Yeah, Atlanta being toxic is not a surprise

Atlanta being the most toxic city in America is about as big a revelation as finding out that (name the celebrity of your choice) was gay.

During the summer months, some people have to choose between walking around outside and breathing, and if you're in the right spot (the Wesley Chapel overpass in Decatur is a good one), you can see the yellowish-brown haze surrounding the city. I don't know all of the factors that went into Forbes' report on environmental cesspools in America (because I couldn't be bothered to read all of their facts), but the smog that we're suffering through now is really all I need to know about. What more needs to be said besides, "BROWN AIR?"

If the Metro Atlanta area didn't have the forethought to try to combat BROWN AIR, then I can only imagine what else people are turning a blind eye to down here. After all, DeKalb County is the only place I've lived where people have to pay extra to recycle. Even Biloxi, MS lets people recycle for free. You know, since we should be doing it, anyway.

But besides that, in a shocking development, we've got a lot of cars on the road. I know most people might not be aware of Atlanta's CRIPPLING TRAFFIC PROBLEMS, but believe it or not, between the hours of 3 and 7 PM, folks are better off sitting at home than sitting in an 8-lane parking lot downtown. And legend has it that those cars sitting in traffic are producing tons of emissions that human beings can't breathe.

It's scary stuff, I know, since the auto industry has told us for decades that car exhaust actually cures emphysema and reduces stress (because you're high), but we've recently discovered that human beings aren't really supposed to breathe that stuff.

But since people here believe that trains are a tool of the devil, the problem of traffic has steadily gotten worse. People keep coming here because of our thriving industries, like night clubs and record labels. Since the train barely goes anywhere and no one has thought to build things in central locations (we really do love us some sprawl down here), they have to buy more cars and produce more of that sweet, brown, nectar.

Everyone knows that the non-expansion of the train system is the hallmark of cities that desperately beg to be recognized as a "world-class metropolitan area from the future." New York and Chicago have been getting it so wrong for years. What kind of idiot invests in mass transit when they could just as easily expand I-75 in Marietta to 11 lanes on each side? It does nothing for our traffic problems, while also doing nothing for our pollution problems! I mean, except "adding to them."

Yeah, Atlanta is blazing a trail into the future, if by "blazing" you mean, "engineering it's own collapse." Traffic is killing this city in more ways than one. Who wants to fight that traffic every day? Who wants to have a three-hour round-trip commute every day in the effort to avoid the traffic? Who wants to breathe smog? I know I don't. Atlanta has made me sick of driving.

Add to the train system. Build more lines. Expand into more counties. Build up instead of out. Screw the Good Ol' Boy Network and their backwards thinking. These are the same people that fought everything from abolishing slavery to higher emissions standards.

I mean, unless Atlanta likes being at the top of lists like this. If that's the case, keep doing what you're doing.

An Open Letter to Arthur Blank

Yeah, it was just a matter of time before this came up again.

Arthur Blank wants a new stadium. After all, the Georgia Dome is seventeen years old. That's 126 in professional-sports-team-owner years. To them, stadiums should be replaced every fifteen like clockwork, to keep the paint from drying. We're falling behind here in Atlanta.

But Mr. Blank is willing to wait until the Dome is at least 24 or 25 years old, because he's a nice guy. Until then, he's gonna start trying to talk us into partially financing the thing. He said that it would be paid for with private and public money.

He also said, "We want the right environment for our fans and for our sponsors," which makes no sense to me. I think he should just level with everyone and say, "We want to charge more money," because that's really what this is about. Claiming that "the Falcons are falling behind other teams in the NFL in terms of the experience for our fans," isn't fooling anyone, because the only "experience" fans want is for the team to "experience" winning.

Look, they're not building the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. It's a football stadium, and no one goes to a football stadium to admire the scenery. If anyone has ever found themselves in the Dome and the word "ambiance" crossed their mind or they thought, "The feng shui in here is all wrong," then I guess the original designers slipped up when they didn't build an art museum. They thought they were supposed to build a football stadium.

