Transformers: Ass Pain From Beyond the Stars

I just have to get this out there: Stop trying to ruin my childhood.

Hollywood clearly has a vendetta against me, because they keep trying to kill any positive memory I have of my life before the age of adulthood. They were some pretty good times, from what I remember, and for the most part, I was happy. Why, Hollywood? Why would you want to take that from me?

The latest death strike against my happiness was called “Transformers,” which must be Hollywood-ese for “attractive people doing stuff with flashy camera angles.” It was a movie that I wasn’t asking for and probably could have gone the rest of my life never wanting to see. I already saw the Transformers movie, back in 1986. It was called “Transformers: The Movie,” and it came out at a time when the word “Transformers” still meant “giant robots that punch each other.” I was tricked into seeing it by four so-called friends who swore to me that it was awesome. But it wasn’t, and I hate you all. Don’t let me see you in the street.

The movie, despite the extremely leading title, was really about a boy named Sam who was a budding huckster with no ties to his family, because for most of the movie, he was trying to sell off valuable family mementos so he could buy a car for himself. And one of those mementos was a pair of glasses that the hapless Autobots would need to find the thing that created their entire race. Meanwhile, the Decepticons were using their natural robotic gifts, like hacking into computers and killing things, to reach the same goal. I wouldn’t doubt it if the Decepticons had spent the last million years giving the Autobots swirlies and stuffing them into lockers, because if the Autobots couldn’t figure out that they were also highly advanced robots that could talk to our primitive computers, they deserve to lose.

But, because they had the humans on their side, led by Sam the Invincible, the Autobots triumphed in the end. Lucky for them that everything landed on Earth, so their weak-kneed leader, Optimus Prime, could lean on the broad shoulders of Sam Witwicky. Good thing they didn’t land on the Planet of the Apes or the place where the Klingons live, because Prime would have been in SO MUCH trouble. By God, Sam doesn’t live on the Planet of the Apes.

It really is just that bad. There isn’t a single thing that the Autobots can accomplish for the entire movie without Sam or some other human holding their hands through it all. Maybe all of them should have transformed into short buses, because there wasn’t a robot among them who wasn’t almost fatally retarded. I swear there was a part where they had to call poison control because Bumblebee couldn’t stop drinking Drain-O.

And that’s what I don’t like about this movie. It’s about the damn humans. I said a year and a half ago that if I wanted to see movie about humans doing stuff, I’d watch damn near anything else, because when a Transformers movie comes out, I want to see giant robots punching each other. This sort of approach works if the evil thing looking to destroy mankind isn’t interesting (like an asteroid), or can’ts speak for itself (like Aliens or Predators) but the Transformers written properly have more personality than the half-developed human characters that make up this movie. There’s the hot chick who can fix cars, there’s the black guy, there’s the socially awkward nerd, there’s the mean military guy. You’ve seen these characters in other movies, and they were probably also directed by Michael Bay.

But not only do they manage to make giant robots uninteresting, they make them generic and unable to be told apart. I’ve put together more exciting movies with the toys in my room. The best part is when Six-Shot stops humping Barbie, then scolds Batman for being a child molester. Little boys in speedos hanging around with reclusive billionaires can’t be a good thing.

There was a scene in the movie where the Decepticons start attacking the Autobots, and there was a pause in the action for almost a full minute because we had to watch the hot chick and Sam make eye contact and reach for each other. In the middle of a battlefield. With missles and giant robots flying overhead. Because when you’re surrounded by world-ending destruction, you might as well try and get some first. And when the shit’s going down and there are arms and heads and shit flying all over the place, who actually needs to see it, when you can see the blossoming romance between Sam and his stroke-material?

When they actually did give the robots screen-time, most of it was taken up by Bumblebee and a robot that transforms into a clock radio. Clock Radio (because they couldn’t be bothered to give him a name) was clearly inspired by some of the Star Wars droids, because not only was he one of the few robots who did ANYTHING without human assistance, he made all sorts of cute bleeps and bloops and bounced off of walls and stuff. He was kind of like an evil R2-D2.

Bumblebee was Sam’s car who loved Sam so much that he looked 20 years into Sam’s future and saw that he was never getting laid. Because Bumblebee couldn’t pleasure him without violating the laws of nature, he decided to try to get him some from the hot chick. Why was he named Bumblebee? Because there had to be a character named Bumblebee. And because making him a Volkswagen Beetle like he was in the cartoon would have made his name make too much sense, they made him a Mustang and hoped no one would notice. Then, they made his robot form look like a bumblebee. Problem solved.

And where is it written that all black people in movies have to be loud, full of jokes, and able to dance? I swear, even the black robot fit that description, and couldn’t make it through his introduction without cussing and break dancing. Luckily for us all, he was killed, filling in another requirement for black people in movies: the black guy always dies. Normally, this would upset me, but since he was the proof that cooning even takes place amongst the stars, I took it as a mercy killing.

Well, what about the CGI? Because after all, that’s what we came to see, right? It would have been good if they had allowed you to actually see it. There were times when they were standing around and talking and that looked okay. But when the fights started…because the robots themselves look so plain and indistinct, you just get a blur of metal pieces every time the robots fight each other. That’s right, the last 30 minutes of the movie looked like a spin cycle with metal shards in it.

Overall, this movie was just an extreme letdown. You’d think that a movie that was about giant, shape-changing, robots from another world that hate each other and fight would have been enough, but when your name is Michael Bay, you have to add flashy camera tricks, jokes, and a scene where The Autobots have to hide in Sam’s backyard so his parents don’t see them. Yeah, as ridiculous as it sounds to hear about 30 foot tall robots that shake the ground when they walk trying to hide in a residential area, imagine having to sit through it. Optimus Prime breaks something and says, “My bad.” Oh, the comedy gold!

As a result of the tinkering, my worst fears were realized: A shit movie where the title characters became background players was released to the world. And people have been led to believe it was a good movie, and as a result, I was led to believe that I should see it. A movie about cybernetic beings from beyond the stars who have been waging war on each other for millions of years, and yet when they get to Earth, they become so inept that they have to depend on a 17 year old nerd virgin and the cool kids from your high school to survive. Because if “Transformers” taught us nothing else, it’s that the world can only be saved by the attractive. Jesus Christ, this is what Michael Bay has spent $200 million dollars on.

Look, I really tried to like this movie. I gave it a chance. I really did. I knew it wasn’t going to be anything Oscar-worthy, or even Tony-award worthy, but maybe if Michael Bay put as much effort into making his movie as I did into liking it, we’d all be in a better place right now. Instead, with the combined effort that we both put forth, neither of us accomplished what we set out to do.

Bring on the Underdog movie, so I can go ahead and drink that cup of bleach and end my suffering.

Pacman and Rashard

Adam “Pacman” Jones was pulled over for having the wrong plates and insurance information on his orange Lamborghini in Nashville. I think Pacman Jones has truly lost it, because clearly he’s forgotten that he’s black. Let’s recap:

Pacman Jones is black.

Pacman Jones was driving an ORANGE LAMBORGHINI. In Nashville.

When you meet the first two qualifications, you should just go ahead and EXPECT that you’re going to get pulled over at some point. I can’t imagine that any cop in NASHVILLE is going to see an ORANGE LAMBORGHINI with a young black man behind the wheel (and when you’ve had as many run-ins with the cops as this particular black man, you’d expect them to know your face by now) and not decide to pull the car over. Is it right? No, it isn’t…but it should be expected, which is why the last part should never happen…

Pacman Jones was driving the car with the wrong plates and insurance information.

And that’s why he deserves to be called “stupid ass” to his face. Why couldn’t he pay someone to make sure he doesn’t do dumb shit like switch the plates from another car onto his ORANGE LAMBORGHINI IN NASHVILLE? Like they’re not going to run the plates of an ORANGE LAMBORGHINI IN NASHVILLE! It’s not like that’s a common car to see on the road anywhere in the world. It’s probably safe to assume that if the cops see one at all, they’re going to run the plates, even if you’re white. You know how rare it is to see one of those on the road?

See, Pacman…aside from the fact that you’re a grown man who lets people call him “Pacman,” just the fact that you keep getting caught up is just another reason why you’ll be sitting at home for the whole season. You’ll be lucky if they even let you come back. Hopefully, you’ll use this free time to better yourself, or smarten up a little. Because if you can’t figure out that strippers will actually try to keep the $80,000 that you’re showering them with, or that police are likely to stop an ORANGE LAMBORGHINI IN NASHVILLE, perhaps you don’t deserve the blessings that you’ve been showered with.

