I didn't want to do this, but I've been tagged

The first player of this game starts with the "6 weird/things/habits about yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a blog of their 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end you need to choose the 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1.) I engage in vigorous masturbation at the most inopportune of times. The legend began when I was in high school and I was sitting in the back of Ms. Clark's World History class when I suddenly decided to get my stroke on. The odd thing isn't that I masturbate publicly, but instead that I fantasize about dancing Transformers and G.I. Joes fighting against the characters from cereal boxes when I do it.

2.) I collect things I pull off of my body. Be it something that came out of my nose, a scab from the top of my head, or something I found on my lower back, I keep a Thom McAnn shoe box in my nightstand that contains all of these wonders of nature and body expulsion. Yellow and brown toenail clippings are an old favorite. They have a cheesy smell about them.

3.) My dream job is to collect the semen of animals for artificial insemination. Not for any sort of benign purpose, mind you. No, just because I like to see the looks on the faces of farmers or pet owners when all of a sudden, their animals are popping out kids with no rhyme or reason. It's not like it's hard to keep track of a 2,000 animal, so I'm sure you'd know when it was riding the backside of another one.

4.) I love women who have prison tattoos, gold teeth, bullet and stab wounds, and of course, multicolored weave. Nothing screams class and culture like a woman who had blue and lime green weave intertwined in a braid down the center of her back. And when she turns around and reveals her name (Bunquisha), spelled out in her gold fronts, it's the kind of vision that makes me want to propose to her on the spot and give her one more kid to go with the four that she has already. Normally, I'd want more kids, but I don't want to mess up the motif she's already got going: each kid has a different baby daddy.

5.) I was once arrested for trespassing in a cow patch. They only chose to write it up as trespassing because they weren't really sure how to describe the real crime that I was committing: sexually violating bovine fecal matter from the night before. None of the police wanted me in their car, either, so they called in the helicopter, tied me to the bottom and flew me in. I'm sure you saw it on the news. And don't knock it until you've tried it, because you don't know pleasure until you've rolled around in a pile of cold cow feces. Naked.

6.) I personally believe that I need to get rapped in the head with a meat tenderizer about 10 to 15 times for even writing this thing. I probably do have some weird habits or stories to tell, but the only weird habit that comes to mind is the need to write stuff like this. I am unable to take most questions seriously when they are forwarded to me in some form or fashion. I would simply like to thank you for allowing me to flex my imagination a little for the last 15 minutes. You should be worried because I really did write this on the fly, with no forethought whatsoever. The questions you should be asking right now are, "Since he wrote this so quickly, how much of it is actually true," and "Do I really want to continue to have any sort of relationship with this human being?" Oh, and "I wonder how much trouble it would be to get a restraining order." Have a nice day.

Now...having done that, the next people i plan on cursing with this are Milkdud, of course, Alex, Jenny, Karina, Tim, annnnnnnd...Jimesa. Enjoy, as I have. Just know that you're supposed to take this seriously, but since I really don't have much in the way of good sense, I cannot.

The New Nintendo Is Called What?

Nintendo has revealed the name of it's new system, and it is BAD.

Their wireless, motion-detecting, wi-fi enabled system, codenamed "Revolution," has been officially saddled with the worst name since the car was originally called "chocolate motor seat thingy." They officially changed it in 1913, when people started hurling bricks at it in protest.

Anyway, what is potentially the most amazing and imaginative video game system to date is going to start it's uphill battle with the company that created it, because they named it "Wii." Go ahead and rub your eyes, because I'm sure you think you're not processing it properly.

If that wasn't stupid enough, it's pronounced "we." Then, they had to go into explaining the deepness of the name they cursed their plastic box and most passionate fans with. I'm not going to recap any of that here, because I figure if you have to do that much explaining, either you did something wrong or the joke's just not funny. Really, Nintendo would have been better of just passing this one off as a joke, because the response to this is about as positive as the response to strawberry flavored Dran-O or the real-life invisible jet. Well, plastic surgeons and head doctors made a killing off that last one.

What's wrong with the name? Well, for one, it's not a noun or an adjective. And according to my spellcheck, it's not even a word. That means they could have called it "Spladow" or "The Double McRibwich with cheese" and it would have had the same effect. And if they ever name anything "Spladow," I'm pretty sure it would have chrome spinners and a spoiler on it.

Or...what was wrong with naming it "Revolution?" Well, apparently, the Japanese have a problem saying the word, and they figure that since they invented it, they should be able to shore in the joy of calling it by it's given name like everyone else. I think that's just really selfish, because no one told them they had to have a language where certain basic syllables were rendered impossible to pronounce by their abnormal, sideways tongues.

Also, they've pretty much just removed any chance of Nintendo fanboys getting any kind of respect from their friends for having one. Well, they were going to get a limited amount anyway, just because they're playing video games to begin with, and none of that is coming from females. If you find one who will give you respect, club her in the head and hide her in the basement. It's a safe bet to assume that she's suffering from head injuries, probably from other dorks clubbing her in the head to earn her affections. That's probably why she respects guys who play video games.

Also, black people just aren't going to buy this thing, and they will loudly clown anyone who does. It couldn't be any less cool if you painted it pink and lime green stripes and it wore an ill-fitting wrestling shirt. And seeing as how this thing doesn't have an iced-out grill or a track by Lil' Jon to combat it's inherent uncoolness, the African-American community is going to take a collective pass on this one. Probably the Latino community, too.

Nintendo, you done messed up this time. Listen, I've been a supporter of Nintendo since the beginning. I defended the kiddie image, the cartridge standard on the Nintendo 64, the fact that it was called the Nintendo 64 at all, the lack of good sports games on the SNES, the Gamecube's design (it looks like something you'd find at Rave or Foxmoor)...but this one...I can't defend this one. Nintendo, it's just a stupid fucking name. Plain and simple. The only reason you released this information now, instead of at E3 is because you KNOW you have to play damage control and you want to get it out of the way. Only this time, it's not going to work. A name this bad is going to turn off people from trying it or buying it. Sure we'll get used to it, but that doesn't mean we'll like it.

Oh, and the name's not gonna stick. After all the perverted joke phase passes, it's going to just be called "the new Nintendo." No one who favors his manhood is going to call it "Wii." Unless they're mocking it, of course.

The Five Most Hateable Basketball Teams Ever

First, special shout out to that kid who threw the bat at the umpire. Thank you for giving me probably the funniest sports moment since Jermaine ONeal jammed his fist right into some fat slobs face just before he fell on his ass. Yall cant tell me that shit wasnt funny. I know its wrong, but its funny. Fuckin funny.

Now, there are some sports teams that everyone just seems to hate. Usually, its an isolated thing, where one city is pretty hostile towards a certain team. For instance, its a given that when the Cowboys go to Philadelphia, the crowd is going to be EXTRA hostile. Then there are those teams who seem to be hated, no matter where they go. In basketball, its the following five teams. And according to the spell checker, theyre hated so much that Ive made up a new word to describe the level of vitriol thrown their way. Of course, it might just be the five teams that I hate the most. Anyway, the five most hateable teams ever.

5. Reggie Miller's Indiana Pacers

This was a pretty well respected team, overall. They played hard, they played fairly clean, yet physical when they needed to. Yet, most people couldnt name more than one player on this team. If I were to say "Rik Smits" or "Haywood Workman," most people would stare at me blankly. But when I say "Reggie Miller," peoples' expressions change because they start remembering that time where he cut their teams heart out and pissed on it at center court. And because Reggie Miller IS the Pacers, the rest of the team is hateable by default. Hes not as entertaining as everyone elses favorite player. He doesnt have those fancy passes or monster dunks. All he does he shoot threes from anywhere on the court and make themat the wrongdamntimes. Usually, during a close game with 5 minutes or less on the clock in the 4th quarter. Or hell find a way to get on the line even though he was the one who fouled the one who was whistled. Or hell talk more trash than anyone else on the courtthen go out and back it all up. And when hes beaten you, hell rub it in. This guys body should have been found in a dumpster somewhere.

