Friday, May 09, 2014

Josh Gordon ain't no political prisoner (also, weed is delicious)

Rob Van Dam once talked about how all these world class athletes all smoked weed.  Can't find the quote, but he said something to the effect of, "Why is it that all of the finely tuned athletes who know so much about their bodies are choosing to smoke weed?"  Maybe it was Joe Rogan.  Anyway, they're basically saying that if there was something really wrong with it, these people would know and wouldn't use it.  I tend to believe them, because they both have (or had) shows built around smoking a lot of weed and talking about it, so I assume they'd know. 

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with weed.  I've said since I was a teenager, I'd rather my kids smoke weed than cigarettes.  And yet, it's still considered a part of the same category as heroin.  In the eyes of the law, weed and heroin are the same.  It's a ridiculous idea, because one has been killing people since it came out and the other is responsible for American weight gain.  They're not the same thing, and I think one of them should be legalized, even if it is responsible for putting Taco Bell on the map. 

Josh Gordon, wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns, obviously feels like I do, because he just failed a second drug test the other day.  He could be suspended for a year as a result. 

And like with all drug suspensions, some people are calling him stupid and other people are like, "hey, man, weed comes from the Earth, man."  Personally, I don't think it's worth an actual debate.  At least not about the rightness or wrongness of a Gordon suspension.  The debate needs to be about weed laws and how the NFL eventually will treat them, not whether or not it's fair that he could be suspended a year, while Ray Rice, who punched out his fiance in a casino (allegedly, even though we all saw the video of the aftermath), will be starting Week 1 of the season.  Or that Jim Irsay, who was arrested with pills and cash in a pillow case, got his situation swept under the rug.  It isn't.  We all know the NFL doesn't hand out punishment fairly. 

But Josh Gordon ain't no political prisoner.  He's a weed head.  And I don't even say that negatively, because weed heads are fun people to be around.  I don't know Josh Gordon, but I'm sure he isn't any different.  I don't really follow Cleveland sports, because reading about Cleveland makes dark thoughts crop up in my head, but I haven't heard anything about him being lazy or causing a problem up there.  In fact, he's a really good player, so clearly, he can handle his high.  But let's not act like this man is facing a grave injustice.  His civil rights aren't being violated.  The NFL has clear rules and testing procedures for weed.  I don't think they have one for punching your girlfriend in the face, otherwise, half the league would be actually be practice squad players, because everyone else was already suspended.

I'm not saying that to justify spousal abuse, either.  The NFL and the Players' Union need to crackdown on players who do stuff like this, unless it's good business for them to represent a gang of wifebeaters.  Even if it's just smashing their toes with a hammer, or a series of paper cuts, they need to do something to let players know that attacking their wives is not okay.  In a perfect world, they would do this and fight for a loosening of drug restrictions.  But there's no sense in that, because their only choices in this are "conform or nah?"  The NFL is never going to budge on this.  Ever. 

It was suggested (on Twitter, admittedly) that because weed helps with brain injuries and stuff like that, and because the NFL has a huge problem with brain injuries, Josh Gordon shouldn't be suspended.  And that sounds reasonable until you realize that we don't know if that's why Josh Gordon was smoking.  He might just like making smoke rings.  And we can't ask him now, because of course he's gonna say that's why he was doing it.  Hell, I'd tell you it was curing my crippling erectile dysfunction if it kept from me getting suspended.

Another thing to realize is, the NFL has proven that it doesn't give a shit about players and their stupid brain injuries.  To them, that's just a left-wing conspiracy cooked up to bleed the job creators dry.  That's why they hid information about brain injuries from the players and that's why they nickel and dime former players now.  Junior Seau shooting himself in the chest didn't mean anything to them.  They're far more concerned about the image of the league (WE GOTTA PROTECT THE SHIELD, MAN!), and while weed is still illegal, they're not going to change anything, no matter how many tests prove that it helps with brain injuries.  They won't even change if it's legalized, because after that, there will still be a lingering perception of weed as a "drug."  As far as the NFL's concerned, you better grab a fistful of somas or a cortizone shot and get back on the field. 

