Rob Parker is a goddamn idiot

Yes, it should come to no surprise to anyone that Rob Parker is a goddamn idiot.  As ESPN's premier sad sack (he reminds me of Grady from Sanford and Son), I've dreaded seeing him on TV for years and have wondered why they keep bringing him back.  I'd rather have a show with two Bill Plaschkes than one with Rob Parker.  He's not funny, witty, or insightful; He really just keeps talking until someone smarter interrupts him. 

And that's usually what happens, because it's not like he brings anything important to the conversation.  But the day he wants to talk about the "cornball brother," that's the time Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith pick to be like, "No, wait, I want to hear this."

It was stupid and ignorant, but not for the reasons that many might think.  White folks, I appreciate your sensitivity in this matter (Fantastic, I sound like Skip Bayless), but Rob Parker isn't a racist.  At least, not against black folks.  I dunno how he feels about white folks.  If you feel he is, I'm not about to defend him, because fuck that guy.  But his words came from a place that a lot of black people like me have had to deal with.  Those of us who have dared to step away from the group know his mindset all too well.

When I was growing up, I was always put to the side because of how I spoke, how I liked to read, and the things I was into.  I couldn't (and still can't) dance.  I liked rock and heavy metal.  I read comic books.  I didn't dress the same as everyone else, I wasn't particularly into sports, The Color Purple, breakdancing, whatever.  I did my own thing.  And because of that, I was labeled as a "black/white kid," I was "corny," I was "lame."  I had a hard time making friends with black kids because our mindsets were so different.  So, a lot of my friends wound up being white and I stuck out, no matter who I was with  

To white people, this might not be a big deal, but with black people, we all tended to fit into a similar mold.  We were supposed to be united as a people, which is understandable, considering our history.  Look, when you're a segregated people with limited educational options in a hostile nation, you're probably going to have similar interests. 

It's something a lot of us deal with to this day.  Dating outside the race aside, black Republicans know what it's like to be called a sell-out for having a different viewpoint.  Black atheists don't even have the acceptance of black Republicans, because too many of us just assume that we're all Christians.  It's still kind of strange to see black people even riding skateboards.  Really, when it comes to black people who live outside the norm, crackheads and gay people rank higher than Republicans and atheists.  Despite the best efforts of Pharrell and Lupe Fiasco, skateboards are still written off as "white folks shit," just like "having sex in scary movies," and "investigating where the noise is coming from." 

So, Robert Griffin III isn't dealing with anything new.  He's just of a higher profile.  If he is different from the norm, it'll be a good thing, because as an athlete, he's already forcing change.  He's free to do his thing, because it's not like someone's actually going to write him off as a "cornball."  Not while he's rich and famous.  So, if he's into something weird, it's more likely to be accepted, and that can only help some kid coming up who's feeling left out.  In a post-RGIII world, that kid might not be cast aside as a lame or a cornball.  People might be like, "Hey, RGIII does that, too," and give this kid a chance.

And regardless of what he's into, he's still gonna be black.  He's just being his own man.  And these days, it really doesn't matter.  Tiger Woods' insatiable love of white women, proper speaking voice, or complete disavowal of his African roots didn't stop black folks from supporting him.  And it's not like melanin washes off.  What people like Rob Parker don't get is that, it doesn't matter what music we listen to or who we date or who we vote for.  I might not be in the NAACP, but I'm just as black as the next man.  I just happen to have on a "Ranger Danger" t-shirt.

Just because we have common roots doesn't mean we are all identical.  It's not like we all have a direct line to the projects, where our blackness can be verified.  I don't know a single person in the projects.  But I'm still black.  Cultures change, and whether or not our "blackness" meets Rob Parker's standards is irrelevant.  When did a baseball writer become the arbiter for "blackness," anyway?

See, he's got me doing it, too.  Such an asshole. 

Roy Williams is catching T.O.'s "Diva Disease," idiots say.

Some people seem to think that complaining about your own performance in a team sport is selfish. After all, it's all supposed to be about the team. Terrell Owens is the devil himself for doing this, or at the very least, some sort of mythical figure of evil.

Roy Williams, Owens' "replacement" on the Dallas Cowboys, is likely to be the latest target of people who think like this.

He's disappointed with his performance throughout the season, and he should be. If it hadn't been for Miles Austin, Cowboys fans would have been wondering if it was too late to bring back T.O.

But there seems to be Ol' Roy's problem. From ESPN.com: "He gets the ball thrown correctly his way," Williams said of Austin. "I'm stretching and falling and doing everything. Everybody [else] who's been here's balls are there. Our footballs [from Romo to Williams] are everywhere right now."

And he's right. Romo and Williams just aren't on the same page. Romo is throwing behind Williams or Williams breaks off routes too early. And this is despite working out with Romo in the offseason, who believe it or not, actually worked out in the offseason. They were better when they were making it up on the fly last season.

Is he wrong for pointing it out, though? His team is 5-2, tied for first in their division, and can take the number one spot outright by beating the Philadelphia Eagles this weekend. Plus, he's rich, in shape, and plays football for a living. What the fuck could he have to complain about? Selfish prick. I'd sit on the bench and just be happy if they're paying me that kinda money.

See, that's what regular asshole sports fans say, not knowing the situation.

First of all, like always, a reporter asked the question and he simply answered it. He didn't call a press conference to announce that he sucks right now, because Fox is showing us that much for free. But most importantly, this has nothing to do with being selfish. He's happy his team is winning. In fact, ESPN.com said: "Williams stressed that he's pleased that the Cowboys are winning, but he's frustrated that he hasn't been more effective."

How hard is that to understand? Lemme put it in layman's terms.

Let's say you work in a warehouse, but you're just having a bad day. You're putting boxes on the wrong trucks, you're falling out of the scaffolding, and you just keep running over your supervisor's feet with the hand truck. But the company's still profitable. You just want to get through the day without injuring people. Including yourself. That's kinda where Roy is now. Everyone wants to be able to do their part for the team, unless they wash themselves with a rag on a stick. Those people just don't give a damn anymore.

Even T.O.'s drama came from that same line of thinking: "I just want to do my part." It's just that in his case, he believed that the best chance for anyone to win meant throwing him the ball. How was he supposed to know that he had hands of stone?

Not only that, what professional athlete do you know that doesn't want to play well every time out? These are competitive people who understandably get frustrated if they don't do well. What, do you think Michael Jordan punched Steve Kerr because of his geopolitical outlook? Getting angry at poor performances are part of what makes pro athletes into pro athletes, because if that anger is keeping you outside shooting jumpers in the rain, you're not calling into talk radio stations.

Pro athletes people are driven, trash-talking and obsessive, cheaters. Not to mention, bad losers and at times, generally bad people. We hate to see these qualities in people, but that's what makes them great. The only opinion that matters to them is theirs, not Nameless Sports Beat Reporter, who thinks he knows what they should be thinking. These people don't read the papers, anyway. Reading is for people who AREN'T living the dream. If I could run a 4.3, I'd have quit opening books in high school, too.

Maybe I'm crazy because it doesn't bother me to hear players talk like Roy Williams is doing now. Maybe I understand that sometimes, it's just not enough to be a part of the team, but a VALUED part of the team.

No, he's just being a diva. That must be it.

Brett Favre won't let my hate die

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Forever Suffering From Favre Fatigue

Brett Favre. Are we finally done talking about him for a few months? I'm gonna need a rest from being swamped in Favre Fever. It's like botulism, but with more vomiting. But the only thing I can think about is that when January comes, we're going to be right back here again.

