2007 Summer Sports Scandal Wrap-Up

The soul-crushing grind that is the summer baseball season is almost at an end. School is in full swing, so stay-at-home parents are guaranteed a full eight hours of peace in their lives. The Fall TV Season has begun. The heat that melts Blockbuster videos and makes football players pass out has faded. The real sports are getting going and there’s a reason to watch SportsCenter once again. In my adult life, October has become one of my favorite times of the year to look forward to.

I don’t think people really understand how much I’ve grown to dislike the summertime, mainly because I associate it with baseball, the most boring sport I can think of without completely creating something in my head. To try to create a sport more boring than baseball would require a master at the art of boredom, sitting like a statue for hours on end to come up with a sport where two people finally settle the argument of who can sit like a statue for the longest.

The saddest part is, it would probably get a TV deal. Let’s face it, in a world where “The World Series of Poker” can get a deal and the “Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship” was not only televised, but attended by thousands of people, there’s no doubt in my mind that “World Statue Battlers: Super Edition DX” would become a huge hit.

These are the things I think of during the summer, because there’s nothing to entertain me, and the world isn’t ready for my imagination to start wandering. For my own sanity, the time between the NBA Finals and NFL Preseason needs to get a little bit shorter. The thing is, only two months separates the two, but it feels like six, and I believe it’s getting longer every year. Is Bud Selig artificially extending the season and not telling anyone? How do I know that the season isn’t really 250 games long?

I guess it’s only fitting that the most boring sport in America takes place during the most boring time of year. The only reason to watch ESPN at all is to see if there are any scandals that are popping off, and this year’s constant scandals saved ESPN’s ratings. If it wasn’t for Michael Vick’s indictment setting everything off, ESPN would have had to settle for it’s fake “Who’s Now?” tournament. If you ever notice, ESPN always saves crap like this for the summer, and why not? No one’s watching.

This summer, the sports world seemingly lost its collective minds, and I don’t mean in the “Orlando just signed Rashard Lewis for how much?” kind of way. I mean, full-on “No, he ripped off David Stern’s toupee and ate it,” kind of way. These people have gone bats*** crazy, as if millions of dollars, worldwide fame, and a complete separation from average people could really do that to a person. The year isn’t even close to being over yet, and already, every sport has been involved in a scandal of some sort. It’s not like anything like Kobe demanding a trade or something like that. It’s the kind of stuff that shakes the sport to its core.

Thank you, Sports World Degenerates. Thank you for saving me from “Who’s Now?” The last thing I needed was a creepy Skip Bayless fantasizing about some underage girl on a CW show or Jessica Biel talking about anything that didn’t include being naked. I wouldn’t have made it throughout the summer if not for you and the following embarrassments:

Tim Donaghy Defeats the Scourge of Obscurity.

Above and beyond anything else in sports is the Tim Donaghy gambling scandal. It was so big, it took a nothing nobody like Tim Donaghy and put his name on the lips of sports fans worldwide. Even in a world where NBA refs Dick Bavetta and Joey Crawford enjoy a certain level of celebrity, I don’t think I ever heard the name “Tim Donaghy” until it came out of the mouth of an FBI agent. He’s going the right way for a book deal, and that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

Why is it such a big deal? The bottom line is this, a professional sports league is only as credible as its referees. And when you have a referee that was not only gambling on games that he was officiating, but also had mob ties, your league has a problem. Now, he’s naming names of other referees who have gambled, not necessarily on games, but on dogs or in casinos. Pandora’s Box has been opened and the feds are about to slide into it, with no condom. I’ll let you think about that for a second.

Adam “Pacman” Jones in “How to Destroy Your Career.”

He’s had numerous run-ins with the cops. He throws money at strippers, asks for it back, and has the nerve to get upset when they refuse. He drives an orange Lamborghini around Nashville with the wrong tags and incomplete insurance information. He pisses off the football purists and media elite by becoming a wrestler during his suspension. And lastly, he became a rapper. Ladies and gentlemen: Adam “Pacman” Jones! And what’s next for the Pacman? Well, the Vegas odds should be on the following:

Porn (2 to 1). Would you be surprised? I mean, it can’t get much lower than wrestling and rapping within a week of each other. Keep an eye on the back room of your local video store for “Pacman’s Pooter Patrol,” “Pacman Nibbles My Pellet,” “Gridiron Grinding,” and “Pacman, You’re A F***ing Slut.”

