Wrestling. A semi-sport based on pretending to fight and trying to make the crowd cheer or boo in response to the wrestler's actions. The way it's supposed to work, the wrestler will incite the crowd by calling people names or telling the guy in the front row how good his mother was in bed last night. Or say things about great the crowd is to make them cheer. It's really simple stuff.
However, every so often, someone will come along and try to use serious subject matter as a way to get crowd response. I'm here today to tell you all...stop it.
Back in 1996, a group called the "Nation of Domination" started in the WWF. Led by Faarooq (Ron Simmons with a snappy new Muslim sounding name), this Nation of Islam analog was a heel faction (of course) filled mostly with black wrestlers. They came out with their suits and bowties, usually at least 15 of them (eventually whittled down to four), and before all their matches, raised their right fists to the crowd in unison and said, "by any means necessary." They spoke out against perceived racism in the WWF and engaged in some good ol' black-on-black crime at one point. Nothing makes the white folks smile and laugh like black-on-black crime.
Every so often, they'd speak out about some real racial issues in America or in American history, as get booed for it by the largely white audiences. Why? Because they're talented bad guys and have a way with a phrase? No, because white people don't want to hear that crap. We have a hard enough time talking about racial issues in everyday life. No one wants to deal with it at a wrestling show, regardless of how true it might be.
At one point, they actually started a storyline where the Nation was actually victimized by a white group (D-Generation X) and another group (The Hart Foundation) was blamed for it. Apparently, someone had broken into the Nation's locker room, tore up the place and spray-painted racial epithets on the walls. The Nation was rightfully upset and called upon the WWF to do something about it. When they didn't, they got upset and started talking about racism again. D-Generation X got involved again and began to try to instigate a fight between their enemies using racism.
Now, being completely in the right, you'd think the crowd would support the Nation. But since it's a racial issue, it played out just like you'd expect: Down racial lines. White people supported white wrestlers. Black people supported black wrestlers. And it being a majority white audience, the black fans were drowned out. Four black wrestlers who were completely justified in their actions were being booed, even though they were right.
Now, I know you're probably be thinking, "Damn, it's just wrestling." And it is. And because it's just wrestling, that fact that a very real and very serious issue is being trivialized by being used in this way. Seriously. Let's look at some of the more common ways that feuds happen in wrestling: "You stole my girl," "I want your title," "You're holding me back," "You accidentally hit me with a chair, but I'm going to be mad, anyway." You're lumping "blatant racism" in with that stuff. Suddenly, the Civil Rights movement has become Jerry Springer-level fodder.
Now, why am I even bringing this up? I mean, this happened from 1996 to 1998. It's over, right? Well, no. No, it isn't. In TNA, Konan and his Latin street gang, LAX (Latin American Exchange) started right back down that same road again. Recently, they won the tag team titles and they came out and started talking about their "Latin heritage" in wrestling, which is fine. But these guys are heels. Bad guys. They're supposed to be gang members. So when the crowd starts cheering the names their dropping, well-respected names in wrestling, like Pedro Morales, Mil Mascaras, the Guerrero family, LAX makes it a racial thing. Then, they bring up dedicating their title win to all the immigrants both legal and illegal and something about them being here to stay...etc., etc. It made me roll my eyes and change the channel. Again, it's a real issue and a serious issue that people feel very strongly about...why trivialize all that by making it a part of wrestling?
It's one thing to be proud of your heritage. No one's going to have a problem with that. If you do, you've got an issue that needs to be worked out. I hear that therapy works wonders. But it's another thing entirely to bring politically charged issues into an entertainment arena that's geared around inciting the emotions of those watching.
It's not just racial issues, either. Back in 2003 or 2004...I don't remember...they had a "debate" in the ring, with known Bush-supporter, Bradshaw debating with Mick Foley about the mess in Iraq. Foley was bringing up real issues (Bush not being honest, and such) and Bradshaw, like all Republicans were doing at the time, was going right for the base human emotions (hit 'em in the patriotism!). The two wrestlers weren't even feuding with each other. They just had this just to do it. Bradshaw, based on crowd response, supposedly won the debate.
What's entertaining about that? Going back to 1997 again...there were real-world issues going on between USA and Canada. So what does WWF do? Make a storyline out of it. And it's really no big deal, because there's always been a rivalry of sorts between the two countries. But when Bret Hart, a Canadian, starts taking digs at the US that I personally agree with...I'm supposed to boo that? Hell, for the entirety of the storyline, I was practically Canadian.
Earlier this year, Vince McMahon and Shane McMahon teamed up to wrestle Shawn Michaels, known born-again Christian, and his tag-team partner...God. I guess it was supposed to be comedy, but it wasn't. It might be because Vince McMahon just isn't funny, though. I wasn't offended or anything, but the thing is, I don't want religion mixed in with my degenerate wrestling. As best I could tell, the whole thing was met with indifference. I'm not religious, but about 5.85 out of 6 billion people on Earth are. Apparently, people weren't big on wrestling openly mocking one of the lynchpins of their lives. Who knew?
So what I'm saying is...it's entertainment. It's supposed to be an escape from the real world. Why not keep it that way? It's not even deep entertainment. It's not like Gray's Anatomy or something, where the intricacies of an issue can be worked out amongst the characters in an hour long show. All you can do with wrestling is just rile people up. And sure that's what you're supposed to be doing in wrestling, but some of this stuff hits a little too close to home. Like racism. Some things are just too serious to make light of.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I guess this makes me an "Anti-Semite."
I have hereby decided that I am going to be upset at the prejudice against black people in this world. I'm going to start right...now. The reason why I'm doing this is not because of some grave injustice, like some sort of indoctrination process that prevents our children from learning about their past or suffering through today's brand of hip-hop. No, I'm talking about something far greater: We don't have a word to describe people who hate us.
I think we should have a word like the Jews have, like Anti-Semitic. Right now, we just have to settle for "racist," and that's misleading, because just about anyone can use it, except for white people. But if we could label people with our own word, that would change everything. Having our own slanderous word would be the signpost for a new golden age!
Then, we could throw that label out anytime someone dares criticize anything any black person does! You don't like our children wearing their pants off of their asses? You don't like famed black ambulance chaser, Al Sharpton commenting on a racial issue? You don't like Cynthia McKinney playing the race card...again? Well, you'll be slapped with this new tag that I haven't come up with yet. Just like the Jewish people. Except all our last names don't end in "stein" or "berg."
Somehow, the Jewish people of the world have managed to scare everyone into believing than any criticism of their people is "anti-Semitic." Therefore, no one ever does it, unless they've got a bomb strapped to their chest. Or just before they get shot by the police after they've gone on a rampage in Seattle...again. Even if its warranted, no one ever does it. And the thing is, all your blind support for a place and a people that is sometimes wrong, just like everyone else, isn't going to make Jesus come back any faster.
It seems to be to the extreme with the Jews. Either you hate them enough to shoot up your city block, or you turn a blind eye to everything they do. All because no one wants to be labeled an "anti-Semite." Honestly, I'd have more respect for Mel Gibson if he said what he really felt without having to talk to Jack Daniels first. And he was so quick to say he didn't mean it, because he didn't want to be labeled an "anti-Semite." I wonder what he really thinks about black people. Notice there was no mention of him called Danny Glover a "big-lipped, chicken-eating, porch monkey, whose people won't stop breeding and are responsible for the decline of American society." That was probably in the unedited transcripts.
It's almost as annoying as when the white media tries to get mad about a supposed racial issue before black people do. All a white person has to do is call a black person a "black person" and the media will get all up in arms, when it was really no big deal to begin with. Except with Jewish people, it's all self-contained. And they've trained everyone else to be that way. Except black people. Something about Jews and black people doesn't seem to mix. Except in Ethiopia, oddly enough.
So basically, to sum it all up, stop walking on eggshells around Jewish people. They fuck up just like everyone else. It's just that their fuck ups usually involve missles flying into a Muslim-populated housing development. And exploiting the Holocaust. But that's another story.
I think we should have a word like the Jews have, like Anti-Semitic. Right now, we just have to settle for "racist," and that's misleading, because just about anyone can use it, except for white people. But if we could label people with our own word, that would change everything. Having our own slanderous word would be the signpost for a new golden age!
Then, we could throw that label out anytime someone dares criticize anything any black person does! You don't like our children wearing their pants off of their asses? You don't like famed black ambulance chaser, Al Sharpton commenting on a racial issue? You don't like Cynthia McKinney playing the race card...again? Well, you'll be slapped with this new tag that I haven't come up with yet. Just like the Jewish people. Except all our last names don't end in "stein" or "berg."
Somehow, the Jewish people of the world have managed to scare everyone into believing than any criticism of their people is "anti-Semitic." Therefore, no one ever does it, unless they've got a bomb strapped to their chest. Or just before they get shot by the police after they've gone on a rampage in Seattle...again. Even if its warranted, no one ever does it. And the thing is, all your blind support for a place and a people that is sometimes wrong, just like everyone else, isn't going to make Jesus come back any faster.
It seems to be to the extreme with the Jews. Either you hate them enough to shoot up your city block, or you turn a blind eye to everything they do. All because no one wants to be labeled an "anti-Semite." Honestly, I'd have more respect for Mel Gibson if he said what he really felt without having to talk to Jack Daniels first. And he was so quick to say he didn't mean it, because he didn't want to be labeled an "anti-Semite." I wonder what he really thinks about black people. Notice there was no mention of him called Danny Glover a "big-lipped, chicken-eating, porch monkey, whose people won't stop breeding and are responsible for the decline of American society." That was probably in the unedited transcripts.
It's almost as annoying as when the white media tries to get mad about a supposed racial issue before black people do. All a white person has to do is call a black person a "black person" and the media will get all up in arms, when it was really no big deal to begin with. Except with Jewish people, it's all self-contained. And they've trained everyone else to be that way. Except black people. Something about Jews and black people doesn't seem to mix. Except in Ethiopia, oddly enough.
So basically, to sum it all up, stop walking on eggshells around Jewish people. They fuck up just like everyone else. It's just that their fuck ups usually involve missles flying into a Muslim-populated housing development. And exploiting the Holocaust. But that's another story.
The Truth About USA Basketball
This country's sportswriters would have you believe that the rest of the world has caught up to the USA in terms of basketball talent. They've produced some good ones, true indeed, most notably, Dirk Nowitzki, of Germany and Steve Nash of Canada. But has the world REALLY caught up? Has anyone does any real critical thinking about this issue? Well, neither have I, but this is what I came up with when I was sitting on the toilet one morning:
The '92 Men's Team contained Hall of Famers, from top to bottom. The three captains of the team have all been a part of the "Best EVER" discussion (Jordan, Bird, Magic). There are 23 NBA Championships, 15 Most Valuable Player Awards, and 5 NCAA Championships on this roster. Two of the top three all time assist leaders and two of the top four all time scoring leaders are listed here. 10 out of the 12 are among the NBA's 50 Greatest Players. Quite simply, the greatest collection of talent ever assembled in any sport, ever. The Dream Team, indeed.
The 2004 Men's Team contained three NBA Championships, three NBA MVPs (all credited to the same player, except one MVP award), two NCAA championships, one NBA rookie, three others with two years NBA experience, six players who weren't even the best player on their own team, one player who had never played on a winning team, one center, and no jump shooters. Not to mention, a coach who's only effective if he has two years to work with the team. I don't think it's any surprise that this team lost. However...let's look at who WASN'T on this team:
Shaquille O'Neal, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Vince Carter, Jason Kidd, Tracy McGrady, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Reggie Miller, Jermaine O'Neal, Chris Webber, Gilbert Arenas, Rasheed Wallace...combined with Allen Iverson and Tim Duncan, and you have the A-List talent in the league. To recap, that's 11 NBA Championships, and 5 MVP awards. Seven of them could be ranked among the NBA 50 Greatest. Two of them already are. You actually expect me to believe that anything the world could come up with could match this team? You actually expect me to believe that the gap has closed that much?
The reason why we lost in 2002 and 2004 is because we didn't have our top stars there. Period. No team in the world could beat our top stars, and nothing against Shawn Marion and Carlos Boozer, but they hardly qualify as "top" anything. The 2002 team was even worse than the 2004 team! Nick Collison made the 2002 team! Nick Collison! Is he even in the league anymore? Raef LaFrentz? Antonio Davis? Ben Wallace...before he was good?
The misconception was that we could throw any NBA players out there against the world and we'd win every time. I don't even think that was the case back in 92. Imagine if, instead of the Dream Team we sent, guys like Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson, Jerome Kersey, Derek Harper, Charles Oakley, Joe Dumars, Kenny Anderson, and Derrick Coleman over there. Good players, to be sure, but definitely not A-list. Not even B-list, for some of them. Do you really think they would have been blowing out teams by 40 points? Can you confidently say that they would have won the gold? Well, that's what we did in 2002 and 2004. Instead of Kevin Garnett, we got Derrick Coleman. Derrick f'n Coleman.
Now, we're in panic mode and that's why guys like Vince Carter and Allen Iverson, who were more than willing to play, are staying home. Guys like that were blamed for the losses. Yeah, that damn Iverson...he was so selfish that he kept passing the ball to his teammates. That damn Vince Carter, who actually has some international experience. And a gold medal, to boot.
The current strategy is a good one, having a team that plays together longer, to create continuity. And it's probably required, considering most of the top stars keep bowing out. I think it's a bit overkill to lock out the top stars who do want to play, though. This time, the mistake could be that we sacrifice talent for continuity and politcal correctness. Or just plain politics. We know that a lot of people out there don't like Iverson or Vince.
The world hasn't caught up, we just got overconfident. Plain and simple.
The '92 Men's Team contained Hall of Famers, from top to bottom. The three captains of the team have all been a part of the "Best EVER" discussion (Jordan, Bird, Magic). There are 23 NBA Championships, 15 Most Valuable Player Awards, and 5 NCAA Championships on this roster. Two of the top three all time assist leaders and two of the top four all time scoring leaders are listed here. 10 out of the 12 are among the NBA's 50 Greatest Players. Quite simply, the greatest collection of talent ever assembled in any sport, ever. The Dream Team, indeed.
The 2004 Men's Team contained three NBA Championships, three NBA MVPs (all credited to the same player, except one MVP award), two NCAA championships, one NBA rookie, three others with two years NBA experience, six players who weren't even the best player on their own team, one player who had never played on a winning team, one center, and no jump shooters. Not to mention, a coach who's only effective if he has two years to work with the team. I don't think it's any surprise that this team lost. However...let's look at who WASN'T on this team:
Shaquille O'Neal, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Vince Carter, Jason Kidd, Tracy McGrady, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Reggie Miller, Jermaine O'Neal, Chris Webber, Gilbert Arenas, Rasheed Wallace...combined with Allen Iverson and Tim Duncan, and you have the A-List talent in the league. To recap, that's 11 NBA Championships, and 5 MVP awards. Seven of them could be ranked among the NBA 50 Greatest. Two of them already are. You actually expect me to believe that anything the world could come up with could match this team? You actually expect me to believe that the gap has closed that much?
The reason why we lost in 2002 and 2004 is because we didn't have our top stars there. Period. No team in the world could beat our top stars, and nothing against Shawn Marion and Carlos Boozer, but they hardly qualify as "top" anything. The 2002 team was even worse than the 2004 team! Nick Collison made the 2002 team! Nick Collison! Is he even in the league anymore? Raef LaFrentz? Antonio Davis? Ben Wallace...before he was good?
