Criticize the President? No, that NEVER happens...

Where did the idea come from that no one was allowed to criticize the President? If you're actually not allowed to do it, then I can't tell, because that's all I hear about the President these days. Fox News is a sworn enemy, right-wing radio hasn't let up, Texas is trying to secede and there is an actual pastor praying to God that the President will die. But no, the White House is trying to take away freedom of speech.

It's not like it's 2002, when any criticism of "President" Bush got you labeled as "unpatriotic." I haven't seen the Obama Administration do any tarring and feathering like that. But why let a legitimate question ("Wait, what did Iraq do again?") stand in the way of maintaining favorable poll numbers?

But we'll just go ahead and say that criticism of the President wasn't allowed. But what is allowed is completely fabricating stuff and passing it off as fact. You can't go wrong there, because the average person doesn't worry about how credible a person is, which is why Wendy Williams has a television show.

We live in the internet age, where millions of people have blogs, just like this one, where we can tell people anything at all; from the "unsubstantiated reports that President Obama is actually Michael Jackson in disguise, and that's why Michael had to fake his own death," to "Swine flu is spreading AIDS, and that's why we need border control." And people will believe it, because we used a professional looking font. "I wasn't too sure about it, until I noticed that Times New Roman. Looks just like Cronkite."

So no one cares about truth. If they did, more people might question Rush Limbaugh when he says something like this:

“If homosexuality being inborn is what makes it acceptable, why does racism being inborn not make racism acceptable?” the talk show host asked. “I’m sorry — I mean, this is the way my mind works. But apparently now we don’t choose racism, we just are racists. We are born that way. We don’t choose it. So shouldn’t it be acceptable, excuse — this is according to the way the left thinks about things.”

If people cared about truth and fact, or even coherence, someone would have asked Rush Limbaugh what the fuck he was talking about. Thanks to my own research, I discovered that 100% of people he just made up were the only ones saying that racism was inborn, and this "left" that he's talking about never listens to them. Everyone knows that the "left" is always reading "liberal books" from those "gay elitist doctors," and all of them said long ago that racism was a learned experience.

Something that ridiculous could only come from someone who never finished high school, because it sounds like some shit that two guys drinking in the alley would make up. Then, they'd stumble into the barber shop and swear that "Clem said he saw it happen." Just like that, it's a fact, and none of those pesky "facts" were involved in the process.

What set Limbaugh off on that tangent about nothing was the hidden agenda that President Obama is making black people attack white people, because mind control is one of his Secret Socialist powers, genetically engineered by Muslims in Kenya to bring down America. Note to Fox News: If you're going to pass that paragraph off as news, make sure you give credit to ME, as the person who made the whole thing up.

Anyway, there's a video circulating of a black kid beating up a white kid on a school bus and the black kids are standing around cheering, which is something that has never happened outside of a boxing ring in America. Witnesses, or "people who were there," say that the fight came out of a disagreement about seating and was not racially motivated. Rush Limbaugh, who at the time of the fight, was anywhere else but at the fight, said this:

“I think the guy’s wrong. I think not only it was racism, it was justifiable racism. I mean, that’s the lesson we’re being taught here today. Kid shouldn’t have been on the bus anyway. We need segregated buses — it was invading space and stuff. This is Obama’s America.”

"You put your kids on a school bus you expect safety but in Obama’s America the white kids now get beat up with the black kids cheering ‘yeah, right on, right on, right on.’ Of course, everybody said the white kid deserved it he was born a racist, he’s white."

And this guy is in no danger of getting his show cancelled. Yeah, no one's allowed to criticize the President. Not only are eyewitness accounts not good enough for this guy, but somehow, he brought up someone that no one was even talking about. How bitter do you have to be to tie everything that goes wrong into racism AND the President?

This shit never happened to Bush. People who didn't like Bush were very clear about why they didn't like him: He was the dumbest President in history and managed to steal an election. Not only was he wrong, but being outwitted by a complete idiot really stings.

