throw up.

The problem is that everyone is emotionally weak. People have taken things away from us, like the word “no,” or bullies or beating our kids, all of the things that teach us the proper way to react when someone says to us “I don’t like gay people.” You’re supposed to either agree or disagree, but in today’s world, you lobby to file legislation to insure that no one ever thinks about thinking those words again, issue pamphlets to educate people on the hurtfulness of those words, and force the offending mouth and brain to donate $10,000 to GLAAD. And let’s not forget the most insincere of public apologies, the kind that only prove that the speech writer owns a thesaurus and knows how to find the part that gives other ways to say “bad.”

None of these measures ever solves anything, because no one ever listens to groups like GLAAD. The only people who listen to GLAAD are other gay people, and they don’t need any convincing, because they’re already gay. Groups like these only serve to make everyone think that they’re special and deserve to be treated in a special manner, apart from everyone else. And I’d hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s nothing special about you because you enjoy swallowing the next man’s dick. I know a ton of girls who enjoy doing the same thing. But by treating everyone this way, one, it takes away from people who are dealing with legitimate injustices and two, it allows people to never learn how to deal with real problems.

Now, I know that gay people do deal with some real things, but shouldering the burden of gay jokes shouldn’t be one of those things that federal dollars need to be spent on. The offensiveness of gay jokes isn’t quite the same thing as immigration reform. And really, if gay men (because lesbianism is pretty much accepted nowadays) want to do something to prevent gay jokes, they should stop making themselves targets of them. I can handle the fact that you want me to poke you in the shitter. I get that, and honestly, I don’t blame you. But that doesn’t mean you have to express this feeling to me while wearing permed hair and glitter makeup.

So when I reject you (and not because of the glitter, but because I’m not gay), how you handle that will let me know if you grew up in a world where GLAAD told you that I should be more accepting of your alternative lifestyle by letting you suck me off, at the very least. If you just say, “No problem,” and go look for someone else to pump you raw, then we’re cool. But if you sit in your room and obsess over the rejection for weeks before going into a building and shooting at everyone, I’ll know that you were brought up in a PC-world. I wonder how many dicks those Columbine kids sucked before putting those trenchcoats on?

And that’s the level of sensitivity that has infected the black community. As we know, black people don’t do things the same as everyone else. We put our own spin on it, before white people homogenize it and sell it to the rest of the world. That’s all that the word “hating” is: The black version of political correctness. We’re surrounded by overly sensitive black people whining and crying about being “hated on,” when someone should have told them that naming your kid “Moskinika” isn’t a good idea. Sad thing is, you can’t tell if that’s a real name or if I just made it up.

But when I tell you that your kid’s name sounds like they should be running from the cameras on “COPS,” that’s not hating. That’s my way of telling you that I think you made a poor choice of names. It’s your choice to name your kid whatever you want, but it’s my choice to tell you that your kid is likely to need therapy for all the pointing and laughing that the other kids are likely to inflict upon them. I hope little Moskinika deals with it better than you have, but since you’re so quick to call me a hater, I don’t really have a high expectation that she will.