The misconception was that we could throw any NBA players out there against the world and we'd win every time. I don't even think that was the case back in 92. Imagine if, instead of the Dream Team we sent, guys like Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson, Jerome Kersey, Derek Harper, Charles Oakley, Joe Dumars, Kenny Anderson, and Derrick Coleman over there. Good players, to be sure, but definitely not A-list. Not even B-list, for some of them. Do you really think they would have been blowing out teams by 40 points? Can you confidently say that they would have won the gold? Well, that's what we did in 2002 and 2004. Instead of Kevin Garnett, we got Derrick Coleman. Derrick f'n Coleman.
Now, we're in panic mode and that's why guys like Vince Carter and Allen Iverson, who were more than willing to play, are staying home. Guys like that were blamed for the losses. Yeah, that damn Iverson...he was so selfish that he kept passing the ball to his teammates. That damn Vince Carter, who actually has some international experience. And a gold medal, to boot.
The current strategy is a good one, having a team that plays together longer, to create continuity. And it's probably required, considering most of the top stars keep bowing out. I think it's a bit overkill to lock out the top stars who do want to play, though. This time, the mistake could be that we sacrifice talent for continuity and politcal correctness. Or just plain politics. We know that a lot of people out there don't like Iverson or Vince.
The world hasn't caught up, we just got overconfident. Plain and simple.
Why Do I Keep Watching This Crap?
I've been watching wrestling for about twenty years. Yes, I'm that old. And never has there been a time where wrestling has been as bad as it is right now. Things have gotten so bad that I actually question why I watch this stuff. Seriously...why do I cordon off every Monday night to watch sweaty, muscle-bound men roll around in the ring, pretending to fight?
When I was a kid, I believed it. It was real. Hulk Hogan couldn't be stopped. Randy Savage was actually going to kill Hulk Hogan. The Million Dollar Man shoving hundred dollar bills down Jake Roberts' throat really did damage his esophagus. No, Jake Roberts and Rick Martel really couldn't see each other through those hoods. And yes, The Undertaker really was a wrestling zombie. Sure, there was that unexplained phenomena of how the guys were unable to stop themselves from running off the ropes, but that was just something that hadn't occurred to me at the time. Piledrivers could be done without killing your opponent. They just had really strong necks, that's all.
When I was a teenager, it was chic. For the first time I can remember, it was okay to openly be a wrestling fan. My nWo and Austin 3:16 shirts were conversation pieces. Yeah, wrestling wasn't real, but I still felt it was worthy of respect. After all, it takes hard work to do what they do, night in and night out. Sure, the occasional moron needed to be argued down, but overall, it was a good time. I had begun to appreciate wrestling. I studied the finer points, the moves, the psychology of it all. To me, watching a good match was no different than watching a good basketball game. It wasn't competition anymore, but I liked when they pretended that it still was. As I got older, it became a soap opera, but it was still good. And it was exciting. You never knew what was going to happen next. Except for The Rock's catchphrases.
As a young adult, the unthinkable happened. WWF bought WCW. For those of us who grew up watching NWA and WWF, this was unheard of. And era was over. It brought curiosity, but it also brought apprehension. Curiosity because we wondered if we'd actually see WWF vs. WCW. We imagined matches with Stone Cold, The Rock, Triple H, and The Undertaker on one side and on the other, Ric Flair, Sting, Lex Luger, and Goldberg. None of it happened, of course. Apprehension because we secretly knew that competition is what drives innovation. The period of my teenage years, where wrestling was actually mainstream, came about because of competition. Those days might actually be over. And for the ones who remember when NWA and WWF were two entities that never acknowledged each other, when a wrestler would leave one promotion and show up in another under another name, with a fresh start and a whole roster of wrestlers to start feuds with...it was outright rejection. We knew the days of our youth truly were gone. A giant part of our youth was never to be seen again. At least, not with any respect.
And now, as an old man, I question myself. Not because i feel like I'm too old to watch this crap, but because I don't feel like the people who create the shows care about what's being shown. Those of us who truly love wrestling know that to be involved in it, you have to love it. To put up with the crap that goes on, the egos, the injuries, the politics, the constant grind...you have to be in love with wrestling to go through it all. And it just doesn't feel like the people who are making it truly do.
Those of us who truly love it remember back when they had territories, when the same wrestling you saw in Florida wasn't the same wrestling you saw in Georgia. When Jerry Lawler was the most hated man in Texas, but was practically God in Memphis. When "wrestling" wasn't a dirty word. There were no "characters." There were "gimmicks." There were no "storylines." There were "angles." When the reason for the feud was something as simple as missing the tag from your partner in a match, but that feud would become so big and so serious that the only way to settle it, after a year of constant fighting, was in a steel cage. When the show wasn't an infomercial to sell the monthly pay-per-view. I don't think the people in charge of "creative" understand any of that. And they haven't shown any effort to learn it. And it shows in what passes for a wrestling show these days.
They don't want a wrestling show. They want an action-adventure, high-octane, Monday Night soap opera. They want highly fleshed out characters with intricate motivations. There's nothing organic about it. They just kind of shoehorn everything together and try to force things to work. Wrestlers don't come out and wing it, in the ring or on the mic. Tag teams are thrown together and broken up two months later. Feuds come about not because two wrestlers might put on a good match, but because a pay-per-view is coming up and they've got to fill up the card. Everything is just wrong these days. They're really missing the important stuff here.
Earlier today, I was reading a user review for a martial arts movie where someone was complaining about the lack of story. The next review responded by basically saying that if you're watching a martial arts movie for the storyline, then you're missing the point. There's only so many ways to make two guys fight. I think the same thing goes for wrestling.
So "creative," next time you sit down to craft a storyline for two wrestlers...think about that. If you're coming up with stuff like spilling hot coffee on each other to start a feud, or fighting over a shampoo commercial in Japan, or humping a mannequin that's supposed to be another wrestler's dead ex-girlfriend...you're thinking too hard. The classics never go out of style. Two guys fighting over a woman. One guy is tired of carrying his tag team partner. One guy is fighting to protect his hated manager who's being attacked by another wrestler. Instead of trying to reinvent the wheel, try building on what's come before. It's worked for a hundred years. Even "geniuses" like Cornette and Heyman don't stray too far from the norm. I know you don't think you're better than they are.
Just keep it "wrestling," instead of "soap opera."
There's some pretty good stuff out there, though. Or so I'm told. TNA is actually pretty good, although I'm not sure if my standards have been lowered so much that I'm fooled into thinking it's good. The new school wrestling with an old school mentality is working for them. I'm assured at least ONE good match if I watch WWECW. There's other stuff, too...like Ring of Honor and Jersey All Pro and Combat Zone...all these independents where the next generation is coming up. But I'm too old (or lazy) to try to keep up with all of that. That's too much work. I'm too used to the days when you'd simply change the channel to the competition if the show was no good. The ratings forced them to make it good. Except there's no competition now. So I guess that's why I watch...to see if it's ever going to get good again.
When I was a kid, I believed it. It was real. Hulk Hogan couldn't be stopped. Randy Savage was actually going to kill Hulk Hogan. The Million Dollar Man shoving hundred dollar bills down Jake Roberts' throat really did damage his esophagus. No, Jake Roberts and Rick Martel really couldn't see each other through those hoods. And yes, The Undertaker really was a wrestling zombie. Sure, there was that unexplained phenomena of how the guys were unable to stop themselves from running off the ropes, but that was just something that hadn't occurred to me at the time. Piledrivers could be done without killing your opponent. They just had really strong necks, that's all.
When I was a teenager, it was chic. For the first time I can remember, it was okay to openly be a wrestling fan. My nWo and Austin 3:16 shirts were conversation pieces. Yeah, wrestling wasn't real, but I still felt it was worthy of respect. After all, it takes hard work to do what they do, night in and night out. Sure, the occasional moron needed to be argued down, but overall, it was a good time. I had begun to appreciate wrestling. I studied the finer points, the moves, the psychology of it all. To me, watching a good match was no different than watching a good basketball game. It wasn't competition anymore, but I liked when they pretended that it still was. As I got older, it became a soap opera, but it was still good. And it was exciting. You never knew what was going to happen next. Except for The Rock's catchphrases.
As a young adult, the unthinkable happened. WWF bought WCW. For those of us who grew up watching NWA and WWF, this was unheard of. And era was over. It brought curiosity, but it also brought apprehension. Curiosity because we wondered if we'd actually see WWF vs. WCW. We imagined matches with Stone Cold, The Rock, Triple H, and The Undertaker on one side and on the other, Ric Flair, Sting, Lex Luger, and Goldberg. None of it happened, of course. Apprehension because we secretly knew that competition is what drives innovation. The period of my teenage years, where wrestling was actually mainstream, came about because of competition. Those days might actually be over. And for the ones who remember when NWA and WWF were two entities that never acknowledged each other, when a wrestler would leave one promotion and show up in another under another name, with a fresh start and a whole roster of wrestlers to start feuds with...it was outright rejection. We knew the days of our youth truly were gone. A giant part of our youth was never to be seen again. At least, not with any respect.
And now, as an old man, I question myself. Not because i feel like I'm too old to watch this crap, but because I don't feel like the people who create the shows care about what's being shown. Those of us who truly love wrestling know that to be involved in it, you have to love it. To put up with the crap that goes on, the egos, the injuries, the politics, the constant grind...you have to be in love with wrestling to go through it all. And it just doesn't feel like the people who are making it truly do.
Those of us who truly love it remember back when they had territories, when the same wrestling you saw in Florida wasn't the same wrestling you saw in Georgia. When Jerry Lawler was the most hated man in Texas, but was practically God in Memphis. When "wrestling" wasn't a dirty word. There were no "characters." There were "gimmicks." There were no "storylines." There were "angles." When the reason for the feud was something as simple as missing the tag from your partner in a match, but that feud would become so big and so serious that the only way to settle it, after a year of constant fighting, was in a steel cage. When the show wasn't an infomercial to sell the monthly pay-per-view. I don't think the people in charge of "creative" understand any of that. And they haven't shown any effort to learn it. And it shows in what passes for a wrestling show these days.
They don't want a wrestling show. They want an action-adventure, high-octane, Monday Night soap opera. They want highly fleshed out characters with intricate motivations. There's nothing organic about it. They just kind of shoehorn everything together and try to force things to work. Wrestlers don't come out and wing it, in the ring or on the mic. Tag teams are thrown together and broken up two months later. Feuds come about not because two wrestlers might put on a good match, but because a pay-per-view is coming up and they've got to fill up the card. Everything is just wrong these days. They're really missing the important stuff here.
Earlier today, I was reading a user review for a martial arts movie where someone was complaining about the lack of story. The next review responded by basically saying that if you're watching a martial arts movie for the storyline, then you're missing the point. There's only so many ways to make two guys fight. I think the same thing goes for wrestling.
So "creative," next time you sit down to craft a storyline for two wrestlers...think about that. If you're coming up with stuff like spilling hot coffee on each other to start a feud, or fighting over a shampoo commercial in Japan, or humping a mannequin that's supposed to be another wrestler's dead ex-girlfriend...you're thinking too hard. The classics never go out of style. Two guys fighting over a woman. One guy is tired of carrying his tag team partner. One guy is fighting to protect his hated manager who's being attacked by another wrestler. Instead of trying to reinvent the wheel, try building on what's come before. It's worked for a hundred years. Even "geniuses" like Cornette and Heyman don't stray too far from the norm. I know you don't think you're better than they are.
Just keep it "wrestling," instead of "soap opera."
There's some pretty good stuff out there, though. Or so I'm told. TNA is actually pretty good, although I'm not sure if my standards have been lowered so much that I'm fooled into thinking it's good. The new school wrestling with an old school mentality is working for them. I'm assured at least ONE good match if I watch WWECW. There's other stuff, too...like Ring of Honor and Jersey All Pro and Combat Zone...all these independents where the next generation is coming up. But I'm too old (or lazy) to try to keep up with all of that. That's too much work. I'm too used to the days when you'd simply change the channel to the competition if the show was no good. The ratings forced them to make it good. Except there's no competition now. So I guess that's why I watch...to see if it's ever going to get good again.
Friday, July 28, 2006
When My Hero Failed: Hulk Hogan
April 2, 1990. I was three days shy of 12 years old. At that time, two of the most popular wrestlers in the world were Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior. One man was a true hero, in every sense of the word. The other claimed to be a hero, but later would become a purveyor of a betrayal most foul. Sorry, but I spent the day reading old Thor comics. These two men were about to face each other on the grandest stage of them all. Two titles on the line. One winner. One loser. And one man would walk away with my allegiances. And a good amount of my allowance.
Warning: Parts of this story may be wholly imagined.
It just the year before that I saw my first WWF Pay-Per-View. My parents bought it for me for my birthday, and I had almost missed it because I spent that weekend in North Carolina with my grandmother. And this is back when they showed PPVs during the day. It was Wrestlemania V. Hulk Hogan was challenging "Macho Man" Randy Savage for the WWF Championship. I remember being so worried for Hulk Hogan, that he wouldn't win the title. Savage began a theme in this match that continued into every Hogan/Savage match forever: Savage worked Hogan over pretty good. Religiously.
Yet somehow, Hogan came back and won the match. To paraphrase Gorilla Monsoon, he became impervious to pain. Just like he always did on Saturday morning TV. Well, the rare Saturday morning that he would actually wrestle. Back then, actually seeing the man wrestle was an event. And when I did, a funny thing would happen: after he came back and won the match, I would go outside to play, and I, too, became invincible and felt like I could do anything, just like Hulk Hogan did. It was similar to what Eddie Murphy was talking about with Italian guys and Rocky. Only, I was black. And Hulk Hogan kicked Rocky's ass. I think somehow, he managed to send the Power of Hulkamania through the TV.
So back then, I was a die-hard Hulkamaniac. My parents never got me the clothing, and I never was strong enough to tear my shirts off, but I watched his cartoon, I quoted his lines, bought his toys, and memorized all his moves and mannerisms. I would accept the lies he would tell in every interview he ever gave. I mean, I knew that the earth wasn't really going to open up and swallow Andre the Giant. But it was okay for him to lie like that, because Hulk Hogan was God's favorite wrestler. So, back then, it was all Hulk Hogan and He-Man. I was so caught up in Hulkamania that I was well into my teens before I could admit to myself that "No Holds Barred" was one of the worst movies I had ever seen. I'd still watch it, though.
Then, the Ultimate Warrior came along. This guy ran to the ring with his face painted and tassels around his arms, veins popping out of his arms, muscles coming from everywhere. He didn't look like Hogan and he didn't act like Hogan. But I thought, hey this guy's pretty cool! Yeah, initially, I was fooled. He was like a real live superhero. He even acted like he had powers at times. And he gave speeches...I still don't know what he was saying, but it must have been really important, because he yelled it. And it had big words. Lots of big words. Anyway, the first time I had heard of him was when he beat The Honky Tonk Man for the Intercontinental Title in 9 seconds. I didn't see the match until years later, but at the time, I was like, who is this guy? And when I saw him, I was amazed. Lifting guys over his head, shaking the ropes, and screaming...it was easy to see why unsuspecting children bought into his act. But there always seemed to be a darkside to him. He waiting for the right opportunity to unleash it, however. And that opportunity would eventually present itself.
