Yes, it should come to no surprise to anyone that Rob Parker is a goddamn idiot. As ESPN's premier sad sack (he reminds me of Grady from Sanford and Son), I've dreaded seeing him on TV for years and have wondered why they keep bringing him back. I'd rather have a show with two Bill Plaschkes than one with Rob Parker. He's not funny, witty, or insightful; He really just keeps talking until someone smarter interrupts him.
And that's usually what happens, because it's not like he brings anything important to the conversation. But the day he wants to talk about the "cornball brother," that's the time Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith pick to be like, "No, wait, I want to hear this."
It was stupid and ignorant, but not for the reasons that many might think. White folks, I appreciate your sensitivity in this matter (Fantastic, I sound like Skip Bayless), but Rob Parker isn't a racist. At least, not against black folks. I dunno how he feels about white folks. If you feel he is, I'm not about to defend him, because fuck that guy. But his words came from a place that a lot of black people like me have had to deal with. Those of us who have dared to step away from the group know his mindset all too well.
When I was growing up, I was always put to the side because of how I spoke, how I liked to read, and the things I was into. I couldn't (and still can't) dance. I liked rock and heavy metal. I read comic books. I didn't dress the same as everyone else, I wasn't particularly into sports, The Color Purple, breakdancing, whatever. I did my own thing. And because of that, I was labeled as a "black/white kid," I was "corny," I was "lame." I had a hard time making friends with black kids because our mindsets were so different. So, a lot of my friends wound up being white and I stuck out, no matter who I was with
To white people, this might not be a big deal, but with black people, we all tended to fit into a similar mold. We were supposed to be united as a people, which is understandable, considering our history. Look, when you're a segregated people with limited educational options in a hostile nation, you're probably going to have similar interests.
It's something a lot of us deal with to this day. Dating outside the race aside, black Republicans know what it's like to be called a sell-out for having a different viewpoint. Black atheists don't even have the acceptance of black Republicans, because too many of us just assume that we're all Christians. It's still kind of strange to see black people even riding skateboards. Really, when it comes to black people who live outside the norm, crackheads and gay people rank higher than Republicans and atheists. Despite the best efforts of Pharrell and Lupe Fiasco, skateboards are still written off as "white folks shit," just like "having sex in scary movies," and "investigating where the noise is coming from."
So, Robert Griffin III isn't dealing with anything new. He's just of a higher profile. If he is different from the norm, it'll be a good thing, because as an athlete, he's already forcing change. He's free to do his thing, because it's not like someone's actually going to write him off as a "cornball." Not while he's rich and famous. So, if he's into something weird, it's more likely to be accepted, and that can only help some kid coming up who's feeling left out. In a post-RGIII world, that kid might not be cast aside as a lame or a cornball. People might be like, "Hey, RGIII does that, too," and give this kid a chance.
And regardless of what he's into, he's still gonna be black. He's just being his own man. And these days, it really doesn't matter. Tiger Woods' insatiable love of white women, proper speaking voice, or complete disavowal of his African roots didn't stop black folks from supporting him. And it's not like melanin washes off. What people like Rob Parker don't get is that, it doesn't matter what music we listen to or who we date or who we vote for. I might not be in the NAACP, but I'm just as black as the next man. I just happen to have on a "Ranger Danger" t-shirt.
Just because we have common roots doesn't mean we are all identical. It's not like we all have a direct line to the projects, where our blackness can be verified. I don't know a single person in the projects. But I'm still black. Cultures change, and whether or not our "blackness" meets Rob Parker's standards is irrelevant. When did a baseball writer become the arbiter for "blackness," anyway?
See, he's got me doing it, too. Such an asshole.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Your good intentions aren't good enough
If
someone wishes you good tidings or happy feelings, it really shouldn't
matter what words they use. If it does, then you're a goddamn asshole.
This lady I had spoken with in Popeye's said to me before leaving, "Be blessed, beloved." She didn't know if I was a Christian or not (probably assumed I was, but whatever), but she took time out of her day to wish kindness upon me. I'm not a Christian, but I said back to her, "Same to you," because my mouth was full of food.
But if it hadn't been, I would have given that lady the business, because how dare she get her Jesusy words all over me? I get that she wanted to say something nice, but she should have said something that wouldn't offend my delicate, non-Christian sensibilities.
Hold up. I wouldn't have said anything like that, because I'm not a dick.
In this world we live in, though, people take offense at the stupidest things, and situations like this is one of them. Some people would actually be ready to throw down if someone gave them a Muslim greeting because they're not Muslim and they only accept kind words in their proper Christian form.