But President Obama? Not only is he cleaning up Bush's messes (of which there are many), not only does he have Glenn Beck saying he's racist against white people (like his mother), or Michael Steele saying he's racist against BLACK people (what the fuck?), and a Socialist Revolution to get off the ground (whoops! I meant "free guns and Bibles!"), now the skyrocketing number of school bus fights in 2009 is his fault, too. Because Obama becoming the first black President is making black people feel good about themselves, so naturally, they're gonna start beating on white people. Of course. It couldn't have had anything to do with the chairs on the fucking bus.

Look, if you're going to claim that "no one can criticize the President," then maybe you shouldn't spend ALL four hours of your radio show not only criticizing him, but fabricating things about him. If no one's allowed to do it, then he must be really bad at enforcing it, because I don't recall hearing about his Gestapo taking anyone away for "protective custody." I mean, you're kind of killing your own argument. At least among people who have two brain cells to rub together.

More than a "fringe" movement

Sometimes, there are movements that can be considered "fringe" movements, desperate to be taken seriously, yet usually calling themselves by ridiculous names. The 9/11 Truthers. The Birthers. The Flat Earth Society. PETA. Fans of "Twilight."

But right now, there's a movement against our democratically elected President, and it's filled with a hostility I haven't seen since about, oh...fourteen months ago, when people realized that a fucking junglebunny Sen. Barack Obama could actually become President of the United States. Monica Lewinsky's oral skills didn't get people this upset.

It defies logic. They've accused him of not being an American. They've said, "He's not like us." They've said that he's a socialist, a secret Muslim (as if that's a bad thing), openly racist towards white people (like his mother and grandparents), and most recently, a flat-out liar. And if that's not enough, his wife was called a "monkey." Then it's justified by people saying, "It's no worse than what was said about Bush."

If it was just politics, I think I could understand it, even if I don't agree. But it isn't. This is about race, plain and simple. It's to the point where white people are the main ones saying that it's about race. You know it's bad when that happens, because white people are always skeptical about these kinds of things. I know a white person who still think that the police who shot Sean Bell probably had a good reason, because she can't imagine that the police would do something like that. When it comes to matters of race, white people tend to be behind the curve. Black people should thank God every day that the video camera was invented.

Thing is, all this hostility against the President is being characterized as being a "fringe" element, just a handful of whackos who are operating far from the mainstream. Why, look at the 47 people nationwide who attended the first tea parties.

I don't think it's a fringe movement anymore. After all, now you've got people disrespecting the President in the halls of Congress. While he's talking. On television. The true colors are coming out and they aren't just kooks with tin helmets and misspelled signs outside of the local courthouse. These people are elected officials, backed by an organized network of supporters, funding, and a functioning media arm.

And they're not worried about being frowned upon, because they've found that they have supporters, not only in their communities, but in the halls of power. Sarah Palin was governor of Alaska and a Vice-Presidential candidate and she's talking about death panels. Almost every elected official in South Carolina has said or done something crazy to disparage the President's plans. Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas, is trying to secede from the Union because of this. This isn't exactly your local militia who keep guns and money buried in the woods in case the government turns against the people.

This IS the government.

And on top of that, you've got a church leader praying to God that the President dies. Sure, it's just a storefront church, but whatever he's saying is working. Is it hateful? Sure it is, but all that means is that there's a lot of hateful people out there. They just don't live in the backwoods of Alabama anymore. Now, they're working in office buildings alongside the rest of us. Claiming that their country has been stolen. That they don't recognize it anymore.

Of course not, because it's multicultural, not monochromatic. You gotta read between the lines. We know what you're getting at.

A few years ago, some of us would joke about how some white people were secretly racist. How they'd say one thing and do another. How they'd try to be our friends and smile in our faces, while calling us "nigger" behind our backs for speaking out. Or "angry black man or woman." Like we couldn't see through that fake smile.