That's the problem with all of this. This makes, what? Six years of Brett Favre retirement speculation, with two and a half actual retirements (the half was from just a month ago, where he told the Vikings that he was staying retired). I probably should even say this, but fuck it: I feel sorry for his wife, because we all know how women love a decisive man.

Look, I understand that retirement from sports can be a difficult thing. You're being forced to give up a game that you've played since you were a kid, a game that, in your mind, you never stop being able to play well. I get that. Professional athletes are generally retired by 40 (except tennis players, who retire by 25). That's a young age. It's not the 1700s anymore. You've still got half of your life left to live, and Lord knows your trophy wife doesn't want you spending it around the house.

But can we get you to pick a side and stick with it? You're not being asked about foreign relations with North Korea; We're just talking about whether or not you're going to keep playing a game that you still want to play.

For three years, sportsmedia was held hostage in the offseason by the prospect that Brett Favre, the eternal child, could retire. Not that he had announced that he would, but that he might. All Brett Favre had to do was nip this crap in the bud and say, "Hey, asshole. I'm not retiring. I'm only 35."

But he didn't do that. And sportsmedia apparently fell in love with the idea of digging in Favre's garbage, checking his used tissues, and dispatching CIA helicopters to wherever he is, so it continued, even when he actually did retire. Thing is, no one believed that he was really retired. And clearly, neither did he, because he spent the first few months of retirement trying to get traded.

Now, why couldn't he just say, "No, I'm not retired." How hard would that have been? Instead, we had to sit through his press conference, where he got all emotional and teary-eyed, and damn near electrocuted himself on the microphone. We had to read everyone's half-assed tributes to Brett Favre <(including my own). He knew all along that he wasn't staying in Hattiesburg. Have you ever been to Hattiesburg? If there weren't stoplights in the middle of town, there would be no reason to stop.

And after forcing a trade to the Jets (because no one would have been dumb enough to trade him to their biggest rival), he decided that he had to up the ante a little bit. Of course, he doesn't know that he wants to go through training camp again (the same bullshit that he's fed you since 2004), but he also needs surgery on his throwing arm! And he's 39! How tough must he be to do all of that at 39? Maybe those Wrangler jeans commercials were right.

You're not fooling me, Brett. You're setting up a return that will pave the way for beatification. If all goes as planned, one day, people will tell their grandkids about the time a 40 year old Brett Favre stopped a sniper's bullet from killing the President with his surgically repaired shoulder. Phases one, two, and three are now complete. And now, we wait. Oh, yes. It's just a matter of time before everyone is wearing St. Brett medals, the patron saint of indecision and media oversaturation.

Didn't you learn anything from Michael Jordan on how to retire? Sure, he came back one too many times, but the difference between his retirements and St. Brett's is that Michael actually retired, let us think about something else, like the Lewinsky scandal, and when he came back, we gave a shit. I don't think the NFL is going to devote the Pro Bowl to glorifying Brett Favre's career, because they're gonna be pissed when they spend all that money and he's got football fans by the balls again next season. And they wonder why fans throw batteries from the upper deck.

All of this could be avoided by Brett Favre opening his mouth and saying, "Yes, I'm coming back," or "No, I'm retiring." Exhaling three or four words isn't going to shave any time off of your life. If you were so worried about that, you wouldn't have played a violent contact sport for 16 years. 16 years that's likely to turn into 17. Or 18. I need a drink.

All of this Machiavellian scheming just so he can stick it to Packers GM Ted Thompson. Now, how petty is that?

Let him lose a game for you before you start being critical

Michael Vick has been an Eagle for less than 24 hours and already, the country is in an uproar. It's almost as if it flares up every time something good happens to him. He gets out of jail, but "he should still be locked up." He gets conditionally reinstated, but "he should never play again." The Eagles sign him to a one year deal, and suddenly, "The Eagles have no character."

I would think that this shows how much character the Eagles do have. What kind of message would it send if they didn't take him because, "Michael Vick isn't worthy of a second chance?" What does that say about America? I thought this country was all about second chances?

Just for the record, I don't believe that "second chance" crap at all. There are people who still haven't forgiven Metallica for cutting their hair.

But some of the things that people are saying are really ridiculous and I just don't understand them. I'm pretty sure Michael Vick doesn't understand them either, but that's what you get when you settle for a Virginia Tech education (hey-ho!). I don't speak for Vick, but I do speak for me, and methinks you sound like an idiot when you make the following statements:

"What has Michael Vick done to show that he's a changed man?"

I'm really sick of hearing this one. What has he done? He went to jail. In America, there's no "kiss-ass" clause that you have to meet before you resume your life after prison. You serve your time, you serve your probation, and you go about your business. I've never read the entire penal code before, but I'm pretty sure there's nothing in there about "groveling before a self-righteous population." If there was, we'd have higher recidivism rate than we already do.

"He hasn't shown remorse for his crimes."

First, you don't know that. It's just that when you believe it's all about you, you believe that he has to do it where you can see it. You didn't see him in jail. You don't know what he did in there or after he got out. And he doesn't owe any of you and explanation.

What are we, ostriches? It didn't happen because our heads were in the sand? Just because it didn't happen in front of you doesn't mean it didn't happen. That's like assuming that just because you didn't see the Bush Administration stealing your civil liberties doesn't mean they didn't actually do it. Meanwhile, you're sitting in jail on a "dissenting thought pattern" charge.

How do you show remorse, anyway? What, do you want him to get out there and cry? The Humane Society has already taken his money, so he can't give that away. What more do you want from him? I really don't understand what people expect him to do to "show remorse." Thing is, this is the first time anyone's ever been expected to show remorse. No one was looking for Mike Tyson to be contrite after he went to jail for rape. We just let him go right back into the ring. Are they going to ask Donte Stallworth to "show remorse" for his crime? Maybe if he got out there and softshoed for you, you'd leave him alone.

For fuck's sake, are you afraid he's going to stomp puppies into a stain for good luck before he goes onto the field?

"Playing football isn't a right; it's a privilege."

So is working at Burger King.

What if you went to jail for running a meth lab or whatever you do, and when you tried to get your job back stocking shelves at Food Depot, but they told you, "Working at Food Depot isn't a right; it's a privilege," before security escorted you out?

I don't even know what this has to do with anything. It's not like he's being disrespectful towards anyone while he tries to get his life back. He's not taking anything for granted here, because if he was, he'd be giving the world a totally different message than he is right now. He's not even a troublemaker, as troublemakers go. He's not Pacman Jones. It's just that the one time he REALLY got in trouble, he REALLY got in trouble.

"I hate Michael Vick."

I hate Kanye West, but it didn't keep "808s and Heartbreak" from going platinum. No one cares.

Look, Jesus is considered by many to be perfect, and he wouldn't piss and moan about this. You know why? Because he's all about forgiveness (and NOT judging), which is why he defended that professional snakeslurper against an angry mob. He also has scary, supernatural powers, and if I had those, I wouldn't care about your earthly affairs, either. But even he would let this go. Everyone makes mistakes, and at some point, we have to atone for those mistakes. He has. And even if you hate what he did (which you're certainly right to do), rubbing his face in it forever isn't going make things right. You're the one who's angry. He just signed a million dollar contract and is trying to atone for his sins. Hell, give him a chance to do it. Do you people ever read your Bibles?

Because at the end of the day, dude...really. It's just football.

Brett Favre. Because we can't be bothered with anything else.

If Wilt Chamberlain was considering a comeback to the NBA next season, that would be news. But because people don't generally come back from the dead to play basketball, we have to settle for the Brett Favre soap opera to lead off every SportsCenter. Why are we still talking about this?