That's where the real debate needs to be.  Not whether or not Josh Gordon is getting screwed, because Ray Rice is living out his Mike Tyson fantasies and Jim Irsay is playing "Breaking Bad," and nothing's happening to them.  Unfortunately, the rule is the rule, and they don't have one for punching women or owners going to buy $29,000 in drugs.  Or smoking fake weed and jerking off in a parking lot (this one is absolutely true).  Or even for players causing a national security uproar at the airport.

See, that's the problem right there.  Josh Gordon isn't being as imaginative with his infractions as everyone else. 

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Maybe Mark Jackson ISN'T a victim. MAYBE.

So Mark Jackson got fired from the Warriors yesterday, despite being the best coach they've had since the first time Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out.  Remember those days?  You could still buy a black and white TV.  Michael Jackson being white was a new thing. 

All the reports are saying that no one liked him and that's why he got fired.  Well, no one except the team.  You know, the most important people to impress.  Because there's plenty of coaches that got along great with the front office who would get outcoached at the YMCA youth league, which is why they now have a well paid job working the telestrator on ESPN.  ESPN is nature's way of removing shitty coaches from the business of winning basketball games. 

Logically speaking, though, that's probably the dumbest reason of all time to fire a coach.  The dude won 51 games, got the team into the playoffs the last two years, and has the support of the team.  You know, the guys who put asses in the seats.  He's making you money and he's winning games.  How fragile does your ego have to be to end all of that just because the coach doesn't like you, Joe Lacob?  I would say that coaches have been fired for less, but there will always be Jerry Jones and George Steinbrenner.  You have to sink to subhuman levels of pettiness to get where they are, but that's where Joe Lacob seems to be now.  Firing a coach for not getting along with the owner is like firing a coach who just won two Super Bowls for you, because the media didn't give you enough credit for putting the team together. 

Now, everyone's mad at the owner, because everyone loved Mark Jackson, and in basketball, that's important.  The media needs to like the coach, otherwise, they'll start a campaign to D'Antoni your team.  Of course the players have to like the coach.  The fans should like the coach, because they're buying tickets.  Who gives a fuck what the people working for the organization think?  No one's coming to see you.  And do you know how irrelevant the owner can be when it comes to public outreach?  Donald Sterling is a racist and has owned the Clippers for 33 years.  When he bought them, almost everyone I know was semen.  He's been a racist the whole time, and it hasn't stopped the Clippers from selling tickets. 

So as long Mark Jackson isn't messing up that cash, it really shouldn't matter.  Then again, scuttlebutt around the Bay says there's more to it than that. 

Word from the SF Gate has it that Mark Jackson, who is a pastor (I honestly had no idea until a few hours ago), and team president Rick Welts, who is "a gay (that's a quote from Donald Sterling)," were at odds about Welts's openly gay lifestyle.

Well, that changes everything.  Because if that's true, then it changes from a story about a sensitive ass owner to a guy who was openly insulting his boss.  'Cuz Mark Jackson wasn't shy about weighing in about gay issues in the NBA, and he didn't seem like the most gay-friendly guy.  On a scale from "one" to "Tim Hardaway," I would hope he was closer to "one," but he doesn't exactly sound welcoming.  When Jason Collins came out, Mark Jackson said something about having "beliefs of what’s right and what’s wrong."  He also said he was going to pray for Collins's family.  And as a guy who hasn't been to church since the last time the Warriors were good, someone saying that they're going to pray for you means that they want something about you to change.  By some accounts, Jackson really wasn't feeling "the gays."

And if this is true, it's probably going to become a thing about how a "God-fearing Christian man" lost his job because of his religious beliefs, and I'm going to start insulting people for being hypocrites again.  If it is true, Mark Jackson lost his job because he wouldn't shut the fuck up.  You can't go around insulting your boss, even if you believe your religion entitles you to shit on everyone else's lifestyle (it doesn't).  That's what this is about.  Mark Jackson isn't a victim when you put it like that.  Mark Jackson isn't even a man of conviction.  Mark Jackson is stupid.  Just because you believe something doesn't mean it needs to be said all the time. 

