There are 14 NBA teams that are sitting at home and watching the actual good teams (except for that pretender Indiana...how the hell do they win?) play in the playoffs. Some of these teams have been pretty bad for a while, and while some of them seem to finally be heading the right direction (Atlanta...trust me, I'm not a loon...I just actually watch their games), some of them don't seem to have a clue what direction they should be heading in (Philly, Minnesota, Boston, New York). Since a lot of their GMs seem to be as smart as people who send money to TV evangelists or still watch BET regularly, I thought I'd give them a little help, or at the very least, tell them why their team is sitting at home right now.
New York: Oh, yeah. I had to start here. This team is so bad at this point, you're probably just better off firing everybody. Isiah, LB, the players, the owner, the YES Network, everybody. How did it get this bad? Actually, it was bad three years ago. How did it get this worse?
As a Bulls fan, I actually take some joy out of watching my hated rivals suffer, but it's past the point of incompetence now. It's not even funny anymore. As far as moves that need to be made, the only way this team can be fixed is through time travel. You have to travel back to about...1997 or so and stop the Knicks for signing Allan Houston to that $100 million deal. That was the beginning of the end, right there. Somehow, I believe that if not for that, none of the other stupid moves would have been made, including hiring Isiah as GM.
Philadelphia: It's time to show Billy King the door. It was time to show him the door years ago, when he showed the world he had no idea how to put a team around Allen Iverson. People always knock Iverson, but when has he ever had another good player on his team? He once had a young Jerry Stackhouse, who should have still been at UNC and an old Chris Webber, who's too little, too late. Other than that, he's had to carry the Sixers by himself. People say that Iverson couldn't share the court with another superstar player, but anyone who was watching Iverson play in international games (if they were actually facing the TV) could see that he would pass the ball if he had someone to pass to. And personally, I wouldn't have hired Maurice Cheeks as coach, because I see him as a soft coach. If he wasn't, he would have run the Sixers offense through Webber instead of Iverson. So that's someone else who should be shown the door, but all this talk of trading Iverson is the talk of a crazy person.
Boston: I would never listen to Danny Ainge about anything, ever. For those who don't remember the 80s, Danny Ainge was a little while guy, about the size of Michael J. Fox, who would run around and make everyone on the opposing team (and in the stands...or at home, watching TV) grab him by the scruff of his neck and kick him in the jimmy. Just an all-around, irritating person. Nowadays, he's running the Celtics and can't seem to decide if he wants to go with young players or build around Paul Pierce. He's pretty much doing the same thing as Billy King in Philly or Kevin McHale in Minnesota: waffling. They all know that they've got a big-time superstar on their rosters and they have no idea how to build around them. So, they rely on the draft, hoping to luck up and get the next big thing, only their superstars are too good to let the season be a total disaster. They wind up getting mid to late round draft picks, because the team isn't good enough to make the playoffs, yet it's not bad enough to get a high pick. So, they're stuck drafting high school players or unknowns because all the superstars are already gone. That only leaves one thing: stupid or pointless trades. And Mr. Ainge, along with Mr. McHale, perpetrated the most pointless trade this season by exchanging Ricky Davis for Wally Szczerbiak. It's not a trade that makes you mad or makes you laugh, it's a trade that makes you stare at the sports ticker and wonder why, because you can't imagine how this trade is going to make either team better. If you can't pick a side that's getting the better end of the deal, then you, my friend, have a pointless trade.
Minnesota: Kevin McHale has had a decade to get Kevin Garnett deep into the playoffs and has failed miserably every time. Now, for those first 7 years, KG defied Satan McHale's odds and willed them in, anyway, and in the 8th, it looked like McHale finally learned how to assemble a team. That team made the Western Conference finals. Then, they refused to resign Sam Cassell (who, in retrospect, they should have paid) and Latrell Sprewell (one of the three stupidest players of 2005) for the money they were asking and instead of trading them in the 9th season, they just let them hang around and make that the worst season for KG since he got in the league. At least, until this season. This one's the worst now.
I don't see how hard it is to build a team around a dominant post player. The Spurs have been doing it for almost 20 years. Orlando is doing it now. The Lakers do it every five years, almost by accident. Why can't Kevin McHale do it now? I do it all the time, just sitting in the bathroom. You've already got the dominant center/power forward. That was the hard part. Next step? Get a good point guard. They had one in Terrell Brandon, but when he retired, I guess they just gave up, because they haven't had another good one since. Then, get a defensive minded guard or forward. After that, everything else just falls into place.
Golden State: Hire a coach who has balls. Huge balls. Like the ones Billy King swore he had when he said Iverson and Webber were going to act right. See, a coach who's groinally endowed isn't going to take any crap from players like Baron Davis. Davis needs someone to put a boot to his ass and tell him things like "Baron, pass the ball. It's not going anywhere. You'll get it back eventually." or "No, Baron, you don't have to score ALL the points. You have teammates who can do that." He needs teammates who will say to him, "Baron, you need to stop acting like a lil' bitch." Therefore, he needs to get traded to Miami, because Pat Riley or Shaquille O'Neal ain't having it.
Portland: Stop drafting high school players, you stupid motherfuckers. You need to win NOW, not in four years when these players will actually be good. Your owner's about to sell the team because he's losing money hand over fist. Darius Miles and Zach Randolph are NOT the guys who are going to keep things steady until the cavalry arrives.
All the other teams seem to be moving in the right direction or have recently made a move that's actually promising, like Toronto hiring Bryan Colangelo as their GM, or Seattle hiring Bob Hill as coach (this is the man who was stabbed in the back by the current coach of the Spurs, Gregg Popovich). I'm still waiting for Indiana to implode and it seems to be on the verge of finally happening. Denver is probably going to do the same thing. Hopefully, teams like my Beloved Bulls or the Hometown Hawks will be right there to pick up the pieces.
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