I used to think that Minnesota was such a genius state, because they elected Jesse Ventura as governor, but then I noticed that they also elected US Rep. Michele Bachmann, she with the crazy eyes who always makes with the crazy talk. In retrospect, you guys are fucking retarded, because you elected this loon AND a pro wrestler. You're stupider than California's cowboy-and-future-cyborg electing ass.
Michele Bachmann never has any shortage of crazy things to say, which makes me glad that I live anywhere outside of her district. Her district could be the only option outside of living in a state run by rabid monkeys and I'd still think I was getting better deal living somewhere else. The state I live in right now kept electing Zell Miller who, while also crazy, has the excuse of being senile. Bachmann is only in her 40s, which means she's just like that.
Anyway, yesterday, Bachmann spoke at some teleconference thing called "Keeping Faith for the Unborn," a title that I don't even fully comprehend, and even while surrounded by lots of fellow crazies (including an elected official who called a gay man's murder a "hoax" and another one who refused to concede after she lost her reelection in November) she still managed to make her level of crazy stand out from the rest.
She implored that everyone get down on their knees and pray that health care reform fails. After all, it's not like there's anything in there that could be useful, like preventing insurance companies from denying coverage based on pre-existing conditions.
Then, she reiterated that HR 3200 would create provisions for "death panels," a myth that not only was debunked by people who have been working on the bill (i.e., they've seen the shit), but was mostly promoted by a person who not only doesn't work in Congress at all, but doesn't even have a job. "Thank God Sarah Palin said that," Bachmann is quoted as saying. And I agree. Thank God she said it, because it just drives home the fact that we'll never have to worry about her being President.
To follow that up, a caller asked if there was a plan to require all doctors to perform abortions, and even though she's in Congress and has access to the bills in the works, she didn't say, "No, stupid," because, you know, it's not in the works. She said, “Unless we explicitly restrict these items, I think we can fully expect that these radical pro-abortion individuals could very likely make those decisions."
Yes, lets restrict the items that no one has brought up. "I think we should explicitly restrict publicly dryhumping table legs." "Let's put a ban on broken glass in breakfast cereals. Think about the children."
Then, she called for prayer again, to make sure that health care reform fails. I can't believe that you elected this nut, Minnesota. Even the Republicans acknowledge that some form of health care reform needs to happen. But the idea that this woman would pray to God that things won't get better...well, you deserve what you get. I hope all of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes simultaneously catch fire.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Jim Traber's brain is why I hate sports-talk radio
See, this is why I hate listening to sports-talk radio.
There's no such thing as a reasonable discussion on a lot of shows, because you're too busy fighting off some meathead who won't shut the fuck up. It's like all that's required to be a sports radio host is not knowing how to engage in basic conversational techniques, like "not interrupting" or "using your inside voice."
Turns out a lot of people like for a host to just yell about nothing for four hours. That's why Chris Russo or Rush Limbaugh are so popular. Angry white people are chic in the post-Obama era, like leg warmers. Me, I can't deal with them or failed 80s fashion trends. And I feel especially sorry for the residents of Oklahoma City, who don't seem to have that many options outside of Jim Traber, the latest in a long line of stupid people who shut off their brains and scream into a mic about some imagined moral outrage.
This fucking guy got on the radio earlier in August and bitched about Sonics forward (I will not call them "the Thunder") Nick Collison liking Seattle, because as we all know, you're supposed to sell your fucking soul to the city where your team is based.
Then, Collison called into the show to defend himself because all he did was comment on the weather on his Twitter page. Traber basically told Collison that he should get down on his knees and suck off OKC for accepting the former Sonics, because no one was coming to the games in Seattle. I'm sure Collison was confused, because he doesn't speak Idiot. In Traber's language, "hot" is loosely translated as "Fuck Oklahoma City and all that it stands for in it's stupid gay cowboy ass."
I'm so glad this guy isn't on the air here in Atlanta. It makes me grateful that shows like "The Rude Awakening" are only "boring" and not "dumb as a fence post." See, what Traber doesn't seem to get is that Collison is a grown ass man and can like whatever city he wants, and if Traber doesn't like it, then fuck Traber. It's really just that simple. I pity the listeners who have to sit through Traber's rant on "Toothpaste that Collison likes," or "Collison's favorite Spongebob episodes."
The truth of the matter is, Clay Bennett bought the Seattle Supersonics with every intention of moving them to Oklahoma City, which makes him a liar. He never wanted to keep the team in Seattle, because if he did, they'd still be in Seattle. He went up there, went through the motions, and said, "Hey, look, they don't want to build us a new arena, so we're moving. I did everything I could. Look, I even set a deadline." Because if you set a deadline, everything that happens after that is the other guy's fault. You can claim, "They didn't want to meet the conditions." It doesn't matter that the conditions are one-sided or impossible. Like George W.'s deadline for Iraq to turn over it's weapons arsenal, despite the evidence stating that they never had one.
Fuck Clay Bennett. New arenas are not a requirement to compete in the NBA. If the Air Canada Centre (opened 1999) is supposed to be the vanguard that protects the Toronto Raptors from sucking, then it's failing in its stated mission.
Now, if Nick Collison didn't like that, he has every right not to, because in America, we're allowed to like or not like shit. I'm free to think that McDonald's hamburgers have the health benefits of a quart of motor oil or that I'm better than people who watch reality TV. I'm not going to get sent to the gulag for re-education, because it's a free country. But Collison didn't even badmouth OKC, even if it is some pissant, podunk cowtown (or so I've heard). All he said was that it was hot there, and it is unless the Weather Channel and his own perceptions are lying to us. But who lets facts stand in the way of a chance to spit on a microphone in feigned anger?
Collison DID say (in 2008) that he didn't want to leave Seattle and he still has a home there. Traber doesn't like that he feels that way, because in his mind, I guess a contract with the team should overtake pesky things like "ties to a particular location." But like I said before, fuck Traber. Who gets mad about shit like this?
Thing is, like Collison repeatedly said, liking Seattle has nothing to do with Oklahoma City, but who has time to listen to a rational argument? Traber's still got piss and vinegar to use up. The Sonics could have moved to Kansas City or Albequerque or El Paso, and Collison would have likely said the same thing, because it gets hot there, too, asshole. With an stupidity level that high, I'm willing to bet two inches off my dick that he watches Fox News.
If the criticism of your city that you just made up is bothering you that much, then maybe you should work on improving your city. It's not Seattle's or Nick Collison's fault that you think your city sucks. Much like your time spent in locker rooms around the world, it's clear that you have an inferiority complex.
I pity you, Oklahoma City, if this is the best you've got. This is the same guy who bashes ESPN's Bill Simmons for refusing to mention Oklahoma City's name (because he's not from OKC, he sees how shady that move was, too). Between this and Oklahoman sportswriter Jenni Carlson not knowing what the hell she's talking about, I could move out there and clean up. These fucking people are pissed at Nick Collison's geographic preferences, when they could be bitching about something that they actually have free reign to talk about: Those ugly jerseys that their stolen team is forced to wear.
Now that's something that should cause some outrage.
There's no such thing as a reasonable discussion on a lot of shows, because you're too busy fighting off some meathead who won't shut the fuck up. It's like all that's required to be a sports radio host is not knowing how to engage in basic conversational techniques, like "not interrupting" or "using your inside voice."
Turns out a lot of people like for a host to just yell about nothing for four hours. That's why Chris Russo or Rush Limbaugh are so popular. Angry white people are chic in the post-Obama era, like leg warmers. Me, I can't deal with them or failed 80s fashion trends. And I feel especially sorry for the residents of Oklahoma City, who don't seem to have that many options outside of Jim Traber, the latest in a long line of stupid people who shut off their brains and scream into a mic about some imagined moral outrage.
