College players don't play any harder than pros, you fool

I get that some folks like college sports more because of this myth that college students play harder.  I don't know where it came from, but it had to have been started by someone who doesn't understand football. It's a really stupid argument that NFL players aren't playing hard all the time, because you will be killed if you play football at half-speed while everyone else isn't.  You could try to argue that teams collectively decide to slack off, but we've seen that before, too.  It's called the Pro Bowl, and the Pro Bowl sucks.

People really push this idea when it comes to basketball, though.  Personally, I don't buy the fact that pro players don't play hard, because there is no other sensible reason for Kobe Bryant to sweat that much.  If Kobe is sweating like that and not playing hard, I suggest that he see a doctor.  I mean, besides the one about to cut open his shoulder.

Now, if you told me that pro players didn't play hard every night, you might have an argument, and even then, I don't blame the players.  The players aren't slacking off because they're overpaid fat-cats that can't be bothered to entertain the fans.  The players are slacking off because they have to play the Knicks six times.

The NBA season is already an 82 game grind, and you expect these players to bring the same fire that they'd give to Chicago to the Philadelphia 76ers?  The good teams get more of a challenge playing themselves in practice.  Playing the Sixers multiple times is like the morning conference call of basketball games.  It has to be done to make the boss happy, but you're not about to pretend like it's truly necessary.

It's only an expectation because it's believed that Michael Jordan did it.  Oh, Jordan never took a game off.  And he probably didn't, because Michael Jordan is a lunatic.  You saw from his Hall of Fame speech how much trouble he's having adjusting to civilized society, where every perceived slight isn't grounds for some form of revenge.  When regular people do that, they usually need to seek some form of counseling, because making the other person keep shooting half-court shots for two hours until you win (this actually happened) isn't a realistic option.  But let's make Michael Jordan's rare psychosis the standard for NBA players.  Kobe shares this affliction, but you hate Kobe, and right now, he's trying to figure out how to tape up his rotator cuff so he can play next week.  This isn't healthy behavior.

Besides, the NBA season is four times as long as a college season.  Who can't bring it for twenty games?  True, being browbeaten by some redass college coach could be exhausting, but if you're any good, you're only gonna be there for a year or two, anyway.  When you're a 19 year old college player who has agents secretly telling him that he's going in the lottery, and girls sneaking in and out of your dorm room, you're not listening to the coach, anyway.  Play defense? Defense is for suckers.  Carmelo didn't play defense at Syracuse (and it was a zone defense, at that), and he has a $124 million dollar deal.

And that's what it's all about, anyway.  They're not doing this for some mythical love of the game.  This is their audition for the same millions that Carmelo gets.  They don't love the game any more than the pros do.  They just don't have to keep up the illusion as long.

But let these kids have to go on a six game road trip in the middle of a forty game season, through flyover country, against a bunch of schools that even Digger Phelps would struggle to recognize, and see how much effort you get.  John Calipari could offer his players cash bribes on top of their secret signing bonuses and Kentucky still wouldn't show up against Kennesaw State.  Hell, if they did show up against Kennesaw State and beat them by 70, these same folks would complain that Kentucky ran up the score.

So I don't mind if players take a few games off because who cares, they're playing Charlotte.  If Golden State really brought it for four quarters against Charlotte, Charlotte would lose by 200 points and Michael Jordan's anger would make him try to suit up again.

And you shouldn't care, either, because it's not like those games get aired by anyone except NBA TV.

Dion Waiters doesn't have to stand for the National Anthem, and neither do you

I swear, y'all get so touchy about the wrong shit.

There's a story going around that Dion Waiters, shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavaliers, declared that he isn't standing for the National Anthem anymore, because of his religious beliefs.  He's a Muslim, and as we all know, Muslims hate America.  Well, we would all know that if we all did the right thing and watched Fox News.  

And as you'd expect, there's a whole lot of people mad at him, because reacting without knowing reasons is so commonplace in America that you'd think it was in the Constitution.  To let the folks I saw online tell it, we should all be offended that he hates America so much, and that he should go play in the Middle East if he loves Islam so much.  Only the most measured and reasonable responses go on the internet.  It's not like he'd stand for the National Anthem over there, either.

Now, as an old man, it isn't the first time I've seen this.  I remember when Chris Jackson, later known as Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, of the Denver Nuggets (and hated Gulfport High School), did the same thing back in 1996, for the same reasons.  He eventually decided to stand and pray, as a way to, um...what's the word that means "meeting in the middle?"  Compromise.  You'll have to excuse me for forgetting the word, but it never happens in our culture anymore, so I haven't needed to remember it. 

But in the meantime, people went crazy, just like they're on the verge of doing now.  Insults, death threats, the whole nine.  And over the stupidest of reasons:  Over a song written by a slave owner who ironically didn't want his own freedom restricted.  And for a song about freedom, people out here sure are hell-bent on Dion Waiters not keeping his.

After all, it isn't a crime not to stand for the National Anthem.  It's a nationalistic custom that became codified, but no one ever goes to jail for this, and people refuse to stand for the National Anthem all the time.  Hell, I've personally refused to stand for the National Anthem before.  And it's not like there aren't things happening in America that give people reasons to feel like America isn't with them.  Dion Waiters is black and a Muslim.  Buddy's got a list.  

But he probably isn't doing it for those reasons, anyway (although he'd be justified).  It isn't some political statement that he's making.  Muslims simply believe (according to the Google research I did right before sliding into an endless vortex of Salon articles. There's one that explains why we have pubic hair. Pubic hair.) that they're not supposed to humble themselves or stand in veneration for anyone except Allah.  There's a lot I don't agree with when it comes to Islam, but I have no problem with that.  After all, they're trying to stay good with their omnipotent and eternal Creator, and you want to give them grief about a custom built up around a song written 200 years ago that'll probably be forgotten in another hundred.  When it comes to historical importance (from their perspective), you might as well be mad at them for not wanting to do the Schmoney Dance. 

And if you're a Christian (and most of you are claiming to be, because atheists really don't care that much), you probably should back up off all this anger, because your religion says something similar, all up in the Bible.  Yeah, revering this flag and song is tantamount to idolatry.  I'm an unrepentant heathen, and even I know that your God doesn't like that.  Come on now, you know that dude is jealous and angry.  You think he's gonna be reasonable about your nationalism?  I guess you could throw Romans 13:1 at me (Google it, like I did), but again, there's no authority that says you have to stand for the flag.  Just advisory rules that suggest how you observe the custom.  

Really, none of this means anything at all, because while Dion Waiters didn't stand for the National Anthem in Utah on Wednesday (he was still in the locker room), he did stand for it Friday night in Denver.  Waiters says that the story isn't true at all (might not even be a Muslim), and what's more likely is that he was pouting about being pulled from the starting lineup in Utah.  Waiters has been talking shit about how he should start from the minute LeBron said he was coming back to Cleveland, so I'm sure he wasn't happy about coming off the bench.  But I felt like I should address it, because I know how Americans like to overreact about meaningless things.  

It's what I get for insisting on reading the comments.  Never read the comments.

Maybe Mark Jackson ISN'T a victim. MAYBE.

So Mark Jackson got fired from the Warriors yesterday, despite being the best coach they've had since the first time Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out.  Remember those days?  You could still buy a black and white TV.  Michael Jackson being white was a new thing. 

All the reports are saying that no one liked him and that's why he got fired.  Well, no one except the team.  You know, the most important people to impress.  Because there's plenty of coaches that got along great with the front office who would get outcoached at the YMCA youth league, which is why they now have a well paid job working the telestrator on ESPN.  ESPN is nature's way of removing shitty coaches from the business of winning basketball games. 

Logically speaking, though, that's probably the dumbest reason of all time to fire a coach.  The dude won 51 games, got the team into the playoffs the last two years, and has the support of the team.  You know, the guys who put asses in the seats.  He's making you money and he's winning games.  How fragile does your ego have to be to end all of that just because the coach doesn't like you, Joe Lacob?  I would say that coaches have been fired for less, but there will always be Jerry Jones and George Steinbrenner.  You have to sink to subhuman levels of pettiness to get where they are, but that's where Joe Lacob seems to be now.  Firing a coach for not getting along with the owner is like firing a coach who just won two Super Bowls for you, because the media didn't give you enough credit for putting the team together. 

Now, everyone's mad at the owner, because everyone loved Mark Jackson, and in basketball, that's important.  The media needs to like the coach, otherwise, they'll start a campaign to D'Antoni your team.  Of course the players have to like the coach.  The fans should like the coach, because they're buying tickets.  Who gives a fuck what the people working for the organization think?  No one's coming to see you.  And do you know how irrelevant the owner can be when it comes to public outreach?  Donald Sterling is a racist and has owned the Clippers for 33 years.  When he bought them, almost everyone I know was semen.  He's been a racist the whole time, and it hasn't stopped the Clippers from selling tickets. 

So as long Mark Jackson isn't messing up that cash, it really shouldn't matter.  Then again, scuttlebutt around the Bay says there's more to it than that. 

Word from the SF Gate has it that Mark Jackson, who is a pastor (I honestly had no idea until a few hours ago), and team president Rick Welts, who is "a gay (that's a quote from Donald Sterling)," were at odds about Welts's openly gay lifestyle.

Well, that changes everything.  Because if that's true, then it changes from a story about a sensitive ass owner to a guy who was openly insulting his boss.  'Cuz Mark Jackson wasn't shy about weighing in about gay issues in the NBA, and he didn't seem like the most gay-friendly guy.  On a scale from "one" to "Tim Hardaway," I would hope he was closer to "one," but he doesn't exactly sound welcoming.  When Jason Collins came out, Mark Jackson said something about having "beliefs of what’s right and what’s wrong."  He also said he was going to pray for Collins's family.  And as a guy who hasn't been to church since the last time the Warriors were good, someone saying that they're going to pray for you means that they want something about you to change.  By some accounts, Jackson really wasn't feeling "the gays."