4. Patrick Ewing's New York Knicks

Thugs. Thats all this team was. Just a bunch of hoodlums and thugs. The roster over the years reads like a lineup of players who would look more at ease on America's Most Wanted. Xavier McDaniel. Charles Oakley. John Starks. Anthony Mason. A team of niggas who played and acted like niggas. And they were the perfect nemesis to the most beloved player on the planet: Michael Jordan. Combine that with their physical style (they secretly believed they were all linebackers and safeties) and their freakish and bestial leader, Patrick Ewing, who looked like he should be swinging from the trees. Its easy to see why people hated the Knicks. They were beating the crap out of Jordan multiple times a year and when the playoffs came, it only got worse. Jumping up and down on peoples rib cages or dropkicking people in the face. They did it all. Mostly to the Chicago Bulls.

3. Duke University

This team just always tends to have a player whos hateable. Christian Laettner. Steve Wojciechowski. Bobby Hurley. J.J. Redick. Guys who look like they shouldn't be able to play. They either look like that guy who made the high school team because he was tall (at my school, his name was Jason Teeter), or that short white kid who always gets trapped in the backcourt during 21 and is forced to throw up a prayer every time. Basically, they all look like guys who have no business being on a basketball court. But they win. They always win. They go on the road to whatever you school you like and beat the crap out of them. Their coach makes faces like last night's gerbil is still making moves, roundabout his colonic area. Thing is, most people can't explain why they dont like this team, unless they're UNC fans. They just attract hatred. I mean, look at them.

2. Detroit Pistons

The Original Bad Boys. What can I say about this team that hasnt been said about Dick Cheney? The thing that put this team above the Knicks is that they beat up more teams. The Knicks were only really known for being physical with the Bulls, while the Pistons abused the Bulls, the Celtics, the Sixers, the Lakers...treated them like prison bitches, they did. Theres at least one player on every team who was elbowed in the face by Bill Laimbeer or suplexed by Rick Mahorn. I swear, they even hit some people with steel chairs, but that got swept under the rug. This team was so dirty that Dennis Rodman was overshadowed until he got away from Detroit. Fights were a pretty common occurrence during their games, because they spent so much time trying to introduce elements of hockey and UFC into basketball, and the thing that pissed people off more than anything is that they tended to get away with it. Bulls fans know first hand. They beat up Scottie Pippen so bad, he was forced to become a man.

1. Larry Bird's Boston Celtics

This team is number one for one simple reason...we are all haters. This is probably the only team in the modern era thats hated down racial lines, as far as I know. Every kid I knew in the 80s hated the Celtics and we didn't even know why. The thing was, it was a white team beating black teams and we DID NOT like it. I know Robert Parish, Dennis Johnson, KC Jones and ML Carr were all black. I know. But the stars of the team, Larry Bird and Kevin HcHale, were white. Danny Ainge, one of the most hateable players of all time, was white. Bill Walton, the most overrated center of all time, was white. So youve got a white team playing in the most Irish city in America and beating black men at a game that was viewed as a BLACK game. We had to watch all of our heroes fall to this team, whether it was Magic, Michael, Doc, Nique, or Isiah, and it was PAINFUL to see. Watching Doc jab Bird in his face repeatedly kinda makes up for it, though. Its a wonder there werent more fights than there were. Watching Larry Bird drop 40 on you when he has no physical advantage over anyone on the court is kinda hard to take.

How To Build An NBA Team

It can't be that hard, becaue Isiah Thomas claims to be able to do it.

1. Determine what your plans for the team are.

If your plans are to run the team into the ground, like Isiah, let your fans know up front, so they don't waste money on jerseys and season tickets. No one likes being surprised like that when they have money invested and that's time that they could spend waiting for you in the parking lot instead of throwing batteries at you from the mezzanine.

2. Take stock of what you have currently. Be honest.

Listen, some players are just never going to be stars. Some players are never going to be productive. Players like Brian Scalabrine or Benoit Benjamin. So if you have players like this on your team, just go ahead and mark them to be traded. It doesn't matter how hard they work in practice or how good their soundbites are for the reporters. It doesn't matter if they had a good stretch in the playoffs or is dominant against your rival's best player. Sometimes, you've just got a garbage player and it's better for all involved to just go ahead and make a clean break. Lucky for you, there's GMs like Isiah Thomas around who's take these players off your hands and give you more than you probably deserved in return.

3. Be realistic about your draft picks and free agent signings.

On draft day, the first thing you should do is look at your current record. If you have less than 35 wins, then you need to go ahead and draft a player who can produce right now. Your fan base isn't going to wait around three or four years for a player to blossom. Hell, that's time they could be planning that ambush out back. If you have more than 50 wins, you could draft Master P and it wouldn't really matter. When you have that many wins, your draft pick is probably going to get released anyway, unless you got over on a less intelligent GM, like Isiah. I expect the Bulls to do exactly this in the coming draft.

As far as free agents go, understand that you're not going to sign a big name if your team is garbage. I don't care how much the Hawks were under the cap, Kobe Bryant was NOT leaving L.A. for Atlanta. You have to understand that you have to give them a reason to come and if they only thing you can offer them is to make their total career losses more than their wins or to play home games in virtual silence, you're not really in good shape.

4. Draft and sign players intelligently. Refer to numbers 1 and 2 at all times.

If you have a pretty decent point guard, but your starting power forward weighs about 200 pounds and couldn't make a basket if he had both arms in it, you might want to start there. If you have a starting guard who's defense is so bad that his matchup scores less points in the shootaround than he does against your guy, you might want to start there.

Exceptions to this rule are when the best available player in the draft drop into your lap. Although it's understood why Portland drafted Sam Bowie instead of Michael Jordan, draft him anyway. At best, you've got the greatest backcourt ever and at worst, you've got some really good trade bait in Clyde Drexler.

Atlanta fell into this trap in last year's draft by taking Marvin Williams over Chris Paul. Instead of drafting a player who could play NOW, they got a player who they had to wait on. Combine that with an already clogged front court and you could almost hear the 30 or so Hawks fans left slapping themselves on the forehead.

5. Don't sign players you already have. Sign according to your needs. Don't overpay.

You shouldn't have to tell someone this up front, but when your name is Isiah Thomas, you just can't be told enough.

NBA players aren't entirely stupid. If you see a player who's been a lazy slob for four years, occasionally showing flashes of decency, and suddenly, in a contract year, he becomes and unstoppable monster, you still don't want to sign Jerome James or Eddy Curry. At least not to a contract worth tens of millions of dollars.

Let someone else overpay and be the fool! It doesn't have to be you all the time! Besides, you'll have a chance to screw this one up in the draft when you take the high school 7-footer who's never played against anyone taller than 6'9".

Also, if you have a superstar player, you might not want to sign another superstar playing the exact same position to play along side him. It won't work out well. At best, you're going to simply have some exciting news headlines when those two players fight in the lockerroom.

6. Before signing a player, look at the amounts of other offers he's getting. Adjust accordingly.

This one's pretty simple. If a free-agent is available and the highest offer he's getting is for $3.5 million for 5 years, what sense does it make to pay him $7 million for 6 years? Screw what he wants...he'll take what the market will give him. This way, you won't get fleeced like the Knicks did in the Allan Houston deal. Although it was before Isiah, it was equally as stupid. Then-GM, Scott Layden was the pre-Isiah, and shackled their signing power with this one deal, worth over $100 million for a good 7 years. One good knee injury later and the Knicks are still trying to dig out of a hole that Isiah Thomas seems intent on making deeper.

