Does it make me old-fashioned to say that I’m tired of the corporate circus that surrounds big sporting events today?
I’m old enough to remember the days when games like the Super Bowl and the NBA All-Star Game were all about the game itself. Back when I was a kid, you got the game and some commercials and that was it. Back then, there were no marketing executives trying to convince me that I really cared to see Jordin Sparks butcher her own song. Silly me, I thought I was tuning in to see an athletic competition.
I’m really tired of all of the extras that dare to turn these events into all-in-one entertainment extravaganzas. I can’t imagine that anyone is tuning in just to see someone blow through three or four songs during a halftime show, when they could get the DVD and watch an actual, fully realized performance. And people who are there to watch the game don’t care who’s performing in what, because they were going to watch the game anyway. You’re not expanding your audience, you’re just giving the actual sports fans a longer piss break.
Are they trying to create a family experience with all of this, something the whole family can watch together? I’d say no, because for one, the big sporting events always start around 9, which is when responsible parents are sending their kids to bed. But let’s say that they were letting them watch the entire game, despite the fact that these kids have school the next day.
The only one who’s really watching the game is Dad and maybe Son, if there is one, but these damn mini-concerts keep getting in the way. Mom doesn’t really care, and neither does Daughter, because they stopped showing musical acts that play on MTV because America is prejudiced against nipples. So the men aren’t happy, because Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are getting in the way of the football analysis, and the women aren’t happy, because, let’s face it…it’s Tom Petty. He’s not exactly a sex symbol. Not even in his own house.
I don’t know how it was with white people, but black households decided that they weren’t watching the Super Bowl halftime show the second it was announced. My girlfriend and I spent the entire halftime show making a list of other acts that we would have rather seen. Guns N’ Roses would have been 100 times more exciting, just because of the hope that Slash might go after Axl with his guitar.
I think back to the nameless college football halftime show from a few years ago when Ashlee Simpson performed and shockingly, everyone booed. I didn’t watch it, because I don’t watch college football (on the grounds that it isn’t a real sport) and I don’t watch Ashlee Simpson (on the grounds that she isn’t a real singer), but I remember wondering “How did they not see this coming?”
Ashlee Simpson’s fanbase is comprised of people who haven’t developed things like discernible taste (required to know that Ashlee Simpson isn’t talented) or attention span (required to watch a football game) and, by all accounts, was giving a horrible performance. College football fans are some of the most passionate, yet rude and belligerent fans outside of Philadelphia. And none of them like Ashlee Simpson. Now, any marketing student, even the ones sleeping the back of the classroom, can see that there is no crossover appeal here. At some point, someone should have pointed out that this was a bad idea and having her continue to sing just ran the risk of her getting hit with a foreign object. There weren’t any Ashlee Simpson fans anywhere watching that game and there weren’t any college football fans anywhere that even thought to themselves, “Man, I can’t wait to hear Ashlee Simpson sing.”
But these are the things that happen when you let marketing people have some control over your product. First, your stadium winds up with a ridiculous name (like Minute Maid Field) and second, your game winds up with a bad halftime show. Marketing execs really believe that ratings will go up if “interchangeable-pop-star-of-the-week” makes an appearance at a sporting event. This just isn’t the case, because the best you can hope for is an even swap of the audience. The sports fans are going to the bathroom and the tasteless kids who like this “music” are going to sit and watch. The only time this has ever worked out in the marketing department’s favor is when Prince performed, and only because he did songs from “Purple Rain.” If he had done songs from “The Rainbow Children,” I guarantee you there would have been a full-scale, South Park riot.
So why do they continue to do this, even though all they’re doing is filling the world with sadness? Sure, it’s for the money, but mostly because marketing execs don’t think in real world terms. They use corporate buzzwords when they think, so for future reference, if anyone you know ever uses the word “synergy” in a sentence, you know they’re about to do something stupid next, like try to convince you that the best thing to do at a biker rally is hold a live wrestling pay-per-view. Your only recourse is to whack them in head with something before they can complete their thoughts on how you’re stealing free TV every time you don’t watch the commercials.
Who benefits? They do, I guess. It certainly isn’t the viewer. There has never been a time in human history where a person has been forced to sit through a Destiny’s Child performance and felt like a winner at the end, except for that time that Michelle tripped over her own two feet and fell flat on her face. And yet, that’s what we got, over and over, at the 2003 All-Star Game. Because, according to the marketing department, that’s what we all really wanted. Not a showcase of the NBA’s biggest stars and the last All-Star Game that Michael Jordan would ever playing, but Beyonce warbling over some beat that even the most desperate rapper wouldn’t freestyle over. God Bless Corporate America.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Once More, With Feeling...Don't Fire Mike Woodson!
Things seem to finally be coming together for Billy Knight’s Atlanta Hawks. Josh Smith and Marvin Williams have finally progressed to the point where they would have been coming out of college as seniors. Joe Johnson is the rock that the franchise rests upon. Al Horford and Acie Law are draft picks that weren’t complete wastes of time. And now, Billy Knight might have finally managed to get this team going in the really right direction by trading for Mike Bibby.
But that doesn’t mean that Billy Knight is a genius or even that deserving of credit. I’m pretty sure that somewhere, the law of averages says that even a monkey can screw up enough times and still manage to get it right. Just look at George Bush’s foreign policy.
See, even throughout the deadly exploding slapstick known as “Operation: Comedy of Errors,” we’re beginning to see positive results. The surge is working, even though it’s actually about six years later than his generals initially requested. Things are seemingly calming down over in Iraq and just through sheer persistence (and the fact that the enemy is willing to lessen their own numbers by blowing themselves up), the U.S. Military is probably going to prove the old axiom that you can’t kill them all utterly wrong.
At this point, you might be wondering to yourself, “Is he really comparing the Skirmish in Iraq to basketball?” If you’re looking at the fact that there were eventually lucky idiots at the helm in both situations, then I sure am.
Billy Knight came to Atlanta and immediately began dismantling the losing squad that was here, something he’s immensely good at. “Bargain Closeout” Billy Knight got rid of everyone that was here, and got to work drafting high school players and early draft entries based on “potential.” Then, he started just defying the smarts that God gave retards and passed up Chris Paul, Deron Williams, and Brandon Roy to draft Marvin and Shelden Williams (no relation).
He brought in Antoine Walker, Stephen Jackson, and Al Harrington. He traded away Boris Diaw, who blossomed somewhere else. He’s managed to cement his place as one of the worst GMs in the NBA today, and yet no one’s demanding he be fired or keying his car or anything like that. Why?
Because he’s letting Mike Woodson take the fall for all of this.
Mike Woodson has coached the team that Billy Knight has put together and done it without complaint. His coaching has actually made the ragtag group of journeymen and small forwards better than they were before he got here. Under his watch, Josh Smith “Is In Foul Trouble” and Marvin Williams are exactly where they would have been had they gone to college for four years. He’s gotten this team to play defense. Their wins have increased every year since he’s been here. And yet, the Atlanta sportswriters’ community (whom no one has ever accused of being knowledgeable) thinks that Woodson is the problem.
Let’s be real here, when your team is undersized in the frontcourt and has no real floor general, and the guy making the trades is forever distracted by buzzwords like “potential” or “freakish wingspan,” your coach could be Phil K. Riley-Wooden and still lose 60% of their games. A lesser coach would have set a record for being the first coach to have a negative win total when you consider everything Mike Woodson’s been saddled with.
And now that Mike Bibby is here, everyone believes that this team no longer has any excuses. That Mike Woodson is on the hot seat. That all is right with this roster filled with redundant players who just got out of puberty five minutes ago. The truth is, even that will take a period of adjustment. After all, Mike Bibby is something that the Hawks haven’t had since Mookie Blaylock: A real point guard. Thing is, if Knight had drafted Chris Paul to begin with, he wouldn’t have had to trade for Bibby.
Even though Knight has shot Mike Woodson in both feet every time Draft Day comes around, if Woodson can’t get this team to the playoffs this season, he’ll likely be fired. Knight will have bought himself another few years to screw up, and Mark Bradley of the AJC still will have no idea what he’s talking about.
But this team has managed to get positive results despite the string of blown moves by its commander-in-chief, who will come out of this smelling like a rose. Unfortunately, for Mike Woodson, he’s about to be judged based on whether or not he could succeed despite his incompetent leadership.
Sounds just like Dubya to me.
But that doesn’t mean that Billy Knight is a genius or even that deserving of credit. I’m pretty sure that somewhere, the law of averages says that even a monkey can screw up enough times and still manage to get it right. Just look at George Bush’s foreign policy.
See, even throughout the deadly exploding slapstick known as “Operation: Comedy of Errors,” we’re beginning to see positive results. The surge is working, even though it’s actually about six years later than his generals initially requested. Things are seemingly calming down over in Iraq and just through sheer persistence (and the fact that the enemy is willing to lessen their own numbers by blowing themselves up), the U.S. Military is probably going to prove the old axiom that you can’t kill them all utterly wrong.
At this point, you might be wondering to yourself, “Is he really comparing the Skirmish in Iraq to basketball?” If you’re looking at the fact that there were eventually lucky idiots at the helm in both situations, then I sure am.
Billy Knight came to Atlanta and immediately began dismantling the losing squad that was here, something he’s immensely good at. “Bargain Closeout” Billy Knight got rid of everyone that was here, and got to work drafting high school players and early draft entries based on “potential.” Then, he started just defying the smarts that God gave retards and passed up Chris Paul, Deron Williams, and Brandon Roy to draft Marvin and Shelden Williams (no relation).
He brought in Antoine Walker, Stephen Jackson, and Al Harrington. He traded away Boris Diaw, who blossomed somewhere else. He’s managed to cement his place as one of the worst GMs in the NBA today, and yet no one’s demanding he be fired or keying his car or anything like that. Why?
Because he’s letting Mike Woodson take the fall for all of this.
Mike Woodson has coached the team that Billy Knight has put together and done it without complaint. His coaching has actually made the ragtag group of journeymen and small forwards better than they were before he got here. Under his watch, Josh Smith “Is In Foul Trouble” and Marvin Williams are exactly where they would have been had they gone to college for four years. He’s gotten this team to play defense. Their wins have increased every year since he’s been here. And yet, the Atlanta sportswriters’ community (whom no one has ever accused of being knowledgeable) thinks that Woodson is the problem.
Let’s be real here, when your team is undersized in the frontcourt and has no real floor general, and the guy making the trades is forever distracted by buzzwords like “potential” or “freakish wingspan,” your coach could be Phil K. Riley-Wooden and still lose 60% of their games. A lesser coach would have set a record for being the first coach to have a negative win total when you consider everything Mike Woodson’s been saddled with.
And now that Mike Bibby is here, everyone believes that this team no longer has any excuses. That Mike Woodson is on the hot seat. That all is right with this roster filled with redundant players who just got out of puberty five minutes ago. The truth is, even that will take a period of adjustment. After all, Mike Bibby is something that the Hawks haven’t had since Mookie Blaylock: A real point guard. Thing is, if Knight had drafted Chris Paul to begin with, he wouldn’t have had to trade for Bibby.
Even though Knight has shot Mike Woodson in both feet every time Draft Day comes around, if Woodson can’t get this team to the playoffs this season, he’ll likely be fired. Knight will have bought himself another few years to screw up, and Mark Bradley of the AJC still will have no idea what he’s talking about.
But this team has managed to get positive results despite the string of blown moves by its commander-in-chief, who will come out of this smelling like a rose. Unfortunately, for Mike Woodson, he’s about to be judged based on whether or not he could succeed despite his incompetent leadership.
Sounds just like Dubya to me.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Legal Abortions: The Lesser Evil
The Human Life Amendment (H.R. 536) is being proposed as an amendment to the Georgia Constitution, which would define a life at the point of conception as a person. The passing of this amendment would automatically make Roe vs. Wade irrelevant, making abortion illegal, at least in Georgia.
Basically, if you live in Georgia, get your abortions while you can, because something this vague has an excellent chance of passing, even though it grants protection to what's essentially a virus or a symbiote, something completely incapable of independent life. But that's not the real issue here.
The anti-abortionists will have finally found a way to win, but what will that victory mean? At first glance, it just seems like abortion would just be illegal. All those "planned parenthood" clinics all over the country that are killing babies on the government's dime would have to cut all that noise out. But would that be the end of abortion in America?
The short answer is "no." The long answer is "Man, hell no."
How naive do you have to be to think that the law or a court case being overturned would get rid of abortion? The law can't even get rid of bootleg movies. Remember the Prohibition? All that did was make people rich and get Irish Catholics elected President.
All that's going to happen, should abortion ever be outlawed, is that black market sales of abortions will skyrocket. That's all. Everyone that really wants one will get one, like hookers. It doesn't matter what the churches or pro-lifers want. This is America, the land of supply and demand. If you want it, it can be had. Someone will always be willing to cut a baby out of you, albeit for a higher price, if it's illegal. Sterilization and continued health, not guaranteed.
Pro-lifers should just let this one go, because all it's going to do is make things worse. Much like the choice that the Catholic Church had to make with the fight against AIDS vs. the fight against protection against AIDS, sometimes you gotta pick the lesser of two evils. Yeah, you might get rid of legal abortions, but you just opened the floodgates for very illegal ones. I know pro-lifers have good intentions, but aside from being extremely annoying and judgmental people, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And in this case, so is the road to bacterial infection.
Sure, in a perfect world, there would be no need for abortions. But we don't live in that world, because people won't stop humping each other. In this flawed world of ours, we have to have realistic solutions to the problems that we face, like attacking terrorists with bombs instead of flowers or canceling reality TV shows instead of watching them.
Attacking abortion isn't solving the problem. It's just a symptom of a greater problem, the root of which is unprotected sex, something almost impossible to solve because people seem to really hate condoms. And while we might not always agree when our 17-year-old daughter says, "I want an abortion," if they were to do it, would you prefer that they went to a place that's all legal and clean, or go behind your back and hit up Dr. Craig, the Back Alley Practitioner?
Really, you'd be impressed to see what Dr. Craig can do with a minimum of actual training and a lack of time, due to the planned police raid at his "office."
Whether abortion is right or wrong can be argued from here to eternity, and I don't have the time or energy to do that. But until we actually decide the rightness or wrongness of it, let's at least agree to keep it where we can see it and regulate it. Making it illegal won't necessarily make it all better.
Except for Dr. Craig. Business has been kind of slow lately.
Basically, if you live in Georgia, get your abortions while you can, because something this vague has an excellent chance of passing, even though it grants protection to what's essentially a virus or a symbiote, something completely incapable of independent life. But that's not the real issue here.
The anti-abortionists will have finally found a way to win, but what will that victory mean? At first glance, it just seems like abortion would just be illegal. All those "planned parenthood" clinics all over the country that are killing babies on the government's dime would have to cut all that noise out. But would that be the end of abortion in America?
The short answer is "no." The long answer is "Man, hell no."