Sean Salisbury’s Reaction: Head explodes, just like that guy at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Salisbury wishes he had enough talent to go down in flames like Pacman is doing. Salisbury gives it a rating of “three bulging neck veins out of four and a broken capillary in his eye.”

Professional Gambling (3 to 1). If he got involved in any gambling at all, it would be proof that all of this is a cry for help. With gambling being on center stage the way it is these days, I don’t think Pacman can help but get involved. He’s probably think it’s a good way to keep his name in the streets.

Sean Salisbury’s Reaction: Righteous indignation makes his eyes bleed every time someone brings up either Pacman or video games. Mean-spirited name-calling, claims to be embarrassed for Pacman, kicks John Clayton in the stomach in protest. Turns red in the face; veins in forehead and neck clearly visible.

Horse-Racing (7 to 1). No, not riding horses or even bankrolling a horse. I mean, going the Chad Johnson route and physically racing a horse. They’d go on tour to fairgrounds around the country and charge two bits a gander. People could bring their fastest horses out and put them up against Pacman. Every time he wins, he punches the horse in the face.

Sean Salisbury’s Reaction: His anger, being so pure that it could kill a man, would make him tear his shirt off and suffocate John Clayton in his gut before beating Clayton to death with his own arms.

The Dog-Stomping Adventures of Michael Vick.

Like sands through the hour glass, Michael Vick is going to be stuck in a contained space for a long time.

I held out hope that he’d find a way to get off, but every day, he gets closer and closer to the leg-shackles of destiny. His boys have allegedly sold him out, but I say “allegedly” in the same way that I say that R. Kelly “allegedly” had sex with a minor.

And while it’s stupid to sell out the one person in your circle of friends who has any money, it’s also stupid to be involved in dogfighting in the first place or to keep criminal friends around where they can fuck it up for everyone.

Now, the best that Michael Vick’s legal team can do is try to assure that he’ll be able to get back into the NFL after he gets out of jail. What a waste. And there were whispers that fellow Virginia Tech Hokie DeAngelo Hall could be involved as well. The plot thickens, mainly because it simply won’t end.

Barry “Satan” Bonds and the Home-Run Record.

True enough, this has been a scandal for quite sometime, but this is the year when the skies fell, dogs started humping cats, and volcanoes started spewing milkshake, all at once. Everything went wrong when Barry Bonds passed Hank Aaron on the all-time home run list. Why is it such a big deal? Because Barry Bonds “allegedly” used steroids in his career, much in the same way that Dick Cheney is “allegedly” the Devil: We don’t have any proof of our accusations, but instead there’s just a general sense of dread whenever he enters a room. And baseball purists don’t like cheaters in their hallowed “sport” unless they’re Mark McGwire or Babe Ruth.

Don’t Forget About Hockey! Please!

Oh, yeah. Hockey has a gambling scandal, too. But it’s hockey, so no one cared. It involved a general manager or something and I think Wayne Gretzky’s wife. Hockey would have been shaken to it’s core if the lockout and revocation of major network TV deals hadn’t already done it. Truly, this was only a story because the NBA now has a gambling scandal. I would have never remembered this if not for Tim Donaghy…and a passing reminder on SportsCenter.

Hockey: a sport so un-famous that the name of its most famous player triggers my spellchecker. If Michael Jordan’s name was Cheesemaker Leeruangsri it wouldn’t trigger the spell check. Now, that’s fame. Oh, Canada…why won’t you take this game back?

The War on PETA

Madeline Hatter, you done started something.

Madeline Hatter's a friend of mine who posted an article that she read about PETA that's got me all the way pissed off. I posted it in both of my blogs and someone else's blog. See, I used to think that PETA was just annoying. I mean, at heart, coming to the defense of animals is pretty admirable, and someone needed to do it. However, there is a line that PETA crossed long ago, pissed on, and are steadily moving light-years away from.

PETA has been in the news recently for picketing Michael Vick and anything that has to do with him. They picket the NFL offices and the Atlanta Falcons' training facilities for not suspending Vick without pay or cutting him outright. They called and bothered all the companies whose products Vick endorses. They came down to the courthouse for Vick's arraignment hearing and picketed. But Michael Vick hasn't been convicted of anything. When they started up, he hadn't even been indicted yet. Why are they hating?

Well, as it turns out, PETA is a bunch of hypocrites who kill animals on a far grander scale than any dog-fighting operation. In my last post, there's a link to a website, http://www.petakillsanimals.com/, that details pretty much everything you'd want to know about the REAL PETA. It talks about their links to organizations that the FBI has deemed "terrorist," it talks about how some of PETA's membership has advocated breaking the law to reach its goals, and it posts a statement from PETA's founder, Ingrid Newkirk, where she claims that even if animal research found a cure for AIDS, they still wouldn't support it.

