Dion Waiters doesn't have to stand for the National Anthem, and neither do you

I swear, y'all get so touchy about the wrong shit.

There's a story going around that Dion Waiters, shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavaliers, declared that he isn't standing for the National Anthem anymore, because of his religious beliefs.  He's a Muslim, and as we all know, Muslims hate America.  Well, we would all know that if we all did the right thing and watched Fox News.  

And as you'd expect, there's a whole lot of people mad at him, because reacting without knowing reasons is so commonplace in America that you'd think it was in the Constitution.  To let the folks I saw online tell it, we should all be offended that he hates America so much, and that he should go play in the Middle East if he loves Islam so much.  Only the most measured and reasonable responses go on the internet.  It's not like he'd stand for the National Anthem over there, either.

Now, as an old man, it isn't the first time I've seen this.  I remember when Chris Jackson, later known as Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, of the Denver Nuggets (and hated Gulfport High School), did the same thing back in 1996, for the same reasons.  He eventually decided to stand and pray, as a way to, um...what's the word that means "meeting in the middle?"  Compromise.  You'll have to excuse me for forgetting the word, but it never happens in our culture anymore, so I haven't needed to remember it. 

But in the meantime, people went crazy, just like they're on the verge of doing now.  Insults, death threats, the whole nine.  And over the stupidest of reasons:  Over a song written by a slave owner who ironically didn't want his own freedom restricted.  And for a song about freedom, people out here sure are hell-bent on Dion Waiters not keeping his.

After all, it isn't a crime not to stand for the National Anthem.  It's a nationalistic custom that became codified, but no one ever goes to jail for this, and people refuse to stand for the National Anthem all the time.  Hell, I've personally refused to stand for the National Anthem before.  And it's not like there aren't things happening in America that give people reasons to feel like America isn't with them.  Dion Waiters is black and a Muslim.  Buddy's got a list.  

But he probably isn't doing it for those reasons, anyway (although he'd be justified).  It isn't some political statement that he's making.  Muslims simply believe (according to the Google research I did right before sliding into an endless vortex of Salon articles. There's one that explains why we have pubic hair. Pubic hair.) that they're not supposed to humble themselves or stand in veneration for anyone except Allah.  There's a lot I don't agree with when it comes to Islam, but I have no problem with that.  After all, they're trying to stay good with their omnipotent and eternal Creator, and you want to give them grief about a custom built up around a song written 200 years ago that'll probably be forgotten in another hundred.  When it comes to historical importance (from their perspective), you might as well be mad at them for not wanting to do the Schmoney Dance. 

And if you're a Christian (and most of you are claiming to be, because atheists really don't care that much), you probably should back up off all this anger, because your religion says something similar, all up in the Bible.  Yeah, revering this flag and song is tantamount to idolatry.  I'm an unrepentant heathen, and even I know that your God doesn't like that.  Come on now, you know that dude is jealous and angry.  You think he's gonna be reasonable about your nationalism?  I guess you could throw Romans 13:1 at me (Google it, like I did), but again, there's no authority that says you have to stand for the flag.  Just advisory rules that suggest how you observe the custom.  

Really, none of this means anything at all, because while Dion Waiters didn't stand for the National Anthem in Utah on Wednesday (he was still in the locker room), he did stand for it Friday night in Denver.  Waiters says that the story isn't true at all (might not even be a Muslim), and what's more likely is that he was pouting about being pulled from the starting lineup in Utah.  Waiters has been talking shit about how he should start from the minute LeBron said he was coming back to Cleveland, so I'm sure he wasn't happy about coming off the bench.  But I felt like I should address it, because I know how Americans like to overreact about meaningless things.  

It's what I get for insisting on reading the comments.  Never read the comments.

Maybe Mark Jackson ISN'T a victim. MAYBE.

So Mark Jackson got fired from the Warriors yesterday, despite being the best coach they've had since the first time Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out.  Remember those days?  You could still buy a black and white TV.  Michael Jackson being white was a new thing. 