How naive do you have to be to think that the law or a court case being overturned would get rid of abortion? The law can't even get rid of bootleg movies. Remember the Prohibition? All that did was make people rich and get Irish Catholics elected President.
All that's going to happen, should abortion ever be outlawed, is that black market sales of abortions will skyrocket. That's all. Everyone that really wants one will get one, like hookers. It doesn't matter what the churches or pro-lifers want. This is America, the land of supply and demand. If you want it, it can be had. Someone will always be willing to cut a baby out of you, albeit for a higher price, if it's illegal. Sterilization and continued health, not guaranteed.
Pro-lifers should just let this one go, because all it's going to do is make things worse. Much like the choice that the Catholic Church had to make with the fight against AIDS vs. the fight against protection against AIDS, sometimes you gotta pick the lesser of two evils. Yeah, you might get rid of legal abortions, but you just opened the floodgates for very illegal ones. I know pro-lifers have good intentions, but aside from being extremely annoying and judgmental people, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And in this case, so is the road to bacterial infection.
Sure, in a perfect world, there would be no need for abortions. But we don't live in that world, because people won't stop humping each other. In this flawed world of ours, we have to have realistic solutions to the problems that we face, like attacking terrorists with bombs instead of flowers or canceling reality TV shows instead of watching them.
Attacking abortion isn't solving the problem. It's just a symptom of a greater problem, the root of which is unprotected sex, something almost impossible to solve because people seem to really hate condoms. And while we might not always agree when our 17-year-old daughter says, "I want an abortion," if they were to do it, would you prefer that they went to a place that's all legal and clean, or go behind your back and hit up Dr. Craig, the Back Alley Practitioner?
Really, you'd be impressed to see what Dr. Craig can do with a minimum of actual training and a lack of time, due to the planned police raid at his "office."
Whether abortion is right or wrong can be argued from here to eternity, and I don't have the time or energy to do that. But until we actually decide the rightness or wrongness of it, let's at least agree to keep it where we can see it and regulate it. Making it illegal won't necessarily make it all better.
Except for Dr. Craig. Business has been kind of slow lately.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
How to Fleece the Stupid (or Shaq Got Traded Where?)
Steve Kerr is off to a fine start as Phoenix Suns' General Manager.
The training wheels come off as he makes his first big trade and likely sends that Phoenix bike careening headlong into that San Antonio oncoming traffic. The Suns are reportedly trading the disgruntled Shawn Marion and the completely ineffective, yet overpaid Marcus Banks for Shaquille O'Neal, apparently so Steve Kerr can experience crushing defeat, after all those years of winning championships in Chicago and San Antonio. Steve Kerr is going to cripple the league's most explosive offense by adding a 35 year old center that has trouble just staying healthy these days, let alone running up and down the floor.
Of course, this gives Shawn Marion what he wants, which is a chance to prove that he can be the man, which he'll get every opportunity to do after Dwyane Wade gets hit with double teams and is forced to give the ball up. I say that to say that Wade is the man in Miami and will stay the man in Miami, unless Wade has a heroin habit that we don't know about yet. Dwyane Wade made one of the greatest players of all time HIS sidekick. What chance does Shawn Marion think he'll have of breaking out?
Months ago, I predicted that Marion would leave Phoenix and become the answer to "Whatever happened to...?" question. I set the over/under at 2 seasons.
Phoenix will have an extra $20 million in cap space to play with in two years, when Shaq's deal is up, and they get rid of a scowling face in the locker room, one with freakishly long arms, could jump out of the gym, and could defend four positions. I don't know what Shaq is getting, except the chance to actually hinder a team for once in his career. When asked for comment, Shaq quickly ended a phone conversation where his last words were, "Make sure no one can identify the body. She'll be home alone tomorrow night." I wonder what that was about.
In between short moments of actually doing what I was supposed to be doing at work, I thought about why this deal would actually be made. I can't say that Miami is really benefitting, because outside of Shaq and Udonis Haslem, everyone on their roster is a forward. I guess 6'2" Marcus Banks will break up the monotony. They still don't have a second dependable scorer, because unless I missed the part where Shawn Marion developed a game that didn't revolve around catching lobs from Steve Nash, they still don't have one. They still don't have any reliable outside shooting, but I guess having Marcus Banks is better than having Ricky Davis or an empty pair of sneakers out there. On a side note, the sneakers have a higher shooting percentage than Davis.
I don't see how Marion is benefitting, other than getting out of Phoenix, which is what he believes he wanted. But in two weeks, he'll be sitting on the bench wondering exactly when he smoked all the crack that made him think that leaving Nash was a good idea.
Phoenix isn't benefitting, because they just lost a key component to their offensive game plan. If this was Shaq 2000, I'd suggest bringing in some investigators, because there was some theivery that went down. Or at least some regret, because there would have had to been some embarrassing pictures involved. But that's not what they got. They got the 2008 model. This model is still pretty funny, but this one backfires when you start it up and the bumper falls off if you stop the car too fast. I don't see how the Suns are a better team with Shaq and not Marion, but then again, if I could see how this would work, I'd either have a much better paying job or an LSD habit.
So I guess the winner here is Shaq, because he's going to keep his streak of teams with records at .500 or better going, thanks to a mathematical impossibility (there's only 34 games left). He doesn't really have to work that hard, because all their positions are already filled. He's in the same division as L.A., which already has something of a rivalry with the Suns, and with Kobe still a Laker, I'm sure David Stern already has the promotion machine lined up, with advice from Don King.
Of course, purple's not really a slimming color. Just ask Charles Barkley. Even still, Shaq wins. And chubby chasers who are also basketball fans.
The training wheels come off as he makes his first big trade and likely sends that Phoenix bike careening headlong into that San Antonio oncoming traffic. The Suns are reportedly trading the disgruntled Shawn Marion and the completely ineffective, yet overpaid Marcus Banks for Shaquille O'Neal, apparently so Steve Kerr can experience crushing defeat, after all those years of winning championships in Chicago and San Antonio. Steve Kerr is going to cripple the league's most explosive offense by adding a 35 year old center that has trouble just staying healthy these days, let alone running up and down the floor.
Of course, this gives Shawn Marion what he wants, which is a chance to prove that he can be the man, which he'll get every opportunity to do after Dwyane Wade gets hit with double teams and is forced to give the ball up. I say that to say that Wade is the man in Miami and will stay the man in Miami, unless Wade has a heroin habit that we don't know about yet. Dwyane Wade made one of the greatest players of all time HIS sidekick. What chance does Shawn Marion think he'll have of breaking out?
Months ago, I predicted that Marion would leave Phoenix and become the answer to "Whatever happened to...?" question. I set the over/under at 2 seasons.
Phoenix will have an extra $20 million in cap space to play with in two years, when Shaq's deal is up, and they get rid of a scowling face in the locker room, one with freakishly long arms, could jump out of the gym, and could defend four positions. I don't know what Shaq is getting, except the chance to actually hinder a team for once in his career. When asked for comment, Shaq quickly ended a phone conversation where his last words were, "Make sure no one can identify the body. She'll be home alone tomorrow night." I wonder what that was about.
In between short moments of actually doing what I was supposed to be doing at work, I thought about why this deal would actually be made. I can't say that Miami is really benefitting, because outside of Shaq and Udonis Haslem, everyone on their roster is a forward. I guess 6'2" Marcus Banks will break up the monotony. They still don't have a second dependable scorer, because unless I missed the part where Shawn Marion developed a game that didn't revolve around catching lobs from Steve Nash, they still don't have one. They still don't have any reliable outside shooting, but I guess having Marcus Banks is better than having Ricky Davis or an empty pair of sneakers out there. On a side note, the sneakers have a higher shooting percentage than Davis.
I don't see how Marion is benefitting, other than getting out of Phoenix, which is what he believes he wanted. But in two weeks, he'll be sitting on the bench wondering exactly when he smoked all the crack that made him think that leaving Nash was a good idea.
Phoenix isn't benefitting, because they just lost a key component to their offensive game plan. If this was Shaq 2000, I'd suggest bringing in some investigators, because there was some theivery that went down. Or at least some regret, because there would have had to been some embarrassing pictures involved. But that's not what they got. They got the 2008 model. This model is still pretty funny, but this one backfires when you start it up and the bumper falls off if you stop the car too fast. I don't see how the Suns are a better team with Shaq and not Marion, but then again, if I could see how this would work, I'd either have a much better paying job or an LSD habit.
So I guess the winner here is Shaq, because he's going to keep his streak of teams with records at .500 or better going, thanks to a mathematical impossibility (there's only 34 games left). He doesn't really have to work that hard, because all their positions are already filled. He's in the same division as L.A., which already has something of a rivalry with the Suns, and with Kobe still a Laker, I'm sure David Stern already has the promotion machine lined up, with advice from Don King.
Of course, purple's not really a slimming color. Just ask Charles Barkley. Even still, Shaq wins. And chubby chasers who are also basketball fans.
Monday, February 04, 2008
The Taste of New England Crow Chowder
Okay, so it really didn't take an extra team on the field for the Patriots to be beaten. Okay, so maybe I was exaggerating just a little bit. So the Invincible Boston Juggernaut wasn't completely unbeatable. As a result, I went in to work today, not wanting to talk about the game to anyone.
But why am I so defensive? I don't even like the Patriots. I mean, Rodney Harrison and Asante Samuel are cool, and if the Falcons had an offensive line half as good as theirs, Michael Vick wouldn't have taken that bump on the head that made him think he was a criminal mastermind. I could watch Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth until Cross Colours come back in style, but I flat-out despise Tom Brady, to the point where I could actually be considered a "hater." And there I was, rooting for the Patriots to blow teams out all season long. The Evil Empire.
This Patriots loss, however, is going to go down as the single biggest upset in professional sports. Bigger than Buster Douglas, bigger than Broadway Joe. Let's face it, the season, in the eyes of many, was decided in September (or in my case, before the ink dried on Randy Moss's contract). For Boston fans, the Red Sox winning the World Series was a nice surprise and the Celtics success has been icing on the cake, but the Patriots winning the Super Bowl this year was supposed to be sure thing, a foregone conclusion, kinda like "Cavemen" getting cancelled or when fat people enter a buffet. The Patriots losing this game was like watching six fat people at the buffet, but they're all on a diet. Just a horrible, horrible letdown.
It really doesn't hurt though, because I've never liked the Patriots in the first place. I've spent many an hour defending my stance that Tom Brady is not the bee's knees. I've wasted lots of time that I could have spent talking to girls or being productive claiming that Brady is merely a very good quarterback who benefits from a very balanced system. If anything, this loss gives my argument a little traction. This is the kind of loss that I've envisioned for five years for this team, and it came at the time when I was actually on their side, no matter how many ulcers it caused me. I couldn't wait for the game to be over so I could get back to hating Brady, like God intended. I had mentally written a column about it all two weeks ago.
As for the Giants, they played an awesome game. Their victory is like the ending to a movie or something. Starting with Michael Strahan's holdout, Tiki Barber's retirement and subsequent bashing of Eli Manning, the 0-2 start (with the defense giving up, like 80 points), Plaxico Burress's ankle kissing its health good-bye, the controversial decision to actually play the Pats in the last week (not knowing that it would inspire the Giants to beat that same team a month later), setting an NFL record with 11 straight road wins, everyone overwhelmingly picking against them in each round of the playoffs and ending the season with an emotional interview from Plaxico. It was more unreal than the ending to "Teen Wolf," and that movie involved an imaginary monster who played basketball.
The most interesting thing here is Tiki Barber's reaction to everything. I think he's just better of just changing his name to "Ronde," or better yet, "Shaun Alexander," because no one watches Seahawks games, anyway. No one will know the difference except for the obvious improvements in rushing yards.
But here was a guy who was supposed to set the broadcasting world on fire. Here was a guy who was supposed to have modeling and acting deals falling from the sky. Here's a guy who couldn't wait to get away from football and the Giants and start working the talk show circuit, even though he's never exhibited any real charisma or insight into anything, including football. And so, he spent the entire 2007-08 season playing quietly at the retarded kids' table on NBC's "Football Night in America," watching the team that he abandoned (and constantly insulted) exceed all expectations and win the Super Bowl, fighting back in the inevitable onslaught of history called the New England Patriots.
Good call, Tiki. You're a true wealth of knowledge.
But why am I so defensive? I don't even like the Patriots. I mean, Rodney Harrison and Asante Samuel are cool, and if the Falcons had an offensive line half as good as theirs, Michael Vick wouldn't have taken that bump on the head that made him think he was a criminal mastermind. I could watch Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Donte Stallworth until Cross Colours come back in style, but I flat-out despise Tom Brady, to the point where I could actually be considered a "hater." And there I was, rooting for the Patriots to blow teams out all season long. The Evil Empire.
This Patriots loss, however, is going to go down as the single biggest upset in professional sports. Bigger than Buster Douglas, bigger than Broadway Joe. Let's face it, the season, in the eyes of many, was decided in September (or in my case, before the ink dried on Randy Moss's contract). For Boston fans, the Red Sox winning the World Series was a nice surprise and the Celtics success has been icing on the cake, but the Patriots winning the Super Bowl this year was supposed to be sure thing, a foregone conclusion, kinda like "Cavemen" getting cancelled or when fat people enter a buffet. The Patriots losing this game was like watching six fat people at the buffet, but they're all on a diet. Just a horrible, horrible letdown.
It really doesn't hurt though, because I've never liked the Patriots in the first place. I've spent many an hour defending my stance that Tom Brady is not the bee's knees. I've wasted lots of time that I could have spent talking to girls or being productive claiming that Brady is merely a very good quarterback who benefits from a very balanced system. If anything, this loss gives my argument a little traction. This is the kind of loss that I've envisioned for five years for this team, and it came at the time when I was actually on their side, no matter how many ulcers it caused me. I couldn't wait for the game to be over so I could get back to hating Brady, like God intended. I had mentally written a column about it all two weeks ago.
As for the Giants, they played an awesome game. Their victory is like the ending to a movie or something. Starting with Michael Strahan's holdout, Tiki Barber's retirement and subsequent bashing of Eli Manning, the 0-2 start (with the defense giving up, like 80 points), Plaxico Burress's ankle kissing its health good-bye, the controversial decision to actually play the Pats in the last week (not knowing that it would inspire the Giants to beat that same team a month later), setting an NFL record with 11 straight road wins, everyone overwhelmingly picking against them in each round of the playoffs and ending the season with an emotional interview from Plaxico. It was more unreal than the ending to "Teen Wolf," and that movie involved an imaginary monster who played basketball.
The most interesting thing here is Tiki Barber's reaction to everything. I think he's just better of just changing his name to "Ronde," or better yet, "Shaun Alexander," because no one watches Seahawks games, anyway. No one will know the difference except for the obvious improvements in rushing yards.