This fucking guy got on the radio earlier in August and bitched about Sonics forward (I will not call them "the Thunder") Nick Collison liking Seattle, because as we all know, you're supposed to sell your fucking soul to the city where your team is based.
Then, Collison called into the show to defend himself because all he did was comment on the weather on his Twitter page. Traber basically told Collison that he should get down on his knees and suck off OKC for accepting the former Sonics, because no one was coming to the games in Seattle. I'm sure Collison was confused, because he doesn't speak Idiot. In Traber's language, "hot" is loosely translated as "Fuck Oklahoma City and all that it stands for in it's stupid gay cowboy ass."
I'm so glad this guy isn't on the air here in Atlanta. It makes me grateful that shows like "The Rude Awakening" are only "boring" and not "dumb as a fence post." See, what Traber doesn't seem to get is that Collison is a grown ass man and can like whatever city he wants, and if Traber doesn't like it, then fuck Traber. It's really just that simple. I pity the listeners who have to sit through Traber's rant on "Toothpaste that Collison likes," or "Collison's favorite Spongebob episodes."
The truth of the matter is, Clay Bennett bought the Seattle Supersonics with every intention of moving them to Oklahoma City, which makes him a liar. He never wanted to keep the team in Seattle, because if he did, they'd still be in Seattle. He went up there, went through the motions, and said, "Hey, look, they don't want to build us a new arena, so we're moving. I did everything I could. Look, I even set a deadline." Because if you set a deadline, everything that happens after that is the other guy's fault. You can claim, "They didn't want to meet the conditions." It doesn't matter that the conditions are one-sided or impossible. Like George W.'s deadline for Iraq to turn over it's weapons arsenal, despite the evidence stating that they never had one.
Fuck Clay Bennett. New arenas are not a requirement to compete in the NBA. If the Air Canada Centre (opened 1999) is supposed to be the vanguard that protects the Toronto Raptors from sucking, then it's failing in its stated mission.
Now, if Nick Collison didn't like that, he has every right not to, because in America, we're allowed to like or not like shit. I'm free to think that McDonald's hamburgers have the health benefits of a quart of motor oil or that I'm better than people who watch reality TV. I'm not going to get sent to the gulag for re-education, because it's a free country. But Collison didn't even badmouth OKC, even if it is some pissant, podunk cowtown (or so I've heard). All he said was that it was hot there, and it is unless the Weather Channel and his own perceptions are lying to us. But who lets facts stand in the way of a chance to spit on a microphone in feigned anger?
Collison DID say (in 2008) that he didn't want to leave Seattle and he still has a home there. Traber doesn't like that he feels that way, because in his mind, I guess a contract with the team should overtake pesky things like "ties to a particular location." But like I said before, fuck Traber. Who gets mad about shit like this?
Thing is, like Collison repeatedly said, liking Seattle has nothing to do with Oklahoma City, but who has time to listen to a rational argument? Traber's still got piss and vinegar to use up. The Sonics could have moved to Kansas City or Albequerque or El Paso, and Collison would have likely said the same thing, because it gets hot there, too, asshole. With an stupidity level that high, I'm willing to bet two inches off my dick that he watches Fox News.
If the criticism of your city that you just made up is bothering you that much, then maybe you should work on improving your city. It's not Seattle's or Nick Collison's fault that you think your city sucks. Much like your time spent in locker rooms around the world, it's clear that you have an inferiority complex.
I pity you, Oklahoma City, if this is the best you've got. This is the same guy who bashes ESPN's Bill Simmons for refusing to mention Oklahoma City's name (because he's not from OKC, he sees how shady that move was, too). Between this and Oklahoman sportswriter Jenni Carlson not knowing what the hell she's talking about, I could move out there and clean up. These fucking people are pissed at Nick Collison's geographic preferences, when they could be bitching about something that they actually have free reign to talk about: Those ugly jerseys that their stolen team is forced to wear.
Now that's something that should cause some outrage.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Why You Suck at Twittering
I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I'm some kind of interesting person, because if people saw what I spent most of my time doing, they'd say, "I can't believe I wanted to have sex with you in college." Why would I delude myself into thinking that anyone cared that I was at Wal-Mart, or on the train, or eating graham crackers? Would you really care to know any of that shit?
No, but millions seem to think that every boring aspect of their lives are worthy of broadcasting to the world. Because we should all stop everything we're doing to read 140 characters worth of "I'm watching David and Victoria on The View." That's a great weight off my mind, funkygirl354. You keep that up and the TV Guide Channel will begging to buy out the valuable service that you're providing.
Seriously, your life can't be so boring that you can't think up anything else to tell us. "Sitting in the park" is the best you can do? You didn't see two homeless guys fighting or a car fire or a dog humping a cat on the way to work today? No clever anecdotes from the morning show crew? Didn't Jealous Chick #1 act catty towards Jealous Chick #5 on "Real Housewives of El Segundo" last night? All of the shit going on around you and all you got to tell us is "I'm wearing my favorite blue shirt today. Yay!" You didn't even have the good sense to pick out an interesting piece of clothing.
Lots of people simply comment on the day's events or a religious passage or someone pissing them off at work. There are a lot of things happening out there to talk about that could start an interesting conversation or just give a little insight into who you are. "Standing in line at the QT" is not one of those statements.
If you're one of those fucking people, you're probably wondering why no one ever comments on your various pages. After all, who couldn't resist following up on a nugget like, "Walking into The Hose Barrel for another pair of support hose." All of the hard work you put into assembling these things, and no one seems to care. Well, in case you're not getting it, no one cares about the mundane details of your life, as interesting as you might think pantyhose shopping might be.
Seriously, I can't let you keep going through life thinking that we care about the minutia of anyone's life. We don't. Stop it, because you're only abusing the technology, like people who're using genetics as a way to cure disease instead of creating organ farms, like God intended.
Only famous people can get away with talking about unimportant shit, because we like to know what our social betters are doing at all times. When Shaq tweets about sitting in a fancy restaurant, it gives us a glimpse into the private life of a magnetic personality. When you tweet about going to Ruby Tuesday, it's just one more dull thing you've done that day. What's the point in telling people about the exact same shit that they're doing in their own lives? You're not giving us anything new or unique; a different slant on life here on Earth. I can go do the same thing, only I've got the good fucking sense to keep it all to myself.
No one's going to care if I say, "Eating with person-you-don't-know @ Golden Corral." That's just another tweet that tells me that you're incredibly uninteresting. A sentence like that is supposed to be the opening to a much larger, more interesting story, like, "...then a dancing bear came in, covered in his former master's remnants and dragged three people away." It should not be the entire story, because if you told someone that in real life, they'd say to you, and I quote, "Who gives a fuck?"
Now, if you tweeted "Having a steak and ice cream eating contest with Larry @ Golden Corral; If I don't win soon, the cleanup crew is gonna hate me," now that's something that can get folks' attention. No one's gonna think you're cool, but they will know that you are a disgusting glutton, and that's something they can sink their teeth into. We live in a YouTube age, and nothing gets more attention than someone who's willing to let their life unravel before our very eyes. Imagine the possibilities. Can you imagine what would have happened if Michael Jackson had gotten caught up in Twitter?
That's really what it's all about: We just want to be entertained, provoked, poked, prodded, or something. Give us something to make us think, to make us laugh, smile, angry, just react in some kind of way. Tell us what's on your mind, have an opinion about something. Or maybe you should let us watch you self-destruct. Whether it's the "Leave Britney Alone" guy or Stephon Marbury, having an emotional meltdown in front of the world is a surefire way to make people care what's going on in your world.
That's what this crap is here for in the first place: Getting attention. If you didn't want it, you wouldn't be trying (and failing) so hard to get it by pulling back the curtain and revealing the mystery of how you order your latte at Starbucks.