And if this is true, it's probably going to become a thing about how a "God-fearing Christian man" lost his job because of his religious beliefs, and I'm going to start insulting people for being hypocrites again.  If it is true, Mark Jackson lost his job because he wouldn't shut the fuck up.  You can't go around insulting your boss, even if you believe your religion entitles you to shit on everyone else's lifestyle (it doesn't).  That's what this is about.  Mark Jackson isn't a victim when you put it like that.  Mark Jackson isn't even a man of conviction.  Mark Jackson is stupid.  Just because you believe something doesn't mean it needs to be said all the time. 

Besides, can you really get that mad about some religious guy getting fired by his openly gay boss?  It's actually kind of ironic, considering all of the roadblocks people are throwing up at gay people in the name of "religious freedom."  I almost hope this story is true, just so I can laugh at the people who get mad. 

But if it isn't true, then I retract all of that and I'll meet everyone at the picket line to cape up for Mark Jackson.  I'll have my trash can ready for optimal window-throwing and everything.  Promise.  

The Donald Sterl-mancipation

So I guess I'm supposed to be happy that Donald Sterling got a lifetime ban from the NBA.  Yeah, that's fantastic, considering that his days on this earth are probably in the single digits, anyway.  It's a lifetime ban for a person without much life left.  And he still owns the team, so all Adam Silver really did was tell him he can't come to the stadium.  When you buy Clippers merch or tix, you're still putting money in his pocket. And speaking of money, on a percentage basis, the amount that he got fined is about the same as you being fined around $20. 

Yeah, we got a huge win today.

But during a few checks on social media when I was supposed to be working, I see y'all out here acting like we just got emancipated.  Like it was the OJ verdict all over again.  And I gotta ask, what are you so happy about?

Now, I'm not one of these people who's gonna try to ruin your good mood by saying that there are more important things to be concerned with.  Those people are assholes, because of course there's always something to be more concerned with. It's just that there hasn't been much change on the Keystone XL Pipeline and Congress still isn't passing any bills.  And since The Walking Dead still hasn't come back, we're pretty starved for excitement.

No, I'm going to ruin your good mood by telling you that this is nothing to be happy about, because Donald Sterling didn't get banned because he's a racist.  Donald Sterling got banned because it became big news that he was a racist. 

Donald Sterling was a racist a long time before now, and there were a whole lot of incidents that he was involved in that were reported on and promptly ignored.  The only difference between this one and all of those was how you found out about it.  The other ones came out through lawsuits and court depositions and OH MY GOD THIS IS SO BORINGZZZZZZZZZZZZ. This one came out because his jump off (I refuse to call her anything else) goaded him into talking about black people so she could record it and leak it to TMZ.  Already, this story is more sexy.  Certainly, sexier than she is.  She looks like she used to be a man. 

All of a sudden, Donald Sterling is an embarrassment and needs to be removed, but wasn't he just as embarrassing, if not more so back in 2009, when he paid out the largest settlement on housing discrimination lawsuit ever?  Or what about those sexual harassment suits?  His callous nature when it came to evicting tenants?  The time that he made his wife pose as a government worker and visit the residents of his buildings to find out what race they were, so he could evict them?  Refusing to rent to Blacks or Latinos at all?  Donald Sterling has been a horrible piece of shit racist for a long time.  So really, it should insult all of you that this is what it took to bring him down. 

You mean to tell me that the NBA didn't know about any of this?  And that his racist views expressed in a private conversation is worse than the stuff listed above that the NBA certainly knows about?  The NBA doesn't care that Donald Sterling is racist.  The NBA cares that you know he's racist.  If this was about his racism, they would have banned him in 1983 when he asked Rollie Massamino, "I wanna know why you think you can coach these niggers."

The truth is, if Donald Sterling's jump off was a woman of a higher character, you wouldn't know anything that he said and they wouldn't have done anything.  Period.  Despite the fact that he's continued to make himself rich by denying living space to minorities.  Despite the fact that he's sexually harassed women in his employ.  Adam Silver can get in front of reporters and make his dramatic statements, but the truth is, it wasn't a problem for them before.  It only became a problem when it became public.

And the same goes for all of these sponsors who cut ties with the Clippers.  If y'all don't stop acting like you have morals.  Every one of you is a conglomerate of corrupt pieces of shit.  Every one of you knew who Sterling was and chose to sign deals with him anyway, because OOH LOOGIT BLAKE GRIFFIN JUMPS HIGH.  And now that everyone knows that he's a bigot, you don't want your brand associated with him.  Good thing those lawsuits got swept under the rug, otherwise, you would have been forced to leave all that money on the table.  So CarMax, State Farm, Kia, Corona, AQUAhydrate. Red Bull, Sprint, Lumber Liquidators,  LoanMart, Yokohama Tires, Samsung, Mercedes-Benz, and Virgin America, you ain't shit.  Not a single one of you.

So don't get too excited about all of this.  All that happened is that they reminded you what their real priorities are.  No progress has been made.  Unless you're Donald Sterling's jump off.  She's about to come up when she gets that spot on Basketball Wives.

On Marcus Smart, Jeff Orr, and Acting An Ass At Basketball Games

If you taunt, berate, out belittle athletes in games, it says a lot about how you view them. To you, they're not people. They're chattel. Hired entertainment. Dancing monkeys. They don't become real until they come onto the stands. Like Mos Def said, "The hardheaded always gotta feel it to believe it." 

A thorough, well-earned, ass-whooping will end a lot of this. The average fan really doesn't wanna risk the possibility that security will get there before they eat that two-piece.  It's all fun and games until that ass is getting tenderized. I think we all understand that most fans are pussy, even in this shit-talking, rude, and insulting environment we call "America in 2014."  Everybody talks, but almost nobody really wants to back it up, which is part of the reason why gun sales are up.  The threat of backing up shit-talk without a gun would eliminate all but the most "bout that life" fans from getting disrespectful. The people who want to fight would just have to become the hazard of doing business, I guess.

Still, we can't have that. Letting players to go after pieces of shit in the stands is a horrible business plan, because unlicensed dentistry in a public place isn't really a selling point.  No matter how right the player may be (I still think that Dikembe should have been allowed to punch that dude for calling him a monkey), that kind of stuff has to be deterred. Otherwise, players will think that it's normal to run in the stands and people will stop coming to games.  This isn't wrestling, where the fight coming into the stands is a good thing.  Patting the participants on the back will just make you part of the fight.  And the first time a totally innocent fan gets hit by a player, that fan will suddenly own a piece of the team and start making all the stupid trades that you and your friends talk about during flag football.  So what's the solution, then?

There isn't one. I think we all understand that human beings are terrible creatures, most of which don't deserve the basic decency that they think they're entitled to. I work in a field where all I do is deal with entitled, shitty, people who think they're better than me because I have on work boots.  I see it all the time.  You're condescending, arrogant, and rude.  Just look at how you act when you go to a restaurant, or heaven forbid, Wal-Mart.  You don't deserve any kindness, especially after you answered your phone in the movie theater.  Dear People of America: Generally speaking, you're pieces of shit.  Okay, you might not set car bombs, kick puppies, or use the n-word, but those aren't the only things you can do to be considered a terrible person. 

So expecting the paying customer to improve his own behavior is a fool's errand.  The leagues still need to get something in place to deal with this, because it's gotten ridiculous. Basically, the leagues (Really, just the NBA and college basketball, because it's no coincidence that the leagues where the players have weapons also have barriers between players and fans) need to empower players to get fans ejected.

Tell the players that if someone is getting out of line, they can pull a ref to the side, point the person out, the ref will eject the fan, and security will throw him out on his ass.  It should be that simple. I doubt the players would lie on fans, because they've got out things going on, like the game happening around them.  They don't have time to pick out fans to eject so you can confirm your victimization bias.  Truth is, do you know how big of an asshole you have to be to get the attention of someone on the court, let alone make them try to come after you?  And while the players run the risk of identifying the wrong person, after throwing down $1,000 on courtside tickets, the fans standing around the right person will make sure that they stand out.  Watching everybody turn into snitches will be part of the fun of a program like this.

And to get an athlete in the middle of a game so upset that they want to put their hands on you is hard to do.  I know, because I've tried, and I assure you, it takes more than effort and a big mouth.  When I was in college, my friend Mike and I used to sit courtside at our team's basketball games and go in on people.  To us, it was all in fun, but we were assholes, plain and simple.  It got to the point where it was secondary to the game.  We just wanted to insult people.  We felt like we were creating the homecourt advantage that Jackson State desperately needed (because we weren't getting better players any time soon).  And to show how stupid our asses were, we yelled at the referees more than anyone else.  The same referees that could have put us out at any time, and here we are, making fun of their shoes and pants. To their credit, they never reacted, and I know they heard us. 

They should have put us out. I would have. If it had been me, i would have tried to get is banned from the building. What we did was uncalled for.  Fun at the time, because we were stupid 20 year olds, but uncalled for.

So I get why people do it when they're young.  I wouldn't do that now, because I'm mentally well-adjusted.  You're supposed to grow out of this kind of shit, but the people who seem to wind up in these incidents now are all 40 and 50 year old men.  I guess it's empowering to feel like you can yell at these people and they can't do shit, but how emasculated do you have to be in your personal life to think that insulting rich athletes is a healthy outlet?  Who told you your dick was small, Jeff Orr?

