I've discovered that there is a horrible condition that is affecting Atlanta Falcons' receivers. It's called "suckus receiverenidum," or "Peerless Price Syndrome." It's completely different from the condition that has devastated the Falcons secondary, "Caution: Flammable," or "Third Degree Burns." I'd show you my evidence, but it was destroyed when I let Lewis Sanders read it.
For those who remember, Peerless Price was a big free agent signing for Atlanta back in 2003. He had made his name in Buffalo, as the number 2 receiver behind Eric Moulds. He came here with big dreams of being the top receiver for the Falcons, but it wasn't long before everyone noticed that he didn't like to do things that number 1 receivers do, like catch the ball or make plays. During his two years in Atlanta, his stats plummeted. Suddenly, his name had become something of an ironic joke.
When he was released in 2005, Atlanta rejoiced, because we thought we had seen the last of Price. We knew he wasn't going to come back here and burn the Falcons for 200 yards and 3 touchdowns, a home run and a dunk over Patrick Ewing. The guy sucked. There was no chance of that happening. But he still left his mark, by spreading the disease that I just made up to the rest of the team.
Michael Jenkins was drafted by the Falcons in 2004, replacing Peerless Price in 2005, and so started his career of dashing the dreams of Falcons fans, picking up where Price left off. At 6'5", he flat out refuses to go get the ball, even though he has at least 6 inches on most defenders. When balls were thrown his way, they were almost repelled by his hands, as if they were allergic to flying leather. He was almost like a bigger Peerless Price.
Roddy White arrived in Atlanta in 2005, and immediately showed glimpses of the athleticism that both Price and Jenkins seemed to lack. But like the receivers before him, he couldn't catch the ball. It's like he had some sort of genetic defect that wouldn't allow him to open his hands.
Receiver after receiver came here and dropped balls. Except for Cole Mangum. He caught everything that came his way, so naturally they cut him. My dad and I still look fondly upon that preseason of 2005 when he outplayed every single receiver on the roster. Clearly, he had some kind of immunity to playing like crap.
So did Ashley Lelie, the only other receiver to play here that was consistently open. The Falcons organization doesn't seem to like that sort of thing. You know, doing your job or moving the chains.
Then again, maybe it was the quarterback play that was causing problems. I mean, Michael Vick wasn't exactly known for his touch. Word on the street was that every time Michael Vick threw the ball, it was like a cannon. Short passes, long passes, it didn't matter. He was gunning it. I think I even saw him gun it on a shovel pass once. I didn't even know that was even possible.
But No. 7 is gone now, and the more skilled Joey Harrington is the starter now, and by "skilled," I mean that he can't run, so he has to be able to throw. Sure, there have been complaints of his indecisiveness, but one thing that can't be argued so far is that he's been fairly accurate when he has time. And yet, the disease seems to be spreading because Joe Horn and Alge Crumpler are dropping passes like the ball is covered in soap. Someone keep an eye on the ball boy.
During the monkeystomping that the Falcons took from the Giants on Monday, even the guy that I've put all my future hopes in, rookie Laurent Robinson was dropping balls. Is someone spiking the Gatorade? Perhaps with hits of acid that make the football look like an alien face-hugger or a bag of snakes?
I know my theories on this are a stretch, but it just doesn't seem to make any sense to me why there are so many receivers here that can't catch. They can catch in other places, but when they get here, it's as if they forget how to operate their hands properly. I'll bet they don't have this problem when they're on the PlayStation, or when someone's tossing them their paycheck.
Come to think of it, I do seem to remember hearing about a rash of kids being admitted to local hospitals in record numbers because of head injuries caused by not being able to catch balls. You might not have heard about it, because it was covered up by a man who was suspiciously hit by a bus. It came into his living room. On the third floor.
Or maybe I'm looking in the wrong place for the answer. After all, Brian Finneran was here long before Peerless Price and he has a history of dropping the ball when it mattered. Maybe I've pinned this on the wrong guy. The first time I ever heard of Brian Finneran, my dad was screaming at him through the TV for dropping a pass. The anger in his voice caused his name to be forever etched into my memory.
Whatever the answer is, the Falcons need to find a solution for it, because it's not good for my mental health to continue to see our receivers drop perfect passes. If you need proof of my failing mental state, please refer to the above ramblings.
Maybe we should try tossing their kids out of the window. If you can catch a kid, you can catch a football.
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