They never interacted with each other, but they were the two most popular guys in the WWF at the time. Then the 1990 Royal Rumble came along and Hogan and The Warrior squared off for the first time. I believe the Warrior would have blindsided Hogan, but Hogan was on his guard, so the Warrior was forced to fight him straight up. They seemed to be evenly matched at the time, though. I believe Hogan was holding back, personally. And with the crowd solidly behind Hogan, I believe the Warrior became jealous.
And that jealousy would manifest itself in a tag team match on The Main Event. Hogan and the Warrior had teamed up against The Genius and Mr. Perfect. Hogan handily won the match for his team, and the Warrior schemed in the background. This was the moment his chose to strike, because when Mr. Perfect and the Genius attacked Hogan and the Warrior from behind, the Warrior began to retaliate with slams and clotheslines, appearing to defend the duo from harm, but in truth was planning to sneak one over on Hogan. Hogan, rising to his feet, was met with a clothesline by the Warrior. The Warrior pretended that it was a mistake and feigned concern, but Hogan wasn't fooled. Once he regained his composure, he shoved the Warrior and got right up in his face. Soon after, the challenge was made: Hogan vs. Warrior at Wrestlemania VI. And both of their titles were on the line!
Personally, I think the Warrior knew he couldn't win the match legally. So, at one point when the ref was down, the Warrior started bouncing off the rops like a crazy person, like he always did. He was setting up for his flying shoulder block, but Hogan, the crafty veteran he was, saw it coming and once the Warrior was airborne, sidestepped him and drove the Warrior's head into the mat, knocking him out. Hogan made the cover, but the ref was out, so he counted the Warrior's shoulders himself. Hogan counted three and that was good enough for me. And just to show it wasn't a fluke, he got up, got back down, pinned him again and counted another three count. Two pinfalls in one match. Personally, I thought the match should have been over then. Apparently, there's some rule about how you have to be an official referee for your pins to count, or something. So the match continued, once the referee woke up.
Once he got up, Hogan pinned the Warrior a third time, only this time the Warrior kicked out at two. So, in total, Hogan had the Warrior down for an EIGHT count, but six of those didn't count, because the Warrior was a no-good, lying, snake in the grass. And so, the match continued, illegally, I might add.
The match ended when Hogan was making a comeback, Hulking Up after the Warrior did his gorilla press slam. Hogan had done the big boot, and was going for the legdrop and the Warrior moved out of the way, did a splash off the ropes, and if you watch closely, you'll see the Warrior crack Hogan over the head with a frying pan on the way down. Warrior went for the cover and got the win.
One of my heroes, Hulk Hogan, had been screwed out of the title by the Ultimate Warrior. He clearly got two pinfalls on him during the match, yet was forced to continue. It was not unlike the 1972 Men's Olympic Basketball Team, where the Russians got three separate chances to win the game at the end. A travesty of the highest order. A miscarriage of justice, as Gorilla Monsoon might say. Only, he didn't say it, because he was hushed up by the powers that be. I heard a rumor that Monsoon's family was actually held hostage backstage, because he initially wouldn't cooperate.
Yet, Hulk Hogan, ever the gracious winner, was a gracious loser this time. He handed the title to the Warrior, hugged him and walked out. The crowd, however, knew what had happened and cheered for Hogan. I was on my couch with a lump in my throat. It was at that moment that I began to hate the Ultimate Warrior.
And I hated him until I noticed that he wasn't on TV anymore. Turns out, he quit or got fired or something. He later confirmed his insanity status when he legally had his named changed to "Warrior." Meanwhile, Hogan would go on have a gold plated pool filled with money installed in his living room. He had so much money that his toilet filled with champagne instead of water. He would eventually get his loss back, but no one cared because it was in WCW.
But it was a hard moment to deal with back then. The fact that my favorite wrestler was no longer on top. He would, of course, get the title back, but the one thing he couldn't get back, at least not when it mattered, was the loss...and the bragging rights I forfeited to the Warrior fans I talked junk to.
If only I could have shown those kids back in 1990, his public speaking video from 2004, where he went on a gay-bashing tirade. I think I would have won the battle.
Warning: Parts of this story may be wholly imagined.
It just the year before that I saw my first WWF Pay-Per-View. My parents bought it for me for my birthday, and I had almost missed it because I spent that weekend in North Carolina with my grandmother. And this is back when they showed PPVs during the day. It was Wrestlemania V. Hulk Hogan was challenging "Macho Man" Randy Savage for the WWF Championship. I remember being so worried for Hulk Hogan, that he wouldn't win the title. Savage began a theme in this match that continued into every Hogan/Savage match forever: Savage worked Hogan over pretty good. Religiously.
Yet somehow, Hogan came back and won the match. To paraphrase Gorilla Monsoon, he became impervious to pain. Just like he always did on Saturday morning TV. Well, the rare Saturday morning that he would actually wrestle. Back then, actually seeing the man wrestle was an event. And when I did, a funny thing would happen: after he came back and won the match, I would go outside to play, and I, too, became invincible and felt like I could do anything, just like Hulk Hogan did. It was similar to what Eddie Murphy was talking about with Italian guys and Rocky. Only, I was black. And Hulk Hogan kicked Rocky's ass. I think somehow, he managed to send the Power of Hulkamania through the TV.
So back then, I was a die-hard Hulkamaniac. My parents never got me the clothing, and I never was strong enough to tear my shirts off, but I watched his cartoon, I quoted his lines, bought his toys, and memorized all his moves and mannerisms. I would accept the lies he would tell in every interview he ever gave. I mean, I knew that the earth wasn't really going to open up and swallow Andre the Giant. But it was okay for him to lie like that, because Hulk Hogan was God's favorite wrestler. So, back then, it was all Hulk Hogan and He-Man. I was so caught up in Hulkamania that I was well into my teens before I could admit to myself that "No Holds Barred" was one of the worst movies I had ever seen. I'd still watch it, though.
Then, the Ultimate Warrior came along. This guy ran to the ring with his face painted and tassels around his arms, veins popping out of his arms, muscles coming from everywhere. He didn't look like Hogan and he didn't act like Hogan. But I thought, hey this guy's pretty cool! Yeah, initially, I was fooled. He was like a real live superhero. He even acted like he had powers at times. And he gave speeches...I still don't know what he was saying, but it must have been really important, because he yelled it. And it had big words. Lots of big words. Anyway, the first time I had heard of him was when he beat The Honky Tonk Man for the Intercontinental Title in 9 seconds. I didn't see the match until years later, but at the time, I was like, who is this guy? And when I saw him, I was amazed. Lifting guys over his head, shaking the ropes, and screaming...it was easy to see why unsuspecting children bought into his act. But there always seemed to be a darkside to him. He waiting for the right opportunity to unleash it, however. And that opportunity would eventually present itself.
They never interacted with each other, but they were the two most popular guys in the WWF at the time. Then the 1990 Royal Rumble came along and Hogan and The Warrior squared off for the first time. I believe the Warrior would have blindsided Hogan, but Hogan was on his guard, so the Warrior was forced to fight him straight up. They seemed to be evenly matched at the time, though. I believe Hogan was holding back, personally. And with the crowd solidly behind Hogan, I believe the Warrior became jealous.
And that jealousy would manifest itself in a tag team match on The Main Event. Hogan and the Warrior had teamed up against The Genius and Mr. Perfect. Hogan handily won the match for his team, and the Warrior schemed in the background. This was the moment his chose to strike, because when Mr. Perfect and the Genius attacked Hogan and the Warrior from behind, the Warrior began to retaliate with slams and clotheslines, appearing to defend the duo from harm, but in truth was planning to sneak one over on Hogan. Hogan, rising to his feet, was met with a clothesline by the Warrior. The Warrior pretended that it was a mistake and feigned concern, but Hogan wasn't fooled. Once he regained his composure, he shoved the Warrior and got right up in his face. Soon after, the challenge was made: Hogan vs. Warrior at Wrestlemania VI. And both of their titles were on the line!
Personally, I think the Warrior knew he couldn't win the match legally. So, at one point when the ref was down, the Warrior started bouncing off the rops like a crazy person, like he always did. He was setting up for his flying shoulder block, but Hogan, the crafty veteran he was, saw it coming and once the Warrior was airborne, sidestepped him and drove the Warrior's head into the mat, knocking him out. Hogan made the cover, but the ref was out, so he counted the Warrior's shoulders himself. Hogan counted three and that was good enough for me. And just to show it wasn't a fluke, he got up, got back down, pinned him again and counted another three count. Two pinfalls in one match. Personally, I thought the match should have been over then. Apparently, there's some rule about how you have to be an official referee for your pins to count, or something. So the match continued, once the referee woke up.
Once he got up, Hogan pinned the Warrior a third time, only this time the Warrior kicked out at two. So, in total, Hogan had the Warrior down for an EIGHT count, but six of those didn't count, because the Warrior was a no-good, lying, snake in the grass. And so, the match continued, illegally, I might add.
The match ended when Hogan was making a comeback, Hulking Up after the Warrior did his gorilla press slam. Hogan had done the big boot, and was going for the legdrop and the Warrior moved out of the way, did a splash off the ropes, and if you watch closely, you'll see the Warrior crack Hogan over the head with a frying pan on the way down. Warrior went for the cover and got the win.
One of my heroes, Hulk Hogan, had been screwed out of the title by the Ultimate Warrior. He clearly got two pinfalls on him during the match, yet was forced to continue. It was not unlike the 1972 Men's Olympic Basketball Team, where the Russians got three separate chances to win the game at the end. A travesty of the highest order. A miscarriage of justice, as Gorilla Monsoon might say. Only, he didn't say it, because he was hushed up by the powers that be. I heard a rumor that Monsoon's family was actually held hostage backstage, because he initially wouldn't cooperate.
Yet, Hulk Hogan, ever the gracious winner, was a gracious loser this time. He handed the title to the Warrior, hugged him and walked out. The crowd, however, knew what had happened and cheered for Hogan. I was on my couch with a lump in my throat. It was at that moment that I began to hate the Ultimate Warrior.
And I hated him until I noticed that he wasn't on TV anymore. Turns out, he quit or got fired or something. He later confirmed his insanity status when he legally had his named changed to "Warrior." Meanwhile, Hogan would go on have a gold plated pool filled with money installed in his living room. He had so much money that his toilet filled with champagne instead of water. He would eventually get his loss back, but no one cared because it was in WCW.
But it was a hard moment to deal with back then. The fact that my favorite wrestler was no longer on top. He would, of course, get the title back, but the one thing he couldn't get back, at least not when it mattered, was the loss...and the bragging rights I forfeited to the Warrior fans I talked junk to.
If only I could have shown those kids back in 1990, his public speaking video from 2004, where he went on a gay-bashing tirade. I think I would have won the battle.
A LONG Commentary About the Middle East
Tony Blair and George W. Bush were on TV today, explaining why they don't get the hell out of Iraq and the Middle East.
Bush kept giving that tired rhetoric about how the terrorists hate us because we're free. They both tried to explain that we need to stay there because it's the right thing to do, etc. We have to stay the course, even in the face of overwhelming opposition in our home countries. There was some stuff about the flowering of democracy or something. I don't know. Might have been talking about virgins.
I guess the destabilization of the entire region is the right thing to do. I didn't know that inciting war could be a good thing. I guess there's a guy in his house, somewhere in Iraq, carrying his dead family out of the rubble that used to be his house, and he's thinking to himself, "yeah, I lost everything, but it was the right thing to do, because I can vote now. I just have to get past the mine fields and suicide bombers."
I'm tired of them claiming that they're over there for some sort of noble reason. The noble reason would have been the action in Afghanistan. Y'know...trying to find the person that they claimed was responsible for Sept. 11. Even though I secretly believe that the US Govt. was somehow responsible for that (well, not a secret anymore), you could connect the dots in a reasonable way. Everything else has just been extra. Fighting in Iraq has solved what, exactly? Yeah, you got Saddam in jail, but the entire country has become a warzone. Don't you think you've taken a step back? Not to mention the fighters from the other countries who came to Iraq to fight the Americans. Then, while you have all of your resources fighting Iraq, you start talking junk to Iran. Yeah, that's smart. Excuse me for failing to see the positives.
I'm tired of them saying that they hate America because we're "free." They don't hate America because we're "free." They hate America because we back Israel. That's the long and the short of it. If they hated America because it was "free," then they'd hate Japan for the exact same reason. And last time I checked, the only terrorists attacking Japan were other Japanese people.
Really, I'd hate America, too, if some white dudes came in out of nowhere and told me I had to move my camels and find somewhere else to live because it's giving this land to my sworn enemies. Me and all my friends would go buy some guns and act a fool. And that's exactly what happened. Just imagine if it happened to you.
Now, you got Hezbollah firing rockets into Israel and Israel retaliating, Hamas is doing something in the Gaza Strip, Iran is backing someone, Syria backing someone. It's all gotten way too confusing.
What the Israelis need to understand is, you are in hostile territory. The house next door to yours is someone who has sworn to eliminate you. However, the people who live in your backyard, were also promised some land, which you are currently occupying. Give it back to the Palestinians. Maybe they'll stop throwing rocks at you. Not running over them with tanks would also help.
What the Palestinians need to understand is, they need to get rid of the PLO. You're never going to get anywhere with that group making your decisions. I'm sure that there's a ton of good people within your ranks who just want to have their land and live their lives. That's cool. The PLO is never going to let you do that, though. They're just going to keep dragging you into conflict.
What all the extremist Muslim organizations need to understand is that, A: Israel isn't going anywhere, so you might as well get used to it. You haven't been able to get rid of it in 60 years, I'd say you've lost that battle. Israel being there isn't really hurting you, except on some religious level and it's not like they'd stop you from coming in and worshipping and stuff, it's just that you never act right. If you can't worship and keep from blowing stuff up, why should they treat you any other way than shooting rockets at you? B: Blowing stuff up isn't going to get you what you want. Killing people isn't going to get you what you want. All that's going to do is make people retaliate. And while you might think that you're ready for war and ready to die (they sound like rappers), you can't kill them all. So you need to ask yourself, what are you fighting for? What are you really trying to accomplish? If your answer is "to wipe Israel off of the map," you need to think again, because your leaders have duped you into thinking that's a realistic goal. That's never going to happen. At least, not until the aliens come.
Dammit, just stop killing people. Or at the very least, just stop going over there. If you're from Syria, you only share a border with Israel of what? 50 feet? Leave those people alone. They've got control of a mile and a half of land. And it's been that way for 60 years. Let it go. Stop living in the past. They're not leaving.
And what the American politicians need to understand is this: At least half of all Americans could really care less what's going on in the Middle East. At least half. When the news comes on, and Shepard Smith or Anderson Cooper goes, "There was more violence in the Middle East today," we roll our eyes and say, "Must be a rerun. What's on ESPN?" A lot of us just don't care anymore. It's not going to stop. There has been violence in the Middle East for some of our entire lives. I've been here for almost three decades and I've never know a time when there wasn't violence over there. So seeing as how they don't care enough to stop, I don't care enough to care. Everyone I've talked to about this knows my solution and while it's been refined here and there, it always begins with nuclear weapons and ends with a smoking crater where the Middle East used to be.
Give us a reason why we should care anymore. One that doesn't have to do with Jesus coming back.