All the reports are saying that no one liked him and that's why he got fired.  Well, no one except the team.  You know, the most important people to impress.  Because there's plenty of coaches that got along great with the front office who would get outcoached at the YMCA youth league, which is why they now have a well paid job working the telestrator on ESPN.  ESPN is nature's way of removing shitty coaches from the business of winning basketball games. 

Logically speaking, though, that's probably the dumbest reason of all time to fire a coach.  The dude won 51 games, got the team into the playoffs the last two years, and has the support of the team.  You know, the guys who put asses in the seats.  He's making you money and he's winning games.  How fragile does your ego have to be to end all of that just because the coach doesn't like you, Joe Lacob?  I would say that coaches have been fired for less, but there will always be Jerry Jones and George Steinbrenner.  You have to sink to subhuman levels of pettiness to get where they are, but that's where Joe Lacob seems to be now.  Firing a coach for not getting along with the owner is like firing a coach who just won two Super Bowls for you, because the media didn't give you enough credit for putting the team together. 

Now, everyone's mad at the owner, because everyone loved Mark Jackson, and in basketball, that's important.  The media needs to like the coach, otherwise, they'll start a campaign to D'Antoni your team.  Of course the players have to like the coach.  The fans should like the coach, because they're buying tickets.  Who gives a fuck what the people working for the organization think?  No one's coming to see you.  And do you know how irrelevant the owner can be when it comes to public outreach?  Donald Sterling is a racist and has owned the Clippers for 33 years.  When he bought them, almost everyone I know was semen.  He's been a racist the whole time, and it hasn't stopped the Clippers from selling tickets. 

So as long Mark Jackson isn't messing up that cash, it really shouldn't matter.  Then again, scuttlebutt around the Bay says there's more to it than that. 

Word from the SF Gate has it that Mark Jackson, who is a pastor (I honestly had no idea until a few hours ago), and team president Rick Welts, who is "a gay (that's a quote from Donald Sterling)," were at odds about Welts's openly gay lifestyle.

Well, that changes everything.  Because if that's true, then it changes from a story about a sensitive ass owner to a guy who was openly insulting his boss.  'Cuz Mark Jackson wasn't shy about weighing in about gay issues in the NBA, and he didn't seem like the most gay-friendly guy.  On a scale from "one" to "Tim Hardaway," I would hope he was closer to "one," but he doesn't exactly sound welcoming.  When Jason Collins came out, Mark Jackson said something about having "beliefs of what’s right and what’s wrong."  He also said he was going to pray for Collins's family.  And as a guy who hasn't been to church since the last time the Warriors were good, someone saying that they're going to pray for you means that they want something about you to change.  By some accounts, Jackson really wasn't feeling "the gays."

And if this is true, it's probably going to become a thing about how a "God-fearing Christian man" lost his job because of his religious beliefs, and I'm going to start insulting people for being hypocrites again.  If it is true, Mark Jackson lost his job because he wouldn't shut the fuck up.  You can't go around insulting your boss, even if you believe your religion entitles you to shit on everyone else's lifestyle (it doesn't).  That's what this is about.  Mark Jackson isn't a victim when you put it like that.  Mark Jackson isn't even a man of conviction.  Mark Jackson is stupid.  Just because you believe something doesn't mean it needs to be said all the time. 

Besides, can you really get that mad about some religious guy getting fired by his openly gay boss?  It's actually kind of ironic, considering all of the roadblocks people are throwing up at gay people in the name of "religious freedom."  I almost hope this story is true, just so I can laugh at the people who get mad. 

But if it isn't true, then I retract all of that and I'll meet everyone at the picket line to cape up for Mark Jackson.  I'll have my trash can ready for optimal window-throwing and everything.  Promise.  

Darrell Trigg for President: Please let this happen.

