More Stuff I Saw In The News

Straight from the “No Damn Duh” Department:

Jenny Kephart is suing a casino for taking advantage of her. She claims that the casino knew that she had a $1 million inheritance and had evil plans to take her money from her. Only they did it in a legal, yet sinister way. They convinced her to give to them by tricking her into placing it into a machine with the hopes that she might get more money back. So not only did they steal her money, they showed the woman that she’s stupider than a lab rat.

I wish I was a lawyer for the casino, because I’d love the opportunity to openly mock this woman’s intelligence in an open forum. I’d ask her questions like, “Please show me the man who pointed the gun at you?” She’d look confused for a minute before I followed up with, “Because that’s the only way that you’d get an intelligent person to part with a million dollars.”

This is a clear example of why we need to put people in jail who waste the court’s time. She claims that the casino was after her money, but they didn’t invite her inside for milk and cookies. It’s a casino and their job is to take your money. The word “casino,” in the ancient Hindu, means “Looking you dead in the eyes while we swipe your wallet. Please enjoy the buffet. Wayne Newton will be here all week.”

So if you think a casino should show some responsibility to protect your finances, then you deserve to lose your money. If you can’t be bothered to think things like “Hey, I should really pay my rent this month,” because you swear that the row of slots you’ve been feeding all week is about to hit, then let me be the first to call you “sucker.” The casino would have called you that, but they prefer to call people like you “mark.” And an easy one, at that. Jenny Kephart needs to find something she’s good at, because gambling clearly isn’t it.

Welcome to America, the land where someone’s always looking to legally empty your pockets.

Fat People Are Going To Hell

Apparently, God hates the overweight. There are a string of pastors around the country who have been preaching the Health Gospel, trying to get people not to eat the entire plate of ribs at Big Mama’s house.

Fat people feel as though they’re being targeted, which the church doesn’t really need to do, because fat people are everyone’s target, unless you live in the South, where they like that sort of thing.

Thanks to Oprah, the world has become just a little too accepting of being overweight. Now, the world feels that you’re just fine the way you are. Well, the world inside of our borders. The outside world still thinks you’re a slob.

It’s not that you’re not a good person or should be discriminated against if you’re overweight, but I don’t care what you say, it’s just not healthy. I know that it’s not healthy, because I’m overweight and I’m not healthy. And if the church is trying to do a good thing and get people off the couch and onto the treadmill, then what’s the big deal? Why are fat people always getting upset when someone tries to get them to lose weight?

The argument is, for one, that gluttony and sloth are two of the Seven Deadly Sins, and that you can’t live the life that God has intended for you if you can’t walk a flight of stairs without sweating butter. On top of that, they argue that our ancestors from Biblical times weren’t overweight and if we followed their eating examples, we wouldn’t have to wear clothes sizes that double up on our shoe sizes, and not live in fear of gravy making our hearts explode.

The counterargument is that there’s nothing wrong with weighing 300 pounds, even if you’re 5’2”. I can’t really add anything to this, because it’s so ridiculous that I can’t believe that anyone seriously believes it. You can’t really believe this. You just can’t. Your weight says nothing about your personality, but your weight says a lot about whether or not you’re going to be found face down in a bucket of extra crispy. The truth of the matter is, high blood pressure isn’t a normal condition and neither are extra large clothes.

So instead of complaining about discrimination from someone who’s clearly trying to help you, why not just shut up, take a pass on the seconds, thirds, and fourths, and go walk around the block a few times? You’ll feel better 50 or 60 pounds from now.