You know what most Americans care about? Paying three dollars for a gallon of gas. Health care bills. The credit cards we abused when we were in college. Rent. Getting to work on time. Making sure our kids are fed and clothed. Stuff that's a little closer to home. We don't care about helping out people who want to die. We got our own problems. We'd like our government to do something about our needs for a change instead of trying to involve itself in everyone else's lives. The American government is like that PTA mom who's always ranting and raving about everything at the school, but doesn't even have time for her own kids. Then she wonders why they resent her later in life.
Bush kept giving that tired rhetoric about how the terrorists hate us because we're free. They both tried to explain that we need to stay there because it's the right thing to do, etc. We have to stay the course, even in the face of overwhelming opposition in our home countries. There was some stuff about the flowering of democracy or something. I don't know. Might have been talking about virgins.
I guess the destabilization of the entire region is the right thing to do. I didn't know that inciting war could be a good thing. I guess there's a guy in his house, somewhere in Iraq, carrying his dead family out of the rubble that used to be his house, and he's thinking to himself, "yeah, I lost everything, but it was the right thing to do, because I can vote now. I just have to get past the mine fields and suicide bombers."
I'm tired of them claiming that they're over there for some sort of noble reason. The noble reason would have been the action in Afghanistan. Y'know...trying to find the person that they claimed was responsible for Sept. 11. Even though I secretly believe that the US Govt. was somehow responsible for that (well, not a secret anymore), you could connect the dots in a reasonable way. Everything else has just been extra. Fighting in Iraq has solved what, exactly? Yeah, you got Saddam in jail, but the entire country has become a warzone. Don't you think you've taken a step back? Not to mention the fighters from the other countries who came to Iraq to fight the Americans. Then, while you have all of your resources fighting Iraq, you start talking junk to Iran. Yeah, that's smart. Excuse me for failing to see the positives.
I'm tired of them saying that they hate America because we're "free." They don't hate America because we're "free." They hate America because we back Israel. That's the long and the short of it. If they hated America because it was "free," then they'd hate Japan for the exact same reason. And last time I checked, the only terrorists attacking Japan were other Japanese people.
Really, I'd hate America, too, if some white dudes came in out of nowhere and told me I had to move my camels and find somewhere else to live because it's giving this land to my sworn enemies. Me and all my friends would go buy some guns and act a fool. And that's exactly what happened. Just imagine if it happened to you.
Now, you got Hezbollah firing rockets into Israel and Israel retaliating, Hamas is doing something in the Gaza Strip, Iran is backing someone, Syria backing someone. It's all gotten way too confusing.
What the Israelis need to understand is, you are in hostile territory. The house next door to yours is someone who has sworn to eliminate you. However, the people who live in your backyard, were also promised some land, which you are currently occupying. Give it back to the Palestinians. Maybe they'll stop throwing rocks at you. Not running over them with tanks would also help.
What the Palestinians need to understand is, they need to get rid of the PLO. You're never going to get anywhere with that group making your decisions. I'm sure that there's a ton of good people within your ranks who just want to have their land and live their lives. That's cool. The PLO is never going to let you do that, though. They're just going to keep dragging you into conflict.
What all the extremist Muslim organizations need to understand is that, A: Israel isn't going anywhere, so you might as well get used to it. You haven't been able to get rid of it in 60 years, I'd say you've lost that battle. Israel being there isn't really hurting you, except on some religious level and it's not like they'd stop you from coming in and worshipping and stuff, it's just that you never act right. If you can't worship and keep from blowing stuff up, why should they treat you any other way than shooting rockets at you? B: Blowing stuff up isn't going to get you what you want. Killing people isn't going to get you what you want. All that's going to do is make people retaliate. And while you might think that you're ready for war and ready to die (they sound like rappers), you can't kill them all. So you need to ask yourself, what are you fighting for? What are you really trying to accomplish? If your answer is "to wipe Israel off of the map," you need to think again, because your leaders have duped you into thinking that's a realistic goal. That's never going to happen. At least, not until the aliens come.
Dammit, just stop killing people. Or at the very least, just stop going over there. If you're from Syria, you only share a border with Israel of what? 50 feet? Leave those people alone. They've got control of a mile and a half of land. And it's been that way for 60 years. Let it go. Stop living in the past. They're not leaving.
And what the American politicians need to understand is this: At least half of all Americans could really care less what's going on in the Middle East. At least half. When the news comes on, and Shepard Smith or Anderson Cooper goes, "There was more violence in the Middle East today," we roll our eyes and say, "Must be a rerun. What's on ESPN?" A lot of us just don't care anymore. It's not going to stop. There has been violence in the Middle East for some of our entire lives. I've been here for almost three decades and I've never know a time when there wasn't violence over there. So seeing as how they don't care enough to stop, I don't care enough to care. Everyone I've talked to about this knows my solution and while it's been refined here and there, it always begins with nuclear weapons and ends with a smoking crater where the Middle East used to be.
Give us a reason why we should care anymore. One that doesn't have to do with Jesus coming back.
You know what most Americans care about? Paying three dollars for a gallon of gas. Health care bills. The credit cards we abused when we were in college. Rent. Getting to work on time. Making sure our kids are fed and clothed. Stuff that's a little closer to home. We don't care about helping out people who want to die. We got our own problems. We'd like our government to do something about our needs for a change instead of trying to involve itself in everyone else's lives. The American government is like that PTA mom who's always ranting and raving about everything at the school, but doesn't even have time for her own kids. Then she wonders why they resent her later in life.
When My Hero Failed: Michael Jordan
Something about your teenage years makes everything seem so much more important than any other time in your life. I don't know if it's the hormones or the fact that I really didn't have the slightest inkling about what really mattered in the world. Maybe it was the fact that I was still a virgin and the buildup was affecting my brain chemistry.
Yeah, right. There was no buildup at all. In fact, my teenage years is the reason why my right arm is bigger than my left. Regardless of what the cause is, though, there are just certain things from those years that seemed larger than life and for whatever reason, a lot of what happened during my teenage years seemed to always stick with me. Certain things I've never really gotten over. Especially when it comes to sports.
For most guys, we live or die with our favorite sports teams and it just seems that the stuff that happened to them when we were teenagers sticks out just a little bit more. For me, it was things like when Dominique Wilkins was traded. I still haven't truly gotten over that, and it was in 1994. It's taking a great deal of restraint to keep myself from dropping 4000 words on why this was wrong. Or the Nebraska/Penn State National Championship game in 1994. What's that? You don't remember it? Neither does anyone else, and that's what makes it memorable. Because it never happened. And to this day, it's the reason why I don't watch college football. But there was one event that really stung when I was 17, probably more than all the rest. Game 1 of the 1995 Eastern Conference Semi-Finals. The Chicago Bulls vs. The Orlando Magic.
The main thing that I remember is Michael Jordan bringing the ball up, and Nick Anderson snuck up behind him, knocked the ball away and Michael Jordan fell flat on the floor. Nick Anderson kicked the ball up to Penny Hardaway, who passed off to Horace Grant for the dunk. The Orlando Arena exploded. Magic win.
The image of Michael Jordan falling on the floor is burned into my memory to this day. The turnover, the sinking feeling in my stomach, the fact that I was going to have to face everyone I had talked shit to at school that day, the dunk by Horace Grant...all of that has stuck with me since 1995.
See, back then, like most kids, whether they want to admit it or not, I looked up to Michael Jordan. I wore his red jersey like a second skin. I couldn't find the white one, so I bought it off of this guy's back in the drive-thru when I worked at Burger King. I own a life-size cut out of this man. I bought a plaque containing an autographed picture of Michael Jordan that I knew was probably a forgery (and it is), just because I figured it was as close to Michael Jordan as I was going to get. Did you see the picture of his statue that I posted? Read the caption. Just seeing the statue was almost like a religious experience. So, basically...I'm a Michael Jordan fanatic.
So in my mind, this man could do no wrong. Michael Jordan didn't fail. Michael Jordan didn't make mistakes. Michael Jordan didn't lose. Yet, in this one game, he did all three and shattered the image I had of him. And he didn't do it in just one game...he did it in the space of 15 seconds at the end of a playoff game. It was the first time I had ever seen him truly lose. It shook my faith that Michael Jordan was going to do something special and the Bulls would win. Since he started winning championships, that hadn't happened.
I'm sure a lot of people remember all the news headlines, talking about Michael Jordan being mortal after all, but to me, it was a serious change in the way i viewed him. The dunk over Shaq that I swore he would get never came. And at one point in the series, Nick Anderson blocked his fadeaway. I had never seen Michael Jordan get blocked before. Well, not without getting mugged first. I tried to put up a brave face at school. I kept talking shit to that kid with the Shaq jersey, but one thing kept running through my mind: maybe Michael Jordan didn't have it anymore.
Yeah, we all remember that he tried to get it together. The next game, he incurred the league's wrath by switching back to number 23, and they won, but the series was really over after Game 1. After the Bulls tied the series at 2-2, they were blown out in the next two games in Orlando. I really don't even remember those games. I just remember seeing the traitorous Horace Grant celebrating about how his new team had taken down his old team. I hated Horace Grant for years after that. I hated his less-talented brother, Harvey, because he looked like him. This was the guy who put the dagger in the Bulls' heart, way back in Game 1. The Bulls went 6 games, but we all knew it was over at the end of Game 1. If you watched the game, you could just feel it. One mistake was all it took. One turnover changed more than just the game...it changed the series. The Bulls just weren't the same after that. Meanwhile, Orlando's confidence was growing by the minute.
Oh, yeah...it hurt to watch. That's something I do remember.
Of course, we all know how this ends. The Bulls went a record setting 72-10 next year, beat Orlando so bad in the playoffs that the team broke up (Shaq left for LA...had Orlando beaten Chicago, Shaq and Kobe would have been a wet dream), and won the championship. It helped me get over the previous season, somewhat. I still have those games on tape. And when I watch them, it makes me smile, because we got ours back against Orlando. That kid with the Shaq jersey had conveniently graduated the previous year, so I couldn't talk shit to him.
1996 was the last time things were ever in doubt, in my mind. I was never really worried that anyone else would beat them after that. Not after Michael proved that he was the real MJ again and won the championship. I mean, it was possible that someone could beat them, but it wasn't gonna happen. We had Michael Jordan. But even now, when they show that image of him on the ground, followed by the Grant dunk, it still stings. Just a little.
That was Michael Jordan, too.
Monday, July 24, 2006
The Newest McMahon...
The word on the street is that Stephanie McMahon (Helmsley? Levesque? Hell, I don't know what her last name is now) has gone into labor today. So congratulations to Triple H (who still won't cut off his Blue Oyster mustache)and the missus (who's voice makes my ears bleed).
So in honor of this day, I'd like to reminisce about the last time a baby between the two of them was discussed, by way of Stone Cold Steve Austin and crz.net (because someone had to transcribe all this crap, and it wasn't gonna be me).
"That's what I think about your little apology, and you know - what really, what really gets me sick to my stomach, I hear you come out here and you flap your gums about having a baby with Triple H. I regret the day that comes around when I drive up to the hospital on that day to offer my condolences - roll over and look at that little, uh, incubator thing, look down there and see a fifteen pound nose so full o' manure they can't keep diapers on the little bastard."
So in honor of this day, I'd like to reminisce about the last time a baby between the two of them was discussed, by way of Stone Cold Steve Austin and crz.net (because someone had to transcribe all this crap, and it wasn't gonna be me).
"That's what I think about your little apology, and you know - what really, what really gets me sick to my stomach, I hear you come out here and you flap your gums about having a baby with Triple H. I regret the day that comes around when I drive up to the hospital on that day to offer my condolences - roll over and look at that little, uh, incubator thing, look down there and see a fifteen pound nose so full o' manure they can't keep diapers on the little bastard."
Thursday, July 13, 2006
The Newest Bull...
The Newest Bull...
Miami and Detroit had trouble running with the Bulls before...now, you don't stand a chance. We can finally start talking championship again. And the bandwagon fans can stay with those other teams. Everyone who had jokes...it's finally time to dead that noise. I can't wait for the season to start.
Monday, July 10, 2006
The Healthcare Debate (One side of it, anyway)
Michael Moore's got a new movie coming out that's sure to polarize America once again, called Sicko, about America's healthcare system. Everyone's got a viewpoint on this one and it's usually a pretty charged argument. It seems like you're either on one side or the other. No middle ground. I'm putting my opinion out there, but I'm genuinely interested in what others think about this issue. Should you actually take the time to read this (all 5 of you), I want your feedback. I want to know what you think and why you feel that way.
Anyway, here's what I think about health care...
The way it should be is this: Yes, we need to have some form of socialized health care. Yeah, I said it. The fact is, there are way too many people out there who can't afford to pay $100 a month for insurance. When you're making $7.25 an hour, that's a good chunk of your check.
People who are against socialized health care always bring up two things: that the quality will be lower and that they don't want their money going to some pregnant crackhead who can't stop having babies/smoking crack. Something like that. And they're probably black, but they'll never say that part.
The thing is, you live in the richest nation in the world, hands down. What do you think will happen, that all hospitals will suddenly become condemned buildings with rusty tools from a back alley? Do you really think we'll have two-year waiting lists to see a doctor for emergency surgery? Secondly, when was the last time you EVER had control over where your tax money goes? Once the government takes it, it's not your money anymore! And thirdly, you don't have a choice in the matter! The money's getting took, regardless of what you want and it's going where it's going, regardless of what you want.
Hell, I don't like The President, but my tax money is helping pay him. I don't support the skirmish in Iraq, but my tax money is going towards it. You know, what? I've decided I don't want my money going there. I want to take back my $5 or 6 thousand from the $80 billion and put it towards education. I'm gonna march right up to the IRS and take my money back and put it where I want it.
That's the part where armed guards rush in and beat me into a coma.
What I'm saying is, everyone should have a minimum of health-care. You shouldn't have to decide what bill your not going to pay this month because you have to pay for coverage or medication. The sad reality is, a lot of people out there do this.
People act like the government has no obligation to take care of them, but they do. Their job is to protect you. Public officials are supposed to have the best interests of their constituents at heart, and if their constituents aren't getting themselves taken care of because they can't afford it, that's a problem. By the opposing logic, the government doesn't have to protect you from terrorists, either. But they do. So if they don't have to protect you from terrorists, or corporate greed (sometimes) or potholes or any other problem that the government does take care of...what the hell are you even paying taxes for? If every man is for himself, why do we have police? Why not just disband the police, give everyone their money back, and tell them, "go get a gun, you're own your own. Sorry."
Because it's fucking retarded, that's why.
Our country has reached a point that a lot of others haven't: We can actually provide for the less fortunate who live there. And the reality is, it's not always about hard work and pulling up your bootstraps or some other cliche like that. Sometimes, shit happens and someone needs to be there for the ones who fall through the cracks. Our government needs to protect those who can't protect themselves. They're always claiming to do it for some third-world country. Why not do it for actual taxpayers?
Also, no one's saying that we should get rid of private health care. Of course, we should have that. But everyone can't afford that option, so public health care should be there for the ones who can't. It's not like we can't afford it. If we can throw $80 billion at a pile of dirt and rocks in the Middle East, surely we can do this. If we can give $5 billion a year to Israel so they can shoot rockets at people who are mostly armed with rocks and plywood, surely we can do this.
"But we're doin' it for our freedom!" they scream.
Some people would like to be healthy enough to enjoy that freedom.
Anyway, here's what I think about health care...
The way it should be is this: Yes, we need to have some form of socialized health care. Yeah, I said it. The fact is, there are way too many people out there who can't afford to pay $100 a month for insurance. When you're making $7.25 an hour, that's a good chunk of your check.