They knew all the right things to say in public, but behind closed doors, they'd say how they really feel. And that's nothing new. We all do that, because I'd be lying if I said I never talked badly about white people. But we believed that white people couldn't stand for a black person to be on top. That having a black person explain something to them burned them up. In our minds, white people hated the idea of a black person that was higher up the food chain than they were. They hated more than anything, having to call a black man "Mister." Felt like hot sauce was coming back up their throats to have to do it.

We always kept that to ourselves, though. We didn't tell white people about our theories because we never knew what kind of white person we were dealing with. Some white people were cool about everything. They understood that there were still race problems in America and that black people had a clearly different perspective on these things that needed to be heard.

Then, there were the ones who can't understand why they can't say "nigger." And thanks to all of this open anger and hostility, we know which is which. If you work with a white guy who took off to go to one of these rallies, you probably don't need me to tell you this, but don't try to date his daughter. His rebel flag tattoo will be the last thing you ever see.

That kinda guy is in a position of power now. He's probably got a radio show or a newspaper column, just saying all the right things to incite more anger. And while, ten years ago, there were whites who might have agreed, but never would have associated with them, they're standing united, publicly in 2009. They've spent the last decade reveling in their bigotry on websites and message boards, safe in their anonymity.

They're bold now, because they're supported by politicians and media forces who, ten years ago, never would have legitimized such a movement, despite their personal feelings. Now, they realize that there's money in being a bigot. And the people too unafraid to let their real feelings be known see that there's others out there just like them. They're like kids who think they want to fight, but no one wants to throw the first punch. But once it's thrown, though...all of a sudden, they're crazed cage fighters.

They want to fight back now, because the commute to the suburbs has gotten too long. Because NOW it's a problem that our country is in debt. NOW, borrowing money from China is a problem. NOW, we can't mortgage our children's future. NOW, we have to verify that the President is really an American.

They're all coming out of the woodwork now, determined to turn back the clock. "They've gone too far this time!" But not because of health care reform, fears of socialism, or any other the other half-ass reasons they've thought up on the fly. It's because a black man is President.

You think they're gonna be okay with that? They never got over having to call their black boss "Mister."

Supreme President-For-Life Obama Wants Your Kids

Okay, so a guy who goes from nothing to the Oval Office thanks to education. That guy, who is currently the President, wants to share the benefits of education with his country's youth, so they can possibly do what he did. Millions of kids around this country would benefit from such an experience. No matter who the President at the time might be, something like that would be inspirational for someone. Even Richard Nixon inspired Arnold Schwarzeneggar's political career.

But because it's THIS President, the President that they never wanted, that they've fought on everything from health care reform to beer and condiment choices, it is a problem. That's the only way people can have a problem with a guy who wants to speak about education. "Don't read books, Mary, because Barack Obama is a socialist."

They're worried about the President brainwashing their six year old kid into joining "Obama's Thought Police and Re-Education Brigade" and taking up the cause of socialism. I'm just using their example...and I will continue with that when I point out to them that the oldest that their kid will get while Obama can possibly be in office is fourteen, when he will still be unable to join the military.

Even if he formed the "Youth Brigade" and came in the night for your children, the soonest he could get that off the ground, assuming he gets re-elected, is what? 2013? Remember...this is the inept government. The IRS is a bloated drain on resources, remember? These guys can't do anything right. Remember...six month waiting lists in the hospital for government run health care? How do you expect them to create a fighting force from our own lazy, unruly kids in time enough for him to see it and use it before he leaves office? You can barely get your kids to even go outdoors, and you think the President will trick them into taking over the nation?

You people are retarded.

He's not going to brainwash your kids, people. He's just gonna tell them to read books and stop playing so much XBox. Is that really such a bad thing? If you want brainwashing, go watch "Jesus Camp." I'm more afraid of that than I am of anything this President's gonna say.

Besides, the same people complaining about this are the same people who bitch about black people and our non-existant morals. Yet, here we have a black President who might inspire some of our black youth to stay on or get back on that positive path. We need this President to do what he's doing so our kids don't keep thinking that intelligence is a "white thing." So, I see this whole thing as positive.