The Orlando Magic are going to start paying Rashard Lewis $126 million dollars. And that’s why the Orlando Magic aren’t going to compete for a championship anytime soon. They just made the dumbest big-money signing of the decade, even worse than the Celtics locking up the otherworldly talents of Brian Scalabrine.

They won’t teach Dwight Howard any post moves, and they’re actually paying Rashard Lewis $126 million dollars. This guy wasn’t the best player on the last team he was on, and he won’t be the best player on this one. He scored 50 points in a game against the Clippers three years ago and suddenly, everyone believes this guy is an elite player. Lemme tell you about Rashard Lewis. I’d rather have Corey Maggette, and Maggette wouldn’t have the audacity to ask for anything more than $10 million a year.

Hell, Tony Delk scored 50 points in an NBA game. Willie Burton scored 50 points in an NBA game. I don’t see anyone looking to give them $126 million dollars. Probably because no one knows who they are.

In the age that we live in, The Information Age, regardless of what the official record says, there will be thousands of witnesses who will report what they saw, oftentimes in direct contrast to the official record. Why do I bring this up? Because the NCAA has vacated all of Oklahoma’s wins and stats from the record books for the 2005 season. A couple of players working at a car dealership is what caused this to happen. They broke the rules and Oklahoma is punished. Justice is served. That’s all well and good. But doesn’t the NCAA understand the futility of vacating wins from the record books?

Even before the internet, I thought things like this were stupid, because if I was at a game that was “vacated” I don’t care what the records says, what I saw is what happened. While my opinion ultimately doesn’t matter, in this day and age, the internet has allowed that singular voice to band with others and become far more vocal (and more annoying). Too vocal to be ignored, which means that the wins that the NCAA doesn’t recognize will still be recorded and remembered. So what was the point?

Steve Francis has been paid $30 million dollars by the Portland Trailblazers to go away. I don’t know if one should be hurt by that or go celebrate. I mean, he just got $30 million dollars to go away…but on the flip side of that, someone was actually willing to pay him $30 million dollars not to show up. What does that say about you? How screwed up of a person are you when someone’s willing to give you enough money to buy a small country just to stay away from them? Most people just get a restraining order.

The First Black President

Should Barack Obama become president (either this time around, or in the future), I want the asses of anyone who calls him “the first nigga president” kicked. Hard. I’ve never met the man, but he seems like a good guy and someone above being called a “nigga.”

Yeah, he might do it behind closed doors and he might let his friends call him that, but publicly speaking, just don’t do it. Whoever the first black president winds up being would instantly be vaulted into the upper echelon of black leadership. He (or she) would join names like Martin and Malcolm, historically speaking. I just think that someone who would be so important to black people would be too good to be called the same thing that you’d call the wino outside the liquor store or the guy you just caught trying to steal your car.

I know it’s going to be funny to comedians to call him or her “the first nigga president,” because that joke really killed when Bill was in office. You can almost see the jokes writing themselves. Cedric told most of them on “Kings of Comedy.” And a lot of comedians are going to brush off their old Bill material and adjust it to apply to whoever the first is. And that’s all good. Just don’t call him “nigga.” He deserves better…

…unless he proves to be a complete embarrassment to the presidency in general and black folks in particular. Then and only then, will it be okay to call him a “nigga.” Let’s face it, if you get caught getting high behind the White House or start going to state functions drunk, that’s pretty much how the word should be used. There’s no defense for you at that point. I mean, if you’re acting like a nigga, I guess we might as well go ahead and call you one. The first time you show up at the White House in anything with chrome rims or try to replace the Secret Service with your entourage, the first words out of my mouth are going to be “this nigga here.”

So let’s make a deal right now, first black president. I promise to get as many people as I can not to call you a “nigga president (white folks not included),” and you promise not to try to turn “state functions” into “cookouts,” or get in any fights with foreign leaders for stepping on your shoes. Let’s both do our part not to embarrass our race. Starting with you.

Conservative Equals Asshole

Is it written somewhere in the Conservative Pundit’s Handbook that you have to be a dick at all times?

Whether it’s Tucker Carlson, Ann Coulter, or the entire roster of Fox News, it seems that it’s embedded in the DNA of the Conservative to be as unlikable as possible at all times. But conservatives seem to like it, so that says more about their fan base than they probably intended to put out there.

Of course, they say that they’re just being tough on “liberals,” and that they can’t take the heat. What the hell does that even mean? “We’re just saying what the liberals don’t want you to hear!” Apparently, being in conservative media means falling back on the old high school stand-bys: beating up nerds, shoving kids into lockers, and generally being a douche to anyone who’s not in your circle of friends.

Along with the general douchery is the added benefit of being a xenophobe. To be in conservative media means that you must paint the picture of being under attack at all times and creating a general atmosphere of panic and fear around you. “If you don’t support the President, the terrorists win!” “All forms of media, except for Fox News, are controlled by liberals!” “I heard that Mexicans live off of the blood of babies.”

Of course, the first one only applies when there’s a Republican in the White House. I doubt they would have supported Clinton so strongly, had he been President during these times. They wouldn’t even support him when he was getting head from his interns.

As far as this so-called “liberal media” is concerned, I’ve rarely even actually seen it. I’ll admit that there are times when the New York Times has reported with a clear bias, and the same with the Washington Post. But that doesn’t mean that every media outlet not named “Fox News” or anything that doesn’t have the words “conservative,” “right-wing,” or “Hannity” in the title is “liberal.”

I’ve been watching CNN closely for the last few years, and I can say this: CNN is not “left-leaning,” or “liberal.” They’re just NOT “right-leaning.”

I used to think it was because I was a “liberal” that I never noticed any of this “liberal media” all around me. I figured that because I had been brainwashed by all their tree-hugging, hemp-smoking, godless, abortioning, gay-sex, animal saving, that I just couldn’t see the truth in front of me. Then, last night, while looking at a billboard with Sean Hannity’s face on it, I realized that wasn’t true. Mainly because I’m not stupid.

First thing I realized that I’m not a “liberal,” whatever that means. Second thing I realized was that these so-called “liberals” get on my nerves just as much as “conservatives” do. Because while I do think we should stop cutting down so many trees or consider our effect on the environment just a little bit more, I don’t think that I should be offended when someone kicks a puppy on TV or throw paint on people who wear fur. I don’t support opening the Mexican border and throw my hands up in support of amnesty. I didn’t know that the protection of refugees and the government support of people who are simply abandoning their country were the same thing. I don’t think that everything that references God should be edited for the delicate sensibilities of about 250 atheists. These “liberals” are fucking crazy.

And if there was truly a “liberal media,” all of this stuff would be plastered all over the news all the time. Other than the occasional newspaper story, I just don’t believe that there is a “liberal media.” But when I turn to channel 37, I can clearly see that there is a “conservative” one. Thy name is Fox News. And on this “Fox News,” just about every show contains an asshole with an agenda to trash anyone with an opposing view point. The one “liberal” I ever see on there is the weak-willed and nerdy Colmes who’s only on “Hannity & Colmes” to be beaten up on by the jockish loudmouth, Hannity. God, I hate Sean Hannity.

Does anyone ever say these things about Wolf Blitzer? Does anyone out there hate Anderson Cooper? Paula Zahn? That guy on the Situation Room? Anyone? One more thing I can say about these guys: They don’t interrupt or cut off people who present an opposing viewpoint.

Wow. Civilized discourse and the open exchange of ideas. What a novel idea. But you’ll never see it on Fox News because it goes against the company-wide mandate known as “dickishness.”

An open letter to PETA

Dear fuckos,

The word is starting to come out that Michael Vick is unlikely to be indicted on dog-fighting charges. Should this event come to pass, I would just like to suggest that you apologize to this man for demanding that he be released from all of his endorsement deals (and his contract with the Falcons) without even waiting to see if he was going to be formally charged, let alone convicted of anything.

I’m tired of you, PETA. I’m tired of you going around bothering people over things that may or may not even be a big deal. This isn’t to say that Michael Vick couldn’t be guilty or that I even fully supported him during this time. But, I didn’t go door to door trying to get him booted out of places that have nothing to do with dog-fighting, or any sort of animal. The Falcons are the Falcons in name only. There aren’t really any birds on the team.

It just seems like you guys put the interests of animals in front of the interests of humans. I can understand wanting to protect those who can’t protect themselves, and I support that. I don’t think you should be allowed to kick puppies or put cats in the dryer, but I do believe that cow-tipping is funny. I don’t agree with hunting for sport, but I do believe that the idea of hunting being a humane practice is the most ludicrous thing I’ve heard of since PETA came out.

