How to dispose of your wild animals before you kill yourself

Look, if you're gonna own a bunch of wild animals, become suicidal, and decide to free all your animals before you kill yourself, presumably because you want them to taste some freedom, then you're a stupid asshole.

First of all, if you were so concerned about the freedom of animals, you wouldn't have held giant jungle cats locked up in your backyard. But let's say you didn't think that part up until later, so you think that freeing them at the end is a good idea. You don't live on the plains of the Serengeti. You live in fucking Ohio. There are cars and police and a SEVERE love of guns in this country. There's no way those animals were going to do anything but get killed. What did you think would happen, that they'd get away? Maybe sneak aboard a tramp steamer and have an adventure, where they learn the value of friendship with a ragtag crew of merchant marines, who take them back to Africa? I should speak low; DreamWorks might be hunting for a premise for Madagascar 5.

So for the next idiot who decides to set his savage killing machines loose in America for ANY reason, just keep in mind that if you're actual concerned about their safety, you'd leave them locked up so some nature preserve can come and get them instead of forcing police to shoot them in the streets. You cunt.

Finally Famous Vol. 3 Micro Review

I got about eight songs in on Big Sean's Finally Famous Vol. 3 mixtape before I had to stop. This is all I heard:

"I'm so clean, I'm so clean. BITCHES. I slept with your girlfriend. MONEY. I'm from Detroit, I'm from Detroit. DETROIT."

I have no hope for the future.

Booing is nothing. Meeka Claxton got off easy.

...and to think, if not for Twitter, I wouldn't have known anything about this. Damn you, Twitter.

Anyway, Meeka Claxton, from that show Basketball Wives, where self-entitled rich cunts act like cunts for the world's entertainment, got booed when she tried to step outside of the show's cunty confines and do something worthwhile. She recently appeared at a Clark-Atlanta charity event to show support for HBCUs and was essentially told "fuck you" by the crowd, forthwith and without hesitation.

I guess we're supposed to feel sorry for her or something, but I don't. And I shouldn't. Look at the show she's on. The few minutes of the show I have seen, it was just spoiled, rich women with no redeeming qualities fighting with each other. One evening while fixing cable at a customer's house, this show was on and the ease with which it set back black women in America made me angry. If all of these women turned up dead tomorrow, I would just assume that they had it coming.

Shows like this are why God has turned his back on America. That's why I went outside and cut the lady's cable off completely until I was done working.

But some people actually defend Claxton, claiming that it's just entertainment and that we shouldn't keep her in that box when she isn't on TV. She's an entrepreneur in her own right, worth $7 million dollars, and is the only "Basketball Wife" that is still married to the man allowed her to qualify, Speedy Claxton. And really, Speedy Claxton spent so much of his career injured that he barely counts as a basketball player.

Thing is, she's on a "reality" show, which is passed off by the television networks as "reality." While most of the situations are set up by producers, she's still the one passing off her image as "reality." These people are not actors. This is supposed to be who they are. So, should we really be surprised that people are treating her like this in the real world? People treat Casey Anthony like she's a psychopath and a murderer because they believe she is, based on what they learned about her on TV. What have they learned about Meeka Claxton?

Based on the two and a half minutes of research I did on her, she is the one that "everyone loves to hate" on Basketball Wives, according to Eurweb.com. They go on to state that "Meeka’s best known for her backstabbing, social jocking, and gossiping mouth. She also had a weave-pulling fight with fellow cast member Tami Roman in the Rome, Italy episode." So they basically learned that she is a terrible human being. She's lucky that all the crowd did was boo. In a world where people will throw their own feces at Tila Tequila, she should be thanking the crowd that all they did was try to let her know what trashy person she is.

Who am I to make such judgments on her personality when I've never met her? I don't have to meet her. She's on a reality show, giving the show's producers consent to present that image of her as reality. Based on that, there is nothing about her that demands respect of any kind.