Besides, can you really get that mad about some religious guy getting fired by his openly gay boss?  It's actually kind of ironic, considering all of the roadblocks people are throwing up at gay people in the name of "religious freedom."  I almost hope this story is true, just so I can laugh at the people who get mad. 

But if it isn't true, then I retract all of that and I'll meet everyone at the picket line to cape up for Mark Jackson.  I'll have my trash can ready for optimal window-throwing and everything.  Promise.  

Friday, May 02, 2014

Darrell Trigg for President: Please let this happen.

We've reached that time when all manner of fringe elements have started declaring for the Presidential race.  Most of the people won't make it the distance because they don't have the resources to get onto the ballot (which is why we need electoral reform), or because they started running two years in advance and ran out of money.  And then, there are those who could have all the money they wanted and won't make it because they are just a fucking lunatic.  That's the category that Darrell Trigg falls into.

Darrell Trigg is an Engineering Consultant from Virginia, and I suspect that the only reason why this information got into his biography is because he had to prove that he wasn't some sort of drifter who killed an old widow for her money.  Aside from those four sentences, the other three pages are about how much he loves God.  Nothing wrong with that.  I just find it startling that a person who wants to be President has almost nothing to say about his employment history.  I mean, if you spend 30 years working at Target and now you want to be President, I'd like to know that, because if nothing else, I expect you to have good customer service skills. 

But Darrell is one of those kinds of people who really wants to be a pastor, but got the words mixed up and said "President" instead.  And being an old man, I see how something like that could happen.  When you see Darrell's platform, it'll all make sense, because this is a man whose only difference from the Taliban is that girls will still be able to go to school.  FOR NOW.

He wants to impose all kinds of holy restrictions upon all of us, and maybe 30 or 40 of you out there will think this is cool, but for the other 300 million, it's going to be a problem.  Well, not really, because it's not like this guy has a shot at winning, but if he did, someone would have him assassinated long before the election.  I'm not kidding.  If this man had a realistic shot at being seen on television outside of public access, he would alienate so many people that the Democrats and Republicans would forget about each other and tear this guy to pieces.  And now that I've said it, I truly hope to see something like that happen.

Thanks to The Everlasting GOP Stoppers and Joe My God for bringing this guy to my attention.  His platform is below and in italics, and I'll be chiming in here and there. 

1. Separation of Church and State will be changed to the Union of Church and State. God will be asked to be an integral part of the government of the U.S.
  • The national religion of The United States of America will be the Christian religion . Those belonging to other religions, such as Islam, will be free to live and worship here as now, with their own religion;  however, the Christian religion will be the one chosen to form the basic moral principles of our nation, to give it a strong moral foundation, and a right relationship with God.
See, right away, you'd think that he'd be cool with Republicans, because this is what they claim to want.  But don't you worry; this cozy relationship won't last long. 

2.  Public Schools – all schools supported by the U.S. Federal and State tax systems: 
  • The Bible will be a standard required subject in all public schools and universities, for all grades , the same as English and Math.
  • Each day of school will begin with prayer and the Pledge of Allegiance. 
  • The salary and total compensation package of school teachers will be increased.
  • The total budget for our school system will be increased.
  • The school day will include one period of physical education that includes 30 minutes of exercise four days per week.
There are actually some good ideas in here that aren't really ideas, but instead empty platitudes.  The people who would support increasing teacher salaries and school budgets have already checked out, though, because there's already too much religion in this.  I'd be surprised if they haven't already burst into flames.  Personally, I wish a motherfucker would tell me that my kid had to learn the Bible.  Hell, I'd make sure I was in college during his presidency just so I could tell him "fuck you" when he tried to make me learn it.  Digging myself further into debt would be totally worth it. 

3.  Homosexuality will not be recognized legally, or in any other manner, by the United States government or any state, city, or county government.
 
