Niggas vs. Tasteful Automobiles

Straight from the Dumb Nigga Marketing Department:

Just when you thought you had seen the worst that a nigga could do to his car.

After we had survived niggas ruining the legacy of the Crown Royal, the Cadillac, and every big bodied car that Chevrolet made in the 70s and 80s. After we turned a blind eye to gold rims, dropped suspension, , low profiles, neon lights, hydraulics, spoilers on everything, candy paint, and tinted windows so dark that it forced the cops to pull them over. Even grossly oversized rims, the chrome rim phase, and rims that spin don't bother me as much as the hot new nigga craze.

I was riding down South Hairston in Stone Mountain when I rolled up on this car. It was a Crown Royal, but it looked different than every other crown royal, because it was partially painted yellow and partially painted red and it had some writing on the sides, and a picture on the trunk. I became curious, so I got closer.

At this point, I could read what it said, but I thought to myself, "No, it can't really say that. That would be stupid." But when we stopped at the light at Redan Rd. and South Hairston I got a good look at this car and I truly believed that The Hamburglar must have dropped some acid in my double-cheeseburger, because I can't really be seeing this.

The car was emblazoned with the McDonald's logo.

It said McDonald's on the side and it had the McDonald's logo on the hood and trunk. Simply put, it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen. The only thing that would have made it worse is if they had somehow worked the McDonald's characters faces into the color scheme. I'm sure that's the next step. It's got to be.

When I got to my parents' house, I talked to a couple of my aunts and they said that they had seen all kinds of products being painted on cars recently. Apparently, it's something that's come out of Alabama, and I wonder why, dear sweet, sugary Jesus, why would you take your cues from people who come out of Alabama?

So all the niggas that can read, come to the computer. I want to tell you something and I want you to translate it into nigga-speak so other dumb niggas can understand this: Corporate America loves dumb niggas like yourselves. What your monkey ass thinks is "dat fire," intelligent people see as "free advertising."

And "fucking stupid." Can't stress that enough. You might as well be painting "White people: Yes, I am a nigger," on the side of your car. On the hood, you can paint the California Raisins singing, "I like chicken."

These companies are constantly looking for ways to exploit you and show you the least amount of respect as possible. This time, they didn't even have to think it up. It probably occurred to them at some point, but they never went through with it, because they probably thought, "Nah...that's ridiculous, even for the marketing department."

Do you really think McDonald's is going to be proud of you for sucking up to them like this? Do you think that Remy Martin (I saw this car today) is going to give you free shit for spending your own money to advertise their product? I know you don't own stock in the company or anything, because dumb niggas don't invest. Dumb niggas don't even have bank accounts.

I really hope this doesn't catch on because if I see a white person riding around with "Abercrombie & Fitch" on their car, I don't think I'm gonna be able to handle it. I'm really hoping that we don't see the depths of the nigga imagination on this one. It's just a matter of time before someone starts wearing Pepsi-branded gold teeth. Ladies with Cristal logos on their fingernails. Kool-Aid branded hair styles. It's not that big of a stretch because some women actually dye their hair with Kool-Aid.

See what you've started? Now my inner-nigga is coming out. The difference between you and me, though, is that I'm probably going to kill mine by reading books and staying out of jail. You know what else they hate? When I wear my pants up on my waist. Gets 'em every time.

Niggas...just stop. I'm tired of calling you niggas, but I can't call you "black people," because you're too busy being niggas. You're enjoying your niggerdom just a little too much and it's embarrassing the rest of us. And I don't want you jumping to the end and just tattooing your faces with these logos. It's stupid to give companies free advertising. Make them pay you for it, like NASCAR, not spending your own money to plaster your car with their logos. Anything else is just backwards.

Or maybe I haven't done enough research on this. Maybe you are getting paid to do this. It still doesn't change the fact that your car looks retarded. NASCAR drivers don't take their cars out on I-285. But it's good to know that niggas can put a price on their dignity. Maybe that's what it means to be "keepin' it real."