7. Before pulling the trigger on any deal, consult your coach. Consider the feelings of your fans.

If your coach tells you that you need a backup point guard, don't oblige him by trading your starting one. Now, you just have a backup who starts by default and you look like a fool. Not to mention a victim, in the eyes of those diehard fans waiting outside the stadium.

I feel that by following these simple rules, you could be able to at least put a competitive team on the floor and keep the fans from throwing rocks at your car when you pull into the arena. Should you choose to ignore this, just know that security can't catch ALL of the vandals. And the ones who are left still think you deserve it.

How To Fix Your Fucked Up Team

There are 14 NBA teams that are sitting at home and watching the actual good teams (except for that pretender Indiana...how the hell do they win?) play in the playoffs. Some of these teams have been pretty bad for a while, and while some of them seem to finally be heading the right direction (Atlanta...trust me, I'm not a loon...I just actually watch their games), some of them don't seem to have a clue what direction they should be heading in (Philly, Minnesota, Boston, New York). Since a lot of their GMs seem to be as smart as people who send money to TV evangelists or still watch BET regularly, I thought I'd give them a little help, or at the very least, tell them why their team is sitting at home right now.

New York: Oh, yeah. I had to start here. This team is so bad at this point, you're probably just better off firing everybody. Isiah, LB, the players, the owner, the YES Network, everybody. How did it get this bad? Actually, it was bad three years ago. How did it get this worse?

As a Bulls fan, I actually take some joy out of watching my hated rivals suffer, but it's past the point of incompetence now. It's not even funny anymore. As far as moves that need to be made, the only way this team can be fixed is through time travel. You have to travel back to about...1997 or so and stop the Knicks for signing Allan Houston to that $100 million deal. That was the beginning of the end, right there. Somehow, I believe that if not for that, none of the other stupid moves would have been made, including hiring Isiah as GM.

Philadelphia: It's time to show Billy King the door. It was time to show him the door years ago, when he showed the world he had no idea how to put a team around Allen Iverson. People always knock Iverson, but when has he ever had another good player on his team? He once had a young Jerry Stackhouse, who should have still been at UNC and an old Chris Webber, who's too little, too late. Other than that, he's had to carry the Sixers by himself. People say that Iverson couldn't share the court with another superstar player, but anyone who was watching Iverson play in international games (if they were actually facing the TV) could see that he would pass the ball if he had someone to pass to. And personally, I wouldn't have hired Maurice Cheeks as coach, because I see him as a soft coach. If he wasn't, he would have run the Sixers offense through Webber instead of Iverson. So that's someone else who should be shown the door, but all this talk of trading Iverson is the talk of a crazy person.

Boston: I would never listen to Danny Ainge about anything, ever. For those who don't remember the 80s, Danny Ainge was a little while guy, about the size of Michael J. Fox, who would run around and make everyone on the opposing team (and in the stands...or at home, watching TV) grab him by the scruff of his neck and kick him in the jimmy. Just an all-around, irritating person. Nowadays, he's running the Celtics and can't seem to decide if he wants to go with young players or build around Paul Pierce. He's pretty much doing the same thing as Billy King in Philly or Kevin McHale in Minnesota: waffling. They all know that they've got a big-time superstar on their rosters and they have no idea how to build around them. So, they rely on the draft, hoping to luck up and get the next big thing, only their superstars are too good to let the season be a total disaster. They wind up getting mid to late round draft picks, because the team isn't good enough to make the playoffs, yet it's not bad enough to get a high pick. So, they're stuck drafting high school players or unknowns because all the superstars are already gone. That only leaves one thing: stupid or pointless trades. And Mr. Ainge, along with Mr. McHale, perpetrated the most pointless trade this season by exchanging Ricky Davis for Wally Szczerbiak. It's not a trade that makes you mad or makes you laugh, it's a trade that makes you stare at the sports ticker and wonder why, because you can't imagine how this trade is going to make either team better. If you can't pick a side that's getting the better end of the deal, then you, my friend, have a pointless trade.

Minnesota: Kevin McHale has had a decade to get Kevin Garnett deep into the playoffs and has failed miserably every time. Now, for those first 7 years, KG defied Satan McHale's odds and willed them in, anyway, and in the 8th, it looked like McHale finally learned how to assemble a team. That team made the Western Conference finals. Then, they refused to resign Sam Cassell (who, in retrospect, they should have paid) and Latrell Sprewell (one of the three stupidest players of 2005) for the money they were asking and instead of trading them in the 9th season, they just let them hang around and make that the worst season for KG since he got in the league. At least, until this season. This one's the worst now.

I don't see how hard it is to build a team around a dominant post player. The Spurs have been doing it for almost 20 years. Orlando is doing it now. The Lakers do it every five years, almost by accident. Why can't Kevin McHale do it now? I do it all the time, just sitting in the bathroom. You've already got the dominant center/power forward. That was the hard part. Next step? Get a good point guard. They had one in Terrell Brandon, but when he retired, I guess they just gave up, because they haven't had another good one since. Then, get a defensive minded guard or forward. After that, everything else just falls into place.

Golden State: Hire a coach who has balls. Huge balls. Like the ones Billy King swore he had when he said Iverson and Webber were going to act right. See, a coach who's groinally endowed isn't going to take any crap from players like Baron Davis. Davis needs someone to put a boot to his ass and tell him things like "Baron, pass the ball. It's not going anywhere. You'll get it back eventually." or "No, Baron, you don't have to score ALL the points. You have teammates who can do that." He needs teammates who will say to him, "Baron, you need to stop acting like a lil' bitch." Therefore, he needs to get traded to Miami, because Pat Riley or Shaquille O'Neal ain't having it.

Portland: Stop drafting high school players, you stupid motherfuckers. You need to win NOW, not in four years when these players will actually be good. Your owner's about to sell the team because he's losing money hand over fist. Darius Miles and Zach Randolph are NOT the guys who are going to keep things steady until the cavalry arrives.

All the other teams seem to be moving in the right direction or have recently made a move that's actually promising, like Toronto hiring Bryan Colangelo as their GM, or Seattle hiring Bob Hill as coach (this is the man who was stabbed in the back by the current coach of the Spurs, Gregg Popovich). I'm still waiting for Indiana to implode and it seems to be on the verge of finally happening. Denver is probably going to do the same thing. Hopefully, teams like my Beloved Bulls or the Hometown Hawks will be right there to pick up the pieces.

Whatever I'm Pissed About Now...

Memo to the Bush Administration:

It's easier to fight a war when you have people to fight it. I dunno, I just thought you might wanna consider that before you lay those huge balls of yours on the table when it comes to this Iran situation. Oh, oh, oh...and one more thing...support of the people would be good, too, because then you might have more people...y'know...volunteering? To help you, I mean...not picket in the streets in protest.

When generals start speaking out against the Secretary of Defense (who didn't earn his title, mind you), you might wanna take note of that, too, because unless Mr. Rumsfeld can actually do the jobs of these people, he might wanna shut his ass up. He talks way too much for a person who won't be found when the shit goes down. You might as well hire a bum and a drunk to head up the White House Cleanliness Division.

Then again, this sort of thing is nothing new for the Bush Administration. I've never seen a group of people hire so many unqualified people for government positions. That's like that Bolton guy, who they wanted to be UN Ambassador, even though he's an known xenophobe. They don't hire people to do the job, they hire people so their friends can have jobs. Because their friends were clearly hurting for money. Seriously, who can live off a six-figure salary these days? And stock options? Why, golden ceilings and televisions that can see into the future don't come cheap! And surely they can't be expected to pay for their own shit. And that's where YOU come in, Mr. and Mrs. American Taxpayer. And you must be convinced to give these people a job, so you don't complain about your president giving them free money. Or at least your elected officials. Who will also be given money for their efforts.