Because it isn't about the money that they paid for tickets that makes people feel empowered to act like that.  Hell, we got in free to our games and we were practically standing on the court.  I think that making it about the money paid just gives them an excuse.  No, they're just shitty people.  I bet they treat wait staff at restaurants the same way.  It has nothing to do with the tickets.  There are hundreds of other people in that same section who paid just as much who didn't incite a player to jeopardize his paycheck, scholarship, or legal freedom just for the chance to crack them across the jaw. 

Knowing that, I won't blame Marcus Smart for shoving that asshole, because I've been that asshole. Jeff Orr had that coming, and probably more, just like i did. We can't keep going through life thinking that, just because someone is doing something for us, be it entertaining us or working on our behalf, rich or poor, that we can just treat them with disrespect.  You might think you're above them in that instance, but a fist to the face will put you on the same level real quick.  

You should be ridiculed for caring about Dwyane Wade's outside kid

You people express shock at the dumbest shit. 

Dwyane Wade and Ludacris were revealed to have knocked up their side pieces in the same week.  Both are in relationships (but were on breaks at the time).  Dwyane Wade is an NBA player.  Ludacris is a rapper.  The only thing shocking here is that they didn't knock up the same woman.  I mean, we don't know that rapper and ballplayer sperm can't do that.  

If anything, it's your own fault for believing that a pro basketball player or a rapper would stay faithful to his wife.  And I don't say that because I think they're bad people.  I say it because they're constantly having random model/stripper ass thrown at them as they travel in luxury around the world.  The man who can resist that forever either has supreme will or is already gay.  The rest of us would have to have his wife standing next to him at all time, like Doug Christie did.  As freakish in the face as Doug Christie looked, the only reason why he got through his day without tripping into a pair of strange, spreadeagled thighs is because Jackie Christie was never more than 10 feet away at all times. 

True story.  Sat in on his interviews and everything. 

So, I don't see why what Wade and Cris did was anything outside of what you should expect from them.  If you want to call them out for anything, call them out for raw dogging their jump offs.  I mean, I assume they've both had enough jump offs to know better.  I also don't see why you're coming to Gabrielle Union's defense all of a sudden, because y'all know y'all hate Gabrielle Union. Gabrielle Union was this generation's Robin Givens until people stopped casting her in movies.  And the hate came solely from the fact that she was too good at her job of playing smart-mouthed shrews in every flick she'd been in.  It wasn't even based on real life.  So let's not act like you're doing this for her benefit.

And I'm sure, somewhere out there, someone's thinking about the kids, because Dwyane Wade and Ludacris (I guess) are supposed to be role models.  And if you're letting Ludacris's example raise your kids, then you're a worse parent than Siovaughn Wade.  Allegedly.  There might be an explanation for that day she sat on the corner wearing a sandwich board. 

But anyone who would look at Ludacris as a role model shouldn't be allowed to raise the kids that they're claiming to protect.  I mean, this is the same person who led off with "What's Your Fantasy," "Phat Rabbit," and "Ho," and followed up with "Area Codes," "Move Bitch," "Splash Waterfalls," and "P-Poppin."  These are probably the parents who post videos of their twerking children on YouTube.  The video would probably be set to a Ludacris song if he had any hits out right now.  As for Wade, true, he has a fatherly image that would be a good example for young boys. But so did Bill Cosby, when we were kids.  And look at how our generation turned out.  Our generation didn't follow his example.  Our generation didn't even eat the damn pudding pops. 

Also, I'm not throwing shade on Luda for those songs, because I own every last one of them.  Believe me, I ain't judging.  I'll be able to recite the words from "Ho" when I'm on my deathbed.  I'm just saying, if your kids ever knew the words to those songs, you're a horrible parent, that's all.

So what are we really talking about here?  Two men who ruined the concept of a "break" for black men everywhere, for starters (a ridiculous concept, anyway).  And a bunch of women who care more about two strangers' relationships than their own, evidently.  Also, I'm seeing that I have a far different concept of what is "shocking" than everyone else.  Magic Johnson was shocking (and scary).  Tiger Woods was shocking (and hilarious).  No one's been burnt or driven into a tree in either of these stories, which makes them quite boring.  I need to be scared or entertained, so I refuse to pay attention until we hear that one of the women is actually a man or something like that. 

It's so easy to root against Lebron James

I don't think it's any secret to anyone who knows me that I'm rooting against the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals. Been rooting against them the whole time, even though it's been a fool's errand for most of the playoffs. And they're not really a hateable team, like Patrick Ewing's Knicks (or Carmelo's, for that matter) or the Bad Boy Pistons. Those teams were filled with assholes, top to bottom. And yet, even though i like most of the players on this team, i just find them so easy to hate collectively.

Maybe it's the fanbase, or maybe it's the way they came together, but there's something about this team that makes them fun to hate. It's more than just the fact that they're the best team in the league. San Antonio has been the best team in the league frequently, and they've never brought out the hate like this team has.

Most people would point to the Decision as the catalyst, and they'd be right to a degree, because that was one of top dick moves of this young millennium. When they're doing a retrospective of this century in 87 years, the Decision will be listed among the detritus. Granted, so will any number of Kanye West moments, but Lebron can't be expected to top someone who spends every waking moment perfecting his asshole craft.

But that blew over, for the most part, after Lebron shit the bed in the Finals. The next year, people were pulling for him again. This year, people seem to be back to rooting against him, but not with the anger like two years ago. And that's the part that i can't seem to figure out.

Because it isn't Dwyane Wade. He's pretty much universally loved and respected, despite his ex-wife's best efforts to paint him as an abusive father, as well as his suspect fashion choices. It isn't Chris Bosh, because everyone was pretty indifferent to him until the internet turned him gay. It isn't even Ray Allen, mostly because he benefits from two people on his old team being giant peckers. Could be Norris Cole, though. I can't stand Norris Cole.

That leaves us with Lebron, because in the end, it always comes back to Lebron. Thing is, he's almost impossible to hate, and i know because i know my way around some hate. I really tried to hate Lebron, but once he won his championship, and i saw the joy on his face, i couldn't help but be happy for him. That's the joy that i see in him in so many other moments, like that time he tackled that guy who won all that money hitting that half court shot. When i saw that, my campaign of hate was done. I was so disappointed, because i used to pride myself of being able to hold a grudge, even to the point of deteriorating health.

But right on cue, ESPN was there to gin up hate for him again. The comparisons to Michael Jordan started up, and this time, they were for real. ESPN was going to make this shit stick.

Thanks to the Worldwide Leader, it became very easy to root against Lebron again. Because those of us who saw Michael Jordan aren't going to allow ESPN to put Lebron's one title, won in an era as soft as a memory foam pillow, up against Jordan, who was beat to shit by those hated Knicks and Pistons on the way to six titles. Undefeated in the Finals. No disappearing acts. Not even allowing a Finals series to reach a seventh game. Even if Lebron won seven titles, they would never be as respected as Jordan's because of how he won those titles. But ESPN is brainwashing a younger generation into thinking they would be, because younger generations don't know shit. We have to correct that, because if that's what ESPN wants, then ESPN is a threat to intelligent thought everywhere.

Lebron is an amazing talent and player, but when this dude gets to Finals, he looks like he doesn't know what he wants to do out there. Too often, he wants to try to get others involved, even when there's no play to be made. But just the week before, when it was just the Eastern Conference Finals, he was dropping 40 on a team that was flailing desperately in an attempt to stop him. All of his greatest moments seem to come in the conference finals.

He's so talented, but that talent makes him maddening to watch sometimes, because he's probably never going to be the player he could be. As great as he is, he could be so much greater. This man should be dominating everyone, all day, erry day. With his physical gifts, the question of who's better between him and Jordan shouldn't even be asked anymore. And depending who you think is better, it isn't.

So Lebron, despite his personality and his physical gifts, makes it easy to root against him. Because championship or not, no one wants to see a pretender get elevated to legendary status. And if Miami loses to San Antonio this week, he's going to be exactly that.

DeAndre Jordan's dunk was aiight. And that's it.

The other night, DeAndre Jordan brought down a lob pass on top of Brandon Knight, and Twitter went ape shit.  I didn't see it, because I was unconscious, like other old men who can no longer stay up past nine.  But the next morning, I read all of the tweets from the night before, with Bomani Jones most notably holding forth about about impressive the dunk was. 

So, I pulled it up.  I figured it had to be amazing, right?  Yea, verily; t'would be the nastiest dunk mine eyes had ever gazed upon and bards would sing it's praises for ages.  After all, the cats on Twitter spent all night photoshopping Brandon Knight laid out beside Manny Pacquiao, with Simba trying to wake them up.  Twitter had declared Knight dead.  I caught a picture of DeAndre Jordan grimacing at what he'd done.  Even he looked impressed.  I was so ready to watch this video.

And I swear, y'all are too easily impressed these days.

It was a nice little dunk, but it wasn't worth all of that.  Maybe my standards are too high, but a seven-footer dunking over at 6'2" point guard might as well have been Blake Griffin jumping over that car.  I had a short Twitter exchange with Myth (author of Shadow Precinct, available on Amazon), and he said about Knight, "You thought you was about to block that shit?"  And that's my point.  He was never going to block that shit, not without cheating.  Maybe if he pantsed Jordan or started making out with his girl in the stands or something like that.  But that's about it.  Otherwise, Jordan did what he was supposed to do, like how I used to jump over my cousins back before they were fully coordinated and I wasn't fat.  There was only one way that it could have gone down.  So what was so impressive about that?