(Yes, hunters will tell you that hunting is humane, because it keeps the animals’ numbers manageable. Allegedly, it keeps them from being hit by cars or run over by tractors when developers come to town. And it’s better for you, because it keeps deer from wandering into your yard to eat your garbage. So next time you see a deer get hit by a car, just keep in mind that it would have been better for this creature that it was shot in the neck with a rifle instead.)

But there’s a line that should be drawn. And demanding that a man be fired from everything for dog-fighting has to be on the far side of that line. You need to rein it in some and be realistic about your goals. Because while animals have a right to life and deserve to be free from abuse, at the end of the day, they’re still animals and a few of them are going to end up on my plate. They call that the “food chain” and it’s a natural thing, whether PETA wants to believe it or not.

Thank you for your time, and please consider not being so damn annoying in the future.

TM

Cynicism and Scooter Libby

Scooter Libby's not going to jail? That caught me off guard about as much as the sun coming up or Britney Spears being caught outdoors without hair and/or panties.

How cynical have I become when I'm not the least bit fazed that our openly corrupt president has commuted the sentence of one of his friends? And not just any friend. It was the friend who ratted out the name of one our own spies. I know I'm not that smart, but I'm pretty sure that's a national security issue. And since I don't have any friends that can get me off from a charge that should have seen me on the business end of a firing squad, clearly I'm not sucking the right dick.

I guess it just shows how little faith I have in our system, when we have a president who tells us that we can expose spies without fear of jail time, or any real punishment (because when you're rich, what's a $250,000 fine?). But only if you're a friend of Bush or Cheney. And that's how I know he has money, because who ever heard of a Bush hobnobbing with the common folk? He doesn't understand the language of people with short money.

Hell, Cheney barely even acknowledges people in general. And whenever he does, he's probably telling us something about how he doesn't have to answer to the American people or "I'm not really a part of the Executive Branch." You know, the kind of stuff that makes a mockery of our government. How has someone not shot this man yet? Do I have to do everything?

I suppose I should take solace in the fact that the trial of Scooter Libby was even allowed to take place. And there's something to be said for the fact that not only was the trial completed, Libby was sentenced and they actually used to words "jail" and "Libby" in the same sentence without adding "not going." It was kind of like the ending to "The Usual Suspects," where they pretty much telegraph who Keyser Soze is, but at the last second, make you disbelieve that you know what you thought you already knew, before throwing what you knew right back at you. If that didn't make any sense, that's okay, because neither is the fact that Scooter Libby is still a free man.

And it doesn't end there, because there's still the off-chance that Libby could end up getting completely pardoned. And if that happens...I would like to believe that there would be some sort of outrage. But no one will care. Most people don't even know this has happened. Hell, if the riot I predicted for three-dollar gas never came true, I doubt that people will even notice that another Bush-boy got off. Karl Rove is pretty much bulletproof and he's far more slimy. Scooter Libby is just Dick Cheney's latest fall guy.

Kinda like how Greg Anderson took the fall for Barry Bonds. I'm sure there's a few million sitting in a bank somewhere for both of them.

Who Are You Voting For?

No, I'm not voting for Barack Obama.

No, I'm not voting for Rudolph Giuliani.

And I wouldn't vote for Hilary Clinton, even if you told me that Bill could legally be her running mate and showed me a way to off Hilary at the inauguration and get away without a trace. I might miss my shot and we'd be stuck with her as President.

I'm not voting for any of those guys who've already declared on the Democrat or Republican sides. This isn't a sudden decision. I've thought on this since before the 2004 election. I had intended to do it then, but I had a moment of weakness leading up to Election Day, where I bought into the partisan hackery that calls itself "The Mainstream Media." Next thing I knew, I was pressing the Kerry button over at the DMV on Memorial Drive.

And a wasted vote was cast. I won't be doing that again this time.

It's got nothing to do with politics. Well, not the politics of the individual candidates. I mean, when John McCain isn't saying something stupid, I like the guy. I don't hate Giuliani nearly as much as I thought I did. In fact, in another time, outside of New York, I might have voted for him. And as far as Barack Obama goes, I've got an unnatural man-crush on him. I haven't felt this way since The Rock delivered his first "roody poo candy ass."

But I can't vote for them because they're Democrats and Republicans. I don't roll like that no more. I'm tired of the two-party system and I can no longer support it anymore. It's time to open up the field and actually have a real presidential race, where the views of the actual average American can be represented. Because regardless of what Fox News might tell you, there are more sides to America than the Liberal Left and the Conservative Right.

Most Americans are actually somewhere in the middle, but because most of us have...I don't know...things to do, the only ones who have time to scream from their soapbox are extremists and rich people. I would say bloggers, but for the most part, no one is listening to bloggers.

So when it comes to extremists, they have sided with the Democrats on the left and Republicans on the right. Now, I know most of us aren't extremists and almost none of us are rich. But the power lies with those two parties. Well, where is a logical-thinking person supposed to turn when it comes to politics?

The only choices are, keep laying our hopes and suggestions at the feet of Big Politics, or start supporting someone else. And that's what I'm doing. In the last round of elections, I voted for everyone who didn't have a "D" or an "R" next to their name. Did I know these guys? Not all of them, but who really knows everyone running at the local level? I was following the Libertarians who were running for a few of the higher offices, but outside of that, I was just pressing buttons.

Someone might have some bad things to say about that, but in previous years, I did the same thing, just for Democrats or people who hadn't publicly embarrassed themselves. Speaking of Democrats, they wound up taking back the majority in Congress. Good job for them. We all know that they didn't so much win the Congressional elections as they did have the foresight to not call themselves "Republicans."

Going back to the Libertarians, I had done a little reading on them and from what I can tell, these are the people we should be supporting. These are the people who aren't on the fringes of the left (PETA, The City of San Francisco) or the right (Halliburton, Corporate America, The Dark Lord Satan). These are the people that represent the views of the average American. There is no party line. They seem to be a variety of people with a variety of views. Just like all of us. I don't think there is any one politician who embodies all of the views of any one person.

Except maybe Jesse Ventura, but he's not running.

But why don't we hear much from these people? Well, there's the problem. They don't have the money. They can't afford to throw their opponents under the bus in their ads. They have to spend the money they do have on things like getting their political message out there. And as we all know, that's no way to win an election.

Well, how do they get more money? I'm glad I asked. If a third party gets 5% of the Presidential vote, they get electoral funding for the next election. That's it. So because I'm so tired of voting for the flip side of the same coin, I'm gonna vote Libertarian instead. While I know that a Libertarian candidate has slightly less of a chance to win the election than Adam "Pacman" Jones has to stay out of handcuffs for the next calendar year, my one vote gets them just a little bit closer to that magical 5%. Let's face it, my vote doesn't affect the electoral votes at all in Georgia and unless the next President has a brilliant idea to completely crash the stock market and start a war with the rest of the Middle East, my quality of life isn't going to change that much, regardless of who gets elected. I might as well vote in a way that I truly believe my vote will matter.

Vote Third-Party. Maybe Libertarian, maybe Green. Maybe Constitutional. Just not Democrat and not Republican.

TM

What Have You Done With The Real Isiah?

Smart trades, good draft picks, even some semi-tolerable coaching. Isiah Thomas, it's like I don't know you anymore.

For the last three years, there have been two men in sports who were the easiest joke for a sportswriter to make: Matt Millen, General Manager of the Detroit Lions, and Isiah Thomas, General Manager of the New York Knicks. And after years of providing ammo for hacks like myself to craft diatribes around, Isiah's not taking it anymore. Matt Millen, on the other hand, seems to enjoy the abuse that he gets.

I really don't know what's gotten into Isiah. I still don't think he's that good of a coach, but since he's become the Knicks' coach, it's like his front office skills are taking a big boost. It's almost as if, through actually having to coach the team he assembled, how crappy they were.

And since he realized that there was no conceivable way that Jalen Rose, Steve Francis, and Stephon Marbury were going to be able to play in the same backcourt (not without the NBA changing the rules to allow more than one ball on the floor), he's almost like a brand new person. All of a sudden, he's not a complete embarrassment to anyone whose last name is "Thomas."

Let's look at his accomplishments since he ran Larry Brown out of town: Through a rash of early-season injuries, he learned how to rotate players, he drafted Renaldo Balkman, he got rid of Steve Francis, and got back Zach Randolph in return, somehow got Stephon Marbury to defer to Eddy Curry, and saved his own job in the process. That sounds like a basic list of things for any good coach, but for Isiah, it was as if he'd finally learned how to walk and chew gum at the same time. You know, he mastered the little things that we all take for granted, like not wetting ourselves.