Seriously and honestly, does anyone care about how much of culture the Dome has inside it, and if anyone does, is that reason enough to spend a billion dollars on a new stadium when there's absolutely nothing wrong with the current one? People don't even notice how much they're overpaying for beer once the game starts, so I know they don't care about the number of restaurants inside. It's hard to admire the atmosphere when John Abraham is shaving a few minutes off some poor quarterback's life.

That's a moment where everyone has to decide what's more interesting to look at, and I assure you, the "John Abraham" part is gonna win out every time.

The only one who cares about this is Arthur Blank, because like in all pro sports, the owners are in a contest with each other to see who can get the most money from taxpayers to fund their vanity projects. "We'll call it Arthurmania, complete with a statue depicting the time I beat Lowe's into submission."

They always give the same excuse: "The team needs this to remain competitive." Competitive with who? Where's the other Atlanta football team that's stealing the Falcons' business?

NFL Football doesn't have any competition, except from within it's own league. And seeing as how the closest team to here is four hours away, it's not like anything in their marketing strategy is gonna affect what happens to the Falcons. If the Panthers built a new stadium tomorrow, it's not like Falcons fans are gonna go, "You know what? I like the Panthers new stadium better. I'm gonna start going to watch games up there instead." It's the Georgia Dome, not Cheers. You don't have to worry about Gary's Olde Towne Tavern and their wacky promotions convincing Norm and Cliff to drink there instead.

So Mr. Blank also laid this one on (which is a new one by me): The Falcons need a new stadium "to help Atlanta maintain its image as a world-class city." He is really laying it on thick.

Is the Dome falling apart? It's not exactly brand new, but they just painted it, replaced seats and gave it some other fine tuning. But I don't see any toilets backing up when I go down there. There aren't any blocks falling out of the ceiling or a recurring electrical surge to deal with. It's in great shape. I'm supposed to feel bad because there isn't a 60 yard wide HDTV in the center? No marble countertops in the bathrooms? Look, I live in an apartment where I can actually hear my upstairs neighbors walking around. I'm hardly sympathetic to their plight.

Texas Stadium will be 39 years old at the time of demolition, built during a time when we still believed our political leaders were honest. That's how old that stadium is, old enough to remember our nation's naivete. And yet, they stuck with it for 39 years. The Dome was built in 1992 and they're already proclaiming it "old?" The kids born that year are still in high school.

Really, if you're so worried about Atlanta's "image as a world-class city," Mr. Blank, you might want to try working on our sprawl and traffic problems. Build some high-rises down town or help fund MARTA. I don't think that the Georgia Dome is keeping Atlanta from embracing its metropolitan destiny.

Come on, Mr. Blank. Quit trying to be like the other owners. The Falcons play 10 games in the Dome a year. They don't live in the catacombs. They don't even practice there. I could at least respect your motivations if they were honest, but they aren't. You're trying to pull the wool over our eyes. There's no rush to replace the Dome. It's sturdy and it's in a central location. It's clean and it's not a deathtrap. That's all we really need in a football stadium. All you need to focus on is keeping winning team on the field. If you want to provide a grandiose spectacle as a monument to your own greatness (like the JerryWorld Domed Pleasure Palace), then build a casino instead.

"Not upset with the Falcons" and other tall tales

The New York Jets have got to be the dumbest team in the league right now. I know the Raiders and Lions are in far worse shape, but those are special needs franchises and they deserve our pity for being shackled to people like Al Davis and Matt Millen. No, the Jets get their own category for firing the coach who was getting the team moving in the right direction in favor of the 37-year-old diva quarterback that’s probably going to retire anyway. Now, the Jets don’t have a coach, a replacement quarterback, or a viable alternative to replace either. It looks like a move that they made by the seat of their pants, kind of like when they released Chad Pennington the second they got Brett Favre. So, at this point, the Jets deserve what they get and I see them getting a lot of “L’s” in the near future. Note to the Jets: You don’t hinge your future plans on the whims of a quarterback who just retired in the last offseason. I want to curse at you.