I'mma need for DeAndre Jordan to go up over someone roughly his size, like Shaq over the majority of centers in the NBA in the 1990s.  Otherwise, it's just bullying.  And it's not Jordan's fault.  What was he supposed to do, finger roll it because Brandon Knight didn't drink enough milk as a child?  No, Jordan did what big men do; yam it over the faerie folk who shouldn't be in the paint to begin with.  But folks were trying to gas up his head like he did something and he didn't.  If that counts as an accomplishment, then so does that time I dominated all those 8th graders.  Stop crying, Charlie's little brother.  Shoving you after my crossover is part of the game. 

and even though it says more about Detroit's defense than anything else, Brandon Knight did what he was supposed to do:  He challenged the shot, even though no one would have blamed him for letting that one ride, because, c'mon; he's 6'2".  That's like being a preemie in NBA circles.  No, he couldn't stop it, but he tried to make Jordan work for it.  Anything could have happened.  He might have slapped the ball away, Jordan could have tripped over his corpse; anything.  But he tried, which is more than I can say for Andrew Bynum.  Bynum would have been thinking about race cars, then blown out his knee imagining himself getting out of the car. 

But let's not act like something routine is supposed to be a special moment.  It was aiight, like Lebron hurdling John Lucas III in a world where Vince Carter already jumped over Frederic Weis.  After all, John Lucas III is bite size.  What makes the impressive dunks impressive is that the outcome is in doubt, or in some cases, weren't supposed to happen at all.  Kevin Johnson over Hakeem Olajuwon.  Russell Westbrook over Omer Asik.  Michael Jordan over damn near everybody.  You mean to tell me that what DeAndre did is on the same level as something like Shawn Kemp over Antoine Carr?

Get the fuck outta here.

Lebron James is on steroids. MAYBE.

Looks like Lebron James is on steroids.  Maybe.  Well, he's being linked to them.  It was just a matter of time, because this NBA has escaped this drama for far too long.

This "suspicion" isn't because of some great leap in physical strength in Lebron.  We all know he's looked like a 40 year old man since the tenth grade.  So, let's not act like we can pinpoint an increase in head size like everyone did Barry Bonds.  He doesn't run any faster or jump any higher, either.  If you claim that this sort of stuff is proof against Lebron, you're basically spelling out your case for why you shouldn't be acknowledged. 

Basically, Lebron was named in an interview with some ex-con who interviewed a chick who worked for a guy who's under investigation.  She said that she dealt with some guy named "Mr. Phil," who picked up drugs for a guy named "LJ."  Since no one knows if Larry Johnson has any friends at all, let alone any named Phil, she and the interviewer just assumed it was Lebron James, because his agent's last name IS Phil.

Still, this report doesn't surprise me at all.  And it's not like I'm up on the ins and outs of steroids.  Truthfully, I don't even care.  The amount of money in my paycheck isn't going to change based on whether or not Lance Armstrong was loaded with bleach and horse piss when he was riding his bike.  I am not so self-centered to believe that my not voting for Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire for the Hall of Fame somehow upholds the honor of fucking baseball.  It's just something that happened to catch my attention, because of something I heard on a podcast. 

Victor Conte was on the Joe Rogan Experience in October, and I learned more about what that crap does in those three hours than at any other time in my life.  Victor Conte talked about what Lance Armstrong was likely taking and how he was getting away with it.  We all know about the stuff that increases strength, and why baseball players and track stars would use it.  Makes perfect sense.  I never knew about the drugs that increase endurance, because like I said, I didn't care.  I am not offended by the notion that professional athletes would cheat to win, because, of course they would.  They're the most competitive people in the world.  Michael Jordan cheated at goddamn checkers.  So I never looked deeper into it.

The second Victor Conte mentioned drugs that increase endurance, drugs that change how the body processes oxygen, and all of that, the first person I thought of was Lebron James.  Because that boy can run all day.

He isn't the first player to play whole games or do multiple things on the floor or play great offense and defense.  Kobe Bryant does that.  But Kobe Bryant has always paced himself.  And Kobe Bryant has looked tired.  Lebron James never seems to get tired.  Ever.  He barely even sweats some games.  Meanwhile, it's nothing new to see him be the first man down the floor on defense, get a steal, outrun everyone on the break, then get back first on defense again to block a shot.   He's everywhere.  And he does it every night.  In every quarter of the game.  I've been watching basketball since the 80s, and I can't remember seeing anything like it. 

It could be that he's just in great shape.  It could be that he's an athletic marvel.  Those things are possible, because he's been doing things that seem impossible since high school.  For instance, at 6'8" and 260 pounds, he's one of the fastest guys in the league.  Even with a basketball in hand.  You have to go back to young Jason Kidd to see comparable speed with the basketball.  But you never see speed like that in a guy that size.  So, maybe his endurance is just another thing that makes him a freak of nature.  I'm fully prepared to accept that. 

But if it turns out to be drugs, I won't be surprised.  I'll be more surprised that Maverick and them let their meal ticket get caught.

100 Points Is Hard, Not Impossible

The sports writers of America have been asking themselves a question that's dumb as hell this week:  Is it possible for anyone to ever score 100 points in a basketball game again?

The answer's obvious:  Of course it's possible.  And I know this because I understand what "impossible" means. 

Flying is impossible.  Running a 2 minute mile is impossible.  Catching a meteor is impossible.  If scoring 100 points in a basketball game was impossible, it wouldn't have happened the first time.  Kobe Bryant's the proof that it'll happen again.  Sure, he only scored 81 points in a game, right after scoring 60 points in three quarters just days before.  But who gives a shit about that, right? 

Thing is, Charles Barkley called Kobe's 81 "a perfect storm" right afterwards.  I know many of the great mistakes we make in life start with quoting Charles Barkley, but he was right.  And recreating that perfect storm happens more often than people think. 

See, while Wilt's 100 and Kobe's 81 (and 60 in three quarters) are impressive, let's put this in perspective a little bit.  Wilt was, and Kobe, is a supreme scoring machine.  At the time, each of them was at his peak, and was putting up career high numbers.  They were completely unstoppable.  Players like this don't come along every day, but they do pop up from time to time.  Michael Jordan was one.  LeBron James could be one.  Kevin Durant will likely be one.  And who knows who's coming up in the world 10 or 15 years from now. 

But while LeBron and Durant are talented enough, they're not selfish enough to pull something like that off.  To score 100, you gotta be willing to say "fuck you" to your teammates for the night.  That's what 100 (or 81) points is; a "fuck you" to team basketball.  It doesn't matter what you see in front of you, you're jacking this bitch up.  HARD.  A LOT.  Like the girl you've been after for years who finally says "yes."  She, like this guy's jumper, is gonna have to dry all the way up before they stop.

But the other thing you need is to play against a shitty team.  It's not like Wilt dropped that 100 in the playoffs.  He did it on a random night in March.  Against the Knicks.  And not the Knicks when they were good.  These Knicks went on to win 32 games that season, so it's not like he dropped 100 on a good team.  I don't think they even had a guy above 6'9".  And Kobe's 81?  That happened against the Toronto Raptors.  I can't even be bothered to look up their record, because they always suck.

The thing about shitty teams is that they're always plentiful, especially in this watered down league. Michael Jordan's Bobcats are 4-23 right now, and it seems like there's a team that's challenging for the futility record on a yearly basis.  Unless the league contracts (and it never will, because David Stern pisses on your concerns of quality basketball), there will always be a team bad enough to have DJ Augustin as their best player. 

That's the perfect storm right there.  A team so bad that they couldn't stop Matt Bonner from getting 40 on a given night, against a player so unstoppable that the best anyone else was going to do was stop him from getting 60. 

These sportswriters think it'll never happen, though.  They say that no professional will ever allow that to happen.  And I say that's crazy talk.  One, you can never rule out the incompetence of a general manager to saddle a coach with crap players.  For all you know, they're trying to pull a "Major League."  Second, Sam Mitchell, coach of the Raptors when Kobe caused his team to consider retirement, said that they tried everything.  He said they did everything that they could and it didn't matter.  It's not like they wanted Kobe to drop 81 on them.  He just did it.  And there was only so much that they could do, because defensive rules today are softer than a second-string field goal kicker.  I guess the sportswriters are banking on someone taking the scorer out with a steel chair during a timeout.

Be mad and stay mad, Cleveland. I understand.

No one has a problem with people being emotionally invested in sports. At least not when fans are buying jerseys or getting tattoos of the team logo or throwing down thousands a season to come watch a team that has no hope of making the playoffs. That kind of emotional investment is okay. But when it comes to being angry at a player for leaving town, suddenly, fans are expected to "get over it."

LeBron James came back to Cleveland last night and proceeded to bust the Cavs heads open. Now, in the minds of many sports commentators (and probably fans, too), it's time for Cleveland to pipe down and stop whining about losing LeBron. The anger should have been burned out now, because you screamed at him for three straight hours. But it's not always that simple. After all, Cleveland put their hearts into LeBron for seven straight years. By my calculations, Cleveland should be allowed to scream at him for the rest of his career and at least half of his retirement. Hell, "The Decision" just happened in July. We haven't even seen the worst of what Cleveland can do yet. Have you seen what they do to their own shit? THEIR LAKE LIGHTS ON FIRE.

Some people might think it's crazy to put that much into a person who will never even know your name, and it is. But that's how sports goes. We are so crazy about our teams that we'll tailgate in subzero temperatures. Being mad at LeBron is nothing compared to that. But that's an acceptable level of insanity. Truth is, the same level of insanity that it takes to throw yourself into a team that is only after your money is the same level of insanity that it takes to get upset with a person for leaving that team. You can't think one is okay and not the other. Yeah, it's crazy to cry because LeBron went to Miami, but it's also crazy to buy seat licenses.

I'm not knocking it, because that would make me a hypocrite. I spend money on tickets and merchandise, too. I refuse to miss watching or listening to the Falcons on Sundays, and fume like a madman if they lose to their rivals. I live or die on each basket that the Chicago Bulls make. I talk trash to people about how well "my team" is doing, like I have some kind of financial stake in my teams. Yeah, I'm just as crazy as the rest of us. But that's where people seem to think the line should be drawn. "Be happy when things are going well, but don't be upset when things go bad. After all, it's just a business."