People who are against socialized health care always bring up two things: that the quality will be lower and that they don't want their money going to some pregnant crackhead who can't stop having babies/smoking crack. Something like that. And they're probably black, but they'll never say that part.
The thing is, you live in the richest nation in the world, hands down. What do you think will happen, that all hospitals will suddenly become condemned buildings with rusty tools from a back alley? Do you really think we'll have two-year waiting lists to see a doctor for emergency surgery? Secondly, when was the last time you EVER had control over where your tax money goes? Once the government takes it, it's not your money anymore! And thirdly, you don't have a choice in the matter! The money's getting took, regardless of what you want and it's going where it's going, regardless of what you want.
Hell, I don't like The President, but my tax money is helping pay him. I don't support the skirmish in Iraq, but my tax money is going towards it. You know, what? I've decided I don't want my money going there. I want to take back my $5 or 6 thousand from the $80 billion and put it towards education. I'm gonna march right up to the IRS and take my money back and put it where I want it.
That's the part where armed guards rush in and beat me into a coma.
What I'm saying is, everyone should have a minimum of health-care. You shouldn't have to decide what bill your not going to pay this month because you have to pay for coverage or medication. The sad reality is, a lot of people out there do this.
People act like the government has no obligation to take care of them, but they do. Their job is to protect you. Public officials are supposed to have the best interests of their constituents at heart, and if their constituents aren't getting themselves taken care of because they can't afford it, that's a problem. By the opposing logic, the government doesn't have to protect you from terrorists, either. But they do. So if they don't have to protect you from terrorists, or corporate greed (sometimes) or potholes or any other problem that the government does take care of...what the hell are you even paying taxes for? If every man is for himself, why do we have police? Why not just disband the police, give everyone their money back, and tell them, "go get a gun, you're own your own. Sorry."
Because it's fucking retarded, that's why.
Our country has reached a point that a lot of others haven't: We can actually provide for the less fortunate who live there. And the reality is, it's not always about hard work and pulling up your bootstraps or some other cliche like that. Sometimes, shit happens and someone needs to be there for the ones who fall through the cracks. Our government needs to protect those who can't protect themselves. They're always claiming to do it for some third-world country. Why not do it for actual taxpayers?
Also, no one's saying that we should get rid of private health care. Of course, we should have that. But everyone can't afford that option, so public health care should be there for the ones who can't. It's not like we can't afford it. If we can throw $80 billion at a pile of dirt and rocks in the Middle East, surely we can do this. If we can give $5 billion a year to Israel so they can shoot rockets at people who are mostly armed with rocks and plywood, surely we can do this.
"But we're doin' it for our freedom!" they scream.
Some people would like to be healthy enough to enjoy that freedom.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Apparent Blindness vs. Michael Jordan
Allen Heckard, of Portland, Oregon is suing Michael Jordan and Nike Chairman Phil Knight for $832 million because people say he looks like Michael Jordan.
Correspondents on the scene say that Mr. Heckard is also suing God for inventing the color brown and the genetics that forced him to share that color with others of his race, including his family and friends. Defendants named in this suit include, "Craig, Junebug, Sweet Lenny, Lil' Chris, and Four Corners, the local wino." "Shonda's Little Brother" had no comment.
His lawsuit states that Jordan is being sued for "defamation and permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering." Jordan dares walk around looking like this guy that he, or anyone else on the planet, doesn't even know. Apparently, being the most famous person on Earth is causing this guy all sorts of mental anguish. And he's not gonna stand for it anymore...after already living with it for the 24 years that Jordan has been in the public consciousness.
Should Jordan lose here, expect a flurry of similar lawsuits, including those from his children, his mother, and a series of less successful siblings.
And Phil Knight is getting sued for "defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the world's most famous athletes." I, for one, agree. Phil Knight should not be able to get away with using this company to ride the Jordan Gravy Train to Profitability-Land. The nerve of this guy, trying to increase visibility for this corporate brand by attaching it to the biggest sports star ever. It makes me sick to my stomach, this...engaging in free enterprise. And damn that Jordan for his competitive drive that made him the best ball player on the planet! It was Jordan who made this fiendish plot come to fruition!
That's right, it is my personal belief that Jordan and Knight sat down all those years ago and planned to mildly irritate this man. Jordan decided to undergo plastic surgery to slightly resemble Mr. Heckard, if you squint your eyes and turn your head to the light. Knight decided to promote Jordan beyond all reason, regardless of whether or not Jordan turned out to be any good. In fact, the current life story of Jordan that everyone believes is a lie. Michael Jordan was really a homeless man Phil Knight found sleeping in his driveway one morning. He shaved him down and taught him to speak. The rest is history.
So, kudos to you, Mr. Heckard. Kudos for having the balls to stand up for what you believe in. And apparently, what you believe in is that no one should be able to profit off of looking like themselves, because someone who looks like them after a couple of shots of 151 and a head injury, might get offended.
And kudos for doing it while wearing a pair of Air Jordans at the time of this interview. Juevos, Mr. Heckard. Massive juevos.
And how did he arrive at the amount of $832 million?
"Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that's what it all boils down to."
I couldn't have said that nonsensical statement any better myself.
Correspondents on the scene say that Mr. Heckard is also suing God for inventing the color brown and the genetics that forced him to share that color with others of his race, including his family and friends. Defendants named in this suit include, "Craig, Junebug, Sweet Lenny, Lil' Chris, and Four Corners, the local wino." "Shonda's Little Brother" had no comment.
His lawsuit states that Jordan is being sued for "defamation and permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering." Jordan dares walk around looking like this guy that he, or anyone else on the planet, doesn't even know. Apparently, being the most famous person on Earth is causing this guy all sorts of mental anguish. And he's not gonna stand for it anymore...after already living with it for the 24 years that Jordan has been in the public consciousness.
Should Jordan lose here, expect a flurry of similar lawsuits, including those from his children, his mother, and a series of less successful siblings.
And Phil Knight is getting sued for "defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the world's most famous athletes." I, for one, agree. Phil Knight should not be able to get away with using this company to ride the Jordan Gravy Train to Profitability-Land. The nerve of this guy, trying to increase visibility for this corporate brand by attaching it to the biggest sports star ever. It makes me sick to my stomach, this...engaging in free enterprise. And damn that Jordan for his competitive drive that made him the best ball player on the planet! It was Jordan who made this fiendish plot come to fruition!
That's right, it is my personal belief that Jordan and Knight sat down all those years ago and planned to mildly irritate this man. Jordan decided to undergo plastic surgery to slightly resemble Mr. Heckard, if you squint your eyes and turn your head to the light. Knight decided to promote Jordan beyond all reason, regardless of whether or not Jordan turned out to be any good. In fact, the current life story of Jordan that everyone believes is a lie. Michael Jordan was really a homeless man Phil Knight found sleeping in his driveway one morning. He shaved him down and taught him to speak. The rest is history.
So, kudos to you, Mr. Heckard. Kudos for having the balls to stand up for what you believe in. And apparently, what you believe in is that no one should be able to profit off of looking like themselves, because someone who looks like them after a couple of shots of 151 and a head injury, might get offended.
And kudos for doing it while wearing a pair of Air Jordans at the time of this interview. Juevos, Mr. Heckard. Massive juevos.
And how did he arrive at the amount of $832 million?
"Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that's what it all boils down to."
I couldn't have said that nonsensical statement any better myself.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
The Last Word on...Bumper Stickers
"Jesus is the Answer." I read that on the back of someone's car on the way home today. Well, you'll excuse me for not taking important spiritual advice from a bumper sticker.
And since we're on the subject, that's a pretty open-ended statement, because I'm not really clear on what the question is. That's all well and good if the question was "What if my house burns down, my wife leaves me for my best friend, and none of my 9 kids are mine?" Then, there's only two possible answers: "Jesus," or "Beer." But what if the question is "What's two plus two?" Answering "Jesus" will probably make Jesus happy, but my teacher at Clown College isn't likely to be impressed. That is the just the kind of idiot answer that'll get you kicked out of your special ed classes, kids. At that point, they'll figure you're just a lost cause and you'll spend the rest of your life being that person who gets paid to eat things in the back of the bar. And it's just a matter of time before "rat poison" is one of the things you're getting paid to eat, stupid. Then, you'll get to see up close just how pleased Jesus was with that answer. I'm betting you'll just be the odds-on favorite to get laughed at by Jesus that day.
Therefore, the lesson here is, don't listen to bumper stickers unless they have directions to a bar or a strip club. I don't want my bumper stickers telling me who the president is, because I've already got plenty of newspapers and TV channels that I already avoid for trying to share that information with me. And I don't want my bumper stickers trying to convert me. It's hard enough slamming the door in the faces of Jehovah's Witnesses on Saturday mornings and now, I have to ignore it on the freeway, as well.
And since we're on the subject, that's a pretty open-ended statement, because I'm not really clear on what the question is. That's all well and good if the question was "What if my house burns down, my wife leaves me for my best friend, and none of my 9 kids are mine?" Then, there's only two possible answers: "Jesus," or "Beer." But what if the question is "What's two plus two?" Answering "Jesus" will probably make Jesus happy, but my teacher at Clown College isn't likely to be impressed. That is the just the kind of idiot answer that'll get you kicked out of your special ed classes, kids. At that point, they'll figure you're just a lost cause and you'll spend the rest of your life being that person who gets paid to eat things in the back of the bar. And it's just a matter of time before "rat poison" is one of the things you're getting paid to eat, stupid. Then, you'll get to see up close just how pleased Jesus was with that answer. I'm betting you'll just be the odds-on favorite to get laughed at by Jesus that day.
Therefore, the lesson here is, don't listen to bumper stickers unless they have directions to a bar or a strip club. I don't want my bumper stickers telling me who the president is, because I've already got plenty of newspapers and TV channels that I already avoid for trying to share that information with me. And I don't want my bumper stickers trying to convert me. It's hard enough slamming the door in the faces of Jehovah's Witnesses on Saturday mornings and now, I have to ignore it on the freeway, as well.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
The 2006 NBA Season In Review: Part One
Great season, ya'll. Well, great playoffs, anyway. Some things happened that were completely unexpected (the Clippers being a good team) and some things happened that were par for the course (the Nuggets underachieving, the Warriors missing the playoffs...again). But I've got something to say to each and every one of the NBA teams this year. At least I think I do. If I don't have anything to say to you, I'll come up with something.
30. Portland. The worst team in the league. You shouldn't expect anything less from a team that employs Darius Miles and insists that Zach Randolph is an elite player. And the future doesn't look bright, because you can't see that far down the road. They keep drafting high school players. You're better off burning down everything and starting over.
29. New York. I have written more than enough about this team. But the drama persists, because they still haven't decided what they're going to do about Larry Brown. I have a suggestion: Get the fuck out of his way...and show Isiah the door. And trade most of the team, starting with Marbury. If no one will take his contract, you can always shoot him. I'm sure the contract is insured. There's only one positive thing that I can say about this team: At least they're not the absolute worst team in the league.
28. Atlanta. After a few years of having no hope, I can actually see some positive things going on there. Billy Knight is still irritating me, though, and Mike Woodson is likely to be fired soon. And there's still a whole lotta drama in that front office. But Josh Smith is improving by leaps and bounds every day. And they've got the number 5 pick in the draft. Joe Johnson is steady and Al Harrington is still good trade bait. With the right moves, the Hawks could be on their way. Just make sure Billy Knight isn't in the driver's seat. I mean, seriously...I wouldn't have drafted Marvin Williams over most anyone that was taken in the first round, let alone Chris Paul.
27. Minnesota. It's bad enough that Kevin Garnett has had to play most of his career in a place where it's almost a certainty that no one will see him play. But for 10 years, Kevin HcHale has wasted this man's talent so much that you'd think he had a vendetta against him. One of the top 10 players in the league and you couldn't get him not ONE good player to stand alongside him? Not even by accident? A draft pick...something? Just trade him...you can't do nothing with him.
26. Charlotte. Nothing really to say here. They're doing what expansion teams do at this stage: Lose and lose big.
25. Golden State. Stop hiring these damn college coaches. That's about as bad as drafting high school players. You need someone who can put Baron Davis in his place and Mike Montgomery is not the man to do it. That's why you still didn't make the playoffs, regardless of all the talent on this team.
24. Toronto. They fired Rob Babcock and hired Bryan Colangelo as general manager. They have a good young front line. Watch as this team fleeces some, stupider idiot team out of draft picks and good players. It'll probably be New York.
23. Houston. They have a good young center in Yao Ming, who's finally starting to get it together, partnered with one of the most dynamic scorers in the league. Unfortunately for them, that scorer is Tracy McGrady and has proven to be a fragile as peanut brittle. The plus to that is that it forced Yao to stand on his own and it worked. Then, he broke his foot. They can't win for losing. And they lost a LOT.
22. Boston. Too good to get a good draft pick, too bad to make the playoffs. Much like Minnesota, they're wasting Paul Pierce's best years on a youth movement with high schoolers that might not ever produce. Never thought I'd say it, but I'm sure they regret losing Antoine Walker and Gary Payton. How's that Al Jefferson/Kendrick Perkins combo working out for you, Danny Ainge?
21. Seattle. Well, at least Bob Hill is a head coach again. I hope he wins a championship, while standing on the back of that fraud, Gregg Popovich.
20. Orlando. On the verge of becoming a power in the East once again, thanks to Dwight Howard. And ironically, in a year when both Brian Hill and Penny Hardaway returned to Orlando. Of course, Hardaway was released the next day, but for about 12 hours, it felt like the good ol' days...back when Penny was getting Brian Hill fired. Only this time, it was the other way around.
19. New Orleans/Oklahoma City. As long as they make Chris Paul happy, they'll be alright. And good job, Byron Scott. Your team did far more than I ever thought they would.
18. Philadelphia. You might as well trade Allen Iverson. It's not like you've tried to get him help since he's been there. And he actually wanted to be in Philly. How do so many idiot GMs keep getting jobs? It's not hard to build around a superstar talent. It really isn't. And if it is, it can't be nearly as hard as these retards are making it.
17. Utah. This team has made it about as far as it's going to in its current form. Jerry Sloan can only get rose petals out of shit for so long. Nothing against Andrei Kirilenko. He's actually very good. The best power forward you've never heard of.
16. Milwaukee. They're in a prime position to make some noise in the East. All they need is a defensive swingman and for Andrew Bogut to keep developing like he is. TJ Ford has been deadly and Michael Redd seems to have forgotten that got his big contract LAST YEAR. You don't have to play so hard, big boy. You're already paid.
15. Sacramento. I never thought the Ron Artest/Peja Stojakovic deal would work out like it has. Artest anchoring a terrible defense actually made it good. It would have been better if Mr. and Mrs. Doug Christie were still in town, though. Even still, they almost toppled the Spurs in the playoffs. Let's not get crazy, though. Artest is still Artest. He might start off next season driving a car into the scorer's table or something.
14. Chicago. The Eastern Conference's scrappiest team. They won 9 out of 10 to make the playoffs, then beat Miami twice, including once at home. I am so proud of this team, especially after dropping that dead weight, Eddy Curry, and picking up a comparable player AND two first round draft picks (which are sure to be good, because the Knicks are SO bad). A big guard and a post player should be the order of the day. And to get Tyson Chandler on weight gainer. Maybe they could lipo Michael Sweetney and inject it in Tyson Chandler.