But here was a guy who was supposed to set the broadcasting world on fire. Here was a guy who was supposed to have modeling and acting deals falling from the sky. Here's a guy who couldn't wait to get away from football and the Giants and start working the talk show circuit, even though he's never exhibited any real charisma or insight into anything, including football. And so, he spent the entire 2007-08 season playing quietly at the retarded kids' table on NBC's "Football Night in America," watching the team that he abandoned (and constantly insulted) exceed all expectations and win the Super Bowl, fighting back in the inevitable onslaught of history called the New England Patriots.
Good call, Tiki. You're a true wealth of knowledge.
Really, I wonder what it's like being Tiki Barber today. I mean, I'm sure he'll be alright, what with his adventures tag-teaming women with his brother, free Escalades, and diamond-encrusted dinosaur-egg breakfasts, but even still, this has got to sting. In one fell swoop, his entire retirement and broadcasting career was reduced to being the tell-all interview with an actor who just left a hit show to pursue an ill-fated movie career and the show got better in his absence. Congrats, Tiki. You are football's version of David Caruso on an old episode of Access Hollywood.
On another day, I would have been rooting for this team, because it's hard not to be proud of them, having seen what they had to deal with all season. And through it all, they beat that which was unbeaten, in addition to three other teams that were all supposed to be better. Even though I picked against you (four times, you bastards), congratulations to the New York Giants.
Still...it would have been nice to see an undefeated team. Oh, well. They'll all be back next year. It's not like they won't try it again.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
A Teddy Bear Named Mohammed
A British teacher in the Sudan has been arrested for letting her class of 7-year-olds name a teddy bear "Mohammed." The sentence for this crime can be 40 lashes, a year in prison, or a fine. This comes on the heels of a Saudi woman who was sentenced to six months in jail for allowed herself to be gang raped. After all, how dare this woman carry her well-covered vagina into a car with a man who wasn't a relative?
Muslims....can you see at all why the rest of us don't want to live under your Islamic Sharia law?
If I can get 40 lashes for mistakenly calling an inanimate object "Mohammed," or jail time for not being able to make other people control their own sexual urges, then I'll just ride this "Capitalistic White Devil Society" thing out. What other laws do you guys have over there that the less insane parts of the world haven't even considered yet? Is peeing on the seat punishable by castration? Is the punishment for drinking out of the carton having your house burned down?
At least America has laws that I can understand, like how you're not supposed to shoot people or stop at red lights. For lazy people like myself who require laws that don't make studying religious texts a pre-requisite, the land of the Great White Satan is the place to be. I can even understand why the Japanese once (and sometimes still do) prefer death to dishonor. I mean, I'd never do it because whatever happened, I'm sure I'd get over it, but if they want to jam a sword in their stomachs, more power to them. But getting offended at me for accidentally showing the bottoms of my shoes is ridiculous.
Apparently, the first commandment for Muslims is "Thou shalt overreact to all things non-threatening."
Allah loves us so much that he'd send the Prophet Mohammed (peace be unto him, because I don't want him using his otherworldly powers to destroy me) to saddle us with a legal system that doesn't allow for anything enjoyable, reasonable, logical, or sensible. It's like the Bible times 1000. It was named "Sharia" to take the edge off of it, because "Sharia" sounds like it might have sunshine and flowers in it. The first name they used was "The Anti-Common Sense Laws of Bloody Destructor Pain."
The charge for the "Satan's Insidious Teddy Bear Plot of 2007" relates to "insulting religion and inciting hatred." They're so right about that, because nothing makes me want to put a brick through the nearest skull than a plush stuffed animal.
It can soothe a child after their current nightmares, right before inciting the riot that sets off their next round of nightmares. Yea verily, the teddy bear is a versatile creation.
Maybe I just don't understand, because I'm an unbeliever, a heathen, AND an infidel. Perhaps something is lost in the translation between those who believe in God so much that they'd imprison a recently raped woman and my evil, hate-filled, Hell-bound brain. I just can't imagine that a God who claims to love us all would want me punished for naming inanimate objects "Mohammed," but is okay with exploding lunatics killing people in his name.
I think I'm going to start naming some of my things "Mohammed" to see how quickly I get struck down or my apartment gets burned down by easily offended Muslims in their quest for justice. When I get home, the first thing I'm going to do is turn on the Mohammed and watch some Mohammed. Then I'll look in the Mohammed to see if I have any Mohammed to drink, right before I turn on my X-Mohammed and play some Mohammed games.
Should I die in the next 24 hours, you'll know that this experiment didn't go well.
If any Muslims out there happen to read the above paragraph, please let me know how offended you were on a scale of 1 to Mohammed. If the rating is anything greater than negative one trillion, then it is further proof to me that somewhere in the Qur'an is a passage that says that you're not allowed to know that I'm joking. Clearly, there isn't one in there that tells you when your leaders are being stupid.
Muslims....can you see at all why the rest of us don't want to live under your Islamic Sharia law?
If I can get 40 lashes for mistakenly calling an inanimate object "Mohammed," or jail time for not being able to make other people control their own sexual urges, then I'll just ride this "Capitalistic White Devil Society" thing out. What other laws do you guys have over there that the less insane parts of the world haven't even considered yet? Is peeing on the seat punishable by castration? Is the punishment for drinking out of the carton having your house burned down?
At least America has laws that I can understand, like how you're not supposed to shoot people or stop at red lights. For lazy people like myself who require laws that don't make studying religious texts a pre-requisite, the land of the Great White Satan is the place to be. I can even understand why the Japanese once (and sometimes still do) prefer death to dishonor. I mean, I'd never do it because whatever happened, I'm sure I'd get over it, but if they want to jam a sword in their stomachs, more power to them. But getting offended at me for accidentally showing the bottoms of my shoes is ridiculous.
Apparently, the first commandment for Muslims is "Thou shalt overreact to all things non-threatening."
Allah loves us so much that he'd send the Prophet Mohammed (peace be unto him, because I don't want him using his otherworldly powers to destroy me) to saddle us with a legal system that doesn't allow for anything enjoyable, reasonable, logical, or sensible. It's like the Bible times 1000. It was named "Sharia" to take the edge off of it, because "Sharia" sounds like it might have sunshine and flowers in it. The first name they used was "The Anti-Common Sense Laws of Bloody Destructor Pain."
The charge for the "Satan's Insidious Teddy Bear Plot of 2007" relates to "insulting religion and inciting hatred." They're so right about that, because nothing makes me want to put a brick through the nearest skull than a plush stuffed animal.
It can soothe a child after their current nightmares, right before inciting the riot that sets off their next round of nightmares. Yea verily, the teddy bear is a versatile creation.
Maybe I just don't understand, because I'm an unbeliever, a heathen, AND an infidel. Perhaps something is lost in the translation between those who believe in God so much that they'd imprison a recently raped woman and my evil, hate-filled, Hell-bound brain. I just can't imagine that a God who claims to love us all would want me punished for naming inanimate objects "Mohammed," but is okay with exploding lunatics killing people in his name.
I think I'm going to start naming some of my things "Mohammed" to see how quickly I get struck down or my apartment gets burned down by easily offended Muslims in their quest for justice. When I get home, the first thing I'm going to do is turn on the Mohammed and watch some Mohammed. Then I'll look in the Mohammed to see if I have any Mohammed to drink, right before I turn on my X-Mohammed and play some Mohammed games.
Should I die in the next 24 hours, you'll know that this experiment didn't go well.
If any Muslims out there happen to read the above paragraph, please let me know how offended you were on a scale of 1 to Mohammed. If the rating is anything greater than negative one trillion, then it is further proof to me that somewhere in the Qur'an is a passage that says that you're not allowed to know that I'm joking. Clearly, there isn't one in there that tells you when your leaders are being stupid.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
What did Nick Saban do this time?
A little known fact about the sports writers’ community: Their secondary job is to be our moral compass. They are the guides who keep us out of the offensive abyss of depravity, the lighthouse on the shores of decency that keeps us from crashing into the rocks of immorality. I didn’t realize this until today, when they reminded us yet again of what we should and shouldn’t say, because after all, being able to analyze sporting events automatically qualifies you to be an expert on what passes for acceptable speech. I hear Ann Landers got her job after spending 10 years coaching women’s badminton.
University of Alabama football coach Nick Saban re-established his ties to the Prince of Darkness yet again, not for abandoning his job for more money, but for comparing football losses to 9/11 and Pearl Harbor. It probably isn’t a connection that should be made, but because sports writers are the lemmings of the reporting world, I decided to reserve judgment until I heard the comments for myself.
And like always, a group of the world’s highest paid retards have overreacted. I could already see Bob Ryan spitting all over the camera in outrage.
Even when a spokesman at Alabama clarified what he meant (something that shouldn’t have to be done if one wasn’t actively seeking to find fault with people), the sports writers felt it wasn’t good enough and that Saban should have apologized to everyone. I think the sports writers need to explain this to everyone: “What exactly was so damn offensive?”
I heard what Saban said, and understood what he meant without having my hand held by the spokesperson, something that’s easy to do when your motivation isn’t to be the first person to condemn someone else. But for the people who don’t think that brainpower is a requirement to process information, allow me to clear all of this up.
Saban wasn’t comparing football to our national atrocities and he’s not disrespecting anyone by having them in the same sentence. If that were the case, I should be criticized every time I have “Atlanta Falcons” and “winners” in the same sentence. The fault isn’t with him, the fault is with all of his critics for claiming that he said something wrong and jumping down his throat just because they don’t like him.
If you listen to his words without passing judgment in advance you’ll see that he’s merely saying that in times of tragedy, advancements are made. That’s all. And in the context of college football, losing to some no-name school from the backwoods of Alabama is a tragedy when you’re playing for the Crimson Tide. Look at the effect that losing to Appalachian St. had on Michigan earlier this season. They don’t even have a mascot that sounds like a euphemism for “menstrual cycle.”
Evoking 9/11 was a way to illustrate an example of when advancements were made following tragedy and it was one that everyone would know. He could have used “The Battle of Pisswater” that followed the “Invasion of the Turd Miner Homestead,” but then no one would have known what he was talking about.
Clearly, Nick Saban’s only crime (and mine, apparently) is not knowing that the ban on mentioning or referring to anything that happened on September 11, 2001 is still in effect for anyone not named George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, or Rudolph Giuliani.
It really shouldn’t take the words of some hack blogger to explain things like logic and common sense to people whose job it is to sway public opinion, and yet, here I am, doing it again. This would be so much easier if I already worked at ESPN. It’s just a suggestion.
University of Alabama football coach Nick Saban re-established his ties to the Prince of Darkness yet again, not for abandoning his job for more money, but for comparing football losses to 9/11 and Pearl Harbor. It probably isn’t a connection that should be made, but because sports writers are the lemmings of the reporting world, I decided to reserve judgment until I heard the comments for myself.
And like always, a group of the world’s highest paid retards have overreacted. I could already see Bob Ryan spitting all over the camera in outrage.
Even when a spokesman at Alabama clarified what he meant (something that shouldn’t have to be done if one wasn’t actively seeking to find fault with people), the sports writers felt it wasn’t good enough and that Saban should have apologized to everyone. I think the sports writers need to explain this to everyone: “What exactly was so damn offensive?”
I heard what Saban said, and understood what he meant without having my hand held by the spokesperson, something that’s easy to do when your motivation isn’t to be the first person to condemn someone else. But for the people who don’t think that brainpower is a requirement to process information, allow me to clear all of this up.
Saban wasn’t comparing football to our national atrocities and he’s not disrespecting anyone by having them in the same sentence. If that were the case, I should be criticized every time I have “Atlanta Falcons” and “winners” in the same sentence. The fault isn’t with him, the fault is with all of his critics for claiming that he said something wrong and jumping down his throat just because they don’t like him.
If you listen to his words without passing judgment in advance you’ll see that he’s merely saying that in times of tragedy, advancements are made. That’s all. And in the context of college football, losing to some no-name school from the backwoods of Alabama is a tragedy when you’re playing for the Crimson Tide. Look at the effect that losing to Appalachian St. had on Michigan earlier this season. They don’t even have a mascot that sounds like a euphemism for “menstrual cycle.”
Evoking 9/11 was a way to illustrate an example of when advancements were made following tragedy and it was one that everyone would know. He could have used “The Battle of Pisswater” that followed the “Invasion of the Turd Miner Homestead,” but then no one would have known what he was talking about.
Clearly, Nick Saban’s only crime (and mine, apparently) is not knowing that the ban on mentioning or referring to anything that happened on September 11, 2001 is still in effect for anyone not named George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, or Rudolph Giuliani.
It really shouldn’t take the words of some hack blogger to explain things like logic and common sense to people whose job it is to sway public opinion, and yet, here I am, doing it again. This would be so much easier if I already worked at ESPN. It’s just a suggestion.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Barry Bonds' Indictment: Is it all worth it?
Minutes after Barry Bonds was indicted on federal perjury and obstruction of justice charges, ESPN had a statement from the President of the United States on this matter. Doesn’t matter what he said, but I know he didn’t respond to the Jena 6 situation that quickly. Shows where his priorities lie.
The equation for the Bush’s concern level would read:
Baseball > Black Americans’ Ongoing Struggle for Racial Equality.
But anyway...
Four years and millions of dollars were devoted to building a case against Barry Bonds. For that kind of persistence, one might think that Barry Bonds was a president-killing-child-rapist with ties to al-Qaeda. Or that he was plotting to overthrow the government and inject all of us with AIDS. Maybe he was caught putting crack and urine in the drinking water. But no, he’s being indicted for lying to the government and possibly paying his friend not to rat him out.
No, for real. I’m so sincere.
And should he be convicted, he could get up to 30 years in prison, for four counts of perjury (five years each) and one count of obstruction of justice (10 years). And what did Barry Bonds lie to a federal grand jury about? Did he lie about his involvement in the revelation of a secret agent’s true identity? Did he lie about our government’s reasons for invading a sovereign nation? Did he even cover up something that possibly involved bringing harm or death to another human being? No, he allegedly lied about whether or not he knew the stuff in the syringe in his butt was steroids. For all he knew, it could have been fruit juices or concentrated happiness.
And with that, one of America’s most hated human beings is going to go to trial. I say “one of” because O.J. Simpson still draws breath.
I’m actually curious to know what lies he allegedly told that are worth four counts of perjury. The only thing he was most likely asked about was whether or not he knowingly took steroids and how many lies can you really tell about that? Couldn’t they just whittle that down to one charge?
No, of course they couldn’t, because the government was bound and determined to get dangerous criminals like Barry Bonds into jail and off the streets where he could knowingly give someone incorrect directions to the grocery store or what time the results show for “Dancing With the Stars” is coming on.
Was all of this really necessary for a dishonest person? Look, no one’s saying that Barry Bonds didn’t do anything that he’s accused of doing. Certainly, I’m not defending his alleged *wink wink* steroid use and alleged lies told. What I’m saying is, was four years and millions of dollars to bring this man down really called for? He wasn’t the only one using steroids and he definitely wasn’t the only one lying to the government, but unless it was written in invisible ink, I don’t see Mark McGwire’s, Sammy Sosa’s, and Rafael Palmiero’s names anywhere on the indictment.
