I get that some folks like college sports more because of this myth that college students play harder. I don't know where it came from, but it had to have been started by someone who doesn't understand football. It's a really stupid argument that NFL players aren't playing hard all the time, because you will be killed if you play football at half-speed while everyone else isn't. You could try to argue that teams collectively decide to slack off, but we've seen that before, too. It's called the Pro Bowl, and the Pro Bowl sucks.
People really push this idea when it comes to basketball, though. Personally, I don't buy the fact that pro players don't play hard, because there is no other sensible reason for Kobe Bryant to sweat that much. If Kobe is sweating like that and not playing hard, I suggest that he see a doctor. I mean, besides the one about to cut open his shoulder.
Now, if you told me that pro players didn't play hard every night, you might have an argument, and even then, I don't blame the players. The players aren't slacking off because they're overpaid fat-cats that can't be bothered to entertain the fans. The players are slacking off because they have to play the Knicks six times.
The NBA season is already an 82 game grind, and you expect these players to bring the same fire that they'd give to Chicago to the Philadelphia 76ers? The good teams get more of a challenge playing themselves in practice. Playing the Sixers multiple times is like the morning conference call of basketball games. It has to be done to make the boss happy, but you're not about to pretend like it's truly necessary.
It's only an expectation because it's believed that Michael Jordan did it. Oh, Jordan never took a game off. And he probably didn't, because Michael Jordan is a lunatic. You saw from his Hall of Fame speech how much trouble he's having adjusting to civilized society, where every perceived slight isn't grounds for some form of revenge. When regular people do that, they usually need to seek some form of counseling, because making the other person keep shooting half-court shots for two hours until you win (this actually happened) isn't a realistic option. But let's make Michael Jordan's rare psychosis the standard for NBA players. Kobe shares this affliction, but you hate Kobe, and right now, he's trying to figure out how to tape up his rotator cuff so he can play next week. This isn't healthy behavior.
Besides, the NBA season is four times as long as a college season. Who can't bring it for twenty games? True, being browbeaten by some redass college coach could be exhausting, but if you're any good, you're only gonna be there for a year or two, anyway. When you're a 19 year old college player who has agents secretly telling him that he's going in the lottery, and girls sneaking in and out of your dorm room, you're not listening to the coach, anyway. Play defense? Defense is for suckers. Carmelo didn't play defense at Syracuse (and it was a zone defense, at that), and he has a $124 million dollar deal.
And that's what it's all about, anyway. They're not doing this for some mythical love of the game. This is their audition for the same millions that Carmelo gets. They don't love the game any more than the pros do. They just don't have to keep up the illusion as long.
But let these kids have to go on a six game road trip in the middle of a forty game season, through flyover country, against a bunch of schools that even Digger Phelps would struggle to recognize, and see how much effort you get. John Calipari could offer his players cash bribes on top of their secret signing bonuses and Kentucky still wouldn't show up against Kennesaw State. Hell, if they did show up against Kennesaw State and beat them by 70, these same folks would complain that Kentucky ran up the score.
So I don't mind if players take a few games off because who cares, they're playing Charlotte. If Golden State really brought it for four quarters against Charlotte, Charlotte would lose by 200 points and Michael Jordan's anger would make him try to suit up again.
And you shouldn't care, either, because it's not like those games get aired by anyone except NBA TV.
Showing posts with label pro basketball. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pro basketball. Show all posts
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
On Marcus Smart, Jeff Orr, and Acting An Ass At Basketball Games
If you taunt, berate, out belittle athletes in games, it says a lot about how you view them. To you, they're not people. They're chattel. Hired entertainment. Dancing monkeys. They don't become real until they come onto the stands. Like Mos Def said, "The hardheaded always gotta feel it to believe it."
A thorough, well-earned, ass-whooping will end a lot of this. The average fan really doesn't wanna risk the possibility that security will get there before they eat that two-piece. It's all fun and games until that ass is getting tenderized. I think we all understand that most fans are pussy, even in this shit-talking, rude, and insulting environment we call "America in 2014." Everybody talks, but almost nobody really wants to back it up, which is part of the reason why gun sales are up. The threat of backing up shit-talk without a gun would eliminate all but the most "bout that life" fans from getting disrespectful. The people who want to fight would just have to become the hazard of doing business, I guess.
Still, we can't have that. Letting players to go after pieces of shit in the stands is a horrible business plan, because unlicensed dentistry in a public place isn't really a selling point. No matter how right the player may be (I still think that Dikembe should have been allowed to punch that dude for calling him a monkey), that kind of stuff has to be deterred. Otherwise, players will think that it's normal to run in the stands and people will stop coming to games. This isn't wrestling, where the fight coming into the stands is a good thing. Patting the participants on the back will just make you part of the fight. And the first time a totally innocent fan gets hit by a player, that fan will suddenly own a piece of the team and start making all the stupid trades that you and your friends talk about during flag football. So what's the solution, then?
There isn't one. I think we all understand that human beings are terrible creatures, most of which don't deserve the basic decency that they think they're entitled to. I work in a field where all I do is deal with entitled, shitty, people who think they're better than me because I have on work boots. I see it all the time. You're condescending, arrogant, and rude. Just look at how you act when you go to a restaurant, or heaven forbid, Wal-Mart. You don't deserve any kindness, especially after you answered your phone in the movie theater. Dear People of America: Generally speaking, you're pieces of shit. Okay, you might not set car bombs, kick puppies, or use the n-word, but those aren't the only things you can do to be considered a terrible person.
So expecting the paying customer to improve his own behavior is a fool's errand. The leagues still need to get something in place to deal with this, because it's gotten ridiculous. Basically, the leagues (Really, just the NBA and college basketball, because it's no coincidence that the leagues where the players have weapons also have barriers between players and fans) need to empower players to get fans ejected.
Tell the players that if someone is getting out of line, they can pull a ref to the side, point the person out, the ref will eject the fan, and security will throw him out on his ass. It should be that simple. I doubt the players would lie on fans, because they've got out things going on, like the game happening around them. They don't have time to pick out fans to eject so you can confirm your victimization bias. Truth is, do you know how big of an asshole you have to be to get the attention of someone on the court, let alone make them try to come after you? And while the players run the risk of identifying the wrong person, after throwing down $1,000 on courtside tickets, the fans standing around the right person will make sure that they stand out. Watching everybody turn into snitches will be part of the fun of a program like this.