But it isn't "just a business." Not to the fans. If it was, people wouldn't do the things that they do to follow these teams. People name their kids after sports-related trivia. People have lost friendships and estranged themselves from family over sports. People get arrested all the time because they were fighting over sports. I personally insulted everyone from the state of Louisiana last year. For God's sake, people treat fantasy football like it's a religion. It stopped being "just a business" for the fans a long time ago.

It's just that "the business" doesn't like to see the angry side of the fans. I don't understand why, because it's not like they can't sell it. Hell, anger in sports is the easiest thing to sell. Lakers/Celtics bordered on outright racism in the 1980s. People have hated Duke for no discernible reason for the last 30 years.

But when it gets to that point, suddenly, it's "too much." "The fans have taken this just a little bit too far." "Get over it, fans. It's just a game." Oh, NOW, it's just a game. When it was time to renew those season tickets, though, it's was "team spirit."

They encourage fans to "get involved" in the team. "Support your hometown heroes." They like for fans to get painted up and wear costumes, or wave towels, and all that stuff. It's good TV to see that guy with no shirt on in the dead of winter at a Patriots game. They like for fans to feel like they're part of the team. Even though that stuff is plenty stupid, too, it's all good, because everyone is happy.

Then, LeBron leaves town. And not just leave, but announces on ESPN in a primetime special that he's leaving, THEN shows up at a parade the next night in Miami. THEN acts like he can't understand why everyone's all mad. Basically, blowing off Cleveland in the douchiest way possible. Suddenly, Cleveland is just expected to understand.

Well, fuck all that. If Cleveland wants to be upset for the rest of LeBron's career (and they probably will), then they're entitled. They were told to hitch their fortunes to THAT GUY and promised BY HIM that he'd bring a title to Cleveland. And it wasn't like someone like Brad Daughtery or Gerald Wilkins said it. LeBron was someone who had the ability to actually back that up. He was "The Chosen One," because the tattoo on his back said so. He gave them hope that for once, Cleveland would be known for something other than failure in sports and the Drew Carey Show (undoubtedly filmed in California). They got emotionally invested and LeBron (and the Cavs, to be fair) made a ton of money off of that emotional investment. So when the emotions turn sour, you can't just expect people just to shake that shit off, just because it's an inconvenience to YOU. And you certainly can't deride them because they're upset.

Well, you could, but you would also be hypocrite. Especially if you're from a soccer playing nation.

Situations like this are often compared to a breakup and we don't always expect people to just shake off a break up. We put all this time and effort and yes, emotion into these relationships and when they don't work, it fucking hurts and leads to sleepless night and drinking and that dull ache in your chest and OH GOD WHY WON'T SHE COME BACK TO ME???!!!

Sports really isn't all that different, except for the fact that maybe two or three times a year, you get to see that person and tell them exactly how you feel. You can't do that in real life, because you'd get arrested. So really, what happened in Cleveland last night was kind of cathartic for them. Even though the team lost, the city got to tell LeBron exactly what they thought to his face (more or less).

What we all have to understand is that this is the way it's gonna be in Cleveland, probably forever. We can't just tell them to suck it up because we're tired of hearing about it. We can't have it both ways. We can't praise passion on one hand, then shoot it down when it gets on your nerves. They'll stop when they stop. YOU get over it.

With sports, like relationships, it's either all or nothing. And it's not like berating them for being mad is gonna make them stop. If you think that's gonna work, then you might be just as insane as they are.

Atlanta Hawks: When is Mike Woodson getting his extension?

Are ya'll ever gonna pay this man, or are you waiting for him to start turning magic tricks?

I really can't understand what more Mike Woodson needs to do to get some support (the financial kind) from the Atlanta Hawks. In between Billy Knight trying to throw him under the bus to save his job and Rick Sund signing him to two-year deal (that's his way of saying, "we're giving you just long enough to get yourself fired,"), Mike Woodson has taken this team from a joke of a team to the second round of the playoffs. In 2009, they're one of the top teams in the league (record-wise).

And he did it in four years and some change. The team's record got better every season. They pushed the eventual-champion Boston Celtics to seven games. They got out of the first-round for the first time since 1999. I'm thinking he must not be kissing the right amount of ass for them to favor him, even though successful organizations typically just want their head coach to win basketball games. And keep from getting choked by his players.

All he's ever done is his job, without complaining about Josh Smith's bad shot selection or how Billy Knight waited until he was about to get fired to bring in a real point guard. No, we can't have that. Who care that the Hawks are improving? They must want a master showman, full of witty soundbites, like Phil Jackson. Well, too bad, Atlanta Hawks. Every coach can't be Phil Jackson. If you wanted him, you should have tried to hire him. I'm sure he would have stopped laughing at you eventually, but it can't hurt to try.

Instead of complaining about what he isn't, why not look at the facts?

1. He got this team to commit to playing defense. You know, because Woodson understood that if your team can't score, maybe you should see about keeping the other team from scoring, too. So he gave this team an identity: Defense and rebounding.

Sure, some people thought, "Yeah, let's let these high school kids with no real point guard or actual scoring threat just run and gun. It's the best way for them to learn," but those people have no business coaching a team, like Mark Bradley. Sure, they'll be entertaining, but they'll lose. A LOT. Most recently, "the Sonics" won about 13 games using that strategy, and they had Kevin Durant. The Hawks had Antoine Walker and Al Harrington at the time, and they couldn't win using that strategy BEFORE Woodson got there.

2. He turned Josh Smith into a productive player. When Josh Smith came out of high school, he was just a tall guy who could jump really high. He couldn't shoot, he couldn't dribble, and he didn't play defense. He only got drafted because Billy Knight was forever enthralled by Bilas Buzzwords, like "potential," "wingspan," and "athleticism."

And look at Josh Smith today. Averaging about 20 and 9, consistently leading the league in blocks, and one of the team's anchors. Sure, some of that was going to happen anyway, but Josh Smith does some dumb stuff out there sometimes, like throwing up three-pointers that he can't make. Like trying to make passes on the break. And even though he is one of the stars of the team, Woodson has been willing to go to the mat with Josh Smith, which is almost unheard of in the NBA today.

Take on one of your stars? Are you kidding me? I don't care how many bad shots Mo Williams takes, I bet Mike Brown isn't gonna call him out. Josh Smith needed that. He needed someone to say, "Hey, you suck as a three-point shooter. How about you stand closer to the paint. You know, a place where you have the advantage?" And since he never played for Bobby Knight, Mike Woodson had to be that guy.

Yeah, he still takes bad shots, but he's cutting back. I watched a game last week where I didn't see him take a single ill-fated three pointer. Now, that's progress.

3. He thrived as a coach despite being saddled with Billy Knight. That alone should get him an award of some kind. Nobel should start handing out a sports award, because the stars were lined up for yet another first-time head coach to get fired at the start of his third season. Just look at the situation: A poorly run franchise hires a first-time head coach and sticks him with a roster of high school players. That exact same situation has killed tons of coaches, many of them right here in Atlanta. Terry Stotts never did really catch on, did he?

4. He turned the team into something that doesn't embarrass the city. Or was I mistaken when I saw that sold out Philips Arena during the playoffs the last two seasons? It wasn't like so many nights when the Lakers would come to town to play at Staples East. No, these people were actually cheering for the Hawks.

What more could you possibly want? Angels singing his names from the heavens? That won't happen; he's not Tony Dungy. Maybe they're so blinded by the success of years' past that they can't see the good thing sitting in their laps. That happens sometimes when you have such a storied history. Other than the Clippers, how many teams can say that they have THAT MANY consecutive losing seasons?

I get that Rick Sund is kinda new around here, and that General Managers usually like to have their own people in place, but they shouldn't ever listen to Mark Bradley or Jeff Schultz. They've got a really good coach in a league where so many teams fall apart because they don't have one. Not to keep harping on them, but look at the Clippers. Even when they're good, they're a disaster waiting to happen, and Mike Dunleavy doesn't exactly strike me as the captain to lead them through the storm. The only reason why he hasn't been fired is because Donald Sterling doesn't want to have to hire another coach while he's still paying this one.

Now, if the Hawks don't want to pay the man, I'm sure someone will gladly take him off their hands and Atlanta can get back to the days where sadsack coaches could always find a place to hang their hats. But Atlanta deserves better than that, and for the first time since the mid 90s, right before Pete Babcock destroyed it all, it actually has it.

Just give Mike Woodson his extension. No one can say the man hasn't earned it.

Don't ruin the dunk contest, LeBron

The word is that LeBron James is going to enter this year's dunk contest. Well, allow me to be the first to ask LeBron to sit his ass in the stands.

See, everyone automatically assumes that LeBron is gonna light it up. That we're going to see the second coming of Vince "Dr. J" Jordan. Legendary performances, fireworks, backflips and shit. And I just don't see it happening. Now, if it was some other player, it probably wouldn't matter. But it's LEBRON JAMES. The most famous athlete in the world today. That's only gonna raise expectations that I'm not sure LeBron can fulfill unless he can dunk while still sitting his throne.

Physically speaking, yeah, he's capable of doing probably every dunk you can think up. But he hasn't really demonstrated that ability in games.

Look, there are dunkers and then, there are guys who can dunk. Larry Bird could dunk, but he was too busy dominating the Three-Point Shootout. Tim Duncan can dunk. Hell, it's in his name.

But dunkers think about dunking from the time they cross the half-court line. They are always trying to put themselves in position to dunk. And if someone's in front of them, they're trying to go over the hapless soul who thought that blocking this shot was a good idea. A dunker is the kind of person who wants the defender to be in his highlight reel. Vince Carter was a dunker. Kobe Bryant was a dunker. These are the kinda guys who give you a taste of what you'll see All-Star Weekend...by cramming the ball down someone's throat.