We've reached that time when all manner of fringe elements have started declaring for the Presidential race.  Most of the people won't make it the distance because they don't have the resources to get onto the ballot (which is why we need electoral reform), or because they started running two years in advance and ran out of money.  And then, there are those who could have all the money they wanted and won't make it because they are just a fucking lunatic.  That's the category that Darrell Trigg falls into.

Darrell Trigg is an Engineering Consultant from Virginia, and I suspect that the only reason why this information got into his biography is because he had to prove that he wasn't some sort of drifter who killed an old widow for her money.  Aside from those four sentences, the other three pages are about how much he loves God.  Nothing wrong with that.  I just find it startling that a person who wants to be President has almost nothing to say about his employment history.  I mean, if you spend 30 years working at Target and now you want to be President, I'd like to know that, because if nothing else, I expect you to have good customer service skills. 

But Darrell is one of those kinds of people who really wants to be a pastor, but got the words mixed up and said "President" instead.  And being an old man, I see how something like that could happen.  When you see Darrell's platform, it'll all make sense, because this is a man whose only difference from the Taliban is that girls will still be able to go to school.  FOR NOW.

He wants to impose all kinds of holy restrictions upon all of us, and maybe 30 or 40 of you out there will think this is cool, but for the other 300 million, it's going to be a problem.  Well, not really, because it's not like this guy has a shot at winning, but if he did, someone would have him assassinated long before the election.  I'm not kidding.  If this man had a realistic shot at being seen on television outside of public access, he would alienate so many people that the Democrats and Republicans would forget about each other and tear this guy to pieces.  And now that I've said it, I truly hope to see something like that happen.

Thanks to The Everlasting GOP Stoppers and Joe My God for bringing this guy to my attention.  His platform is below and in italics, and I'll be chiming in here and there. 

1. Separation of Church and State will be changed to the Union of Church and State. God will be asked to be an integral part of the government of the U.S.

• The national religion of The United States of America will be the Christian religion . Those belonging to other religions, such as Islam, will be free to live and worship here as now, with their own religion;  however, the Christian religion will be the one chosen to form the basic moral principles of our nation, to give it a strong moral foundation, and a right relationship with God.

See, right away, you'd think that he'd be cool with Republicans, because this is what they claim to want.  But don't you worry; this cozy relationship won't last long. 

2.  Public Schools – all schools supported by the U.S. Federal and State tax systems: 

• The Bible will be a standard required subject in all public schools and universities, for all grades , the same as English and Math.
• Each day of school will begin with prayer and the Pledge of Allegiance. 
• The salary and total compensation package of school teachers will be increased.
• The total budget for our school system will be increased.
• The school day will include one period of physical education that includes 30 minutes of exercise four days per week.

There are actually some good ideas in here that aren't really ideas, but instead empty platitudes.  The people who would support increasing teacher salaries and school budgets have already checked out, though, because there's already too much religion in this.  I'd be surprised if they haven't already burst into flames.  Personally, I wish a motherfucker would tell me that my kid had to learn the Bible.  Hell, I'd make sure I was in college during his presidency just so I could tell him "fuck you" when he tried to make me learn it.  Digging myself further into debt would be totally worth it. 

3.  Homosexuality will not be recognized legally, or in any other manner, by the United States government or any state, city, or county government.
 
4. Public - Traded Corporations :

• The income and other compensation,  received by the managers and officers of public - traded corporations will be limited to $300,000 per year. 

...and now, the Republicans have turned on him.  It was all good just a bullet point ago.  Hating gays, forcing the Bible on folks, that was cool.  But you want to limit our--I mean, corporate pay?  I hope your affairs are in order, Mr. Trigg.  And it just goes downhill from here. 

5.  The income of coaches of sports teams at universities will be limited to $300,000 per year .

Yeah fucking right.  They'd let Jerry Sandusky go back to Penn State before this ever happened.
 
6.  The legal drinking age will be increased to 25 for any alcoholic beverage. 

• Alcohol will not be allowed on university campuses.

