Overre-Shaq-ting

Everyone has that friend who can't take it when someone calls them out. Everyone has that friend who takes it too far after someone dared be critical of them, whether it's good-natured teasing or pointing out a mistake they've made. Usually, this friend gets abandoned at some point, because it's no fun having that person around. Or, one of his friends might pull him to the side and say, "Is your period over yet, sweetie?"

The problem with Shaquille O'Neal is, he's 7'1" and 350 lbs. If he ever had a friend who was that brave, that friend is probably no longer with us. But just because that friend was obliterated by Shaq's gargantuan rage doesn't change the fact that Shaq is as sensitive as most men right after your girlfriend brings on that "special feeling."

When Shaq starts overreacting like he did, it makes me forget that he's a grown-up, because he lalways crosses the line. He can't just do "verbal jousting," or even admit that he had it coming. No, his pride is wounded, so he responds to the criticism of his flop from Stan Van Gundy by essentially saying, "You contribute nothing to conversations and no one will miss you when you die." Couldn't he have just pointed out that he looks like Ron Jeremy like the rest of us do? Was all of that really necessary?

Good thing Stan didn't say anything about free throws. Shaq probably would have run him over with the team bus.

I heard what SVG said and to me, it all sounded like he was just ribbing Shaq, anyway. But you know what? SVG was 100% right, because everytime Vlade Divac would flop against Shaq, here goes Shaq complaining about floppers again. He can't be mad because people want to talk about it. After all, it's not every day that a 350-pound man goes flying like that outside of a wrestling ring. But instead of Shaq just taking it on the chin, he got personal.

And stupid, because I don't know what being a "frontrunner" has to do with anything. LeBron James' love of the Yankees and Cowboys when he's from Ohio is "frontrunning." I don't know what the hell Shaq was talking about. When people stop making sense, that means they're on the verge of a temper tantrum.

Then, he tried to say that what he did wasn't actually flopping, before getting up the next day to talk to Michael Wilbon for an hour about how it still wasn't flopping. "I was just trying to take a charge...and sell it a little bit, so the ref would be sure to call it." Shaq sold the thing so well, I thought he was back in WCW. But that's not flopping, right? It's "embellishing." Oh, I'm sorry. "Embell-Shaq-ing."

But because Shaq is so beloved (I actually do like Shaq) and can do no wrong, people have tried to make excuses for him by saying that SVG questioned his manhood, as if that justifies the things that he said in response. But let's just say that SVG did question Shaq's manhood, for the sake of argument. Didn't Shaq just do the same thing to Chris Bosh on Friday night, or did I miss the part where calling a man "RuPaul" turned into a compliment suggesting "masculinity?" And how can anyone forget the "Sacramento Queens" comment? Comparing Penny Hardaway to Fredo Corleone? "Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes?" Really, with that last one, maybe we need to question your manhood, Shaq.

And the questioning starts with this: Are you a grown-up, Shaq? Because grown-ups don't react that way to what's clearly a joke. Sometimes, you just have to take it, not fly off the handle like Tommy from "Goodfellas." Will it help if we just start calling him "Spider Van Gundy?" Emptying a clip into him for getting in a good shot on you? Wow, Tommy, you really showed him.

I hope Shaq doesn't get mad at me for writing this. I'd hate for him to respond by burning my house down.