And with the exception for his team quitting on him before ink touched paper on his contract extension, I really haven't had too much bad to say about him lately. I'm not really used to this, and quite frankly, I miss Isiah. I miss seeing him lurking in the shadows at MSG, hoping not to be hit by batteries thrown from the upper deck. I miss his excuses for why he made the most boneheaded of moves, because really...no one would have followed up trading for Steve Francis by trading for Jalen Rose. He just had a way about these things that made me look at his press conferences and wonder, "I wonder how much dishwasher detergent I could get him to eat."

And now, it's all over. Or it seems to be that way, anyway. I mean, the jury's still out on this Zach Randolph deal (mainly because he already has Eddy Curry on his roster...once again, he's got two of the same player) and there's still time in this offseason for him to make some more moves. He's already stated that he's going to make another trade and the word is, he's eyeing the Lunatic of the Lower Deck, Ron Artest.

Because I'm not that talented a writer, I'm begging and praying that Isiah not only makes this happen, but Ron Artest has his final meltdown right there in Madison Square Garden. I need something to talk about and Ron Artest, Zach Randolph, and New York City coming together is something of a perfect storm. Can you imagine the devastation? I can, and as always, it involves a car driving into the scorer's table.

Make it happen, Isiah. I need you to revert back into the hapless fool that we all know you can be.

10 Pre-Draft Predictions for the Upcoming NBA Season

10 Predictions for the upcoming NBA season

1. Dallas will overreact to their first round exit by making a stupid trade. We’ve seen them do this before. When they lost barely got by a banged-up Sacramento team and lost to the Spurs, they naturally assumed they had to get bigger inside and traded away the person who got them past Sacramento and was the big shot taker that Dallas has always needed: Nick Van Exel. Dallas didn’t do anything again until Van Exel was replaced by a player of a similar mold: Jason Terry. Now, that they’ve gone down to 8th seed Golden State, they’re going to overreact by adjusting their team to the one that beat them, instead of trying to run with the team to beat. It’s the stupidest possible move and one they can’t help but make.

2. Golden State will fail to build on their surprising season. We’ve seem them do this before. Not only that, it always happens when a team catches the league by surprise one year, but next year, everyone’s ready for them. Hell, it happened in their own division this year, or did everyone forget about the Clippers? I know I did.

3. Shawn Marion will be traded and exposed. And if it doesn’t happen this year, this one will happen at some point, because the media has convinced this man that he’s better than he really is. They’ve also convinced all of you of the same thing. Listen, Shawn Marion is an amazing athlete with freakishly long arms, who can get off the ground quicker than most and has a nose for the ball and can play in the lights. But there’s always a guy like that in the league. Would you really build your offense around him, though? Would you depend on him to put your team on his back and score 25-30 a night? Not with that jump shot, you shouldn’t. But at least one general manager is going to do exactly that.

4. Billy Knight will waste at least ONE of the Hawks’ draft picks. The situation has turned out too well for Billy Knight to deal with properly. He’s going to blow it, because he can’t help himself. I assure you, one of those picks (picks 3 and 11) is going to be wasted on a player that we don’t need. The guy might be a good player, too. But when his name is called, the fourteen Hawks fans left are going to slap their heads in unison. I’ll go so far as to name the name that will likely be called: Either Brandan “the Neo-Marion” Wright or Joakim “Camby 2K8” Noah. He can’t help himself. He just can’t. (Note: I proved to be wrong here.)

5. Detroit will no longer be a championship-level team. Oh, yeah. It’s so over. Flip Saunders is still your coach and still incapable of making adjustments and coaching defense. Some hapless GM is going to be suckered into paying Chauncey Billups that big deal. Rasheed Wallace might have actually worn out his welcome. Chris Webber is not the be-all, end-all. Your starting point guard might actually be Carlos Delfino, who’s not a bad player, but also isn’t a starter. Don’t get me wrong…this isn’t going to be a bad team. They’ll win 50 games or so. But threatening for the championship? No, that ship has sailed.

6. Antoine Walker and Gary Payton are history in Miami. Obviously, this team has to get younger, because Shaq’s days are numbered and they’ve got to become a more up-tempo team to run with Dwyane Wade. Also, judging by the way this team went out (injuries aside), we saw a team age 40 years in about 8 months. I don’t believe they’ll get much in the draft, so the only choice is to make trades. And the only thing they have that can even be considered “trade bait” is Antoine Walker. Who would want him? I don’t have all the answers, but a team like Minnesota is screaming for help to keep KG from leaving. And Gary Payton will likely be thrown in to make the numbers work. Honestly, I’m shocked they made it through last season without being traded.

7. Kobe is going to have a meltdown. When I actually made this list, Kobe hadn’t started making trade demands yet. I wrote this list one night, put it down and forgot I even wrote it. Two weeks passed, and we’ve seen Kobe demand a trade, recant the statement, demand it again, and trash his GM and back-up center to perfect strangers on the street, who videotaped the whole thing. I’d say that counts as a meltdown.

8. So will Kevin Garnett. Well, another meltdown, anyway.

9. Allen Iverson will be playing elsewhere. Because I just can’t see the Iverson/Carmelo Anthony team-up ending in any way other than a fight.

10. Cleveland will be overhauled. Let’s face it, they were lucky to even be in the Finals. And unless they want to keep taking beatings like the one they just took, they’d better make some moves, and fast. Let’s start with a coaching upgrade.

Honorable mention – Dwight Howard still won’t have any post moves. What are they teaching these kids in high school? Does anyone have any old tapes of Hakeem Olajuwon or Kevin McHale? Can they let Dwight Howard borrow them over the weekend or something?

Honorable mention 2 – Daniel Gibson will be next year’s Elliott Perry. Because there’s always that one player who has the breakout season until teams start bothering to play defense against him. You remember Elliott Perry, right? Neither do I. In fact, Charles Barkley was his best damn friend and he hasn’t mentioned him on TV since 1995.

Honorable mention 3 – The patch of hair on Drew Gooden’s hair will continue to mystify me. Seriously. What the hell is it?

Thoughts About the Draft

I didn’t even watch all of last night’s NBA draft, as I’d assume, few people actually do. I watched the lottery, though, and I caught some of the second round. I had to skip some of the middle, because TNA was showing Kurt Angle vs. Christian Cage vs. Rhino over on Spike TV. But after looking back at the draft picks and seeing some of the analysis on SportsCenter, I can see that there were a few surprises, mainly because the guys on there told me that they were surprised.

The running theme of the night, as always, is the stupidest justification for drafting a player, “upside potential,” whatever that means. I never understood why you’d draft a player who MIGHT be good, instead of drafting a player who’s good already. But before I drop 10,000 words on why Brandan Wright should have stayed at North Carolina, let me talk a little about the other running theme of the night (or at least, the lottery picks): The inability to shoot.

There were 14 players in the lottery and of those 14, the only ones who didn’t catch the comment from Jay Bilas about working on their shot was Kevin Durant (because that’s what he does), Greg Oden (because he’s never more than 5 feet from the basket at any given time), and Al Horford (because…ditto). Now, here’s what I don’t get: How do you get this far in your basketball career and can’t shoot?

All I’m saying is what were you doing all that time when you were alone on the playground or in the gym? Were you tongue-kissing the ball or just humping it? How do you spend that much time playing ball and still can’t shoot? Hell, I’ve never even played organized ball and I can shoot. I just fail to understand how in three years at Florida, Joakim Noah (I’m coming back to you shortly, sir) can’t shoot consistently. I fail to understand how in FOUR years at Texas A&M, Acie Law IV isn’t a better shooter. As a college ballplayer, chances are that at least 8 hours out of every day, you’re doing something that involves a basketball. If you seriously call yourself practicing, how is it that you can’t shoot?

And they wonder why the Europeans are coming along like they are. Does anyone out there have that old Dr. J basketball fundamentals tape? Anyone?

It was interesting hearing some of the backhanded comments about the GMs. Danny Ainge got trashed by Stephen A. Smith (he kept using the word “atrocious”), and the word that they wanted to use to describe the GM in Milwaukee was “stupid,” but they couldn’t say it. Billy Knight received a pass, but Lord knows why, and they should have just called Billy King “dead man walking.” I’m still not over the Allen Iverson situation, either. And I’m still not done talking about Kevin McHale. It’s quite simple, really…when you have a dominant point guard, go get a big man. When you have a dominant big man, go get a point guard. You shouldn’t have to have one half of the puzzle in place for 10 years and wait for him to start demanding a trade before you realize this. I don’t blame Kobe Bryant for what he’s doing at all. There needs to be a revolt against stupidity in the front office.

Anyway, getting to the draft…

1. Greg Oden – Portland Trailblazers. The most unsurprising pick since LeBron James in 2003.

2. Kevin Durant – Seattle Supersonics. The most unsurprising pick since Greg Oden.

3. Al Horford – Atlanta Hawks. A good pick that’s only tempered by the fact that Billy Knight has drafted this man at least two other times in the last two years under an assumed name. The difference is, this time he’s actually a good player.