Even when we had our last President struggling to get through "My Pet Goat," before spending the next 11 minutes pissing himself on 9/11, it was still a good thing, because that's a moment that these kids will remember forever. And that President was a self-proclaimed idiot. He told the world he wasn't a "reader" and people in his cabinet told us that he preferred the Cliff Notes version of everything, from domestic issues to terrorist threats. At least THIS President is an intellectual. Our kids need to see that and truthfully, yours do, too.

Your kids are just as dumb these days. I see them out in the world, or online, butchering the English language or making YouTube videos that are just compilations of people injuring themselves. Your kids could benefit from a story like his, too. Your kids could benefit from his words. They're about three degrees away from a book burning rally, because words are making them "too smart." But you don't see that because you're too busy calling him a "socialist." I appreciate your restraint, however, because you and I both know what you really wanna call him.

Just shut up and stop trying to turn everything into a political thing. The President just wants to try to inspire some kids to make something out of themselves, not plant the seeds for "Chairman Obama's Glorious Revolution of American Socialism."

"Birthers." Even their name is stupid.

In 2009, people can say whatever crazy shit they want to and get on the news, so keeping in that spirit, I think Harry Truman's presidency should be revoked, because I don't even acknowledge Iowa as a state. I demand that Soledad O'Brien interview me, live and in person. With baby oil.

I'm not going to pretend that I've never been caught up in a good conspiracy theory, because no one was able to explain how Tupac got those Jordans months before they came out. But at the same time, I was 18, and teenagers are all full of stupid ideas, like how pulling out keeps girls from getting pregnant, or that their dreams can still come true. I think we're all allowed a few crazy ideas at that age, because the hormones haven't quite settled down yet.

But when you're in your 30s and 40s, reality shouldn't have just set in, it should have caused a drinking problem. Time travel isn't real, the secret coven of leprechauns haven't taught us magic, and you're never going to walk on to an NFL team. The dream is over. Your brain has finished firming up and there shouldn't be any new ideas working their way in there, like accepting Black people as President.

I guess that's the only way I can explain a movement like "The Birthers" actually taking hold. The other explanation I have is, these people are fucking stupid.

Some conspiracy theories, I can see why they keep going. 9/11 was never adequately explained to some people and the whole thing was overseen by Bush and Cheney, the most secretive administration in my lifetime. They look like they're hiding something. The JFK Assassination will never die until the extradimensional aliens outside of our realm of perception confronts us with the evil that infects our world. And who will ever forget the National Enquirer showing Elvis visiting his own grave in 1992?

But if your whole argument is that he wasn't born in America and they take the time to acknowledge your little fringe lunatic group by making the damn thing available to everyone on the internet (because if it's there, it's gotta be true), and all you can say is, "it isn't real enough," then fuck you, because you don't want an answer, you want confirmation that your crazy ass was right.

For the record, my birth certificate also says, "Certificate of Live Birth." People who read books take that to mean "birth certificate," but I see how the preposition and adjective can confuse you. I've seen a fake birth certificate. His isn't one of them. If it was, anal computer nerds would have come out of the woodwork, like that time "60 Minutes" got busted for putting the wrong font on those memos that said Bush tried to get out of his National Guard service. More people than just the barely literate would be on this.

So just be glad you're on TV, because you never saw the government lend credence to the 9/11 theorists, and you're way crazier than they are. Not only that, no one who likes having credibility never even says the phrase, "denying the Holocaust" unless their applying it to some racist who just shot up the place. Just be glad with what the attention you've already gotten, because the crazy movements before yours never got this far. As conspiracy theories go, you've hit the mainstream. All of the other ones are jealous little girls when they look at the "birthers."

What's funny is, these are the exact same people who had nothing to say except "suck it, Gore!" when Bush stole the first election. It's not even a conspiracy theory. It actually happened and has been documented that all of the votes were never counted and the Supreme Court crowned Bush as President. You're not doing this to defend the sovereignty of America, because your boy won. So what's this really about?

