The New Nintendo Is Called What?

Nintendo has revealed the name of it's new system, and it is BAD.

Their wireless, motion-detecting, wi-fi enabled system, codenamed "Revolution," has been officially saddled with the worst name since the car was originally called "chocolate motor seat thingy." They officially changed it in 1913, when people started hurling bricks at it in protest.

Anyway, what is potentially the most amazing and imaginative video game system to date is going to start it's uphill battle with the company that created it, because they named it "Wii." Go ahead and rub your eyes, because I'm sure you think you're not processing it properly.

If that wasn't stupid enough, it's pronounced "we." Then, they had to go into explaining the deepness of the name they cursed their plastic box and most passionate fans with. I'm not going to recap any of that here, because I figure if you have to do that much explaining, either you did something wrong or the joke's just not funny. Really, Nintendo would have been better of just passing this one off as a joke, because the response to this is about as positive as the response to strawberry flavored Dran-O or the real-life invisible jet. Well, plastic surgeons and head doctors made a killing off that last one.

What's wrong with the name? Well, for one, it's not a noun or an adjective. And according to my spellcheck, it's not even a word. That means they could have called it "Spladow" or "The Double McRibwich with cheese" and it would have had the same effect. And if they ever name anything "Spladow," I'm pretty sure it would have chrome spinners and a spoiler on it.

Or...what was wrong with naming it "Revolution?" Well, apparently, the Japanese have a problem saying the word, and they figure that since they invented it, they should be able to shore in the joy of calling it by it's given name like everyone else. I think that's just really selfish, because no one told them they had to have a language where certain basic syllables were rendered impossible to pronounce by their abnormal, sideways tongues.

Also, they've pretty much just removed any chance of Nintendo fanboys getting any kind of respect from their friends for having one. Well, they were going to get a limited amount anyway, just because they're playing video games to begin with, and none of that is coming from females. If you find one who will give you respect, club her in the head and hide her in the basement. It's a safe bet to assume that she's suffering from head injuries, probably from other dorks clubbing her in the head to earn her affections. That's probably why she respects guys who play video games.

Also, black people just aren't going to buy this thing, and they will loudly clown anyone who does. It couldn't be any less cool if you painted it pink and lime green stripes and it wore an ill-fitting wrestling shirt. And seeing as how this thing doesn't have an iced-out grill or a track by Lil' Jon to combat it's inherent uncoolness, the African-American community is going to take a collective pass on this one. Probably the Latino community, too.

Nintendo, you done messed up this time. Listen, I've been a supporter of Nintendo since the beginning. I defended the kiddie image, the cartridge standard on the Nintendo 64, the fact that it was called the Nintendo 64 at all, the lack of good sports games on the SNES, the Gamecube's design (it looks like something you'd find at Rave or Foxmoor)...but this one...I can't defend this one. Nintendo, it's just a stupid fucking name. Plain and simple. The only reason you released this information now, instead of at E3 is because you KNOW you have to play damage control and you want to get it out of the way. Only this time, it's not going to work. A name this bad is going to turn off people from trying it or buying it. Sure we'll get used to it, but that doesn't mean we'll like it.

Oh, and the name's not gonna stick. After all the perverted joke phase passes, it's going to just be called "the new Nintendo." No one who favors his manhood is going to call it "Wii." Unless they're mocking it, of course.