And to get an athlete in the middle of a game so upset that they want to put their hands on you is hard to do. I know, because I've tried, and I assure you, it takes more than effort and a big mouth. When I was in college, my friend Mike and I used to sit courtside at our team's basketball games and go in on people. To us, it was all in fun, but we were assholes, plain and simple. It got to the point where it was secondary to the game. We just wanted to insult people. We felt like we were creating the homecourt advantage that Jackson State desperately needed (because we weren't getting better players any time soon). And to show how stupid our asses were, we yelled at the referees more than anyone else. The same referees that could have put us out at any time, and here we are, making fun of their shoes and pants. To their credit, they never reacted, and I know they heard us.
They should have put us out. I would have. If it had been me, i would have tried to get is banned from the building. What we did was uncalled for. Fun at the time, because we were stupid 20 year olds, but uncalled for.
So I get why people do it when they're young. I wouldn't do that now, because I'm mentally well-adjusted. You're supposed to grow out of this kind of shit, but the people who seem to wind up in these incidents now are all 40 and 50 year old men. I guess it's empowering to feel like you can yell at these people and they can't do shit, but how emasculated do you have to be in your personal life to think that insulting rich athletes is a healthy outlet? Who told you your dick was small, Jeff Orr?
Because it isn't about the money that they paid for tickets that makes people feel empowered to act like that. Hell, we got in free to our games and we were practically standing on the court. I think that making it about the money paid just gives them an excuse. No, they're just shitty people. I bet they treat wait staff at restaurants the same way. It has nothing to do with the tickets. There are hundreds of other people in that same section who paid just as much who didn't incite a player to jeopardize his paycheck, scholarship, or legal freedom just for the chance to crack them across the jaw.
Knowing that, I won't blame Marcus Smart for shoving that asshole, because I've been that asshole. Jeff Orr had that coming, and probably more, just like i did. We can't keep going through life thinking that, just because someone is doing something for us, be it entertaining us or working on our behalf, rich or poor, that we can just treat them with disrespect. You might think you're above them in that instance, but a fist to the face will put you on the same level real quick.
A thorough, well-earned, ass-whooping will end a lot of this. The average fan really doesn't wanna risk the possibility that security will get there before they eat that two-piece. It's all fun and games until that ass is getting tenderized. I think we all understand that most fans are pussy, even in this shit-talking, rude, and insulting environment we call "America in 2014." Everybody talks, but almost nobody really wants to back it up, which is part of the reason why gun sales are up. The threat of backing up shit-talk without a gun would eliminate all but the most "bout that life" fans from getting disrespectful. The people who want to fight would just have to become the hazard of doing business, I guess.
Still, we can't have that. Letting players to go after pieces of shit in the stands is a horrible business plan, because unlicensed dentistry in a public place isn't really a selling point. No matter how right the player may be (I still think that Dikembe should have been allowed to punch that dude for calling him a monkey), that kind of stuff has to be deterred. Otherwise, players will think that it's normal to run in the stands and people will stop coming to games. This isn't wrestling, where the fight coming into the stands is a good thing. Patting the participants on the back will just make you part of the fight. And the first time a totally innocent fan gets hit by a player, that fan will suddenly own a piece of the team and start making all the stupid trades that you and your friends talk about during flag football. So what's the solution, then?
There isn't one. I think we all understand that human beings are terrible creatures, most of which don't deserve the basic decency that they think they're entitled to. I work in a field where all I do is deal with entitled, shitty, people who think they're better than me because I have on work boots. I see it all the time. You're condescending, arrogant, and rude. Just look at how you act when you go to a restaurant, or heaven forbid, Wal-Mart. You don't deserve any kindness, especially after you answered your phone in the movie theater. Dear People of America: Generally speaking, you're pieces of shit. Okay, you might not set car bombs, kick puppies, or use the n-word, but those aren't the only things you can do to be considered a terrible person.
So expecting the paying customer to improve his own behavior is a fool's errand. The leagues still need to get something in place to deal with this, because it's gotten ridiculous. Basically, the leagues (Really, just the NBA and college basketball, because it's no coincidence that the leagues where the players have weapons also have barriers between players and fans) need to empower players to get fans ejected.
Tell the players that if someone is getting out of line, they can pull a ref to the side, point the person out, the ref will eject the fan, and security will throw him out on his ass. It should be that simple. I doubt the players would lie on fans, because they've got out things going on, like the game happening around them. They don't have time to pick out fans to eject so you can confirm your victimization bias. Truth is, do you know how big of an asshole you have to be to get the attention of someone on the court, let alone make them try to come after you? And while the players run the risk of identifying the wrong person, after throwing down $1,000 on courtside tickets, the fans standing around the right person will make sure that they stand out. Watching everybody turn into snitches will be part of the fun of a program like this.
And to get an athlete in the middle of a game so upset that they want to put their hands on you is hard to do. I know, because I've tried, and I assure you, it takes more than effort and a big mouth. When I was in college, my friend Mike and I used to sit courtside at our team's basketball games and go in on people. To us, it was all in fun, but we were assholes, plain and simple. It got to the point where it was secondary to the game. We just wanted to insult people. We felt like we were creating the homecourt advantage that Jackson State desperately needed (because we weren't getting better players any time soon). And to show how stupid our asses were, we yelled at the referees more than anyone else. The same referees that could have put us out at any time, and here we are, making fun of their shoes and pants. To their credit, they never reacted, and I know they heard us.
They should have put us out. I would have. If it had been me, i would have tried to get is banned from the building. What we did was uncalled for. Fun at the time, because we were stupid 20 year olds, but uncalled for.
So I get why people do it when they're young. I wouldn't do that now, because I'm mentally well-adjusted. You're supposed to grow out of this kind of shit, but the people who seem to wind up in these incidents now are all 40 and 50 year old men. I guess it's empowering to feel like you can yell at these people and they can't do shit, but how emasculated do you have to be in your personal life to think that insulting rich athletes is a healthy outlet? Who told you your dick was small, Jeff Orr?