Because alcohol is allowed there now.  Please don't think your Bible is going to keep college students from getting fucked up.  Also, you just lost their vote, too.  They weren't even listening until you said this.

7.   Marriage and the family will be protected by the following :

• Marriage will be defined as the union of one woman with one man.
• The legal age for marriage will be 22.
• A couple wishing to get married must first attend Christian marriage counseling classes.
• Divorce will only be allowed in cases of abuse, infidelity, or incarceration. 
• The penalties for abuse and infidelity will include large fines and jail time.
• Married couples who become pregnant must attend Christian parenting classes.

Uh-huh.  You got it, chief.  Especially that divorce part.  That genie isn't going back in the bottle.  Or maybe I should say "toothpaste" so you don't feel the need to tell me that genies are agents of Satan. 

8.  The rating system for movies and T.V. shows will be drastically overhauled :

• No show or movie will be allowed on T.V. systems or computer systems accessible by homes that contain nudity, strong sexual content, excessive foul language, blasphemy, or any form of homosexuality.

This is the statement of a man who doesn't understand how technology works.  I'm tickled that he specified that this stuff wouldn't be "accessible by homes," though, because I read that to mean that this is what he'll be looking at inside the Oval Office. 

9.  Abortion will only be legal in situations where the child has a small probability of living and the pregnancy is placing the life of the mother in extreme risk.

He's actually to the left of much of the Republicans here.  Go figure.  YOU SOCIALIST SCUM.
 
10.  Industries in the United States ( U.S.)  that have suffered from foreign competition with much lower labor pay rates, lower employee compensation costs, and lower environmental compliance costs will be assisted and protected. Assistance will include financial help in building or refurbishing manufacturing plants and training employees and low capital gains taxes. Protection will include tariffs on imported goods in order to establish a market fair for these U.S. industries. These tariffs will be used to help prevent inflation on these manufactured goods.

This is him begging for lobbyist money, because American industries ARE their foreign competition.  Either that or he truly doesn't understand how outsourcing works.  I'm so cynical that I really believe it's the first one.

11.  The Welfare Department will be overhauled. This overhaul will include training welfare recipients for jobs that match their abilities. The financial responsibilities of caring for children of mothers who are not married will be shared by the father .

I wonder if he realizes how socialist he sounds, except that the 30 minute video he posted to announce his candidacy suggests that he isn't self-aware at all.</a>  The first part is actually a good idea that President Obama has been trying to get in place for a while now.  The second part, is pretty random and also what is supposed to be happening already--child support.  Perhaps you've heard of it.  

12. The insurance and medical system of the U.S. will be overhauled. Employers will be required to provide insurance for their employees. The costs of medical services and pharmaceuticals will be reviewed. These will be offered at a fair price without excessive profit for the providers.

If the corporations don't get you for limiting their pay, then Big Pharma certainly will.  Sir, don't say this stuff in public, because your life will be in danger. 

 
13. Illegal immigration laws will be enforced . Laws will be passed to assist this enforcement.
14. Several laws will be reviewed, including several statute -of-limitations.
15. Marijuana will not be legal  except for medicinal purposes.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.  Look, Trigg, I just don't want to see you waste your money here.  Just stop.  I know you said that God wants you to be President, but God has met us, even if you haven't.  He's clearly playing a practical joke on you, which I think he does from time to time.  All of these people out here claiming that God told you to do something, I think he just wants to see if you'll actually do it.  There's no way he really thinks you're going to become President until all 300 million of us die first.  And if that's what actually happens, you'll just be the leader of about 40 people until Mexico claims the empty husk that was America.  

Your good intentions aren't good enough

If someone wishes you good tidings or happy feelings, it really shouldn't matter what words they use. If it does, then you're a goddamn asshole.

This lady I had spoken with in Popeye's said to me before leaving, "Be blessed, beloved." She didn't know if I was a Christian or not (probably assumed I was, but whatever), but she took time out of her day to wish kindness upon me. I'm not a Christian, but I said back to her, "Same to you," because my mouth was full of food.

