Old News: A Review of the Mayweather/McGregor Fight Eight Days Later

People still seem to be really invested in the idea that Conor McGregor get credit for standing in the ring with one of the greatest boxers of all time, but that's kind of stupid, considering these people aren't big on participation trophies the other 99% of the time.  CM Punk took up the challenge of stepping into the Octagon and they've been laughing at him ever since.  So I'm not willing to listen to that crew when it comes to giving people credit for just getting in there.  And apparently, neither is Floyd, because you're a fucking fool if you think Floyd is about to reciprocate.

And I'm not really going to give Conor that much credit for how he performed, because for a guy who's boxed before, he looked to me like a guy that was just gonna muddy this thing up and hope for the best.  And clearly, he was excited for his huge payday, because he couldn't stop showing Floyd his appreciation during the fight in the form of exuberant hugs.

But you can't tell Conor's fans that he wasn't in the fight.   To let them tell it, he controlled the early rounds and had a puncher's chance to win, like aggressive fighters don't get knocked out all the time.  And he fought like believed it, though, because he was just throwing shit out there, and doing random shit, changing directions, in an attempt to trick Floyd.  Like Floyd hasn't fought a clueless amateur before.  Sometimes, he wasn't even throwing punches, just touching Floyd's face.  I bet there's audio of Conor saying "boop" every time he touched Floyd's nose.  Conor looked like a guy that didn't know what he was doing, which is illustrated by the fact that Conor couldn't stop trying to suplex Floyd.  No, the truth is, Floyd controlled that fight from the opening bell.

I mean, it's not like you have to watch a lot of Floyd Mayweather fights to get a feel for how he fights, and I wouldn't recommend watching him a lot, anyway, unless you're trying to induce narcolepsy.  Personally, I've watched three fights that I remember, and one of them (Shane Mosley), I was so fucking drunk.  There's no clever description of how drunk I was, either.  I was just drunk, yelling at a stranger across the room about how he was scoring the rounds.  Fred, if you're out there, bless you and your wife for listening to me babble until I was sober enough to drive.  I still didn't know how to drink like a grown up in 2010.

So that's roughly two and two-fifths of his fights that I was sober enough to process, and that's enough to know when he's taking the fight seriously.  Say whatever you want about how he ducked fighters, when he was in the ring, he was all business.  Yeah, him and Pacquiao were fucking decrepit when they finally fought, but you could see on Floyd's face that he was there to end the talk about this rapidly deteriorating semi-pro basketball player once and for all.  When Shane Mosley rocked him early in their fight, the look on his face said that he wasn't gonna let some dude with light eyes and an S-Curl take him out.  Conor McGregor never once got that look from Floyd Mayweather, because Floyd knew he didn't have to try.  The looks Conor got from Floyd ranged from "mild indifference" to "bemused."  It probably took all he had not to laugh once he saw Conor's strategy of randomly changing directions.  And I gotta say, it was funny as hell watching Conor try that and get punched dead in the face anyway.

And that's why Floyd didn't bother with his shoulder rolls, and that's why he kept going forward.  He could have treated this like a real boxing match, but for what?  He wasn't fighting a real boxer, and honestly, Conor probably would have done better not trying so hard to box.  But acting like Conor McGregor was a serious competitor in this is really doing a Conor a disservice, because you're about to convince this dude that he can do it for real and get put to sleep by somebody who's younger and hungrier.  Shit, Floyd almost did it and he wasn't even trying.

We weren't watching a competitive boxing match; we were watching a boxer spar with a guy trying to box.

And in that context, Conor never stood a chance.

It was nice knowing Herschel Walker

Former NFL star Herschel Walker, 47, has signed with MMA organization Strikeforce. I always thought that Ric Flair would be the first man I ever saw die in the ring, but it looks like it'll actually be Herschel Walker. Apollo Creed didn't learn his lesson, either.

Herschel Walker, who retired in 1997 because he was beat the fuck up, didn't catch on when Charles Barkley said that "you don't get better when you're retired." Maybe one of Herschel's other personalities heard Charles and neglected to tell him. But he'd have to be crazy to consider this move, because who retires from a violent contact sport after a long and injury-filled career, waits 13 years, then starts a career in a more violent sport? He's not putting on the pads again to get tackled, he's stepping into the ring with people who are going to actually punch him. In the face. Hard.

Sure, he's into martial arts (he competed in tournaments in college and is currently a fifth-degree black belt in tae kwon d0), but I wouldn't have recommended this to him while he was in his prime. I don't even watch MMA all that often and I can tell you that guys with that kind of fighting background don't do all that well in MMA. It's all about wrestlers, because all those jump kicks don't mean shit when a guy is on your back.