Because it isn't about the money that they paid for tickets that makes people feel empowered to act like that. Hell, we got in free to our games and we were practically standing on the court. I think that making it about the money paid just gives them an excuse. No, they're just shitty people. I bet they treat wait staff at restaurants the same way. It has nothing to do with the tickets. There are hundreds of other people in that same section who paid just as much who didn't incite a player to jeopardize his paycheck, scholarship, or legal freedom just for the chance to crack them across the jaw.
Knowing that, I won't blame Marcus Smart for shoving that asshole, because I've been that asshole. Jeff Orr had that coming, and probably more, just like i did. We can't keep going through life thinking that, just because someone is doing something for us, be it entertaining us or working on our behalf, rich or poor, that we can just treat them with disrespect. You might think you're above them in that instance, but a fist to the face will put you on the same level real quick.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
DeAndre Jordan's dunk was aiight. And that's it.
The other night, DeAndre Jordan brought down a lob pass on top of Brandon Knight, and Twitter went ape shit. I didn't see it, because I was unconscious, like other old men who can no longer stay up past nine. But the next morning, I read all of the tweets from the night before, with Bomani Jones most notably holding forth about about impressive the dunk was.
So, I pulled it up. I figured it had to be amazing, right? Yea, verily; t'would be the nastiest dunk mine eyes had ever gazed upon and bards would sing it's praises for ages. After all, the cats on Twitter spent all night photoshopping Brandon Knight laid out beside Manny Pacquiao, with Simba trying to wake them up. Twitter had declared Knight dead. I caught a picture of DeAndre Jordan grimacing at what he'd done. Even he looked impressed. I was so ready to watch this video.
And I swear, y'all are too easily impressed these days.
It was a nice little dunk, but it wasn't worth all of that. Maybe my standards are too high, but a seven-footer dunking over at 6'2" point guard might as well have been Blake Griffin jumping over that car. I had a short Twitter exchange with Myth (author of Shadow Precinct, available on Amazon), and he said about Knight, "You thought you was about to block that shit?" And that's my point. He was never going to block that shit, not without cheating. Maybe if he pantsed Jordan or started making out with his girl in the stands or something like that. But that's about it. Otherwise, Jordan did what he was supposed to do, like how I used to jump over my cousins back before they were fully coordinated and I wasn't fat. There was only one way that it could have gone down. So what was so impressive about that?
I'mma need for DeAndre Jordan to go up over someone roughly his size, like Shaq over the majority of centers in the NBA in the 1990s. Otherwise, it's just bullying. And it's not Jordan's fault. What was he supposed to do, finger roll it because Brandon Knight didn't drink enough milk as a child? No, Jordan did what big men do; yam it over the faerie folk who shouldn't be in the paint to begin with. But folks were trying to gas up his head like he did something and he didn't. If that counts as an accomplishment, then so does that time I dominated all those 8th graders. Stop crying, Charlie's little brother. Shoving you after my crossover is part of the game.
and even though it says more about Detroit's defense than anything else, Brandon Knight did what he was supposed to do: He challenged the shot, even though no one would have blamed him for letting that one ride, because, c'mon; he's 6'2". That's like being a preemie in NBA circles. No, he couldn't stop it, but he tried to make Jordan work for it. Anything could have happened. He might have slapped the ball away, Jordan could have tripped over his corpse; anything. But he tried, which is more than I can say for Andrew Bynum. Bynum would have been thinking about race cars, then blown out his knee imagining himself getting out of the car.
But let's not act like something routine is supposed to be a special moment. It was aiight, like Lebron hurdling John Lucas III in a world where Vince Carter already jumped over Frederic Weis. After all, John Lucas III is bite size. What makes the impressive dunks impressive is that the outcome is in doubt, or in some cases, weren't supposed to happen at all. Kevin Johnson over Hakeem Olajuwon. Russell Westbrook over Omer Asik. Michael Jordan over damn near everybody. You mean to tell me that what DeAndre did is on the same level as something like Shawn Kemp over Antoine Carr?
Get the fuck outta here.
So, I pulled it up. I figured it had to be amazing, right? Yea, verily; t'would be the nastiest dunk mine eyes had ever gazed upon and bards would sing it's praises for ages. After all, the cats on Twitter spent all night photoshopping Brandon Knight laid out beside Manny Pacquiao, with Simba trying to wake them up. Twitter had declared Knight dead. I caught a picture of DeAndre Jordan grimacing at what he'd done. Even he looked impressed. I was so ready to watch this video.
And I swear, y'all are too easily impressed these days.
It was a nice little dunk, but it wasn't worth all of that. Maybe my standards are too high, but a seven-footer dunking over at 6'2" point guard might as well have been Blake Griffin jumping over that car. I had a short Twitter exchange with Myth (author of Shadow Precinct, available on Amazon), and he said about Knight, "You thought you was about to block that shit?" And that's my point. He was never going to block that shit, not without cheating. Maybe if he pantsed Jordan or started making out with his girl in the stands or something like that. But that's about it. Otherwise, Jordan did what he was supposed to do, like how I used to jump over my cousins back before they were fully coordinated and I wasn't fat. There was only one way that it could have gone down. So what was so impressive about that?
I'mma need for DeAndre Jordan to go up over someone roughly his size, like Shaq over the majority of centers in the NBA in the 1990s. Otherwise, it's just bullying. And it's not Jordan's fault. What was he supposed to do, finger roll it because Brandon Knight didn't drink enough milk as a child? No, Jordan did what big men do; yam it over the faerie folk who shouldn't be in the paint to begin with. But folks were trying to gas up his head like he did something and he didn't. If that counts as an accomplishment, then so does that time I dominated all those 8th graders. Stop crying, Charlie's little brother. Shoving you after my crossover is part of the game.
and even though it says more about Detroit's defense than anything else, Brandon Knight did what he was supposed to do: He challenged the shot, even though no one would have blamed him for letting that one ride, because, c'mon; he's 6'2". That's like being a preemie in NBA circles. No, he couldn't stop it, but he tried to make Jordan work for it. Anything could have happened. He might have slapped the ball away, Jordan could have tripped over his corpse; anything. But he tried, which is more than I can say for Andrew Bynum. Bynum would have been thinking about race cars, then blown out his knee imagining himself getting out of the car.