LeBron James just isn't that guy. Most times, if he's going towards the basket, he's likely to avoid contact in the air and lay the ball in. He rarely, if ever, dunks on anyone. And his dunks are all generally the same.

Now, there's nothing wrong with that, because let's face it: Dunk contests don't get you into the Hall of Fame. Dunk contests don't even get you respect. If that were the case, there would be a statue of Harold Miner somewhere. And it's not like there's a process to get in. Doug Christie has been in the dunk contest. Jamie Watson has been in the dunk contest. They're not exactly critical about this sort of thing. And when it comes to things that matter, like titles, LeBron James is likely to get his share. In the end, this really isn't a big deal.

But if you're going to be in the dunk contest, you should be showing us glimpses all along. J.R. Rider told us on Draft Night that he would win the contest, then dunked on Hakeem Olajuwon at the start of the following season. They resurrected the contest for Vince Carter, because his highlight reel was that spectacular. Guys like Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkins, Clyde Drexler, and Shawn Kemp did their dunk contest dunks in games. In the lane. Going baseline. On fast breaks.

But none of that is to say that LeBron CAN'T do something spectacular. I don't think anyone saw Dwight Howard's performance in 2008 coming. All of that creativity was hiding in there. Who knew? I certainly didn't. I was thinking we were gonna have a Larry Nance sighting. But he showed his ass. LeBron might have some creativity hiding in there that he just hasn't shown us.

But why put yourself through all that, LeBron? After all, the dunk contest has historically been used to establish players. Michael did it for three of his first four years, back when dunk contests still meant something. I believe the only reason he did it in 1988 was because it was in Chicago. Kobe and Vince both got in once, then didn't even bother defending their titles. The last Hall of Famer to even participate was Dominique Wilkins when he won in 1990. Since then, the only potential Hall of Famers to participate since were Kobe Bryant (1997), Ray Allen (1997), Vince Carter (2000), and possibly Dwight Howard (2007-2009). Most of the guys who show up these days aren't even the leading scorers on their teams. I don't even think Gerald Green (2007, 2008) was a starter.

You don't need the stress, LeBron. You're already established. If you were going to do it, your rookie year would have been the time. You and Dwyane Wade could have brought the house down instead of Fred Jones (2004). Is he even in the league anymore? Who he play for?

Just watch it like the rest of us instead of artificially inflating the importance by BEING LEBRON JAMES. Especially when there's a good chance you can't live up to the hype.

The Gospel According to Thad Ochocinco: Mostly NBA Edition

Sometimes, I have thoughts on things that I can't or don't want to stretch into a full length blog post. So because I don't have Twitter, those thoughts will wind up here.

What do I think about...

...Byron Scott's firing? "I'd be lying if I said I was on top of what's going on with the New Orleans Hornets, but I guess it can't hurt to fire your coach instead of getting a reliable shooting guard and frontcourt help for your team. Anything's possible."

...LeBron's promise not to talk about free-agency? "I understand that you're used to people doing whatever you say, but reporters are a different breed. They have no problem with making you angry OR being ignored."

...Stephen Jackson? "You're not portrayed as a "bad guy," you ARE one. Like the media needed to work at ruining your image. It's pretty easy to figure out when someone's sabotaging their own team. So congrats on speeding the trade process along, Stack Jack. I bet teams are lining up to get you on their team."

...Antoine Walker's gambling debts? "I guess $110 million dollars just doesn't go as far as it used to."

...LeBron and D-Wade playing together? "Whoever signs them should be able to afford as many as two other players to fill out the roster, before resorting to D-League players for the entire season."

....The NFL's $20,000 fine of Chad Ochocinco? "He got fined $20,000 for holding a dollar that wasn't even his. The NFL is about as humorless as Michael Wilbon. That shit was funny."

...Ron Artest's chances of flipping out this season? "If it does happen, look for it to happen against the Denver Nuggets. Two teams that don't like each other, one of which is really physical and they have Kenyon Martin? It's like God wants to see a repeat of what happened in Detroit."

...Shaq playing for the Cavaliers? "I said in June that it wasn't smart to saddle a team that's DYING to run with another big, slow center. That was before the trade even happened. I also said that bringing back Ricky Davis would have been smarter, before comparing them to an guy dating a girl out of his league. I stand by my words."

...the Yankees winning the World Series? "At least for one year, that joke about the eight year old kid in New York who's never seen a Yankees' championship will stop."

...the Denver Nuggets? "I just think it's funny how everyone completely wrote them off as title contenders this season, even though they gave the Lakers their toughest test in last year's playoffs."

...a possible Saints/Vikings NFC Championship game? "The Saints better hope that Adrian Peterson dies before kick-off, because the gash he's gonna run through their defense will leave porn stars in awe."

...UFC 106? "I thought Brock Lesnar had mono. Shouldn't they have stopped promoting that fight weeks ago?"

...the NBA's rule that players on the bench must stay seated? "Everyone knows that the people who sit courtside are there for the photo op. Like I'm supposed to believe that "Random Starlet No. 34" cares about seeing the game."

...the start of the NBA season? "We're nine games in and I've already seen three of the nastiest dunks I've ever seen in my life."

...the Patriots loss to the Colts? "I'm pretty sure ESPN is lobbying Congress to make all criticism of Bill Belichick illegal."

...the Atlanta Falcons? "They're like the Elixir of Life for dead offenses. Your team having problems with their timing? The Falcons will fix it...the experience of live game speed, without the size of fully grown defensive backs."

...the Oklahoma City Thunder? "Who? I don't recognize that name or city. You better call them by their real name."

...the Chiefs win over the Raiders? "Beating the Raiders shouldn't even count as a full win. They should only get like, half a win for that. It's like beating someone at 'Madden,' but they're not actually holding the controller, because you locked them outside and they can only scream the controls through the glass."

...only if Bill Russell's number gets retired, too.

Why the fuck should the ENTIRE NBA retire Michael Jordan's number?

Look, I like Michael Jordan probably a little bit more than most. I've spent more money on his merchandise than anything else I've shown an interest in. I saw "Space Jam." If I wasn't so damned lazy, I would have been arrested more than once for stalking, and if he decided to go gay and wanted a piece of me, I probably wouldn't turn him down. Yes, he can have my anal virginity just because he's the GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYER I'VE EVER SEEN.

And even I think NBA shouldn't retire his number.

Michael Jordan's not some revolutionary, transformative figure. Not for anything that matters, anyway. Yeah, if you work in marketing, he and David Falk probably wrote the book on sports marketing in the modern age. Yeah, if you work at Nike, you owe MJ and MJ alone for continued employment. David Stern, shoe collectors, and let's not forget how we owe baggy shorts and bald heads to Michael Jordan.

But this is a guy who wouldn't even comment on rush hour traffic in Chicago because it was too controversial for his image. The man jumped really high and threw a ball in a hoop real good. He didn't change the fucking world. Other than his dad being murdered and having to deal with Juanita's lawyer, he's never had hardships during his career. He's never rescued anyone from a bear or caught a plane on his back. There are no stories about him getting spit on by racists on his way to the games. And unless I'm forgetting the time he gained acceptance for Earth Creatures in the Congress of Space Monsters, he wasn't breaking any barriers. He didn't open up any lunch counters or blaze any social trails. It's not his fault that he played in the 1980s, but he's not exactly Jackie Robinson.

In my mind, for Jordan to get his number retired everywhere, he needed to do something revolutionary besides driving the price up on sneakers. His number's already retired in two cities, one of which he didn't even play for. I'd probably support baseball retiring Fernando Valenzuela's number before I'd support this. A statement like THAT says that HISTORY is not going to allow you to forget this person. "He might not have been the greatest, but he's still a big deal." Jordan is never going to be forgotten, because the NBA's marketing machine won't allow it. And it's not because he's a great guy, it's because he fed his nuts to Patrick Ewing in the playoffs each year.

Besides, who's to say that Russell's 6 (THE FIRST BLACK COACH) or Wilt's 13 isn't worthy of leaguewide retirement? What about Magic's 32 or Bird's 33 (two numbers worn by about 40% of the league)? The NBA might not have been there for Jordan if not for Magic and Bird. Maybe if Jordan had died while he was at the peak of his powers. MAYBE.

LeBron beating the drum on this, because everyone thinks of Michael Jordan when they see 23 (except for the fact that LeBron himself has already worn it for seven years) is decent of him, but of course, that's a new jersey everyone has to go buy. Pretty shrewd idea, and he comes off smelling like a rose because he's giving props to Jordan. Kobe just looked like he wanted to get over on people.

Still, I don't see it happening. If it does, that's cool, too. I don't want anyone to think I'm upset about the prospect. I just think it's a bit much. I thought the NBA was done nuzzling his balls after his Hall of Fame acceptance speech.

Did Hip-Hop Ruin the NBA?

"Did hip-hop ruin the NBA?"

Well, it's a valid question in the same way that "How many dildos does it take to rupture the anal wall?" is a valid question. Sure, it has a question mark on the end, but it was an in-depth mystery only those with low IQs needed to know the answer to. After all, you're never going to need to know how sturdy your anal wall is...unless you're stupid enough to try to jam multiple objects in there.

That's kind of how I view the theory that hip-hop somehow damaged the NBA: It's pretty stupid to assume that a genre of music destroyed a form of sport. It makes about as much sense as saying that breakfast cereal caused the South to lose the Civil War. The blockade, manufacturing base, and general ass-kickery of the Union had nothing to do with it. It had to be Cap'n Crunch's fault.

