2007 Summer Sports Scandal Wrap-Up

The soul-crushing grind that is the summer baseball season is almost at an end. School is in full swing, so stay-at-home parents are guaranteed a full eight hours of peace in their lives. The Fall TV Season has begun. The heat that melts Blockbuster videos and makes football players pass out has faded. The real sports are getting going and there’s a reason to watch SportsCenter once again. In my adult life, October has become one of my favorite times of the year to look forward to.

I don’t think people really understand how much I’ve grown to dislike the summertime, mainly because I associate it with baseball, the most boring sport I can think of without completely creating something in my head. To try to create a sport more boring than baseball would require a master at the art of boredom, sitting like a statue for hours on end to come up with a sport where two people finally settle the argument of who can sit like a statue for the longest.

The saddest part is, it would probably get a TV deal. Let’s face it, in a world where “The World Series of Poker” can get a deal and the “Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship” was not only televised, but attended by thousands of people, there’s no doubt in my mind that “World Statue Battlers: Super Edition DX” would become a huge hit.

These are the things I think of during the summer, because there’s nothing to entertain me, and the world isn’t ready for my imagination to start wandering. For my own sanity, the time between the NBA Finals and NFL Preseason needs to get a little bit shorter. The thing is, only two months separates the two, but it feels like six, and I believe it’s getting longer every year. Is Bud Selig artificially extending the season and not telling anyone? How do I know that the season isn’t really 250 games long?

I guess it’s only fitting that the most boring sport in America takes place during the most boring time of year. The only reason to watch ESPN at all is to see if there are any scandals that are popping off, and this year’s constant scandals saved ESPN’s ratings. If it wasn’t for Michael Vick’s indictment setting everything off, ESPN would have had to settle for it’s fake “Who’s Now?” tournament. If you ever notice, ESPN always saves crap like this for the summer, and why not? No one’s watching.

This summer, the sports world seemingly lost its collective minds, and I don’t mean in the “Orlando just signed Rashard Lewis for how much?” kind of way. I mean, full-on “No, he ripped off David Stern’s toupee and ate it,” kind of way. These people have gone bats*** crazy, as if millions of dollars, worldwide fame, and a complete separation from average people could really do that to a person. The year isn’t even close to being over yet, and already, every sport has been involved in a scandal of some sort. It’s not like anything like Kobe demanding a trade or something like that. It’s the kind of stuff that shakes the sport to its core.

Thank you, Sports World Degenerates. Thank you for saving me from “Who’s Now?” The last thing I needed was a creepy Skip Bayless fantasizing about some underage girl on a CW show or Jessica Biel talking about anything that didn’t include being naked. I wouldn’t have made it throughout the summer if not for you and the following embarrassments:

Tim Donaghy Defeats the Scourge of Obscurity.

Above and beyond anything else in sports is the Tim Donaghy gambling scandal. It was so big, it took a nothing nobody like Tim Donaghy and put his name on the lips of sports fans worldwide. Even in a world where NBA refs Dick Bavetta and Joey Crawford enjoy a certain level of celebrity, I don’t think I ever heard the name “Tim Donaghy” until it came out of the mouth of an FBI agent. He’s going the right way for a book deal, and that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

Why is it such a big deal? The bottom line is this, a professional sports league is only as credible as its referees. And when you have a referee that was not only gambling on games that he was officiating, but also had mob ties, your league has a problem. Now, he’s naming names of other referees who have gambled, not necessarily on games, but on dogs or in casinos. Pandora’s Box has been opened and the feds are about to slide into it, with no condom. I’ll let you think about that for a second.

Adam “Pacman” Jones in “How to Destroy Your Career.”

