Hating all your favorite stuff in long form essays since 2004. Follow @ThadOchocinco on Twitter.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Why should Gitmo detainees scare me again?
Can someone help me understand why I should be afraid of the Guantanamo Bay detainees possibly getting into an American prison? On the list of things I'm currently worried about, this one ranks somewhere in between "Spiders crawling out of my penis," and "Dr. Doom's nuclear policy." The idea that I can freely bang female inmates is way more frightening.
I just think that the Republican Party and it's media arm, Fox News, are just looking for ways to be critical, because if they had shown this kind of concern about whether or not President Bush was reading all of his memos, Guantanamo Bay probably wouldn't even be an issue. They can't actually be concerned about what could possibly happen inside of a federal prison.
I could see the problem if they were trying to transfer Gitmo detainees into a daycare center. That might be a problem. They're not asking Americans to move them into their basements, like they're quartering troops. They're going to be in a secure prison with other dangerous criminals, and if the locals aren't worried about serial rapists and child murderers being in their "communities," then why are they so worried about enemy combatants? I don't remember hearing about anyone leaving Kansas because "Michael Vick was too close to my dogs."
See, the stupidity of this argument is making people to forget the true nature of prisons. For one, they suck. No one goes there looking for a good time unless they're a sexual deviant of some sort. Second, they're generally far from regular people. It's not like they'll put a SuperMax prison right next to a Super Target, even if the names are similar. Third, they do actually lock the doors, the walls aren't made of bamboo, and Barney Fife doesn't work there.
I understand that there's always the risk of someone escaping, but that's the risk for every criminal that's locked up in prison, and a lot of them want to kill Americans, too. I don't see anyone advocating sending them to Cuba.
That's the thing: There are a lot of dangerous people in prison, which is why they're locked up and not walking free and drinking the blood of the innocent. It's not like the Gitmo detainees are more dangerous or supervillains. If they were trying to transfer General Zod from the Phantom Zone to Leavenworth, I can see how that might be a problem. The Gitmo detainees can be raped and shanked just like everyone else, and unless they're kept separate, a few of them probably will be. We're Americans, and our scum is just as deadly as anyone else's. Unless they've mastered spontaneous megaton exploding, I think things will be fine.
Let's say that one of them did escape. Do you really think that the first thing on his mind will be "exacting retribution against the Zionist War Machine who oppress the warriors of Allah?" Fuck no, stupid; he's either trying to keep a low profile or get back to his homeland, and unless Allah taught him how to fly when he was at Guantanamo, he won't be doing that second one. He probably doesn't know where he's going. He probably has no contacts and he has no money. That combination of qualities doesn't add up to "eminent threat against the United States."
If you're no more afraid of our own low-moral criminals, then you should be fine with these. And I'm fine with them being sent to the completely empty prison in Montana that I just saw on CNN. If the two laid-off guards are so worried about them escaping before they get there, and terrorizing the 183 people who actually live in Montana, then I guess you better make sure you stay extra vigilant.
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