4. Public - Traded Corporations :
  • The income and other compensation,  received by the managers and officers of public - traded corporations will be limited to $300,000 per year. 
...and now, the Republicans have turned on him.  It was all good just a bullet point ago.  Hating gays, forcing the Bible on folks, that was cool.  But you want to limit our--I mean, corporate pay?  I hope your affairs are in order, Mr. Trigg.  And it just goes downhill from here. 

5.  The income of coaches of sports teams at universities will be limited to $300,000 per year .

Yeah fucking right.  They'd let Jerry Sandusky go back to Penn State before this ever happened.
 
6.  The legal drinking age will be increased to 25 for any alcoholic beverage. 
  • Alcohol will not be allowed on university campuses.
Because alcohol is allowed there now.  Please don't think your Bible is going to keep college students from getting fucked up.  Also, you just lost their vote, too.  They weren't even listening until you said this.

7.   Marriage and the family will be protected by the following :
  • Marriage will be defined as the union of one woman with one man.
  • The legal age for marriage will be 22.
  • A couple wishing to get married must first attend Christian marriage counseling classes.
  • Divorce will only be allowed in cases of abuse, infidelity, or incarceration. 
  • The penalties for abuse and infidelity will include large fines and jail time.
  • Married couples who become pregnant must attend Christian parenting classes.
Uh-huh.  You got it, chief.  Especially that divorce part.  That genie isn't going back in the bottle.  Or maybe I should say "toothpaste" so you don't feel the need to tell me that genies are agents of Satan. 

8.  The rating system for movies and T.V. shows will be drastically overhauled :
  • No show or movie will be allowed on T.V. systems or computer systems accessible by homes that contain nudity, strong sexual content, excessive foul language, blasphemy, or any form of homosexuality.
This is the statement of a man who doesn't understand how technology works.  I'm tickled that he specified that this stuff wouldn't be "accessible by homes," though, because I read that to mean that this is what he'll be looking at inside the Oval Office. 

9.  Abortion will only be legal in situations where the child has a small probability of living and the pregnancy is placing the life of the mother in extreme risk.

He's actually to the left of much of the Republicans here.  Go figure.  YOU SOCIALIST SCUM.
 
10.  Industries in the United States ( U.S.)  that have suffered from foreign competition with much lower labor pay rates, lower employee compensation costs, and lower environmental compliance costs will be assisted and protected. Assistance will include financial help in building or refurbishing manufacturing plants and training employees and low capital gains taxes. Protection will include tariffs on imported goods in order to establish a market fair for these U.S. industries. These tariffs will be used to help prevent inflation on these manufactured goods.

This is him begging for lobbyist money, because American industries ARE their foreign competition.  Either that or he truly doesn't understand how outsourcing works.  I'm so cynical that I really believe it's the first one.

11.  The Welfare Department will be overhauled. This overhaul will include training welfare recipients for jobs that match their abilities. The financial responsibilities of caring for children of mothers who are not married will be shared by the father .

I wonder if he realizes how socialist he sounds, except that the 30 minute video he posted to announce his candidacy suggests that he isn't self-aware at all.</aThe first part is actually a good idea that President Obama has been trying to get in place for a while now.  The second part, is pretty random and also what is supposed to be happening already--child support.  Perhaps you've heard of it.  

12. The insurance and medical system of the U.S. will be overhauled. Employers will be required to provide insurance for their employees. The costs of medical services and pharmaceuticals will be reviewed. These will be offered at a fair price without excessive profit for the providers.

If the corporations don't get you for limiting their pay, then Big Pharma certainly will.  Sir, don't say this stuff in public, because your life will be in danger. 

 
13. Illegal immigration laws will be enforced . Laws will be passed to assist this enforcement.
14. Several laws will be reviewed, including several statute -of-limitations.
15. Marijuana will not be legal  except for medicinal purposes.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.  Look, Trigg, I just don't want to see you waste your money here.  Just stop.  I know you said that God wants you to be President, but God has met us, even if you haven't.  He's clearly playing a practical joke on you, which I think he does from time to time.  All of these people out here claiming that God told you to do something, I think he just wants to see if you'll actually do it.  There's no way he really thinks you're going to become President until all 300 million of us die first.  And if that's what actually happens, you'll just be the leader of about 40 people until Mexico claims the empty husk that was America.  