But let's not act like something routine is supposed to be a special moment. It was aiight, like Lebron hurdling John Lucas III in a world where Vince Carter already jumped over Frederic Weis. After all, John Lucas III is bite size. What makes the impressive dunks impressive is that the outcome is in doubt, or in some cases, weren't supposed to happen at all. Kevin Johnson over Hakeem Olajuwon. Russell Westbrook over Omer Asik. Michael Jordan over damn near everybody. You mean to tell me that what DeAndre did is on the same level as something like Shawn Kemp over Antoine Carr?
Get the fuck outta here.
Monday, March 05, 2012
100 Points Is Hard, Not Impossible
The sports writers of America have been asking themselves a question that's dumb as hell this week: Is it possible for anyone to ever score 100 points in a basketball game again?
The answer's obvious: Of course it's possible. And I know this because I understand what "impossible" means.
Flying is impossible. Running a 2 minute mile is impossible. Catching a meteor is impossible. If scoring 100 points in a basketball game was impossible, it wouldn't have happened the first time. Kobe Bryant's the proof that it'll happen again. Sure, he only scored 81 points in a game, right after scoring 60 points in three quarters just days before. But who gives a shit about that, right?
Thing is, Charles Barkley called Kobe's 81 "a perfect storm" right afterwards. I know many of the great mistakes we make in life start with quoting Charles Barkley, but he was right. And recreating that perfect storm happens more often than people think.
See, while Wilt's 100 and Kobe's 81 (and 60 in three quarters) are impressive, let's put this in perspective a little bit. Wilt was, and Kobe, is a supreme scoring machine. At the time, each of them was at his peak, and was putting up career high numbers. They were completely unstoppable. Players like this don't come along every day, but they do pop up from time to time. Michael Jordan was one. LeBron James could be one. Kevin Durant will likely be one. And who knows who's coming up in the world 10 or 15 years from now.
But while LeBron and Durant are talented enough, they're not selfish enough to pull something like that off. To score 100, you gotta be willing to say "fuck you" to your teammates for the night. That's what 100 (or 81) points is; a "fuck you" to team basketball. It doesn't matter what you see in front of you, you're jacking this bitch up. HARD. A LOT. Like the girl you've been after for years who finally says "yes." She, like this guy's jumper, is gonna have to dry all the way up before they stop.
But the other thing you need is to play against a shitty team. It's not like Wilt dropped that 100 in the playoffs. He did it on a random night in March. Against the Knicks. And not the Knicks when they were good. These Knicks went on to win 32 games that season, so it's not like he dropped 100 on a good team. I don't think they even had a guy above 6'9". And Kobe's 81? That happened against the Toronto Raptors. I can't even be bothered to look up their record, because they always suck.
The thing about shitty teams is that they're always plentiful, especially in this watered down league. Michael Jordan's Bobcats are 4-23 right now, and it seems like there's a team that's challenging for the futility record on a yearly basis. Unless the league contracts (and it never will, because David Stern pisses on your concerns of quality basketball), there will always be a team bad enough to have DJ Augustin as their best player.
That's the perfect storm right there. A team so bad that they couldn't stop Matt Bonner from getting 40 on a given night, against a player so unstoppable that the best anyone else was going to do was stop him from getting 60.
These sportswriters think it'll never happen, though. They say that no professional will ever allow that to happen. And I say that's crazy talk. One, you can never rule out the incompetence of a general manager to saddle a coach with crap players. For all you know, they're trying to pull a "Major League." Second, Sam Mitchell, coach of the Raptors when Kobe caused his team to consider retirement, said that they tried everything. He said they did everything that they could and it didn't matter. It's not like they wanted Kobe to drop 81 on them. He just did it. And there was only so much that they could do, because defensive rules today are softer than a second-string field goal kicker. I guess the sportswriters are banking on someone taking the scorer out with a steel chair during a timeout.
The answer's obvious: Of course it's possible. And I know this because I understand what "impossible" means.
Flying is impossible. Running a 2 minute mile is impossible. Catching a meteor is impossible. If scoring 100 points in a basketball game was impossible, it wouldn't have happened the first time. Kobe Bryant's the proof that it'll happen again. Sure, he only scored 81 points in a game, right after scoring 60 points in three quarters just days before. But who gives a shit about that, right?
Thing is, Charles Barkley called Kobe's 81 "a perfect storm" right afterwards. I know many of the great mistakes we make in life start with quoting Charles Barkley, but he was right. And recreating that perfect storm happens more often than people think.
See, while Wilt's 100 and Kobe's 81 (and 60 in three quarters) are impressive, let's put this in perspective a little bit. Wilt was, and Kobe, is a supreme scoring machine. At the time, each of them was at his peak, and was putting up career high numbers. They were completely unstoppable. Players like this don't come along every day, but they do pop up from time to time. Michael Jordan was one. LeBron James could be one. Kevin Durant will likely be one. And who knows who's coming up in the world 10 or 15 years from now.
But while LeBron and Durant are talented enough, they're not selfish enough to pull something like that off. To score 100, you gotta be willing to say "fuck you" to your teammates for the night. That's what 100 (or 81) points is; a "fuck you" to team basketball. It doesn't matter what you see in front of you, you're jacking this bitch up. HARD. A LOT. Like the girl you've been after for years who finally says "yes." She, like this guy's jumper, is gonna have to dry all the way up before they stop.
But the other thing you need is to play against a shitty team. It's not like Wilt dropped that 100 in the playoffs. He did it on a random night in March. Against the Knicks. And not the Knicks when they were good. These Knicks went on to win 32 games that season, so it's not like he dropped 100 on a good team. I don't think they even had a guy above 6'9". And Kobe's 81? That happened against the Toronto Raptors. I can't even be bothered to look up their record, because they always suck.
The thing about shitty teams is that they're always plentiful, especially in this watered down league. Michael Jordan's Bobcats are 4-23 right now, and it seems like there's a team that's challenging for the futility record on a yearly basis. Unless the league contracts (and it never will, because David Stern pisses on your concerns of quality basketball), there will always be a team bad enough to have DJ Augustin as their best player.
That's the perfect storm right there. A team so bad that they couldn't stop Matt Bonner from getting 40 on a given night, against a player so unstoppable that the best anyone else was going to do was stop him from getting 60.