Who cares what package the sentiment comes in? They didn't have to say it at all. I really think some people would rather have a "fuck you, you fucking piece of shit," in English, than someone daring to speak kind words to them in Spanish or Arabic. That's how fucked up we've become.
And people are the worst around Christmastime, when stores break out the "Happy Holidays," and some asshole responds with a hostile, "Merry Christmas." It's like they're going, "I'll teach you to give me some secular holiday greeting, you tool of Satan. MERRY CHRISTMAS. Why haven't you burst into flames yet?"
I gotta tell you, if that's the battle you wanna fight, where everyone has to greet you in a form befitting your religious beliefs, then you might as well give up now, motherfucker, because this country is becoming more diverse everyday. Nobody has time to review your resume and tailor a personal greeting to you, based on what information turns up in your background check. All folks can do is say something based on what they know, and if that means you hear something that isn't what you already believe, then sack up and get on with your life. It's still a good intention, and that's gotta be worth something.
This lady I had spoken with in Popeye's said to me before leaving, "Be blessed, beloved." She didn't know if I was a Christian or not (probably assumed I was, but whatever), but she took time out of her day to wish kindness upon me. I'm not a Christian, but I said back to her, "Same to you," because my mouth was full of food.
But if it hadn't been, I would have given that lady the business, because how dare she get her Jesusy words all over me? I get that she wanted to say something nice, but she should have said something that wouldn't offend my delicate, non-Christian sensibilities.
Hold up. I wouldn't have said anything like that, because I'm not a dick.
In this world we live in, though, people take offense at the stupidest things, and situations like this is one of them. Some people would actually be ready to throw down if someone gave them a Muslim greeting because they're not Muslim and they only accept kind words in their proper Christian form.
Who cares what package the sentiment comes in? They didn't have to say it at all. I really think some people would rather have a "fuck you, you fucking piece of shit," in English, than someone daring to speak kind words to them in Spanish or Arabic. That's how fucked up we've become.
And people are the worst around Christmastime, when stores break out the "Happy Holidays," and some asshole responds with a hostile, "Merry Christmas." It's like they're going, "I'll teach you to give me some secular holiday greeting, you tool of Satan. MERRY CHRISTMAS. Why haven't you burst into flames yet?"
I gotta tell you, if that's the battle you wanna fight, where everyone has to greet you in a form befitting your religious beliefs, then you might as well give up now, motherfucker, because this country is becoming more diverse everyday. Nobody has time to review your resume and tailor a personal greeting to you, based on what information turns up in your background check. All folks can do is say something based on what they know, and if that means you hear something that isn't what you already believe, then sack up and get on with your life. It's still a good intention, and that's gotta be worth something.
Monday, March 05, 2012
100 Points Is Hard, Not Impossible
The sports writers of America have been asking themselves a question that's dumb as hell this week: Is it possible for anyone to ever score 100 points in a basketball game again?
The answer's obvious: Of course it's possible. And I know this because I understand what "impossible" means.
Flying is impossible. Running a 2 minute mile is impossible. Catching a meteor is impossible. If scoring 100 points in a basketball game was impossible, it wouldn't have happened the first time. Kobe Bryant's the proof that it'll happen again. Sure, he only scored 81 points in a game, right after scoring 60 points in three quarters just days before. But who gives a shit about that, right?
Thing is, Charles Barkley called Kobe's 81 "a perfect storm" right afterwards. I know many of the great mistakes we make in life start with quoting Charles Barkley, but he was right. And recreating that perfect storm happens more often than people think.
See, while Wilt's 100 and Kobe's 81 (and 60 in three quarters) are impressive, let's put this in perspective a little bit. Wilt was, and Kobe, is a supreme scoring machine. At the time, each of them was at his peak, and was putting up career high numbers. They were completely unstoppable. Players like this don't come along every day, but they do pop up from time to time. Michael Jordan was one. LeBron James could be one. Kevin Durant will likely be one. And who knows who's coming up in the world 10 or 15 years from now.
But while LeBron and Durant are talented enough, they're not selfish enough to pull something like that off. To score 100, you gotta be willing to say "fuck you" to your teammates for the night. That's what 100 (or 81) points is; a "fuck you" to team basketball. It doesn't matter what you see in front of you, you're jacking this bitch up. HARD. A LOT. Like the girl you've been after for years who finally says "yes." She, like this guy's jumper, is gonna have to dry all the way up before they stop.