He’s had numerous run-ins with the cops. He throws money at strippers, asks for it back, and has the nerve to get upset when they refuse. He drives an orange Lamborghini around Nashville with the wrong tags and incomplete insurance information. He pisses off the football purists and media elite by becoming a wrestler during his suspension. And lastly, he became a rapper. Ladies and gentlemen: Adam “Pacman” Jones! And what’s next for the Pacman? Well, the Vegas odds should be on the following:

Porn (2 to 1). Would you be surprised? I mean, it can’t get much lower than wrestling and rapping within a week of each other. Keep an eye on the back room of your local video store for “Pacman’s Pooter Patrol,” “Pacman Nibbles My Pellet,” “Gridiron Grinding,” and “Pacman, You’re A F***ing Slut.”

Sean Salisbury’s Reaction: Head explodes, just like that guy at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Salisbury wishes he had enough talent to go down in flames like Pacman is doing. Salisbury gives it a rating of “three bulging neck veins out of four and a broken capillary in his eye.”

Professional Gambling (3 to 1). If he got involved in any gambling at all, it would be proof that all of this is a cry for help. With gambling being on center stage the way it is these days, I don’t think Pacman can help but get involved. He’s probably think it’s a good way to keep his name in the streets.

Sean Salisbury’s Reaction: Righteous indignation makes his eyes bleed every time someone brings up either Pacman or video games. Mean-spirited name-calling, claims to be embarrassed for Pacman, kicks John Clayton in the stomach in protest. Turns red in the face; veins in forehead and neck clearly visible.

Horse-Racing (7 to 1). No, not riding horses or even bankrolling a horse. I mean, going the Chad Johnson route and physically racing a horse. They’d go on tour to fairgrounds around the country and charge two bits a gander. People could bring their fastest horses out and put them up against Pacman. Every time he wins, he punches the horse in the face.

Sean Salisbury’s Reaction: His anger, being so pure that it could kill a man, would make him tear his shirt off and suffocate John Clayton in his gut before beating Clayton to death with his own arms.

The Dog-Stomping Adventures of Michael Vick.

Like sands through the hour glass, Michael Vick is going to be stuck in a contained space for a long time.

I held out hope that he’d find a way to get off, but every day, he gets closer and closer to the leg-shackles of destiny. His boys have allegedly sold him out, but I say “allegedly” in the same way that I say that R. Kelly “allegedly” had sex with a minor.

And while it’s stupid to sell out the one person in your circle of friends who has any money, it’s also stupid to be involved in dogfighting in the first place or to keep criminal friends around where they can fuck it up for everyone.

Now, the best that Michael Vick’s legal team can do is try to assure that he’ll be able to get back into the NFL after he gets out of jail. What a waste. And there were whispers that fellow Virginia Tech Hokie DeAngelo Hall could be involved as well. The plot thickens, mainly because it simply won’t end.

Barry “Satan” Bonds and the Home-Run Record.

True enough, this has been a scandal for quite sometime, but this is the year when the skies fell, dogs started humping cats, and volcanoes started spewing milkshake, all at once. Everything went wrong when Barry Bonds passed Hank Aaron on the all-time home run list. Why is it such a big deal? Because Barry Bonds “allegedly” used steroids in his career, much in the same way that Dick Cheney is “allegedly” the Devil: We don’t have any proof of our accusations, but instead there’s just a general sense of dread whenever he enters a room. And baseball purists don’t like cheaters in their hallowed “sport” unless they’re Mark McGwire or Babe Ruth.

Don’t Forget About Hockey! Please!

Oh, yeah. Hockey has a gambling scandal, too. But it’s hockey, so no one cared. It involved a general manager or something and I think Wayne Gretzky’s wife. Hockey would have been shaken to it’s core if the lockout and revocation of major network TV deals hadn’t already done it. Truly, this was only a story because the NBA now has a gambling scandal. I would have never remembered this if not for Tim Donaghy…and a passing reminder on SportsCenter.

Hockey: a sport so un-famous that the name of its most famous player triggers my spellchecker. If Michael Jordan’s name was Cheesemaker Leeruangsri it wouldn’t trigger the spell check. Now, that’s fame. Oh, Canada…why won’t you take this game back?