These sportswriters think it'll never happen, though. They say that no professional will ever allow that to happen. And I say that's crazy talk. One, you can never rule out the incompetence of a general manager to saddle a coach with crap players. For all you know, they're trying to pull a "Major League." Second, Sam Mitchell, coach of the Raptors when Kobe caused his team to consider retirement, said that they tried everything. He said they did everything that they could and it didn't matter. It's not like they wanted Kobe to drop 81 on them. He just did it. And there was only so much that they could do, because defensive rules today are softer than a second-string field goal kicker. I guess the sportswriters are banking on someone taking the scorer out with a steel chair during a timeout.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Did Hip-Hop Ruin the NBA?
"Did hip-hop ruin the NBA?"
Well, it's a valid question in the same way that "How many dildos does it take to rupture the anal wall?" is a valid question. Sure, it has a question mark on the end, but it was an in-depth mystery only those with low IQs needed to know the answer to. After all, you're never going to need to know how sturdy your anal wall is...unless you're stupid enough to try to jam multiple objects in there.
That's kind of how I view the theory that hip-hop somehow damaged the NBA: It's pretty stupid to assume that a genre of music destroyed a form of sport. It makes about as much sense as saying that breakfast cereal caused the South to lose the Civil War. The blockade, manufacturing base, and general ass-kickery of the Union had nothing to do with it. It had to be Cap'n Crunch's fault.
Still, some people insist that hip-hop had some kind of effect on the NBA. After all, when you go back and watch recordings of 80's basketball games, there were almost no tattoos, no one wore baggy clothes in any setting, and guns weren't as prevalent among pro athletes. Also, players could beat on each other all day and still not fight each other. Nowadays, all it takes is one hard foul to touch off a riot. It's all hip-hop's fault.
But down here on Earth (actually maybe not Earth; the stupid outnumber the intelligent down here. "In reality?" We'll try that.), we realize that part of the problem is cultural change, unless evolving fashion trends is proof of the downfall of society. "The Greeks knew that the end was near when people started wearing shorter and shorter togas." No, sometimes things just get popular, like tattoos and baggy clothes.
No one ever considers, though, that the world has changed since the 1980's. People have changed. They're not like they used to be, because they're quicker to rob, shoot, and kill folks these days. I'd blame Reaganomics before I'd blame hip-hop, but that's too well thought-out, and as Americans, we've always gotta jump on the bullshit answer. So yeah, let's blame hip-hop. Because tattoos, baggy shorts, and senseless violence didn't exist before rap music.
Personally, I always thought that Michael Jordan was to blame for baggy shorts, just like he was to blame for bald heads, and $160 sneakers being part of a viable business model. As for tattoos, I blame pirates.
And that whole "nigga" mentality that seems to have infected the league, well...that's just a lack of strong male guidance. Hip-hop is a reflection of the changing world, not the cause of it. I personally grew up listening to hip-hop and I've never shot anyone that wasn't a zombie or Nazi inside the television. I don't call women "bitches," and I don't have numerous "baby mamas" to be rotated throughout the week. If it made sense for me to be like my musical influences, then why do country music fans buy cars when there are perfectly good horses out there? They wouldn't even have to put the whiskey away before mounting up.
If that line of thinking made sense, we'd have drive-bys at the stadiums, Ron Artest would have been busted for selling coke at his house, and someone would have tried to play through a game with gold fronts. It's really not as bad as people think. Yeah, the tattoos are a bit much, but that's what happens when a trend takes hold: People wear it the fuck out.
Even the NBA has overreacted, by trying to remove all of the physicality from the game, because a fight broke out between two teams that HATED each other. In the 80's, there were times when fights would happen during the game and people wouldn't even get ejected. Now, players can get ejected if the foul just looks like it could have hurt, and they can't leave the bench without signed permission slips.
True, players now react differently to physical play, but wouldn't you if you were used to playing in a non-physical game? If football suddenly said, "quarterbacks can't be touched under any circumstances," and one got hit, don't you think he'd be ready to fight, too? Yeah, in LeBron's generation, they've probably got thinner skin, but the league's not even giving the players a chance to prove that they're not mindless thugs.
People just need to accept that things change. Players aren't gonna look the same as they did in the 80's, and thank God for that, because personal grooming has come such a long way since then, and our government is finally seeing the results of hormone treatments in our food. For better or for worse, the game has changed. The environment around the game has changed. If folks don't like the pace of the game or tendencies of the players; they don't play as hard or they're too flashy, then so be it. But don't blame music because you don't recognize the face of the game any more.
If anything, blame David Stern for some of those stupid rules.
Well, it's a valid question in the same way that "How many dildos does it take to rupture the anal wall?" is a valid question. Sure, it has a question mark on the end, but it was an in-depth mystery only those with low IQs needed to know the answer to. After all, you're never going to need to know how sturdy your anal wall is...unless you're stupid enough to try to jam multiple objects in there.
That's kind of how I view the theory that hip-hop somehow damaged the NBA: It's pretty stupid to assume that a genre of music destroyed a form of sport. It makes about as much sense as saying that breakfast cereal caused the South to lose the Civil War. The blockade, manufacturing base, and general ass-kickery of the Union had nothing to do with it. It had to be Cap'n Crunch's fault.
Still, some people insist that hip-hop had some kind of effect on the NBA. After all, when you go back and watch recordings of 80's basketball games, there were almost no tattoos, no one wore baggy clothes in any setting, and guns weren't as prevalent among pro athletes. Also, players could beat on each other all day and still not fight each other. Nowadays, all it takes is one hard foul to touch off a riot. It's all hip-hop's fault.
But down here on Earth (actually maybe not Earth; the stupid outnumber the intelligent down here. "In reality?" We'll try that.), we realize that part of the problem is cultural change, unless evolving fashion trends is proof of the downfall of society. "The Greeks knew that the end was near when people started wearing shorter and shorter togas." No, sometimes things just get popular, like tattoos and baggy clothes.
No one ever considers, though, that the world has changed since the 1980's. People have changed. They're not like they used to be, because they're quicker to rob, shoot, and kill folks these days. I'd blame Reaganomics before I'd blame hip-hop, but that's too well thought-out, and as Americans, we've always gotta jump on the bullshit answer. So yeah, let's blame hip-hop. Because tattoos, baggy shorts, and senseless violence didn't exist before rap music.
Personally, I always thought that Michael Jordan was to blame for baggy shorts, just like he was to blame for bald heads, and $160 sneakers being part of a viable business model. As for tattoos, I blame pirates.