I blame Brett Favre for it all, of course. I can't blame ESPN for following Favre around to high schools and doctor's offices, because that's what they do. They're just trying to sniff out a story that might be there, during a slow news period. Let's face it, the NBA players just aren't embarrassing themselves enough to sustain press interest.

It's Brett Favre's fault because all he has to do is stop throwing footballs with kids 30 years younger than he is. All he has to do is stop listening to offers from Mark Wilf, then Mark Clayton and Len Pasquarelli won't have anything to write about. It's not like they need this to keep their jobs. I hear Pasquarelli's on his way out, anyway.

It's also Brett Favre's fault because he already set the precendent by coming back last year after he "retired." Now, every time he tries to retire after this won't be taken seriously at all. Which means, whether he plays this season or not, we'll probably hear "rumblings" about a comeback all through the next two seasons.

So I can't blame ESPN for Brett Favre leading them around by those nose. It's what reporters are supposed to do; follow the story. If reporters for the major news outlets worked this hard, Bush might not have ever been President.

But I can blame ESPN for the wild speculation. Since an actual hit of news might come once every three days or so, they've gotta fill up the time with something else. Expecting them to talk about the NBA and NHL Playoffs is a ridiculous notion, so that's why they talk about how Brett will be "a good fit" for Minnesota, and think about what kind of offense they might run instead. And about how the players would love to have him. And how they love him already, even though he's not there.

Look, when Tavaris Jackson is your quarterback, just about anybody would be a better fit. Joey Harrington would light it up compared to Tavaris. And all this talk about Brett coming to town really isn't helping Tavaris's self-esteem at all. If Jay Cutler was the Vikings' QB, he'd have stopped taking his insulin weeks ago.

But since we're under 24 Hour BrettWatch, we have to sit through these things to get to the stuff that we actually care about. And truthfully, Ron Artest's love for Subway commercials is more important to me than whatever Dr. James Andrews told him about his shoulder. I'm sure Dr. Andrews told him what we already knew: It's all screwed up. He didn't need to fly to Birmingham to figure that out, because those Jets gametapes already told the story. Something else we've figured out about Brett Favre: He's the most indecisive 40 year old we've ever seen. I've had girlfriends that could decide what they wanted off of the menu faster than this.

It's something that his body has been trying to point out to him by completely breaking down. Shoulders falling apart is a sure-fire sign that he might be too old to keep doing this. So, just go on and retire, Brett. Unless you're completely attention-starved, there's no reason to keep this up. The way it dominates the newscycle, you'd think ESPN was testing interest for a new ESPN channel. ESPN-B. All Brett, all the time. To keep up the un-retirement theme, John Madden will come back to host it.

Just stop it, man. The sooner you retire, the sooner we can see you getting voted off of "Dancing With The Stars." You look like a guy who has no business going near a dance floor.

NFL's "Increase the Peace" Movement

Because quarterbacks, not children, are our most delicate resource, the NFL owners have invented the Bradymobile to keep them safe from human contact. It's just like the Popemobile, except it's also safe from missile attacks and bad breath. (Pictured: Bradymobile prototype. Not pictured: Lost sense of athletic pride.)

Their efforts are aimed at making this violent, hard-hitting game safer. They have decided that it's not the intensity and hard hits that keep fans coming back, but instead the intellectualism. It's hard to appreciate the human chess on the field when the players keep hitting each other. In a similar story, the UFC decided to outlaw punching, kicking, and wrestling so cage-fighting isn't so rough on its fighters. Inspired by the movement, the US military is considering adding pillows to the inside of their bombs to make war safer.

And why this sudden focus on safety? Because the owners want to add two games to the season, believing that no place is safer for NFL players than being in the line of fire. Commissioner Roger Goodell said, "This game is entirely too dangerous and violent, so let's make them play it more." It's like giving out bulletproof vests so people can get shot in the chest more often.

I get some of the changes that have been made in the past, banning horse-collar tackles, shots to the head, not letting people drive trucks onto the field, the logical stuff. But if they ban the "wedge" of kickoff returns they might as well ban offensive linemen and fullbacks. And to say that defensive players can't lunge at quarterbacks when they're on the ground is just plain crazy. They might as well start saying that players can't use their legs to run, because that rule change goes against the defense's basic nature.

See, there's only three things that defensive players know how to do: "get the quarterback," "dive on the ball," and "turn your hips." Basically, this rule change is taking back 33% of everything defensive players know how to do. What are they supposed to fill that brain space with, "making it rain?" You're confusing them and it's not going to make anyone happy when defensive players start standing in front of the quarterback in a daze, because they can't decide whether to hit the guy or throw money at him.

There have already been instances where sacks were missed because the defensive player wasn't sure if he'd be penalized for making the play, and that was before the rule change. After the rule change, when a defensive player is blocked to the ground within a two feet of the quarterback, instead of making a play from his knees, he might as well take a leisurely nap on the field until the whistle is blown. The quarterback's knees are protected and the defensive player is refreshed for the next play.

The way they're headed, they might as well start having quarterbacks throw from behind a concrete wall. Soon, the owners are going to outlaw tackling and blocking and instead rely on a ornate system of verbal cues to trick opposing players into falling down. Maybe hypnotizing players into handing the ball over when the safe word is uttered. It's just a matter of time before a lineman snaps and starts running in circles because he doesn't know what to do.

Yeah, it's a moneymaking venture, and I understand that they want to keep the players safe, so as to better exploit them by adding games, but they also need to remember that it's football. It's a game that's dependent on hard-hitting, intensity, and physicality. The pattern of rule changes is taking all of that away. Take tackling, shoving, pushing, and hard glares away from football and what are you left with?

Catch.

And I don't think anyone will be willing to pay $40 to watch muscled-up men peacefully throw a ball to each other.

It's supposed to be violent. It's supposed to hurt. That's why people play it. If the owners don't want their players to get hurt, then they got into the wrong business. Maybe they should put their money into that professional curling league or try to get a TV deal for badminton. It would be worth it to see if the censors would allow them to say "shuttlecock" on television.

T.O. in Buffalo? Didn't see that coming

Wow. Buffalo. And don't be fooled by that fake smile over there, because he does not look happy about it. Might as well have exiled T.O. to Siberia. Or Kansas City. On the bright side, no one's going to see him screw up anything out there. No one saw that coming, mostly because no one even remembered that Buffalo had an NFL team.

So, yeah, Terrell Owens signed a one-year, $6.5 million deal with the Bills. The deal validates the wild claims that agent Drew Rosenhaus made when he said that T.O. would have a deal within the week, although, judging from the look on T.O.'s face during his press conference, I don't think either one of them would consider this a "win." Personally, I believed that Owens would be out of work for a few more months, at which point, teams would no longer be influenced by ESPN's "T.O. Hater Brigade", and realize that at least 15 of them had nothing to lose by signing Owens.

After all, Terrell Owens, love him or hate him, is still one of the NFL's best receivers. The people who dispute that are generally haters, like Bob Ryan or Skip Bayless. In 2008, Owens was 13th in yards (1.052), tied for 28th in receptions (69, with Randy Moss), and tied for 5th in touchdowns (10, with Tony Gonzales and Lance Moore). And that's with Tony Romo-Simpson as quarterback.

Conversely, the Bills had 14 passing TDs total.

But Terrell Owens isn't considered an "elite" receiver anymore. His critics claim that he has "lost a step," but Stephen A. Smith said it best this morning when he said that Owens "has lost a step for him," but he's still as good as everyone else. I really don't see how you can afford not to look at a guy like that, especially when your team had trouble scoring points like, say...the Rams or the Bengals. Because if your team is scoring less than the Lions did (27 TDs in 2008), you can't really be that choosy about who you have on your roster. If you were that particular, you'd probably have better players.