Speaking of Matt Millen, who was the person who decided to have him on NBC’s NFL studio show? It’s already boring; you want it to be stupid, too? I would never listen to anything Millen had to say about football, ever, due to him being the worst general manager of recent memory. I was watching the show, just waiting for him to give us a Palin-esque display of intelligence. I’d argue with him over whether or not the sky was blue just because I know that he’s destined to slip up at some point.

Ravens QB Joe Flacco looks like Sylar from Heroes.

Now, about the Falcons…

They’ve been playing with house money since Week 10. Football analysts, who never know what they’re talking about, gave them three to six wins this season. I gave them eight at worst, nine at best. My buddy Louis came within three points of being crowned a football genius, because he said they’d win the division. He maintained that prediction, even after a breathalyzer test.

The Falcons went 11-5. And truth to tell, they should have been 13-3. Seeing as how they were 4-12 last season, lost Michael Vick, rotated between Joey Harrington, Chris Redman, and Byron Leftwich at quarterback, and coach Bobby Petrino quit in the middle of the season to go coach a team that has a pig as a mascot, I can’t be too upset about the way the season ended. After all, 5-11 would have been a step forward. Everything after five wins really was icing on the cake. The fact that we even made the playoffs is great for me, because I didn't even think we would. I was satisfied with not being "enhancement talent" anymore.

That doesn’t mean that I’m okay with the way the Falcons went out. They played well in spurts, but they got manhandled by the Arizona Cardinals. If we got manhandled by the Ravens (a bird that knows the taste of human flesh), I’d probably handle that a little bit better. Against Ray Lewis, Terrell Suggs, and Ed Reed, I’d be glad if all our guys came off the field with 78% of their body parts functioning. But the Cardinals hadn’t played a good game in a month and a half and only beat tomato cans all season. Why’d they pick yesterday to exhibit some pride about themselves?

I didn't even want to watch anymore football after that, but there was no sense in letting a good Colts/Chargers game go to waste.

The only good thing about the Falcons’ loss is that I’ve got a pretty good idea what position they’ll be drafting for first. Does anyone know a good defensive end that we can pick up, because a broomstick held by a man in a wheelchair would have played better than Jamaal Anderson has since he’s been here. There have been times that I forgot he was even on the field. And even though I wasn’t sorry to see DeAngelo Hall leave here, his size would have been really helpful against Larry Fitzgerald, who towered over our corners and safeties at an immense, looming 6’3” (and I don’t believe he’s even this tall). The Falcons’ corners should insist that kids drink more milk so they don’t turn out to be “short like us.”

It was still a season that exceeded all expectations and provides a bright outlook for the future. This is the part where all Falcons fans should be expecting something bad to happen to the team, like Matt Ryan getting mauled by boars in his living room.

Every time there’s a glimmer of hope for this team, Michael Vick breaks his ankle (against the Ravens!) months after leading the team into Lambeau to beat the Packers in the playoffs. Or Jamal Anderson’s (not the sad DE that calls himself a football player; this is THE Jamal Anderson) knees decide that you, the paying fan, have seen enough of his otherworldly talent, right after he carries the team to the Super Bowl. Falcons fans know what I’m talking about.

But going into next season, I don’t feel that way. Arthur Blank gives a crap and Thomas Dimitroff doesn’t make me think that any retard can be a general manager. The coaching is so good that it made something out of Michael Jenkins. And this team is put together pretty well, even the midget secondary. For once, the future is bright for the Atlanta Falcons.

Week 9: On the Come Up

There have been those who have asked me why I haven't had anything to say about this year's Atlanta Falcons, and my first reaction to that is, "Really? You really give a crap what I think?"

Then I thought it through a little more. Why haven't I had anything to say about the Falcons so far this year? They're a good team and I'm excited to see a good team for once. I have my opinions about this team just like the last few, but this team doesn't lend itself to nearly as many jokes as the comedy of errors known as "The Michael Vick Experience." When your coaching staff is dumb enough to run the same play for three straight downs despite the defense blowing it up every single time, you don't have to be Jon Stewart to get off a good one.