4. Mike Conley, Jr. – Memphis Grizzlies. Other than the fact that I wouldn’t have been mad at the Hawks for taking him, I have nothing really to say about this pick. I am surprised that this team is still in existence, though.

Jeff Green – Boston Celtics. He was traded to Seattle along with Wally S. and Delonte West for Ray Allen and Glen “Big Baby” Davis. Admittedly, I haven’t seen Jeff Green play outside of the highlights on that one shot that he hit in the NCAA Tournament, and Glen Davis has only impressed me because I’m surprised that a grown man will let other grown men call him “Big Baby” to his face. I will say that this trade doesn’t make sense for Boston, mainly because they’ve already got Ray Allen on their team. His name is just Paul Pierce. They’ve also already got Allen Ray, which I think is hilarious. Plus, they gave up the one decent point guard that they had in Delonte West. I swear, I wouldn’t trust Danny Ainge to put together a 100-piece puzzle correctly, let alone an NBA team.

Yi Jianlian – Milwaukee Bucks. I really have no clue how to process this one, because I didn’t see China play in the World Championships, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have known who the hell I was looking at. I do know that the Chinese Consulate prevented Milwaukee from seeing him workout and that the GM of Milwaukee has never actually seen him play. It was stated that he was going off the word of his father, Del Harris, who coaches for the Mavericks and was a one-time coach of the Chinese National Team. This can’t end well for the Bucks.

Corey Brewer – Minnesota. Great defender, can’t shoot. Kevin Garnett is probably on top of the tallest building in Minneapolis (7 stories) with a pistol and a bottle of Grey Goose, demanding that the Wolves trade him or the “distraught multi-millionaire gets it.”

Brandan Wright – Charlotte. I think Michael Jordan just saw that he played for Carolina and decided to take him. It’s not like the Bobcats have actual NEEDS or anything. Then, while being interviewed, Wright said that Jordan didn’t want any of him in one-on-one. Jordan woke up just long enough from beating his friends in PokerGolf to ship Wright off to Golden State for Jason Richardson. The ESPN guys wondered why Charlotte would trade Wright for Richardson. I wondered why Golden State would trade Richardson for Wright. I’d rather have to consistent athletic two-guard over the vanishing, skinny, power forward who’s useless outside of six feet and can be pushed over by a strong wind.

9. Joakim Noah – Chicago Bulls. I screamed out of anger when I heard this pick, because now I have to spend the next decade supporting the last player I wanted them to draft. Anyone who’s ever heard me talk about Joakim Noah knows that I’m not that big on him, and that’s mostly because I see him becoming the next Marcus Camby. And if I wanted that, I wouldn’t have been begging the Bulls to deal Tyson Chandler. See, we need a low-post scorer in Chicago and Joakim Noah is everything but. He’s my prime example of guys in this draft who can’t shoot. The guys we have down low right now are Ben “Complaining about the offense, but never taking the time to work on anything offensive” Wallace, Tyrus “The coordination of a drunk baby horse” Thomas, PJ Brown (I got nothing bad to say about him), and Michael “One-Man Buffet Line” Sweetney. The problem is, the only true low-post scorers in this draft got picked at 1 and 3. And somewhere between my blood curdling scream and laying in my bed, stroking my Chicago Bulls pillow for comfort, I began to accept that, at the very least, Noah will fit in with what the Bulls are doing. But he better not suck…I know that.

The rest of the draft….

Acie Law IV – (11) Atlanta Hawks. At least now we know how the Salim Stoudamire/Royal Ivey/Anthony Johnson logjam is going to end. And speaking of Stoudamire, I find it funny that Acie Law is the exact same player as he is. Does Billy Knight actually know who he has on his team? Billy, have you actually met the players you drafted or do you just wipe your memory clean from draft to draft?

Thaddeus Young (12) – Philadelphia 76ers. It’s going be really awkward seeing him play, because I’m still not used to hearing someone call out my name on TV. At least he spells it correctly. Other than that, I think this kid and Javaris Crittenton should have stayed in school. They couldn’t even get Georgia Tech to win consistently in the ACC. I hope they don’t expect Young to get them over the hump, even in the saddest of all NBA conferences.

The Knicks/Blazers Trade – Finally, Isiah Thomas is on the positive end of a deal. The Knicks get Zach Randolph and a few others, The Blazers get Channing Frye and Steve Francis. I just want to know how he tricked someone into giving up a legitimate big man for so little. Well, I shouldn’t so “so little.” I mean, Steve Francis is a huge headache when he goes outside of the offense on every play. Isn’t he supposed to be the point guard?

On Sunday

On Sunday, June 24, 2007, two people that I knew were killed in a car accident. They were hit by a pick-up truck while riding their motorcycle down Highway 49 in Gulfport, MS. The driver was apparently trying to make a U-turn. They barely had a chance to avoid the truck. Wayne Hughes was still on the bike when he was found. He was 45. Michelle Hughes was thrown 30 feet away. She was 48. Their youngest son, Ron, witnessed the entire thing.

The guy who hit them was an illegal alien. He jumped out of the truck and fled the scene with his wife and child. He was caught later that day and is currently being held on a $51,000 bond for a variety of charges. None of them are “vehicular manslaughter,” because apparently, Mississippi doesn’t have that crime on its books. Hopefully, this time he’ll be deported.

“This time,” you ask? Oh, yeah…this time.

On June 17, he was arrested for DUI and driving without a license. He shouldn’t have even been in the country on June 24. But he was. And as a result, two people are dead.

I know bringing this up isn’t going to bring them back, but that doesn’t change the fact that it pisses me off. He. Should not. Have been here. Period. So to anyone who believes that there shouldn’t be a crackdown on illegal aliens in this country, tell that to Chris, Denise, Jeanette, Ron, and Francis. Those are their children. I’m sure they’d love to hear your reasoning.


You know, I’ve never been to Central America. From what I read about it, it seems to be pretty rough and corrupt at virtually all levels of government. And from what I understand, traffic laws there are more of a suggestion, not the law of the land. “Hey, you might wanna stop at that sign…unless you don’t want to.”

Now, the actual evidence of that, I’ve seen with my own eyes. There is a huge Latin population here in Atlanta, and I’ve almost been run over a ton of times and I’d say 5 times out of 10, it’s by someone of Latin descent. And I’m not saying that to say that Latinos can’t drive, because I know that most of them probably can. I’m saying that where they come from, the country probably doesn’t put the same emphasis on stopping at a red light that ours does. Hell, just a month ago, the front of my car was almost torn off by a guy who ran a red light. He was driving a white van with ladders on top of it. I didn’t see the guy, but based on what he was riding in and where I was (Buford Hwy aka Nuevo Mexico 2), I’m willing to bet that he was Latino.

Just to show that I’m not bigoted, back in 2003, I was almost hit at the intersection of Columbia Dr. and McAfee Rd (aka “The Hood”) by a guy in an SUV with chrome rims, who ran a red light. I didn’t see that guy either, but I’d bet you both the hands I’m typing this with that he was black.

Getting back to my point, if you were not from here, but took the time to come here legally, chances are you’d know the traffic laws a little better than you do. Yeah, I know a lot of people from here ignore little things like signaling before making a lane change (and you have no idea how much I hate that), but at least they were told. People who are driving illegally most likely have no idea about that. I’ll bet you the two extra hands I won in the last bet that they had no clue about that when they were driving around down in El Salvador. And if they did, who the hell cared?

So when this guy made his U-turn in the middle of Hwy 49, he probably had no clue about things like looking for motorcycles before doing it. I don’t know how well motorcycles sell south of the border, but the numbers can’t be that high. In fact, he was citing for “failing to yield.” Perhaps, if he’d come here legally, he would have learned about yielding.

...and now, the aftermath.

And almost right on cue...the mainstream media is running their mouth about professional wrestling.

This is probably the most high-profile story that wrestling has been a part of since Vince McMahon's steroid trial. Ironically enough, steroids has brought the attention back to wrestling again. In fact, steroids seems to be the only thing that gets mainstream attention for professional wrestling.

And because of this tragedy, everyone is an expert on wrestling. Usually, the only thing you can get out of the average person on wrestling is a dismissive "that's so fake." But now, everyone's a virtual encyclopedia. Why, everyone knows that 63 wrestlers under 45 have died since 1980!

The "sport" that no one cares about and only stupid people with a missing chromosome watch suddenly has all these "caring" eyes on it. There's all this moral outrage about the rampant steroid abuse in wrestling and how the government needs to get involved to clean up this "pseudo-sport" that only "inbred hicks" watch.