And as far as who's going to get the ball more, Lee Evans or Terrell Owens, let me say this: That's a problem most teams wish that they had. It's not the same thing as saying, who's going to get the ball more, Lee Evans or Josh Reed? If you don't know the answer to that quesiton, you're also too slow to realize that teams now have to change the way they defend this team. Yeah, the Bills are so stupid for signing T.O.

It's nice to know that your favorite team is taking a moral stand against hated NFL players, but most of those teams will be doing it in an empty stadium. That's one thing Buffalo won't have in 2009.

Terrell Owens: Cut by the Cowboys

At 12:05 AM, ESPN reporter Michael Smith broke the news that the Dallas Cowboys were releasing Terrell Owens.

Terrell Owens has been the NFL's most polarizing figure not named Michael Vick in a long, long, time. His talent can't be denied, but it doesn't stop people from begging for him to stop acting like a little girl who's not getting the prettiest dress for Easter services.

So where does he go from here? Popular wisdom would probably say the Oakland Raiders, because they take everybody that no one else wants. Truthfully, it's too rough of an economy to have a reputation like he does and to be jobless at the same time. The news just broke a half hour ago, so it's really too soon to predict where he'll wind up, if anywhere.

The man can still play, though. Word is that he's faster now than he's ever been. And he still racked up 1,052 yards and 10 TDs in 2008 at age 35. Like Shaquille O'Neal did for two days this week, the man is defying Father Time. Still, he's been a headache over the years.

Not being able to find a taker wouldn't surprise me, but at the same time, some half-wit GM taking a chance on him wouldn't shock me, either.

My prediction, though? The first team that he's telling Drew Rosenhaus to call: The Washington Redskins. Baltimore wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility, either. Either way, I'm sure Cris Carter is dancing in the streets right now.

Jay Cutler: It could also be a girl's name

So Jay Cutler is upset because the Denver Broncos entertained the idea of trading him. In other news, Jay Cutler believes that the entire city of Denver is resting on his shoulders and that trading him is such utter folly that even to discuss it is laughable.

Jay Cutler should just quit crying and act like a man about this. It's the nature of the business he chose to be in. You think old people cry just because their kids put them in a home? Of course not, because they knew that this was part of the deal when they decided to beat their kids for not mowing the lawn in a checkerboard fashion like they were told. It's just something that comes with the situation, like tiger trainers losing limbs.

You don't get mad at the hooker for burning you, do you? After all, you were the one that chose to sleep with her. You knew the risks when you decided to get involved with her in the first place. And since you've already gotten burned once, you might as well go ahead and keep sleeping with her on Sunday afternoons like you'd been doing.

I don't know why he was looking at a business organization for loyalty, because those are the same organizations that mysteriously "reorganize" when it's time for a large group of people to hit retirement age. There is no loyalty in big business. And now that the Broncos have a new coach who worked with the quarterback that they were trying to get, it only made sense to try to see what they could do about getting Matt Cassel. Sorry about your feelings, Jay Cutler; we thought you were a man.

And what was Jay Cutler's logical follow-up to these actions? In a fit of rage, he decided that he wanted to be traded because they were looking to trade him. I guess because he looks like a seven-year old, he decided to act like a seven-year old, too. Does he drop out of kickball when he doesn't get to go first?

The idea of getting traded is just something that happens unless your name is on this recently invented list: LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Dwyane Wade, Adrian Peterson, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning. Not even LaDainian Tomlinson is on here, and he's way better than Jay Cutler is. So just take it all in stride, Jay. There are way worse situations than this one, like no one wanting you at all or having to backup Matt Leinart. They didn't disrespect you. They didn't say that your mother has a glass eye with a fish in it or a wooden leg with a kickstand. They just talked about trading you, and they have every right to do that.

The Broncos discussed trading John Elway once, too and all it did was make him a better player. I know you don't think you're better than John Elway. Just be glad that you're in the situation you're in, because no one at all has to pay you millions of dollars to throw a dead pig at other grown men.

The Haynesworth signing in perspective

As much as I'd like to see an upgrade to my Atlanta Falcons' defense, I'm really very happy that the Falcons didn't land Albert Haynesworth. Let some other, stupider owner give $41 million in guarantees to a guy who hasn't played a full season since 2002, in a league when breaking the bank for a defensive player has NEVER worked. Haynesworth is good. He's really good. But there are starting quarterbacks making less money than he is now. And those quarterbacks aren't known for taking plays off, like he is.

And while that retard owner is at it, why not throw another $22.5 million in guarantees at DeAngelo Hall, probably the most overrated corner in the NFL? I can say that with some certainty, having spent four years watching him get lit up in Atlanta. Not even the sorriest NFL quarterback avoided challenging DeAngelo Hall, let's give him $54 million. Well, I guess you do need someone to fill the position.

In the meantime, the Redskins' offense couldn't even score on teams like the Bengals and the Browns. For a fraction of the money that Haynesworth is getting, they could have signed four brand new offensive linemen so Jason Campbell can finish a game without picking turf out of his teeth. The defense still would have been good without Haynesworth. Yeah, it's a big splashy signing, but it doesn't make them that much better and it doesn't sell tickets, either, unless I missed the part where fans started going to games to see defensive tackles.

It's kind of like the Yankees resigning Alex Rodriguez to a 10-year, $275 million contract when the Yankees had all the leverage because no one else was offering within $100 million of that number. It makes me wonder how Dan Snyder got rich at all negotiating like that, because I assure you no one was even close to paying $100 million to Haynesworth.

It might work out for the Redskins, though. It's not like they gave all that money to Quincy Carter, because then it just becomes coke-and-whore money. But what do I know? I'm just a guy who watches this crap.

On Michael Vick: Move the F*** On.

Michael's Vick's legal troubles have all finally been resolved and now, it's just a waiting game until he gets out of prison and starts trying to get back into the NFL. No guarantees it'll happen, though, because Roger Goodell is kind of a dick.

But even though he will have paid his debt to society (and the debt of two or three other people) when he's released from prison, and even though he's lost everything (financially speaking), that's just not good enough for some people. There are people who still say he should never be allowed back in the NFL. And that's cool, because it's their right to be stupid.

These are the people who say that playing in the NFL isn't a right. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean at this stage. Working at Burger King isn't a right, either. It's not even a foregone conclusion that he'll even get back to the NFL, but it's wrong to deny him the chance just because some people don't like what he did. Now, if he had been sitting on the sidelines smashing puppy skulls on his helmet, then yeah, I'd say that he should be gone for good. I'd also say he needed help.

But that's not what happened. Yes, he did it, admitted to doing it, and turned himself in. It's got nothing to do with football, though. And crimes away from the field or how clean someone's soul is should have nothing to do with whether or not someone should be allowed to play. People always bring up Leonard Little still being in the league after he killed A PERSON while driving drunk back in 1998. Some people even bring up Ray Lewis's murder trial. I'm going to bring up alleged drunk and rumored racist, Babe Ruth. I don't even know if that stuff is true, but if it is, and that guy's in the Hall of Fame, continues to be celebrated in America, and was immortalized through confectionary and fictional curses, then Vick should be allowed to play again.

What about all of the athletes who hit their wives? They're still allowed to play. Guys are busted for drug use or DUI or gun possession all the time. What about college athletes who steal from other students or cheat on tests? What about when they cheat on their wives? What about when they abandon their kids? Pacman Jones gets to play and he's probably choking a stripper right now. It's funny how these people who continue to judge Vick are doing it based on his crimes against dogs, but the ones who commit crimes against people are fine. The point is, a lot of these athletes are not angels. Michael Jordan is an asshole, but the Chicago Bulls didn't draft him because they thought his aura made angels weep. They drafted him because he was a monster on the basketball court. If whether or not a player was a good guy was the deciding factor to these decisions, then professional sports would be a very boring place because almost none of your favorite players would be in it.