No, but millions seem to think that every boring aspect of their lives are worthy of broadcasting to the world. Because we should all stop everything we're doing to read 140 characters worth of "I'm watching David and Victoria on The View." That's a great weight off my mind, funkygirl354. You keep that up and the TV Guide Channel will begging to buy out the valuable service that you're providing.
Seriously, your life can't be so boring that you can't think up anything else to tell us. "Sitting in the park" is the best you can do? You didn't see two homeless guys fighting or a car fire or a dog humping a cat on the way to work today? No clever anecdotes from the morning show crew? Didn't Jealous Chick #1 act catty towards Jealous Chick #5 on "Real Housewives of El Segundo" last night? All of the shit going on around you and all you got to tell us is "I'm wearing my favorite blue shirt today. Yay!" You didn't even have the good sense to pick out an interesting piece of clothing.
Lots of people simply comment on the day's events or a religious passage or someone pissing them off at work. There are a lot of things happening out there to talk about that could start an interesting conversation or just give a little insight into who you are. "Standing in line at the QT" is not one of those statements.
If you're one of those fucking people, you're probably wondering why no one ever comments on your various pages. After all, who couldn't resist following up on a nugget like, "Walking into The Hose Barrel for another pair of support hose." All of the hard work you put into assembling these things, and no one seems to care. Well, in case you're not getting it, no one cares about the mundane details of your life, as interesting as you might think pantyhose shopping might be.
Seriously, I can't let you keep going through life thinking that we care about the minutia of anyone's life. We don't. Stop it, because you're only abusing the technology, like people who're using genetics as a way to cure disease instead of creating organ farms, like God intended.
Only famous people can get away with talking about unimportant shit, because we like to know what our social betters are doing at all times. When Shaq tweets about sitting in a fancy restaurant, it gives us a glimpse into the private life of a magnetic personality. When you tweet about going to Ruby Tuesday, it's just one more dull thing you've done that day. What's the point in telling people about the exact same shit that they're doing in their own lives? You're not giving us anything new or unique; a different slant on life here on Earth. I can go do the same thing, only I've got the good fucking sense to keep it all to myself.
No one's going to care if I say, "Eating with person-you-don't-know @ Golden Corral." That's just another tweet that tells me that you're incredibly uninteresting. A sentence like that is supposed to be the opening to a much larger, more interesting story, like, "...then a dancing bear came in, covered in his former master's remnants and dragged three people away." It should not be the entire story, because if you told someone that in real life, they'd say to you, and I quote, "Who gives a fuck?"
Now, if you tweeted "Having a steak and ice cream eating contest with Larry @ Golden Corral; If I don't win soon, the cleanup crew is gonna hate me," now that's something that can get folks' attention. No one's gonna think you're cool, but they will know that you are a disgusting glutton, and that's something they can sink their teeth into. We live in a YouTube age, and nothing gets more attention than someone who's willing to let their life unravel before our very eyes. Imagine the possibilities. Can you imagine what would have happened if Michael Jackson had gotten caught up in Twitter?
That's really what it's all about: We just want to be entertained, provoked, poked, prodded, or something. Give us something to make us think, to make us laugh, smile, angry, just react in some kind of way. Tell us what's on your mind, have an opinion about something. Or maybe you should let us watch you self-destruct. Whether it's the "Leave Britney Alone" guy or Stephon Marbury, having an emotional meltdown in front of the world is a surefire way to make people care what's going on in your world.
That's what this crap is here for in the first place: Getting attention. If you didn't want it, you wouldn't be trying (and failing) so hard to get it by pulling back the curtain and revealing the mystery of how you order your latte at Starbucks.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Forever Suffering From Favre Fatigue
Brett Favre. Are we finally done talking about him for a few months? I'm gonna need a rest from being swamped in Favre Fever. It's like botulism, but with more vomiting. But the only thing I can think about is that when January comes, we're going to be right back here again.
That's the problem with all of this. This makes, what? Six years of Brett Favre retirement speculation, with two and a half actual retirements (the half was from just a month ago, where he told the Vikings that he was staying retired). I probably should even say this, but fuck it: I feel sorry for his wife, because we all know how women love a decisive man.
Look, I understand that retirement from sports can be a difficult thing. You're being forced to give up a game that you've played since you were a kid, a game that, in your mind, you never stop being able to play well. I get that. Professional athletes are generally retired by 40 (except tennis players, who retire by 25). That's a young age. It's not the 1700s anymore. You've still got half of your life left to live, and Lord knows your trophy wife doesn't want you spending it around the house.
But can we get you to pick a side and stick with it? You're not being asked about foreign relations with North Korea; We're just talking about whether or not you're going to keep playing a game that you still want to play.
For three years, sportsmedia was held hostage in the offseason by the prospect that Brett Favre, the eternal child, could retire. Not that he had announced that he would, but that he might. All Brett Favre had to do was nip this crap in the bud and say, "Hey, asshole. I'm not retiring. I'm only 35."
But he didn't do that. And sportsmedia apparently fell in love with the idea of digging in Favre's garbage, checking his used tissues, and dispatching CIA helicopters to wherever he is, so it continued, even when he actually did retire. Thing is, no one believed that he was really retired. And clearly, neither did he, because he spent the first few months of retirement trying to get traded.
Now, why couldn't he just say, "No, I'm not retired." How hard would that have been? Instead, we had to sit through his press conference, where he got all emotional and teary-eyed, and damn near electrocuted himself on the microphone. We had to read everyone's half-assed tributes to Brett Favre <(including my own). He knew all along that he wasn't staying in Hattiesburg. Have you ever been to Hattiesburg? If there weren't stoplights in the middle of town, there would be no reason to stop.
And after forcing a trade to the Jets (because no one would have been dumb enough to trade him to their biggest rival), he decided that he had to up the ante a little bit. Of course, he doesn't know that he wants to go through training camp again (the same bullshit that he's fed you since 2004), but he also needs surgery on his throwing arm! And he's 39! How tough must he be to do all of that at 39? Maybe those Wrangler jeans commercials were right.
You're not fooling me, Brett. You're setting up a return that will pave the way for beatification. If all goes as planned, one day, people will tell their grandkids about the time a 40 year old Brett Favre stopped a sniper's bullet from killing the President with his surgically repaired shoulder. Phases one, two, and three are now complete. And now, we wait. Oh, yes. It's just a matter of time before everyone is wearing St. Brett medals, the patron saint of indecision and media oversaturation.
Didn't you learn anything from Michael Jordan on how to retire? Sure, he came back one too many times, but the difference between his retirements and St. Brett's is that Michael actually retired, let us think about something else, like the Lewinsky scandal, and when he came back, we gave a shit. I don't think the NFL is going to devote the Pro Bowl to glorifying Brett Favre's career, because they're gonna be pissed when they spend all that money and he's got football fans by the balls again next season. And they wonder why fans throw batteries from the upper deck.
All of this could be avoided by Brett Favre opening his mouth and saying, "Yes, I'm coming back," or "No, I'm retiring." Exhaling three or four words isn't going to shave any time off of your life. If you were so worried about that, you wouldn't have played a violent contact sport for 16 years. 16 years that's likely to turn into 17. Or 18. I need a drink.
All of this Machiavellian scheming just so he can stick it to Packers GM Ted Thompson. Now, how petty is that?
On Comparisons to the Nazis...
Okay...let's get this straight:
Comparing Bush to the Nazis is one thing, because right before Hitler started doing all sorts of crazy shit, he took away certain civil liberties of the populace, namely, gun ownership. The Bush Administration was attempting to take away certain civil liberties with the Patriot Act, namely anything relating to "habeas corpus." I'm sure even Bush didn't believe you'd let him get away with that one.
