"Birthers." Even their name is stupid.

In 2009, people can say whatever crazy shit they want to and get on the news, so keeping in that spirit, I think Harry Truman's presidency should be revoked, because I don't even acknowledge Iowa as a state. I demand that Soledad O'Brien interview me, live and in person. With baby oil.

I'm not going to pretend that I've never been caught up in a good conspiracy theory, because no one was able to explain how Tupac got those Jordans months before they came out. But at the same time, I was 18, and teenagers are all full of stupid ideas, like how pulling out keeps girls from getting pregnant, or that their dreams can still come true. I think we're all allowed a few crazy ideas at that age, because the hormones haven't quite settled down yet.

But when you're in your 30s and 40s, reality shouldn't have just set in, it should have caused a drinking problem. Time travel isn't real, the secret coven of leprechauns haven't taught us magic, and you're never going to walk on to an NFL team. The dream is over. Your brain has finished firming up and there shouldn't be any new ideas working their way in there, like accepting Black people as President.

I guess that's the only way I can explain a movement like "The Birthers" actually taking hold. The other explanation I have is, these people are fucking stupid.

Some conspiracy theories, I can see why they keep going. 9/11 was never adequately explained to some people and the whole thing was overseen by Bush and Cheney, the most secretive administration in my lifetime. They look like they're hiding something. The JFK Assassination will never die until the extradimensional aliens outside of our realm of perception confronts us with the evil that infects our world. And who will ever forget the National Enquirer showing Elvis visiting his own grave in 1992?

But if your whole argument is that he wasn't born in America and they take the time to acknowledge your little fringe lunatic group by making the damn thing available to everyone on the internet (because if it's there, it's gotta be true), and all you can say is, "it isn't real enough," then fuck you, because you don't want an answer, you want confirmation that your crazy ass was right.

For the record, my birth certificate also says, "Certificate of Live Birth." People who read books take that to mean "birth certificate," but I see how the preposition and adjective can confuse you. I've seen a fake birth certificate. His isn't one of them. If it was, anal computer nerds would have come out of the woodwork, like that time "60 Minutes" got busted for putting the wrong font on those memos that said Bush tried to get out of his National Guard service. More people than just the barely literate would be on this.

So just be glad you're on TV, because you never saw the government lend credence to the 9/11 theorists, and you're way crazier than they are. Not only that, no one who likes having credibility never even says the phrase, "denying the Holocaust" unless their applying it to some racist who just shot up the place. Just be glad with what the attention you've already gotten, because the crazy movements before yours never got this far. As conspiracy theories go, you've hit the mainstream. All of the other ones are jealous little girls when they look at the "birthers."

What's funny is, these are the exact same people who had nothing to say except "suck it, Gore!" when Bush stole the first election. It's not even a conspiracy theory. It actually happened and has been documented that all of the votes were never counted and the Supreme Court crowned Bush as President. You're not doing this to defend the sovereignty of America, because your boy won. So what's this really about?

As much as I would like to say, "it's because you're racists who can't stand having a Black Commander-in-Chief," I won't, because apparently, it's no longer okay to accuse people of racism, even when it's clearly happening. It's almost like racists are doing like Jewish people do when they accuse everyone of anti-Semitism for being critical of Israel. So if white people call Michelle Obama a "monkey (like it's outside the realm of possibility)," the second Al Sharpton speaks up in protest (because you know Al's gonna have something to say), he gets accused of "playing the race card."

But, it's not like folks have ever asked any of the other Presidents to prove they're from America. Just this one. I can relate to that. It's like being asked the prove why you're driving a certain car or in a certain neighborhood. I'm not saying it's a race issue....I'm just saying.

I won't get into that, though. Since the "birthers" can't have a racist among them (they just CAN'T), we've gotta come up with a new reason why they hang onto this (along with the "secret Muslim" schtick, "closet Socialist," and "He's not like us,"), which brings me back to my original accusation...these people are fucking stupid. It's becoming interesting watching CNN anchors dance around calling them this on live TV. I put my money on Rick Sanchez slipping up. That guy is on the EDGE, just one bad day away from "Rick Smash!"

These people would have to be stupid to believe a conspiracy theory that far out there, because everyone knows that the Learned Elders of Zion handpick our Presidents decades in advance, and I don't see them overlooking a detail like him actually being from Kenya. That's why they're "learned." But, if it's that big a problem, just want three to seven years, and the problem will eventually correct itself.