But if it hadn't been, I would have given that lady the business, because how dare she get her Jesusy words all over me? I get that she wanted to say something nice, but she should have said something that wouldn't offend my delicate, non-Christian sensibilities.

Hold up. I wouldn't have said anything like that, because I'm not a dick.

In this world we live in, though, people take offense at the stupidest things, and situations like this is one of them. Some people would actually be ready to throw down if someone gave them a Muslim greeting because they're not Muslim and they only accept kind words in their proper Christian form.

Who cares what package the sentiment comes in? They didn't have to say it at all. I really think some people would rather have a "fuck you, you fucking piece of shit," in English, than someone daring to speak kind words to them in Spanish or Arabic. That's how fucked up we've become.

And people are the worst around Christmastime, when stores break out the "Happy Holidays," and some asshole responds with a hostile, "Merry Christmas."  It's like they're going, "I'll teach you to give me some secular holiday greeting, you tool of Satan. MERRY CHRISTMAS. Why haven't you burst into flames yet?"

I gotta tell you, if that's the battle you wanna fight, where everyone has to greet you in a form befitting your religious beliefs, then you might as well give up now, motherfucker, because this country is becoming more diverse everyday.  Nobody has time to review your resume and tailor a personal greeting to you, based on what information turns up in your background check. All folks can do is say something based on what they know, and if that means you hear something that isn't what you already believe, then sack up and get on with your life. It's still a good intention, and that's gotta be worth something.

Shouldn't you worry about your own house first, Christians?

Note: This was written before a Muslim decided to shoot up a military base, but I still stand by it. Every Muslim you see isn't crazy and deranged. They don't all want to kill "non-believers."

There's no way in the world any Christian can claim that Islam is a religion of violence. Not while they're still a Christian, anyway.

Sure, if you interpret your God to be bloodthirsty, then yeah, you're gonna go around killing people in his name. But if you believe your God is a peaceful one, then you'll be a peaceful person. That's why every religious-based loon believes the scripture told him that he was doing the right thing.

The Klan uses the exact same Bible as everyone else to justify their hatred of other races. The job of the Christian Science Monitor is to back up the bigotry. So do the Skinheads. The Mormons. Fred Phelps. Even that little storefront minister in Arizona who wants the President to die. And that's without even bringing up historical atrocities, like the Crusades or American slavery.

It's laughable to be a Christian and accuse someone else's religion of being violent.

Yet, that's exactly what happens. Christians call Islam a violent religion all the time, in addition to calling it "false," as if that's going to hurt Islam's recruitment numbers. I don't know what makes a religion "legitimate," because it's not like there's a notary office for religions. If there was a some sort of verification process involved before priests could get their "faith license," then we wouldn't have half of the religions that we have. Like the Scientologists would have made it through.

And I assume that the people who call Islam "violent" don't actually know any Muslims. I do know a few Muslims and not one of them ever called me an "infidel." Not only that, they're 100% less explosive than the people seen on the news. They've never tried to take down a plane I've been on or driven any cars into markets. I don't even think they know the first thing about building a bomb. Like all sane people, they just wanna live their lives and be left the hell alone.

Islam isn't any more or less violent than Christianity is, but like Christianity, there are a group of dangerous and violent Muslims who are bound and determined to be a problem for everyone else. No different than the group of dangerous and violent Christians who kill in the name of God. If one is violent, then the other one is violent.

Christians will quote the Qur'an as proof of it's inherently violent ways, meanwhile ignoring the violent passages in their own book, the Bible. And really, without knowing the Bible inside and out, I can say with confidence that it's probably just as violent. The Old Testament alone is filled with stories of people getting killed by God and his followers. And I'm almost certain that at some point, followers are encouraged to kill non-believers. It's not a stretch, considering that everyone is to be stoned to death for almost every infraction. Christians spread their love through the power of rocks at high velocities.