Comparing Obama to the Nazis is fucking crazy, because the only reason anyone believes he's a socialist is because right-wing radio told them that he was. And if you believe them, you'll probably believe me when I tell you that, with practice, you can open gills inside your lungs that allow you to breathe underwater. The only connection between the two is that "Nazi" happens to be shorthand for "National Socialist."
Yet, we got crazy fuckers out there, just slinging the Hitler tag around, like it's the latest slang. Some lady, with the infinite wisdom that makes her a regular viewer of Fox News, yelled "Heil Hitler" at a Jewish man who was talking about health care. It's not even like the guy was an Americanized Jew, like Jon Stewart or Goldberg. This guy spoke with a thick accent and said, "I am from Israel." It takes a special kind of retardation to scream that at a Jew. The kind that it takes to make the argument that white people not being able to call black people "nigger" is a restriction of free speech.
What did Hitler even have to do with the conversation? They were talking about the $8,000 that the Jewish guy spent in the emergency room.
We shouldn't even listen to people who think like this, because if these are valid arguments, then so is the argument that redheaded children contain the soul of the Devil, or that the cancellation of "Touched by an Angel" is proof that the FCC hates Christians. Since we're throwing handfuls of crazy shit at our elected officials like zoo monkeys, let's add that stuff in, too, because those are the pressing concerns that we need to bring the national discourse.
Here's hoping that we have more episodes like the one Barney Frank just gave us. I'm not gay, but if I was, I would totally take a run at him after this.
Comparing Bush to the Nazis is one thing, because right before Hitler started doing all sorts of crazy shit, he took away certain civil liberties of the populace, namely, gun ownership. The Bush Administration was attempting to take away certain civil liberties with the Patriot Act, namely anything relating to "habeas corpus." I'm sure even Bush didn't believe you'd let him get away with that one.
Comparing Obama to the Nazis is fucking crazy, because the only reason anyone believes he's a socialist is because right-wing radio told them that he was. And if you believe them, you'll probably believe me when I tell you that, with practice, you can open gills inside your lungs that allow you to breathe underwater. The only connection between the two is that "Nazi" happens to be shorthand for "National Socialist."
Yet, we got crazy fuckers out there, just slinging the Hitler tag around, like it's the latest slang. Some lady, with the infinite wisdom that makes her a regular viewer of Fox News, yelled "Heil Hitler" at a Jewish man who was talking about health care. It's not even like the guy was an Americanized Jew, like Jon Stewart or Goldberg. This guy spoke with a thick accent and said, "I am from Israel." It takes a special kind of retardation to scream that at a Jew. The kind that it takes to make the argument that white people not being able to call black people "nigger" is a restriction of free speech.
What did Hitler even have to do with the conversation? They were talking about the $8,000 that the Jewish guy spent in the emergency room.
We shouldn't even listen to people who think like this, because if these are valid arguments, then so is the argument that redheaded children contain the soul of the Devil, or that the cancellation of "Touched by an Angel" is proof that the FCC hates Christians. Since we're throwing handfuls of crazy shit at our elected officials like zoo monkeys, let's add that stuff in, too, because those are the pressing concerns that we need to bring the national discourse.
Here's hoping that we have more episodes like the one Barney Frank just gave us. I'm not gay, but if I was, I would totally take a run at him after this.
Monday, August 17, 2009
On Black People and Dogs....
Let's just get it out there: Historically speaking, black people and white people just don't view dogs the same way. Black people's attitudes towards dogs are softening towards dogs, probably because many of us who grew up in the 70s and 80s remember our parents basically not giving a shit about the dog.
We had a dog that wasn't allowed inside to do anything except eat. We chained him to a tree in the backyard all day and at night, he slept in the garage. We had another, smaller dog who was allowed in the house, but when he needed surgery on his leg, we just ignored it. Shit, he wasn't whining about it and he could still run, so we just figured he was fine. We gave that dog away when we moved to England, because my parents weren't willing to pay for him to be quarantined for six months. The last we heard of him, my uncle was dropping him off on the interstate because that solution was easier than actually curing him of worms.
Growing up, we had dogs around the house, but they really weren't like members of the family. They were just our dogs. They weren't like hairier, stupider cousins or anything. They didn't lick us in the face or sleep in our beds or anything like that. They were dogs and we were people. There was a clear dividing line.
Now, the same parents who wouldn't let George in the house or get surgery on Rudy basically adopted my dog, Chico III, regularly take him to the vet, gave him his own room, and my mother is probably feeding him potato chips right now. Black attitudes as it relates to dogs has changed over the years. Which isn't to say that we're all "enlightened" about the love and devotion of dogs. I have an uncle that's from the old school, back in the days when you tied your dog to a truck rim, so he'd strengthen his chest muscles.
But it wasn't that long ago that we all laughed at black comedians who told jokes about how we treated dogs, and how weird white people were for treating their dogs like extra children. I remember some comedian telling a joke about how white people would spend any amount of money to fix their dogs and how funny that was, because there was Rudy, hobbling around the house. I felt bad for Rudy, but it was just understood that you didn't spend money like that on your dogs.
Fifteen years later, Samson is sleeping in my bed with me. Three years after that, I took in a stray puppy that I would name Chico. I couldn't imagine that sort of thing when I was a kid. We're changing.
But in our minds, most of us still don't think that the life of a dog is worth that of a human. We love our dogs, but we're not taking a bullet for one. We just don't view them the same as white people do. Which is why we're not completely mortified when we think of Michael Vick. To us, he did wrong, but it wasn't worth all of what he's had to go through. And it really isn't worth his continued harassment.
We don't think he's evil. We don't think he's a sociopath. He's just a guy who made a mistake, like many other people. And we believe he's paid his debt to society. He should be left alone. The crime was horrific, yes, but we don't think he's capable of being a serial killer. When I was 14, I watched a girl lift her dog up by the ears and throw him down the stairs. She thought it was hilarious. But I don't think she was crazy. Well, at the time I did, but that was because her older sister had spent two years pretending to be pregnanat. That kind of crazy tends to rub off on younger siblings.
Our views on dogs are simply a cultural difference, like why we like Newports and bass guitar. Some stuff just appeals to us and we can't always explain it. We just weren't brought up viewing dogs the same way, eating off of our plates and shit like that. Sorry. We do agree that dogfighting is wrong, though. Most of us. We might have some real bama (backwoods, country) cousins who still do it. Hell, I have relatives who still don't have bank accounts.
We had a dog that wasn't allowed inside to do anything except eat. We chained him to a tree in the backyard all day and at night, he slept in the garage. We had another, smaller dog who was allowed in the house, but when he needed surgery on his leg, we just ignored it. Shit, he wasn't whining about it and he could still run, so we just figured he was fine. We gave that dog away when we moved to England, because my parents weren't willing to pay for him to be quarantined for six months. The last we heard of him, my uncle was dropping him off on the interstate because that solution was easier than actually curing him of worms.
Growing up, we had dogs around the house, but they really weren't like members of the family. They were just our dogs. They weren't like hairier, stupider cousins or anything. They didn't lick us in the face or sleep in our beds or anything like that. They were dogs and we were people. There was a clear dividing line.
Now, the same parents who wouldn't let George in the house or get surgery on Rudy basically adopted my dog, Chico III, regularly take him to the vet, gave him his own room, and my mother is probably feeding him potato chips right now. Black attitudes as it relates to dogs has changed over the years. Which isn't to say that we're all "enlightened" about the love and devotion of dogs. I have an uncle that's from the old school, back in the days when you tied your dog to a truck rim, so he'd strengthen his chest muscles.
But it wasn't that long ago that we all laughed at black comedians who told jokes about how we treated dogs, and how weird white people were for treating their dogs like extra children. I remember some comedian telling a joke about how white people would spend any amount of money to fix their dogs and how funny that was, because there was Rudy, hobbling around the house. I felt bad for Rudy, but it was just understood that you didn't spend money like that on your dogs.