It's not like she's a soap opera star, playing a character written for her. Only crazy people confuse that with being reality. On this show, she's being herself, right? So that means she acts like this whether the cameras are rolling or not. She can't be too concerned with how she's seen, or she wouldn't allow that to be all that the public sees of her. Or to be more direct, no one is looking to treat Snooki respectfully, either. Nor should you. If a person presents themselves as an asshole at every turn, why would you respect them? There's probably something wrong with you if you do.

Understand this, Meeka, no one cares who you are because you're worth $7 million, and are a self-made successful businesswoman. They know you for willingly and gleefully being a bitch on TV. Therefore, you should expect to be treated like a bitch in the street, just like policemen expect to be treated like policemen and Snookis expect to be treated like drunken whores. If that's not who you really are, then stop acting like that's who you really are. To people who watch the show, you are that person. Just be glad that they don't stone you. I'm sure it has correctly crossed their minds.

A Black Spider-Man Won't Be So Bad

Here lately, Marvel and DC have been making a few efforts to diversify their lineup of characters. Batman has been hooked up with a black guy named Bat-Wing. Mr. Terrific is getting his own book (that's likely to be cancelled within months, not because he's black, but because it's a book about a guy who's really, really smart). But the most controversial addition seems to be in Marvel's Ultimate Universe. Ultimate Spider-Man is now a Blaxican. Well, I guess he's Mexican. He's half-Black, half-Hispanic. I suppose I shouldn't assume.

From the few comments I read over at the IGN comment section, Miles Morales isn't going to be well-received. They don't like the forced diversity and feel that instead of just changing characters into black people, they should create original characters to reflect the diversity that Marvel and DC are trying to portray. One guy (I couldn't be bothered to go back and read his name; let's call him MrFantastic420) even said that changing Spider-Man into a black/Hispanic guy isn't true diversity at all.

And that shit is goddamn stupid.

Look, no one said anything about Spider-Man 2099 being a half-Puerto Rican Irishman named Miguel O'Hara, and it's the exact same thing. Furthermore, Nick Fury was turned into Samuel L. Jackson, and that was considered to be the most brilliant thing since we climbed out of the primordial ooze because we figured out that we didn't have gills. And that wasn't changing a guy's secret identity, that was changing the guy from Knight Rider into the guy from Pulp Fiction.

But that last point intrigues me: How is that not true diversity in comics? I mean, there's a black guy there where there didn't used to be a black guy. That's one more black guy than was there yesterday.

It's something that has been done before in comic books without controversy. Superman was replaced by four people once, and one of those guys was black. Ted Kord was replaced as Blue Beetle by a Hispanic teenager. Firestorm's two white guys were replaced by a black kid and his Asian girlfriend. It's nothing new. Tony Stark was replaced as Iron Man by James Rhodes. Hal Jordan was replaced as Green Lantern in the comics AND on the cartoon by John Stewart.

I guess it never bothered anyone that Rhodey was Iron Man or that John Stewart was GL, because we always knew that Stark and Hal would be back. But Ultimate Peter Parker is Ultimate Dead, which means, he isn't coming back. I suppose that's why it's a problem. Ultimate Spider-Man is an Ultimate Blaxican. Or Blackarican. Whatever.

But it's not Spider-Man. This is ULTIMATE Spider-Man. He's like, Earth-2 Spider-Man. And that's kind of the point of the character, and the universe, for that matter. They can try things that they couldn't do in the regular Marvel U without assholes claiming that someone just "spit in the eyes of continuity." That's why they have tidal waves wiping out whole superteams and Galactus existing as a swarm of bugs.

And while it's Ultimate Spidey and not regular Spidey, it's still a prominent position for a black man to be in. And Hispanic. Whatever. A black (Hispanic) man is now the top dog in a major comic universe. It's exactly like when Barack Obama become President, except that no one knows about it but comic nerds and the whole thing was made up. Okay, so maybe it's not like that at all. But it kinda is. A little.