Not that I want the team to fail just so I can make jokes, but there's not a lot of mileage that I can get out of "Hey, this Dimitroff guy is making excellent decisions." He's not Rich McKay, who brought you such superstars as Jamaal "Begging to Get Cut" Anderson and "Hands of Stone" Michael Jenkins. Coach Mike Smith, while he has made mistakes, doesn't possess the historic levels of incompetence that makes players give up on the play before it's even run. He's not Bobby Petrino, who alienated Atlanta before the preseason started and didn't even have the common courtesy to get fired. He's not Jim Mora, Jr., who turned over his offensive playcalling to someone who didn't know how to call plays.

Also, for whatever reason, this season I've been avoiding the sportswriters community, which always provided me so many openings to show how a job in mass media doesn't mean that these people are smart. Whether its Skip Bayless giving himself a stroke on ESPN or the AJC's Terence Moore finding the negative side to the return of Jesus, I just haven't sought out their valuable counsel in these past months.

Personally, I blame my job for this. I know that a mature adult would take responsibility for their own actions, but if I were a mature adult, I wouldn't have a blog where I call Sarah Palin a complete imbecile. If you want me to write about the Falcons more, then help me get on at the AJC. Let's restart my campaign to get me hired there. Someone hire me a street team.

Now...having said all of that, the Atlanta Falcons are the best of the NFL's worst teams, which is an improvement on "Well, the Rams are still worse than us." Through seven games, they've lost to three good teams (Bucs, Panthers, Eagles) and beat one crappy team (Lions), one high school team (Chiefs), and two okay teams (Packers, Bears). As I write this, they are running away against a team that's so bad that the franchise should be retracted; the Raiders. I really don't think that the Raiders should even count as a real team. The last time the Falcons had a schedule this soft, they went 11-5 and fooled the country into thinking that they could run with the NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles.

But this team is better than previous teams, just because the GM has realized that there are 52 other roster spots that need to be filled by good players. The Rich McKay method was to have Michael Vick carry the entire load on his back. The Thomas Dimitroff method is to build an real team with players who are capable of playing in the NFL (It actually occurred to him to have an offensive line that can keep people away from someone that isn't deep-fried and lying on their plates) with coaching that can actually adjust to what's happening on the field (Hey! Let's mix up the playcalling!). I think his method is working.

Even the guys that have been here and failed are playing better than they ever have. Former whipping boys for me like Michael Jenkins and Jerious Norwood...it's like someone sat them down and showed them how to actually play football. So what we need to do is find that person, take up a collection, and get them some free gas or extra lap dances at the Pink Pony or something, because who knew that Michael Jenkins was worth a damn as a football player? For far too long, he's been that girl who was cute, but too big to have an exposed midriff. But this past offseason, her aunt came over and showed her that low-rise jeans mixed with a muffintop stomach wasn't cute. Now, she's catching touchdowns from guys who don't look to take advantage of a girl with low self-esteem. I just got lost in my own metaphor.

All in all, I think that we, as Falcons fans, can finally say goodbye to always being at the bottom of the barrel. We are no longer one of the teams that make the faces of other teams light up. We're now one of the teams with the lit-up faces. Before you know it, we'll have our back-to-back winning seasons and playoff runs, just like all the other teams that have had competent management. So, while this might be just a bit premature, let me thank Arthur Blank for finally realizing that just because Rich McKay is really good at math doesn't mean that he can build a football team.

The Falcons are now 5-3.

Week 4 - The Least Exciting Win Ever

The game I was most worried about this entire season was Matt Schaub and the Texans coming into Atlanta, and that’s mainly because I expected them to lose most of the other games. But this one is different because the last thing I need is an ex-Falcon torching the current Falcons for 400 yards and 4 touchdowns. I fully expect Michael Vick to do this one day if Art doesn’t re-sign him when he comes out of jail.