Michael Vick made a mistake. He's paying for it and will continue to pay for it in ways that are far more hurtful than PETA picketing the next team he plays for. Let's move on, as he's trying to, and let the man live his life, whether or not that includes football. Of course, I don't expect that to happen, because we don't exactly live in a forgiving nation. They didn't let that "not guilty" verdict stand in the way of their opinion that O.J. did it.

Week 9: On the Come Up

There have been those who have asked me why I haven't had anything to say about this year's Atlanta Falcons, and my first reaction to that is, "Really? You really give a crap what I think?"

Then I thought it through a little more. Why haven't I had anything to say about the Falcons so far this year? They're a good team and I'm excited to see a good team for once. I have my opinions about this team just like the last few, but this team doesn't lend itself to nearly as many jokes as the comedy of errors known as "The Michael Vick Experience." When your coaching staff is dumb enough to run the same play for three straight downs despite the defense blowing it up every single time, you don't have to be Jon Stewart to get off a good one.

Not that I want the team to fail just so I can make jokes, but there's not a lot of mileage that I can get out of "Hey, this Dimitroff guy is making excellent decisions." He's not Rich McKay, who brought you such superstars as Jamaal "Begging to Get Cut" Anderson and "Hands of Stone" Michael Jenkins. Coach Mike Smith, while he has made mistakes, doesn't possess the historic levels of incompetence that makes players give up on the play before it's even run. He's not Bobby Petrino, who alienated Atlanta before the preseason started and didn't even have the common courtesy to get fired. He's not Jim Mora, Jr., who turned over his offensive playcalling to someone who didn't know how to call plays.

Also, for whatever reason, this season I've been avoiding the sportswriters community, which always provided me so many openings to show how a job in mass media doesn't mean that these people are smart. Whether its Skip Bayless giving himself a stroke on ESPN or the AJC's Terence Moore finding the negative side to the return of Jesus, I just haven't sought out their valuable counsel in these past months.

Personally, I blame my job for this. I know that a mature adult would take responsibility for their own actions, but if I were a mature adult, I wouldn't have a blog where I call Sarah Palin a complete imbecile. If you want me to write about the Falcons more, then help me get on at the AJC. Let's restart my campaign to get me hired there. Someone hire me a street team.

Now...having said all of that, the Atlanta Falcons are the best of the NFL's worst teams, which is an improvement on "Well, the Rams are still worse than us." Through seven games, they've lost to three good teams (Bucs, Panthers, Eagles) and beat one crappy team (Lions), one high school team (Chiefs), and two okay teams (Packers, Bears). As I write this, they are running away against a team that's so bad that the franchise should be retracted; the Raiders. I really don't think that the Raiders should even count as a real team. The last time the Falcons had a schedule this soft, they went 11-5 and fooled the country into thinking that they could run with the NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles.

But this team is better than previous teams, just because the GM has realized that there are 52 other roster spots that need to be filled by good players. The Rich McKay method was to have Michael Vick carry the entire load on his back. The Thomas Dimitroff method is to build an real team with players who are capable of playing in the NFL (It actually occurred to him to have an offensive line that can keep people away from someone that isn't deep-fried and lying on their plates) with coaching that can actually adjust to what's happening on the field (Hey! Let's mix up the playcalling!). I think his method is working.

Even the guys that have been here and failed are playing better than they ever have. Former whipping boys for me like Michael Jenkins and Jerious Norwood...it's like someone sat them down and showed them how to actually play football. So what we need to do is find that person, take up a collection, and get them some free gas or extra lap dances at the Pink Pony or something, because who knew that Michael Jenkins was worth a damn as a football player? For far too long, he's been that girl who was cute, but too big to have an exposed midriff. But this past offseason, her aunt came over and showed her that low-rise jeans mixed with a muffintop stomach wasn't cute. Now, she's catching touchdowns from guys who don't look to take advantage of a girl with low self-esteem. I just got lost in my own metaphor.

All in all, I think that we, as Falcons fans, can finally say goodbye to always being at the bottom of the barrel. We are no longer one of the teams that make the faces of other teams light up. We're now one of the teams with the lit-up faces. Before you know it, we'll have our back-to-back winning seasons and playoff runs, just like all the other teams that have had competent management. So, while this might be just a bit premature, let me thank Arthur Blank for finally realizing that just because Rich McKay is really good at math doesn't mean that he can build a football team.

The Falcons are now 5-3.

How I Hated Brett Favre

I was living in Biloxi, MS when Brett Favre rose to prominence in Green Bay.

God, I hated him.

This was 1994 or so. I don’t remember the exact year, but I do remember that his time at Southern Miss in Hattiesburg was still fondly remembered. I remember that back then, he still hadn’t gotten his teeth cleaned, so his smile still looked like he was eating chocolate. I remember that he was almost always on the front page of the sports section in the Sun Herald. Biloxi is about an hour and a half away from New Orleans (at least, when I drive), so normally, everyone in the area was a Saints fan. We were so close that our Fox affiliate was based in New Orleans. My football memories during this time were tainted with a chorus of “Saints on Fox 38!” being sung by a zydeco band. But also during this time, everyone was talking about the Packers like Lambeau Field had been right next to the Grand Casino for the last 50 years.

It bothered me, because I couldn’t (and still can’t) stand bandwagon fans. Yes, I understood that he was from Kiln, which is about 60 miles north of Biloxi. I understood that he was the last worthwhile thing to happen to Hattiesburg that someone outside of Hattiesburg would know about (at least until that episode of “My Super Sweet 16). But the Packers, a team that’s at least 1000 miles away, were getting more love than the team that was right down I-10. Yeah, the Saints were still being called the “Ain’ts” and had no hope of reaching the playoffs. But what about team loyalty, or at least being loyal to the team that’s closest to your town? Jim Mora was giving Biloxi a free show every Sunday night by blowing up in front of the cameras and somehow, that wasn’t enough to hold Biloxi’s attention.

On top of that, people just wouldn’t shut up about Favre. I couldn’t escape from him. I’m the kind of person that tends to avoid following trends and rebels against whatever is the hot thing at the time. If everyone else likes it, I ignore it until it goes away and discover it on my own. It’s why I still haven’t listened to Alicia Keys’ latest CD. But I wasn’t allowed to do that with Favre. He was forced down my throat as the greatest thing since someone decided to put air inside of pigskin and throw it at people.

And to top all of that off, my girlfriend around that time had a friend across the street that was related to Brett Favre. They were distant cousins, but cousins nonetheless. They were closely related enough to where they shared facial features and she knew he was related to her, but distant enough that their names were spelled differently (Farve). Surprisingly, she was like me. She was sick of this guy.

I didn’t want to hate on the hometown boy, but it just became ridiculous down there. For one, he wasn’t even a hometown boy, like Ronald Dupree or Chris Jackson. He was from Kiln, MS, which is all the way over in the next county and really, isn’t even on the Coast. He didn’t go to Mississippi Gulf Coast CC or even Perkinston. He went to Southern Miss. He had no real ties to the Coast, and yet was embraced as the biggest start to ever come out of there. It just didn’t make any sense to me.

So when the Packers would play, I’d almost always root against them. Besides, that’s back when the Cowboys and 49ers were still good, so I’d support those teams, mainly because they were the only ones I really knew. Eventually, Favre overpowered my personal vendetta and the Packers won the Super Bowl. It was a sad day in the Martin household, or at least, in my bedroom. I doubt my parents really cared about my player-hatred.