Speaking of wrestlers, people instantly started comparing the whole thing to Randy Couture, because he happens to be 46. Some key points, though: Randy Couture also happens to be getting his ass kicked a lot more (lost 5 of his last 9 fights), Randy Couture is a wrestler, which has allowed him to last this long, and Randy Couture isn't in his first fight. People were critical of Kurt Angle's rumored move into MMA at 37, and he's an Olympic Gold Medal winning wrestler. And Herschel thinks he's gonna take the MMA world by storm? Get the fuck outta here. It doesn't take long to get exposed as a joke in MMA. Just ask Kimbo Slice.

Chuck Liddell is 40. He's lost four of his last five. Ken Shamrock is 45 and has lost eight of his last 11. Tank Abbott is 44 and lost 7 of 9. These are once great fighters, getting smacked the fuck up. Shamrock and Abbott aren't even fighting against top competitors anymore, although to be fair, did Tank Abbott ever count as "great?"

People used to ask Goldberg about starting in MMA, too, and he was smart enough to give the following answer: "I'd love to, especially if I was 21 or even 29, but these guys are so far ahead of me in terms of experience." And that's not saying Goldberg can't fight, but Goldberg knows his limits. Bill, talk sense to your Bulldog Brethren. It's easy for tough guys to think that they can do it until you realize that a highly trained fighter is about to blast them in the face with the meathook attached to their wrist. They're not fighting crazy drunks anymore, although I'm sure Tank is willing to sign on the dotted line.

Then again, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, because this is a sport that put a limbless man in the cage just a few months ago. For those wondering, he didn't win.

Some might say that Herschel is being brave by opening a new chapter of his life in this fashion; that it takes guts to do what he's doing. I don't know who those people are, but they probably all work for Strikeforce. They'll wipe their tears with the proceeds of the DVD of his debut fight.

Is that why he's doing it? For the money? After all, people accused him of this when he wrote his book about having multiple people living in his head, while never showing any outward signs of multiple personality disorder. I'm not saying that everyone who has it turns into a screaming green giant, but come on. Someone should be backing up that story. But his "crazy" dovetails nicely into his joining a sport where you have to be no less than halfway out of your fucking mind to get into. Look, Herschel, if it's for the money, you don't have to do this. We can take up a collection or something. Times just can't be that hard.

Dana White, for all of his dickishness, is completely right to rip Strikeforce for this signing. People can say all they want about letting Couture or Liddell continue to fight, but those are experienced fighters, and he practically forced Liddell into retirement since he's gotten older (and started taking more beatings). They're not making their debuts. And to let Herschel Walker start fighting in their rings at 47 is a black eye for the sport. This isn't George Foreman winning the heavyweight title at 45. This isn't the event that's finally going to put Strikeforce on the map.

I mean, unless something goes really wrong. I'm sure their execs will be okay with that, too.

Surprise: Limbless Man Loses Fight

Look, I'm all for the rights of the handicapable to live out their dreams. I firmly believe that they can do whatever they set their minds to. And like most people who haven't replaced their hearts with a cast iron furnace, I'm a sucker for a feel-good story about a guy with no legs who ran a marathon or a kid with no hands winning a Madden tournament or something like that.

But sometimes, the effort to be inspiring goes a bit too far.

Kyle Maynard is an aspiring MMA fighter who has no arms or legs past his joints. The word is, he was a pretty good wrestler in high school, but since there's no real money in professional amateur wrestling (mostly because there is no such thing), Maynard decided to do like all amateur wrestlers are doing these days: Become a shootfighter.

Since the state of Georgia wouldn't issue him a license (state regulators were quoted as saying, "Be serious,"), that only left fighting in a state that singlehandedly makes the case for federally mandated education standards: Alabama. They don't regulate MMA there, because it takes time away from NASCAR.

Basically, to make a long story short, Maynard lost his fight to Bryan Fry, a guy who, while most likely won't ever make the big time, was at least smart enough not to get down on all fours and wrestle Maynard. And to drive home the complete professionalism in this fight, the cage was set up in an open field, with people just standing around and watching.

I'm not going to make fun of the guy, because if I had acheived all of my dreams in life, I would be writing this from my platinum toilet on a NASA computer that I had installed in my bathroom. No one should be allowed to take away your dreams. It's just that someone needs to be there to let the dreamer know that his dream is insane. A limbless cagefighter is about as realistic as expecting radiation to give you superpowers. You can give it a shot, but the humiliating results are only going to relegate you to "YouTube Superstar" status, at best.

I'm pretty sure that Kyle Maynard isn't the only disabled person who wants to be involved in MMA, just like I'm pretty sure that none of them stand a chance against a real MMA fighter. And that has nothing to do with their skills, heart, or anything like that. I say that because the other guy has both hands and feet. That's going to give him an awfully distinct advantage.

So instead of trying to break some sort of imagined barrier for the handicapable, why not just fight against other people who don't have hands? It least then, it can be legitimized and you run less of a risk of getting exploited by greedy fight promoters, like I'm sure you did here.