But the other thing you need is to play against a shitty team. It's not like Wilt dropped that 100 in the playoffs. He did it on a random night in March. Against the Knicks. And not the Knicks when they were good. These Knicks went on to win 32 games that season, so it's not like he dropped 100 on a good team. I don't think they even had a guy above 6'9". And Kobe's 81? That happened against the Toronto Raptors. I can't even be bothered to look up their record, because they always suck.
The thing about shitty teams is that they're always plentiful, especially in this watered down league. Michael Jordan's Bobcats are 4-23 right now, and it seems like there's a team that's challenging for the futility record on a yearly basis. Unless the league contracts (and it never will, because David Stern pisses on your concerns of quality basketball), there will always be a team bad enough to have DJ Augustin as their best player.
That's the perfect storm right there. A team so bad that they couldn't stop Matt Bonner from getting 40 on a given night, against a player so unstoppable that the best anyone else was going to do was stop him from getting 60.
These sportswriters think it'll never happen, though. They say that no professional will ever allow that to happen. And I say that's crazy talk. One, you can never rule out the incompetence of a general manager to saddle a coach with crap players. For all you know, they're trying to pull a "Major League." Second, Sam Mitchell, coach of the Raptors when Kobe caused his team to consider retirement, said that they tried everything. He said they did everything that they could and it didn't matter. It's not like they wanted Kobe to drop 81 on them. He just did it. And there was only so much that they could do, because defensive rules today are softer than a second-string field goal kicker. I guess the sportswriters are banking on someone taking the scorer out with a steel chair during a timeout.
The answer's obvious: Of course it's possible. And I know this because I understand what "impossible" means.
Flying is impossible. Running a 2 minute mile is impossible. Catching a meteor is impossible. If scoring 100 points in a basketball game was impossible, it wouldn't have happened the first time. Kobe Bryant's the proof that it'll happen again. Sure, he only scored 81 points in a game, right after scoring 60 points in three quarters just days before. But who gives a shit about that, right?
Thing is, Charles Barkley called Kobe's 81 "a perfect storm" right afterwards. I know many of the great mistakes we make in life start with quoting Charles Barkley, but he was right. And recreating that perfect storm happens more often than people think.
See, while Wilt's 100 and Kobe's 81 (and 60 in three quarters) are impressive, let's put this in perspective a little bit. Wilt was, and Kobe, is a supreme scoring machine. At the time, each of them was at his peak, and was putting up career high numbers. They were completely unstoppable. Players like this don't come along every day, but they do pop up from time to time. Michael Jordan was one. LeBron James could be one. Kevin Durant will likely be one. And who knows who's coming up in the world 10 or 15 years from now.
But while LeBron and Durant are talented enough, they're not selfish enough to pull something like that off. To score 100, you gotta be willing to say "fuck you" to your teammates for the night. That's what 100 (or 81) points is; a "fuck you" to team basketball. It doesn't matter what you see in front of you, you're jacking this bitch up. HARD. A LOT. Like the girl you've been after for years who finally says "yes." She, like this guy's jumper, is gonna have to dry all the way up before they stop.
But the other thing you need is to play against a shitty team. It's not like Wilt dropped that 100 in the playoffs. He did it on a random night in March. Against the Knicks. And not the Knicks when they were good. These Knicks went on to win 32 games that season, so it's not like he dropped 100 on a good team. I don't think they even had a guy above 6'9". And Kobe's 81? That happened against the Toronto Raptors. I can't even be bothered to look up their record, because they always suck.
The thing about shitty teams is that they're always plentiful, especially in this watered down league. Michael Jordan's Bobcats are 4-23 right now, and it seems like there's a team that's challenging for the futility record on a yearly basis. Unless the league contracts (and it never will, because David Stern pisses on your concerns of quality basketball), there will always be a team bad enough to have DJ Augustin as their best player.
That's the perfect storm right there. A team so bad that they couldn't stop Matt Bonner from getting 40 on a given night, against a player so unstoppable that the best anyone else was going to do was stop him from getting 60.
These sportswriters think it'll never happen, though. They say that no professional will ever allow that to happen. And I say that's crazy talk. One, you can never rule out the incompetence of a general manager to saddle a coach with crap players. For all you know, they're trying to pull a "Major League." Second, Sam Mitchell, coach of the Raptors when Kobe caused his team to consider retirement, said that they tried everything. He said they did everything that they could and it didn't matter. It's not like they wanted Kobe to drop 81 on them. He just did it. And there was only so much that they could do, because defensive rules today are softer than a second-string field goal kicker. I guess the sportswriters are banking on someone taking the scorer out with a steel chair during a timeout.
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