As much as I would like to say, "it's because you're racists who can't stand having a Black Commander-in-Chief," I won't, because apparently, it's no longer okay to accuse people of racism, even when it's clearly happening. It's almost like racists are doing like Jewish people do when they accuse everyone of anti-Semitism for being critical of Israel. So if white people call Michelle Obama a "monkey (like it's outside the realm of possibility)," the second Al Sharpton speaks up in protest (because you know Al's gonna have something to say), he gets accused of "playing the race card."

But, it's not like folks have ever asked any of the other Presidents to prove they're from America. Just this one. I can relate to that. It's like being asked the prove why you're driving a certain car or in a certain neighborhood. I'm not saying it's a race issue....I'm just saying.

I won't get into that, though. Since the "birthers" can't have a racist among them (they just CAN'T), we've gotta come up with a new reason why they hang onto this (along with the "secret Muslim" schtick, "closet Socialist," and "He's not like us,"), which brings me back to my original accusation...these people are fucking stupid. It's becoming interesting watching CNN anchors dance around calling them this on live TV. I put my money on Rick Sanchez slipping up. That guy is on the EDGE, just one bad day away from "Rick Smash!"

These people would have to be stupid to believe a conspiracy theory that far out there, because everyone knows that the Learned Elders of Zion handpick our Presidents decades in advance, and I don't see them overlooking a detail like him actually being from Kenya. That's why they're "learned." But, if it's that big a problem, just want three to seven years, and the problem will eventually correct itself.

The Dream Fulfilled?

I like to believe that Martin Luther King, Jr. was a smart man, despite the fact that he hung out with Jesse Jackson. And that's why I can say with all certainty that Barack Obama's election is not the fulfillment of his dream. I'm pretty sure the man was thinking on a broader scale than political office. His speeches were filled with all sorts of talk about equality and "the promised land." I'm proud and happy about the progress we've made in his country as a race and I'm proud and happy that Barack Obama was sworn in today as President. It's truly historic and monumental and whatever glowing platitude that anyone can attach to it. I just can't believe that the "promised land" that MLK was referring to is located at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. For one, we're not all going to fit inside.

Lots of people have been all over the news today, claiming that Dr. King's dream has been fulfilled and that we have reached the "promised land." All due respect to Dr. King, because he was a stronger and braver man than I'll ever be, but he wouldn't be able stop that talk the way it needed to be stopped if he was here. There's only one time in life that I'll claim that I can say something better than Dr. King and that's right now: Everyone who saying that we've reached the "promised land" needs to cut the fucking shit.

In 2007, we were marching in Jena, LA over trumped up charges against six black teenagers. In 2007, Genarlow Wilson was in jail because he got some head from a classmate two years younger than he was. In 2006, an unarmed Sean Bell was murdered by police on his wedding day and all of the police got off. Three weeks before this very inauguration that we're celebrating, Oscar Grant was laid face down on the floor and shot by a transit cop. Stuff like this doesn't happen in the "promised land," because people are generally happy there and that stuff makes people sad.

When Dr. King was talking about the "promised land," he was talking about a time when electing a Black President won't be any more newsworthy than electing a white one. He was talking about a time when we won't talk about things like "education gaps" or "earning gaps" or "the race card." He was talking about a time when it won't be "us vs. them."

It's not going to be a perfect world, because we'll always have challenges, but the challenges will be more along the lines of repelling the alien armada or trying to reduce speeding violations among jet-pack users, not trying to explain to white people why they can't use the "n-word."

But, large groups of white people did elect a Black President. That's an accomplishment in itself, seeing as how it wasn't that long ago that white people were still lying to pollsters about that sort of thing. A lot of people look at this past election as proof that we've acheived Dr. King's dream. I look at that same election as proof of how far we still have to go. After all, look at the racially based campaigning that the Republicans did. And look at how effective it was. A lot of people bought into it. If we were where we truly needed to be, not only would it not have worked, but they wouldn't have done it to begin with. How quickly folks rely on the divide between the races to win elections is a sign that things just aren't right.