After that, I would move on to Jackson State University, about two hours north of Hattiesburg (provided you’re obeying the speed limits). Up there, they didn’t care about Brett Favre. They had their own colleges in Jackson, like perennial powerhouses JSU, Belhaven, and Millsaps, whom you might remember from a famed ESPN clip where a football team lost a game after the opposing team scored a touchdown after about 30 laterals were thrown to get the ball in the endzone. That was Millsaps. It’s the only way Jackson colleges ever get on TV. Millsaps Fever! Catch it!

Also, we were close enough to Ole Miss and MS State to where they got most of the attention.

Being away from all of those fake Packers fans gave me the opportunity to see what everyone else had figured out years before me: That Brett Favre was a great football player. It also gave me the chance to learn the hard way that one should never bet against Brett Favre. I lost way too much money doing that.

Ironically enough, when I started betting on him, the Packers were stinking up the joint. Karmic justice at its finest.

Along the way, I watched him teach the top, fall off, almost get run out of town, turn a hater like me into a fan, and almost reach the pinnacle again. Not a lot of players in the NFL get the chance to do that. John Elway might be the only other one in my short football memory.

But aside from all of the records he broke and amazing games he played, the lasting memory that I will have of Brett Favre is of him throwing snowballs at his teammates in the middle of a playoff game. And maybe his brown teeth, but mostly the snowballs. I mean, here was one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever throw a spiral and he was wasting his Hall of Fame arm beaning his teammates in the back with poorly packed snowballs. His Mississippi upbringing was showing through.

Two months later, he shocked the world by walking away from the game after his team was a win away from going to the Super Bowl. Surely, they’d be in contention again next year. Why didn’t he walk away during the three years that the Packers weren’t worth the chalk that marked the yards on their historic field? Why now, when he had turned the football world on its ear by making the Packers a legitimate team again at the age of 37?

He just didn’t want to play anymore. That’s all there is to it. But he went out on his own terms, and as an athlete, that’s really all you can ask for. No one made him go and his body didn’t betray him. And while I’m sad he’s gone, I’m still happy for him. I’m happy that he walked into his retirement press conference and I’m happy that he found such joy in doing something that it made him cry to stop doing it. What more can you ask for in life?

I guess maybe a chance to start an NFL game. At least, that’s what you’re asking for if you’re Aaron Rodgers. Be careful what you wish for, kid. You’re about to get it.

Week 7 - Welcome to Jobber City

“No problem, New Orleans. Glad we could help you look like a decent team again.”

That’s the mentality of what’s known in professional wrestling as “enhancement talent,” otherwise called the “jobber.”

What is a jobber? A jobber is a guy whose sole duty is to go out there and lose, yet somehow make the other wrestler look as dominating as possible in the process, or “do the job” as they say behind the curtain. A jobber is usually a guy you’ve never heard of and aren’t likely to ever see again, unless he’s jobbing for another wrestler. Jobbers don’t beat name wrestlers and jobbers never move up the ladder. When you’re a jobber, you’re a jobber for life.

The Atlanta Falcons have historically played the role of “jobber” in the world of football. If you’re looking to keep that win-streak going, want a nice bump to your stats, or just need a win to keep your season from completely imploding, you should pray that the Falcons are next on your schedule. You’re almost guaranteed a win.

In wrestling, some of the best jobbers have been the ones who made you believe that they could actually win the match. It adds a layer of suspense and drama to a match that ordinarily wouldn’t have been there. You become sucked into the idea that this upstart, S.D. Jones, could somehow take down Ted Dibiase. Jones even gets some offense in. Then Jones goes for his finisher, misses, and Dibiase escapes with the win.

And even though wrestling isn’t real, and you knew the ending to this match when you noticed that they didn’t even bother to give S.D. Jones a real introduction, for about two minutes, you thought S.D. Jones might win. That’s exactly what happened today during the Falcons’ game.

Byron Leftwich was named the starter this week and brought with him a huge set of balls, because even though he was cut by Jacksonville and has never played a full season in his career, he entered the game with supreme confidence. He was already sucking us in.

The defense held up well, like always, but it was Leftwich who provided the drama. His drives were impressive, capped by a touchdown late in the second quarter. The offense was playing better than they had all season. They were taking it to last season’s NFC South division winner, the New Orleans Saints, in the Superdome. For the first time all season, Falcons fans had hope.

But then came the point in the match where the established wrestler weathers the hot start by the jobber and takes control. Only in this case, it was by injuring Byron Leftwich and killing the sole hope that any Falcons’ fan had of winning this game. I was personally deflated by this, because it’s almost as if God doesn’t want the Falcons to have any sunshine on their faces this season.

We lost Michael Vick. We lost Matt Schaub. We lost D.J. Shockley before the season even started. We had gotten out from under Joey Harrington, who to his credit had played well this season, but no one’s going to be inspired by a quarterback with the soft, doe eyes that Harrington has. Just when we had been given our best chance to win, Leftwich had been taken away with a sprained ankle. It’s the same as when Jim Powers missed his dropkick because Mr. Perfect held onto the ropes.

The Saints followed that up with a touchdown. You could almost hear fans across Atlanta throwing things at the TV when Joey Harrington ran back onto the field. Or at least the Falcons fans who had bothered to keep watching the game. We all knew what was coming down. Mr. Perfect was about to go to teach Jim Powers a lesson.

Only it didn’t happen that way. Harrington completed a few passes and the team kept moving the chains. They looked just good enough to make me believe that Harrington could hold on just long enough to secure the win. Let’s face it: This Saints team isn’t the same team that won the NFC South last year. They were 1-5 and were getting blown out left and right. The Saints had just won their first game last week. We could take these guys, right?

I honestly felt that way until the blown snap that lost 16 yards for us. After that, it was game over. Mr. Perfect had snuck in his PerfectPlex and that was all she wrote for the Falcons.

“Pin me, pay me,” that’s the Job Squad motto. The Falcons had just given the Saints their first win streak of the season and resurrected any hopes the Saints had of rallying and saving their season. The Falcons made the Saints look a little better before “putting them over.” That’s what a jobber does. The Falcons have had decades to practice their craft, and they are among the league’s top jobbers.

The Hawks are also jobbers. The Thrashers have never made the playoffs. The Braves have returned to the Job Squad after a run at the top of the card. The Falcons have never strayed too far from the bottom. When leagues have had discussions about retracting their teams, Atlanta’s teams are always mentioned. And why not? It’s not like they’re ever in danger of turning the corner. It’s our duty to make all the other teams look better than they really are. Someone’s gotta do it, right?

Welcome to Atlanta. This is Jobber City.

Week 6 - My Descent Into Conspiracy Theories

I've discovered that there is a horrible condition that is affecting Atlanta Falcons' receivers. It's called "suckus receiverenidum," or "Peerless Price Syndrome." It's completely different from the condition that has devastated the Falcons secondary, "Caution: Flammable," or "Third Degree Burns." I'd show you my evidence, but it was destroyed when I let Lewis Sanders read it.

For those who remember, Peerless Price was a big free agent signing for Atlanta back in 2003. He had made his name in Buffalo, as the number 2 receiver behind Eric Moulds. He came here with big dreams of being the top receiver for the Falcons, but it wasn't long before everyone noticed that he didn't like to do things that number 1 receivers do, like catch the ball or make plays. During his two years in Atlanta, his stats plummeted. Suddenly, his name had become something of an ironic joke.