Still, some people insist that hip-hop had some kind of effect on the NBA. After all, when you go back and watch recordings of 80's basketball games, there were almost no tattoos, no one wore baggy clothes in any setting, and guns weren't as prevalent among pro athletes. Also, players could beat on each other all day and still not fight each other. Nowadays, all it takes is one hard foul to touch off a riot. It's all hip-hop's fault.

But down here on Earth (actually maybe not Earth; the stupid outnumber the intelligent down here. "In reality?" We'll try that.), we realize that part of the problem is cultural change, unless evolving fashion trends is proof of the downfall of society. "The Greeks knew that the end was near when people started wearing shorter and shorter togas." No, sometimes things just get popular, like tattoos and baggy clothes.

No one ever considers, though, that the world has changed since the 1980's. People have changed. They're not like they used to be, because they're quicker to rob, shoot, and kill folks these days. I'd blame Reaganomics before I'd blame hip-hop, but that's too well thought-out, and as Americans, we've always gotta jump on the bullshit answer. So yeah, let's blame hip-hop. Because tattoos, baggy shorts, and senseless violence didn't exist before rap music.

Personally, I always thought that Michael Jordan was to blame for baggy shorts, just like he was to blame for bald heads, and $160 sneakers being part of a viable business model. As for tattoos, I blame pirates.

And that whole "nigga" mentality that seems to have infected the league, well...that's just a lack of strong male guidance. Hip-hop is a reflection of the changing world, not the cause of it. I personally grew up listening to hip-hop and I've never shot anyone that wasn't a zombie or Nazi inside the television. I don't call women "bitches," and I don't have numerous "baby mamas" to be rotated throughout the week. If it made sense for me to be like my musical influences, then why do country music fans buy cars when there are perfectly good horses out there? They wouldn't even have to put the whiskey away before mounting up.

If that line of thinking made sense, we'd have drive-bys at the stadiums, Ron Artest would have been busted for selling coke at his house, and someone would have tried to play through a game with gold fronts. It's really not as bad as people think. Yeah, the tattoos are a bit much, but that's what happens when a trend takes hold: People wear it the fuck out.

Even the NBA has overreacted, by trying to remove all of the physicality from the game, because a fight broke out between two teams that HATED each other. In the 80's, there were times when fights would happen during the game and people wouldn't even get ejected. Now, players can get ejected if the foul just looks like it could have hurt, and they can't leave the bench without signed permission slips.

True, players now react differently to physical play, but wouldn't you if you were used to playing in a non-physical game? If football suddenly said, "quarterbacks can't be touched under any circumstances," and one got hit, don't you think he'd be ready to fight, too? Yeah, in LeBron's generation, they've probably got thinner skin, but the league's not even giving the players a chance to prove that they're not mindless thugs.

People just need to accept that things change. Players aren't gonna look the same as they did in the 80's, and thank God for that, because personal grooming has come such a long way since then, and our government is finally seeing the results of hormone treatments in our food. For better or for worse, the game has changed. The environment around the game has changed. If folks don't like the pace of the game or tendencies of the players; they don't play as hard or they're too flashy, then so be it. But don't blame music because you don't recognize the face of the game any more.

If anything, blame David Stern for some of those stupid rules.

Jim Traber's brain is why I hate sports-talk radio

See, this is why I hate listening to sports-talk radio.

There's no such thing as a reasonable discussion on a lot of shows, because you're too busy fighting off some meathead who won't shut the fuck up. It's like all that's required to be a sports radio host is not knowing how to engage in basic conversational techniques, like "not interrupting" or "using your inside voice."

Turns out a lot of people like for a host to just yell about nothing for four hours. That's why Chris Russo or Rush Limbaugh are so popular. Angry white people are chic in the post-Obama era, like leg warmers. Me, I can't deal with them or failed 80s fashion trends. And I feel especially sorry for the residents of Oklahoma City, who don't seem to have that many options outside of Jim Traber, the latest in a long line of stupid people who shut off their brains and scream into a mic about some imagined moral outrage.

This fucking guy got on the radio earlier in August and bitched about Sonics forward (I will not call them "the Thunder") Nick Collison liking Seattle, because as we all know, you're supposed to sell your fucking soul to the city where your team is based.

Then, Collison called into the show to defend himself because all he did was comment on the weather on his Twitter page. Traber basically told Collison that he should get down on his knees and suck off OKC for accepting the former Sonics, because no one was coming to the games in Seattle. I'm sure Collison was confused, because he doesn't speak Idiot. In Traber's language, "hot" is loosely translated as "Fuck Oklahoma City and all that it stands for in it's stupid gay cowboy ass."

I'm so glad this guy isn't on the air here in Atlanta. It makes me grateful that shows like "The Rude Awakening" are only "boring" and not "dumb as a fence post." See, what Traber doesn't seem to get is that Collison is a grown ass man and can like whatever city he wants, and if Traber doesn't like it, then fuck Traber. It's really just that simple. I pity the listeners who have to sit through Traber's rant on "Toothpaste that Collison likes," or "Collison's favorite Spongebob episodes."

The truth of the matter is, Clay Bennett bought the Seattle Supersonics with every intention of moving them to Oklahoma City, which makes him a liar. He never wanted to keep the team in Seattle, because if he did, they'd still be in Seattle. He went up there, went through the motions, and said, "Hey, look, they don't want to build us a new arena, so we're moving. I did everything I could. Look, I even set a deadline." Because if you set a deadline, everything that happens after that is the other guy's fault. You can claim, "They didn't want to meet the conditions." It doesn't matter that the conditions are one-sided or impossible. Like George W.'s deadline for Iraq to turn over it's weapons arsenal, despite the evidence stating that they never had one.

Fuck Clay Bennett. New arenas are not a requirement to compete in the NBA. If the Air Canada Centre (opened 1999) is supposed to be the vanguard that protects the Toronto Raptors from sucking, then it's failing in its stated mission.

Now, if Nick Collison didn't like that, he has every right not to, because in America, we're allowed to like or not like shit. I'm free to think that McDonald's hamburgers have the health benefits of a quart of motor oil or that I'm better than people who watch reality TV. I'm not going to get sent to the gulag for re-education, because it's a free country. But Collison didn't even badmouth OKC, even if it is some pissant, podunk cowtown (or so I've heard). All he said was that it was hot there, and it is unless the Weather Channel and his own perceptions are lying to us. But who lets facts stand in the way of a chance to spit on a microphone in feigned anger?

Collison DID say (in 2008) that he didn't want to leave Seattle and he still has a home there. Traber doesn't like that he feels that way, because in his mind, I guess a contract with the team should overtake pesky things like "ties to a particular location." But like I said before, fuck Traber. Who gets mad about shit like this?

Thing is, like Collison repeatedly said, liking Seattle has nothing to do with Oklahoma City, but who has time to listen to a rational argument? Traber's still got piss and vinegar to use up. The Sonics could have moved to Kansas City or Albequerque or El Paso, and Collison would have likely said the same thing, because it gets hot there, too, asshole. With an stupidity level that high, I'm willing to bet two inches off my dick that he watches Fox News.

If the criticism of your city that you just made up is bothering you that much, then maybe you should work on improving your city. It's not Seattle's or Nick Collison's fault that you think your city sucks. Much like your time spent in locker rooms around the world, it's clear that you have an inferiority complex.

I pity you, Oklahoma City, if this is the best you've got. This is the same guy who bashes ESPN's Bill Simmons for refusing to mention Oklahoma City's name (because he's not from OKC, he sees how shady that move was, too). Between this and Oklahoman sportswriter Jenni Carlson not knowing what the hell she's talking about, I could move out there and clean up. These fucking people are pissed at Nick Collison's geographic preferences, when they could be bitching about something that they actually have free reign to talk about: Those ugly jerseys that their stolen team is forced to wear.

Now that's something that should cause some outrage.

Some quick basketball hits....

Word on the street is that Cleveland and Phoenix are trying to work out a deal that would send Shaquille O'Neal to Cleveland in exchange for Ben Wallace's expiring deal and another player that is completely irrelevant. In other news, my psychic powers are predicting that Cleveland will won't be able to get through Boston or Orlando to get to the NBA Finals next year.

I was musing over how Cleveland was going to handle losing in this year's Eastern Conference Finals and the conclusion I came to was that they were going to completely overreact in an effort to convince LeBron that they were doing something. I had no idea that I was going to be this correct. Bringing back Ricky Davis would have been better.

Cleveland, you really don't need to do this. You're like the dude with the girl that's out of his league: You're taking her mother to the doctor, getting McDonald's for her little brother, spending your rent money on a pair of shoes from her favorite store. You're completely overcompensating and it's not necessary. How do I know this? Because you're Cleveland, a city that ranks below Baghdad when it comes to "desirable places to live." And the rest of Ohio is no great shakes.

Seeing as how he's from Akron and has never left the state for any longer than two months in his life, I don't think he's going anywhere. Just reel it back a little bit. Don't do this to yourself.

I know Shaquille O'Neal had a career resurgence of sorts this season. Still, you've got a team built around LeBron James that is dying to run and the one thing that's keeping them from running like horses all the time is Zydrunas Ilgauskas.

Now, I assume this move would be made to counter Dwight Howard, who Cleveland had nothing for in their matchup.

Consider this: Earlier this season, Dwight Howard outplayed the Big Cactus so badly that Shaq was forced to flop and then throw Stan Van Gundy under the bus for it. What, Shaq is the solution to your Superman problem? You're gonna counter Superman with a Superman?

Before you finalize that marketing plan, consider this, as well: Shaq couldn't keep up in Phoenix, and most of that team is about three degrees away from a nursing home. So, he'll basically just be slowing down another team. Because that's genius if I've ever seen it: Speeding up a team by adding another big, slow, center.