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

The Donald Sterl-mancipation

So I guess I'm supposed to be happy that Donald Sterling got a lifetime ban from the NBA.  Yeah, that's fantastic, considering that his days on this earth are probably in the single digits, anyway.  It's a lifetime ban for a person without much life left.  And he still owns the team, so all Adam Silver really did was tell him he can't come to the stadium.  When you buy Clippers merch or tix, you're still putting money in his pocket. And speaking of money, on a percentage basis, the amount that he got fined is about the same as you being fined around $20. 

Yeah, we got a huge win today.

But during a few checks on social media when I was supposed to be working, I see y'all out here acting like we just got emancipated.  Like it was the OJ verdict all over again.  And I gotta ask, what are you so happy about?

Now, I'm not one of these people who's gonna try to ruin your good mood by saying that there are more important things to be concerned with.  Those people are assholes, because of course there's always something to be more concerned with. It's just that there hasn't been much change on the Keystone XL Pipeline and Congress still isn't passing any bills.  And since The Walking Dead still hasn't come back, we're pretty starved for excitement.

No, I'm going to ruin your good mood by telling you that this is nothing to be happy about, because Donald Sterling didn't get banned because he's a racist.  Donald Sterling got banned because it became big news that he was a racist. 

Donald Sterling was a racist a long time before now, and there were a whole lot of incidents that he was involved in that were reported on and promptly ignored.  The only difference between this one and all of those was how you found out about it.  The other ones came out through lawsuits and court depositions and OH MY GOD THIS IS SO BORINGZZZZZZZZZZZZ. This one came out because his jump off (I refuse to call her anything else) goaded him into talking about black people so she could record it and leak it to TMZ.  Already, this story is more sexy.  Certainly, sexier than she is.  She looks like she used to be a man. 

All of a sudden, Donald Sterling is an embarrassment and needs to be removed, but wasn't he just as embarrassing, if not more so back in 2009, when he paid out the largest settlement on housing discrimination lawsuit ever?  Or what about those sexual harassment suits?  His callous nature when it came to evicting tenants?  The time that he made his wife pose as a government worker and visit the residents of his buildings to find out what race they were, so he could evict them?  Refusing to rent to Blacks or Latinos at all?  Donald Sterling has been a horrible piece of shit racist for a long time.  So really, it should insult all of you that this is what it took to bring him down. 

You mean to tell me that the NBA didn't know about any of this?  And that his racist views expressed in a private conversation is worse than the stuff listed above that the NBA certainly knows about?  The NBA doesn't care that Donald Sterling is racist.  The NBA cares that you know he's racist.  If this was about his racism, they would have banned him in 1983 when he asked Rollie Massamino, "I wanna know why you think you can coach these niggers."

The truth is, if Donald Sterling's jump off was a woman of a higher character, you wouldn't know anything that he said and they wouldn't have done anything.  Period.  Despite the fact that he's continued to make himself rich by denying living space to minorities.  Despite the fact that he's sexually harassed women in his employ.  Adam Silver can get in front of reporters and make his dramatic statements, but the truth is, it wasn't a problem for them before.  It only became a problem when it became public.

And the same goes for all of these sponsors who cut ties with the Clippers.  If y'all don't stop acting like you have morals.  Every one of you is a conglomerate of corrupt pieces of shit.  Every one of you knew who Sterling was and chose to sign deals with him anyway, because OOH LOOGIT BLAKE GRIFFIN JUMPS HIGH.  And now that everyone knows that he's a bigot, you don't want your brand associated with him.  Good thing those lawsuits got swept under the rug, otherwise, you would have been forced to leave all that money on the table.  So CarMax, State Farm, Kia, Corona, AQUAhydrate. Red Bull, Sprint, Lumber Liquidators,  LoanMart, Yokohama Tires, Samsung, Mercedes-Benz, and Virgin America, you ain't shit.  Not a single one of you.