Fifteen years later, Samson is sleeping in my bed with me. Three years after that, I took in a stray puppy that I would name Chico. I couldn't imagine that sort of thing when I was a kid. We're changing.
But in our minds, most of us still don't think that the life of a dog is worth that of a human. We love our dogs, but we're not taking a bullet for one. We just don't view them the same as white people do. Which is why we're not completely mortified when we think of Michael Vick. To us, he did wrong, but it wasn't worth all of what he's had to go through. And it really isn't worth his continued harassment.
We don't think he's evil. We don't think he's a sociopath. He's just a guy who made a mistake, like many other people. And we believe he's paid his debt to society. He should be left alone. The crime was horrific, yes, but we don't think he's capable of being a serial killer. When I was 14, I watched a girl lift her dog up by the ears and throw him down the stairs. She thought it was hilarious. But I don't think she was crazy. Well, at the time I did, but that was because her older sister had spent two years pretending to be pregnanat. That kind of crazy tends to rub off on younger siblings.
Our views on dogs are simply a cultural difference, like why we like Newports and bass guitar. Some stuff just appeals to us and we can't always explain it. We just weren't brought up viewing dogs the same way, eating off of our plates and shit like that. Sorry. We do agree that dogfighting is wrong, though. Most of us. We might have some real bama (backwoods, country) cousins who still do it. Hell, I have relatives who still don't have bank accounts.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Let him lose a game for you before you start being critical
Michael Vick has been an Eagle for less than 24 hours and already, the country is in an uproar. It's almost as if it flares up every time something good happens to him. He gets out of jail, but "he should still be locked up." He gets conditionally reinstated, but "he should never play again." The Eagles sign him to a one year deal, and suddenly, "The Eagles have no character."
I would think that this shows how much character the Eagles do have. What kind of message would it send if they didn't take him because, "Michael Vick isn't worthy of a second chance?" What does that say about America? I thought this country was all about second chances?
Just for the record, I don't believe that "second chance" crap at all. There are people who still haven't forgiven Metallica for cutting their hair.
But some of the things that people are saying are really ridiculous and I just don't understand them. I'm pretty sure Michael Vick doesn't understand them either, but that's what you get when you settle for a Virginia Tech education (hey-ho!). I don't speak for Vick, but I do speak for me, and methinks you sound like an idiot when you make the following statements:
"What has Michael Vick done to show that he's a changed man?"
I'm really sick of hearing this one. What has he done? He went to jail. In America, there's no "kiss-ass" clause that you have to meet before you resume your life after prison. You serve your time, you serve your probation, and you go about your business. I've never read the entire penal code before, but I'm pretty sure there's nothing in there about "groveling before a self-righteous population." If there was, we'd have higher recidivism rate than we already do.
"He hasn't shown remorse for his crimes."
First, you don't know that. It's just that when you believe it's all about you, you believe that he has to do it where you can see it. You didn't see him in jail. You don't know what he did in there or after he got out. And he doesn't owe any of you and explanation.
What are we, ostriches? It didn't happen because our heads were in the sand? Just because it didn't happen in front of you doesn't mean it didn't happen. That's like assuming that just because you didn't see the Bush Administration stealing your civil liberties doesn't mean they didn't actually do it. Meanwhile, you're sitting in jail on a "dissenting thought pattern" charge.
How do you show remorse, anyway? What, do you want him to get out there and cry? The Humane Society has already taken his money, so he can't give that away. What more do you want from him? I really don't understand what people expect him to do to "show remorse." Thing is, this is the first time anyone's ever been expected to show remorse. No one was looking for Mike Tyson to be contrite after he went to jail for rape. We just let him go right back into the ring. Are they going to ask Donte Stallworth to "show remorse" for his crime? Maybe if he got out there and softshoed for you, you'd leave him alone.
For fuck's sake, are you afraid he's going to stomp puppies into a stain for good luck before he goes onto the field?
"Playing football isn't a right; it's a privilege."
So is working at Burger King.
What if you went to jail for running a meth lab or whatever you do, and when you tried to get your job back stocking shelves at Food Depot, but they told you, "Working at Food Depot isn't a right; it's a privilege," before security escorted you out?
I don't even know what this has to do with anything. It's not like he's being disrespectful towards anyone while he tries to get his life back. He's not taking anything for granted here, because if he was, he'd be giving the world a totally different message than he is right now. He's not even a troublemaker, as troublemakers go. He's not Pacman Jones. It's just that the one time he REALLY got in trouble, he REALLY got in trouble.
"I hate Michael Vick."
I hate Kanye West, but it didn't keep "808s and Heartbreak" from going platinum. No one cares.
Look, Jesus is considered by many to be perfect, and he wouldn't piss and moan about this. You know why? Because he's all about forgiveness (and NOT judging), which is why he defended that professional snakeslurper against an angry mob. He also has scary, supernatural powers, and if I had those, I wouldn't care about your earthly affairs, either. But even he would let this go. Everyone makes mistakes, and at some point, we have to atone for those mistakes. He has. And even if you hate what he did (which you're certainly right to do), rubbing his face in it forever isn't going make things right. You're the one who's angry. He just signed a million dollar contract and is trying to atone for his sins. Hell, give him a chance to do it. Do you people ever read your Bibles?
Because at the end of the day, dude...really. It's just football.
I would think that this shows how much character the Eagles do have. What kind of message would it send if they didn't take him because, "Michael Vick isn't worthy of a second chance?" What does that say about America? I thought this country was all about second chances?
Just for the record, I don't believe that "second chance" crap at all. There are people who still haven't forgiven Metallica for cutting their hair.
But some of the things that people are saying are really ridiculous and I just don't understand them. I'm pretty sure Michael Vick doesn't understand them either, but that's what you get when you settle for a Virginia Tech education (hey-ho!). I don't speak for Vick, but I do speak for me, and methinks you sound like an idiot when you make the following statements:
"What has Michael Vick done to show that he's a changed man?"
I'm really sick of hearing this one. What has he done? He went to jail. In America, there's no "kiss-ass" clause that you have to meet before you resume your life after prison. You serve your time, you serve your probation, and you go about your business. I've never read the entire penal code before, but I'm pretty sure there's nothing in there about "groveling before a self-righteous population." If there was, we'd have higher recidivism rate than we already do.
"He hasn't shown remorse for his crimes."
First, you don't know that. It's just that when you believe it's all about you, you believe that he has to do it where you can see it. You didn't see him in jail. You don't know what he did in there or after he got out. And he doesn't owe any of you and explanation.
What are we, ostriches? It didn't happen because our heads were in the sand? Just because it didn't happen in front of you doesn't mean it didn't happen. That's like assuming that just because you didn't see the Bush Administration stealing your civil liberties doesn't mean they didn't actually do it. Meanwhile, you're sitting in jail on a "dissenting thought pattern" charge.
How do you show remorse, anyway? What, do you want him to get out there and cry? The Humane Society has already taken his money, so he can't give that away. What more do you want from him? I really don't understand what people expect him to do to "show remorse." Thing is, this is the first time anyone's ever been expected to show remorse. No one was looking for Mike Tyson to be contrite after he went to jail for rape. We just let him go right back into the ring. Are they going to ask Donte Stallworth to "show remorse" for his crime? Maybe if he got out there and softshoed for you, you'd leave him alone.
For fuck's sake, are you afraid he's going to stomp puppies into a stain for good luck before he goes onto the field?
"Playing football isn't a right; it's a privilege."
So is working at Burger King.
What if you went to jail for running a meth lab or whatever you do, and when you tried to get your job back stocking shelves at Food Depot, but they told you, "Working at Food Depot isn't a right; it's a privilege," before security escorted you out?
