College players don't play any harder than pros, you fool

I get that some folks like college sports more because of this myth that college students play harder.  I don't know where it came from, but it had to have been started by someone who doesn't understand football. It's a really stupid argument that NFL players aren't playing hard all the time, because you will be killed if you play football at half-speed while everyone else isn't.  You could try to argue that teams collectively decide to slack off, but we've seen that before, too.  It's called the Pro Bowl, and the Pro Bowl sucks.

People really push this idea when it comes to basketball, though.  Personally, I don't buy the fact that pro players don't play hard, because there is no other sensible reason for Kobe Bryant to sweat that much.  If Kobe is sweating like that and not playing hard, I suggest that he see a doctor.  I mean, besides the one about to cut open his shoulder.

Now, if you told me that pro players didn't play hard every night, you might have an argument, and even then, I don't blame the players.  The players aren't slacking off because they're overpaid fat-cats that can't be bothered to entertain the fans.  The players are slacking off because they have to play the Knicks six times.

The NBA season is already an 82 game grind, and you expect these players to bring the same fire that they'd give to Chicago to the Philadelphia 76ers?  The good teams get more of a challenge playing themselves in practice.  Playing the Sixers multiple times is like the morning conference call of basketball games.  It has to be done to make the boss happy, but you're not about to pretend like it's truly necessary.

It's only an expectation because it's believed that Michael Jordan did it.  Oh, Jordan never took a game off.  And he probably didn't, because Michael Jordan is a lunatic.  You saw from his Hall of Fame speech how much trouble he's having adjusting to civilized society, where every perceived slight isn't grounds for some form of revenge.  When regular people do that, they usually need to seek some form of counseling, because making the other person keep shooting half-court shots for two hours until you win (this actually happened) isn't a realistic option.  But let's make Michael Jordan's rare psychosis the standard for NBA players.  Kobe shares this affliction, but you hate Kobe, and right now, he's trying to figure out how to tape up his rotator cuff so he can play next week.  This isn't healthy behavior.

Besides, the NBA season is four times as long as a college season.  Who can't bring it for twenty games?  True, being browbeaten by some redass college coach could be exhausting, but if you're any good, you're only gonna be there for a year or two, anyway.  When you're a 19 year old college player who has agents secretly telling him that he's going in the lottery, and girls sneaking in and out of your dorm room, you're not listening to the coach, anyway.  Play defense? Defense is for suckers.  Carmelo didn't play defense at Syracuse (and it was a zone defense, at that), and he has a $124 million dollar deal.

And that's what it's all about, anyway.  They're not doing this for some mythical love of the game.  This is their audition for the same millions that Carmelo gets.  They don't love the game any more than the pros do.  They just don't have to keep up the illusion as long.

But let these kids have to go on a six game road trip in the middle of a forty game season, through flyover country, against a bunch of schools that even Digger Phelps would struggle to recognize, and see how much effort you get.  John Calipari could offer his players cash bribes on top of their secret signing bonuses and Kentucky still wouldn't show up against Kennesaw State.  Hell, if they did show up against Kennesaw State and beat them by 70, these same folks would complain that Kentucky ran up the score.

So I don't mind if players take a few games off because who cares, they're playing Charlotte.  If Golden State really brought it for four quarters against Charlotte, Charlotte would lose by 200 points and Michael Jordan's anger would make him try to suit up again.

And you shouldn't care, either, because it's not like those games get aired by anyone except NBA TV.

"Birthers." Even their name is stupid.

In 2009, people can say whatever crazy shit they want to and get on the news, so keeping in that spirit, I think Harry Truman's presidency should be revoked, because I don't even acknowledge Iowa as a state. I demand that Soledad O'Brien interview me, live and in person. With baby oil.

I'm not going to pretend that I've never been caught up in a good conspiracy theory, because no one was able to explain how Tupac got those Jordans months before they came out. But at the same time, I was 18, and teenagers are all full of stupid ideas, like how pulling out keeps girls from getting pregnant, or that their dreams can still come true. I think we're all allowed a few crazy ideas at that age, because the hormones haven't quite settled down yet.