Now, onto this week’s game…first the good:

Finally, the Falcons have won a game. And yet, I couldn’t really get excited about it. Yes, the Falcons kept the returning Matt Schaub from embarrassing them in much the same way that Deion Sanders did when HE returned to Atlanta. Yes, the Falcons offense scored 20 points in the first half. Yes, once again the defense was impressive. But, for God’s sake, they were playing the Texans. I’d like to believe that even with the improvements (well, improvement) that Houston has made, Atlanta is still able to beat them.

It’s hard to get up for a game that Atlanta’s supposed to win. Clearly, most of Atlanta felt that way, because almost no one showed up for the game. Ironic, considering how many people wish Schaub was still here. Their first chance to see him (and most likely, only chance for a while), and no one turned out. Shows how hardcore his supporters really were.

I guess it’s no big deal, though, because it’s not like he dropped 40 on the Falcons or anything like that. 300 yards and a touchdown isn’t so bad, I suppose. But while I’m glad that the Falcons got their first win of the season and counteracted the poetic justice that a Schaub explosion would have provided, it was still just the Texans. And an injured Texans team, at that. Let’s get a grip, all 14 people who care about this win.

Michael Jenkins was going after the ball, getting open, making plays. Has he finally gotten it together? I want to believe that he has, but I can’t get too excited, because let’s face it: They were playing the Texans. Injured Texans. The worst thing that can happen to my mental health right now is that I expect Michael Jenkins and Roddy White to be consistent, productive deep threats in the passing game, because when they start playing like I’m used to them playing (sucking), I’m going to wind up fighting my dad after I put my Timberland through his big screen TV.

And because I say it every week: Joey Harrington is playing well. None of the mistakes made are his fault. And it needs to be said that his decision making is improving all the time. Could Joey Harrington actually be an NFL-worthy quarterback?

…and the bad:

Lewis Sanders: A player that I can only assume is on the roster because warm bodies are needed to fill it out. Why do they keep playing him? Because I believe that they want to see how many times one man can get burnt before he bursts into flames on the field. Every time Houston broke off a big play, Lewis Sanders was the one who gave it up. Can anyone confirm if he’s related to “Give Up the Big Play” Ray Buchanan?

Consistency: The Falcons continue their trend of playing excellent for one half at a time. If they could string together two good halves back to back, they’d be a team worth paying attention to. The defense played a good game, but the offense went back to kicking field goals all through the second half. At least they went in this time. I don’t even remember any of the nightmares I had after Matt Prater blew all those chip shots in Week 2. I’m naming my first born son “Morton.”

Other than that, they looked really good this week. They’re getting better from game to game, but then again, that perception could be skewed by the fact that they were playing the Texans. I really can’t stress that enough. Maybe I’ll get excited when they beat a team that’s sniffed the playoffs this decade.

Next week’s game is at Tennessee. Hmm…we shouldn’t look for the winning streak to kick off next week. I expect the Vick Depression to get into full swing after Vince Young reminds Falcons fans what we once had. Week 6 (vs. NY Giants) doesn’t look good for us, either, unless Eli Manning can out-Harrington the real Joey Harrington.

Week 2 - A Painted Turd is Still A Turd

Before I start, I'd like to just say a couple of things, ask a couple of questions about a few things I simply don't understand.

Seriously, why would you want Michael Vick to apologize to the animals? They can't understand him. I would get their opinions on this, but I'm a rational thinking human being.

Speaking of Vicks, does anyone know what happened to Marcus Vick? Is he still alive? You think Arthur would go for signing him?

Consecutive weeks that the football world has rubbed the Matt Schaub trade in Falcons' fans faces: Two. Look for this to go on all season.

When did the Martian Manhunter start working for Fox? I know it was him, because I recognized the shadow-casting, Cro-Magnon-esque forehead. His name is "Tony Boselli" now. I haven't been this distracted by a sportscaster's physical deformities since Brian Baldinger's mutant pinky.

Yeah, Randy Moss has really lost a step. He's barely hanging on out there. I don't know why anyone would sign him. Because he's stinking up the joint so much this year, I'm so glad that he didn't get his wish and sign with the Falcons three years ago.

Depressing, isn't it? Right now, on that field, Matt Schaub could be completing passes to Randy Moss. This is the kind of thing that spawns heroin addicts.