I don't even know what this has to do with anything. It's not like he's being disrespectful towards anyone while he tries to get his life back. He's not taking anything for granted here, because if he was, he'd be giving the world a totally different message than he is right now. He's not even a troublemaker, as troublemakers go. He's not Pacman Jones. It's just that the one time he REALLY got in trouble, he REALLY got in trouble.
"I hate Michael Vick."
I hate Kanye West, but it didn't keep "808s and Heartbreak" from going platinum. No one cares.
Look, Jesus is considered by many to be perfect, and he wouldn't piss and moan about this. You know why? Because he's all about forgiveness (and NOT judging), which is why he defended that professional snakeslurper against an angry mob. He also has scary, supernatural powers, and if I had those, I wouldn't care about your earthly affairs, either. But even he would let this go. Everyone makes mistakes, and at some point, we have to atone for those mistakes. He has. And even if you hate what he did (which you're certainly right to do), rubbing his face in it forever isn't going make things right. You're the one who's angry. He just signed a million dollar contract and is trying to atone for his sins. Hell, give him a chance to do it. Do you people ever read your Bibles?
Because at the end of the day, dude...really. It's just football.
A letter I just sent to the Atlanta Journal Constitution (through MoveOn.org)
Slaying the socialist bogeyman
You know, a lot of people are trying to scare others by saying things like, "Business are going to drop their employees from their coverage," or "Our country is going socialist."
Well, if health care reform is passed, at least if people get dropped from their coverage, they'll have SOMETHING. I can't believe that people are so fiercely loyal to insurance companies, when they could care less about YOU. They'll drop you faster than Atlanta turned on Michael Vick over the tiniest thing. "Gee, Mr. Smith. We didn't know you had SARS in 2001. We can't cover you."
And why does socialism scare you so much? I'm not saying that we should turn our country into Communist Russia, but I am saying, let's all calm down a smidge, because it's not like the free market invented the eight-hour workday or labor laws. Those are socialist acts. Capitalism is all about exploiting resources, which you are to them. A resource that hasn't been fully exploited yet.
Anyone who's ever taken an economics class knows that pure capitalism won't work. Neither will pure socialism. It takes a mixture of the two to balance them out. And much to the chagrin of some people, socialism has been balancing out our country for a long time.
So calm down when people tell you that we're not the America that they grew up in. Personally, I think that's a good thing, because I don't think a pre-Civil Rights America would be a good place for someone like me. The world changes. Deal with it.
So we add a socialist policy here and there. So what...we're still America. Look, we instituted public schools, Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. All socialist ideas, and last I checked, Rome hadn't caught fire just yet.
This health care thing is no big deal, if they can make it deficit-neutral, which I believe they can. If not, then fine...lose your minds, rioting in the streets. But if not, then stand down and let the people who need it have it, because it's not about YOU right now.
We're happy for you being able to afford your private health insurance. That's great and I'm glad you can. But what about someone who simply can't? What are they supposed to do?
I have a friend who was deployed to Iraq back in 2003, when the whole thing first started (I hope he doesn't mind me telling this story). When he got back, he got out and a few months later, he contracted a disease that put him in a coma for three months. He woke up to a bill of over $110,000. With no insurance. Now, what's he supposed to do?
People say that we can just get insurance through their jobs, but what if the job doesn't offer it? What if it's still too expensive? I had a job that offered it at about $180 a month, but everyone who worked there made $10 an hour or less. These are people with families. No one could afford it, so no one got it.
No one's saying you have to sign up for it, but there are a lot of people out there who want it. Keep your private insurance, because it's not going anywhere. It's still America. And America is predicated on "freedom of choice." We're choosing a public option for ourselves.
As a final dig to people who fear socialism, America's also predicated on the phrase, "All men are created equal." If that's not socialist, I don't know what is.
You know, a lot of people are trying to scare others by saying things like, "Business are going to drop their employees from their coverage," or "Our country is going socialist."
Well, if health care reform is passed, at least if people get dropped from their coverage, they'll have SOMETHING. I can't believe that people are so fiercely loyal to insurance companies, when they could care less about YOU. They'll drop you faster than Atlanta turned on Michael Vick over the tiniest thing. "Gee, Mr. Smith. We didn't know you had SARS in 2001. We can't cover you."
And why does socialism scare you so much? I'm not saying that we should turn our country into Communist Russia, but I am saying, let's all calm down a smidge, because it's not like the free market invented the eight-hour workday or labor laws. Those are socialist acts. Capitalism is all about exploiting resources, which you are to them. A resource that hasn't been fully exploited yet.
Anyone who's ever taken an economics class knows that pure capitalism won't work. Neither will pure socialism. It takes a mixture of the two to balance them out. And much to the chagrin of some people, socialism has been balancing out our country for a long time.
So calm down when people tell you that we're not the America that they grew up in. Personally, I think that's a good thing, because I don't think a pre-Civil Rights America would be a good place for someone like me. The world changes. Deal with it.
So we add a socialist policy here and there. So what...we're still America. Look, we instituted public schools, Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. All socialist ideas, and last I checked, Rome hadn't caught fire just yet.
This health care thing is no big deal, if they can make it deficit-neutral, which I believe they can. If not, then fine...lose your minds, rioting in the streets. But if not, then stand down and let the people who need it have it, because it's not about YOU right now.
We're happy for you being able to afford your private health insurance. That's great and I'm glad you can. But what about someone who simply can't? What are they supposed to do?
I have a friend who was deployed to Iraq back in 2003, when the whole thing first started (I hope he doesn't mind me telling this story). When he got back, he got out and a few months later, he contracted a disease that put him in a coma for three months. He woke up to a bill of over $110,000. With no insurance. Now, what's he supposed to do?
People say that we can just get insurance through their jobs, but what if the job doesn't offer it? What if it's still too expensive? I had a job that offered it at about $180 a month, but everyone who worked there made $10 an hour or less. These are people with families. No one could afford it, so no one got it.
No one's saying you have to sign up for it, but there are a lot of people out there who want it. Keep your private insurance, because it's not going anywhere. It's still America. And America is predicated on "freedom of choice." We're choosing a public option for ourselves.
As a final dig to people who fear socialism, America's also predicated on the phrase, "All men are created equal." If that's not socialist, I don't know what is.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Why the fuck are you putting your dick there?
You know, there was a time when people weren't just outward perverts.
Back in the olden days, people were too tired from working the North 40 or raising nine kids (with one on the way) to worry about what got them off. Sure, the men got their nut off, but we all know that a strong wind can get a man off. And the woman's only hope for pleasure was hoping that a movie would one day be made about life on the Oklahoman frontier, starring Scarlett Johansson, with Hugh Jackman as the journeyman field hand, whose gruff exterior hides the irresistable and tender heart of a poet within.
Basically, no one had the time for that crap, because we had shit to do. Back then, it was either get to work or DIE. We couldn't go to Wal-Mart and grab two boxes of Hamburger Helper, because back then, if we didn't plant the crops in August, we weren't gonna have shit to eat in April.
But now, people are just fucking crazy. People will have sex withalmost anything, and that includes cars, lampposts, imaginary creatures, and are somehow aroused by the idea of this. I don't understand how, but yes, there are people out there who get off on the idea of cooking and eating other people. I seem to remember a story from years ago about a guy in France who let another guy chop off, cook, and eat his penis. I'm not proud of that memory, and I think I might be more messed up than they are for remembering it.
Now, however much time it took to figure out that it takes shit like that to get you off, that's how many more hours we need to add to the workday.
I'm not saying that people are wrong for their sexual fetishes, and I don't even wonder how far it will go, because that will inevitably lead back to "2 Girls 1 Cup," and none of us want that. I'm just wondering when someone found the time to figure out that they liked having sex with picnic tables.
I also want to know why someone thought that actually giving it a name would be more productive than public ridicule.