It's makes sense to do something like this, because it's boring and predictable to make Spidey ANOTHER white guy. That's something that Captain America or Batman do (and DID. Even though it makes complete sense for a black man to be Batman. We merge into the shadows easier). Besides, creating whole lines of Black characters was also tried. How many years did Milestone last? Creating Black characters for the sake of doing it isn't a good idea, because that's how you get abortions like Rage and Night Thrasher. But in this case, it sounds like they have a story they're trying to tell, so I'm in.

It's so easy to write the whole thing off as "They're fucking fake, losers," but as a black comic nerd, I understand better than most what it's like to be force fed another minority hero. It's offensive and insulting. For a long time, I hated Luke Cage. HATED HIM. Luke Cage, Roadblock from GI Joe, The Junkyard Dog. All the time, I thought, "Why do you they all have to rhyme and dance? And what the fuck does 'jive' mean?" I was a very detailed thinker as an eight year old. But I wondered why black people couldn't just be heroes. Why do they have to be BLACK heroes? Where was my Superman? Where was my Hulk Hogan?

Here's hoping that for a younger generation of minority comic book readers, Ultimate Spider-Man (and Firestorm and Blue Beetle) can be just that.

And even at it's worst, it can't reached the depths of the time they turned the Punisher black. I'm still mad about that one.

Terrorists + Explosives + MIcrosurgery = Safe Americans

So terrorists are looking to surgically implant bombs inside of their bodies. At first, I was a little worried about this. I mean, we are living in the future now. Microsurgery is as common today as amateur porn is with college girls. It's everywhere. I mean, I had microsurgery three times today before the sun came up.

But then, four seconds passed and I realized that this plan isn't likely to get off the ground. I spent more time thinking up that "amateur porn" reference than I spent being worried. After all, these are the same people who have yet to master exploding shoe OR exploding underwear technology. Not only that, back in Afghanistan, one of the things they enjoy blowing up is hospitals. The secrets of microsurgery will probably keep stumping them until they can rightfully die filled with bullets.

As soon as I heard that they were trying to do this, I could almost envision the scene in front of me: A group of men huddled around a TV, watching a bootleg of The Dark Knight. They see the part where the guy shows up in jail with an exploding cell phone lodged in his stomach. One man gets up and starts screaming excitedly, then the mob burns down the building in celebration. Happens just like that all the time.

Trust me, terrorists: That. WILL NOT. Work. But feel free to try. I figure you'll blow up at least 75-100 of your own before you realize that this isn't working out as planned.

A Non-Douchey Reason Not to Watch The NFL Draft

Look, I'm not gonna knock anyone for watching the NFL Draft. There's no accounting for some people's tastes. I mean, let's be honest: "Real Housewives" became a franchise, and that was nothing more than selfish, middle-aged, plastic surgery victims drinking and yelling at each other. So, it's not like anyone in this country can really knock anyone else for their viewing choices. At least people who watch the NFL Draft have a legitimate reason for doing it. I don't watch it, but then again, I watch "TNA Impact" every week, and I know going in that no less than 60% of that show is complete crap. So it's not like my tastes are the standard by which all things should be judged.

But I'm begging you, if you love the NFL Draft, you'll stop watching it for a little while.

Think of this as a precautionary tale. I used to love the NBA All-Star Game, and so did a lot of other people. Then, corporate America noticed. Now, I have to watch ESPN pretend that Jon Barry in a Darth Vader mask is funny or some sideline reporter ask Jason Alexander what he thinks of the game. It is painful to watch, and they don't even have the good sense to put it on before the game, where I can cheerfully ignore it. Nope, it's right in the middle of the game, during the timeouts. Timeouts brought to you to Haier (the official refrigerator of the NBA).

The All-Star Game became a grand spectacle of commercialism, with product placements, celebrities in awkward comedy skits, and the goddamn musical acts. Now, I don't love the NBA All-Star Game as much anymore. It's become overblown and filled with horseshit.

There used to be a coolness about watching the best players get together and play a game. Now, it feels like the NBA is telling me, "Yes, this is cool, and you should watch." Instead of it just being a fun game, it's become "Must See TV," because the hype machine tells you that it is, and four months out, the promotion has already begun. And look, Beyonce! Because now, the game can't just speak for itself. The game needs to draw in all demographics, since basketball lovers just aren't enough.