What's even more depressing is, they've started bringing up the fact that Brett Favre also played here before he became a legend. Black tar heroin, please. I'll go tie myself off.

Now, onto the game…

The Jacksonville Jaguars started the game against the Falcons by sacking Joey Harrington on back-to-back plays to end the first drive. I started working on a good bender before the next series even started. By the time Fred Taylor snapped off that 20 yard run on the first play of the next drive, the room was already swaying.

Well, that's what would have happened if I told the story from the perspective of an alcoholic.

Truthfully, even though the Falcons lost this game 13 to 7, I was actually pretty encouraged by what I saw. The run defense looked very good against two really good running backs in Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew. Roddy White is actually shaking off the effects of standing too close to Michael "Can't Even Catch a Stationary Ball" Jenkins. And once again, the loss was not Joey Harrington's fault.

In fact, Joey Harrington had a pretty good outing, except for the times when he was face down in the grass. You'd think the offensive line would try harder to protect a guy that you know isn't going to move after spending the last few years not knowing where the QB was going to pop up on the field. He might stay in the pocket, he might be running past you, he might be running in the opposite direction. You just never knew what Michael Vick was going to give you. But Joey Harrington? Sure he's slow as molasses, but at least he's consistent. If the offensive line was consistent, Harrington wouldn't be wondering if his affairs are in order every time he snapped the ball. He's actually very good if he's protected.

I'm warming up to Joey Harrington, but even still, every time a play breaks down and he winds up pulling clumps of the turf out of his facemask, a small piece of me dies inside knowing that No. 7 would have turned that play into something that made SportsCenter. Of course, I get over it when Joey Harrington does something like complete a pass downfield. I'm so conflicted right now.

But one thing I'm not conflicted about: How overrated DeAngelo Hall is. He had a decent game today, though, mainly because Jacksonville's passing game isn't that great, Matt Jones is so slow that Mike Zimmer let Hall play Jones one-on-one, and the Jags spent more time testing Lewis "Can't Cover His Own Privates With His Hands" Sanders. In case you were wondering if he might be related to Deion, I'll just suggest that Lewis changes his name to avoid any confusion.

In fact, anytime the Jags moved down the field, it was through the passing game. They scored their only touchdown on a pass in the third quarter, which wouldn't have mattered much if Matt Prater had made his two field goals. Instead, that one touchdown gave the Jags an insurmountable lead of three points, which was eventually extended to six.

As a result, I fully expect kicker Matt Prater's things to be packed in a Staples box and waiting for him in the parking lot as soon as he returns to Atlanta. Bobby Petrino, I need something cleared up: Were you aware that Martin Gramatica was available? Did you really need to cut Morten Andersen? Prater wasn't any good in no-pressure situations in the preseason. You had to know this was coming.

No, the Matt Prater Experiment is ending shortly, much like I suspect the Chris Redman Hypothesis will conclude as soon as D.J. Shockley is healthy. The sooner it happens, the sooner they can help Michael Jenkins adjust to unemployment when the Michael Jenkins Supposition is over. I'm sure you'll find that the answer will be, "No, his hands don't work."

I still feel good about this team, even if they're having a hard time scoring. I don't think they're as bad as everyone is making them out to be. They're a decent team defensively, and if the offensive line can keep the QB standing upright, they'll be able to score some points. Also, the sooner that Bobby Petrino learns that his RBs are better in open space, the sooner that the run game will start mattering again.

I just don't get it: If you want a running back to plow through the tackles, why didn't you keep Jason Snelling? Why don't you play Ovie Mughelli? Once again, is it too late to take back T.J. Duckett?

All in all, even though the Falcons lost again, needlessly, I'm not really upset about it. Maybe I've transcended into some higher plane of thought that allows me to see only the bright spots of yet another crushing defeat. Maybe I'm working really hard to keep my hopes up that the Falcons can turn it around. Maybe I just don't want to be wrong about this team. Or maybe I'm so drunk that I can't really see the keyboard.