And since you put them all in office, that makes all of you stupid. You could have at least voted for me like I wanted you to. I would have least been up front with you when I gave people with names like "Pooh," "Milkdud" and "Colonel Freek'n Bitches" jobs. No, they're not qualified to wage war on a foreign country. Then again, that's not why they got hired. No, they got hired because they make me laugh...and because they match the furniture I'm having put in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Scrubs

The funniest thing on TV right now has to be Scrubs. I love Scrubs. If I could, I would mount Scrubs like a thick and busty woman and make love to its bosom and then when I was done, I would propose marriage to it. And kiss it. After I wiped it mouth off, because I was making love to its bosom. The bottom line is, I like Scrubs.

That is all.

The Gospel According to Thaddeus 4/10/06

I've decided that every so often I'm going to do this, really because I enjoy doing it. Just me and my opinion on random topics that it wouldn't make sense to write a whole blog entry about when I can sum it up in just a few sentences.

...The Masters Tournament?

No opinion at all. Not because I'm uniformed, but more like because i don't care. This whole thing got a lot less interesting when the controversy about Hootie Johnson not letting women into the club at Augusta National died down. I still fail to understand how a private club can be forced to let someone in. They call them "private" for a reason. Should the Black Panthers have been forced to accept white people?

...Scientology?

Does anyone even know what these people believe? I assure you, it's no more or less ridiculous than believing that a man can rise from the dead, manipulate the molecules of water, fish, and bread, or that an omnipresent force has nothing better to than to listen to you whine.

...Petey Williams' finisher, the Canadian Destroyer?

It's not that good of a wrestling move if the opponent is doing more work to pull the move off than you are.

...Cynthia McKinney's run in with the cops?

Man, this security guard probably makes an hourly wage. Let him do his job. Because the sooner he confirms your identity, the sooner you can get done doing what you have to do so you can make your appointment at the hair salon, which you clearly missed.

...Kobe Bryant?

Just so I don't miss another 81 point outburst, I've been watching the Lakers every chance I get. Whats been funny is watching Lamar Odom try to keep Kobe from getting the ball. Arent they on the same team? Kobe could be standing next to Odom, wide open, and Odoms going to try to force a pass to Kwame Brown in the low postand Browns not even looking at him. He wont even pass the ball back to Kobe during the lay-up drill for fear that he wont see it again. Im looking forward to the tell-all book that Lamar Odom puts out after he gets traded. This will happen after Odom football passes the ball right into Kobes face from about two feet away.

...Terrell Owens?

Of all the teams he could have signed with, it HAD to be the Cowboys.

...Keyshawn Johnson?

Of all the teams he could have signed with, it HAD to be the Panthers.

...Canadian wrestlers?

You know guys, there are other submission finishers besides the sharpshooter.

...Yahoo Customer Service?

Can I really complain about their customer service if I didn't buy anything?

...X-Men: The Last Stand?

From the trailer I saw on TV last week, this will probably be the best one of the three. Then again, I might just be thinking that because I don't like Bryan Singer. Only thing I can argue with so far is the casting of Juggernaut. Know who they shoulda got? "The Next Big Thing" Brock Lesnar.

...Batman?

He spent 2005 taking foot to ass. I can't argue with that. I'm glad to see it because comic book fans worldwide have made me detest Batman. Prior to this, things had gotten so ridiculous with him that I was waiting for him to change his name to Super-Batman.

...XBox 360?

It doesn't bother you that Microsoft just hit you up for $300 just back in 2001?

...Katie Holmes' "silent birth?"

Seriously, why do you care? This is about as newsworthy as Paris Hilton. Someone please tell me why this is controversial. All I know about this entire situation is that Tom Cruise is a fucking loon.

...American Idol?

Okay, I admit to watching some of it this year. And I'm secure enough in my manhood to say that Chris Daughtry is dreamy. There's your winner right there, folks.

...personalized license plates?

All I ask is that the plate either has some meaning or is funny. If the best you can do is to tell me what kind of car it is, that's $300 you could have lit cigars with or blown on coke and hookers. Listen, I know I'm not the smartest guy out there, but I'm just unretarded enough to look a foot and a half to the left or right to read what kind of car it is myself.

...bad drivers?

They're lucky I'm not rich, because if I was, I'd ram my car into theirs every chance I got, laws and public safety be damned. Hell, I'm rich. I can afford it. Rich people can afford to be unrepentant.

...Ron Artest?

It was almost like in 2005, he competing with Terrell Owens to see who could be the bigger jackass. In this exclusive interview with Ron Artest, he confirms that this was, in fact, the case:

"Terrell Owens, you think youve done some stupid shit? Well, you cant even begin to compare to the levels of stupidity that Im striving for this year. Not only am I going to do what you did, in ruining my teams championship hopes, but Im gonna take it a step further, with this (shows his misspelled record label name Tru Warier cut into the back of his head)! Dont forget, yall, the albums coming soon! In response to questions about using an out of style haircut for promotion, These CDs arent gonna sell themselves and I wont let a thing like fashion or intelligence stand in my way of a platinum plaque," he was quoted as saying before the wood-selling CD was released.

...WWE's Hall of Fame ceremony?

Never, NEVER, give the Blackjacks a live mic again.

...the R&B scene?

I'm might be showing my age, but remember the days when you could tell the R&B singers and rappers apart?

..."The Jesus Papers?"

Well, it's bound to piss off a lot of Christians, which means I'll definitely read it. Something must be wrong with me, because I shouldnt find so much humor in something that can completely destroy the underpinnings of someones faith.

...The State of the Union address?

He wanted to talk about the dangers of human-animal hybrids. Im not fucking kidding. I'll bet suddenly a boring zombie like John Kerry doesn't sound so bad anymore, between this goof and a homicidal Vice-President.

...Flavor of Love?

I wont watch it. I tried, but I couldnt go a full two minutes before I had to change the channel due to something stupid happening. Might as well have Flavor Flav do his best coon act on live TV. People talk about shows that set black folks back, but this one actually does it. For those people out there who say that Flavor Flav is a smart brother and talk about how deep hes supposed to be, I present this show as evidence to the contrary. CHUCK D was deep. Flavor Flav is a fucking clown.

...The Boondocks?

They should make Samuel L. Jackson a permanent cast member. Hes the only reason I even liked the episode I saw. Well, him and Charlie Murphy. Imma send this bitch a smiley face. Bitches like smiley faces.

...immigration reform?

What part of illegal immigrant is confusing you people? Youre already committing a crime just by being here. If you were justified in your actions, you wouldnt have to run when the INS van rolls up. Youre lucky white people havent started shooting you in the streets.

The Word On John Cena

At Wrestlemania, supposed "face" champion John Cena was booed out of the building in a manner befitting a person who broke Hulk Hogan's neck, anally raped The Rock in the middle of the ring, then pissed all over the first five rows before lighting the building on fire. Seriously, i haven't seen anyone hate a single wrestler this much before...and he was pandering to the crowd! This is coming from someone who remembers "Die Rocky Die." At least The Rock had that fortunate knee injury that took him off TV for a few months. John Cena should be cursing his two good knees right about now.

It wasn't always like this for John Cena. Why, when he first came out, he was met with indifference...ALL the time. And they tried. Boy, did they try...but when you've got a generic wrestler in powder blue trunks come out, with average wrestling talent and no gimmick to speak of...well, what do you expect?

So, like all big stars of the 90s, after realizing that this crap wasn't gonna work, they let him be himself on TV and THAT's what caught on. He came out in throwbacks, jeans and sneakers, rapping his way to the ring (and he was actually pretty good...back then). He was a heel, and one that was steadily talking sh*t. This is the time when anyone who's a Cena fan became a Cena fan. Anyone who claims that they were a Cena fan before this might have confused him with Randy Orton or Orlando Jordan or pretty much anyone who was coming out of OVW at the time. Seriously, who could tell these guys apart, what with their lack of gimmick and identical move sets? I swear, there were about 15 wrestlers in the WWF at the time who were exactly the same.