13. LA Lakers. Please, please, please...get off Kobe Bryant's dick. And for that matter, same with Kwame Brown...myself included. I really ran that guy down, but I was proud as hell to see him man up in the playoffs. Sure, he fumbled a few balls and he made some mistakes. But for the first time, he showed some of the promise that made him the number 1 pick in the draft. Here's hoping that he improves on what he showed against Phoenix. And for the first time, Lamar Odom didn't look like he wanted to hurl the ball into Kobe's face.
12. Indiana. It completely baffles me how this team keeps winning. I...I just don't get it. No backcourt players to speak of, soft inside. They shouldn't ever win games. And yet they do. I think my head is about to explode.
11. LA Clippers. Their best season in 30 years. There's a lot to like here. Sam Cassell, the old vet, hitting big shots and teaching this team how to win. And yes, he still looks like a bug. Elton Brand, MVP Candidate and walking 20-10. Shaun Livingston, the future of this franchise. Even Corey Maggette, who I still believe should have stayed in school, played well. And on top of all of that, on top of dominating the Lakers, on top of being the feel good story of the year, they made the second round of the playoffs and pushed Phoenix to 7 games. Everyone should be proud of this team.
30. Portland. The worst team in the league. You shouldn't expect anything less from a team that employs Darius Miles and insists that Zach Randolph is an elite player. And the future doesn't look bright, because you can't see that far down the road. They keep drafting high school players. You're better off burning down everything and starting over.
29. New York. I have written more than enough about this team. But the drama persists, because they still haven't decided what they're going to do about Larry Brown. I have a suggestion: Get the fuck out of his way...and show Isiah the door. And trade most of the team, starting with Marbury. If no one will take his contract, you can always shoot him. I'm sure the contract is insured. There's only one positive thing that I can say about this team: At least they're not the absolute worst team in the league.
28. Atlanta. After a few years of having no hope, I can actually see some positive things going on there. Billy Knight is still irritating me, though, and Mike Woodson is likely to be fired soon. And there's still a whole lotta drama in that front office. But Josh Smith is improving by leaps and bounds every day. And they've got the number 5 pick in the draft. Joe Johnson is steady and Al Harrington is still good trade bait. With the right moves, the Hawks could be on their way. Just make sure Billy Knight isn't in the driver's seat. I mean, seriously...I wouldn't have drafted Marvin Williams over most anyone that was taken in the first round, let alone Chris Paul.
27. Minnesota. It's bad enough that Kevin Garnett has had to play most of his career in a place where it's almost a certainty that no one will see him play. But for 10 years, Kevin HcHale has wasted this man's talent so much that you'd think he had a vendetta against him. One of the top 10 players in the league and you couldn't get him not ONE good player to stand alongside him? Not even by accident? A draft pick...something? Just trade him...you can't do nothing with him.
26. Charlotte. Nothing really to say here. They're doing what expansion teams do at this stage: Lose and lose big.
25. Golden State. Stop hiring these damn college coaches. That's about as bad as drafting high school players. You need someone who can put Baron Davis in his place and Mike Montgomery is not the man to do it. That's why you still didn't make the playoffs, regardless of all the talent on this team.
24. Toronto. They fired Rob Babcock and hired Bryan Colangelo as general manager. They have a good young front line. Watch as this team fleeces some, stupider idiot team out of draft picks and good players. It'll probably be New York.
23. Houston. They have a good young center in Yao Ming, who's finally starting to get it together, partnered with one of the most dynamic scorers in the league. Unfortunately for them, that scorer is Tracy McGrady and has proven to be a fragile as peanut brittle. The plus to that is that it forced Yao to stand on his own and it worked. Then, he broke his foot. They can't win for losing. And they lost a LOT.
22. Boston. Too good to get a good draft pick, too bad to make the playoffs. Much like Minnesota, they're wasting Paul Pierce's best years on a youth movement with high schoolers that might not ever produce. Never thought I'd say it, but I'm sure they regret losing Antoine Walker and Gary Payton. How's that Al Jefferson/Kendrick Perkins combo working out for you, Danny Ainge?
21. Seattle. Well, at least Bob Hill is a head coach again. I hope he wins a championship, while standing on the back of that fraud, Gregg Popovich.
20. Orlando. On the verge of becoming a power in the East once again, thanks to Dwight Howard. And ironically, in a year when both Brian Hill and Penny Hardaway returned to Orlando. Of course, Hardaway was released the next day, but for about 12 hours, it felt like the good ol' days...back when Penny was getting Brian Hill fired. Only this time, it was the other way around.
19. New Orleans/Oklahoma City. As long as they make Chris Paul happy, they'll be alright. And good job, Byron Scott. Your team did far more than I ever thought they would.
18. Philadelphia. You might as well trade Allen Iverson. It's not like you've tried to get him help since he's been there. And he actually wanted to be in Philly. How do so many idiot GMs keep getting jobs? It's not hard to build around a superstar talent. It really isn't. And if it is, it can't be nearly as hard as these retards are making it.
17. Utah. This team has made it about as far as it's going to in its current form. Jerry Sloan can only get rose petals out of shit for so long. Nothing against Andrei Kirilenko. He's actually very good. The best power forward you've never heard of.
16. Milwaukee. They're in a prime position to make some noise in the East. All they need is a defensive swingman and for Andrew Bogut to keep developing like he is. TJ Ford has been deadly and Michael Redd seems to have forgotten that got his big contract LAST YEAR. You don't have to play so hard, big boy. You're already paid.
15. Sacramento. I never thought the Ron Artest/Peja Stojakovic deal would work out like it has. Artest anchoring a terrible defense actually made it good. It would have been better if Mr. and Mrs. Doug Christie were still in town, though. Even still, they almost toppled the Spurs in the playoffs. Let's not get crazy, though. Artest is still Artest. He might start off next season driving a car into the scorer's table or something.
14. Chicago. The Eastern Conference's scrappiest team. They won 9 out of 10 to make the playoffs, then beat Miami twice, including once at home. I am so proud of this team, especially after dropping that dead weight, Eddy Curry, and picking up a comparable player AND two first round draft picks (which are sure to be good, because the Knicks are SO bad). A big guard and a post player should be the order of the day. And to get Tyson Chandler on weight gainer. Maybe they could lipo Michael Sweetney and inject it in Tyson Chandler.
13. LA Lakers. Please, please, please...get off Kobe Bryant's dick. And for that matter, same with Kwame Brown...myself included. I really ran that guy down, but I was proud as hell to see him man up in the playoffs. Sure, he fumbled a few balls and he made some mistakes. But for the first time, he showed some of the promise that made him the number 1 pick in the draft. Here's hoping that he improves on what he showed against Phoenix. And for the first time, Lamar Odom didn't look like he wanted to hurl the ball into Kobe's face.
12. Indiana. It completely baffles me how this team keeps winning. I...I just don't get it. No backcourt players to speak of, soft inside. They shouldn't ever win games. And yet they do. I think my head is about to explode.
11. LA Clippers. Their best season in 30 years. There's a lot to like here. Sam Cassell, the old vet, hitting big shots and teaching this team how to win. And yes, he still looks like a bug. Elton Brand, MVP Candidate and walking 20-10. Shaun Livingston, the future of this franchise. Even Corey Maggette, who I still believe should have stayed in school, played well. And on top of all of that, on top of dominating the Lakers, on top of being the feel good story of the year, they made the second round of the playoffs and pushed Phoenix to 7 games. Everyone should be proud of this team.
The 2006 NBA Season In Review: Part Two
BREAKING NEWS... Larry Brown has been fired as coach of the New York Knicks. The only good thing about this organization has been shown the door. Well, I shouldn't say the ONLY thing. I'm sure the beer guy and that one guy at the front who sells programs work pretty hard. See, Hasim...I told you I recognize your efforts. Anyway, Isiah Thomas has FINALLY taken over as head coach of the mess he assembled. The kid gloves are off, baby. Zeke is gonna show us how it's done. Hilarity ensues.
This team will probably make the playoffs just to spite me. I hate Isiah Thomas.
10. Washington. Without Gilbert Arenas, this team would be dead in the water. Sure, they'd flounder around for a little while, like the snake that hasn't realized that his head was cut off. But once they realize that Antawn Jamison and Caron Butler can't do it without the guy who really lives to take the big shots, let the losing streaks roll. Other than that, they're a good team.
9. Memphis. Probably the most boring team in the league. And that's saying something when you've still got San Antonio around. Of course, maybe that's the strategy. For those who remember back that, Mike Fratello was also coaching the Cleveland Cavaliers back when the plan was to purposefully slow the game down to a crawl. They were winning games in the high 70s, boring their fans to sleep and in the process, I believe...their opponents. I believe that could be what's going on here. I'm getting sleepy just writing about them.
8. Cleveland. LeBron James is going to be the best player in the NBA. I'm sure the NBA would love for him to be in New York instead of podunk Cleveland. Other than this, I find no other reason to talk about Cleveland. And Bone sucks.
7. Denver. It must suck to be Carmelo Anthony. First, he's overshadowed by Lebron James from the gate. Then, he's overshadowed by Dwyane Wade. And I personally have jokes about how Darko got a ring before ALL of them. And on top of all of that, he's had a better team around around him from day one. And they continue to underachieve, year after year.
6. New Jersey. Vince Carter, Jason Kidd, Richard Jefferson. You have potentially the most explosive fast break in the league. Why are these dumbasses walking the ball up court and running a half-court offense? Why aren't they the Phoenix Suns done right? You can't run a half court offense when you have no one in the middle! Washington knows this. Seattle knows this. Phoenix knows this. Why can't New Jersey seem to catch on? And where the fuck is Kerry Kittles? Why can't someone pull some strings and bring him back?
5. San Antonio. Some very key truths were realized about this team. One, they need to get that Tim Duncan/free throw situation under control. I mean, my God...Shaq was laughing at you. Two, Tony Parker needs to find a jumpshot. Somewhere. Anywhere. Three, perimeter defense. You have none. Four, speed. Preferably on the perimeter, so your defense can use it. Who exposed all of this? Dallas, the team who has all of that. If Tim Duncan should shoot free throws, he'd be Dirk Nowitzki. If Tony Parker could shoot, he'd be Jason Terry. And they've got Josh Howard defending on the perimeter, not Brent Barry. It's no wonder Dallas went to the Finals.
4. Phoenix. For the last two years, they've gotten closer and closer to shoving the theory that defense wins championships up our asses. I don't think there's anything left to say.
3. Detroit. I wrote this entire two parter because of this team right here. I wanted to vent my frustrations at them and couldn't make it a long enough entry. Detroit, you have let success go to your head. That's why you didn't win. You have fallen into the belief that you are an elite team, and you are not. You thought that you were Shaq's Lakers or Michael's Bulls, that you could turn it on when you needed to. And who's the worst offender of them all? No, not Rasheed Wallace (although he needs to learn that he's unstoppable on the low block and eminently stoppable beyond the arc...guess where he spends most of his time?). Chauncey Billups. Apparently, you have officially bought into your own hype. All this "Mr. Big Shot" stuff went straight to your head, because every chance you got, you were trying to hit yet another ill-selected three pointer. All of you need to realize that if Larry Brown was there, there wouldn't have been any of that. He wanted you to play a certain way because it works. You got a championship playing that way. All that freewheeling crap you tried this year, sure it works in the regular season. But you know better than any other team that it doesn't work in the playoffs. And your defense? Atrocious. I hope you all learned your lesson. I also hope there was a fleeting chance that someone in the Pistons organization would read this.
2. Dallas. I remember when this team was setting records for regular season futility. Now, I just got finished watching them play in their first Finals. It's like watching that little half-stupid cousin of yours grow up. You remember that day you saw him with a pot on his head and ramming it into the wall and you thought, "I should probably get used to looking at him through bars." And fast forward to today, when he's 22 years old and picking up his GED, and you think, "I just knew this joker was gonna get shot robbing liquor stores." That's kinda how I feel watching the Mavericks make the Finals. They're the retarded cousin who defied the odds to not be the losers that you expected them to be. But they're still losers.
1. Miami. Not the best team in the NBA, not by far. They defied the odds, too. The new generation of NBA fan said that this kind of team was dead. A team that relies on one or two superstars to carry a team to the championship. A team not unlike Shaq and Kobe or Michael and Scottie. The wave of the future was supposed to be teams that played as a team, and didn't run isolation sets all the time. Especially after that 2002 World Basketball Championships fiasco. Well, the Miami Heat said, "screw that noise, jack...we're riding the Dwyane Wade bandwagon until the wheels fall off. Old school 'till we die." Except that "old school" was actually just 4 years ago. Who would have expected that mess to actually work?
This team will probably make the playoffs just to spite me. I hate Isiah Thomas.
10. Washington. Without Gilbert Arenas, this team would be dead in the water. Sure, they'd flounder around for a little while, like the snake that hasn't realized that his head was cut off. But once they realize that Antawn Jamison and Caron Butler can't do it without the guy who really lives to take the big shots, let the losing streaks roll. Other than that, they're a good team.
9. Memphis. Probably the most boring team in the league. And that's saying something when you've still got San Antonio around. Of course, maybe that's the strategy. For those who remember back that, Mike Fratello was also coaching the Cleveland Cavaliers back when the plan was to purposefully slow the game down to a crawl. They were winning games in the high 70s, boring their fans to sleep and in the process, I believe...their opponents. I believe that could be what's going on here. I'm getting sleepy just writing about them.
8. Cleveland. LeBron James is going to be the best player in the NBA. I'm sure the NBA would love for him to be in New York instead of podunk Cleveland. Other than this, I find no other reason to talk about Cleveland. And Bone sucks.
7. Denver. It must suck to be Carmelo Anthony. First, he's overshadowed by Lebron James from the gate. Then, he's overshadowed by Dwyane Wade. And I personally have jokes about how Darko got a ring before ALL of them. And on top of all of that, he's had a better team around around him from day one. And they continue to underachieve, year after year.
6. New Jersey. Vince Carter, Jason Kidd, Richard Jefferson. You have potentially the most explosive fast break in the league. Why are these dumbasses walking the ball up court and running a half-court offense? Why aren't they the Phoenix Suns done right? You can't run a half court offense when you have no one in the middle! Washington knows this. Seattle knows this. Phoenix knows this. Why can't New Jersey seem to catch on? And where the fuck is Kerry Kittles? Why can't someone pull some strings and bring him back?
5. San Antonio. Some very key truths were realized about this team. One, they need to get that Tim Duncan/free throw situation under control. I mean, my God...Shaq was laughing at you. Two, Tony Parker needs to find a jumpshot. Somewhere. Anywhere. Three, perimeter defense. You have none. Four, speed. Preferably on the perimeter, so your defense can use it. Who exposed all of this? Dallas, the team who has all of that. If Tim Duncan should shoot free throws, he'd be Dirk Nowitzki. If Tony Parker could shoot, he'd be Jason Terry. And they've got Josh Howard defending on the perimeter, not Brent Barry. It's no wonder Dallas went to the Finals.
4. Phoenix. For the last two years, they've gotten closer and closer to shoving the theory that defense wins championships up our asses. I don't think there's anything left to say.