So don't get too excited about all of this.  All that happened is that they reminded you what their real priorities are.  No progress has been made.  Unless you're Donald Sterling's jump off.  She's about to come up when she gets that spot on Basketball Wives.

Friday, April 04, 2014

I totally get your Kardashian anger, Vogue readers.

Some people wonder why you wasted all that time being upset about Kim Kardashian on the Vogue cover.  "She's just getting her money and not hurting anyone." Someone probably told you to stop hating, because they have no idea how to form a legitimate argument.  But I understand, Vogue readers.  That's right, Thad Ochocinco, sporadic blogger who knows nothing about anything outside of sports or comic books, feels your pain. 

To sum it all up, It's worlds colliding, except no one asked or wanted them to. 

See, on some level, people read shit like Vogue so they don't have to deal with lowbrow shit like the Kardashians.  It's supposed to be a safe space away from all of that.  People who like the Kardashians have the E! Network, where they can have all of the Kardashians and Chelsea Handler and Joan Rivers that they can handle.  The rest of us program our cable boxes to skip over the E! Network, because ignorance of what is on that channel is bliss.  "You keep that over there, and I'll stay over here."  "I don't bother you and you don't bother me."  It was like a storefront church in the middle of a red light district, except that in this metaphor, the Kardashians are actually the church and the red light district is the rest of the free world.  You know, come to think of it, maybe this metaphor doesn't work.

But to stick with it, say the church starts venturing out to convert the people.  Now, my ambisexual S&M Massage parlor isn't hurting anyone, but here comes this nun, trying to save souls, which kills my business.  She's making people think that there's something wrong with the sexual gratification of a massage while being whipped by a person of an unidentifiable sex.  But we had an understanding:  You keep inside the church, and I won't have your building firebombed by the mob underboss who controls this neighborhood.  Basically, this metaphor can also double as the pitch for Quentin Tarantino's Sister Act.

That's what's happening here.  Kim Kardashian is invading what was supposed to be a Kardashian-free zone, and we all deserve one of those, because without it, we're likely to devolve into whatever we call people from Tennessee.  She's breaking the terms of the agreement, and a lot of people are upset.  True, it wasn't her decision (the editor of Vogue said this would never happen, then magazine sales got low), but Vogue readers didn't want this.  Vogue readers (I guess, because I don't know any) believe that they're too high class to watch a show about two sisters smelling each other's vagina sweat (this actually happened on "Keeping Up With the Kardashians").  When the bar is that low, I'm not gonna say that they're wrong for feeling that way.

Usually, when worlds collide, something good comes out of it, like when the Justice League fought the Avengers, when Larry Bird played against Magic Johnson, when Spider-Man started selling Twinkies in the 1970s.  That was both adventurous and delicious.  This is more like what happened to Ashlee Simpson at the Orange Bowl.  Or when RoboCop showed up on WCW Capital Combat.   Yeah, worlds were colliding, but in the same way that the world of sports cars sometimes collide with the world of the underside of a truck.  There was symbolic blood everywhere that night, and it was in the form of Sting's expression when he realized that he was actually standing in front of people pretending to be saved by RoboCop.

So I understand the anger of Vogue readers, and you should, too.  For all everyone's talk of "She's just doing her thing, let her make her money," or whatever stupid shit people say to make it appear like they're above it all, you know you'd be pissed if someone tried to feature her useless ass in three episodes of The Walking Dead. 

Thursday, February 13, 2014

No One Cares If You Approve Of Their Life Choices

It's pretty common these days to say, "I just don't agree with his lifestyle," as if people are sitting around waiting for your fucking approval.  You usually hear this in conversations about gay people or gay marriage, but I don't see why people even waste time thinking about it.  Gay people haven't gotten the approval of lots of people in human history, and it hasn't curbed the inherent lust for same-sex flesh even a little bit.  So clearly, they're not waiting for you to give the thumbs up. 

In fact, the more people that come out against gay activities has led to a response in the other direction:  More gay people are being openly gay.  The idea that you think your approval is needed has actually drawn more gay people out of hiding.