Do you know how many actual criminals the government could have brought down in four years? Imagine if this kind of persistence and focus had been applied to something that matters, like The War on Otherwise Innocuous Words or Lindsay Lohan’s War on Sobriety. In half that time, we’d be done waging war on concepts and Lindsay Lohan would be so drunk that she couldn’t even see anymore.
Seriously, it’s not like Bonds was giving away government secrets or was a threat to national security. He was covering his own ass about the level of horse piss in his veins, which ranks among things like “elected official lies about his love for cock in his mouth” or “Hypocrite Newt Gingrich has also cheated on his wife and lied about it” for importance in the court system. Everyone lies to the government. I lied once and told the government I lived somewhere where I didn’t so I could register my car in another state and not have to pass emissions. Should I spend four years of my life in jail for that? And should the government dedicate their lives to bringing me down?
Like I said, I’m not defending Bonds, but I am saying that all of this is overkill. How is this going to make the world safer for anyone? How is this even going to improve baseball? The man is 43 and about to retire, anyway. His records have already been set. He’s not selling steroids to anyone and everyone who wants to take steroids is already taking them. What is this really going to do? I guess since the home run record has already been broken and all of that money has already exchanged hands, it won’t hurt to go ahead and bring down the biggest name in baseball. Or is the timing of this only suspect to me?
I’m not even saying that he shouldn’t be in trouble, just that all of this effort isn’t worth the payoff. Putting Barry Bonds in jail isn’t going to even begin to clean up the drug problem in baseball. It’s not going to change anything. It’s like claiming that putting Mel Gibson in jail is the first step to ridding the world of alcoholism.
The equation for the Bush’s concern level would read:
Baseball > Black Americans’ Ongoing Struggle for Racial Equality.
But anyway...
Four years and millions of dollars were devoted to building a case against Barry Bonds. For that kind of persistence, one might think that Barry Bonds was a president-killing-child-rapist with ties to al-Qaeda. Or that he was plotting to overthrow the government and inject all of us with AIDS. Maybe he was caught putting crack and urine in the drinking water. But no, he’s being indicted for lying to the government and possibly paying his friend not to rat him out.
No, for real. I’m so sincere.
And should he be convicted, he could get up to 30 years in prison, for four counts of perjury (five years each) and one count of obstruction of justice (10 years). And what did Barry Bonds lie to a federal grand jury about? Did he lie about his involvement in the revelation of a secret agent’s true identity? Did he lie about our government’s reasons for invading a sovereign nation? Did he even cover up something that possibly involved bringing harm or death to another human being? No, he allegedly lied about whether or not he knew the stuff in the syringe in his butt was steroids. For all he knew, it could have been fruit juices or concentrated happiness.
And with that, one of America’s most hated human beings is going to go to trial. I say “one of” because O.J. Simpson still draws breath.
I’m actually curious to know what lies he allegedly told that are worth four counts of perjury. The only thing he was most likely asked about was whether or not he knowingly took steroids and how many lies can you really tell about that? Couldn’t they just whittle that down to one charge?
No, of course they couldn’t, because the government was bound and determined to get dangerous criminals like Barry Bonds into jail and off the streets where he could knowingly give someone incorrect directions to the grocery store or what time the results show for “Dancing With the Stars” is coming on.
Was all of this really necessary for a dishonest person? Look, no one’s saying that Barry Bonds didn’t do anything that he’s accused of doing. Certainly, I’m not defending his alleged *wink wink* steroid use and alleged lies told. What I’m saying is, was four years and millions of dollars to bring this man down really called for? He wasn’t the only one using steroids and he definitely wasn’t the only one lying to the government, but unless it was written in invisible ink, I don’t see Mark McGwire’s, Sammy Sosa’s, and Rafael Palmiero’s names anywhere on the indictment.
Do you know how many actual criminals the government could have brought down in four years? Imagine if this kind of persistence and focus had been applied to something that matters, like The War on Otherwise Innocuous Words or Lindsay Lohan’s War on Sobriety. In half that time, we’d be done waging war on concepts and Lindsay Lohan would be so drunk that she couldn’t even see anymore.
Seriously, it’s not like Bonds was giving away government secrets or was a threat to national security. He was covering his own ass about the level of horse piss in his veins, which ranks among things like “elected official lies about his love for cock in his mouth” or “Hypocrite Newt Gingrich has also cheated on his wife and lied about it” for importance in the court system. Everyone lies to the government. I lied once and told the government I lived somewhere where I didn’t so I could register my car in another state and not have to pass emissions. Should I spend four years of my life in jail for that? And should the government dedicate their lives to bringing me down?
Like I said, I’m not defending Bonds, but I am saying that all of this is overkill. How is this going to make the world safer for anyone? How is this even going to improve baseball? The man is 43 and about to retire, anyway. His records have already been set. He’s not selling steroids to anyone and everyone who wants to take steroids is already taking them. What is this really going to do? I guess since the home run record has already been broken and all of that money has already exchanged hands, it won’t hurt to go ahead and bring down the biggest name in baseball. Or is the timing of this only suspect to me?
I’m not even saying that he shouldn’t be in trouble, just that all of this effort isn’t worth the payoff. Putting Barry Bonds in jail isn’t going to even begin to clean up the drug problem in baseball. It’s not going to change anything. It’s like claiming that putting Mel Gibson in jail is the first step to ridding the world of alcoholism.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
The Electrocution of the Ancients
The Chicago Police have shown us the way: It takes tasering to stop the rise of the octogenarians.
The police tasered an 82-year-old woman who held them up at hammer-point. With her immense strength, she could have easily punched holes in the drywall or accidentally busted out her TV. Chicago PD could take no chances with their safety when facing down this wrinkled whirlwind of fury.
And with that, they were tasering their way into the history books. This could have only been a bigger story if we could have actually watched it on YouTube. These guys have managed to blow past the “Don’t tase me, bro,” guy as the greatest potential for jokes involving unnecessary taser use.
They had to be wondering how funny it would be to shock the crap out of this woman, because one look into her cataracts and anyone could see that she wasn’t a threat to anyone, even with a hammer. She was more likely to break her own wrists from the shock of actually making contact with something.
Not only that, she was suffering from schizophrenia AND dementia. Chances are, she didn’t even know the cops were in the room. She was probably swinging at her hallucinations of the giant, singing lollipops that were fighting the Teletubbies.
But the cops couldn’t be too sure, because this clearly insane woman had the reflexes of a person nearly two to three hundred years older than she was and the dexterity of a person with only one broken hip. This highly trained police force was in mortal danger and could only rely on potentially hilarious technology to quell what could have been a bloody attack led by a person who, according to people on the scene, “constantly struggled with her juice box.”
There’s a lot of outrage surrounding this incident, as the police could have used a different tactic to disarm and subdue the toothless assassin. Of course, there was no way to know when she was going to need her diaper changed and willingly put the hammer down.
I probably shouldn’t be making jokes about this, because I remember just last year when the Atlanta SWAT Team, when fearing for their lives, shot the hell out of an old woman who thought the cops were burglars and bravely held off an entire squad with a six-shooter. Those cops couldn’t be bothered to see if she’d ever run out of bullets so they matched her force with over 120 rounds of machine gun fire. It sounds so ridiculous that it’s probably what I would have compared this situation in Chicago with if it didn’t actually happen.
Or maybe we’ve all missed the point. Maybe all these incidents are calculated tactics intended to lower crime, because either these cops have gone completely crazy or they haven’t quite figured out where the line is drawn for “excessive force.” And if these so-called trained professionals can’t see how sending 100,000 volts of electricity through a woman three times their age might be considered “excessive,” their gambit is working, because I’ll never give them any problems next time they tell me I ran that stop light.
They’ll have a funny story to tell, though, because it’s a safe bet I’ll have already pissed on myself next time I see blue lights flashing behind me.
The police tasered an 82-year-old woman who held them up at hammer-point. With her immense strength, she could have easily punched holes in the drywall or accidentally busted out her TV. Chicago PD could take no chances with their safety when facing down this wrinkled whirlwind of fury.
And with that, they were tasering their way into the history books. This could have only been a bigger story if we could have actually watched it on YouTube. These guys have managed to blow past the “Don’t tase me, bro,” guy as the greatest potential for jokes involving unnecessary taser use.
They had to be wondering how funny it would be to shock the crap out of this woman, because one look into her cataracts and anyone could see that she wasn’t a threat to anyone, even with a hammer. She was more likely to break her own wrists from the shock of actually making contact with something.
Not only that, she was suffering from schizophrenia AND dementia. Chances are, she didn’t even know the cops were in the room. She was probably swinging at her hallucinations of the giant, singing lollipops that were fighting the Teletubbies.
But the cops couldn’t be too sure, because this clearly insane woman had the reflexes of a person nearly two to three hundred years older than she was and the dexterity of a person with only one broken hip. This highly trained police force was in mortal danger and could only rely on potentially hilarious technology to quell what could have been a bloody attack led by a person who, according to people on the scene, “constantly struggled with her juice box.”
There’s a lot of outrage surrounding this incident, as the police could have used a different tactic to disarm and subdue the toothless assassin. Of course, there was no way to know when she was going to need her diaper changed and willingly put the hammer down.
I probably shouldn’t be making jokes about this, because I remember just last year when the Atlanta SWAT Team, when fearing for their lives, shot the hell out of an old woman who thought the cops were burglars and bravely held off an entire squad with a six-shooter. Those cops couldn’t be bothered to see if she’d ever run out of bullets so they matched her force with over 120 rounds of machine gun fire. It sounds so ridiculous that it’s probably what I would have compared this situation in Chicago with if it didn’t actually happen.
Or maybe we’ve all missed the point. Maybe all these incidents are calculated tactics intended to lower crime, because either these cops have gone completely crazy or they haven’t quite figured out where the line is drawn for “excessive force.” And if these so-called trained professionals can’t see how sending 100,000 volts of electricity through a woman three times their age might be considered “excessive,” their gambit is working, because I’ll never give them any problems next time they tell me I ran that stop light.
They’ll have a funny story to tell, though, because it’s a safe bet I’ll have already pissed on myself next time I see blue lights flashing behind me.
Ricky, Mercury, and Alex
Maybe they can trade him to the Knicks?
Ricky Williams has been reinstated by the NFL after an 18-month suspension as a result of his efforts to prove to the world that marijuana IS addictive, orgasmic, and quite delicious. The question on everyone’s mind is not the over/under for “Weeks before Ricky Williams fails another drug test,” but instead, “Should the Dolphins take him back?”
I say why the hell not? What’s the worst that can happen?
The Miami Dolphins are already paying celebrities to come to home games in a desperate attempt to trick star-watching fans in the area to wander into the stadium and maybe catch a glimpse of that guy from Survivor: Upper Antilles, or that drunk chick from the O.C., and in an ironic twist, this year’s Dolphins are in danger of going 0-16 in the same season that the Patriots are trying to surpass the 1972 Dolphins’ Undefeated Season (more on this in a second). Why not give the fans the hope of seeing an on-field train wreck?
What do they have to lose? They’re already a lock for the number 1 overall draft pick and it’s not like they have any other options at running back because Ronnie Brown is hurt, and I can’t be bothered to remember their back-up’s name. What, are they worried about messing up their team chemistry? Are they afraid that Ricky Williams will disrupt their precision offense? Maybe they just think he’ll sell weed to the rest of the team.
No matter what reason anyone could come up with for why the Dolphins shouldn’t take Ricky back, I can very easily just throw this out there: That only applies to teams that have something worth saving. The Dolphins are already in trouble for years to come, so they’re not exactly rolling the dice here. They’re not even flipping coins.
Mercury Morris’s Apparent Death Wish
There are very few things in life that are funnier than crazy old people, and one of them is probably crazy old people crapping on themselves. But if you don’t have any of those around, you can always look for crazy old people that used to be famous and are desperate for some face time. And that brings us, once again, to Mercury Morris of the undefeated 1972 Dolphins, who has started running off at the mouth about his block, when you should and shouldn’t call him, furniture moving, and something about the Titanic. Then, he started throwing crap at reporters.
Oh, that wacky Grandpa Mercury. When did you stop taking your pills?
The man is about 70 years old, but the way he’s talking, you’d think that should the Patriots go undefeated, the 1972 Dolphins will suit up and play the Pats in the Ultimate Lightning Bowl Wrapped in Barbed Wire. And for their sake, I hope that they don’t play the Patriots, because it can only give us the opportunity to see what it looks like to see old people explode in a cloud of their own bone fragments.
The Steinbrenners could have had me for 1% of that.
Last month, Alex Rodriguez asked the New York Yankees for a contract totaling $350 million. No word on how many years that contract would be for, but I can confirm that he did mean to say “$350 million.” That’s dollars, not rubles or Monopoly money.
He couldn’t have been serious about that amount, because no one whose head is on straight would take that offer, unless they’re dyslexic, in which case, the numbers they would actually see on the paper would read “$000,053,000 dollars.” The best player in baseball would be a bargain.
The amount that he was asking for is of Dr. Evil proportions, at which point, you might as well just start making up numbers, because no one’s signing him for that much money. Then again, no one could believe that Texas would sign him for $252 million, so why not take a shot at eleventeen bajillion dollars? $30,000 kazillion? After all, the next closest offer was for less than half that.
Whoo-wee, those are some great negotiating skills, Tom Hicks. How you’re not in the poorhouse is beyond me.
Anyway, the Yankees told him to go fuck himself. And after Alex Rodriguez saw that no other major league teams had money-printing machines in their clubhouses or owners that were incapable of breaking the laws of good business sense to sign him, he crawled back to the Yankees…and the Yankees apparently, are going to take him back and all of his post-season chokery. All of this for the bargain-basement price of $275 million dollars, in 10 yearly installments.
The Steinbrenners should be in the poorhouse alongside Tom Hicks.
Anyone who thinks that A-Rod has been debased or demoralized by coming back to the Yankees needs to look at the numbers again. They’re paying him MORE than they were the first time. Yeah, the Yankees really showed A-Rod. Boy, they sure got over on him.
Not only is he getting paid more over the life of the deal, the Yankees have to pay all of it this time. Remember, the Rangers were still paying part of his salary, and when he opted out on his contract, all of that went out of the window. So the Yankees payroll just went up again. Who’s getting the better end of this again? I mean, aside from the Texas Rangers.
He had no other takers and someone is still willing to break the bank to pay him. Professional sports management: A breeding ground for the retarded.
Ricky Williams has been reinstated by the NFL after an 18-month suspension as a result of his efforts to prove to the world that marijuana IS addictive, orgasmic, and quite delicious. The question on everyone’s mind is not the over/under for “Weeks before Ricky Williams fails another drug test,” but instead, “Should the Dolphins take him back?”
I say why the hell not? What’s the worst that can happen?