3. Detroit. I wrote this entire two parter because of this team right here. I wanted to vent my frustrations at them and couldn't make it a long enough entry. Detroit, you have let success go to your head. That's why you didn't win. You have fallen into the belief that you are an elite team, and you are not. You thought that you were Shaq's Lakers or Michael's Bulls, that you could turn it on when you needed to. And who's the worst offender of them all? No, not Rasheed Wallace (although he needs to learn that he's unstoppable on the low block and eminently stoppable beyond the arc...guess where he spends most of his time?). Chauncey Billups. Apparently, you have officially bought into your own hype. All this "Mr. Big Shot" stuff went straight to your head, because every chance you got, you were trying to hit yet another ill-selected three pointer. All of you need to realize that if Larry Brown was there, there wouldn't have been any of that. He wanted you to play a certain way because it works. You got a championship playing that way. All that freewheeling crap you tried this year, sure it works in the regular season. But you know better than any other team that it doesn't work in the playoffs. And your defense? Atrocious. I hope you all learned your lesson. I also hope there was a fleeting chance that someone in the Pistons organization would read this.
2. Dallas. I remember when this team was setting records for regular season futility. Now, I just got finished watching them play in their first Finals. It's like watching that little half-stupid cousin of yours grow up. You remember that day you saw him with a pot on his head and ramming it into the wall and you thought, "I should probably get used to looking at him through bars." And fast forward to today, when he's 22 years old and picking up his GED, and you think, "I just knew this joker was gonna get shot robbing liquor stores." That's kinda how I feel watching the Mavericks make the Finals. They're the retarded cousin who defied the odds to not be the losers that you expected them to be. But they're still losers.
1. Miami. Not the best team in the NBA, not by far. They defied the odds, too. The new generation of NBA fan said that this kind of team was dead. A team that relies on one or two superstars to carry a team to the championship. A team not unlike Shaq and Kobe or Michael and Scottie. The wave of the future was supposed to be teams that played as a team, and didn't run isolation sets all the time. Especially after that 2002 World Basketball Championships fiasco. Well, the Miami Heat said, "screw that noise, jack...we're riding the Dwyane Wade bandwagon until the wheels fall off. Old school 'till we die." Except that "old school" was actually just 4 years ago. Who would have expected that mess to actually work?
The 2006 NBA Playoffs
Congratulations to the Miami Heat and their first NBA Championship. Except for Antoine Walker. I really, really, hate Antoine Walker.
But these Finals were among some of the best, I think. Dallas made a believer out of me, toppling the defending champion Spurs. I won't say that the Finals were decided by the refs, but if a couple of calls had gone the other way, Dallas could be holding up that trophy instead of Miami.
There were a ton of shining stars in the playoffs this year, players who rose to the occasion to get their teams into the playoffs and beyond. There were a bunch of great series, probably the most great series overall that Ive ever seen. It seemed like, even in the first round (the best first round, ever), I was telling people, you need to watch this. These are the series, players, moments that if you didnt see, you should be kicking yourself in the ass. So many big shots. So many great performances. So much heart displayed. So many close games. So many game 7s. It really cant get much better than this.
Theres only one moment thats not here, that should be: David Stern having to hand the Larry OBrien trophy to Mark Cuban and pretend to be nice to him. Would have been hours of amusement.
Dwyane Wade. Mispelled name aside, he was the brightest star on the grandest stage in the NBA. If not for this man, Shaq might not have beaten Kobe back to the Finals. So, in your face, Kobe Bryant. And speaking of Kobe, that's where the Michael Jordan comparisons should begin and end. Comparing Wade and Jordan is like comparing battleships and horse racing. Compare Jordan to the guy who completed bit his game, not the guy who plays nothing like him. The only things similar about these guys is the athleticism and the fact that Wade is from Chicago. That's really about it. If, in your eyes, he hasn't stepped out of MJ's shadow as of tonight, you need to just go ahead and gouge those eyes out.
Anyway, the boy is just a cold-blooded assassin and one of the true good guys in this league. He's not out there talking trash, he doesn't play dirty, he's confident, not cocky. He seems to be very respectful of the game and lastly, the boy just can't be stopped. His midrange game is just nasty, plus, he's got AI-type quickness to go with his MJ-like explosiveness. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm older than he is, I would wear this man's jersey proudly.
LeBron James. We saw the emergence of yet another superstar. Once they get someone to play with this guy, you might as well pencil him in for his championship, too. Don't compare him to Michael, either. They don't even play the same goddamn position.
The battles between this man and Wade are going to be some kinda spectacular. The games they had in the regular season were just a teaser for what the playoffs will bring in the future. Like Wade, LeBron James just couldn't be stopped. There was no answer for him. All season long, he carried the city of Cleveland on his back and took it right into the chest of the Detroit Pistons. The game that this man has at 21 years old is just scary, because basketball players don't reach their peak until about 27 or 28. And the poise and confidence he plays with alreadydid anyone else see when he rattled Gilbert Arenas at the free throw line? The last time I saw anyone do what he did to shake a player at the line, it was Charles Barkley, whispering his words of encouragement. That was bold. So, if he's this good NOW...how good will he be at 28? He had NBA level court vision and an NBA physique at 17. I guess by 28, he's just going to be playing with his eyes closed and hovering above the floor at all times.
The Suns/Lakers series. Probably the best series in this year's playoffs, for my money. Which was none. The Lakers were written off from the door, except by people who actually watched the Suns and Lakers play. I wasn't betting against the Lakers and boldly proclaimed that if the first round was still a best of five, the Lakers would take it. And well, I was almost proven right. Phoenix (especially Tim Thomas) foiled the hopes of a city (LA) to have a Hallway series between the Lakers and Clippers in the next round. A seven game series, played entirely in one building. Thanks for screwing that up, Phoenix. But it was a hard fought series between two teams who had achieved more this season than they had any right to. Which brings me to...
Steve Nash. I still don't think he's the MVP, but his passing skills and deadly jump shot, especially at the end of games, make him one of the elite players in this league, defense be damned. For what this team is doing, he doesn't need to be great on defense. He keeps the offense doing what it needs to do. And what it needs to do is trample your ass in the fast break.
Kobe Bryant. All his detractors should be sufficiently shut up. Yeah, he didn't have the best game 7 against the Suns, but he was doing what you all wanted him to do: pass the ball. See, Kobe is damned, no matter what he does. When he scored 81, you said he was hogging the ball. When he was passing to his teammates, you said he wasn't shooting enough. I'm sure I said it, too. But one other thing I said: Kobe Bryant is the best player in the NBA, period. If you don't believe it, you're just a hater, because he's already proven it. Kobe Bryant is the single most unstoppable force in the NBA today. And he plays defense. End of story.
Shaquille O'Neal. He's done. You should have realized this midway through the season. The thing is, it happened around the same time that Dwyane Wade no longer needed him, so he still got a ring, anyway. And he'll be making $20 million a year for four more years. And his wife is a dime. Fuck you, Shaq. I'm so jealous of you that I can't stand it.
Cavaliers/Pistons series. You thought LeBron James was impressive going shot for shot with Gilbert Arenas. To me, he was even more impressive here, taking on the Detroit Pistons. I think he might have found his nemesis. Ironically, its the same nemesis that foiled the championship dreams of the man hes most compared to. Even though theyre no longer allowed to mug people on the court. And LeBron took advantage, pushing Detroit to the brink of elimination, casting aside Rasheed Wallaces victory guarantees, and even beating the once-invincible Pistons at home. This series was filled with twists and turns, starting with Detroit casually blowing out Cleveland in Game 1, to Game 5 ending with Detroit on the ropes, down 2 to 3, to Games 6 and 7, with Cleveland coming close but not being able to deliver the knockout blow. Game 7 ended with reality reasserting itself, but how much longer will Detroit be able to hold down another emerging superstar?
Gilbert Arenas. On a steady quest to prove that he is one of the elite players in the league. Gilbert, I see you. You're easily one of the top three guards, behind only Kobe and Wade. Another player who willed his team into the playoffs, and was possibly on the wrong end of some shady calls. With the heart this man shows in the playoffs (this year and last year), he deserves a better team than the one he's got, I'll tell you that. Can someone get this man some up front help? Brendan Haywood isn't getting it. I don't care if he played at UNC or not. Brendan Haywood is NOT the answer.
Suns/Mavericks series. Normally, I hate games where defense isnt really played, but this was a great series, regardless, and defense was still played at crucial moments. And even though the Suns were outmatched defensively, they still wouldnt die. Steve Nash and Tim Thomas gave Dallas all they could handle.
Dirk Nowitzki. No, he's not Larry Bird. And due to Miami's defense, he didn't look as good in the Finals as he should have. But he was playing in the Finals. And why was he playing in the Finals? Because he got his ass to the Finals. When his team was down late in games, who hit that big shot or grabbed that crucial rebound? It was Dirk Diggler, dammit. And he did it all season, especially when it mattered. Except in Game 6. But I won't hold that against him.
Tim Thomas. An ugly motherfucker. Coming out of college, he was supposed to be a star, with his Scottie Pippen-like repertoire. He never lived up to that potential. When he played for Milwaukee, during the Ray Allen/Glenn Robinson days, he still never managed to step his game up to help that team get over the hump. He bounced around the league, and never seemed to be trying, even though you knew he could be a great player. This is why I hated him. Also, he once hit on my ex-girlfriendback before I met her. I knew there was a reason I didnt like him. At any rate, he finally started stepping his game upand, almost as if you was sticking it to me personally, he did it AFTER he was released by the Bulls. After that, he was just cold blooded. He was the guy who stuck the knife in the Lakers heart. He played big minutes against the Clippers, and almost single-handedly kept the Suns alive against Dallas. Hes good but hes ugly. Dont forget that. Hes an ugly motherfucker. Make-you-mad type ugly.
Ben Gordon. Who? The starting shooting guard for my Beloved Bulls, that's who. Hitting big shot after big shot to carry his overmatched team over the Miami Heat, that's who. I personally appreciated this man's efforts in the playoffs more than any other, because he gave me reason to believe that Miami would go down at the hands (or cloven hooves) of the Chicago Bulls. We are just a few pieces away from seeing the Bulls return to prominence once again. Hopefully, next year, we wont be making a mad dash to make the playoffs again. And hopefully, the hot hand of Ben Gordon will be taking us there.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Fuck you, Kanye West
Fuck You, Kanye West
I know I'm a little behind the times, but I was doing some reading and Kanye West came up and I wound up reading some stuff that he's said in the last few months. I know what's below is kinda all over the place, but I just wrote it as it came to me, no editing or anything. It's just how I feel about Kanye West. I don't like him. At all.
Damn, I can't stand Kanye West. He's to the point where I don't even want to hear him produce anymore. He's a very talented producer, but he's one of those kind of people you don't even want to compliment because you know it's going to go right to his head. I don't care what no one says, though...he's a shitty rapper. But his beats are hot. And that's why his shit sells. The average music fan hasn't changed. The words NEVER matter. It's always the beat. And Kanye is fooling himself if he thinks that his words are starting some sort of revolution. If I'm wrong, then why do Lil Jon and the Yin Yang Twins keep selling? Why didn't 2Pac's Me Against The World sell 8 or 9 million? Fuck Kanye West. It's one thing to be confident or even cocky, when it's funny. But to just be an out and out ass like this guy...I hope someone beats the fuck out of him. And no, his style of dress is not fly. He looks like a retard. And that shit where he says that kids want to learn because he can bring up history in some clever way? That he's an inspirational speaker? Come on, man...you're smelling yourself a bit too much. He's a smart guy, but you ain't no second coming. And that brings me to that shit about him being in the Bible. And I know I ain't no Christian and I have no love for the Bible, but that's just taking it too far. What the fuck has this joker ever done that would warrant him being in a book that has been around for 1700 years? He sold a couple of records? He influenced the weak minded into wearing their collars up or wearing two Polo shirts on top of one another...with the collars up? That's just some temporary stuff. In 10 years, that shit will be looked at like it had Cross Colours written on it. Let me know when you do some real shit. Let me know when you pull someone out of a burning bus or something. Selling records ain't impressing no one, son. Not even in this materialistic society we live in. You're just here for the moment, until the next big thing comes along. And that Bible crack is just being totally disrespectful to an entire sect of people, many of which have supported your half-ass music. You're not a deep rapper, not a witty rapper, you're not the greatest producer ever, you're not anything greater than anyone else around you. I remember when I saw you on Punk'd. Up until that moment, I just wasn't a fan of yours as a rapper, but on there, the world saw the REAL Kanye West. Just acting an ass for no reason. Now, what if that guy was a real guy...just trying to do his job and you're pretending like you're above the law and disrespecting that man. Yeah, it turned out to all be fun and games, but you didn't know that. You were just being a little child, and the people around you are kissing up to you. And to see you run off with that film...good thing they weren't real cops, because they should have shot you in the back. If for no other reason, it's because you run like you're retarded. There's nothing good about you, Kanye West. You've got them stupid ass kids fooled and probably a whole bunch of women (they still buy R. Kelly CDs, too), but I ain't falling for your shit. You can put out Jesus Walks and Gold Digger and distract people from the real you. They'll say, "...but that song is hot!" And I'll call them idiots. Being a loudmouth doesn't make you outspoken. A lot of times, it makes you look like a fool. And you've done that time and time again. The real wise people know when to shut the fuck up. Clearly, you're not one of them. Fuck you, Kanye West.
I know I'm a little behind the times, but I was doing some reading and Kanye West came up and I wound up reading some stuff that he's said in the last few months. I know what's below is kinda all over the place, but I just wrote it as it came to me, no editing or anything. It's just how I feel about Kanye West. I don't like him. At all.
Damn, I can't stand Kanye West. He's to the point where I don't even want to hear him produce anymore. He's a very talented producer, but he's one of those kind of people you don't even want to compliment because you know it's going to go right to his head. I don't care what no one says, though...he's a shitty rapper. But his beats are hot. And that's why his shit sells. The average music fan hasn't changed. The words NEVER matter. It's always the beat. And Kanye is fooling himself if he thinks that his words are starting some sort of revolution. If I'm wrong, then why do Lil Jon and the Yin Yang Twins keep selling? Why didn't 2Pac's Me Against The World sell 8 or 9 million? Fuck Kanye West. It's one thing to be confident or even cocky, when it's funny. But to just be an out and out ass like this guy...I hope someone beats the fuck out of him. And no, his style of dress is not fly. He looks like a retard. And that shit where he says that kids want to learn because he can bring up history in some clever way? That he's an inspirational speaker? Come on, man...you're smelling yourself a bit too much. He's a smart guy, but you ain't no second coming. And that brings me to that shit about him being in the Bible. And I know I ain't no Christian and I have no love for the Bible, but that's just taking it too far. What the fuck has this joker ever done that would warrant him being in a book that has been around for 1700 years? He sold a couple of records? He influenced the weak minded into wearing their collars up or wearing two Polo shirts on top of one another...with the collars up? That's just some temporary stuff. In 10 years, that shit will be looked at like it had Cross Colours written on it. Let me know when you do some real shit. Let me know when you pull someone out of a burning bus or something. Selling records ain't impressing no one, son. Not even in this materialistic society we live in. You're just here for the moment, until the next big thing comes along. And that Bible crack is just being totally disrespectful to an entire sect of people, many of which have supported your half-ass music. You're not a deep rapper, not a witty rapper, you're not the greatest producer ever, you're not anything greater than anyone else around you. I remember when I saw you on Punk'd. Up until that moment, I just wasn't a fan of yours as a rapper, but on there, the world saw the REAL Kanye West. Just acting an ass for no reason. Now, what if that guy was a real guy...just trying to do his job and you're pretending like you're above the law and disrespecting that man. Yeah, it turned out to all be fun and games, but you didn't know that. You were just being a little child, and the people around you are kissing up to you. And to see you run off with that film...good thing they weren't real cops, because they should have shot you in the back. If for no other reason, it's because you run like you're retarded. There's nothing good about you, Kanye West. You've got them stupid ass kids fooled and probably a whole bunch of women (they still buy R. Kelly CDs, too), but I ain't falling for your shit. You can put out Jesus Walks and Gold Digger and distract people from the real you. They'll say, "...but that song is hot!" And I'll call them idiots. Being a loudmouth doesn't make you outspoken. A lot of times, it makes you look like a fool. And you've done that time and time again. The real wise people know when to shut the fuck up. Clearly, you're not one of them. Fuck you, Kanye West.