Marcin Gortat PWNS Reebok

What's gotta be a bigger kick in the teeth for Reebok: The fact that they were reduced to signing backup Orlando Magic center Marcin Gortat to a deal or the fact that he told them that he wasn't removing his "Air Jordan" tattoo from his leg?

First things first, what's the big deal with it? It's on his calf and, even though the bright red tattoo stands out on his pale white skin, it's doubtful than anyone is going to see it without the benefit of high-powered photography. Secondly, if this little incident prevents a single person on Earth from buying a pair of Reeboks in favor of a pair of Jordans, then Reebok should just go ahead and sell themselves to adidas.

Oh, they already did that in 2005? Wow, what a healthy brand Reebok is.

People aren't buying Jordans over Reeboks because of Marcin Gortat's calf tat, they're doing it because...well, I don't know, exactly. In my mind, there's nothing appealing about a line of shoes that starts at $129. You could by three pairs of Reeboks for that. The Reebok name has certainly seen better days.

And clearly, those days are way behind them, because if you don't have any leverage over Marcin Gortat, then you're in trouble. He's not even the biggest sports star in his own country, and Poland has about 600 people in it. Andrew Golota probably has a higher national profile there, and the only thing he's known for is punching other guys in the crotch.

Speaking of Orlando...

Hedo Turkoglu is opting out of his deal which is another way of saying that he's probably leaving. Not because he wants to, but more because General Manager Otis Smith completely failed Negotiating 101 when he signed Rashard Lewis. Mostly, the part that says "Don't pay someone what they want when no one else is really checking for them."

No, it wasn't the smartest thing to commit $118 million to a guy who isn't a franchise player. In Game 4 of the NBA Finals, Rashard Lewis only had six points, and he's getting paid $17 million in 2009. LeBron James doesn't make that much. Dwight Howard has already signed an extension for $85 million. Jameer Nelson's on for another $30 million. Hedo's making about $7 million, I believe, and it stands to reason that he's probably going to want $10 or $12 million next season.

It all comes down to whether or not the DeVos family is willing to pay the luxury tax and if so, for how long? They seem to be okay with it if they're winning, but at some point, they're probably going to get tired of overpaying Lewis. I'm tired of them overpaying him and I don't even like Orlando.

It's time to hop off the "Hate Kobe" bandwagon

Kobe Bryant is, at worst, the second-best player in the NBA. In thirteen seasons, he's won three NBA Championships (yes, they're HIS, too), an MVP award, two scoring titles, been an eleven-time All-Star, and owns all kinds of NBA records. He is universally recognized as the best closer in the game, and is three wins away from another NBA Championship (and first Finals MVP, if they win).

Yet, Kobe Bryant is probably the most hated player in the NBA, and has been for some time.

Since he's come into the league, he's been accused of being aloof, arrogant, vain, self-centered, out for dolo, and every other way that a player can be described as "selfish." People say he shoots too much or that he's not a good teammate; people throw in his face that he's not Michael Jordan. And they're right. Michael took way more shots than Kobe did.

I'm not saying he hasn't been a selfish player at times; he has been. I just don't think that's a reason to hate a player as much as Kobe is hated, because Kobe being selfish doesn't mean that his 81 points against Toronto wasn't amazing. But we all know that's not what this is about. After all, hating a player for being great is really stupid. Unfortunately for Kobe, he gave his detractors their reason for making their hatred legitimate.

He "snitched" on the beloved and untouchable Shaquille O'Neal. What a reprehensible act.

Now, I don't know what that has to with admitting that Kobe Bryant is a great player. I also don't know exactly when snitching became an unforgivable sin.

Was Kobe wrong for telling the police what he told them? Yeah, he was. At the same time, the man was being interrogated by the police over a rape charge, and this is a guy who (as far as I know) had never been in trouble with the police before. There's no telling what was going through his mind at the time. He was probably scared, because unlike so many of us, he actually had a lot to lose. You'll have to excuse him for not being a hardened criminal like the rest of Thug America. At 24 years old, he was too busy winning championships to get in shootouts with the police.

Personally, I don't hold that one against him. Shaq was understandably and rightfully upset with Kobe. Of course, Shaq also shouldn't have been cheating on his wife, but we can't expect superhuman behavior like that from our professional athletes. That's just silly.

But all of that happened in 2003 and Shaq has gotten past it. I don't know if he's actually forgiven Kobe, but they're on speaking terms again. Shaq has even expressed a desire to return to the Lakers when his Phoenix deal is up.

Yet, everyone else is still holding Kobe's youthful mistake against him. Remember, he was only 24 at the time. That was six years ago. You know how much dumb stuff people do in their early 20s? There's a long list of things on that list that are worse than what Kobe did. Now, how much of that do you want to keep having thrown in your face when you're 30?

How would you feel if your girl kept throwing in your face how you cheated on her in 2003? If it was me, she'd be talking to an empty room, because I would have left her in 2004. Who wants to be around someone who won't let go of the past?

There are so many of us preaching about forgiving our public figures; preaching about letting Michael Vick live his life now that he's out of jail, but not a day goes by that someone doesn't bring up that Kobe's "a snitch." Now, I could be crazy, but where I come from, financing and participating in a dogfighting operation is way worse than telling the police that Shaq uses hookers. We can forgive Michael Vick for committing an actual crime, but we can't let Kobe live this down? Is this real life or is this a Chris Rock stand-up special, because that's n-word logic at its finest.

The truth of the matter is that people didn't like Kobe since he left Lower Merion, and since they didn't have a valid reason not to like him (perceived arrogance is not a reason), they waited until something, anything presented itself and rode it into the ground. When it comes to Kobe Bryant, people act like middle school girls; treating Kobe like crap because both of you wore the same dress to the 'Enchantment Under the Sea" Dance. And here I was thinking that we were all grown-ups.

The only person he wronged was Shaq and the only person he needed to apologize to was Shaq. He must have done it, because we all know how touchy Shaq can be. If he hadn't apologized, Shaq probably would have released a single about it, with an accompanying dance by now. So unless people are somehow attuned to his soul and can still feel the unresolved hurt from Kobe's words, that should be the end of it.

I'm not defending any wrongs that Kobe has committed in his life, and that's not the point here. We all know he did wrong, but he didn't commit genocide or sodomize children; he wronged his teammate. Everybody makes mistakes, and in comparison to many of our own mistakes, his wasn't that bad. If you think you were worthy of forgiveness for yours, then you should probably let this one go. If you don't like Kobe, let it be for something that like might go in his Hall of Fame entry, like the time he crushed your team in the playoffs, Denver. Not because his rape trial was held in your state. A lot of things have changed since 2003.

And so has Kobe Bryant.

Overre-Shaq-ting

Everyone has that friend who can't take it when someone calls them out. Everyone has that friend who takes it too far after someone dared be critical of them, whether it's good-natured teasing or pointing out a mistake they've made. Usually, this friend gets abandoned at some point, because it's no fun having that person around. Or, one of his friends might pull him to the side and say, "Is your period over yet, sweetie?"

The problem with Shaquille O'Neal is, he's 7'1" and 350 lbs. If he ever had a friend who was that brave, that friend is probably no longer with us. But just because that friend was obliterated by Shaq's gargantuan rage doesn't change the fact that Shaq is as sensitive as most men right after your girlfriend brings on that "special feeling."

When Shaq starts overreacting like he did, it makes me forget that he's a grown-up, because he lalways crosses the line. He can't just do "verbal jousting," or even admit that he had it coming. No, his pride is wounded, so he responds to the criticism of his flop from Stan Van Gundy by essentially saying, "You contribute nothing to conversations and no one will miss you when you die." Couldn't he have just pointed out that he looks like Ron Jeremy like the rest of us do? Was all of that really necessary?

Good thing Stan didn't say anything about free throws. Shaq probably would have run him over with the team bus.

I heard what SVG said and to me, it all sounded like he was just ribbing Shaq, anyway. But you know what? SVG was 100% right, because everytime Vlade Divac would flop against Shaq, here goes Shaq complaining about floppers again. He can't be mad because people want to talk about it. After all, it's not every day that a 350-pound man goes flying like that outside of a wrestling ring. But instead of Shaq just taking it on the chin, he got personal.

And stupid, because I don't know what being a "frontrunner" has to do with anything. LeBron James' love of the Yankees and Cowboys when he's from Ohio is "frontrunning." I don't know what the hell Shaq was talking about. When people stop making sense, that means they're on the verge of a temper tantrum.

Then, he tried to say that what he did wasn't actually flopping, before getting up the next day to talk to Michael Wilbon for an hour about how it still wasn't flopping. "I was just trying to take a charge...and sell it a little bit, so the ref would be sure to call it." Shaq sold the thing so well, I thought he was back in WCW. But that's not flopping, right? It's "embellishing." Oh, I'm sorry. "Embell-Shaq-ing."

But because Shaq is so beloved (I actually do like Shaq) and can do no wrong, people have tried to make excuses for him by saying that SVG questioned his manhood, as if that justifies the things that he said in response. But let's just say that SVG did question Shaq's manhood, for the sake of argument. Didn't Shaq just do the same thing to Chris Bosh on Friday night, or did I miss the part where calling a man "RuPaul" turned into a compliment suggesting "masculinity?" And how can anyone forget the "Sacramento Queens" comment? Comparing Penny Hardaway to Fredo Corleone? "Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes?" Really, with that last one, maybe we need to question your manhood, Shaq.

And the questioning starts with this: Are you a grown-up, Shaq? Because grown-ups don't react that way to what's clearly a joke. Sometimes, you just have to take it, not fly off the handle like Tommy from "Goodfellas." Will it help if we just start calling him "Spider Van Gundy?" Emptying a clip into him for getting in a good shot on you? Wow, Tommy, you really showed him.

I hope Shaq doesn't get mad at me for writing this. I'd hate for him to respond by burning my house down.