But when you're in your 30s and 40s, reality shouldn't have just set in, it should have caused a drinking problem. Time travel isn't real, the secret coven of leprechauns haven't taught us magic, and you're never going to walk on to an NFL team. The dream is over. Your brain has finished firming up and there shouldn't be any new ideas working their way in there, like accepting Black people as President.

I guess that's the only way I can explain a movement like "The Birthers" actually taking hold. The other explanation I have is, these people are fucking stupid.

Some conspiracy theories, I can see why they keep going. 9/11 was never adequately explained to some people and the whole thing was overseen by Bush and Cheney, the most secretive administration in my lifetime. They look like they're hiding something. The JFK Assassination will never die until the extradimensional aliens outside of our realm of perception confronts us with the evil that infects our world. And who will ever forget the National Enquirer showing Elvis visiting his own grave in 1992?

But if your whole argument is that he wasn't born in America and they take the time to acknowledge your little fringe lunatic group by making the damn thing available to everyone on the internet (because if it's there, it's gotta be true), and all you can say is, "it isn't real enough," then fuck you, because you don't want an answer, you want confirmation that your crazy ass was right.

For the record, my birth certificate also says, "Certificate of Live Birth." People who read books take that to mean "birth certificate," but I see how the preposition and adjective can confuse you. I've seen a fake birth certificate. His isn't one of them. If it was, anal computer nerds would have come out of the woodwork, like that time "60 Minutes" got busted for putting the wrong font on those memos that said Bush tried to get out of his National Guard service. More people than just the barely literate would be on this.

So just be glad you're on TV, because you never saw the government lend credence to the 9/11 theorists, and you're way crazier than they are. Not only that, no one who likes having credibility never even says the phrase, "denying the Holocaust" unless their applying it to some racist who just shot up the place. Just be glad with what the attention you've already gotten, because the crazy movements before yours never got this far. As conspiracy theories go, you've hit the mainstream. All of the other ones are jealous little girls when they look at the "birthers."

What's funny is, these are the exact same people who had nothing to say except "suck it, Gore!" when Bush stole the first election. It's not even a conspiracy theory. It actually happened and has been documented that all of the votes were never counted and the Supreme Court crowned Bush as President. You're not doing this to defend the sovereignty of America, because your boy won. So what's this really about?

As much as I would like to say, "it's because you're racists who can't stand having a Black Commander-in-Chief," I won't, because apparently, it's no longer okay to accuse people of racism, even when it's clearly happening. It's almost like racists are doing like Jewish people do when they accuse everyone of anti-Semitism for being critical of Israel. So if white people call Michelle Obama a "monkey (like it's outside the realm of possibility)," the second Al Sharpton speaks up in protest (because you know Al's gonna have something to say), he gets accused of "playing the race card."

But, it's not like folks have ever asked any of the other Presidents to prove they're from America. Just this one. I can relate to that. It's like being asked the prove why you're driving a certain car or in a certain neighborhood. I'm not saying it's a race issue....I'm just saying.

I won't get into that, though. Since the "birthers" can't have a racist among them (they just CAN'T), we've gotta come up with a new reason why they hang onto this (along with the "secret Muslim" schtick, "closet Socialist," and "He's not like us,"), which brings me back to my original accusation...these people are fucking stupid. It's becoming interesting watching CNN anchors dance around calling them this on live TV. I put my money on Rick Sanchez slipping up. That guy is on the EDGE, just one bad day away from "Rick Smash!"

These people would have to be stupid to believe a conspiracy theory that far out there, because everyone knows that the Learned Elders of Zion handpick our Presidents decades in advance, and I don't see them overlooking a detail like him actually being from Kenya. That's why they're "learned." But, if it's that big a problem, just want three to seven years, and the problem will eventually correct itself.

Surprisingly, this DIY plastic surgery went horribly wrong

Woman's DIY Plastic Surgery 'Nightmare' - ABC News

Sometimes, we should just let some people die. When you're the kind of person who'd willingly perform plastic surgery ON YOURSELF, the odds are pretty high that your stomach will soon find itself trying to digest a bottle of Pine-Sol or a handful of broken glass, and I don't think we should waste valuable manpower trying to keep these people safe from themselves.