When he was released in 2005, Atlanta rejoiced, because we thought we had seen the last of Price. We knew he wasn't going to come back here and burn the Falcons for 200 yards and 3 touchdowns, a home run and a dunk over Patrick Ewing. The guy sucked. There was no chance of that happening. But he still left his mark, by spreading the disease that I just made up to the rest of the team.

Michael Jenkins was drafted by the Falcons in 2004, replacing Peerless Price in 2005, and so started his career of dashing the dreams of Falcons fans, picking up where Price left off. At 6'5", he flat out refuses to go get the ball, even though he has at least 6 inches on most defenders. When balls were thrown his way, they were almost repelled by his hands, as if they were allergic to flying leather. He was almost like a bigger Peerless Price.

Roddy White arrived in Atlanta in 2005, and immediately showed glimpses of the athleticism that both Price and Jenkins seemed to lack. But like the receivers before him, he couldn't catch the ball. It's like he had some sort of genetic defect that wouldn't allow him to open his hands.

Receiver after receiver came here and dropped balls. Except for Cole Mangum. He caught everything that came his way, so naturally they cut him. My dad and I still look fondly upon that preseason of 2005 when he outplayed every single receiver on the roster. Clearly, he had some kind of immunity to playing like crap.

So did Ashley Lelie, the only other receiver to play here that was consistently open. The Falcons organization doesn't seem to like that sort of thing. You know, doing your job or moving the chains.

Then again, maybe it was the quarterback play that was causing problems. I mean, Michael Vick wasn't exactly known for his touch. Word on the street was that every time Michael Vick threw the ball, it was like a cannon. Short passes, long passes, it didn't matter. He was gunning it. I think I even saw him gun it on a shovel pass once. I didn't even know that was even possible.

But No. 7 is gone now, and the more skilled Joey Harrington is the starter now, and by "skilled," I mean that he can't run, so he has to be able to throw. Sure, there have been complaints of his indecisiveness, but one thing that can't be argued so far is that he's been fairly accurate when he has time. And yet, the disease seems to be spreading because Joe Horn and Alge Crumpler are dropping passes like the ball is covered in soap. Someone keep an eye on the ball boy.

During the monkeystomping that the Falcons took from the Giants on Monday, even the guy that I've put all my future hopes in, rookie Laurent Robinson was dropping balls. Is someone spiking the Gatorade? Perhaps with hits of acid that make the football look like an alien face-hugger or a bag of snakes?

I know my theories on this are a stretch, but it just doesn't seem to make any sense to me why there are so many receivers here that can't catch. They can catch in other places, but when they get here, it's as if they forget how to operate their hands properly. I'll bet they don't have this problem when they're on the PlayStation, or when someone's tossing them their paycheck.

Come to think of it, I do seem to remember hearing about a rash of kids being admitted to local hospitals in record numbers because of head injuries caused by not being able to catch balls. You might not have heard about it, because it was covered up by a man who was suspiciously hit by a bus. It came into his living room. On the third floor.

Or maybe I'm looking in the wrong place for the answer. After all, Brian Finneran was here long before Peerless Price and he has a history of dropping the ball when it mattered. Maybe I've pinned this on the wrong guy. The first time I ever heard of Brian Finneran, my dad was screaming at him through the TV for dropping a pass. The anger in his voice caused his name to be forever etched into my memory.

Whatever the answer is, the Falcons need to find a solution for it, because it's not good for my mental health to continue to see our receivers drop perfect passes. If you need proof of my failing mental state, please refer to the above ramblings.

Maybe we should try tossing their kids out of the window. If you can catch a kid, you can catch a football.

Week 4 - The Least Exciting Win Ever

The game I was most worried about this entire season was Matt Schaub and the Texans coming into Atlanta, and that’s mainly because I expected them to lose most of the other games. But this one is different because the last thing I need is an ex-Falcon torching the current Falcons for 400 yards and 4 touchdowns. I fully expect Michael Vick to do this one day if Art doesn’t re-sign him when he comes out of jail.

Now, onto this week’s game…first the good:

Finally, the Falcons have won a game. And yet, I couldn’t really get excited about it. Yes, the Falcons kept the returning Matt Schaub from embarrassing them in much the same way that Deion Sanders did when HE returned to Atlanta. Yes, the Falcons offense scored 20 points in the first half. Yes, once again the defense was impressive. But, for God’s sake, they were playing the Texans. I’d like to believe that even with the improvements (well, improvement) that Houston has made, Atlanta is still able to beat them.

It’s hard to get up for a game that Atlanta’s supposed to win. Clearly, most of Atlanta felt that way, because almost no one showed up for the game. Ironic, considering how many people wish Schaub was still here. Their first chance to see him (and most likely, only chance for a while), and no one turned out. Shows how hardcore his supporters really were.

I guess it’s no big deal, though, because it’s not like he dropped 40 on the Falcons or anything like that. 300 yards and a touchdown isn’t so bad, I suppose. But while I’m glad that the Falcons got their first win of the season and counteracted the poetic justice that a Schaub explosion would have provided, it was still just the Texans. And an injured Texans team, at that. Let’s get a grip, all 14 people who care about this win.

Michael Jenkins was going after the ball, getting open, making plays. Has he finally gotten it together? I want to believe that he has, but I can’t get too excited, because let’s face it: They were playing the Texans. Injured Texans. The worst thing that can happen to my mental health right now is that I expect Michael Jenkins and Roddy White to be consistent, productive deep threats in the passing game, because when they start playing like I’m used to them playing (sucking), I’m going to wind up fighting my dad after I put my Timberland through his big screen TV.

And because I say it every week: Joey Harrington is playing well. None of the mistakes made are his fault. And it needs to be said that his decision making is improving all the time. Could Joey Harrington actually be an NFL-worthy quarterback?

…and the bad:

Lewis Sanders: A player that I can only assume is on the roster because warm bodies are needed to fill it out. Why do they keep playing him? Because I believe that they want to see how many times one man can get burnt before he bursts into flames on the field. Every time Houston broke off a big play, Lewis Sanders was the one who gave it up. Can anyone confirm if he’s related to “Give Up the Big Play” Ray Buchanan?

Consistency: The Falcons continue their trend of playing excellent for one half at a time. If they could string together two good halves back to back, they’d be a team worth paying attention to. The defense played a good game, but the offense went back to kicking field goals all through the second half. At least they went in this time. I don’t even remember any of the nightmares I had after Matt Prater blew all those chip shots in Week 2. I’m naming my first born son “Morton.”

Other than that, they looked really good this week. They’re getting better from game to game, but then again, that perception could be skewed by the fact that they were playing the Texans. I really can’t stress that enough. Maybe I’ll get excited when they beat a team that’s sniffed the playoffs this decade.

Next week’s game is at Tennessee. Hmm…we shouldn’t look for the winning streak to kick off next week. I expect the Vick Depression to get into full swing after Vince Young reminds Falcons fans what we once had. Week 6 (vs. NY Giants) doesn’t look good for us, either, unless Eli Manning can out-Harrington the real Joey Harrington.

Week 3 - I Hate DeAngelo Hall

We need to find out of football players would be allowed to play with a ball gag in his mouth. And the test player for this revolutionary football gear should be DeAngelo Hall.

DeAngelo Hall has been the starting right cornerback for Atlanta for about four years now. He’s made multiple Pro Bowls. He is allegedly one of the premier defensive backs in the NFL. But damned if I can’t figure out how or why that is.

Outside of being really fast, I’ve never been able to figure out what exactly makes him special. He claims to be the next Deion Sanders, but his coaches have had so little faith in him that he’s never been allowed to cover his man straight up. He’s been burned by so many receivers that even Ray Buchanan doesn’t respect him. Deion Sanders put so much fear in the quarterback that he wouldn’t even throw to that side of the field. DeAngelo Hall gets challenged every game.