So let's just keep everything in perspective. Big, glowing, historic day that we'll all tell our grandkids about? Yes. They're already partitioning chapters of future history books that contain complete reprints of Obama's books, complete with letters that are actually made of unquenchable fire. The end of the journey for racial equality? Not even close. A proud day, but the struggle continues...

Random thoughts during the inauguration

Screw LeBron James; We are all witnesses to Barack Obama.

But first, we had to wait. Because in an homage to his people, the entire inauguration started late. Aretha Franklin got out there and extended a song by three minutes, as only Black people can do. 12 noon. Barack's Presidency had officially begun, but he hadn't been sworn yet. What's he doing? He's sitting outside, listening to music and working on his tan. Hey, Barack! You're on the clock! We ain't paying you to enjoy yourself! You need to get back inside and fix something! I swear...just like Black folks. Always trying to steal company time.

It was a nice song that was playing, though. I don't remember the name, but it was by John Williams, the guy who scored "Star Wars."

Dick Cheney was shown getting pushed around in a wheelchair. They claimed that he had hurt is back, but I believe that the evil in his soul has actually started eating his body from within.

Did anyone else notice that Bill Clinton still looks salty?

All through this broadcast, they kept cutting off Soledad O'Brien. Don't worry, baby; I was listening to you.

The few times that they showed George W. Bush during Obama's speech, he almost looked jealous of the reaction to Barack; like he couldn't understand why people didn't do all of that for him. For one, it rained during your inauguration, didn't it? Second, half of the voters didn't just vote against you, they vehemently opposed your existence. During your time in office, you didn't do anything to heal the wounds; in fact, you went out of your way to twist the knife. If not for the very real chance that the Secret Service would make people disappear, you would have spent the last seven years ducking shoes, instead of that one day in Iraq. Barack's inauguration is what happens when people like you. That, and when you're democratically elected.

But, as far as the speech went, it was another banger. Has he ever given a bad speech? That's another good thing about Obama replacing Bush: We no longer have a President who openly battles the words in his own mouth.

And to close, there was a poem. Apparently, no one in America likes poetry, because the CNN mics picked up people saying, "Piss break!" and "Aw, shit. I'm gonna go start the car." It was sort of an awkward moment watching the poet (I missed her name) look out at a crowd that didn't give a crap who she was and what she was about to say. That crowd was clearing out so fast, you'd have thought there was riot police beating people. And CNN kept showing the crowd during the poetry reading, perfectly capturing the collective apathy that Americans have towards poetry. Me, I was picking the price tags off my used DVDs.

After the whole thing was over, Obama walked Bush to the back door and put him on a helicopter to...I don't know where the hell he was going. But it looked like he was politely rushing to put him out, like a relative that you don't really care for. It's the end of an era, though. They should have brought out some midgets to sing a rousing chorus of "Ding Dong, the witch is dead."

The time is now 1:00. Barack ain't signed no papers or brought no troops home or nothing. You know white folks are counting the minutes, Barack. Just pretend like you're working before they try to fire you.

1:03. He's signing stuff now. He remarked that he was told not to steal the pen. He knows. Oh, yes...he knows.

Barack Obama was sworn in, put the old President out, then went back inside and held a luncheon with all of Congress. CNN showed split screen of the luncheon and Bush arriving at the airport. There's something funny about that. They couldn't even let him hang out and eat before they put him on a plane.

But now, the Bush-Cheney Presidency is finally over, eight years later than it should have ended. You won't be missed, except by the world's comedians. Few administrations have made a mockery of government like this one. No more Cheney, inventing branches of government that don't exist. No more Rumsfeld, randomly pissing people off. No more Karl Rove, unless you watch Fox News (and you shouldn't). No more Condi Rice taking it on the chin for Bush. Welcome, President Obama. The Daily Show is going to have a rough time making fun of you...but then, that's why you picked Joe Biden to be your VP, isn't it?

Congratulations, America: Our President is no longer a boob.