So, to the mainstream media and everyone who doesn't watch wrestling, but insists on commenting about all this, I got two words for you...

Only wrestling fans are going to know what the hell I was just talking about.

See, what's wrong here is, the people on the outside don't know the culture of wrestling. They don't understand what these men go through. All they do is write them off as fat guys in tights pretending to hit each other. They don't acknowledge them as professional athletes who work the most brutal schedule in sports.

None of this is justification for what Chris Benoit did, but it is me pointing out the media's hypocrisy. For instance, where was their moral outrage when Brian Pillman died in his hotel room? Where was the concern when Owen Hart fell from the rafters of the Kemper Arena? Where was the slightest mention of John "Earthquake" Tenta's cancer?

But all of these men have been thrown on the list of wrestlers who have died of steroid abuse.

Fact: Wrestlers live a hard life.

Fact: A ton of wrestlers have died young in the last 20 years.

Fact: There are a lot of wrestlers who abuse drugs of all sorts.

Query: Did all of these wrestlers die of using steroids?

Answer: No.

The fact is, Curt Hennig died of a cocaine overdose. The Junkyard Dog died in a car accident. Brian Pillman died from mixing painkillers and alcohol. Eddie Guerrero died of heart failure after years of previous drug abuse. Bruiser Brody was stabbed to death. Owen Hart died from a fatal fall. John Tenta died of cancer. Two of the Von Erichs killed themselves. Crash Holly choked on his own vomit. Chris Candido died of a blood clot becoming lodged in his heart. Yokozuna and Andre the Giant both died from heart failure due to their size. I believe Big John Studd died from the same thing. Dino Bravo was shot to death. Gorilla Monsoon died due to complications from diabetes.

That's a significant amount of deaths, but none of them involved steroids. That's not to say that none of them ever used steroids, that's just to say that steroids didn't kill any of them.

So next time you hear that particular stat come flying out of the mouth from some Bush-loving conservative, consider what the cause of death actually was. Yes, wrestling has it's problems that need to be taken care of. No one's denying that. But what wrestling doesn't need is the bitching and screaming of people who can't be bothered pay any attention to it when people aren't dying.

A New Perspective on Chris Benoit

Chris Benoit is a murderer. Allegedly.

But then, he also killed himself, so I guess he won't be giving us any answers anytime soon.

I don't know why he did what he did and neither does anyone else. I do know that the news that he was dead shocked and hurt a lot of people. I know that there was a lot of speculation that THIS is exactly what went down in that house. As a result, I really don't know how I feel about Chris Benoit anymore.

As a wrestler, Chris Benoit, as far as I'm concerned was one of the five or six best wrestlers the world had ever seen. He was one of the wrestlers that could have a great match with almost anyone, and that made him a go-to guy when you wanted to get a guy some credibility amongst fans. He was constantly on the move in the ring, and there was never a wasted motion. He was one of the guys who actually made wrestling look real from time to time.

As a man, I never knew much about him. He wasn't one of those guys whose personality shone through. He was pretty much a blank slate, unlike Eddie Guerrero, who died two years before and was one of Benoit's best friends.

But now, Benoit, the man doesn't seem to be measuring up to Benoit, the wrestler. In fact, Benoit, the man doesn't seem to be measuring up to some of the junkies, abusers, pimps, and child molesters in the wrestling business.

ALLEGEDLY, Chris Benoit strangled his wife, Nancy (formerly known as Woman back in WCW), and smothered their 7 year old son, Daniel before hanging himself in the weight room. I say "allegedly," because that's what you're supposed to do at this stage, but let's face it. He did it. The cops said that they found him hanging in the weight room, and it doesn't take long for cops to verify that someone was strangled OR smothered. I'm sure we've all seen enough procedural cop shows to know that. So for all intents and purposes, he did it. The only questions are "Why?" and "What drugs was he on?"

As a result, the name Chris Benoit, instead of going down as one amongst wrestling's royalty, is probably going to be vilified from here on out. In the wrestling business, Chris Benoit could pretty much write his own ticket forever. Now, it's hard to even respect his accomplishments in the ring.

WWE.com has already taken down his bio, pulled his merchandise, and has removed almost every mention of him from their website and I'm sure many wrestling fans are becoming more and more confused as to how to react as this news become public. I know I am. I want to mourn him, but not like this.

Wrestling fans are a pretty forgiving lot, even back when we thought it was real. Heels would run down the fans every week, but when they turned face, they'd be cheered like nothing ever happened. Some, like Ric Flair, would turn every few months, and still get cheered like he didn't just have Sting jumped a couple of weeks ago.

The wrestlers that died of drug abuse, the Curt Hennigs, the Miss Elizabeths, and so on, were all treated as saints when they died. Jake "the Snake" Roberts, a notorious crackhead, is still beloved, even though his drug use is public knowledge. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, who allegedly beat his wife, still receives the loudest cheers when he enters the arena, even more than the current champ, John Cena.

But I don't see Chris Benoit's legacy ever having a favorable slant again. At least, not in our lifetimes. Not after going out like this.

And because he went out like this, I can't mourn him. I just can't. Curt "Mr. Perfect" Hennig was one of my all-time favorite wrestlers, but after finding out he died from a cocaine overdose, I had to let go any of that. I don't have sympathy for drug users. I have even less for murderers. Even if I did think he was one of the greatest wrestlers ever.

Songs That Annoy The Piss Out Of Me

Welcome to the Early Summer Edition of the list of songs that are annoying the crap out of me. You’d think that there would be a lot of popular songs on this list, and you’d be wrong, because I don’t watch videos and I don’t listen to any radio stations that play any of the crap that we all know would really piss me off, like “Tatted Up” or the Usher/R. Kelly collabo that I still have yet to hear. My listening to those stations wouldn’t be a good thing for me or you. Or them, for that matter, because that could be the final tic that sends me over the edge. But these songs are the ones that have found their way into my headspace, despite my best efforts to keep them out.

Lost Without You – Robin Thicke
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not a bad song. Quite the contrary, in fact. It’s just a victim of what radio stations always do with a good song: Actively try to make you hate it. What’s most impressive here is, I only listen to the radio for an hour in the morning every day and they’ve still managed to make me want to drive my car into oncoming traffic every time it comes on. The radio stations must be able to detect my nausea, so they alternate it every morning with the next song on this list…

Please Don’t Go – Tank
And really, I wish he would go. I know it’s a hackneyed joke, but dammit, I’m sick of this song. I never even thought it was that good in the first place. Now, this is the first time I’ve ever actually listened to Tank. When he first came out, he happened to be a victim of the Great R&B Boycott of the late 90s. But having listened to him, I’m just not that impressed. Being a child of the 80s and early 90s, I quickly grew tired of hearing grown men whine when Keith Sweat came out, so you can see why hearing this man screech the words “please don’t go” over and over could tend to grate on my nerves just a little. Let me just lay this question out there: With a name like “Tank,” does anyone else think he should sound like Teddy P or is it just me?

Right Now – Pussycat Dolls
And don’t think that this is the last time they’re going to show up on this list. As far as this song goes, I don’t even know if there’s more to the song than the hook, because that’s the only part ABC ever plays. Obviously, for reasons beyond the ken of my understanding, nothing says “playoff basketball” like a Pussycat Dolls song. It must be nice to live in the fantasy world of the marketing executive. Last year, it was Tom Petty (I think) and this year, the Pussycat Dolls. I’m willing to bet that every year, they just put their iPod on shuffle and pick the 12th song that it plays. Why 12th? I guess for the same reasons that you’d play the Pussycat Dolls during a basketball game.

Don’t Cha – Pussycat Dolls
When the promise of a Busta Rhymes verse couldn’t get me to stomach this song again, you knew it was in trouble. And it’s not like anyone could take a song seriously when it contained a line like “Don’t cha wish your girl was a freak like me?” There could be worse lines, but I don’t know because I’ve only heard it once. After a while, the song went away, but in a strange turn of events, it was remade by someone else less than a year later, inserted into a beer commercial and played during basketball games, where I wouldn’t be able to escape from it. Anyone who’s familiar with remakes can probably back me up here: Hearing the remake automatically makes me revert back to the original song. Except in this case, the original song sucks, too. Why would you do a crappy remake of a song that wasn’t good to begin with, not even a year after it came out? And why am I being punished with it during every commercial break? I already have to open and close the commercial breaks with “Right Now,” and somewhere in there, the remake of “Don’t Cha” gets played, because Heineken just couldn’t do any better. It’s the kind of conundrum that could just make your head explode.