But that's the kind of person that Mary (not her real name, because she's rightfully embarrassed by her own stupidity) is. She ordered syringes and silicone off of the internet and injected it into her lips. And just when you thought it couldn't get stupider than that, did I tell you that she got the wrong kind of silicone? Instead of the real stuff that doctors use, she actually injected K-Y Jelly.

Her body immediately rejected it and FUCKED her face up, presumably as punishment, because only one of them was able to figure out that this shit wasn't supposed to be in her face, and it wasn't the one with the brain. See, when you have to depend on your body's violent rejection of a synthetic substance to let you know that you shouldn't have injected it into your body, you prove to be the kind of person that we should go ahead and be an example to the rest of us.

All I ask is that next time you put it on YouTube so we can watch it all happen. I'm sure YouTube-iverse would love to watch the effects of someone injecting hair dye directly into their follicles, because they think it'll make all of their hair change color.

It's probably mean of me to make fun of this woman, but she injected K-Y Jelly INTO HER FACE. When you're a dumbfuck of that magnitude, you kind of deserve what you get, be it ridicule, or permanent injury.

There are some acts of cosmetology that you can do yourself, like waxing your back or cutting your own hair. If you're doing your own plastic surgery, you might as well just make your appointment with the real doctor at the start, because there's no way you're not going to end up there. You might as well just cut to the chase and do it right the first time.

Scary thing is, this is a college-educated woman, which proves two things: Just because you have a degree doesn't mean you're smart, and no amount of education will stand in the way of a person determined to do something stupid.

Texas: Electing Retards Since 1845

It's not that Texas is great; it's that it's okay to be stupid there. It's a state that doesn't let a little thing like intelligence keep you from governing over others. Look at the retards you guys keep putting in office.

There's George W. Bush, whose clear and unfettered stupidity had me wondering exactly how much money George 41 paid for his son's "C" average at Yale. There's Sheila Jackson-Lee, the US Representative who's only claim to fame is suggesting that the US Weather Service start using stereotypical "Black" names for hurricanes, so as not to appear racist. The Texas Board of Education voted to ban schools there from teaching the theoretical age of the universe just two weeks ago. Chairman of the Board Don McElroy says that "someone has got to stand up to experts," with all their knowing stuff and reading. He then accused all experts of being "witches."

Now, we can add Texas State Rep. Betty Brown to the list for the statement she recently made. She told Chinese-American lawyer Ramey Ko that Asian-Americans having trouble with voter registration should choose new names, "easier for Americans to deal with."

Because it's just too much to ask for Americans to learn to pronounce something that's not in English. Only in America would someone say something this stupid. Really, the only question is, "Who's dumber: Brown or Jackson-Lee?"

She had to have been doing this on purpose, because outdoing Sheila Jackson-Lee's battle against hurricane bigotry took some work. She had to dig deep in the bag to get on that level, because what Mrs. Jackson-Lee said was so stupid that it offended the Earth. That's why Hurricane Katrina came in and wrecked shit like it did.

But I think Brown might have a leg-up in this "Battle of the Stupids." Her comment was not only stupid, but racist, too. On and unrelated note, she's also a Republican, the same party that supports a woman who's so dumb, she can't even tell you what she reads (Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin), a man who wouldn't accept extra unemployment funds and suggested his constituents use prayer to keep from becoming homeless (Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina), a woman who's always in the news for saying something insane (Google 'Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann') and another guy who apparently agrees with selling out his heritage, because he changed his name from "Piyush" to "Bobby (Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal)."

Just because it worked for one of your party members who was looking for some mass appeal doesn't mean that everyone's okay with that idea. Who would I be to suggest to another human being that they should change their name just because I'm not smart enough to say or spell it? It's not the same thing as changing your shirt or pulling your pants up. This is their family name, which means way more to Asians than it does to us. It's a link to their parents, their grandparents, their ancestors who shared that same name through the centuries. But, no, Betty Brown thinks that they should change it just because she can't get her ass off the short bus.