Anyway, Cena was becoming the hottest thing in wrestling in 2004, so the management decided to make him the big sh*t in 2005. And this is where it all went wrong.

First, they turned him back face, which isn't so bad in itself. I don't really like when they do this, because they wind up taking the edge away from the character. Or to put it another way, they cut off his balls. It didn't happen so much with Stone Cold Steve Austin, but it did with The Rock (and they turned on him, too) and it did during the Triple H Experiment. Sometimes it works out (Mankind became a completely new character and gave his career new life) and sometimes it doesn't (i.e. John Cena, or else I wouldn't be writing this).

Now, when you look at John Cena, what do you see? Well, I'll tell you what I see: Marky Mark. Seriously. And this is before Christian said it on TV. And did people like Marky Mark? No, not anyone who stood up to piss. Well, that's pretty much what you're dealing with in Cena. So you got a lack of respect from the men in the audience. Also, he doesn't talk sh*t like he used to. It was funny, it was mean, it was raw. When he came out, there was no jumping around like a damn fool, trying to get the crowd up. He had that hip-hop swagger. And people loved it, even though they weren't supposed to. Well...you also had that group who hate to see white boys act black. They got a word for that, that I don't like to use, because if figure if you say that one, you're basically calling black people the other word. But that's something for another day.

Now, the swagger's gone. He's coming out hyped, trying to rally the crowd to his side (and they don't). Instead of being the asshole he was before, now he's TRYING to pop the crowd and it shows. Basically, he's acting like he left his balls in the locker room. And the fans (the male ones, anyway) don't like it. See, this might be a sexist statement, but the women who watch wrestling, overall, are not too discriminating when it comes to wrestling talent. If they think the guy is HOT, then that's generally enough for them. For instance, The Rock was the SOLE reason why black women across America would even consider watching wrestling and when HE was gone, THEY were gone.

Right now, Cena's got the 13-17 female demographic on LOCK, but their dads and older brothers hate this guy. Who do you think is louder? So far, those guys are getting heard. Now, the guys might be considered to be haters for booing this "hot" guy (the women think the guys are jealous), but the guys are looking at him and thinking "this guy f*cking sucks. I doubt even Flair could get a good match outta him." On the flipside, those girls and those kids are buying his merchandise. So, while you're making money hand over fist with this guy, he's getting booed out the building (Wrestlemania was the worst...and that's the biggest stage in wrestling...not a good sign).

Now, you had a guy, who's good looking and charasmatic, pandering extra hard to a Chicago crowd by playing up their Chicago Mob/Al Capone history, going against the biggest heel in wrestling for the last 6 years, in Triple H and he STILL got booed? Well, buddy, you're just in a no-win situation. So what do you do? I think I got the answer.

Now, most people are just suggesting that you turn him back heel again. I was, too...until I thought about it for a minute. I remembered Diesel, a former WWF Champion, who was a face champion, complete with sh*t-eating grin. He was once a heel who was turned face after the fans got a glimpse of his personality. Basically, this guy is a f*cking fool. One of the funniest wrestlers I've ever seen. And when they turned him face, they took all that away. So when he lost the title, he got on TV and talked about when he won the title and how the management told him to smile. Diesel...a 7-foot monster, capable of crushing just about any man in the ring...smiling. And no, it didn't work. The crowd didn't turn on him, but his reign as champion didn't set the world on fire, either. And Diesel said that he was never comfortable with that. And he wrapped up by saying, basically, that you're either with him or against him, and if you're with him, he'll slap your hand, but if you're against him...f*ck you. Well, that's my own embellishment, by the point is made. And he was basically what's known as a "tweener." Not really heel, not really a face. He was played up more as a heel, though. Two years later, the same thing happened with Stone Cold Steve Austin. He just never got on TV and made any declarations. The crowd was already cheering him, so they just made Bret Hart a heel while he was fighting Austin. After that, he just kept fighting heels, while doing his same ol' thing.

That's the road that needs to be taken with Cena. At the very least, it would give him his edge back, and maybe, just maybe...he'd stop that damn smiling. And get his swagger back. Cuz dammit, thugs don't smile. Or jump around like damn fools. Except maybe D-12...but they suck.

My birthday

While I know this thing isn't all encompassing, I just wanted to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday today. A lot of you who have been around for previous birthdays know that I haven't been that enthusiatic about my birthday in recent years (basically, because i hate the idea that I HAVE to get older). And even though I still downplayed my birthday this year, like always...I have to admit that I was touched by the messages and phone calls and e-mails and the comments on my page. I would say that I was getting choked up, but I'd be lying, mainly because I am incapable of expressing emotion, but if I could, you'd get a picture of a me, glowing from the inside out, because I've got such good friends. I love all of you and thank you.

Except those of you who didn't say anything. You fucking suck. Same goes for those of you who made an "old man" joke of some sort. If that leaves anyone, anyone at all, my original statement still stands. And yes, I said that I love you guys.

Aw, screw you guys.

A Small Prediction...

The Lakers are playing The Rockets.

Kobe Bryant has 12 points with about 5 minutes left in the half.

Kobe is being guarded by Luther Head.

Luther Head was touted as Illinois' best defensive player last year.

Kobe is going to drop 40 on this kid today.

Let's see how correct I am in about two or three hours.

The time is 16:26 (4:26PM).

Follow up:

Kobe scored 43. The time is 14:07 (2:07PM). The next day.

F*** Jake "The Snake" Roberts

Just got back in the house...check this out...

Okay, yesterday I was over at Stone Mountain running (well, more like walking) up the mountain. It's a pretty common thing to do here for exercise. As I was leaving, I saw none other than Jake "The Snake" Roberts, who lives in Stone Mountain. After a few minutes and trying to decide whether or not I should even say anything to him, I walked over to him and introduced myself, and just talked to him in general about wrestling, training and whatnot. He seemed annoyed at first, but lightened up as the conversation went on. He noticed my size and asked if I had any interest in becoming a wrestler. I told him that I trained some a couple of years ago, but I never finished after the drama that went down at my school. I kinda glossed over it, because it's too long of a story for smalltalk. I said that I'd still like to do it if the opportunity for training came up. He said that he was good friends with some people over at NWA Wildside in Corellia, which is about 30 miles away from here. He said he'd be there tomorrow morning for a couple of hours, because he'd be working a show there later on in the week and he wanted to check out the talent. He said he'd go over some things with me and see about gettng me set up with some training.

So today, i went down there and met some of the guys there. Saw a guy I used to train with at WWA4, Jay Fury, who's burning up the indy circuit right now. I got in the ring with Jake and this is where things took a turn for the worse. He started yelling and screaming whenever I didn't do something fast enough or exactly how he wanted it. When he'd show me a hold, he'd sneak a punch into my ribs grind my face into the mat, you know, real dirty stuff. I was just taking it at first, because this is wrestling. This is just how things go. It's no big deal.

Then, when I was getting up off the mat, this man hit me in the temple with his knee. It was kinda stiff, but i sold it. You're always taught to sell, even in practice. While I'm laying on my back, he jumps on top of me, pins me down and puts his hands around my neck and starts talking shit about he could kill me right now and how no one could do anything about it because he's Jake "The Snake" Roberts. He looked real wound up, but i thought he was just acting. I didn't think anything of it...until he slapped me.

