I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I'm some kind of interesting person, because if people saw what I spent most of my time doing, they'd say, "I can't believe I wanted to have sex with you in college." Why would I delude myself into thinking that anyone cared that I was at Wal-Mart, or on the train, or eating graham crackers? Would you really care to know any of that shit?
No, but millions seem to think that every boring aspect of their lives are worthy of broadcasting to the world. Because we should all stop everything we're doing to read 140 characters worth of "I'm watching David and Victoria on The View." That's a great weight off my mind, funkygirl354. You keep that up and the TV Guide Channel will begging to buy out the valuable service that you're providing.
Seriously, your life can't be so boring that you can't think up anything else to tell us. "Sitting in the park" is the best you can do? You didn't see two homeless guys fighting or a car fire or a dog humping a cat on the way to work today? No clever anecdotes from the morning show crew? Didn't Jealous Chick #1 act catty towards Jealous Chick #5 on "Real Housewives of El Segundo" last night? All of the shit going on around you and all you got to tell us is "I'm wearing my favorite blue shirt today. Yay!" You didn't even have the good sense to pick out an interesting piece of clothing.
Lots of people simply comment on the day's events or a religious passage or someone pissing them off at work. There are a lot of things happening out there to talk about that could start an interesting conversation or just give a little insight into who you are. "Standing in line at the QT" is not one of those statements.
If you're one of those fucking people, you're probably wondering why no one ever comments on your various pages. After all, who couldn't resist following up on a nugget like, "Walking into The Hose Barrel for another pair of support hose." All of the hard work you put into assembling these things, and no one seems to care. Well, in case you're not getting it, no one cares about the mundane details of your life, as interesting as you might think pantyhose shopping might be.
Seriously, I can't let you keep going through life thinking that we care about the minutia of anyone's life. We don't. Stop it, because you're only abusing the technology, like people who're using genetics as a way to cure disease instead of creating organ farms, like God intended.
Only famous people can get away with talking about unimportant shit, because we like to know what our social betters are doing at all times. When Shaq tweets about sitting in a fancy restaurant, it gives us a glimpse into the private life of a magnetic personality. When you tweet about going to Ruby Tuesday, it's just one more dull thing you've done that day. What's the point in telling people about the exact same shit that they're doing in their own lives? You're not giving us anything new or unique; a different slant on life here on Earth. I can go do the same thing, only I've got the good fucking sense to keep it all to myself.
No one's going to care if I say, "Eating with person-you-don't-know @ Golden Corral." That's just another tweet that tells me that you're incredibly uninteresting. A sentence like that is supposed to be the opening to a much larger, more interesting story, like, "...then a dancing bear came in, covered in his former master's remnants and dragged three people away." It should not be the entire story, because if you told someone that in real life, they'd say to you, and I quote, "Who gives a fuck?"
Now, if you tweeted "Having a steak and ice cream eating contest with Larry @ Golden Corral; If I don't win soon, the cleanup crew is gonna hate me," now that's something that can get folks' attention. No one's gonna think you're cool, but they will know that you are a disgusting glutton, and that's something they can sink their teeth into. We live in a YouTube age, and nothing gets more attention than someone who's willing to let their life unravel before our very eyes. Imagine the possibilities. Can you imagine what would have happened if Michael Jackson had gotten caught up in Twitter?
That's really what it's all about: We just want to be entertained, provoked, poked, prodded, or something. Give us something to make us think, to make us laugh, smile, angry, just react in some kind of way. Tell us what's on your mind, have an opinion about something. Or maybe you should let us watch you self-destruct. Whether it's the "Leave Britney Alone" guy or Stephon Marbury, having an emotional meltdown in front of the world is a surefire way to make people care what's going on in your world.
That's what this crap is here for in the first place: Getting attention. If you didn't want it, you wouldn't be trying (and failing) so hard to get it by pulling back the curtain and revealing the mystery of how you order your latte at Starbucks.
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