Really, going by her rationale, I should have changed my name, too, because it's been a bitch going through life named "Thaddeus." People can't be expected to say all of those syllables all in the proper order and stuff. There's like, eight letters in my name.

So what I did was, I went to the Betty Brown Name Generator and got a new name. I will now be known, henceforth, as Billy-Ray "Wal-Mart" Brown. But only in Texas, where I know the residents have trouble with multiple syllables, subject-verb agreements and are not allowed to know that the universe is roughly 14 billion years old.

Now that's change you can believe in.

Hugging your friends will initiate the Apocalypse, scientists say

Clearly, this is just preparation for the day when The Body Snatchers invade our world and are looking for those who exhibit smiles and happiness as the tip-off for people who haven't been assimilated into their collective yet. Or perhaps we're just being protected from that prophecy in the Bible that states that being happy and enjoying the companionship of your friends is what gives the Anti-Christ his power to begin storming the gates of Heaven. It's all for our own good.

Mascoutah Middle School student Megan Coulter was given two days detention for daring to risk her own life and the lives of two friends by hugging them before leaving school. Noble and protective Superintendent Sam McGowan thinks that this is okay to do, because it was printed in the student handbook. He followed his reasoning up with "Duh!" and was later quoted as saying, "School by-laws state that logic and reason are not allowed on school property." The rules must have been written by the Catholic Church.

Coulter tried to justify her reprehensible acts by claiming that they "weren't even full-on hugs, just an innocent arm around the shoulder and a slight squeeze." Lord knows what could have happened if she used two arms. Her friends might have let out a joyous reaction of some sort before the Pod People set upon their school. Witnesses to this horrible crime would have burst into flames or their heads would have exploded. We simply can't have people liking each other in public.

Really, this one is stupid, even for me. If it's wrong to show affection to your fellow classmates, how long is it going to be before we're not allowed to wave or wink at people? Hell, for shut-ins like me, the first hugs I ever got from people who weren't already related to me were girls at school. Speaking of my school experiences, had I gone to this school, they probably would have executed me by way of lethal injection, because I spent most of the 8th grade grabbing the ass of the girl that I liked at the time. I didn't know any better, but I won't apologize because she got her payback in the form of punching me in the crotch. True story.

Coulter was quoted as saying, "Nobody can believe it," and I would suggest that's because the average person tends to do their thinking while their brain is actually inside their head and not when it's sitting in a pickle jar under their desk. How stupid do you have to be not only to write a rule like this, but actually enforce it? Seriously, does it hurt to be this retarded?

Or maybe these people are just evil. Assistant Principal Randy Blakely was the one who handed down the punishment, and if you add up all of the letters in his name, divide them by "Sigma" and multiply the answer by 163, before converting it all into AASCI code, you'll get a message that states that "Randy Blakely will usher in the war on happy feelings." Our only defense from this will be the Care Bear Stare.

Seriously, what is a rule like this going to prove, that even the most asisine rules will be enforced? It's not like she was tongue-kissing her shirtless friends before pulling a strap-on out of her locker, and it's not like she was anally raping them, despite their cries that she stop. She gave her friends a half-hug. She's a eighth grade girl, and anyone who doesn't understand that girls like touching people as a show of affection clearly doesn't need to be supervising a middle school full of them.

And there's no need for a superintendent or principal who can't be bothered to think aloud that a rule where students aren't allowed to physically show affection could possibly be a stupid one. What these administrators don't understand is that the kids can see how stupid this is and will openly mock the teachers for this. They've just lost all their credibility amongst people whose voices still crack. Next time Randy Blakely comes around a group of students and they start fake hugging each other in his face, he's got no one else to blame except his ability to question a rule that anyone could see doesn't make any sense.

Be on the lookout for a mother being brought up on molestation charges for kissing her kids goodbye on school grounds or a 12 year old boy getting arrested for indecent exposure when he's called up to the board to work on a math problem during his accidental erection. This is what's in our future.