He started laughing and got up. Needless to say, I was PISSED. As he got up, I pushed him back and swung on Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Next thing I know, we were scrapping. I was fighting with Jake "The Snake" Roberts! Some of the other wrestlers broke us up, and being the new guy, I was thrown out. Jay came outside with me to calm me down and while we were out there, Jake came after me again, and this time he had a gun! He was grabbed again and pulled back inside before he could do anything. A couple of minutes later, Bill Behrens, the promoter, came out to talk to me and talked to me, telling me about how they aren't using Jake in their shows anymore because of this and that he'd heard that Jake cleaned up, but apparently that wasn't true and this and that...he asked me to leave, because they needed to get Jake out of there and I was parked next to Jake. I was pissed, but I left.

Can you believe that shit? If any of you ever see that man Jake Roberts, anywhere, I want you to call him a bitch to his face. And let him know that if I ever see him again, it's gonna be a misunderstanding. I just felt the need to get all that out. Something else I just gotta say...April Fool's.

Gotcha...or not.

No Jokes Here

One look at the world today will show you your religions have failed.

Religion will not save us, you know. The world needs to see that there will never be a one world religion. There will be no one faith that "shows us the light." Why? Because you're all wrong. Your religions don't teach you to live in peace with others. Your religions don't teach you about love and togetherness. Your religions don't teach you about tolerance. Funny how the three major religions, all of which come from the "Holy Land," are the biggest perpetrators of violence against each other. That doesn't sound like "peace," "love," or "tolerance." Your also religions don't teach you about thinking for yourselves. Maybe it's time you started.

That's the only thing that will save us. The realization that there is no "us" and "them." We are all one here. The understanding that these labels you place on yourselves only limit who you are and who you can become. The knowledge that you are human FIRST and Christian, Jew, Muslim, conservative, liberal, Democrat, Republican, American, German, Russian, whatever...second.

These labels don't tell anything about who a person is, yet you give so much power to them, as if the fact that a person says he's Christian means that he's more trustworthy than someone who isn't. Just because you're both Christians doesn't mean he won't screw you over. Yet, these meaningless labels influence so many of your decisions without getting to the root of who that person is. It's why George W. Bush is in the White House. It's why the Ku Klux Klan is still active. It's the reason behind "white flight," or why people watch Arabs on the plane or why the young black male is STILL the most feared person in America. And knowing your attachment to these labels, it's makes you so much easier to exploit and manipulate. You fall so easily into the trap.

When are you going to wake up? It's just us here, regardless of what you believe in. This has nothing to do with God or whoever. It has everything to do with us. We have to make things right down here, because no being in the sky is going to do it for us. And when we die, it's not really going to matter what religion you were, or political party, or nationality, or anything like that. Who you were and what you did will. Who am I? I'm human. Let's start with that.

A Quick Word On The Oscars...

Just a quick comment on The Oscars...

First off, let me state that I didn't watch it. My sister called me to let me know that 'It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" won an Oscar...and I'm really not sure how I feel about it. She told me that Three 6 Mafia performed the song (cuz they wrote it) and that all the black people in the crowd were loving these moments (and apparently, there weren't a lot of black people).

On the one hand, I'm glad that it was a rap song that won it. For better or for worse, this music is the music of my generation, and specifically, my demographic. And overall, I don't know which is more monumental: a rap song winning an Oscar or Halle and Denzel winning a few years back. Let's face it...black people were going to do that eventually, not to take anything away from what they've accomplished. It's just that no one ever thought a rap song would win an Oscar. Ya just didn't see it coming. So, I'm proud for my people. Black people doing good. We need to see more of that. On the other hand...

...the song was called "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp," and I just have to question why THIS song had to be the one to win the Oscar and it had to be THESE black people who wrote and performed it. Has it been so long since "Tear Da Club Up," "Yeah, Ho," and "Gang Sign In His Face" came out?

Now, if I have to explain why I'm questioning it, you're either not black or not very smart. Of all the black movies with rap songs in them over the last 30 years, THIS was the breakthrough song?

I saw "Hustle & Flow." It was a movie that was way better than I thought it would be. I was actually inspired by the story and I don't really get inspired by much. The movie shows you to stick with it. It's never too late to follow your dreams. Uplifting damn movie. The song fits within the context of the movie, but when you take the movie away, it's just another song on the radio. The movie makes the song more than what it actually is, cuz let's face it, I heard better songs about pimpin' from Big Boi, back when he was pretending to be something he wasn't.

Then again, maybe that's the point. To have a song that's integral to the movie, so intertwined with the movie that each is a lesser product without the other. A song that helps you feel what the characters onscreen are feeling, and a song that you can't imagine being replaced by any other at that point in the movie. A song that instantly recalls in the listener's mind what was happening on screen at the moment the song was played.

You know, "Hoochie Mama" did the same thing for "Friday" and it didn't get an Oscar.

Samoa Joe sucks. Here's why.

There might be three of you out there who have heard of Samoa Joe, the Internet Wrestling Community's latest crotch to nuzzle. He's a decent enough wrestler, I guess. There's been some moaning about him almost signing with "The E (WWE)," and there's been speculation about whether or not he'd make it there. I say no and here's three good reasons why:

1. He wrestles too stiff.

2. He doesn't sell.

3. He's a bland Samoan with man-boobs.

Fact: Wrestling is entertainment. We're all grown here. I think we all know that...although I didn't want to admit it to myself, even into my teens. I mean...the suplex can really hurt someone! At any rate, the point here is, these guys are pretty big, yet they're not supposed to be hurting each other. Yes, there is some degree of pain (and I can speak on that personally), but it's not a real fight. So, either no one let Samoa Joe in on this fact or he's the biggest 12 year old the world has ever seen. This man hits people like he doesn't realize that he's in the middle of a homoerotic play-fight with other sweaty men. Now, most of his fans don't understand that shit hurts. They also don't care because they've never seen the inside of a ring and they've never had to stand there and let someone punch or kick them in the face and trust that person to not break their orbital bone. Personally, I don't see The E letting some no name Samoan beat up on all their stars like that and I don't see the holy trinity of Paul, Michael, and Mark (Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and The Undertaker) letting this guy stiff the shit out of them at any given time. Especially considering one of them has a barely working leg and plastic surgery in his nose to protect, one of them has a back held together by willpower and chewing gum, and one of them has hips so fragile that he could break one of them getting slapped on the ass at the strip club.
So, it's either change your style or forget about getting pushed, because The E isn't about to risk losing one of it's stars that its spent years building up to injury just so Joe can pretend that he never learned to protect his opponent. That's strike one.

Now...I've seen this guy wrestle a few times and never once have I seen this guy sell. Well, I take that back...he sells...like his name was Goldberg. See...one of the main points of wrestling is to make your opponent look good. How do you do that? By selling their offense. I guess he figures the best way to sell is to ignore the fact that his opponent just hit him in the face with the butt of a gun, or an axehandle. The funny thing to me is that the IWC loves Samoa Joe, even though he doesn't sell, yet when The Undertaker does it, he's an evil individual who's holding down the young talent, even though not selling is, you know...an inherent part of his character, being dead and all.

Now, do you really think that Triple H is gonna let this guy get away with no-selling his offense? How many times do you think he's going to be allowed to shrug off a chokeslam from The Undertaker? Yeah, you guessed right if you said "they'll set him up to take the fall for their steroid abuse before they let him do that." Strike two.

Lastly...now, look, I'm not saying you have to be in phenomenal shape to do this, although it helps. And Lord knows I'm the last person that should be allowed to criticize the shape someone's in, but dammit, he's just plain fat. The difference between me and him is that I know to keep my shirt on. The rolls in his man's stomach are made for drug smuggling.