People always invoke the example of Jesus when it suits them, as if the fact that he was a good man will outshine everything else. Let's be real: Jesus was a nice guy. The rest of the Bible is all messed up.

So Christians, let's not act like your book or your faith are sterling examples of peace that the rest of the world should follow, and you're certainly not in a position to call anyone else out. The Muslims I've met in MY life are all non-judgmental, peace-loving people, but I can't say the same thing about all the Christians I've ever met. Those same people who are always talking about loving God are quick to find a reason to kill someone else. Killing abortion doctors or politicians or Jews or Black people or whoever.

Does the Bible reference "hypocrisy," or better yet, "projection?" I'm just asking.

No offense, Catholics. Honest.

Why am I glad I'm not Catholic?

I could never be associated with a religion that's sensitive enough to waste time boycotting movies. I really don't think "Angels and Demons" is going to affect your bottom line. If anything, you're just giving it free promotion. I didn't even know "Dogma" was out until the Church got involved.

I'd prefer my religion to tackle issues that were of some importance, like world hunger or anything that's not boycotting movies. Plus, my personal religion doesn't look nearly as evil as Catholicism does. I'm not saying that Catholicism itself is evil (although I'm certainly capable of doing it), but any church that has demons posted up on its houses of worship or uses models of its savior dying on a cross as it's symbol of worship doesn't really say to me, "God is Love." It says something more along the lines of "You don't want none of what I'm worshipping, bitch."

Not only that, this is the same church that kicked out a girl, her mother, and a doctor for aborting the girl's pregnancy. Now, that's not news because the Catholic Church generally frowns on this. What makes this exceptional is that the girl was two things, none of which were "loose." What she was was "12" and "raped." Oh, and the rapist got to keep being Catholic, because he only violated a girl and stole her innocence. It's not like he aborted a baby or used condoms or anything like that.

It just really seems like The Vatican's decisions aren't grounded in the real world at all, and what's scarier is that people still look to them for guidance. People didn't keep looking to Bush for guidance after it became clear that he was going to drive America off a cliff. That would be stupid, because if someone keeps giving you bad advice, generally you point out their historic battles with speaking English or swallowing pretzels.

But they don't do that for the Catholic Church. They just keep right on agreeing with the Pope, never questioning him when he says, "God doesn't want you to use condoms. He wants you to trust that you just won't get AIDS."

I know, he's supposed to preach abstinence and that's good. But in 2009 (or even 1984), it's just not realistic to expect that people are going to stay abstinent just because the Pope said so. If it were that easy, then "Just Say No" and tersely worded, non-binding resolutions would work. Besides, when the Pope was a kid, he was too busy harassing Jews to worry about pre-marital sex. Yet, his wealth of experience in the world of teenage sex is the basis for his argument.

Besides, when you take a leap of faith, you usually don't do that by doing something stupid. A leap of faith is something like, trusting that your business plan is going to work, not placing your genitals into a pot of boiling water and expecting God to turn it into ice.

Now, while Catholics don't seem to have developed the part of the brain that tells the difference between what's smart and what's ridiculous, they do understand how capitalism works.

If you frequent a business that historically picks the wrong side, despite what common sense is telling them to do (like not denouncing slavery or the Holocaust, for instance), generally, you don't go to those places anymore. Back in the 90s, the state of Georgia stopped flying the rebel flag on government buildings just because the NCAA said they weren't going to bring the tournament and it's hundreds of millions of dollars in windfall while those flags were up. It's just that simple, because money trumps all sorts of personal beliefs about Black people being three-fifths of one white man.

Well, why can't Catholics do that? Why can't Catholics go, "You know, God gave us brains so we could think, but why doesn't Holy Mother Church ever use them? Why do they keep making us look stupid? And what's with this ash on my forehead?" If more Catholics actually questioned their Church or left it for one that contained less halfwits, the Catholic Church would probably make some changes.

