Before I start, I'd like to just say a couple of things, ask a couple of questions about a few things I simply don't understand.
Seriously, why would you want Michael Vick to apologize to the animals? They can't understand him. I would get their opinions on this, but I'm a rational thinking human being.
Speaking of Vicks, does anyone know what happened to Marcus Vick? Is he still alive? You think Arthur would go for signing him?
Consecutive weeks that the football world has rubbed the Matt Schaub trade in Falcons' fans faces: Two. Look for this to go on all season.
When did the Martian Manhunter start working for Fox? I know it was him, because I recognized the shadow-casting, Cro-Magnon-esque forehead. His name is "Tony Boselli" now. I haven't been this distracted by a sportscaster's physical deformities since Brian Baldinger's mutant pinky.
Yeah, Randy Moss has really lost a step. He's barely hanging on out there. I don't know why anyone would sign him. Because he's stinking up the joint so much this year, I'm so glad that he didn't get his wish and sign with the Falcons three years ago.
Depressing, isn't it? Right now, on that field, Matt Schaub could be completing passes to Randy Moss. This is the kind of thing that spawns heroin addicts.
What's even more depressing is, they've started bringing up the fact that Brett Favre also played here before he became a legend. Black tar heroin, please. I'll go tie myself off.
Now, onto the game…
The Jacksonville Jaguars started the game against the Falcons by sacking Joey Harrington on back-to-back plays to end the first drive. I started working on a good bender before the next series even started. By the time Fred Taylor snapped off that 20 yard run on the first play of the next drive, the room was already swaying.
Well, that's what would have happened if I told the story from the perspective of an alcoholic.
Truthfully, even though the Falcons lost this game 13 to 7, I was actually pretty encouraged by what I saw. The run defense looked very good against two really good running backs in Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew. Roddy White is actually shaking off the effects of standing too close to Michael "Can't Even Catch a Stationary Ball" Jenkins. And once again, the loss was not Joey Harrington's fault.
In fact, Joey Harrington had a pretty good outing, except for the times when he was face down in the grass. You'd think the offensive line would try harder to protect a guy that you know isn't going to move after spending the last few years not knowing where the QB was going to pop up on the field. He might stay in the pocket, he might be running past you, he might be running in the opposite direction. You just never knew what Michael Vick was going to give you. But Joey Harrington? Sure he's slow as molasses, but at least he's consistent. If the offensive line was consistent, Harrington wouldn't be wondering if his affairs are in order every time he snapped the ball. He's actually very good if he's protected.
I'm warming up to Joey Harrington, but even still, every time a play breaks down and he winds up pulling clumps of the turf out of his facemask, a small piece of me dies inside knowing that No. 7 would have turned that play into something that made SportsCenter. Of course, I get over it when Joey Harrington does something like complete a pass downfield. I'm so conflicted right now.
But one thing I'm not conflicted about: How overrated DeAngelo Hall is. He had a decent game today, though, mainly because Jacksonville's passing game isn't that great, Matt Jones is so slow that Mike Zimmer let Hall play Jones one-on-one, and the Jags spent more time testing Lewis "Can't Cover His Own Privates With His Hands" Sanders. In case you were wondering if he might be related to Deion, I'll just suggest that Lewis changes his name to avoid any confusion.
In fact, anytime the Jags moved down the field, it was through the passing game. They scored their only touchdown on a pass in the third quarter, which wouldn't have mattered much if Matt Prater had made his two field goals. Instead, that one touchdown gave the Jags an insurmountable lead of three points, which was eventually extended to six.
As a result, I fully expect kicker Matt Prater's things to be packed in a Staples box and waiting for him in the parking lot as soon as he returns to Atlanta. Bobby Petrino, I need something cleared up: Were you aware that Martin Gramatica was available? Did you really need to cut Morten Andersen? Prater wasn't any good in no-pressure situations in the preseason. You had to know this was coming.
No, the Matt Prater Experiment is ending shortly, much like I suspect the Chris Redman Hypothesis will conclude as soon as D.J. Shockley is healthy. The sooner it happens, the sooner they can help Michael Jenkins adjust to unemployment when the Michael Jenkins Supposition is over. I'm sure you'll find that the answer will be, "No, his hands don't work."
I still feel good about this team, even if they're having a hard time scoring. I don't think they're as bad as everyone is making them out to be. They're a decent team defensively, and if the offensive line can keep the QB standing upright, they'll be able to score some points. Also, the sooner that Bobby Petrino learns that his RBs are better in open space, the sooner that the run game will start mattering again.
I just don't get it: If you want a running back to plow through the tackles, why didn't you keep Jason Snelling? Why don't you play Ovie Mughelli? Once again, is it too late to take back T.J. Duckett?
All in all, even though the Falcons lost again, needlessly, I'm not really upset about it. Maybe I've transcended into some higher plane of thought that allows me to see only the bright spots of yet another crushing defeat. Maybe I'm working really hard to keep my hopes up that the Falcons can turn it around. Maybe I just don't want to be wrong about this team. Or maybe I'm so drunk that I can't really see the keyboard.
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