Back when people didn't talk about gay sex so much, because everyone was sexually repressed, gay people just kept quiet and snuck off to their bathhouses or the Blue Oyster, or wherever gay people got together.  But now that gay sex is on everyone's lips, gay people decided to fight back.  And yes, that particular phrasing was done on purpose.  

See, you don't have to approve of anything, because it's still going to happen.   For instance, I don't approve of bigotry, but it hasn't stopped you from saying stupid shit about gay people, has it?  In fact, to drive the point home, try that strategy in other scenarios to demonstrate how effective it is.  Next time a bear attacks you or a guy tries to rob your house, you should tell them, "I don't approve of this lifestyle choice," and report back here to let me know if it prevented you from getting shot or eaten.  My thinking is that I won't ever hear from you again.


That's why, despite this overt lack of approval, we still have gay people.  The arrogance needed to believe that approval matters is why we still have thickheaded people walking around worrying about cock-ravenous gay men attacking them in showers and alleyways.  I wish bigots understood how funny it is to listen to them fear the lustful urges of gay men without ever considering that:

A: Gay men might also have self control.

B: The bigot in question probably isn't even their type.  

Instead of saying that you "approve" or "agree" with something, you should really ask yourself if you do or don't care.  If you don't care, then you generally don't give a shit, and never think up stupid phrases like, "I don't agree with his lifestyle," or "What if he looks at me in the shower?" If you do care, then you probably give more thought to the activities of gay men than actual gay men do.  At this point, you have to ask yourself why you care so much what gay men are doing.  The answer is either one of those things:  You're fucking ignorant, or you're...you know, curious. 

You probably also assume that your own life is worthy of approval.  It probably isn't.  You probably cheat on your wife, or steal pens from your job, or vote Republican, or contribute to Love & Hip-Hop's ratings.  Maybe you drink too much, or let your kids sag their jeans, or cheer for John Cena.  Any number of things that deserve to be frowned upon.  By my standards, I think that saying kind words about Justin Bieber should come with a mandatory jail sentence.  And if you're thinking right now that it isn't about your standards, but the standards of your religion: I don't approve of your religion.  Odds are, it's a manmade invention designed to placate the masses so they don't attack their wealthy overlords.  It probably has a well-entrenched history of murder, genocide, racism, and misogyny, and in the modern age, does nothing but drive wedges in between people and/or hides pedophiles from justice. 

So instead of wasting all that time and energy being judgmental (because this is a game that we can all play), why not just go live your life and let everyone else live theirs?  All of that focus on manlove is time you could be spending inventing a Fruity Pebbles drink, or an iPad that does more than waste time.  We don't need another person trying to stand in the way of other people's happiness, but we can always use another person who really couldn't give two fucks what's happening in someone else's bedroom.


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

On Marcus Smart, Jeff Orr, and Acting An Ass At Basketball Games

If you taunt, berate, out belittle athletes in games, it says a lot about how you view them. To you, they're not people. They're chattel. Hired entertainment. Dancing monkeys. They don't become real until they come onto the stands. Like Mos Def said, "The hardheaded always gotta feel it to believe it." 

A thorough, well-earned, ass-whooping will end a lot of this. The average fan really doesn't wanna risk the possibility that security will get there before they eat that two-piece.  It's all fun and games until that ass is getting tenderized. I think we all understand that most fans are pussy, even in this shit-talking, rude, and insulting environment we call "America in 2014."  Everybody talks, but almost nobody really wants to back it up, which is part of the reason why gun sales are up.  The threat of backing up shit-talk without a gun would eliminate all but the most "bout that life" fans from getting disrespectful. The people who want to fight would just have to become the hazard of doing business, I guess.