Because, let's face it, there's something wrong with a person who visits graveyards on the hope that a ghost will try to have sex with him. I'd think he was slightly more normal if he just dug up the corpse and had his way. And either way, that person needs to either be made fun of heavily sedated. You just shouldn't put your dick in certain places.
It's not like we don't all have our fetishes. It's just that some of our fetishes today cross the line from, "shit you might stumble across in the bedroom," to "what's your straight jacket size?" I mean, when it comes to normal fetishes, I've got no room to talk about anyone, because I shamelessly threw myself at a girl once just because she had pretty feet. But I assume that's somewhat normal, because it's something that involves a living, breathing, creature and a normal part of her body. Hell, I had a girl once tell me she wanted to suck my teeth. I didn't get it, but who am I to judge? It's not like she said, "rub your dick cheese all over me."
There's a clear line between that stuff and humping a tree. How do you know that you'll enjoy that, and how is it that the urge is so irresistable that you just have to do it during your lunch hour in the park?
The weirdness factor of sexual fetishes should rank on a scale of "How Comfortable I'd Be Explaining This To My Parents." The foot thing would be awkward, but who knows, my dad might understand and have a similar story that I don't want to hear. I don't think anyone would want to have the conversation about why their little girl has that guy's dick in their mouth, but it's not like Mom doesn't understand. How do you think she landed Dad in the first place? It wasn't her personality, I'll tell you that.
But if Mom and Dad burst in the room and caught you and your lover rubbing your own shit on each other, that would be a little hard to explain. I can only imagine what the parents of the "2 Girls, 1 Cup" video think about their daughters. "Get your own plate, Jenny. I've seen where your mouth has been."
So if you don't think your parents can handle it when the police tell them, "We caught your son humping the neighbor's tailpipe. No, sir, that's not a euphemism. '08 Mustang, ma'am," then maybe you should try not to fuck cars. If you don't think you can face your parents after they bail you out for sexing up the neighbor's horse for the second time, then maybe you should try to control yourself. The very least you can do, for your own pride, and your parents' mental health is to just buy your own house and do all the wild shit you want to inside those walls. If not for yourself, then for them.
There's no way a story that humiliating won't lead off the evening news. And thanks your inability to control yourself, they're going for forever known as the parents of "the guy who got his dick caught in a park bench." The family reunion suddenly got a little more awkward.
Back in the olden days, people were too tired from working the North 40 or raising nine kids (with one on the way) to worry about what got them off. Sure, the men got their nut off, but we all know that a strong wind can get a man off. And the woman's only hope for pleasure was hoping that a movie would one day be made about life on the Oklahoman frontier, starring Scarlett Johansson, with Hugh Jackman as the journeyman field hand, whose gruff exterior hides the irresistable and tender heart of a poet within.
Basically, no one had the time for that crap, because we had shit to do. Back then, it was either get to work or DIE. We couldn't go to Wal-Mart and grab two boxes of Hamburger Helper, because back then, if we didn't plant the crops in August, we weren't gonna have shit to eat in April.
But now, people are just fucking crazy. People will have sex with
Now, however much time it took to figure out that it takes shit like that to get you off, that's how many more hours we need to add to the workday.
I'm not saying that people are wrong for their sexual fetishes, and I don't even wonder how far it will go, because that will inevitably lead back to "2 Girls 1 Cup," and none of us want that. I'm just wondering when someone found the time to figure out that they liked having sex with picnic tables.
I also want to know why someone thought that actually giving it a name would be more productive than public ridicule.
Because, let's face it, there's something wrong with a person who visits graveyards on the hope that a ghost will try to have sex with him. I'd think he was slightly more normal if he just dug up the corpse and had his way. And either way, that person needs to either be made fun of heavily sedated. You just shouldn't put your dick in certain places.
It's not like we don't all have our fetishes. It's just that some of our fetishes today cross the line from, "shit you might stumble across in the bedroom," to "what's your straight jacket size?" I mean, when it comes to normal fetishes, I've got no room to talk about anyone, because I shamelessly threw myself at a girl once just because she had pretty feet. But I assume that's somewhat normal, because it's something that involves a living, breathing, creature and a normal part of her body. Hell, I had a girl once tell me she wanted to suck my teeth. I didn't get it, but who am I to judge? It's not like she said, "rub your dick cheese all over me."
There's a clear line between that stuff and humping a tree. How do you know that you'll enjoy that, and how is it that the urge is so irresistable that you just have to do it during your lunch hour in the park?
The weirdness factor of sexual fetishes should rank on a scale of "How Comfortable I'd Be Explaining This To My Parents." The foot thing would be awkward, but who knows, my dad might understand and have a similar story that I don't want to hear. I don't think anyone would want to have the conversation about why their little girl has that guy's dick in their mouth, but it's not like Mom doesn't understand. How do you think she landed Dad in the first place? It wasn't her personality, I'll tell you that.
But if Mom and Dad burst in the room and caught you and your lover rubbing your own shit on each other, that would be a little hard to explain. I can only imagine what the parents of the "2 Girls, 1 Cup" video think about their daughters. "Get your own plate, Jenny. I've seen where your mouth has been."
So if you don't think your parents can handle it when the police tell them, "We caught your son humping the neighbor's tailpipe. No, sir, that's not a euphemism. '08 Mustang, ma'am," then maybe you should try not to fuck cars. If you don't think you can face your parents after they bail you out for sexing up the neighbor's horse for the second time, then maybe you should try to control yourself. The very least you can do, for your own pride, and your parents' mental health is to just buy your own house and do all the wild shit you want to inside those walls. If not for yourself, then for them.
There's no way a story that humiliating won't lead off the evening news. And thanks your inability to control yourself, they're going for forever known as the parents of "the guy who got his dick caught in a park bench." The family reunion suddenly got a little more awkward.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The Art of Debate Doesn't Involve Screaming
I had a friend that used to claim that he was a great debater, but whenever anyone would try debating him, the whole thing just boiled down to him shouting the other person down, then calling them names. Eventually, I just stopped engaging him in debate. I'd just let him talk until he said whatever it was he wanted to get out, then leave the room, because that was why he started the conversation to begin with. It wasn't to listen, it was speak his mind.
But what does that solve? Sure, one side gets to speak their minds, but what if the other side has some helpful information that you might need. What if, heaven forbid, you don't know what you're talking about?
Let's say you're a know-it-all who won't shut the fuck up. And you're standing next to a mountain that's about to explode. Now, there's a government geologist with you who's trying to tell you that the mountain is about to blow up and that you should leave "unless you're able to survive a 500 megaton explosion and submersion in lava." Which you're not, because humans are surprisingly fragile, believe it or not. But you won't listen, because Glenn Beck said that listening to the government is going to lead us to socialism. You shout the guy down, and he stops trying to save you. Two thousand years later, an anthropologist has your idiot bones displayed in an exhibit entitled, "Dumbfuck who wouldn't get away from the exploding mountain."
This is the kind of stuff that's happening all across the country in these town hall meetings. I'm not saying that either side is right or wrong, but screaming at people because Sean Hannity told you that Obama secretly hates white people isn't going to help anyone except Fox News, I guess. But it doesn't help anything. Nothing turns a person off to listening like screaming over the top of them. If anything, it just makes the screamer look stupid.
See, screaming is generally associated with "crazytalk." You've never heard of anyone screaming being defined as "reasonable," but you have seen them getting tasered by the police. That's not coincidence, folks.
It's also not coincidence that the people doing the screaming are always talking about "death panels" and "having to prove that you're worthy of healthcare." Even when it's said in a relatively calm voice, like Sarah Palin's, it still sounds like lunacy. And that's why Sarah Palin will never become President.
Point being, you're undermining your own debate, simply by screaming. The content doesn't matter, because if I screamed at people that Ann Coulter is a shell that houses the spirit of Satan, no one would believe me, no matter how true it was, until after she was already harvesting souls.