The Return of D-Generation X
They say you can't catch lightning in a bottle. Or is it lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place? Or even, you can grease a monkey like a bolt of lightning, but it's still gonna singe your nose hairs. I don't know what I just said, but I know this: They should have just left D-Generation X in our memories.
Two 40 year old men cannot be D-Generation X. You can't be edgy AND responsible at the same time. Or maybe you can. I don't know because I'm not responsible. But I do know that these two men can't do it.
A Christian can't be a degenerate at the same time. Well, except for heads of churches. They manage to work in being adulterers and child molesters. But when you're supposed to be working on being the best Christian you can be, you can't go around flashing your ass and playing strip poker on live TV. Well, you could, but people would call you a hypocrite and you might possibly get struck down. Apparently, God doesn't like dick jokes.
Which brings up a completely different issue: Christianity is ruining everything. Yes, I said it. Sure, Shawn Michaels has turned his life around when he was saved. But with that also went his balls. Well, his anger and arrogance went, too...but mostly his balls. And when you've lost your balls, you've lost your edge. That's how Eddie Murphy gets stuck making movies like Pluto Nash. No balls. The difference is, God didn't take Eddie's balls: his wife did, so there's still hope for him, because they still could split up. But God has Shawn Michaels' balls. And there's no coming back from that. Not without a drug habit, anyway.
What God has indirectly done (well, what God's followers have done, through clever brainwashing) is ruin one of the great comedic minds in wrestling. He also got Vince Russo, too, because a sign that says "I'd Rather Be In Chyna" has Vince Russo written all over it. What is it about Christianity that effectively neuters all comedy? Why can't they be "liberal" Christians like Chris Jericho? Chris Jericho can call a man a jackass on PPV Sunday, because he was in church earlier that day. Well, I'm assuming. He might not have had time because he had ring rats to kick out of his hotel room. But the point is, he can praise God AND lower his morals at work. Porn stars and rappers do it all the time. R. Kelly was fucking children on tape and he's pretty sure he's still going to Heaven. So if The R-uh can get in after urinating on adolescents and bragging about making off with people's children (what do you think "The Pied Piper" was all about?), then Shawn Michaels giving crotch chops shouldn't be a big deal.
Sure, he's saved his eternal soul, but he's ruining his Q rating. That's a pretty big deal in today's America.
And then there's Triple H. He's a pretty funny guy. He has his moments. But nothing screams "Blue Oyster" like Triple H's handlebar mustache. Especially when you're wearing a cut off t-shirt and your pants are around your ankles. Fabulous!
Triple H...Motorhead is not cool. Shave that shit off. Shawn...don't let him get Motorhead to remix the DX theme. It WILL suck. You're better off getting Kirk Franklin to do it. Except if you do, I WILL kill you. I hate Kirk Franklin. I do not want him in my life. Ever.
Anyway, that's what's wrong with THIS version of DX. It isn't cool. In the 90s, there were three things that epitomized cool in wrestling. The Outsiders, The Rock, and DX. And 50f the Outsiders are now perpetually drunk, The Rock is too rich to care, and that just leaves us with DX. And being a born again Christian is pretty much the anti-cool. Nothing ruins a good time like someone bringing up religion. I know this because Alex and I once were drunk and walking through the streets when we were stopped by Herman's dad who wanted to talk to us about Jesus. There was nothing left to do but sober up and go home. Didn't even want to go to that party down by the pier. We might have gotten some morality on it and ruined the whole thing.
Something else that's the anti-cool...marriage. Which both of these guys are into now. Responsibility...and, of course...that goddamn handlebar mustache. I can't say enough about it. Why don't you just wear a police outfit AND leather, ass-less chaps?
Plus, Triple H isn't always funny on his own. He played well off of Shawn Michaels back in 97. Except Shawn Michaels isn't allowed to go into the gutter anymore. And for that, I blame his wife. Because if Shawn Michaels wasn't married, he would have brushed this religion thing off as soon as he started hanging out with Kevin Nash again. Ironic part is...Kevin Nash was the one who introduced him to his wife...who was one of the Nitro Girls...and I think, a stripper. You got converted to Christianity by a stripper. If that doesn't make your religion a sham, I don't know what does.
Shawn, you can put this religion gimmick to the side for right now. It's okay. That's why they added that loophole to the deal. It's call "repentance." It's how murderers and rapists beat the system! Just put the Bible down for six months and come back to it later! God will forgive you! Trust me!
Well...don't trust me. I'm a heathen. In fact, don't listen to me at all. I'm on the expressway to Hell. My seat is already reserved. I'll be spending eternity strapped to a chair in front of a TV watching the fourth season of the Real World. And the only commercials will be for the "Guys Gone Wild" videos.
Basically, it was cool to tease us with it, because they didn't have to follow up on anything. But since they've gone full steam ahead, they're being exposed. And by "they" I mean, the writers backstage. They weren't even creative enough to steal from the old DX stuff. Instead, they stole from "You Can't Do That on Television." The next Nickelodeon show I expect them to steal from: That's So Raven. You'll know it when they start going "Oh, snap!"
Saturday, June 17, 2006
I watched the World Cup and my remote wasn't broken
Hm...soccer is actually very entertaining. Who knew? I mean, except for the rest of the world.
I spent the early part of my Saturday watching the World Cup and, no, I wasn't being forced at gunpoint. And I actually found myself getting into it. Ghana was playing the Czech Republic and the way I was acting, you'd think have thought my Beloved Bulls were on TV. Obviously, I was pulling for Ghana. Us black folks gotta stick together.
But, Thad....why's it gotta be a racial thing? Well, lemme tell you. For one, I'm not a fan of soccer. Being an American, the only football we know about is the one were you can hit people in the chest at full tilt for daring to run across the middle of the field (I heart Brian Dawkins). So I needed a hook. And basically, anytime black folks overall can have something they can be proud of, it's a good thing. I mean, we can only brag about Michael Jordan and Jay-Z for so long. They're both retired. Eventually, the luster wears off.
And it's a sport that's not really represented too much by us on the world stage. I mean, you could argue for Caribbean countries or Brazil or something like that, but it's not like they really identify with us a whole lot. Cubans flat out insist that they're not black, even though some of them have kinkier hair than I do. So for an African nation to have a good showing in the World Cup, it makes me proud, even knowing some of the stuff I've said about Africa over the years. Because when I look at the TV and see a black face just like mine whooping ass on the world stage...none of that stuff matters anymore. I don't know what it was. I just know that while I was watching that game, I felt a connection with that team from Ghana and I wanted them to win. And it wasn't even the haze from having just woken up that made me feel that way.
It made me proud, as a black man. That's what it all boils down to.
Ahem...but anyway, back to soccer. While I was watching, I began to see why people love this game so much. Man, if you're a basketball fan, you should be able to get into soccer. At least watching the best teams play. It's like watching the best basketball offenses run. If Phoenix actually attempted defense, they could be a soccer team.
I was surprised at how similar it was to basketball. Rotating the ball, clogging the lane, trapping, isolation plays, fancy dribbling, crossovers, alley-oops...it's all there. And then every time the teams finally work the ball inside to get close to the net, it's like a close basketball game with 10 seconds left everytime. So, world, I finally see the appeal. It really is a beautiful game. I still don't understand why killing your teams when they lose is still such a big part of the game, though. I'll just assume that it's a cultural thing that gets lost in translation.
And with so much national pride on the line, it's hard to not get caught up in games like these. When watching the US play against Italy, I was just swelling up with pride. I actually got goosebumps hearing the Americans in the stadium sing the national anthem. I sang along at the end. Yeah, I know. And again, I've talked a lot of shit over the years. And again, none of that mattered at that moment. Those 11 players on the field were representing us. All of US. Even Marcus Beasley, who was pissing me off for STILL not playing that hard. I tell you, if we were in the business of attacking our soccer players, he would be at the top of the list. And while no one will probably know what I'm talking about, those who watched UConn the last couple of years will understand this: Marcus Beasley was giving a Rudy Gay-like performance out there.
But just the fact that he made me angry says a lot. Between watching Ghana and the US play, I just thought about a lot. And I never thought a soccer game would make me think so hard about a lot of things.
With Ghana, I just felt an unity with Africa that I haven't felt in a long, long, time. Hell, I've probably never felt it. I mean, I don't know those people. They sold my ancestors into slavery, for all I know. I was born in Columbus, MS, not Columbus, Africa. But for once, I felt a pull to that continent, so far away. If only for a little while.
With the US, I love my country, don't get me wrong, but a lot of the things it does really piss me off. But that doesn't make me any less patriotic. I liken it to a family member or a friend who's lost their way. You might criticize what they do, but that doesn't make you love them any less. They're still your friend. They're still your family. And because you love them, you criticize them, because you want them to get better. That's how I feel about America. Basically, I want it to fuckin' act right.
Yes, I promise you...two soccer games made me think about all this. I didn't plan it and I don't know why it happened, but it did. But for a day, I was a soccer fan. I probably won't keep watching it, and I probably won't start checking to see who else is in it (I heard Angola was in it, too), but to the African teams that are in it, good luck and kick ass for all of your people over here, too. We're proud of you and if we're not, then we should be. To the US team, we ARE proud of you for not backing down to Italy, one of the best teams iin the world, and doing it with only 9 players for most of the game.
Hell, some people might wonder why we should be happy with a tie. If you had watched the game, you wouldn't be wondering that. Go USA!
Friday, June 16, 2006
Revisiting the OJ Trial
Reading the Sports Guy today at ESPN got me thinking about this...
I was sitting there watching the Knicks and Rockets in the Finals when it came up on screen.
OJ and AC were riding in a white Bronco down the freeway followed by a ton of cops. Aw, shit...they're gonna shoot the shit out of these two.
By this point, everyone knew about OJ being suspected of killing his wife, Nicole Brown-Simpson. Everyone knew about all the evidence that was found and how it all pointed to him. Personally, I didn't think a man could be so stupid.
But no one could have expected OJ on the run. "The Juice Is Loose" was the catchphrase of the day. OJ's lawyer was on TV begging him to turn himself in. All up and down the freeway, there were people in cars trying to catch a glimpse on what was supposed to be OJ in the back of the Bronco, holding a gun and getting ready to off himself. Streets on the expected pathway back to OJs home were lined with people who were holding signs and cheering OJ on. I guess they wanted what we all secretly wanted and didn't want at the same time: for OJ to do the deed on live TV. It was the ultimate reality TV at a time before "reality TV" became a worldwide phenomenon.
And this was only the beginning. In addition to interrupting, to be honest, the most boring Finals series I've ever seen, and playing right into the hands of this emerging voyeuristic culture of ours, the "Trial of the Century" was about to start.
Every decision involving this case was big news. But the most important was that they'd show it on TV. The obsessive fires that started that day on the freeway would continue throughout the next year every day. It was the greatest boring TV ever shown. Yet, people were glued to their sets to see what would happen next.
Along the way, America was divided once again. It wasn't that long ago that we all saw Rodney King or heard about Malice Green. At that time, black people didn't trust the police and with good reason. Racial tensions were still pretty high. It might not have seemed that way in certain areas, but in the eyes of black people,young black men especially, getting beat down by the police was still a very real possibility and we were all afraid.
And the division between white and black fell ever so distintly: did he or didn't he do it? At Biloxi High School in Mississippi, there was no doubt amongst white people. He did it. End of story. Amongst black people, he didn't do it. Or maybe he did. We weren't so sure. The thing was, it didn't really matter to us if he did it. Would he get off was the question.
And everyone had a conspiracy theory. OJ didn't do it, and Nicole was killed by people who OJ owed money to. OJ did it, but he planted everything like that on purpose. OJ did it, but he's stupid. My theory was that OJ didn't do it, but he knew who did. Everyone had an explanation for why OJ did what he did and when he did it. Why, clearly he was out of town meeting with the people who killed Nicole. They called him out there. Duh.
We all became familiar with the lawyers involved. Marcia Clark became an instant celebrity. She was kinda rough looking at first, but after the trial was over, she was on celebrity pages, all dressed up and made up. She almost looked attractive. Almost. And of course, Johnny Cochran. For those who didn't know Johnny Cochran, we were in for a show. For those who knew him, we knew what to expect. And he didn't let any of us down.
"If the gloves don't fit, you must acquit."
It was a notion so simple, yet so ridiculous that to this day, no one can believe it worked. Wasn't his blood IN the gloves? What does it matter if the gloves fit or not? And of course they didn't fit. He was wearing rubber gloves inside of a glove that shrunk during testing. And that simple rhyme became Johnny Cochran's catchphrase and what he was known for until the day he died. And that bit of freestyling became what he was known for. Everyone forgot about how the prosecution and the LAPD blew it months before. And there was that whole Mark Furman fiasco. Here in Atlanta, a couple of years ago, Johnnie Cochran was featured in commercials and all his dialogue rhymed. It was almost embarrassing, because after all that happened, THIS was the lasting legacy of the OJ trial.
And what of the verdict? One of the most tense moments of my young life. One of those "Where were you?" moments. The last one I can readily think of before this was when the Challenger exploded. Yes, it was that big. I was in high school, in Ms. Hayden's Spanish class and the school actually stopped teaching so we could all listen to the verdict on the radio. You'd think that we actually knew the guy who was on trial or one of the murder victims.
And well...we all know what happened. And white people in the school were MAD. Of course, we were acting like black folks just got freed from slavery. What really happened, though? In a colorblind world, a clearly guilty man got off from a double murder. But we don't live in a colorblind world. And to us, one of US just got away with doing what white folks had been doing to us for years. Like I said, it didn't really matter if he did it or not. We got off. It was almost like all of Black America got off. For once.
It took me years for me to figure out why I was so happy that OJ got off. I still haven't truly admitted to myself that he did it. All I ever say is, he knows who did. That's as close to admitting his guilt that I can ever get.
And what happened to OJ after this? Well, he got sued again and lost to the Brown-Goldman Family Alliance for civil damages. He's still paying them money that he doesn't have. He lives in Florida, living off of his NFL retirement check. No more commercials, no more movies. Just OJ...playing golf and pissing off white people at the sight of this...criminal walking freely in the streets.
Of course, there were book deals aplenty to be had, and everyone took advantage of them. Johnnie Cochran became a household name and even Michael Jackson went running to his side at one point. Everyone knew that this was the man who could pull some BS out of his ass at the slightest provocation.
What did we all learn from the OJ trial? Well, I don't know about anyone else, but black folks learned that no matter how bad they screw up, they too, can get off of with the right mix of lawyers and BS to distract the jury. I still don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
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