The Miami Dolphins are already paying celebrities to come to home games in a desperate attempt to trick star-watching fans in the area to wander into the stadium and maybe catch a glimpse of that guy from Survivor: Upper Antilles, or that drunk chick from the O.C., and in an ironic twist, this year’s Dolphins are in danger of going 0-16 in the same season that the Patriots are trying to surpass the 1972 Dolphins’ Undefeated Season (more on this in a second). Why not give the fans the hope of seeing an on-field train wreck?
What do they have to lose? They’re already a lock for the number 1 overall draft pick and it’s not like they have any other options at running back because Ronnie Brown is hurt, and I can’t be bothered to remember their back-up’s name. What, are they worried about messing up their team chemistry? Are they afraid that Ricky Williams will disrupt their precision offense? Maybe they just think he’ll sell weed to the rest of the team.
No matter what reason anyone could come up with for why the Dolphins shouldn’t take Ricky back, I can very easily just throw this out there: That only applies to teams that have something worth saving. The Dolphins are already in trouble for years to come, so they’re not exactly rolling the dice here. They’re not even flipping coins.
Mercury Morris’s Apparent Death Wish
There are very few things in life that are funnier than crazy old people, and one of them is probably crazy old people crapping on themselves. But if you don’t have any of those around, you can always look for crazy old people that used to be famous and are desperate for some face time. And that brings us, once again, to Mercury Morris of the undefeated 1972 Dolphins, who has started running off at the mouth about his block, when you should and shouldn’t call him, furniture moving, and something about the Titanic. Then, he started throwing crap at reporters.
Oh, that wacky Grandpa Mercury. When did you stop taking your pills?
The man is about 70 years old, but the way he’s talking, you’d think that should the Patriots go undefeated, the 1972 Dolphins will suit up and play the Pats in the Ultimate Lightning Bowl Wrapped in Barbed Wire. And for their sake, I hope that they don’t play the Patriots, because it can only give us the opportunity to see what it looks like to see old people explode in a cloud of their own bone fragments.
The Steinbrenners could have had me for 1% of that.
Last month, Alex Rodriguez asked the New York Yankees for a contract totaling $350 million. No word on how many years that contract would be for, but I can confirm that he did mean to say “$350 million.” That’s dollars, not rubles or Monopoly money.
He couldn’t have been serious about that amount, because no one whose head is on straight would take that offer, unless they’re dyslexic, in which case, the numbers they would actually see on the paper would read “$000,053,000 dollars.” The best player in baseball would be a bargain.
The amount that he was asking for is of Dr. Evil proportions, at which point, you might as well just start making up numbers, because no one’s signing him for that much money. Then again, no one could believe that Texas would sign him for $252 million, so why not take a shot at eleventeen bajillion dollars? $30,000 kazillion? After all, the next closest offer was for less than half that.
Whoo-wee, those are some great negotiating skills, Tom Hicks. How you’re not in the poorhouse is beyond me.
Anyway, the Yankees told him to go fuck himself. And after Alex Rodriguez saw that no other major league teams had money-printing machines in their clubhouses or owners that were incapable of breaking the laws of good business sense to sign him, he crawled back to the Yankees…and the Yankees apparently, are going to take him back and all of his post-season chokery. All of this for the bargain-basement price of $275 million dollars, in 10 yearly installments.
The Steinbrenners should be in the poorhouse alongside Tom Hicks.
Anyone who thinks that A-Rod has been debased or demoralized by coming back to the Yankees needs to look at the numbers again. They’re paying him MORE than they were the first time. Yeah, the Yankees really showed A-Rod. Boy, they sure got over on him.
Not only is he getting paid more over the life of the deal, the Yankees have to pay all of it this time. Remember, the Rangers were still paying part of his salary, and when he opted out on his contract, all of that went out of the window. So the Yankees payroll just went up again. Who’s getting the better end of this again? I mean, aside from the Texas Rangers.
He had no other takers and someone is still willing to break the bank to pay him. Professional sports management: A breeding ground for the retarded.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Should I be offended by Katt Williams' noose?
Katt Williams got on TV at the BET Hip-Hop Awards wearing a noose around his neck. I know this is old news, but I tend to stay away from television shows that exemplify a high-level of niggerdom. It's the same reason why I never watched the Source Awards or anything with Snoop Dogg in it.
Katt Williams followed that up with an appearance on CNN's "Out in the Open," a show that I was surprised to discover wasn't about the lives of gay people in an increasingly hostile world. Turns out, it's a show where the tough questions are asked, apparently. And during Katt Williams appearance, instead of answering the questions, he preferred to dance around them.
A lot of people were upset by what Katt Williams did, but I wasn't so sure that I should be one of them, so I decided to find out exactly what he said and did. I wanted to know if there was a statement he was making or anything like that, because it's not like I can just start defending or condemning the guy just based on a picture. Katt Williams has never been a source of political commentary before. He has, however, been the last bastion of support in the world of pimpery.
He's not like Nas, who has named his next album "Nigger," and touched off a flurry of hurt feelings and yelling and whatnot from black leaders, but support from people who actually listen to hip-hop. The reason why he's getting that support is because we know where Nas is coming from before we hear the album. If Nas is naming his album "Nigger," I'm sure he's got a reason for it. Nas isn't into shock value, as evidenced by his underwhelming album sales and lack of promotion. And I think it's a safe bet that Nas won't have songs about the joys of slavery or a remix of "I Wish I Was In Dixie."
So, I don't know where Katt Williams was coming from. The controversy surrounding the noose as of late was a clear inspiration, but what's the message he was trying to send? I didn't see his CNN appearance, but I did read the transcript of the show. Other than saying, "We have to get past this," he wasn't really clear about his message. That quote wasn't saying anything. He used the same line on "The Boondocks" when he was trying to convince Tom that "going upside a bitch's head" was the right way to "get the desired result"of obedience.
Should I be mad about what Katt Williams did? I'm still undecided on that. After all, I'm still not any closer to understanding why he did it. I'm not changing my stance on the noose, because after all, it's still a direct link to the days when lynchings were publicly acceptable. I'm not going to go off on Katt Williams, either, because I'm still pretty confused. I do think that the people who were hanging dummies from their houses on Halloween with nooses should be allowed to do that, because let's face it...it's Halloween and I'm pretty sure that the noose had already been invented well before the Klan got a hold to it.
I guess unless he's prepared to make a statement on why he did this, the best thing for Katt Williams to do is to take the noose off, along with his pink suit. The noose notwithstanding, the man ALWAYS looks ridiculous whenever he's in public.
Katt Williams followed that up with an appearance on CNN's "Out in the Open," a show that I was surprised to discover wasn't about the lives of gay people in an increasingly hostile world. Turns out, it's a show where the tough questions are asked, apparently. And during Katt Williams appearance, instead of answering the questions, he preferred to dance around them.
A lot of people were upset by what Katt Williams did, but I wasn't so sure that I should be one of them, so I decided to find out exactly what he said and did. I wanted to know if there was a statement he was making or anything like that, because it's not like I can just start defending or condemning the guy just based on a picture. Katt Williams has never been a source of political commentary before. He has, however, been the last bastion of support in the world of pimpery.
He's not like Nas, who has named his next album "Nigger," and touched off a flurry of hurt feelings and yelling and whatnot from black leaders, but support from people who actually listen to hip-hop. The reason why he's getting that support is because we know where Nas is coming from before we hear the album. If Nas is naming his album "Nigger," I'm sure he's got a reason for it. Nas isn't into shock value, as evidenced by his underwhelming album sales and lack of promotion. And I think it's a safe bet that Nas won't have songs about the joys of slavery or a remix of "I Wish I Was In Dixie."
So, I don't know where Katt Williams was coming from. The controversy surrounding the noose as of late was a clear inspiration, but what's the message he was trying to send? I didn't see his CNN appearance, but I did read the transcript of the show. Other than saying, "We have to get past this," he wasn't really clear about his message. That quote wasn't saying anything. He used the same line on "The Boondocks" when he was trying to convince Tom that "going upside a bitch's head" was the right way to "get the desired result"of obedience.
Should I be mad about what Katt Williams did? I'm still undecided on that. After all, I'm still not any closer to understanding why he did it. I'm not changing my stance on the noose, because after all, it's still a direct link to the days when lynchings were publicly acceptable. I'm not going to go off on Katt Williams, either, because I'm still pretty confused. I do think that the people who were hanging dummies from their houses on Halloween with nooses should be allowed to do that, because let's face it...it's Halloween and I'm pretty sure that the noose had already been invented well before the Klan got a hold to it.
I guess unless he's prepared to make a statement on why he did this, the best thing for Katt Williams to do is to take the noose off, along with his pink suit. The noose notwithstanding, the man ALWAYS looks ridiculous whenever he's in public.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Hugging your friends will initiate the Apocalypse, scientists say
Clearly, this is just preparation for the day when The Body Snatchers invade our world and are looking for those who exhibit smiles and happiness as the tip-off for people who haven't been assimilated into their collective yet. Or perhaps we're just being protected from that prophecy in the Bible that states that being happy and enjoying the companionship of your friends is what gives the Anti-Christ his power to begin storming the gates of Heaven. It's all for our own good.
Mascoutah Middle School student Megan Coulter was given two days detention for daring to risk her own life and the lives of two friends by hugging them before leaving school. Noble and protective Superintendent Sam McGowan thinks that this is okay to do, because it was printed in the student handbook. He followed his reasoning up with "Duh!" and was later quoted as saying, "School by-laws state that logic and reason are not allowed on school property." The rules must have been written by the Catholic Church.
Coulter tried to justify her reprehensible acts by claiming that they "weren't even full-on hugs, just an innocent arm around the shoulder and a slight squeeze." Lord knows what could have happened if she used two arms. Her friends might have let out a joyous reaction of some sort before the Pod People set upon their school. Witnesses to this horrible crime would have burst into flames or their heads would have exploded. We simply can't have people liking each other in public.
Really, this one is stupid, even for me. If it's wrong to show affection to your fellow classmates, how long is it going to be before we're not allowed to wave or wink at people? Hell, for shut-ins like me, the first hugs I ever got from people who weren't already related to me were girls at school. Speaking of my school experiences, had I gone to this school, they probably would have executed me by way of lethal injection, because I spent most of the 8th grade grabbing the ass of the girl that I liked at the time. I didn't know any better, but I won't apologize because she got her payback in the form of punching me in the crotch. True story.
Coulter was quoted as saying, "Nobody can believe it," and I would suggest that's because the average person tends to do their thinking while their brain is actually inside their head and not when it's sitting in a pickle jar under their desk. How stupid do you have to be not only to write a rule like this, but actually enforce it? Seriously, does it hurt to be this retarded?
Or maybe these people are just evil. Assistant Principal Randy Blakely was the one who handed down the punishment, and if you add up all of the letters in his name, divide them by "Sigma" and multiply the answer by 163, before converting it all into AASCI code, you'll get a message that states that "Randy Blakely will usher in the war on happy feelings." Our only defense from this will be the Care Bear Stare.
Seriously, what is a rule like this going to prove, that even the most asisine rules will be enforced? It's not like she was tongue-kissing her shirtless friends before pulling a strap-on out of her locker, and it's not like she was anally raping them, despite their cries that she stop. She gave her friends a half-hug. She's a eighth grade girl, and anyone who doesn't understand that girls like touching people as a show of affection clearly doesn't need to be supervising a middle school full of them.
And there's no need for a superintendent or principal who can't be bothered to think aloud that a rule where students aren't allowed to physically show affection could possibly be a stupid one. What these administrators don't understand is that the kids can see how stupid this is and will openly mock the teachers for this. They've just lost all their credibility amongst people whose voices still crack. Next time Randy Blakely comes around a group of students and they start fake hugging each other in his face, he's got no one else to blame except his ability to question a rule that anyone could see doesn't make any sense.
Be on the lookout for a mother being brought up on molestation charges for kissing her kids goodbye on school grounds or a 12 year old boy getting arrested for indecent exposure when he's called up to the board to work on a math problem during his accidental erection. This is what's in our future.
Mascoutah Middle School student Megan Coulter was given two days detention for daring to risk her own life and the lives of two friends by hugging them before leaving school. Noble and protective Superintendent Sam McGowan thinks that this is okay to do, because it was printed in the student handbook. He followed his reasoning up with "Duh!" and was later quoted as saying, "School by-laws state that logic and reason are not allowed on school property." The rules must have been written by the Catholic Church.
Coulter tried to justify her reprehensible acts by claiming that they "weren't even full-on hugs, just an innocent arm around the shoulder and a slight squeeze." Lord knows what could have happened if she used two arms. Her friends might have let out a joyous reaction of some sort before the Pod People set upon their school. Witnesses to this horrible crime would have burst into flames or their heads would have exploded. We simply can't have people liking each other in public.
Really, this one is stupid, even for me. If it's wrong to show affection to your fellow classmates, how long is it going to be before we're not allowed to wave or wink at people? Hell, for shut-ins like me, the first hugs I ever got from people who weren't already related to me were girls at school. Speaking of my school experiences, had I gone to this school, they probably would have executed me by way of lethal injection, because I spent most of the 8th grade grabbing the ass of the girl that I liked at the time. I didn't know any better, but I won't apologize because she got her payback in the form of punching me in the crotch. True story.
Coulter was quoted as saying, "Nobody can believe it," and I would suggest that's because the average person tends to do their thinking while their brain is actually inside their head and not when it's sitting in a pickle jar under their desk. How stupid do you have to be not only to write a rule like this, but actually enforce it? Seriously, does it hurt to be this retarded?
Or maybe these people are just evil. Assistant Principal Randy Blakely was the one who handed down the punishment, and if you add up all of the letters in his name, divide them by "Sigma" and multiply the answer by 163, before converting it all into AASCI code, you'll get a message that states that "Randy Blakely will usher in the war on happy feelings." Our only defense from this will be the Care Bear Stare.
Seriously, what is a rule like this going to prove, that even the most asisine rules will be enforced? It's not like she was tongue-kissing her shirtless friends before pulling a strap-on out of her locker, and it's not like she was anally raping them, despite their cries that she stop. She gave her friends a half-hug. She's a eighth grade girl, and anyone who doesn't understand that girls like touching people as a show of affection clearly doesn't need to be supervising a middle school full of them.
And there's no need for a superintendent or principal who can't be bothered to think aloud that a rule where students aren't allowed to physically show affection could possibly be a stupid one. What these administrators don't understand is that the kids can see how stupid this is and will openly mock the teachers for this. They've just lost all their credibility amongst people whose voices still crack. Next time Randy Blakely comes around a group of students and they start fake hugging each other in his face, he's got no one else to blame except his ability to question a rule that anyone could see doesn't make any sense.