And that whole "nigga" mentality that seems to have infected the league, well...that's just a lack of strong male guidance. Hip-hop is a reflection of the changing world, not the cause of it. I personally grew up listening to hip-hop and I've never shot anyone that wasn't a zombie or Nazi inside the television. I don't call women "bitches," and I don't have numerous "baby mamas" to be rotated throughout the week. If it made sense for me to be like my musical influences, then why do country music fans buy cars when there are perfectly good horses out there? They wouldn't even have to put the whiskey away before mounting up.
If that line of thinking made sense, we'd have drive-bys at the stadiums, Ron Artest would have been busted for selling coke at his house, and someone would have tried to play through a game with gold fronts. It's really not as bad as people think. Yeah, the tattoos are a bit much, but that's what happens when a trend takes hold: People wear it the fuck out.
Even the NBA has overreacted, by trying to remove all of the physicality from the game, because a fight broke out between two teams that HATED each other. In the 80's, there were times when fights would happen during the game and people wouldn't even get ejected. Now, players can get ejected if the foul just looks like it could have hurt, and they can't leave the bench without signed permission slips.
True, players now react differently to physical play, but wouldn't you if you were used to playing in a non-physical game? If football suddenly said, "quarterbacks can't be touched under any circumstances," and one got hit, don't you think he'd be ready to fight, too? Yeah, in LeBron's generation, they've probably got thinner skin, but the league's not even giving the players a chance to prove that they're not mindless thugs.
People just need to accept that things change. Players aren't gonna look the same as they did in the 80's, and thank God for that, because personal grooming has come such a long way since then, and our government is finally seeing the results of hormone treatments in our food. For better or for worse, the game has changed. The environment around the game has changed. If folks don't like the pace of the game or tendencies of the players; they don't play as hard or they're too flashy, then so be it. But don't blame music because you don't recognize the face of the game any more.
If anything, blame David Stern for some of those stupid rules.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
How to Get the WNBA Into the Mainstream
I think it's pretty much common knowledge in sports circles that the WNBA has been in financial trouble since day one. It would have folded years ago, if not for David Stern's dogged determination (and financial backing) to make this thing a success. But more than 10 years in, it's still on shaky ground. So much that teams have resorted to selling their jerseys as ad space like the background of an over-budget action movie.
I'm sure it baffles some people why the WNBA hasn't caught on, because after all, women's basketball in successful in Europe, right? But we can't always compare our tastes to that of the Europeans, because after all, they also like soccer. And they sustain the music careers of our failed stars long after they should have faded all the way into obscurity. Plus, they're socialists.
I could come up with a ton of reason why the WNBA is failing, just like I could come up with a ton of ways to fix it. Unfortunately, 80% of those reasons and ideas revolve around the objectification and lack-of-objectification of women. But I do want to prove that I'm somewhat credible when I'm writing in this blog of mine, so I'll have to do better than saying, "Instead of high-fives, the players should be required to passionately kiss at midcourt."
Yes, the WNBA players are skilled and talented. Truly, 90% of those players could beat the brakes off of me (and anyone watching) in a game of one-on-one. I still believe that I could take the tall stiffs, much like their NBA counterparts.
But it's not always the most exciting thing to watch, and once you get past the inspiration of showing girls that they can also be strong and beautiful, it dawns on you that all you're doing is watching short people jog up and down the court. If I had a daughter, I would watch the games with her, because I'd want her to believe that she can do anything, but in reality, I'd just be counting the days until Oct. 30, when real basketball starts.
Basketball is a game of speed and athleticism, but the WNBA players are slower and not as athletic. And that's not their fault, it's just how we're built. Men are built for running, jumping, and drinking a 12-pack on Sundays during football season. Women are built for other stuff, like generally not being as athletic and walking in heels. Sure, they can run and jump, too, but men do it better. I know this because the Olympics told me so. And if they want, I feel that they should be allowed to compete against men. I just hope their fragile self-esteems don't cause them to cry all over the court.
I kid, women. I kid. But you guys know you can cry at the drop of a dime.
So how does the WNBA overcome this? After all, that's the main appeal of the NBA, watching really tall men do things that the rest of us couldn't imagine doing without it being a dream or an episode of Slamball. We want to see LeBron jump over people, or Dwyane Wade block shots, or Shawn Marion jumping over six other guys to secure a rebound. We love the "above the rim" aspect of the game. We love the idea that a man can be 6'8", 240 lbs. and still be the quickest guy on the court.
The WNBA doesn't show us anything that most of us don't believe we can't do ourselves. They don't jump particularly high or run particularly fast (except the really short players). Everything is below the rim without the "above the rim" stuff to balance it out. So how does the WNBA fix it?
Lower the rim to nine feet.
Really, what does the WNBA have to lose? It's burgeoning fanbase? Hell, it doesn't even want the one it has. It's extremely popular among lesbians, from what I understand, and a percentage of the league is likely carpetmunchers, anyway. Yet, the WNBA won't even acknowledge them. It still desires mainstream acceptance, despite the fact that they run in the summer time, when no one watches TV. It's been 13 years. The revolution isn't happening.
But if you can get these women in the air, you might see something happen. The novelty factor alone would get ratings up, I'm sure. Not only that, dunking at nine feet is an attainable goal for an athletic woman. Follow me on this.
When boys get to be about 14 or 15 years old, they spend hours just trying to reach the rim, inadvertently strengthing the muscles needed to jump higher. By the time they're 17 or 18, they're dunking with two hands. Women don't ever do this unless they're 6'4" or something, because, really....what's the point? If a girl is 5'6", she's never going to reach a ten foot goal, and with girls not being complete dumbasses (until they start dating, anyway), they're not going to blow out a knee trying to get there. But nine feet? She might be out there, trying to dunk for hours, just like the boys do. Her legs will get stronger, until she can dunk with ease, just like the boys do. Only it'll be on a nine foot goal.
Say she goes into the WNBA, where she dunks all over the competition on the regular, making highlight reels on ESPN every night, inspiring girls to go out and do the same thing, an actual female Michael Jordan. Ten years later, girls are throwing down all over the place and All-Star Weekend has a female dunk contest for us to ignore.
You trying to tell me you wouldn't watch that?