Your phone book thinks you're stupid

The cover of my phone book actually says, "Please do not use while operating a motor vehicle." I decided to heed the advice, not because of my glaring lack of X-Ray vision or because I depend on my phone book to keep me out of life-threatening situations, but instead because my brain is so full of knowledge that I know not to casually leaf through the phone book while I'm driving.

When did we become a world of idiots? If I actually need a warning to let me know that I shouldn't sprinkle rat poison on my pancakes because it's 1000% more fatal that powdered sugar, or that the air around me will eventually run out if I wear a plastic bag on my head, I'm in worse trouble than warnings on innocuous, everyday objects will be able to save me from.

I'm assuming that this is being done because corporations are allergic to being sued, like most people, but this is a pretty overkill reaction. Sure, that women who claimed not to know that scalding hot coffee burns got over, and so did the family of the robber who was killed by a booby trap set by the guy who was repeatedly robbed, but I don't think anyone, anywhere would say, "You're right. It's the phone company fault that you drove your car into a shopping mall. They shouldn't have made that phone book of theirs such a page-turner that you couldn't help but continue to read it, even when you supposed to be operating a 2,000 pound vehicle moving at a high rate of speed."

Do you know anyone who would seriously try to sue someone over this? Do you know a lawyer who would tell this person that they would take their case on any other day besides April 1st? If you do, I need to you do me a favor: Put them behind the wheel of a larger, even faster vehicle, like a light-rail train or a space shuttle, turn it on and give them another phone book. Maybe the next time they allow themselves to be completely distracted by the most boring book in Creation, they'll take themselves out in the process.

Corporations of America...we're not all stupid. I know we've fallen in love with texting while we're driving and shows that feature people hurting themselves for advertising dollars, but seriously...stop putting messages like this on your products. If there really is someone out there who'll fall into the tempting trap that is eating pop rocks and dynamite because they want a bigger explosion in their mouth, all the warnings in the world aren't going to keep them from blowing themselves up. And chances are, they're probably not smart enough to sue you, anyway. Assuming they live through it. Let's all pray that they don't.

Vandalism: The Eighth Deadly Sin

As further proof that we are being governed by people who are quite possibly missing a chromosome, I submit this to you:

In New York, a mother was cited by the police because of the horribly offensive graffiti that her 6-year old daughter vandalized the front stoop of their home with. Reports say that as a result of this vandalism, the surrounding homes became crack houses within the hour and crime skyrocketed to record levels.

What did the prepubescent terror, first-grader Natalie Shea, use to completely crush Brooklyn's property values? That’s right, Crayola brand colored chalk. Their entire lineage should be put in jail for this.

It doesn’t matter that the girl’s previous pictures of unicorns and flowers were washed away the next time it rained. This time, she could possibly be using chalk that could last for two, or even three extra rainstorms.

Thank Giuliani that he trained the populace of New York so well in these troubled times, to completely overreact to the actions of our neighbors. In this case, it was, in fact, a neighbor who complained about the lasting effect such non-permanent defacings would have on their community. According to a number of biographies on Osama bin Laden, this is exactly how he got started on the path to global terror. As we all know, sidewalk doodling is a gateway crime that leads directly to planting bombs.

Adolf Hitler was known to scribble on the walls of his childhood home as a child. That’s the reason why he learned to be a house painter; so he could feed his addiction for destruction, while at the same time, learning the skills that would allow him to evade capture. Viewing these facts, it’s quite easy to link these actions with his later atrocities, such as genocide and invading France.

So thank that meddling neighbor who called the police who were enforcing the anti-graffiti laws written by Rudolph Giuliani. Because these people chose to be a bother, and the cops decided to forego any semblance of critical reasoning before writing the ticket, we’ve squashed one criminal or terrorist career before it even starts.

When questioned about this ticket, the girl’s mother said that she's just have to wash the chalk away faster in the future. She also panicked and screamed that she doesn't harbor terrorists and that she'll inform the authorities next time her child gets on the school bus with overly sharpened pencils. After all, we must blow things completely out of proportion or the terrorists win.