The simplicity of a cool idea has been lost in all the glitz and glamour that's been artificially added (by Hyundai, the official midsize sedan of the NBA). Look, I just wanna watch a game. If I want to see Bruno Mars or Kanye West in their skinny jeans, pantomiming through their latest hit, then I know where to find them. There's MTV2, BET, VH-1, E!, radio stations, the VMAs; a ton of other places that make way more sense than a basketball game. Everything doesn't have to be an opportunity to sell me something.

And it's not just the All-Star Game. Look at the Super Bowl. Look at the BCS Championship. Look at Wrestlemania. Instead of just being about the game (or the matches), it always has to be a "larger-than-life, multimedia, grand-spectacular-extravaganza!" Brought to you by Texas Instruments, official calculator of the NBA.

The worlds don't always have to merge, but that's not how corporate America see it. There has to be synergy, and cross-demographic appeal, or some other words that I don't completely understand. I don't even know if the ones I threw out were right. And this is the future of the NFL Draft if it gets too popular.

They've already gotten ahold of the Super Bowl. Don't let them do the same to the NFL Draft. Because once they have Rebecca Black performing before the first pick (brought to you by Summer's Eve, the official douche of the NBA), it'll be too late. You're dealing with Corporate America here, and they don't learn. Remember, Ashlee Simpson was booed at the 2005 Orange Bowl, and they still trotted her out there for the 2007 Rose Bowl, where she got booed again. These are not smart people. They will RUIN your cool little private party.

So do yourself a favor, stop watching the NFL Draft. At least for a little while. Just read the Yahoo! Sports coverage or something. It's already setting ratings records, so time is short. Please. I'm trying to save you from THEM.

And it probably won't hurt for you to cut back on the Combine, too.

In Response to "The Chick-Fil-A Buycott." What a stupid name.

I’ve always wanted to do this. Well, ever since I read Drew Magary over at Kissing Suzy Kolber doing it.

Anyway, what follows is the text from the website www.afa.net, or the American Family Association. They’re organizing a “buycott” in support of Chick-Fil-A, because gay people are mad at Chick-Fil-A for not liking them. The text is unedited, with periodic breaks for my own commentary. It’s so much easier to respond to stupidity this way.

What is a BUYCOTT?

It is collectively showing appreciation for a company by purchasing their products or services – the opposite of a boycott.

Why BUYCOTT Chick-Fil-A?

You probably didn't hear about this on the evening news or read about it in the newspaper,

What? But the lamestream media should have been all over this! It involves those evil sodomites hating Christians for their love of God! That lovely Sarah Palin once said, “Gays masturbate all over the pages of the Bible.”

but after a Chick-fil-A restaurant in Pennsylvania donated some sandwiches and brownies to a marriage seminar hosted by the Pennsylvania Family Institute, pro-homosexual activists went ballistic. According to syndicated columnist Michelle Malkin:

Stop right there. There’s something to be said for considering the source, because if you’re starting off by quoting Michelle Malkin, you know you’re about to hear some lies. Its like holding up the word of Loki as the gospel.

Fact is, Chick-Fil-A has been financially supporting anti-gay politicians and Focus on the Family for a while now. Of course, it sounds much better to say the boycott happened because Chick-Fil-A was “donating sandwiches and brownies to a marriage seminar,” because it allows you to throw “because they hate marriage and God,” on the end of it.

• Several left-wing activist blogs launched an all-out attack on Chick-fil-A.

This is probably true. Because if someone was giving money to the Klan, I’d expect black people to boycott them. Gays are just like black people, in that they’re also people.

• Some started calling the company's main product "Jesus Chicken."

This is also probably true, and it’s pretty clever. You’d think they’d like this name, because if they actually had self-replicating chicken that allowed them to feed the masses, profits would skyrocket.