Plus, he's got man-boobs. So does Ric Flair. The thing is...Ric Flair's like sixty years old. What sixty year old man hasn't begun to sag? There's only one...and his name's Hulk Hogan. And Hulk Hogan made his go away through strength, determination, and a $5500 check to Julio's Transmission Repair and Pectoplasty. So Ric Flair's okay with me. We love Ric Flair. Meanwhile, Joe's like...25 years old and engaging in regular physical activity. He's actually gained weight since he's come out. At this rate, he's going to be about 400 pounds by the age of 30. So you've got a fat Samoan with no charisma. You need to get some attention on him...might as well put him in a thong. It worked wonders for Rikishi and Yokozuna, remember? And they really tried with Rikishi...oh, how they tried. The E pushed him and pushed him, and even though he'd spent the previous two years dancing with two white guys who were a bigger embarrassment to hip-hop than K-Kwik and The Road Dogg. They gave him a huge heel push and took out all the stops...they said he hit Stone Cold Steve Austin with a car, they had him turn on his cousin, The Rock, and yet and still...no one took him seriously as a heel. You know why? Because he was a grown man in a thong, you retard.

This is Samoa Joe's WWE future. Get in shape, or else you'll have angles as stupid as Rikishi's to look forward to. And you're far more intimidating, although I can't tell if that's intensity or just a lack of charisma. That kinda stuff held Benoit back for years. And the WWE will always take a less talented guy who's in shape over a fat wrestling prodigy. That's why Chris Masters has a job and, Vic Grimes is begging for change on the side of the interstate. Strike three.

So until Joe decides to change a few things about himself, he's always going to be small time. Even if WCW was still around, they'd never let him hobnob with the stars. That's why Guerrero, Benoit, and Jericho abandoned the place. He would have been adored in ECW, but no one was making any real money there, because Paul E. sucked as a business man. That just leaves The E, and everyone changes when they go to The E. Resistance is futile. Or...you can resist, but you'll always be an Indy wrestler. And right now, Samoa Joe is probably the best Indy wrestler there is. That's not necessarily a good thing, either. Just ask Christopher Daniels.

The Once and Future Babcock

If you can walk in the rain without drowning, then you too, can be an NBA General Manager.

Apparently, the only requisites for consideration is that you have the sense that God gave birds and that you once held a basketball. Doesn't matter if you were humping it or drooling on it. Just hold it for a few seconds and you can apply. After you successfully navigate the dangerous rain, of course. All you need is a team owner dumb or desperate enough to take a chance on you.

Earlier today, New York Knicks General Manager Isiah Thomas traded Penny Hardaway and Trevor Ariza to the Orlando Magic for Steve Francis. I'm not knocking him for getting Hardaway off his roster, because even though he's one of my all-time favorite players, the man wasn't going to get them anywhere closer to .500 when he has the arthritis of an 80 year old man in his knees. And Trevor Ariza apparently fell out of favor with coach Larry Brown, who's been hailed as the savior (following previous saviors, Isiah Thomas and Stephon Marbury...and Latrell Sprewell...and Allan Houston). Forget his promsing talent or anything crazy like that. Who needs talent when you've got the highest payroll in sports to match the second to worst record in the league? Yes...and i take great joy in saying this...even the Hawks are better.

But I'm not knocking Isiah for trading them. I'm knocking him for taking on the EXACT SAME PLAYER as his starting point guard, Stephon Marbury! No one who isn't already suffering from a near-fatal head injury would have made that trade. There are only three people in the world who would have made a trade as stupid as that. Two of them are named "Babcock." The other actually did it earlier today. His name is Isiah Thomas.

I just don't understand what Isiah is trying to do up there. So you actually manage to get rid of an expiring contract (Hardaway's is up this year), only to take on one that's even higher for more years. And you take on a player who does all the same stuff your starting point guard already does (including shoot too much, dribble too much, not play enough defense, suck up your salary cap, and go around not being a real point guard). Not to mention, you just got done drafting the same player, only you left him in the dryer too long (5'9" Nate Robinson...Slam Dunk Thief...I mean, Champion). And then there's Jamal Crawford, who got traded from the Chicago Bulls for turning into the player that Marbury and Francis already are! AND, AND, AND...didn't Thomas just trade valuable inside presence (Antonio Davis) for yet another shoot-first point guard in Jalen Rose? That did just happen two weeks ago, didn't it?

Salary cap room? Bah! Draft picks? Take 'em, cuz he's completely sold on Rasho Nesterovic's and Greg Ostertag's upside! And under Isiah's watch, consistent, solid performances (Michael Sweetney) only get you traded for the exact same player, only fatter, less consistent, a worse rebounder and more risky (Eddy Curry and his heart that could stop beating with one well-placed elbow to the chest)! But, hey...Curry's got potential!

...five years into his playing career. But I digress.

You know what? Maybe I'm the one with the head injury. And if not, maybe i should get one so I can get paid to pretend that this is a game of NBA Street, where I can trade players with not a whit of thought about chemistry...sharing the ball...player variety...DEFENSE...need I go on? It's really not THAT hard to put an NBA team together and it's not that hard to identify a stupid trade when you see one. You know what a good trade would have been? If he could have swindled Philly into taking Hardaway and Ariza for Allen Iverson. What does a bad trade look like? The one your dumb ass just got done making.

Thank you for continuing to give me things to write about, Isiah Thomas. Your spectacular failures in the front office since retirement from the NBA are far more interesting. The only thing that would be more interesting is the inside dirt on WHY owner James Dolan hired you AFTER you bought the CBA and caused it to fold inside of a year...which happened after you ran the expansion Toronto Raptors and fired the first coach, who actually got them a pretty good record, so you could hire your boy, who sank them like they were wearing concrete boots. And who can forget the time you coached a promising Indiana Pacers team into mediocrity, after Larry Bird got done taking the same team to the NBA Finals...and directly before Rick Carlisle can within a game of doing the exact same thing?

You've been going down in flames since the moment you got to New York. I can't wait to see how all this ends. And how much further in debt you're going to put this team. Does anyone know if there's some sort of record of the highest payroll for a team in last place? Whoever's on top, Isiah's determined to take you over, winning records and fan attendance be damned.

Ralph Sampson's knees haven't worked right since 1987. He's well into his 50's. I heard Isiah wanted to sign him to a six-year deal for $50 million.

Swagger Jacker?

Jay-Z is such a biter. Let's face it. I think it's time to call a spade and spade. He calls himself "YOUNG Hova." He CLEARLY stole the word "YOUNG" from Young MC. And the letters "J" and "Z" were taken from Sesame Street.

There's been a lot of talk about Jay-Z over his career (well, since Biggie died) and whether or not he's a biter. Oh, he recites so many of Biggie's lines...oh, he took a line from Snoop, oh, he bit from this person, that person...who gives a damn?

First, Biggie was his friend and he's done more to keep that friend's name in the street than any one of these people who claim Jay is a biter. Being one of the most influential rappers ever, that's a pretty big deal. Personally, i see it as an homage to Biggie, not stealing from him. Or to Tupac. Or to Snoop. Or to Slick Rick. It's not like back in the day, when rap was still in it's infacy and there were just a handful of rappers around. It's not like Big Bank Hank from the Sugarhill Gang supposedly stealing an entire verse from Grandmaster Caz and passing it off as his own at a time when there were like...six rappers and they all lived in the same borough of New York.
Today, there's history to draw from and rappers today will take a line from another rapper and spin it off into a brand new verse, or take that line and change it, but the cadence is the same so it evokes the memory of that old verse. It's like inside jokes for hip-hop heads. Those who know the history will get it.

So to me, it's not a big deal. And if it is a big deal, then so is Snoop remaking "Lodi Dodi" or that CD "In the Beginning....There was Hip-Hop," where there were like 15 remade hip-hop classics by other rappers. The positive to all of this is, when it comes out where that line or song came from, people who love hip hop will either be reminded of the original song or those who don't know will want to hear it. And I think remembering the history of hip-hop is very important. Hip-Hop as a whole is treated as disposable music, and that so many classics get forgotten as soon as they leave the charts...well, that's a pretty bad thing.