Irreplaceable – Beyonce
You know what, Bianca? I’ve tried to be nice to you over the years. When you were with Destiny’s Child, I didn’t get on you too much for the fact that out of six or seven total members, you were the only one who couldn’t dance. Hell, I can’t dance, either. I tried (and failed miserably) to get past your squealing phase during “Writing’s on the Wall.” I even wrote you a letter of support back when everyone else seemed to hate you. And when you and Jay-Z got together, I tried to embrace you just because it would make things easier between the three of us. But I just can’t live this lie anymore. I just don’t like you. And clearly, you don’t like me. I say this because you keep putting out songs that annoy the crap out of me AND singing them in a way that makes me want to punch the radio every time I hear your voice. “Irreplaceable” was the last straw. I hate this song, cannot escape it, and I don’t even listen to radio stations that play it.

Remember The Name – Fort Minor
This song has been in my life for the last two or three years, and I’ve actually prayed that the meteor that’s going to kill us all would hit before someone else could use this song in something sports related. I don’t even think Fort Minor had another song besides this one, but who needs one when you’ve got endless royalties coming from a modest hit (and that’s being kind) that’s forever being supported by unimaginative monkeys in the production department? It was a smart move to use it for TNT’s NBA coverage…in 2004-05. Then, the TV series “Friday Night Lights” decided to use it for their promotion, which was constant. Then “Gridiron Gang” decided to use it for its promotion, which was also constant. Apparently, TV and movie execs don’t know how to promote in any other way besides “driving you to suicide.” And when you factor in that TNT is STILL using that song in 2007, it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone reading when I say that if I ever see anyone from Fort Minor in Decatur (and actually recognize them), I’ll finally be able to add the first notch to my “Celebrities I Ran Over With My Car” belt.

A Short Missive About the Hate Crime Bill

There are people out there who are against the changes to the Hate Crime bill that add gay people to this list of people who fall under its protection. They claim that it infringes on their right to oppose homosexuality.

My bad...I wasn't aware that opening someone's skull with a cinder block was an expression of free speech.

Come on, people. You can't be serious.

No one's saying that you gotta like gay people or have them over for dinner. You can not like them all you want to. You just can't light them on fire or hang them from trees or shoot them for allegedly whistling at you. I don't see how that's hard to do. Since when did it become a struggle not to engage in violence?

It's that line of thinking that has the law there in the first place. Apparently, bigots haven't learned much since the law was first enacted to help protect black people. I mean, it's not like these people are doing anything to you. Other than, you know...existing and living their lives. I mean, how dare they?

I understand a lot of people don't agree with the law in the first place, as they say that it makes some crimes more illegal than others. Then again, when a bunch of dudes jump in a truck to go attack someone who didn't even do anything other than enjoy sucking dick in the privacy of his own home...well, I'd say that's a special kind of crime that deserves a special kind of penalty.

Gay people deserve special protection mainly because a whole lot of you can't seem to keep control when you see one. The problem isn't with them. It's with you. Because if you look at a gay person and can't control your completely-made-up urge to tie them to the back of your truck, I'd say you're probably secretly gay yourself.

Keep Snitchin'

Please…snitch more.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never understood the “Stop Snitching” Movement. So, you’re telling me that if a person commits a crime right in front of me, I shouldn’t help that person find their rightful jail cell? You’re telling me that they’re somehow right in their actions?

From what I’ve been able to understand, it’s supposed to be a black thing. But I don’t feel that way. No, I don’t entirely trust the cops. THAT is a black thing. But if it comes down to the person that’s selling drugs on my block versus the people who are paid to arrest people who sell drugs on my block, then guess which side I’m siding with?

And I don’t see anything wrong with that. It’s not like the drug dealer is my friend. I’m not telling on him, I’m doing what I can to help my community. I don’t know about that guy’s life and I truly don’t care, because, well…he’s selling drugs. I wasn’t aware that I should be sympathetic. It’s not like he’s doing it to help improve the neighborhood. The money he makes isn’t going back into the community.

Maybe I’m missing the point here.

Of course, there’s the thing about criminals “snitching” on other criminals. Somehow, that’s supposed to be wrong, but let’s look at this: Both sides are doing illegal stuff. Neither side has morals. But there’s supposed to be some kind of honor amongst thieves? Seriously, you shouldn’t be surprised. In fact, how could you not see it coming? Let’s face it, you’re probably not friends and even if you are, how can you really trust someone who robs, steals, or kills for a living? You’re the fool for getting in the mix with him in the first place.

What’s funny is, the “Stop Snitching” Movement was popularized by a series of DVDs and T-Shirts put out by a company called “Let Us Live Entertainment.” That name kills me, because they’re called Let Us Live, but they want to live on the pain and death of others. Why can’t you “Let THEM Live?”

There are people out there wearing these shirts into courtrooms, trying to intimidate witnesses who are testifying against known murderers. Now, I don’t know any murderers, but should you ever kill anyone, your best bet is not to tell me about it. I might tell, I might not, but I will tell you to do the right thing and turn yourself in. However, don’t be surprised if I testify against you. You did wrong. You know you did wrong. You can’t really expect me not to tell what I know. If you were a real friend, you wouldn’t expect me to risk myself to protect you. I would never ask a friend to do that for me. I don’t think a real friend would let a person go on thinking that they’re right for doing something wrong. Maybe it’s because I’m one of those rare people who prefer to know the truth.

Thing is, this disconnect that we have between the cops and black people has nothing to do with criminals and everything to do with the fact that cops in black neighborhoods were not there to protect the citizens. But criminals and hip-hop have taken a justifiable concern and perverted it so they can get over. And they’ve convinced a healthy number of you dumb motherfuckers to act like it’s the right thing to do.

They aren’t united with you. This isn’t a new “black movement.” It’s some dumb shit that’s holding us back as a people. Plain and simple. The drug dealers in your neighborhood don’t give a hell about you. The dude that’s robbing houses don’t give a hell about you. Every black man in jail is NOT a political prisoner or falsely accused. Stupid ass rappers like Cam’ron…I don’t know why you’d listen to him, anyway. First of all, this is a cat that prefers the respect of teenagers to his own peers. Secondly, he said to Anderson Cooper that he wouldn’t rat on a serial killer living next door. He said he’d move.

That shit ain’t noble. Because when the serial killer gets someone at YOUR house, and you find out that Cam’ron knew he was there and moved away instead of telling (his words, not mine), do you really think that you’re gonna be talking all that “Code of the Street” noise then? Do you really believe that you won’t tell the cops that you saw a dude come through your window with an ax and get to swinging? If you won’t, then you’s a stupid motherfucker. We’ll see if you call them when that guy comes back. Meanwhile, Cam’ron has moved, ‘cause he can afford it. Across the hall, you’re wiping up your relatives with paper towels.

Oh, my bad. You can’t clean it up yet, because it’s still fresh evidence.

Fuck the “Stop Snitching” movement.

The Moron Lexicon: Unconscious Racism

(this is at least a couple of months old. Just bear with me.)

A new term has come to my attention that describes the supposed unintentional bigotry by people who don’t know that they’re doing it. It’s called “unconscious racism,” and we need to nip this in the bud right now.

Don’t invent words to excuse people who get caught tucking in their Klan robes. I don’t know how long this term has been around, but it popped up in my life during “Paula Zahn Now,” while she was covering this mess at Clemson with that party with the white kids dressed like “black people.” This isn’t the first time I’ve heard of this happening, but there’s smoke in the city right now, mainly because white people are doing damage control before black people really get started.

The white kids claim that they didn’t know that they were offending anyone. I’ve tried to claim that I didn’t know that women don’t like to have their breasts fondled and called “chesticles” at work, but that doesn’t mean anyone believed it. It’s why I’m out of a job now. And if I had to go down for that, then some spoiled white kids should have to do the same for making elaborate black jokes when there are no black people around.

And that’s one of the reasons why I know that they knew what they were doing. They saw to it that there would be no black people there. Claiming ignorance is like claiming that you didn’t know that Indian people don’t like it when you push the red dot on their foreheads. Punjab isn’t going to be any happier with you than Leroy is.

If you didn’t know that you were going to offend someone, why did you do it on Martin Luther King’s birthday? You couldn’t have thought that we were going to be happy about the whole thing. And if you did, I guess Clemson has lower admissions standards than I thought. Only a person who regularly eats paste could be that stupid.

And even throwing all of that out of the window, let’s be real here. You are grown-ass college students. You go to a major university. There are black people there and chances are, these aren’t the first black people you’ve ever met. Some of you have caught the beating of a lifetime after saying the word “nigger.” So you know better. If you know why you shouldn’t say “nigger,” then you know not to dress up like that where they can see you. By planning, throwing, and attending that party, you have said more about who you really are than your half-ass apologies ever could. If you weren’t bigoted in some way, you wouldn’t have even been there. You would have thought to yourself, “this is some racist bullshit,” and stayed your ass at home.