It was predicted when the WNBA (and the ABL before it) started play in the mid-90s, that dunking in women's leagues would become more commonplace as time went on. And it hasn't. Lisa Leslie and Candace Parker are about the only two players who can do it, and they're both well over six feet. It's not going to happen. And neither is the mass appeal that the WNBA is looking for. So why not engineer the conditions that would allow it to happen?
I'm sure it baffles some people why the WNBA hasn't caught on, because after all, women's basketball in successful in Europe, right? But we can't always compare our tastes to that of the Europeans, because after all, they also like soccer. And they sustain the music careers of our failed stars long after they should have faded all the way into obscurity. Plus, they're socialists.
I could come up with a ton of reason why the WNBA is failing, just like I could come up with a ton of ways to fix it. Unfortunately, 80% of those reasons and ideas revolve around the objectification and lack-of-objectification of women. But I do want to prove that I'm somewhat credible when I'm writing in this blog of mine, so I'll have to do better than saying, "Instead of high-fives, the players should be required to passionately kiss at midcourt."
Yes, the WNBA players are skilled and talented. Truly, 90% of those players could beat the brakes off of me (and anyone watching) in a game of one-on-one. I still believe that I could take the tall stiffs, much like their NBA counterparts.
But it's not always the most exciting thing to watch, and once you get past the inspiration of showing girls that they can also be strong and beautiful, it dawns on you that all you're doing is watching short people jog up and down the court. If I had a daughter, I would watch the games with her, because I'd want her to believe that she can do anything, but in reality, I'd just be counting the days until Oct. 30, when real basketball starts.
Basketball is a game of speed and athleticism, but the WNBA players are slower and not as athletic. And that's not their fault, it's just how we're built. Men are built for running, jumping, and drinking a 12-pack on Sundays during football season. Women are built for other stuff, like generally not being as athletic and walking in heels. Sure, they can run and jump, too, but men do it better. I know this because the Olympics told me so. And if they want, I feel that they should be allowed to compete against men. I just hope their fragile self-esteems don't cause them to cry all over the court.
I kid, women. I kid. But you guys know you can cry at the drop of a dime.
So how does the WNBA overcome this? After all, that's the main appeal of the NBA, watching really tall men do things that the rest of us couldn't imagine doing without it being a dream or an episode of Slamball. We want to see LeBron jump over people, or Dwyane Wade block shots, or Shawn Marion jumping over six other guys to secure a rebound. We love the "above the rim" aspect of the game. We love the idea that a man can be 6'8", 240 lbs. and still be the quickest guy on the court.
The WNBA doesn't show us anything that most of us don't believe we can't do ourselves. They don't jump particularly high or run particularly fast (except the really short players). Everything is below the rim without the "above the rim" stuff to balance it out. So how does the WNBA fix it?
Lower the rim to nine feet.
Really, what does the WNBA have to lose? It's burgeoning fanbase? Hell, it doesn't even want the one it has. It's extremely popular among lesbians, from what I understand, and a percentage of the league is likely carpetmunchers, anyway. Yet, the WNBA won't even acknowledge them. It still desires mainstream acceptance, despite the fact that they run in the summer time, when no one watches TV. It's been 13 years. The revolution isn't happening.
But if you can get these women in the air, you might see something happen. The novelty factor alone would get ratings up, I'm sure. Not only that, dunking at nine feet is an attainable goal for an athletic woman. Follow me on this.
When boys get to be about 14 or 15 years old, they spend hours just trying to reach the rim, inadvertently strengthing the muscles needed to jump higher. By the time they're 17 or 18, they're dunking with two hands. Women don't ever do this unless they're 6'4" or something, because, really....what's the point? If a girl is 5'6", she's never going to reach a ten foot goal, and with girls not being complete dumbasses (until they start dating, anyway), they're not going to blow out a knee trying to get there. But nine feet? She might be out there, trying to dunk for hours, just like the boys do. Her legs will get stronger, until she can dunk with ease, just like the boys do. Only it'll be on a nine foot goal.
Say she goes into the WNBA, where she dunks all over the competition on the regular, making highlight reels on ESPN every night, inspiring girls to go out and do the same thing, an actual female Michael Jordan. Ten years later, girls are throwing down all over the place and All-Star Weekend has a female dunk contest for us to ignore.
You trying to tell me you wouldn't watch that?
It was predicted when the WNBA (and the ABL before it) started play in the mid-90s, that dunking in women's leagues would become more commonplace as time went on. And it hasn't. Lisa Leslie and Candace Parker are about the only two players who can do it, and they're both well over six feet. It's not going to happen. And neither is the mass appeal that the WNBA is looking for. So why not engineer the conditions that would allow it to happen?
Monday, October 15, 2007
Kobe is right and here's why
Earlier this year, I wrote a column about the lack of loyalty in sports. To sum it all up, it doesn't exist. Even though we know this, people are still being critical of Kobe and his supposed lack of loyalty to the Lakers. I can't figure out why, because when it comes to millions of dollars, fame, and glory, and potential immortality, the average American would probably push their own mother off of a moving bus.
What's the problem? She'll be alright if she braces herself.
There are those out there who continue to bring up the Lakers' support of Kobe during his sexual assault trial, and their willingness to trade Shaq and let Phil Jackson go to retain Kobe. I'll get to the sexual assault trial in a second, but no one put a gun to their heads and made them trade Shaq or settle for what they got for him. If someone offers me the best center of this decade, and all they want back is Caron Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant and a draft pick (that would become Andrew Bynum), I'd probably lose three fingers in the fax machine trying to get the contract sent before they sober back up.
Why should Kobe have to suffer because Mitch Kupchak isn't good at his job? I'm sure his dad told him to be a dentist. If that was the best deal he could see, when Eddie Jones and Udonis Haslem are sitting right there (not to mention drafting Andrew Bynum), having Kobe upset with him is the least of his problems. What about his uncontrollable drooling or his ongoing battle with the childproof cap?
And please stop bringing up Jerry Buss and his loyalty to Kobe during the sexual assault trial. I'd expect Buss to stand by Kobe, seeing as how Kobe didn't rape that girl. Okay, so he let him use the team plane to go back and forth to Colorado. But is that a real big sacrifice? Kobe's got eleventy katrillion dollars. I really don't think he would have had to bum plane fare off of someone to get back to L.A. on time.