What is a big deal is when you got someone like Cam'ron calling Jay-Z out on biting, when he's done the exact same thing in his songs. For anyone who's heard "Swagger Jacker," just know that there's a song circulating with Cam'ron doing the exact same thing. I think Cam's just mad because no one's quoting his nursery school rhymes, while Jay-Z's multiplatinum rap career took him from the Marcy Projects to the top spot at Def Jam. Sounds like hating to me.

To bottom line this, though...I'm not really concerned about supposed biting in hip-hop. And neither is anyone else. People just hate Jay-Z, which is fine. If they were really so concerned about biting, then where was the outrage when your current favorite rapper, 50 Cent took a verse from Tupac and recited it, almost verbatim in a diss track about Ja Rule and Irv Gotti? He wasn't creative enough to make the verse his own, like Eminem did, so he just recited the verse and said "G-Unit" and added more cuss words. So don't turn a blind eye to one and condemn the other. That makes you a hypocrite. And a hater. Like Cam'ron. And I'm sure all of you are better rappers than he is.

The NBAs 60 Greatest Players

Okay, so I'm looking at TNT right now and they're picking the next 10 to add to the NBAs 50 Greatest Players. The official list done by the NBA back in 1996 was pretty controversial in itself. In my mind, I thought the whole list was a sham because Shaquille O'Neal made the list and Dominique Wilkins didn't. People thought I was a hater at the time because I thought Shaq shouldn't have made it. And I'll argue anyone into the ground, through the crust, and down into the pits of Hell that Shaq shouldn't have been on that list. Even if Dominique STILL didn't make it, Shaq shouldn't have been on it. I would get into it, but that's not why I started this today. Aw, hell...I'll do it anyway. To bottom line all this, Shaq wasn't a great center yet. All he did was go to the low block and dunk. That's it. Fuck you and him if you disagree. If they made this list today, Shaq would be on it, though. And I'll argue anyone back through hell and into China on that point.

Anyway, what set me off on this tangent was just the suggestion that Gary Payton deserves to be added to the next 10. He'll probably be a Hall-of-Famer. Sure. That's fine. But to me, Gary Payton...I mean, anyone who saw those really good Sonics teams play knows that Gary Payton was the sidekick to the STAR that was Shawn Kemp. So basically...if Gary Payton makes it, then dammit, Shawn Kemp should be on it. When Seattle went to the Finals against the Bulls (and you KNOW I was watching) they got there on the back of Shawn Kemp.

Gary Payton has played in two NBA Finals. He's had two opportunities to play on the big stage. Once with Seattle in 1996 and once with the Lakers in 2004. And he has not had a memorable performance either time. In fact, not only has he been unremarkable in the Finals, he hasn't SHOWN UP at all. You know who showed up in 1996? Shawn f'n Kemp. You know who showed up in 2004? Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant (he showed up a little too much, if you know what I mean). Now, unless my spelling is really bad, neither of those names is Gary Payton.

You know what we really need? Okay, okay...what I really need? I need to get on one of these TV shows so I can argue these guys down about some of this ridiculous stuff they say. Gary Payton being a great player...Stephon Marbury being a great player...Emmitt Smith being better than Barry Sanders...Cal Ripken, Jr.'s streak being anything other what you're supposed to do...Mike Martz deserving to be a head coach instead of the career offensive coordinator that he is...why Michael Vick never needs to stay in the pocket...So basically, let's do this: let's get me a job on TV or radio or something, where I can tell these fools the way it really is.

You know what's impressive? Christian getting a good match out of Goldberg. Get me a job.

The Most Brilliant Thing I've Ever Heard

"See, if the Haves gave the Have-Nots half of what they have, then the Haves would still be the Haves, but the Have-Nots would be the Have-Somethings."

Redd Foxx as Fred Sanford. Think on that, you greedy motherfuckers.

Josh McRoberts is the next Kurt Rambis

Why are comparisons in sports so bad?

I fail to see the negatives. If I told you Adam Morrison was a great 6'10" forward from Gonzaga with crazy range, you'd stare at me blankly. If I told you Adam Morrison was the next Larry Bird, I'd suddenly have your attention. It's not like I'm saying that J.J. Redick (wrong size and type of game) or Rudy Gay (BLACK) is the next Bird. It's a white player with a very similar game and when you see him play, you put it together yourself.

It seems like every year, a player comes out who draws comparisons to another player who has come before and every year, people complain that we shouldn't do this. It's never going to stop because it's basic human nature to do this. Whaddya call it...association? If you see a player in a sport do things that remind you of another player you've seen before, you're going to automatically link the two. True, there have been times when the comparison made no sense (I still don't know how Harold Miner as "Baby Jordan" got started), but there are a lot of times where the comparison matches.

The first time I saw Kobe Bryant play, it was the worst case of "Single White Female" given life. This man looks like he studied Michael Jordan all the way down to his walk and mannerisms. Anyone who disagrees is clearly delusional. The only difference between these two mens' games is the fact that Kobe has hair on his head and Michael revolutionized sports advertising. That's about it.

So it's natural that I associate the two. Same height, same weight, same kind of player, same killer instinct. What's wrong with that? I'm not making up stuff to make the comparison fit...it's all right in front of you. What's wrong with comparing LeBron James and Magic Johnson? Two 6'10" point guards that make spectacular passes? Who else am I going to associate LeBron James with? World B. Free?

Vince Carter and Dominique Wilkins? Two 6'7" supertalents who can both jump out of the gym. Shaquille O'Neal and Wilt Chamberlain? Two massive 7 foot centers who were completely unguardable. Even though he hasn't shown the same defensive commitment, Lamar Odom draws Scottie Pippen comparisons all the time, because they are of similar build and skill set. It has given the Lakers a direction to push Odom into. The Lakers even hired Pippen to coach Odom. And Odom's no stranger to comparisons, because in high school, he was touted as the next Magic Johnson.

Some people think it's lazy to do this. I say it's the easiest way to get my point across. No one ever complains about this in music or TV or movies. No one ever says, "You shouldn't compare The Flintstones to the Honeymooners," even though one clearly aped the other. No one ever says, "You shouldn't compare Ja Rule, DMX, and 50 Cent to 2Pac," even though they are obvious clones (maybe the rappers in question don't like it...but fuck 'em. They shouldn't suck so bad). The thing is, until these players get their own identity, it's just going to be like this. They're going to have the identities of others thrust upon them. Hell, I compare my own nephew's game to Allen Iverson's. If you saw him play, you would, too. When growing up, no matter what you're into, you always imitate those you look up to. Until you get experienced enough to stand on your own, it's what you do. Ask any professional at anything and he or she always had someone they molded themselves after. Who didn't spend hours on the court trying to relive those Michael Jordan highlights?

Don't tell anyone, but I still do it. The six three pointers against Portland in the 92 Finals. It always sticks with me.

Some have brought up the racial aspect. White players are always compared to Bird, black players are always compared to...well, everyone else. There's nothing wrong with that, either. For one, it's no secret that the NBA and white America both want a great white player. Since Bird retired, college ball has been the last home of the dominant white player. Okay, except for Dirk Diggler. Everyone's looking for the next Larry Bird. The point, though, is that people wouldn't compare unless they were simliar. No one ever put Brent Barry and Michael Jordan together. "But they're both athletic two-guards!" the idiots say. Yeah, but nothing about skinny, pasty white Brent Barry ever made me think, "man, if that isn't the second coming of MJ." You put together what's similar. Even kids who haven't yet learned bladder control know that.
So don't feel bad when the analysts tell you you're wrong for comparing players. Tim Legler and Bill Walton are just mad that no one's comparing anyone to them.