No one is afraid of DeAngelo Hall. So what is it that he does well?

He runs his mouth. That’s what he does well. So well, in fact, that the gaping hole in his face was the single biggest reason why the Falcons lost today.

Listen, no one is fooled into thinking that this is a good Falcons team. There are holes at every single position on the field. Everything has to break perfectly for the Falcons to score a touchdown, let alone win a game. So if the Falcons have a seven-point lead and have finally managed to slow down the Panthers sub-par run game, the last thing the Falcons need is 45 yards in penalties.

But DeAngelo Hall is supremely confident, so he must have thought that his team needed to jump some extra hurdles more than they needed a win, because after having a pretty decent game covering Steve Smith (Hall had held Smith to 0 catches and only 4 attempts), Hall decided to give up three straight penalties to the Panthers and as a result, turn an almost certain punt into a touchdown.

The first penalty was a pass interference call that was actually a pretty smart play. Hall was beaten, and Smith clearly would have scored had he caught the ball. So Hall grabbed him to prevent giving up the touchdown. I would have given him a pass on that one, if he hadn’t done this…

If you’re going to commit a personal foul, don’t do it five feet away from an official, directly in his line of sight. One would think that would be common sense, but when your name is DeAngelo Hall, common sense doesn’t always come into play. It’s why a player of his caliber bites on every fake thrown his way by receivers. So he shoved Steve Smith and the ref called him for a personal foul. But it wasn’t over.

While Bobby Petrino was jawing with the refs about whether or not it was a personal foul (the ref said that Hall hit Steve in the head; the replay clearly showed that he did no such thing), Hall was still jawing with Smith. While another ref was breaking that up, he called unsportsmanlike conduct on Hall.

Seven points later, Hall was still running his mouth on the sidelines.

Now, if this was a good team, it probably wouldn’t have been that big a deal, but when you’re the Atlanta Falcons, converting on third down in an uphill battle. If this was a good team, a tie ball game in the third quarter wouldn’t have been a crucial moment. But when you’re the Atlanta Falcons, a tie game means you’re 3 to 7 points away from an insurmountable lead.

Hall’s three penalties and the following touchdown put the momentum squarely in Carolina’s hands. After that, the Panthers run game was flat-out unstoppable, and back-up quarterback David Carr was moving the team downfield. Before you know it, the Panthers had scored again, and that put the game out of reach. You know, because the Falcons suck.

The field goal that put them up 27-17 was just icing on the cake.

But hold! Doth mine eyes deceive me? Art thine noble Falcons making a run? Michael Jenkins catcheth a pass, and another! Warrick Dunn, showeth how fleet of foot he is by repeatedly evading capture! Joey Harrington bloweth the game not! Might the Falcons earn a down of touch?

I say thee nay! I don’t know why I’m talking like this, but the Falcons had to settle for a field goal with four minutes to go. Again, for a good team, this would just put them within seven, giving them a realistic chance to tie or win the game. But this is the Falcons. The game was over in the third quarter, when the Panthers went up by seven. My dad and I were debating on whether or not to change the channel. More important things were on other channels, like what the Cash 3 was today. THAT was an uncertainty. The end of the Falcons game had stopped being in doubt long ago.

Who can we thank for this? DeAngelo Hall, the brave soul who should be the first player to play an entire game with his unbroken jaw wired shut. Thanks a million DeAngelo! Or really, just thanks 45.

And to think, I was really wondering what I was going to say about this game. Just when I decided to not write anything, DeAngelo Hall decided that he was going to save me from not having a chest pains and an anger stroke for the day. I appreciate it, buddy. My doctor bills will be waiting for you at your agent’s office, along with a complimentary roll of duck tape to wrap around your mouth just before game time.

The First Game of the Season

I can’t believe I waited two months for this.

The Falcons’ just got overrun by the Minnesota Vikings. Listen, I wasn’t expecting the Falcons to win the Super Bowl this season, but I was expecting them to be able to handle the Minnesota Vikings.

I know it was just the preseason, but how is it that they looked that good two weeks ago, and all of a sudden they were a high school team playing against the Indianapolis Colts. Two weeks ago Joey Harrington was shredding defenses. Two weeks ago, the offensive line was a solid wall. Today, the O-line was drilled in more holes than a veteran porn star.

But of all things that happened, I never expected to be able to say this at the end: It wasn’t Joey Harrington’s fault.

No, because in addition to constant pressure from that vaunted Minnesota defense, Roddy White and Michael Jenkins kept dropping passes. Not as many as last season, but that’s like saying, “This time, I only got shot THREE times.” And just like last season, the wrong receiver was on the field. Where was Laurent Robinson? Where was Joe Horn? I barely saw them at all during the game.

Joe Horn had been a playmaker his entire career. Laurent Robinson is a playmaker-in-the-making. I’m talking “bring the ball in even though the quarterback screwed up the throw” type playmaker. He is the kind of receiver that Michael Vick had been waiting for. Meanwhile, Michael Jenkins has been disappointing Falcons’ fans since 2004. He must be offering to play for free, because that’s the only way I can see him keeping his job.

No, none of that can be blamed on Joey Harrington. He didn’t assemble the roster. He wasn’t calling the plays. He was blocking. All of his interceptions weren’t even his fault. One of them, a defensive lineman managed to get off the ground and steal it, but the second one was Michael Jenkins’ fault. Not only did he not catch the ball, but he deflected it into the defender’s hands and made no move to tackle the defender as he ran away. Joey at least made an effort to tackle him. Sure, he almost missed the defender completely, but he’s a quarterback. He gets points for trying.

And speaking of the playcalling, if Jim Mora and Greg Knapp had known that I existed and read my blog, they would have heard me screaming about the playcalling while they were here. It seems that Mr. Petrino is gonna be hearing from me, too. That is, assuming he knew who I was.

You’d think by now that a coach would know a little bit about his personnel, especially a player with the career of Warrick Dunn. Warrick Dunn is about 5’6” and about 110 pounds. He is not breaking through any defensive line. He is not a between the tackles type of runner. Everyone has known this since he was at Florida State. Meanwhile, Jerious Norwood has the kind of speed that you usually expect to see on the Discovery Channel or in cartoons.

Bobby Petrino is the kind of coach that loves a between the tackles runner. He loves a big strong fullback to bust through the line. While it could mean that he has some kind of fetish, it doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t have that kind of runner. Yes, the Falcons signed Ovie Mughelli to be that guy, but he didn’t play that much and the one time I noticed him on the field, he was catching a pass. He could have played Jason Snelling if they hadn’t cut him. All that time, that T.J. Duckett trade looks more and more stupid.

Hopefully, Petrino will learn fast that Dunn and Norwood aren’t fullbacks or even that big, but they have strengths of their own, like being hard to tackle or being fast. It’s hard for that kind of strength to shine when you’ve got a 280 pound defensive end standing on your chest.

And then, there was the defense. Excuse me, I meant “defense.”

The Falcons’ run defense would have been more effective if they ran alongside Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor, shouting suggestions in their ears that they lay down. And did anyone else notice that on every big play that the Vikings made, there was DeAngelo Hall with smoke coming off of his body, because he just got burnt?

Yes, it was only the first game of the season, but it was a really bad first game against a team that I don’t think is really that good. I’m starting to reconsider my support for the Falcons and my claims that they’d surprise some people.

Well, they did manage to surprise me. I didn’t expect them to be THIS bad. They didn’t even manage to score a touchdown. It’s gonna be a long season.

Falcons 3, Vikings 24.