Be on the lookout for a mother being brought up on molestation charges for kissing her kids goodbye on school grounds or a 12 year old boy getting arrested for indecent exposure when he's called up to the board to work on a math problem during his accidental erection. This is what's in our future.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Your phone book thinks you're stupid
The cover of my phone book actually says, "Please do not use while operating a motor vehicle." I decided to heed the advice, not because of my glaring lack of X-Ray vision or because I depend on my phone book to keep me out of life-threatening situations, but instead because my brain is so full of knowledge that I know not to casually leaf through the phone book while I'm driving.
When did we become a world of idiots? If I actually need a warning to let me know that I shouldn't sprinkle rat poison on my pancakes because it's 1000% more fatal that powdered sugar, or that the air around me will eventually run out if I wear a plastic bag on my head, I'm in worse trouble than warnings on innocuous, everyday objects will be able to save me from.
I'm assuming that this is being done because corporations are allergic to being sued, like most people, but this is a pretty overkill reaction. Sure, that women who claimed not to know that scalding hot coffee burns got over, and so did the family of the robber who was killed by a booby trap set by the guy who was repeatedly robbed, but I don't think anyone, anywhere would say, "You're right. It's the phone company fault that you drove your car into a shopping mall. They shouldn't have made that phone book of theirs such a page-turner that you couldn't help but continue to read it, even when you supposed to be operating a 2,000 pound vehicle moving at a high rate of speed."
Do you know anyone who would seriously try to sue someone over this? Do you know a lawyer who would tell this person that they would take their case on any other day besides April 1st? If you do, I need to you do me a favor: Put them behind the wheel of a larger, even faster vehicle, like a light-rail train or a space shuttle, turn it on and give them another phone book. Maybe the next time they allow themselves to be completely distracted by the most boring book in Creation, they'll take themselves out in the process.
Corporations of America...we're not all stupid. I know we've fallen in love with texting while we're driving and shows that feature people hurting themselves for advertising dollars, but seriously...stop putting messages like this on your products. If there really is someone out there who'll fall into the tempting trap that is eating pop rocks and dynamite because they want a bigger explosion in their mouth, all the warnings in the world aren't going to keep them from blowing themselves up. And chances are, they're probably not smart enough to sue you, anyway. Assuming they live through it. Let's all pray that they don't.
When did we become a world of idiots? If I actually need a warning to let me know that I shouldn't sprinkle rat poison on my pancakes because it's 1000% more fatal that powdered sugar, or that the air around me will eventually run out if I wear a plastic bag on my head, I'm in worse trouble than warnings on innocuous, everyday objects will be able to save me from.
I'm assuming that this is being done because corporations are allergic to being sued, like most people, but this is a pretty overkill reaction. Sure, that women who claimed not to know that scalding hot coffee burns got over, and so did the family of the robber who was killed by a booby trap set by the guy who was repeatedly robbed, but I don't think anyone, anywhere would say, "You're right. It's the phone company fault that you drove your car into a shopping mall. They shouldn't have made that phone book of theirs such a page-turner that you couldn't help but continue to read it, even when you supposed to be operating a 2,000 pound vehicle moving at a high rate of speed."
Do you know anyone who would seriously try to sue someone over this? Do you know a lawyer who would tell this person that they would take their case on any other day besides April 1st? If you do, I need to you do me a favor: Put them behind the wheel of a larger, even faster vehicle, like a light-rail train or a space shuttle, turn it on and give them another phone book. Maybe the next time they allow themselves to be completely distracted by the most boring book in Creation, they'll take themselves out in the process.
Corporations of America...we're not all stupid. I know we've fallen in love with texting while we're driving and shows that feature people hurting themselves for advertising dollars, but seriously...stop putting messages like this on your products. If there really is someone out there who'll fall into the tempting trap that is eating pop rocks and dynamite because they want a bigger explosion in their mouth, all the warnings in the world aren't going to keep them from blowing themselves up. And chances are, they're probably not smart enough to sue you, anyway. Assuming they live through it. Let's all pray that they don't.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Week 7 - Welcome to Jobber City
“No problem,
That’s the mentality of what’s known in professional wrestling as “enhancement talent,” otherwise called the “jobber.”
What is a jobber? A jobber is a guy whose sole duty is to go out there and lose, yet somehow make the other wrestler look as dominating as possible in the process, or “do the job” as they say behind the curtain. A jobber is usually a guy you’ve never heard of and aren’t likely to ever see again, unless he’s jobbing for another wrestler. Jobbers don’t beat name wrestlers and jobbers never move up the ladder. When you’re a jobber, you’re a jobber for life.
The Atlanta Falcons have historically played the role of “jobber” in the world of football. If you’re looking to keep that win-streak going, want a nice bump to your stats, or just need a win to keep your season from completely imploding, you should pray that the Falcons are next on your schedule. You’re almost guaranteed a win.
In wrestling, some of the best jobbers have been the ones who made you believe that they could actually win the match. It adds a layer of suspense and drama to a match that ordinarily wouldn’t have been there. You become sucked into the idea that this upstart, S.D. Jones, could somehow take down Ted Dibiase. Jones even gets some offense in. Then Jones goes for his finisher, misses, and Dibiase escapes with the win.
And even though wrestling isn’t real, and you knew the ending to this match when you noticed that they didn’t even bother to give S.D. Jones a real introduction, for about two minutes, you thought S.D. Jones might win. That’s exactly what happened today during the Falcons’ game.
Byron Leftwich was named the starter this week and brought with him a huge set of balls, because even though he was cut by
The defense held up well, like always, but it was Leftwich who provided the drama. His drives were impressive, capped by a touchdown late in the second quarter. The offense was playing better than they had all season. They were taking it to last season’s NFC South division winner, the New Orleans Saints, in the Superdome. For the first time all season, Falcons fans had hope.
But then came the point in the match where the established wrestler weathers the hot start by the jobber and takes control. Only in this case, it was by injuring Byron Leftwich and killing the sole hope that any Falcons’ fan had of winning this game. I was personally deflated by this, because it’s almost as if God doesn’t want the Falcons to have any sunshine on their faces this season.
We lost Michael Vick. We lost Matt Schaub. We lost D.J. Shockley before the season even started. We had gotten out from under Joey Harrington, who to his credit had played well this season, but no one’s going to be inspired by a quarterback with the soft, doe eyes that Harrington has. Just when we had been given our best chance to win, Leftwich had been taken away with a sprained ankle. It’s the same as when Jim Powers missed his dropkick because Mr. Perfect held onto the ropes.
The Saints followed that up with a touchdown. You could almost hear fans across
Only it didn’t happen that way. Harrington completed a few passes and the team kept moving the chains. They looked just good enough to make me believe that Harrington could hold on just long enough to secure the win. Let’s face it: This Saints team isn’t the same team that won the NFC South last year. They were 1-5 and were getting blown out left and right. The Saints had just won their first game last week. We could take these guys, right?
I honestly felt that way until the blown snap that lost 16 yards for us. After that, it was game over. Mr. Perfect had snuck in his PerfectPlex and that was all she wrote for the Falcons.
“Pin me, pay me,” that’s the Job Squad motto. The Falcons had just given the Saints their first win streak of the season and resurrected any hopes the Saints had of rallying and saving their season. The Falcons made the Saints look a little better before “putting them over.” That’s what a jobber does. The Falcons have had decades to practice their craft, and they are among the league’s top jobbers.
The Hawks are also jobbers. The Thrashers have never made the playoffs. The Braves have returned to the Job Squad after a run at the top of the card. The Falcons have never strayed too far from the bottom. When leagues have had discussions about retracting their teams,
Welcome to
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Inside, I pull China's punk card!
The Dalai Lama, who's been in living in exile since 1965, was awarded with the Congressional Medal of Honor on Wednesday. This has upset the People's Republic of China because they think the Dalai Lama, because they think he's a poo-poo face swimming around in Satan's toilet. Or that's what they would think if the government weren't officially atheist.
They made a semi-threat to these United States that basically came off like this, "If you're going to be her friend, then you can't come to my birthday party!" before slamming her locker door and storming away. Yes, in this example, the US, China, and the Dalai Lama are all superficial teenage girls. Or at least China is.
I know why China's so upset with the Dalai Lama. It's a stupid reason, but at least they have one. But to get mad at our government for being cool with him is a little retarded. He didn't kill anyone and didn't steal anything. Why are you so mad? And really, China...what are you gonna do about it?
What's the worst that you can do? Take back your poisonous toys and dog food? Stop flooding our dollar stores with bootleg merchandise? Are you gonna threaten to not share your bird flu with us? What, are you gonna ban us from the Olympics next year? Listen up, China...the Olympic Committee will ban you in your own country before they allow that to happen. You know how much money our country provides in ad revenue alone?
China, when you want to send veiled threats to another country, make sure that the country in question will actually care if you carry them out. This one won't. Maybe that strongarm tactic will work on North Korea or one of them loser countries that's dying to be paid attention to, but what's the worst that could happen? You're not gonna go to war over this, and it's stupid to think that making a mean face will make another country change it's internal policy decisions. So just shut up.
They made a semi-threat to these United States that basically came off like this, "If you're going to be her friend, then you can't come to my birthday party!" before slamming her locker door and storming away. Yes, in this example, the US, China, and the Dalai Lama are all superficial teenage girls. Or at least China is.
I know why China's so upset with the Dalai Lama. It's a stupid reason, but at least they have one. But to get mad at our government for being cool with him is a little retarded. He didn't kill anyone and didn't steal anything. Why are you so mad? And really, China...what are you gonna do about it?
What's the worst that you can do? Take back your poisonous toys and dog food? Stop flooding our dollar stores with bootleg merchandise? Are you gonna threaten to not share your bird flu with us? What, are you gonna ban us from the Olympics next year? Listen up, China...the Olympic Committee will ban you in your own country before they allow that to happen. You know how much money our country provides in ad revenue alone?
China, when you want to send veiled threats to another country, make sure that the country in question will actually care if you carry them out. This one won't. Maybe that strongarm tactic will work on North Korea or one of them loser countries that's dying to be paid attention to, but what's the worst that could happen? You're not gonna go to war over this, and it's stupid to think that making a mean face will make another country change it's internal policy decisions. So just shut up.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Better Late Than Never - Thanks, Starbury
It's that time of year when all the new basketball shoes have come out or are about to come out. I don't know the shoe release dates, because I've got a scrotum, which allows me to resist screaming like a teenage girl when the lime green and orange Retro Jordan IV's come out. I'm ashamed that I even know what the hell I just said.
But last year around this time, Stephon Marbury introduced his "Starbury" line of shoes and gear, centering it around the fact that it was affordable stuff, endorsed by an actual basketball player. Usually, when something like this has happened, it's either endorsed by a player that has no fans outside of his home city (Patrick Ewing) or a player or the shoes were so ugly that they offended people (Hakeem Olajuwon).
Marbury's line of products were actually the kind of product that wouldn't compel to spit in your grandmother's lemonade after she gave them to you for Christmas. They're actually a nice line of shoes, and he plays in them every night. They only cost $15 bucks a pair, so now people can stop selling kidneys for basketball shoes that will make the teasing stop.
This season, Ben Wallace of my Beloved Bulls (it's like "A Pimp Named Slickback;" you say the whole thing), has signed up to endorse shoes of his own, "The Big Ben Collection."
I know many people have done this last year, and I might have done it, too, but I can't remember back that far. I don't even have a weed habit to blame it all on, but I'd like to thank Stephon Marbury for putting out this line of shoes and Ben Wallace of my Beloved Bulls (that's gonna make my hand cramp up at some point) for joining the cause.
As many (or 4) people know, I am no fan of Stephon Marbury. I think he's a ballhog and was never that good of a point guard to begin with. And I continue to hold against him the fact that Penny Hardaway's career never took the upswing I predicted it would. But there's no denying he's done a good thing with this.
I'll be damned if I buy a still growing kid a pair of shoes that cost more than $100. And when they get to the point where they're not growing anymore, they can get a job and buy their own shit. However, with the Starbury line (as well as the Big Ben Collection), kids don't need to eat things found on the cafeteria floor for money to be cool anymore. The shoes don't fall apart when they get wet, and they don't look like Hakeem Olajuwon's shoe. I don't see why anyone wouldn't buy them after hearing that last part. Plus, you can buy them and have money left to go to Cinnabon.
I just hope that more players decide to sign on with Starbury on start similar companies. I know Shaq sells shoes at Wal-Mart, but there's a reason why his shoes are sold at Wal-Mart. I don't even think HE wears his own shoes. This idea would have caught on a lot faster if someone like LeBron James or Dwyane Wade had gotten behind it. Instead, we've got LeBron making comments like this, when asked if HE might one day endorse a low-priced shoe:
“No, I don’t think so,” James said. “Me being with Nike, we hold our standards high.”
Almost as high as their prices. Those stock options and quarterly bonuses aren't going to pay themselves. Go Starbury...just not on the court.
The line of shoes and clothes can be found exclusively at Steve and Barry's...which we don't have in Atlanta...and they don't sell merchandise on the website. The struggle continues...
But last year around this time, Stephon Marbury introduced his "Starbury" line of shoes and gear, centering it around the fact that it was affordable stuff, endorsed by an actual basketball player. Usually, when something like this has happened, it's either endorsed by a player that has no fans outside of his home city (Patrick Ewing) or a player or the shoes were so ugly that they offended people (Hakeem Olajuwon).
Marbury's line of products were actually the kind of product that wouldn't compel to spit in your grandmother's lemonade after she gave them to you for Christmas. They're actually a nice line of shoes, and he plays in them every night. They only cost $15 bucks a pair, so now people can stop selling kidneys for basketball shoes that will make the teasing stop.
This season, Ben Wallace of my Beloved Bulls (it's like "A Pimp Named Slickback;" you say the whole thing), has signed up to endorse shoes of his own, "The Big Ben Collection."
I know many people have done this last year, and I might have done it, too, but I can't remember back that far. I don't even have a weed habit to blame it all on, but I'd like to thank Stephon Marbury for putting out this line of shoes and Ben Wallace of my Beloved Bulls (that's gonna make my hand cramp up at some point) for joining the cause.
As many (or 4) people know, I am no fan of Stephon Marbury. I think he's a ballhog and was never that good of a point guard to begin with. And I continue to hold against him the fact that Penny Hardaway's career never took the upswing I predicted it would. But there's no denying he's done a good thing with this.
I'll be damned if I buy a still growing kid a pair of shoes that cost more than $100. And when they get to the point where they're not growing anymore, they can get a job and buy their own shit. However, with the Starbury line (as well as the Big Ben Collection), kids don't need to eat things found on the cafeteria floor for money to be cool anymore. The shoes don't fall apart when they get wet, and they don't look like Hakeem Olajuwon's shoe. I don't see why anyone wouldn't buy them after hearing that last part. Plus, you can buy them and have money left to go to Cinnabon.