Yeah, these are the lunatics we're dealing with here.

But, because the majority of us are actual, productive members of society (except me, because I've got the time to sit here and write this), we can't go out to everywhere that PETA is picketing and match them person for person, and dollar for dollar. Not without losing our jobs, anyway.

What we can do is this: At the PETA Kills Animals website, there is a link to sign an online petition to have PETA's tax exempt status revoked. I don't know if stuff like that actually works, and to be honest, I've never seen it work in the past. But it's something. Maybe the world will shock us and actually revoke their status. I don't know. But it's worth trying. Personally, I'm tired of people like this going out and throwing paint on people for wearing fur or burning down research labratories.

The link is at the bottom of this page.

Go to hell, PETA.

http://www.petakillsanimals.com/article_detail.cfm?article=154

PETA Kills Far More Animals Than Michael Vick

Upon reading this, my blood pressure shot up a few points. As if I needed another reason to hate the PETA people. They spend all their time pissing people off instead of going to work or championing a cause that someone capable of conscious thought would benefit from. If I know anyone personally who supports PETA or is a PETA member, you would do well to never let me find out about it, because we're going to argue and you're probably going to go home in tears. Probably right after I tell you that I drink the blood of puppies or that I like to tear the feathers off of endangered birds. Not that any of that's true, but really...I'd do anything to get under one of these assholes' skin.

Fuck you, PETA. And that's from the heart.

TM

PETA Kills Far More Animals than Michael Vick

(7/20/07)

Body Count For Animal “Rights” Group Reaches 14,479; Group Has Walk-In Freezer For Dead Puppies

WASHINGTON -- While People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protests the National Football League today over Michael Vick’s dog-fighting indictment, the animal “rights” group is ignoring its own sordid puppy-killing operation, the Center for Consumer Freedom said today. Public records released by the State of Virginia show that PETA itself has killed 14,479 dogs and cats since 1998, including 90 percent of the animals it took in for “adoption” in 2005. And PETA is presently more than 3 months overdue to report its 2007 numbers.

“It’s astonishing but true,” said Center for Consumer Freedom Director of Research David Martosko. “PETA itself kills helpless, adoptable animals by the thousands out of sheer inconvenience. Why anyone continues to take this bunch of hypocrites seriously is beyond me.”

Documents relating to PETA’s massive animal-killing program can be found on the Internet at www.PETAkillsAnimals.com. In sworn testimony during the January 2007 animal-cruelty trial of two PETA employees, a PETA manager acknowledged that the organization has a walk-in freezer for the purpose of storing dead pets. She also acknowledged that PETA contracts with a Norfolk-area crematory service to dispose of the dead bodies, which measure over a ton each month.

Martosko continued: “PETA's president acknowledges that her group could ‘become a no-kill shelter overnight.’ But that would mean the group could no longer afford to spend millions of dollars on cheap publicity stunts, to say nothing of harassing pet food companies, restaurants, and medical researchers.”

Another PETA employee faces grand larceny charges in southern Virginia, related to the alleged 2006 theft of a hunting dog and its radio-tracking collar. PETA has not yet indicated whether the dog in question was slated to be put to death.

Start D.J. Shockley Now

There are two positives that can come out of the Michael Vick case. One, no one anywhere in this country will be able to claim that they didn’t know that dogfighting was illegal. And two, D.J. Shockley might make it onto the field.

Thanks to Michael Vick shooting himself in the foot, then reloading and shooting all of the Falcons in their feet, he (along with the Matt Schaub trade) has cleared the way for the team to one day be able to announce that their starting quarterback is D.J. Shockley. If the reports are true that the Falcons will cut Vick, then Shockley is the next best hope that we have here. I refuse to put my hopes in the hands of “The Detroit Loser” Joey Harrington.

That nickname doesn’t work for you? How about Joey “Butterfingers” Harrington? “Snapperhead?”

Having seen Harrington play in regular season games and fail miserably, and having seen D.J. Shockley excel in preseason games, I’d say at this point that Shockley has more of a chance at getting this team where it wants to be than Harrington. Plus, he’s a local hero, having played at Georgia. I’m sure the Falcons fans would rather have Shockley in there, too. He’s a capable quarterback who can run like Michael Vick. He’s like a shorter Vince Young.