Besides, that was three years ago. Is Kobe supposed to stay in Buss' pocket forever? Keep in mind, Kobe Bryant is an athlete. He is the best player in the NBA. He is in his prime and he wants to win right now. Sure, he's keeping the team profitable, but do you really think Kobe gives a crap about the Lakers' operating budget or profit margins? I'm not even so sure the ownership cares, because if they did, they wouldn't settle for Chris Mihm as their starting center.
I don't know about you, but if I had the chance to land Jason Kidd, one of the greatest point guards ever, and all I had to give up was Andrew Bynum, a guy who may or may not ever be anything, I'd wipe the blood off of my fax machine and jam my other hand wrist deep back in there to get that Jason Kidd deal finalized.
The only argument that holds up at all is that they pay Kobe a lot of money to go out there and play basketball. He does it, and he does it well. Yes, they stood beside him during his troubles, but it's not like he was just slacking off the entire time he's been there. He helped bring three championships to L.A. and has continued to fill the seats of the Staples Center. I'd say helping Jerry Buss continue to pinch loaves on his platinum toilet filled with champagne counts for something. Jerry Buss wasn't supporting Kobe through his troubled times because he thought Kobe's soul smelled like cinnamon and his aura spoke with the voices of angels. He was protecting his investment.
And that investment was allowed to be made with the agreement of certain conditions, one of which was that there would be an actual team built around him. People forget, Kobe didn't have to come back. The Lakers needed him more than he needed the Lakers. He could have gone to the Clippers, the Bulls, the Hawks, and at least two of those three were presented without laughter.
But were those conditions met? Let me answer my question with a couple of questions. Is Smush Parker the starting point guard? Is Kobe supposed to wait for Andrew Bynum to develop? I hope that doesn't sound like "moving in the right direction" to you. If it does, then you just might qualify to be an NBA General Manager.
Andrew Bynum. Are you serious? Danny Granger, Hakim Warrick, Luther Head, and David Lee were all still on the board at the time. You know who got David Lee? The Knicks, which means that Isiah Thomas is smarter than you, Mitch Kupchak. Watch out, Mitch, that isn't Kool-Aid in that antifreeze jug.
So let's not pretend that Kobe hasn't shown the organization patience, even though it seems like they're saying to themselves, "How many D-League players can we sneak onto this team before anyone notices?" Kobe's not getting any younger and I don't think he should have to wait for Bynum to learn basketball moves he should have been picking up the second someone noticed that he was the only 7th grader in his class that was able to pass for an adult. Personally, I think he'd look great in a Bulls uniform. Just something to think about...
What's the problem? She'll be alright if she braces herself.
There are those out there who continue to bring up the Lakers' support of Kobe during his sexual assault trial, and their willingness to trade Shaq and let Phil Jackson go to retain Kobe. I'll get to the sexual assault trial in a second, but no one put a gun to their heads and made them trade Shaq or settle for what they got for him. If someone offers me the best center of this decade, and all they want back is Caron Butler, Lamar Odom, Brian Grant and a draft pick (that would become Andrew Bynum), I'd probably lose three fingers in the fax machine trying to get the contract sent before they sober back up.
Why should Kobe have to suffer because Mitch Kupchak isn't good at his job? I'm sure his dad told him to be a dentist. If that was the best deal he could see, when Eddie Jones and Udonis Haslem are sitting right there (not to mention drafting Andrew Bynum), having Kobe upset with him is the least of his problems. What about his uncontrollable drooling or his ongoing battle with the childproof cap?
And please stop bringing up Jerry Buss and his loyalty to Kobe during the sexual assault trial. I'd expect Buss to stand by Kobe, seeing as how Kobe didn't rape that girl. Okay, so he let him use the team plane to go back and forth to Colorado. But is that a real big sacrifice? Kobe's got eleventy katrillion dollars. I really don't think he would have had to bum plane fare off of someone to get back to L.A. on time.
Besides, that was three years ago. Is Kobe supposed to stay in Buss' pocket forever? Keep in mind, Kobe Bryant is an athlete. He is the best player in the NBA. He is in his prime and he wants to win right now. Sure, he's keeping the team profitable, but do you really think Kobe gives a crap about the Lakers' operating budget or profit margins? I'm not even so sure the ownership cares, because if they did, they wouldn't settle for Chris Mihm as their starting center.
I don't know about you, but if I had the chance to land Jason Kidd, one of the greatest point guards ever, and all I had to give up was Andrew Bynum, a guy who may or may not ever be anything, I'd wipe the blood off of my fax machine and jam my other hand wrist deep back in there to get that Jason Kidd deal finalized.
The only argument that holds up at all is that they pay Kobe a lot of money to go out there and play basketball. He does it, and he does it well. Yes, they stood beside him during his troubles, but it's not like he was just slacking off the entire time he's been there. He helped bring three championships to L.A. and has continued to fill the seats of the Staples Center. I'd say helping Jerry Buss continue to pinch loaves on his platinum toilet filled with champagne counts for something. Jerry Buss wasn't supporting Kobe through his troubled times because he thought Kobe's soul smelled like cinnamon and his aura spoke with the voices of angels. He was protecting his investment.
And that investment was allowed to be made with the agreement of certain conditions, one of which was that there would be an actual team built around him. People forget, Kobe didn't have to come back. The Lakers needed him more than he needed the Lakers. He could have gone to the Clippers, the Bulls, the Hawks, and at least two of those three were presented without laughter.
But were those conditions met? Let me answer my question with a couple of questions. Is Smush Parker the starting point guard? Is Kobe supposed to wait for Andrew Bynum to develop? I hope that doesn't sound like "moving in the right direction" to you. If it does, then you just might qualify to be an NBA General Manager.
Andrew Bynum. Are you serious? Danny Granger, Hakim Warrick, Luther Head, and David Lee were all still on the board at the time. You know who got David Lee? The Knicks, which means that Isiah Thomas is smarter than you, Mitch Kupchak. Watch out, Mitch, that isn't Kool-Aid in that antifreeze jug.
So let's not pretend that Kobe hasn't shown the organization patience, even though it seems like they're saying to themselves, "How many D-League players can we sneak onto this team before anyone notices?" Kobe's not getting any younger and I don't think he should have to wait for Bynum to learn basketball moves he should have been picking up the second someone noticed that he was the only 7th grader in his class that was able to pass for an adult. Personally, I think he'd look great in a Bulls uniform. Just something to think about...
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