I just hope that more players decide to sign on with Starbury on start similar companies. I know Shaq sells shoes at Wal-Mart, but there's a reason why his shoes are sold at Wal-Mart. I don't even think HE wears his own shoes. This idea would have caught on a lot faster if someone like LeBron James or Dwyane Wade had gotten behind it. Instead, we've got LeBron making comments like this, when asked if HE might one day endorse a low-priced shoe:
“No, I don’t think so,” James said. “Me being with Nike, we hold our standards high.”
Almost as high as their prices. Those stock options and quarterly bonuses aren't going to pay themselves. Go Starbury...just not on the court.
The line of shoes and clothes can be found exclusively at Steve and Barry's...which we don't have in Atlanta...and they don't sell merchandise on the website. The struggle continues...
Thursday, October 18, 2007
More Truth About the Truth
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the futility of the sports interview. Basically, you shouldn’t expect honest answers from these people, and you truthfully don’t want them. Case in point was US Women’s goalie Hope Solo, who ripped her coach for starting 36 year old Briana Scurry in their game against
Monday, October 15, 2007
Week 6 - My Descent Into Conspiracy Theories
I've discovered that there is a horrible condition that is affecting Atlanta Falcons' receivers. It's called "suckus receiverenidum," or "Peerless Price Syndrome." It's completely different from the condition that has devastated the Falcons secondary, "Caution: Flammable," or "Third Degree Burns." I'd show you my evidence, but it was destroyed when I let Lewis Sanders read it.
For those who remember, Peerless Price was a big free agent signing for Atlanta back in 2003. He had made his name in Buffalo, as the number 2 receiver behind Eric Moulds. He came here with big dreams of being the top receiver for the Falcons, but it wasn't long before everyone noticed that he didn't like to do things that number 1 receivers do, like catch the ball or make plays. During his two years in Atlanta, his stats plummeted. Suddenly, his name had become something of an ironic joke.
When he was released in 2005, Atlanta rejoiced, because we thought we had seen the last of Price. We knew he wasn't going to come back here and burn the Falcons for 200 yards and 3 touchdowns, a home run and a dunk over Patrick Ewing. The guy sucked. There was no chance of that happening. But he still left his mark, by spreading the disease that I just made up to the rest of the team.
Michael Jenkins was drafted by the Falcons in 2004, replacing Peerless Price in 2005, and so started his career of dashing the dreams of Falcons fans, picking up where Price left off. At 6'5", he flat out refuses to go get the ball, even though he has at least 6 inches on most defenders. When balls were thrown his way, they were almost repelled by his hands, as if they were allergic to flying leather. He was almost like a bigger Peerless Price.
Roddy White arrived in Atlanta in 2005, and immediately showed glimpses of the athleticism that both Price and Jenkins seemed to lack. But like the receivers before him, he couldn't catch the ball. It's like he had some sort of genetic defect that wouldn't allow him to open his hands.
Receiver after receiver came here and dropped balls. Except for Cole Mangum. He caught everything that came his way, so naturally they cut him. My dad and I still look fondly upon that preseason of 2005 when he outplayed every single receiver on the roster. Clearly, he had some kind of immunity to playing like crap.
So did Ashley Lelie, the only other receiver to play here that was consistently open. The Falcons organization doesn't seem to like that sort of thing. You know, doing your job or moving the chains.
Then again, maybe it was the quarterback play that was causing problems. I mean, Michael Vick wasn't exactly known for his touch. Word on the street was that every time Michael Vick threw the ball, it was like a cannon. Short passes, long passes, it didn't matter. He was gunning it. I think I even saw him gun it on a shovel pass once. I didn't even know that was even possible.
But No. 7 is gone now, and the more skilled Joey Harrington is the starter now, and by "skilled," I mean that he can't run, so he has to be able to throw. Sure, there have been complaints of his indecisiveness, but one thing that can't be argued so far is that he's been fairly accurate when he has time. And yet, the disease seems to be spreading because Joe Horn and Alge Crumpler are dropping passes like the ball is covered in soap. Someone keep an eye on the ball boy.
During the monkeystomping that the Falcons took from the Giants on Monday, even the guy that I've put all my future hopes in, rookie Laurent Robinson was dropping balls. Is someone spiking the Gatorade? Perhaps with hits of acid that make the football look like an alien face-hugger or a bag of snakes?
I know my theories on this are a stretch, but it just doesn't seem to make any sense to me why there are so many receivers here that can't catch. They can catch in other places, but when they get here, it's as if they forget how to operate their hands properly. I'll bet they don't have this problem when they're on the PlayStation, or when someone's tossing them their paycheck.
Come to think of it, I do seem to remember hearing about a rash of kids being admitted to local hospitals in record numbers because of head injuries caused by not being able to catch balls. You might not have heard about it, because it was covered up by a man who was suspiciously hit by a bus. It came into his living room. On the third floor.
Or maybe I'm looking in the wrong place for the answer. After all, Brian Finneran was here long before Peerless Price and he has a history of dropping the ball when it mattered. Maybe I've pinned this on the wrong guy. The first time I ever heard of Brian Finneran, my dad was screaming at him through the TV for dropping a pass. The anger in his voice caused his name to be forever etched into my memory.
Whatever the answer is, the Falcons need to find a solution for it, because it's not good for my mental health to continue to see our receivers drop perfect passes. If you need proof of my failing mental state, please refer to the above ramblings.
Maybe we should try tossing their kids out of the window. If you can catch a kid, you can catch a football.
For those who remember, Peerless Price was a big free agent signing for Atlanta back in 2003. He had made his name in Buffalo, as the number 2 receiver behind Eric Moulds. He came here with big dreams of being the top receiver for the Falcons, but it wasn't long before everyone noticed that he didn't like to do things that number 1 receivers do, like catch the ball or make plays. During his two years in Atlanta, his stats plummeted. Suddenly, his name had become something of an ironic joke.
When he was released in 2005, Atlanta rejoiced, because we thought we had seen the last of Price. We knew he wasn't going to come back here and burn the Falcons for 200 yards and 3 touchdowns, a home run and a dunk over Patrick Ewing. The guy sucked. There was no chance of that happening. But he still left his mark, by spreading the disease that I just made up to the rest of the team.
Michael Jenkins was drafted by the Falcons in 2004, replacing Peerless Price in 2005, and so started his career of dashing the dreams of Falcons fans, picking up where Price left off. At 6'5", he flat out refuses to go get the ball, even though he has at least 6 inches on most defenders. When balls were thrown his way, they were almost repelled by his hands, as if they were allergic to flying leather. He was almost like a bigger Peerless Price.
Roddy White arrived in Atlanta in 2005, and immediately showed glimpses of the athleticism that both Price and Jenkins seemed to lack. But like the receivers before him, he couldn't catch the ball. It's like he had some sort of genetic defect that wouldn't allow him to open his hands.
Receiver after receiver came here and dropped balls. Except for Cole Mangum. He caught everything that came his way, so naturally they cut him. My dad and I still look fondly upon that preseason of 2005 when he outplayed every single receiver on the roster. Clearly, he had some kind of immunity to playing like crap.
So did Ashley Lelie, the only other receiver to play here that was consistently open. The Falcons organization doesn't seem to like that sort of thing. You know, doing your job or moving the chains.
Then again, maybe it was the quarterback play that was causing problems. I mean, Michael Vick wasn't exactly known for his touch. Word on the street was that every time Michael Vick threw the ball, it was like a cannon. Short passes, long passes, it didn't matter. He was gunning it. I think I even saw him gun it on a shovel pass once. I didn't even know that was even possible.
But No. 7 is gone now, and the more skilled Joey Harrington is the starter now, and by "skilled," I mean that he can't run, so he has to be able to throw. Sure, there have been complaints of his indecisiveness, but one thing that can't be argued so far is that he's been fairly accurate when he has time. And yet, the disease seems to be spreading because Joe Horn and Alge Crumpler are dropping passes like the ball is covered in soap. Someone keep an eye on the ball boy.
During the monkeystomping that the Falcons took from the Giants on Monday, even the guy that I've put all my future hopes in, rookie Laurent Robinson was dropping balls. Is someone spiking the Gatorade? Perhaps with hits of acid that make the football look like an alien face-hugger or a bag of snakes?
I know my theories on this are a stretch, but it just doesn't seem to make any sense to me why there are so many receivers here that can't catch. They can catch in other places, but when they get here, it's as if they forget how to operate their hands properly. I'll bet they don't have this problem when they're on the PlayStation, or when someone's tossing them their paycheck.
Come to think of it, I do seem to remember hearing about a rash of kids being admitted to local hospitals in record numbers because of head injuries caused by not being able to catch balls. You might not have heard about it, because it was covered up by a man who was suspiciously hit by a bus. It came into his living room. On the third floor.
Or maybe I'm looking in the wrong place for the answer. After all, Brian Finneran was here long before Peerless Price and he has a history of dropping the ball when it mattered. Maybe I've pinned this on the wrong guy. The first time I ever heard of Brian Finneran, my dad was screaming at him through the TV for dropping a pass. The anger in his voice caused his name to be forever etched into my memory.
Whatever the answer is, the Falcons need to find a solution for it, because it's not good for my mental health to continue to see our receivers drop perfect passes. If you need proof of my failing mental state, please refer to the above ramblings.
Maybe we should try tossing their kids out of the window. If you can catch a kid, you can catch a football.
Kobe is right and here's why
Earlier this year, I wrote a column about the lack of loyalty in sports. To sum it all up, it doesn't exist. Even though we know this, people are still being critical of Kobe and his supposed lack of loyalty to the Lakers. I can't figure out why, because when it comes to millions of dollars, fame, and glory, and potential immortality, the average American would probably push their own mother off of a moving bus.
What's the problem? She'll be alright if she braces herself.
There are those out there who continue to bring up the Lakers' support of Kobe during his sexual assault trial, and their willingness to trade Shaq and let Phil Jackson go to retain Kobe. I'll get to the sexual assault trial in a second, but no one put a gun to their heads and made them trade Shaq or settle for what they got for him. If someone offers me the best center of this decade, and all they want back is Caron Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant and a draft pick (that would become Andrew Bynum), I'd probably lose three fingers in the fax machine trying to get the contract sent before they sober back up.
Why should Kobe have to suffer because Mitch Kupchak isn't good at his job? I'm sure his dad told him to be a dentist. If that was the best deal he could see, when Eddie Jones and Udonis Haslem are sitting right there (not to mention drafting Andrew Bynum), having Kobe upset with him is the least of his problems. What about his uncontrollable drooling or his ongoing battle with the childproof cap?
And please stop bringing up Jerry Buss and his loyalty to Kobe during the sexual assault trial. I'd expect Buss to stand by Kobe, seeing as how Kobe didn't rape that girl. Okay, so he let him use the team plane to go back and forth to Colorado. But is that a real big sacrifice? Kobe's got eleventy katrillion dollars. I really don't think he would have had to bum plane fare off of someone to get back to L.A. on time.
Besides, that was three years ago. Is Kobe supposed to stay in Buss' pocket forever? Keep in mind, Kobe Bryant is an athlete. He is the best player in the NBA. He is in his prime and he wants to win right now. Sure, he's keeping the team profitable, but do you really think Kobe gives a crap about the Lakers' operating budget or profit margins? I'm not even so sure the ownership cares, because if they did, they wouldn't settle for Chris Mihm as their starting center.
I don't know about you, but if I had the chance to land Jason Kidd, one of the greatest point guards ever, and all I had to give up was Andrew Bynum, a guy who may or may not ever be anything, I'd wipe the blood off of my fax machine and jam my other hand wrist deep back in there to get that Jason Kidd deal finalized.
The only argument that holds up at all is that they pay Kobe a lot of money to go out there and play basketball. He does it, and he does it well. Yes, they stood beside him during his troubles, but it's not like he was just slacking off the entire time he's been there. He helped bring three championships to L.A. and has continued to fill the seats of the Staples Center. I'd say helping Jerry Buss continue to pinch loaves on his platinum toilet filled with champagne counts for something. Jerry Buss wasn't supporting Kobe through his troubled times because he thought Kobe's soul smelled like cinnamon and his aura spoke with the voices of angels. He was protecting his investment.
And that investment was allowed to be made with the agreement of certain conditions, one of which was that there would be an actual team built around him. People forget, Kobe didn't have to come back. The Lakers needed him more than he needed the Lakers. He could have gone to the Clippers, the Bulls, the Hawks, and at least two of those three were presented without laughter.
But were those conditions met? Let me answer my question with a couple of questions. Is Smush Parker the starting point guard? Is Kobe supposed to wait for Andrew Bynum to develop? I hope that doesn't sound like "moving in the right direction" to you. If it does, then you just might qualify to be an NBA General Manager.
Andrew Bynum. Are you serious? Danny Granger, Hakim Warrick, Luther Head, and David Lee were all still on the board at the time. You know who got David Lee? The Knicks, which means that Isiah Thomas is smarter than you, Mitch Kupchak. Watch out, Mitch, that isn't Kool-Aid in that antifreeze jug.
So let's not pretend that Kobe hasn't shown the organization patience, even though it seems like they're saying to themselves, "How many D-League players can we sneak onto this team before anyone notices?" Kobe's not getting any younger and I don't think he should have to wait for Bynum to learn basketball moves he should have been picking up the second someone noticed that he was the only 7th grader in his class that was able to pass for an adult. Personally, I think he'd look great in a Bulls uniform. Just something to think about...
What's the problem? She'll be alright if she braces herself.
There are those out there who continue to bring up the Lakers' support of Kobe during his sexual assault trial, and their willingness to trade Shaq and let Phil Jackson go to retain Kobe. I'll get to the sexual assault trial in a second, but no one put a gun to their heads and made them trade Shaq or settle for what they got for him. If someone offers me the best center of this decade, and all they want back is Caron Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant and a draft pick (that would become Andrew Bynum), I'd probably lose three fingers in the fax machine trying to get the contract sent before they sober back up.
Why should Kobe have to suffer because Mitch Kupchak isn't good at his job? I'm sure his dad told him to be a dentist. If that was the best deal he could see, when Eddie Jones and Udonis Haslem are sitting right there (not to mention drafting Andrew Bynum), having Kobe upset with him is the least of his problems. What about his uncontrollable drooling or his ongoing battle with the childproof cap?
And please stop bringing up Jerry Buss and his loyalty to Kobe during the sexual assault trial. I'd expect Buss to stand by Kobe, seeing as how Kobe didn't rape that girl. Okay, so he let him use the team plane to go back and forth to Colorado. But is that a real big sacrifice? Kobe's got eleventy katrillion dollars. I really don't think he would have had to bum plane fare off of someone to get back to L.A. on time.
Besides, that was three years ago. Is Kobe supposed to stay in Buss' pocket forever? Keep in mind, Kobe Bryant is an athlete. He is the best player in the NBA. He is in his prime and he wants to win right now. Sure, he's keeping the team profitable, but do you really think Kobe gives a crap about the Lakers' operating budget or profit margins? I'm not even so sure the ownership cares, because if they did, they wouldn't settle for Chris Mihm as their starting center.