So instead of giving Harrington the chance to lead this team straight into the crapper, and possibly playing Shockley anyway, after the team has been eliminated from playoff contention, why not just start Shockley at the outset and give us something to cheer for? At the very least, the positive story of a local star leading his hometown Falcons might offset some of the negativity that the Vick story has brought on.

Personally, I hope that Vick beats his charges and is allowed to come back and play for the Falcons. When he’s on his game, he is the most exciting player I have ever seen, hands down. To compare the excitement that Vick could bring to a game, you have to go to other sports. He can be that good. But in the event that he can’t ever come back, why not start the next best thing?

The D.J. Shockley campaign starts here. Everyone else, get in line.

PETA and the NFL

PETA, be forewarned. You can picket the NFL offices. You can picket NFL games. You can picket the Falcons, Home Depot, whoever. You may or may not have any progress. Just don't step in the face of any football fans. You will get your wig split. Personally, I can't wait to hear about it. "Housewife gets a fat lip for spilling football fan's beer; Pet lover gets reamed by own picket sign for being a pain."

If PETA would put this much effort into something productive, the world might not be in the state its in right now. Imagine if that many people bothered the government over something like, education or homelessness. Not to say that animal protection isn't a worthy cause, just not more important than something that involves bettering the lives of humans, like reducing emissions.

I don't want to hate PETA, but when they're being bothersome like they are right now, it's hard to support them. Whenever they get up in arms about something, all I can do is just roll my eyes and say, "oh, God, what now?"

Yeah, their methods are effective, but look at who they go after. Corporations, who tend to not have any backbone whatsoever. They're just following the money, whether they are right or wrong on the issue. They don't want to be on the side of the issue that's likely to upset the person who will create the biggest stink, so they'll fold everytime.

When corporations pull out, then it's pretty much over after that. But you're staring down the NFL, the most popular sport in America. I can't see the NFL getting punked by PETA, because who the f*** is PETA? No one's going to pull out of doing business with the NFL, because no one's going to stop watching NFL games because PETA is picketing. It's football. The corporations know this, and most importantly, the NFL knows this. The football fan and the PETA person have two different mindsets, a lot of the time. I know that there's some overlap, but the NFL is going to do whatever it's going to do, regardless of whether or not a bunch of hippies are outside yelling at the building. Don't any of you have jobs? I guess not, because you're standing outside the NFL offices at 10 in the morning, yelling at a brick wall, knowing you'll be tasered if you come inside.

Why aren't you picketing Bush? At least that's a fool's errand that I can get behind.

An open letter to PETA

Dear fuckos,

The word is starting to come out that Michael Vick is unlikely to be indicted on dog-fighting charges. Should this event come to pass, I would just like to suggest that you apologize to this man for demanding that he be released from all of his endorsement deals (and his contract with the Falcons) without even waiting to see if he was going to be formally charged, let alone convicted of anything.

I’m tired of you, PETA. I’m tired of you going around bothering people over things that may or may not even be a big deal. This isn’t to say that Michael Vick couldn’t be guilty or that I even fully supported him during this time. But, I didn’t go door to door trying to get him booted out of places that have nothing to do with dog-fighting, or any sort of animal. The Falcons are the Falcons in name only. There aren’t really any birds on the team.

It just seems like you guys put the interests of animals in front of the interests of humans. I can understand wanting to protect those who can’t protect themselves, and I support that. I don’t think you should be allowed to kick puppies or put cats in the dryer, but I do believe that cow-tipping is funny. I don’t agree with hunting for sport, but I do believe that the idea of hunting being a humane practice is the most ludicrous thing I’ve heard of since PETA came out.

(Yes, hunters will tell you that hunting is humane, because it keeps the animals’ numbers manageable. Allegedly, it keeps them from being hit by cars or run over by tractors when developers come to town. And it’s better for you, because it keeps deer from wandering into your yard to eat your garbage. So next time you see a deer get hit by a car, just keep in mind that it would have been better for this creature that it was shot in the neck with a rifle instead.)

But there’s a line that should be drawn. And demanding that a man be fired from everything for dog-fighting has to be on the far side of that line. You need to rein it in some and be realistic about your goals. Because while animals have a right to life and deserve to be free from abuse, at the end of the day, they’re still animals and a few of them are going to end up on my plate. They call that the “food chain” and it’s a natural thing, whether PETA wants to believe it or not.

Thank you for your time, and please consider not being so damn annoying in the future.

TM