• They mocked and belittled the company's "Not Open on Sunday" policy.

To be fair, lots of people mock this policy, including people who like Chick-Fil-A’s food and fat people. At least a couple of those can be considered “Christian.”

• They smeared company employees, calling them "anti-gay."

This is most likely an exaggeration, but if anyone was going to be called “anti-gay,” it was probably the executives. I doubt anyone’s gonna run up in a Chick-Fil-A and call the 17-year-old behind the counter “anti-gay.” It’s not like they’re being asked to murder gay people. They’re just selling chicken.

• One individual – Michael Jones – started an online petition campaign "demanding" that Chick-fil-A renounce "extreme anti-gay groups."

And this is bad why? I mean, isn’t Focus on the Family considered “extremely anti-gay?” Oh, I get it: We all should support anti-gay groups, because that’s what Jesus would do.

• Users of Facebook organized witch hunts on college campuses.

Sure, they did. Facebook users organized mobs that hunted down innocent people and burned them at the stake. The police really shouldn’t have found out about it this way.

• In a feature article that ran in the New York Times' Sunday A-section, reporter Kim Severson attacked Chick-fil-A saying it is "anti-gay."

Well, all of the evidence points towards the Cathy family (the owners of Chick-Fil-A) being right-leaning, deeply religious, and supportive of conservative groups. So maybe they’re not “anti-gay.” Just “not in favor of their lifestyle,” which is totally different.

All that because one Chick-fil-A franchise donated a few sandwiches to a seminar aimed at helping couples strengthen their marriages.

If only that was all they did. Really, even gay people wish that straight couples would get their shit together, because they are RUINING the sanctity of marriage. Every little chick helps.

That reaction certainly seems like making a mountain out of a mole hill. You get the sense that there's more to this attack on Chick-fil-A than meets the eye. And you're right. There is.

Yeah, but it’s less about sandwiches and more about money towards anti-gay groups. Not that Michelle Malkin would tell you that. Her angry spittle washed all those pesky facts off of the page.

Chick-fil-A operates on Biblical principles and that irritates secularists

Because no pro-Christian propaganda would be complete without Christians playing the victim. Forget the fact that they actually are anti-gay. Gay people are not anti-Christian. They appear that way because they’re actually responding to the bullshit you brought to them. Otherwise, they’d just go on being gay and gay.

It’s stupid as shit to even suggest that Chick-Fil-A’s business practices are an actual reason, because no one cares about Chick-Fil-A being a Christian-run business. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t eat Chick-Fil-A because they read Bibles in their corporate boardrooms.” Perhaps they don’t because the sodium content is a touch high, however.

Secondly, I think it’s a safe bet that a huge percentage of the people that they paint as “secularists” are actually Christians. They’re just not sensitive assholes.

Thirdly, no one gets irritated by Christians for being Christians. It’s just when they start that whole, “The Bible says you shouldn’t do this,” crap that they become annoying. “Don’t put too much air in your tires, because Thessalonians 2:10 says this.” If you try hard enough, there’s a Bible verse against everything, and having someone throw that in your face all day is fucking annoying. Especially when the God you believe in isn’t nearly as anal. Besides, who wants to live in a world where they’re not allowed to enjoy anything? That’s what makes Christians annoying. And it only gets worse when they form those overbearing fundamentalist groups that don’t believe in the mantra “live and let live,” but instead, “legislate into submission.”

• For Example:
• Chick-fil-A plays Christian music in its restaurants ... exclusively.

Even Kirk Franklin? I never hear Kirk Franklin in Chick-Fil-A…and for that, I thank you.

• Chick-fil-A closes all its locations on Sunday ... no exceptions.

Again, only annoying to people who eat food.

• Chick-fil-A's stated corporate purpose is: 1) To glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us; and 2) To have a positive influence on all who come in contact with Chick-fil-A.

Sounds good on the surface, and in fairness, Chick-Fil-A is the only fast food spot that has never pissed me off. But can’t you glorify God after I’m done ordering? I don’t wanna get religion all over my food.