I don't know about you, but if I had the chance to land Jason Kidd, one of the greatest point guards ever, and all I had to give up was Andrew Bynum, a guy who may or may not ever be anything, I'd wipe the blood off of my fax machine and jam my other hand wrist deep back in there to get that Jason Kidd deal finalized.
The only argument that holds up at all is that they pay Kobe a lot of money to go out there and play basketball. He does it, and he does it well. Yes, they stood beside him during his troubles, but it's not like he was just slacking off the entire time he's been there. He helped bring three championships to L.A. and has continued to fill the seats of the Staples Center. I'd say helping Jerry Buss continue to pinch loaves on his platinum toilet filled with champagne counts for something. Jerry Buss wasn't supporting Kobe through his troubled times because he thought Kobe's soul smelled like cinnamon and his aura spoke with the voices of angels. He was protecting his investment.
And that investment was allowed to be made with the agreement of certain conditions, one of which was that there would be an actual team built around him. People forget, Kobe didn't have to come back. The Lakers needed him more than he needed the Lakers. He could have gone to the Clippers, the Bulls, the Hawks, and at least two of those three were presented without laughter.
But were those conditions met? Let me answer my question with a couple of questions. Is Smush Parker the starting point guard? Is Kobe supposed to wait for Andrew Bynum to develop? I hope that doesn't sound like "moving in the right direction" to you. If it does, then you just might qualify to be an NBA General Manager.
Andrew Bynum. Are you serious? Danny Granger, Hakim Warrick, Luther Head, and David Lee were all still on the board at the time. You know who got David Lee? The Knicks, which means that Isiah Thomas is smarter than you, Mitch Kupchak. Watch out, Mitch, that isn't Kool-Aid in that antifreeze jug.
So let's not pretend that Kobe hasn't shown the organization patience, even though it seems like they're saying to themselves, "How many D-League players can we sneak onto this team before anyone notices?" Kobe's not getting any younger and I don't think he should have to wait for Bynum to learn basketball moves he should have been picking up the second someone noticed that he was the only 7th grader in his class that was able to pass for an adult. Personally, I think he'd look great in a Bulls uniform. Just something to think about...
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Can we get some new stars?
Just hours before he was scheduled to perform at the BET Hip-Hop Awards, T.I., real name Clifford Harris, was arrested for possession of unlicensed machine guns. Who the hell gets arrested for this? Who do you think you are, Ordell Robbie?
(Google it, if you don't know who that is.)
Somebody help me understand this. You are T.I. You are one of the top rap acts in the country. You are a platinum selling artist. You appear in movies. You appear in mainstream advertising. You recently appeared on a open-panel discussion on hip-hop and its effects on our community. You have skated through your music career on minimal talent. You are rich. You have bodyguards. What the hell do you need with machine guns and silencers?
What, are you trying to be the Punisher for Halloween, and you want your costume to be extra authentic? Are you trying to defend the hood from terrorists? Next time I see some terrorism going down in East Point, I know who to call, because as we all know, the hood is a hotbed of terrorist activity.
Last week, I saw a guy planting a car bomb in a beat-up Chevy Celebrity, but when I got closer, it turned out he was really just duck-taping his muffler so it wouldn't drag the ground. My mistake.
Clifford's (because I don't know or care what "T.I." means) defenders would probably say that this was a set-up or something, but no one except the Bush Administration is spreading anything good through the use of machine guns. I seriously doubt he was planning to use them to bring whimsy and wonder to our childrens' lives.
Unless the revolution is about to start and no one told me, I can't think of a good reason for Clifford to need machine guns. If he needs protection, that's what the bodyguard was for. The bodyguard's job is to take bullets for you, not go buy more guns so your dumb ass can shoot back.
So thanks, Clifford, for being a good example. You're only one of the most visible music stars in the world, with millions of young black kids looking up to you. Yeah, no one's gonna notice this. Not on the eve of the BET Hip-Hop awards, where you were to perform AND nominated for nine awards. Hell, there was only a TON of press there just in case something illegal happened. Good thing you were there to keep the press from a slow news day.
Then, at the awards show, some of his fellow artists performed his songs for him and tried to make him out to be a victim, by saying things like "Free T.I." Listen, Clifford is not a political prisoner. You're not gonna see Clifford on a t-shirt with Malcolm and Martin. Clifford's troubles have nothing to do with "the struggle," unless it's struggling with his handcuffs, or struggling to find new ways to get arrested, because he won't be struggling to make bail or struggling to find a good lawyer.
Don't get it twisted, Clifford is not one of the Black Panthers.
If we are trying to hold up Clifford here as some sort of pariah or victim, then we are truly in trouble. Why do our stars have to be knuckleheads? Not that white folks don't have their own embarrassments, but for one, whites aren't all identified as one group, and two, I'm not embarrassed by the latest Britney Spears scandal. I don't really care how many cocks the paparazzi caught Paris Hilton sucking.
The real question here is, can we get some new stars? Maybe some who are allergic to jail time. Maybe some who won't brag about going to jail on a song (Clifford rapped on Young Buck's "Stomp" that he "caught some cases, but that's just a minor setback," before getting eaten alive by Ludacris). Maybe some stars who aren't so concerned with hood acceptance and "keepin' it real." I've never understood why you'd want acceptance from the hood, anyway. There's good people in the hood, but that's also where the people live who are plotting to rob you every time you go down there, regardless of their "acceptance" of you.
Can't we bring back Bill Cosby? Someone needs to get crackin' on that time machine.
(Google it, if you don't know who that is.)
Somebody help me understand this. You are T.I. You are one of the top rap acts in the country. You are a platinum selling artist. You appear in movies. You appear in mainstream advertising. You recently appeared on a open-panel discussion on hip-hop and its effects on our community. You have skated through your music career on minimal talent. You are rich. You have bodyguards. What the hell do you need with machine guns and silencers?
What, are you trying to be the Punisher for Halloween, and you want your costume to be extra authentic? Are you trying to defend the hood from terrorists? Next time I see some terrorism going down in East Point, I know who to call, because as we all know, the hood is a hotbed of terrorist activity.
Last week, I saw a guy planting a car bomb in a beat-up Chevy Celebrity, but when I got closer, it turned out he was really just duck-taping his muffler so it wouldn't drag the ground. My mistake.
Clifford's (because I don't know or care what "T.I." means) defenders would probably say that this was a set-up or something, but no one except the Bush Administration is spreading anything good through the use of machine guns. I seriously doubt he was planning to use them to bring whimsy and wonder to our childrens' lives.
Unless the revolution is about to start and no one told me, I can't think of a good reason for Clifford to need machine guns. If he needs protection, that's what the bodyguard was for. The bodyguard's job is to take bullets for you, not go buy more guns so your dumb ass can shoot back.
So thanks, Clifford, for being a good example. You're only one of the most visible music stars in the world, with millions of young black kids looking up to you. Yeah, no one's gonna notice this. Not on the eve of the BET Hip-Hop awards, where you were to perform AND nominated for nine awards. Hell, there was only a TON of press there just in case something illegal happened. Good thing you were there to keep the press from a slow news day.
Then, at the awards show, some of his fellow artists performed his songs for him and tried to make him out to be a victim, by saying things like "Free T.I." Listen, Clifford is not a political prisoner. You're not gonna see Clifford on a t-shirt with Malcolm and Martin. Clifford's troubles have nothing to do with "the struggle," unless it's struggling with his handcuffs, or struggling to find new ways to get arrested, because he won't be struggling to make bail or struggling to find a good lawyer.
Don't get it twisted, Clifford is not one of the Black Panthers.
If we are trying to hold up Clifford here as some sort of pariah or victim, then we are truly in trouble. Why do our stars have to be knuckleheads? Not that white folks don't have their own embarrassments, but for one, whites aren't all identified as one group, and two, I'm not embarrassed by the latest Britney Spears scandal. I don't really care how many cocks the paparazzi caught Paris Hilton sucking.
The real question here is, can we get some new stars? Maybe some who are allergic to jail time. Maybe some who won't brag about going to jail on a song (Clifford rapped on Young Buck's "Stomp" that he "caught some cases, but that's just a minor setback," before getting eaten alive by Ludacris). Maybe some stars who aren't so concerned with hood acceptance and "keepin' it real." I've never understood why you'd want acceptance from the hood, anyway. There's good people in the hood, but that's also where the people live who are plotting to rob you every time you go down there, regardless of their "acceptance" of you.
Can't we bring back Bill Cosby? Someone needs to get crackin' on that time machine.
Vandalism: The Eighth Deadly Sin
As further proof that we are being governed by people who are quite possibly missing a chromosome, I submit this to you:
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Democrats indoctrinate their kids, too!
The header on the page says "Why Mommy Is a Democrat: A different kind of book." Truer words were never spoken, except for the time when South Park completely nailed why Family Guy isn't funny.
I don't know how long this book has been on the market, but for those who didn't know, there is a children's book out there called "Why Mommy Is a Democrat." It's good to see that Republicans aren't the only ones who believe in indoctrinating their kids.
I haven't read the book, because I've never been one to seek out propaganda, but from the title I can tell that by the end of this 28 page summation of the Democratic Party's agenda, I'd be pissed off. First of all, if you can boil your entire manifesto down into a children's book, chances are you're not very deep. Second of all, why are you trying to influence the political futures of children?
There are sample pages posted on the website, littledemocrats.net, that say things like "Democrats make sure we all share our toys, like Mommy does." No word on if there's a page that says, "Democrats allow random strangers into our homes that eat our food and sleep in our beds for free, like Mommy does," or "Democrats let people walk all over them because they are spineless opportunists who can't accomplish anything, even when they are the majority in Congress, like Mommy does."
Maybe it's just the way I think, but I think it's disgusting to try to influence your child's political beliefs before they even start growing pubic hair. When I was that age, my major concern was "How many bowls of cereal am I going to inhale during cartoons on Saturday?" Maybe even, "I hope I can get past level 7-4 on Super Mario Bros." Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't, "I wish Congress would pass a non-binding resolution against President Reagan to prevent him from further splintering the country."
I remember when Ronald Reagan left office in 1988, and i remember telling my dad that Ronald Reagan was my favorite President and that I would miss him. My dad didn't say anything, not because he thought his son was a babbling fool, but because he understood that I was 10 years old and I had no idea what I was talking about. I liked Ronald Reagan, not because I knew of anything he had actually said or done, but because he had been President for my entire conscious life to that point, and I didn't know any different.
People always remark how children are pure souls and the truth always comes out of a child, but the reality is children aren't really equipped to debate the finer points of politics. They don't have any critical reasoning skills yet. They barely even know the President, let alone things like political parties, the Senate, the House of Representatives, or God help us, filibustering. Even if the information spoke to a child, they'd still find it boring because Spongebob doesn't talk to it and it can't fly.
A child only knows what you tell them, and if you spend your days telling them that Aquaman comes over every day while they're at school, then that's what they're going to believe. It doesn't matter if it's true or right, because to them it is now the truth and depending on one's relationship with the child, they'll make that fact an integral part of their beliefs, even if they don't know any facts to support that stance. No child is going to fire back with "Mother, I think I relate more with the Republican Party's stance on small government and libertarianism."
So, Jeremy Zilber, you are simply wrong for writing this book. You are no different than fundamentalist Muslims who teach their kids that killing Jews is what Allah wants or the loons from that movie "Jesus Camp," who have kids praying that Samuel Alito would be sworn in as a Supreme Court Justice so he could overturn Roe vs. Wade.
Would it really be so wrong to allow your kids to form their own opinions about things in their own time? Are you so insecure in your own beliefs that you have to force your kids to believe the same as you? Anyone who has ever seen a kid will tell you that they're going to form their own ideas at some point and if you can't handle that, maybe you shouldn't be having kids. If you're the kind of parent who believes in completely forging their child's world view before they have the chance to form it themselves, maybe you should take a hard look at the kind of person you REALLY are.
I don't know how long this book has been on the market, but for those who didn't know, there is a children's book out there called "Why Mommy Is a Democrat." It's good to see that Republicans aren't the only ones who believe in indoctrinating their kids.
I haven't read the book, because I've never been one to seek out propaganda, but from the title I can tell that by the end of this 28 page summation of the Democratic Party's agenda, I'd be pissed off. First of all, if you can boil your entire manifesto down into a children's book, chances are you're not very deep. Second of all, why are you trying to influence the political futures of children?
There are sample pages posted on the website, littledemocrats.net, that say things like "Democrats make sure we all share our toys, like Mommy does." No word on if there's a page that says, "Democrats allow random strangers into our homes that eat our food and sleep in our beds for free, like Mommy does," or "Democrats let people walk all over them because they are spineless opportunists who can't accomplish anything, even when they are the majority in Congress, like Mommy does."
Maybe it's just the way I think, but I think it's disgusting to try to influence your child's political beliefs before they even start growing pubic hair. When I was that age, my major concern was "How many bowls of cereal am I going to inhale during cartoons on Saturday?" Maybe even, "I hope I can get past level 7-4 on Super Mario Bros." Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't, "I wish Congress would pass a non-binding resolution against President Reagan to prevent him from further splintering the country."
I remember when Ronald Reagan left office in 1988, and i remember telling my dad that Ronald Reagan was my favorite President and that I would miss him. My dad didn't say anything, not because he thought his son was a babbling fool, but because he understood that I was 10 years old and I had no idea what I was talking about. I liked Ronald Reagan, not because I knew of anything he had actually said or done, but because he had been President for my entire conscious life to that point, and I didn't know any different.
People always remark how children are pure souls and the truth always comes out of a child, but the reality is children aren't really equipped to debate the finer points of politics. They don't have any critical reasoning skills yet. They barely even know the President, let alone things like political parties, the Senate, the House of Representatives, or God help us, filibustering. Even if the information spoke to a child, they'd still find it boring because Spongebob doesn't talk to it and it can't fly.
A child only knows what you tell them, and if you spend your days telling them that Aquaman comes over every day while they're at school, then that's what they're going to believe. It doesn't matter if it's true or right, because to them it is now the truth and depending on one's relationship with the child, they'll make that fact an integral part of their beliefs, even if they don't know any facts to support that stance. No child is going to fire back with "Mother, I think I relate more with the Republican Party's stance on small government and libertarianism."
So, Jeremy Zilber, you are simply wrong for writing this book. You are no different than fundamentalist Muslims who teach their kids that killing Jews is what Allah wants or the loons from that movie "Jesus Camp," who have kids praying that Samuel Alito would be sworn in as a Supreme Court Justice so he could overturn Roe vs. Wade.
Would it really be so wrong to allow your kids to form their own opinions about things in their own time? Are you so insecure in your own beliefs that you have to force your kids to believe the same as you? Anyone who has ever seen a kid will tell you that they're going to form their own ideas at some point and if you can't handle that, maybe you shouldn't be having kids. If you're the kind of parent who believes in completely forging their child's world view before they have the chance to form it themselves, maybe you should take a hard look at the kind of person you REALLY are.
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