The Vatican understands that to keep it going, they have to have people coming and donating to the building fund (or is that just Black churches?). It's a business. And they know that their customers aren't going anywhere. They've been guilting Catholics into showing up for generations and because of that, it's okay for them to say "We'd rather keep the rapist around than the abortionist." Now, if they were saying that to a room full of empty pews, it might occur to them that people want their religious leaders to understand that the year is 2009, no 1409.

God wants you to think. That's why he gave the ability to do so. If he wanted you to blindly follow, he would have made you a dog. Or an angel. And I know you've grown attached to having genitals.

A Teddy Bear Named Mohammed

A British teacher in the Sudan has been arrested for letting her class of 7-year-olds name a teddy bear "Mohammed." The sentence for this crime can be 40 lashes, a year in prison, or a fine. This comes on the heels of a Saudi woman who was sentenced to six months in jail for allowed herself to be gang raped. After all, how dare this woman carry her well-covered vagina into a car with a man who wasn't a relative?

Muslims....can you see at all why the rest of us don't want to live under your Islamic Sharia law?

If I can get 40 lashes for mistakenly calling an inanimate object "Mohammed," or jail time for not being able to make other people control their own sexual urges, then I'll just ride this "Capitalistic White Devil Society" thing out. What other laws do you guys have over there that the less insane parts of the world haven't even considered yet? Is peeing on the seat punishable by castration? Is the punishment for drinking out of the carton having your house burned down?

At least America has laws that I can understand, like how you're not supposed to shoot people or stop at red lights. For lazy people like myself who require laws that don't make studying religious texts a pre-requisite, the land of the Great White Satan is the place to be. I can even understand why the Japanese once (and sometimes still do) prefer death to dishonor. I mean, I'd never do it because whatever happened, I'm sure I'd get over it, but if they want to jam a sword in their stomachs, more power to them. But getting offended at me for accidentally showing the bottoms of my shoes is ridiculous.

Apparently, the first commandment for Muslims is "Thou shalt overreact to all things non-threatening."

Allah loves us so much that he'd send the Prophet Mohammed (peace be unto him, because I don't want him using his otherworldly powers to destroy me) to saddle us with a legal system that doesn't allow for anything enjoyable, reasonable, logical, or sensible. It's like the Bible times 1000. It was named "Sharia" to take the edge off of it, because "Sharia" sounds like it might have sunshine and flowers in it. The first name they used was "The Anti-Common Sense Laws of Bloody Destructor Pain."

The charge for the "Satan's Insidious Teddy Bear Plot of 2007" relates to "insulting religion and inciting hatred." They're so right about that, because nothing makes me want to put a brick through the nearest skull than a plush stuffed animal.

It can soothe a child after their current nightmares, right before inciting the riot that sets off their next round of nightmares. Yea verily, the teddy bear is a versatile creation.

Maybe I just don't understand, because I'm an unbeliever, a heathen, AND an infidel. Perhaps something is lost in the translation between those who believe in God so much that they'd imprison a recently raped woman and my evil, hate-filled, Hell-bound brain. I just can't imagine that a God who claims to love us all would want me punished for naming inanimate objects "Mohammed," but is okay with exploding lunatics killing people in his name.

I think I'm going to start naming some of my things "Mohammed" to see how quickly I get struck down or my apartment gets burned down by easily offended Muslims in their quest for justice. When I get home, the first thing I'm going to do is turn on the Mohammed and watch some Mohammed. Then I'll look in the Mohammed to see if I have any Mohammed to drink, right before I turn on my X-Mohammed and play some Mohammed games.

Should I die in the next 24 hours, you'll know that this experiment didn't go well.

If any Muslims out there happen to read the above paragraph, please let me know how offended you were on a scale of 1 to Mohammed. If the rating is anything greater than negative one trillion, then it is further proof to me that somewhere in the Qur'an is a passage that says that you're not allowed to know that I'm joking. Clearly, there isn't one in there that tells you when your leaders are being stupid.