Niggas vs. Tasteful Automobiles

Straight from the Dumb Nigga Marketing Department:

Just when you thought you had seen the worst that a nigga could do to his car.

After we had survived niggas ruining the legacy of the Crown Royal, the Cadillac, and every big bodied car that Chevrolet made in the 70s and 80s. After we turned a blind eye to gold rims, dropped suspension, , low profiles, neon lights, hydraulics, spoilers on everything, candy paint, and tinted windows so dark that it forced the cops to pull them over. Even grossly oversized rims, the chrome rim phase, and rims that spin don't bother me as much as the hot new nigga craze.

I was riding down South Hairston in Stone Mountain when I rolled up on this car. It was a Crown Royal, but it looked different than every other crown royal, because it was partially painted yellow and partially painted red and it had some writing on the sides, and a picture on the trunk. I became curious, so I got closer.

At this point, I could read what it said, but I thought to myself, "No, it can't really say that. That would be stupid." But when we stopped at the light at Redan Rd. and South Hairston I got a good look at this car and I truly believed that The Hamburglar must have dropped some acid in my double-cheeseburger, because I can't really be seeing this.

The car was emblazoned with the McDonald's logo.

It said McDonald's on the side and it had the McDonald's logo on the hood and trunk. Simply put, it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen. The only thing that would have made it worse is if they had somehow worked the McDonald's characters faces into the color scheme. I'm sure that's the next step. It's got to be.

When I got to my parents' house, I talked to a couple of my aunts and they said that they had seen all kinds of products being painted on cars recently. Apparently, it's something that's come out of Alabama, and I wonder why, dear sweet, sugary Jesus, why would you take your cues from people who come out of Alabama?

So all the niggas that can read, come to the computer. I want to tell you something and I want you to translate it into nigga-speak so other dumb niggas can understand this: Corporate America loves dumb niggas like yourselves. What your monkey ass thinks is "dat fire," intelligent people see as "free advertising."

And "fucking stupid." Can't stress that enough. You might as well be painting "White people: Yes, I am a nigger," on the side of your car. On the hood, you can paint the California Raisins singing, "I like chicken."

These companies are constantly looking for ways to exploit you and show you the least amount of respect as possible. This time, they didn't even have to think it up. It probably occurred to them at some point, but they never went through with it, because they probably thought, "Nah...that's ridiculous, even for the marketing department."

Do you really think McDonald's is going to be proud of you for sucking up to them like this? Do you think that Remy Martin (I saw this car today) is going to give you free shit for spending your own money to advertise their product? I know you don't own stock in the company or anything, because dumb niggas don't invest. Dumb niggas don't even have bank accounts.

I really hope this doesn't catch on because if I see a white person riding around with "Abercrombie & Fitch" on their car, I don't think I'm gonna be able to handle it. I'm really hoping that we don't see the depths of the nigga imagination on this one. It's just a matter of time before someone starts wearing Pepsi-branded gold teeth. Ladies with Cristal logos on their fingernails. Kool-Aid branded hair styles. It's not that big of a stretch because some women actually dye their hair with Kool-Aid.

See what you've started? Now my inner-nigga is coming out. The difference between you and me, though, is that I'm probably going to kill mine by reading books and staying out of jail. You know what else they hate? When I wear my pants up on my waist. Gets 'em every time.

Niggas...just stop. I'm tired of calling you niggas, but I can't call you "black people," because you're too busy being niggas. You're enjoying your niggerdom just a little too much and it's embarrassing the rest of us. And I don't want you jumping to the end and just tattooing your faces with these logos. It's stupid to give companies free advertising. Make them pay you for it, like NASCAR, not spending your own money to plaster your car with their logos. Anything else is just backwards.

Or maybe I haven't done enough research on this. Maybe you are getting paid to do this. It still doesn't change the fact that your car looks retarded. NASCAR drivers don't take their cars out on I-285. But it's good to know that niggas can put a price on their dignity. Maybe that's what it means to be "keepin' it real."