But that’s not what you did. You and all your cracker-white friends got together, put on some “urban wear,” stuffed your flat-backsides with pillows to add some shape to your body, and one of you even had the nerve to dress up in blackface. You probably talked in slang and played rap music the whole night. And it was jolly good fun, wasn’t it?

The ironic part is, you really do listen to our music, wear our clothes, subvert our culture, wish that you had big dicks and shapely asses, full lips, curly hair, rhythm, and darker skin. You wish that your people were viewed as the purveyors of what is “cool.” You wish that your people weren’t viewed as the cause of all that’s wrong in this world. You wish that you could say the “n-word.”

Well, for one night, you got your wish. If there was any real justice, you’d get dealt with as harshly as we would if the shoe was on the other foot. If there was any real justice, you’d get the kind of punishment that a gang of us would have gotten if we had showed up at that party and saw what your asses were up to.

Here’s a tip for next time you want to express your “unconscious racism:” Don’t take pictures and post them on a website. That’s just asking for trouble.

“Unconscious racism.” That’s about as ridiculous as “trustworthy Catholic priest,” or “rock music that you can dance to.” Or, of course, “daylights.”

Prayer is NOT the answer

(written a couple of days after the VT shootings...I know it's dated now)

Okay, maybe that’s a bit extreme.

But, in the wake of the Virginia Tech massacre, the bible-thumpers have been out in force. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to be force-fed religion in the face of a national tragedy.

I know a lot of people look to religion for comfort in times of duress. I know there are people out there who believe that religion is the thing to cure all ills. I know a lot of people find all the answers that they’re looking for in their religious texts. I am not one of those people.

I’m the kind of person who asks questions like, “Why isn’t there an alternative option to women,” or “Can my voice get stuck like that if I inhale too much helium?” I haven’t read either the Bible or the Koran in their entirety, but it’s a safe bet that they haven’t addressed those topics yet. Nope, not even in the back. And if your answer is ever “Because it is the will of God,” I’m telling you flat out, your answer isn’t good enough.

So I’m sure you can see why I might get a slight bit annoyed when this lady called into the Steve Harvey show the other day and said that this happened because we don’t have prayer in schools. This led to a discussion about how Billy Graham’s daughter said something that Steve Harvey and Co. found to be extremely profound. After Hurricane Katrina, this lady got on TV or radio or something (I don’t know, because I don’t listen to the relatives of crackpots too much), and said something to the effect of, “if you ask God to get out of your schools and government and etc, etc, you can’t get mad at him when stuff like this happens.”

So to someone like me, I wonder, how is this helping? Aren’t you supposed to be comforting, say….someone? I don’t think that the destruction of an entire coastal area is the time to remind us all that you believe that your God is an omnipotent child who says, “I’ll show you.”

Steve Harvey and crew, being the religious type, bought into that mess. Me, I think she’s full of it.

Pat Robertson had comments like this in the wake of September 11, basically blaming America for what happened, by saying being nice to gay people caused 19 loons pretend that they were in a real life Jerry Bruckheimer movie. Not only do I think Pat Robertson is crazy, I also think that comments like that are irresponsible and anyone who takes him seriously shouldn’t be allowed to procreate. Again, how is that helping the situation? Weren’t you watching the same newscast as I was? You had to be, because it was literally on every channel.

So listening to this lady on Steve Harvey’s show blather on about how we need prayer in schools and not to take “In God We Trust” off of the money and to essentially ignore the separation of church and state, and to have Steve and Tommy agree with her, needless to say, I was ready to call into the show myself and curse at all of them.

Let’s be adults here. If a guy decides that he needs to shoot up 32 people to feel better about his life, then kill himself, having prayer in schools and God’s name on our money isn’t really gonna help too much. Clearly, the guy was unstable, and according to reports that I’ve seen, had a problem dealing with rejection. The solution to THAT is good parenting and in extreme cases, counseling. All having prayer in schools is gonna do is piss some people off. Like, roughly half the country.

As far as “In God We Trust” is concerned, I don’t believe that was even always on the money. I don’t know for certain, but I do know that the Founding Fathers of this country weren’t necessarily Christians. They were agnostic, at best and in some cases, flat out atheists. There was a reason for the separation of church and state. I know that we didn’t start adding God’s name to the pledge of allegiance until the 40s and that was a political move, to contrast ourselves against the atheistic Communists. So don’t act like government moving away from religion is the root of all of our problems. If anything, we’re doing things more like we were supposed to, to begin with.

It just bothers me that people will take this situation as an opportunity to try to convert people or the take shots at the rest of us for not drinking the Kool-Aid that they’re serving. I think it’s uncalled for and really, it stinks of childishness. You might as well be making faces at us with your thumbs in your ears, going “neener, neener, neener.” Either way, you’re being about as sensitive to the feelings of others.

You want to do something helpful? Just say a prayer for those who lost their lives and their families. Try being an example for the positive things that your religion could bring if you weren’t busy being so damn negative. Maybe if you did that, your religion wouldn’t be cast in such a negative light so much.

Go pray on that.

Friends Don't Let Friends Do Dumb Shit

Michael Vick has thrown his friends and family members under the bus over this dog-fighting stuff happening on property that he owns. Niggas everywhere are thinking (most likely, I assume, because I don’t really deal with niggas) that he sold out his people and blah blah blah, stop snitching.

I say, go on Mike. Keep snitching.

Recently, with the talk about Cam’ron being on 60 Minutes, follow up comments by one of the members of dead prez, a lifetime’s worth of police run-ins by NFL players Adam “Pacman” Jones and Chris Henry, and now this, I gotta tell you, I’m tired of the “Stop Snitching” movement. I’m tired of the “Code of the Street.” Can we go ahead and start the “Code of the Suburbs?” It usually involved calling the cops when the shit goes down.

Don’t get it twisted. I’m not saying that if you know someone involved in some mess that you should tell on him. And I’m definitely not saying that the cops are always right. Hell, the way cops are shooting black people around here, I’m not so certain if I’d call them myself. Like that Dave Chappelle joke, they might say, “He’s still here!” and beat me in my own house.

But in the case of Michael Vick, his cousin was busted on Vick’s property with a bunch of dogs that he might have been using for dogfights. Vick has to not only distance himself from this, and shady family members, but at this stage of the game, sell them out if he needs to. Why? Because those people don’t have anything to lose.

That’s what the friends of these athletes don’t understand. I know, I know, you came up together and that’s your boy and ya’ll were poor together and now that ya’ll are rich, it’s you against the world. Ride or die and all that shit. I got it. But what’s being missed is ya’ll ain’t rich. He’s rich. And that “richness” can be taken away even faster than he got it. Just look at Pacman Jones, who will lose about 1.5 million dollars by being suspended for the entire upcoming season. The final straw for him was being involved in a strip club shooting that left a man paralyzed.

So the moral here is, just because you boy has a little paper doesn’t mean that you are untouchable. And when your boy goes down, what then? Are you gonna pick up the slack? Will you be there to kick in $750,000 that you just have lying around?

Of course not, because that guy was your meal ticket and any money that you had was actually his. If you had any useful or marketable skills, you wouldn’t be mooching off of him. All you are is part of his entourage, which is a nice way of calling you an “accepted groupie,” or even his “personal bitch.” It all reminds me of Damon Wayans’ friends in “The Great White Hype.”

So while you have a vested interest in his future (because the money that you’re throwing at strippers just isn’t gonna fall out of the sky), you certainly don’t have anything to lose. And if you were a true friend at all, you wouldn’t be encouraging him to get involved in stupid stuff. And you certainly wouldn’t be staging dogfights in his house.

So to bottom line all this, Michael Vick has millions on the line here. Michael Vick has a career on the line here. Michael Vick has a reputation (sullied though it may be) on the line here. Most importantly, even though he has great lawyers, Michael Vick’s freedom could ultimately be on the line here. You, Davon Boddie, won’t lose anything, except the opportunity to have Vick’s weed man on speed dial.

You are not anyone. You use Michael Vick’s name to pick up women at the club.

To all the friends of celebrities and athletes: They still have things to accomplish. Their future is bright. Their possibilities are endless. Your life peaked that day at the outlet mall after they signed their first deal. See the difference? If you screw something up, you take the bullet. No one outside of your family will care if you go to jail, but it will be firestorm if he goes to jail. Be a true friend and help keep them away from stuff like that. You should have been trying to do that anyway, even if they were broke.

That is, if you are a true friend. Or maybe I’m just wasting my breath here, because niggas don’t read.