What we should be doing (or at least attempting to do) is engaging in "civilized discourse." Now, some people who regularly watch Fox News might be wondering, "The samhill is that?" Civilized discourse is when two people are conversing like adults. One person speaks in and even and calm tone while the other considers what's being said, before responding in kind. It's basically what we attempt to teach our third graders to do.
Notice that there's nothing in there about "waiting to talk," "interrupting," "name calling," or "shouting from the rafters." That's because those things are inherently against the nature of civilized discourse. The minute those things happen, people are no longer open to listening, and what's that going to solve? You can't convince anyone by insulting them, which is why Pat Robertson will never expand his demographic.
And what kind of example are you setting for your kids? I'm just asking, because these are the same people who are worried about how things affect the children. Well, you're not exactly providing a sterling example of patience when you can't be bothered to behave yourself in a crowded auditorium. Tell you what: Next time your kid gets sent to the office for interrupting his teacher because he didn't understand why he needed to learn long division, don't say shit about rules or manners, because you clearly didn't teach him any. You can't teach what you don't know, right?
How about, we try something new. How about, instead of ruining the credibility of people like yourself by acting a complete ass, and destroying the validity of your argument, you try these steps here:
1. Don't use your moment as a "gotcha" moment. There are only a couple of people in the room who have seen this bill, and you're not one of them. It stands to reason that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Stop asking the person who's actually seen the (1,200 page) bill why they're lying about "killing kids with Down's Syndrome." If you're going to bring up a conspiracy theory, try bringing up one that could actually happen, like a man spending most of his adult life in a drunken haze stealing the Presidency. We're not the Spartans, so we're not worried about the handicapped diluting our gene pool and awesome fighting force.
2. Shut the fuck up. You're not the only person in the room and someone who isn't a hillbilly might want to hear what's being said. You're talking to an elected member of government, not heckling a stand-up comic. If I were the person speaking, I'd pretend that I felt threatened and have security escort your face into their fists.
3. Understand that it's possible that Fox News might not be entirely honest at times. Believe it or not, Sean Hannity has blatantly edited video to persuade people to believe what he wants. I know it's hard to believe, because who couldn't trust a strapping, young Irishman like Sean Hannity? Only the people who have caught him in his many lies. To quote his favorite pageant winner/post-abandoner, Sarah Palin, "How about you quit making stuff up?" You know, like "Obama's a Kenyan Socialist." I suppose he's from the future, too.
There's nothing wrong with disagreements, because we all have them. I don't call people stupid for buying Beyonce's music, but I just hope that one day, they'll see the light. What we're not seeing is that it's not about winning the argument, it's about finding a workable solution that we can all live with. Like Al Sharpton recently said to Ann Coulter, just before she went back to her hateful talking points, "Just because we disagree doesn't mean we have to be disagreeable." And that's why Michael Steele and Colin Powell are saying that people need to stop listening to Rush Limbaugh. It's also why Rush Limbaugh would never succeed in politics. That's why he sits in a dungeon all day instead of making a real impact on the world. Except for how he's keeping people from getting along.
But what does that solve? Sure, one side gets to speak their minds, but what if the other side has some helpful information that you might need. What if, heaven forbid, you don't know what you're talking about?
Let's say you're a know-it-all who won't shut the fuck up. And you're standing next to a mountain that's about to explode. Now, there's a government geologist with you who's trying to tell you that the mountain is about to blow up and that you should leave "unless you're able to survive a 500 megaton explosion and submersion in lava." Which you're not, because humans are surprisingly fragile, believe it or not. But you won't listen, because Glenn Beck said that listening to the government is going to lead us to socialism. You shout the guy down, and he stops trying to save you. Two thousand years later, an anthropologist has your idiot bones displayed in an exhibit entitled, "Dumbfuck who wouldn't get away from the exploding mountain."
This is the kind of stuff that's happening all across the country in these town hall meetings. I'm not saying that either side is right or wrong, but screaming at people because Sean Hannity told you that Obama secretly hates white people isn't going to help anyone except Fox News, I guess. But it doesn't help anything. Nothing turns a person off to listening like screaming over the top of them. If anything, it just makes the screamer look stupid.
See, screaming is generally associated with "crazytalk." You've never heard of anyone screaming being defined as "reasonable," but you have seen them getting tasered by the police. That's not coincidence, folks.
It's also not coincidence that the people doing the screaming are always talking about "death panels" and "having to prove that you're worthy of healthcare." Even when it's said in a relatively calm voice, like Sarah Palin's, it still sounds like lunacy. And that's why Sarah Palin will never become President.
Point being, you're undermining your own debate, simply by screaming. The content doesn't matter, because if I screamed at people that Ann Coulter is a shell that houses the spirit of Satan, no one would believe me, no matter how true it was, until after she was already harvesting souls.
What we should be doing (or at least attempting to do) is engaging in "civilized discourse." Now, some people who regularly watch Fox News might be wondering, "The samhill is that?" Civilized discourse is when two people are conversing like adults. One person speaks in and even and calm tone while the other considers what's being said, before responding in kind. It's basically what we attempt to teach our third graders to do.
Notice that there's nothing in there about "waiting to talk," "interrupting," "name calling," or "shouting from the rafters." That's because those things are inherently against the nature of civilized discourse. The minute those things happen, people are no longer open to listening, and what's that going to solve? You can't convince anyone by insulting them, which is why Pat Robertson will never expand his demographic.
And what kind of example are you setting for your kids? I'm just asking, because these are the same people who are worried about how things affect the children. Well, you're not exactly providing a sterling example of patience when you can't be bothered to behave yourself in a crowded auditorium. Tell you what: Next time your kid gets sent to the office for interrupting his teacher because he didn't understand why he needed to learn long division, don't say shit about rules or manners, because you clearly didn't teach him any. You can't teach what you don't know, right?
How about, we try something new. How about, instead of ruining the credibility of people like yourself by acting a complete ass, and destroying the validity of your argument, you try these steps here:
1. Don't use your moment as a "gotcha" moment. There are only a couple of people in the room who have seen this bill, and you're not one of them. It stands to reason that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Stop asking the person who's actually seen the (1,200 page) bill why they're lying about "killing kids with Down's Syndrome." If you're going to bring up a conspiracy theory, try bringing up one that could actually happen, like a man spending most of his adult life in a drunken haze stealing the Presidency. We're not the Spartans, so we're not worried about the handicapped diluting our gene pool and awesome fighting force.
2. Shut the fuck up. You're not the only person in the room and someone who isn't a hillbilly might want to hear what's being said. You're talking to an elected member of government, not heckling a stand-up comic. If I were the person speaking, I'd pretend that I felt threatened and have security escort your face into their fists.
3. Understand that it's possible that Fox News might not be entirely honest at times. Believe it or not, Sean Hannity has blatantly edited video to persuade people to believe what he wants. I know it's hard to believe, because who couldn't trust a strapping, young Irishman like Sean Hannity? Only the people who have caught him in his many lies. To quote his favorite pageant winner/post-abandoner, Sarah Palin, "How about you quit making stuff up?" You know, like "Obama's a Kenyan Socialist." I suppose he's from the future, too.
There's nothing wrong with disagreements, because we all have them. I don't call people stupid for buying Beyonce's music, but I just hope that one day, they'll see the light. What we're not seeing is that it's not about winning the argument, it's about finding a workable solution that we can all live with. Like Al Sharpton recently said to Ann Coulter, just before she went back to her hateful talking points, "Just because we disagree doesn't mean we have to be disagreeable." And that's why Michael Steele and Colin Powell are saying that people need to stop listening to Rush Limbaugh. It's also why Rush Limbaugh would never succeed in politics. That's why he sits in a dungeon all day instead of making a real impact on the world. Except for how he's keeping people from getting along.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)