Still, we can't have that. Letting players to go after pieces of shit in the stands is a horrible business plan, because unlicensed dentistry in a public place isn't really a selling point.  No matter how right the player may be (I still think that Dikembe should have been allowed to punch that dude for calling him a monkey), that kind of stuff has to be deterred. Otherwise, players will think that it's normal to run in the stands and people will stop coming to games.  This isn't wrestling, where the fight coming into the stands is a good thing.  Patting the participants on the back will just make you part of the fight.  And the first time a totally innocent fan gets hit by a player, that fan will suddenly own a piece of the team and start making all the stupid trades that you and your friends talk about during flag football.  So what's the solution, then?

There isn't one. I think we all understand that human beings are terrible creatures, most of which don't deserve the basic decency that they think they're entitled to. I work in a field where all I do is deal with entitled, shitty, people who think they're better than me because I have on work boots.  I see it all the time.  You're condescending, arrogant, and rude.  Just look at how you act when you go to a restaurant, or heaven forbid, Wal-Mart.  You don't deserve any kindness, especially after you answered your phone in the movie theater.  Dear People of America: Generally speaking, you're pieces of shit.  Okay, you might not set car bombs, kick puppies, or use the n-word, but those aren't the only things you can do to be considered a terrible person. 

So expecting the paying customer to improve his own behavior is a fool's errand.  The leagues still need to get something in place to deal with this, because it's gotten ridiculous. Basically, the leagues (Really, just the NBA and college basketball, because it's no coincidence that the leagues where the players have weapons also have barriers between players and fans) need to empower players to get fans ejected.

Tell the players that if someone is getting out of line, they can pull a ref to the side, point the person out, the ref will eject the fan, and security will throw him out on his ass.  It should be that simple. I doubt the players would lie on fans, because they've got out things going on, like the game happening around them.  They don't have time to pick out fans to eject so you can confirm your victimization bias.  Truth is, do you know how big of an asshole you have to be to get the attention of someone on the court, let alone make them try to come after you?  And while the players run the risk of identifying the wrong person, after throwing down $1,000 on courtside tickets, the fans standing around the right person will make sure that they stand out.  Watching everybody turn into snitches will be part of the fun of a program like this.

And to get an athlete in the middle of a game so upset that they want to put their hands on you is hard to do.  I know, because I've tried, and I assure you, it takes more than effort and a big mouth.  When I was in college, my friend Mike and I used to sit courtside at our team's basketball games and go in on people.  To us, it was all in fun, but we were assholes, plain and simple.  It got to the point where it was secondary to the game.  We just wanted to insult people.  We felt like we were creating the homecourt advantage that Jackson State desperately needed (because we weren't getting better players any time soon).  And to show how stupid our asses were, we yelled at the referees more than anyone else.  The same referees that could have put us out at any time, and here we are, making fun of their shoes and pants. To their credit, they never reacted, and I know they heard us. 

They should have put us out. I would have. If it had been me, i would have tried to get is banned from the building. What we did was uncalled for.  Fun at the time, because we were stupid 20 year olds, but uncalled for.

So I get why people do it when they're young.  I wouldn't do that now, because I'm mentally well-adjusted.  You're supposed to grow out of this kind of shit, but the people who seem to wind up in these incidents now are all 40 and 50 year old men.  I guess it's empowering to feel like you can yell at these people and they can't do shit, but how emasculated do you have to be in your personal life to think that insulting rich athletes is a healthy outlet?  Who told you your dick was small, Jeff Orr?

Because it isn't about the money that they paid for tickets that makes people feel empowered to act like that.  Hell, we got in free to our games and we were practically standing on the court.  I think that making it about the money paid just gives them an excuse.  No, they're just shitty people.  I bet they treat wait staff at restaurants the same way.  It has nothing to do with the tickets.  There are hundreds of other people in that same section who paid just as much who didn't incite a player to jeopardize his paycheck, scholarship, or legal freedom just for the chance to crack them across the jaw. 

Knowing that, I won't blame Marcus Smart for shoving that asshole, because I've been that asshole. Jeff Orr had that coming, and probably more, just like i did. We can't keep going through life thinking that, just because someone is doing something for us, be it entertaining us or working on our behalf, rich or poor, that we can just treat them with disrespect.  You might think you're above them in that instance, but a fist to the face will put you on the same level real quick.