Maybe I've really secretly given up on the team and don't expect them to win. If that's the case, this is all your fault, Michael Vick. I'm going to go flush all my Vaporub down the toilet in protest.

The First Game of the Season

I can’t believe I waited two months for this.

The Falcons’ just got overrun by the Minnesota Vikings. Listen, I wasn’t expecting the Falcons to win the Super Bowl this season, but I was expecting them to be able to handle the Minnesota Vikings.

I know it was just the preseason, but how is it that they looked that good two weeks ago, and all of a sudden they were a high school team playing against the Indianapolis Colts. Two weeks ago Joey Harrington was shredding defenses. Two weeks ago, the offensive line was a solid wall. Today, the O-line was drilled in more holes than a veteran porn star.

But of all things that happened, I never expected to be able to say this at the end: It wasn’t Joey Harrington’s fault.

No, because in addition to constant pressure from that vaunted Minnesota defense, Roddy White and Michael Jenkins kept dropping passes. Not as many as last season, but that’s like saying, “This time, I only got shot THREE times.” And just like last season, the wrong receiver was on the field. Where was Laurent Robinson? Where was Joe Horn? I barely saw them at all during the game.

Joe Horn had been a playmaker his entire career. Laurent Robinson is a playmaker-in-the-making. I’m talking “bring the ball in even though the quarterback screwed up the throw” type playmaker. He is the kind of receiver that Michael Vick had been waiting for. Meanwhile, Michael Jenkins has been disappointing Falcons’ fans since 2004. He must be offering to play for free, because that’s the only way I can see him keeping his job.

No, none of that can be blamed on Joey Harrington. He didn’t assemble the roster. He wasn’t calling the plays. He was blocking. All of his interceptions weren’t even his fault. One of them, a defensive lineman managed to get off the ground and steal it, but the second one was Michael Jenkins’ fault. Not only did he not catch the ball, but he deflected it into the defender’s hands and made no move to tackle the defender as he ran away. Joey at least made an effort to tackle him. Sure, he almost missed the defender completely, but he’s a quarterback. He gets points for trying.

And speaking of the playcalling, if Jim Mora and Greg Knapp had known that I existed and read my blog, they would have heard me screaming about the playcalling while they were here. It seems that Mr. Petrino is gonna be hearing from me, too. That is, assuming he knew who I was.

You’d think by now that a coach would know a little bit about his personnel, especially a player with the career of Warrick Dunn. Warrick Dunn is about 5’6” and about 110 pounds. He is not breaking through any defensive line. He is not a between the tackles type of runner. Everyone has known this since he was at Florida State. Meanwhile, Jerious Norwood has the kind of speed that you usually expect to see on the Discovery Channel or in cartoons.

Bobby Petrino is the kind of coach that loves a between the tackles runner. He loves a big strong fullback to bust through the line. While it could mean that he has some kind of fetish, it doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t have that kind of runner. Yes, the Falcons signed Ovie Mughelli to be that guy, but he didn’t play that much and the one time I noticed him on the field, he was catching a pass. He could have played Jason Snelling if they hadn’t cut him. All that time, that T.J. Duckett trade looks more and more stupid.

Hopefully, Petrino will learn fast that Dunn and Norwood aren’t fullbacks or even that big, but they have strengths of their own, like being hard to tackle or being fast. It’s hard for that kind of strength to shine when you’ve got a 280 pound defensive end standing on your chest.

And then, there was the defense. Excuse me, I meant “defense.”

The Falcons’ run defense would have been more effective if they ran alongside Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor, shouting suggestions in their ears that they lay down. And did anyone else notice that on every big play that the Vikings made, there was DeAngelo Hall with smoke coming off of his body, because he just got burnt?

Yes, it was only the first game of the season, but it was a really bad first game against a team that I don’t think is really that good. I’m starting to reconsider my support for the Falcons and my claims that they’d surprise some people.

Well, they did manage to surprise me. I didn’t expect them to be THIS bad. They didn’t even manage to score a touchdown. It’s gonna be a long season.

Falcons 3, Vikings 24.