Why the fuck are you putting your dick there?

You know, there was a time when people weren't just outward perverts.

Back in the olden days, people were too tired from working the North 40 or raising nine kids (with one on the way) to worry about what got them off. Sure, the men got their nut off, but we all know that a strong wind can get a man off. And the woman's only hope for pleasure was hoping that a movie would one day be made about life on the Oklahoman frontier, starring Scarlett Johansson, with Hugh Jackman as the journeyman field hand, whose gruff exterior hides the irresistable and tender heart of a poet within.

Basically, no one had the time for that crap, because we had shit to do. Back then, it was either get to work or DIE. We couldn't go to Wal-Mart and grab two boxes of Hamburger Helper, because back then, if we didn't plant the crops in August, we weren't gonna have shit to eat in April.

But now, people are just fucking crazy. People will have sex with almost anything, and that includes cars, lampposts, imaginary creatures, and are somehow aroused by the idea of this. I don't understand how, but yes, there are people out there who get off on the idea of cooking and eating other people. I seem to remember a story from years ago about a guy in France who let another guy chop off, cook, and eat his penis. I'm not proud of that memory, and I think I might be more messed up than they are for remembering it.

Now, however much time it took to figure out that it takes shit like that to get you off, that's how many more hours we need to add to the workday.

I'm not saying that people are wrong for their sexual fetishes, and I don't even wonder how far it will go, because that will inevitably lead back to "2 Girls 1 Cup," and none of us want that. I'm just wondering when someone found the time to figure out that they liked having sex with picnic tables.

I also want to know why someone thought that actually giving it a name would be more productive than public ridicule.

Because, let's face it, there's something wrong with a person who visits graveyards on the hope that a ghost will try to have sex with him. I'd think he was slightly more normal if he just dug up the corpse and had his way. And either way, that person needs to either be made fun of heavily sedated. You just shouldn't put your dick in certain places.

It's not like we don't all have our fetishes. It's just that some of our fetishes today cross the line from, "shit you might stumble across in the bedroom," to "what's your straight jacket size?" I mean, when it comes to normal fetishes, I've got no room to talk about anyone, because I shamelessly threw myself at a girl once just because she had pretty feet. But I assume that's somewhat normal, because it's something that involves a living, breathing, creature and a normal part of her body. Hell, I had a girl once tell me she wanted to suck my teeth. I didn't get it, but who am I to judge? It's not like she said, "rub your dick cheese all over me."

There's a clear line between that stuff and humping a tree. How do you know that you'll enjoy that, and how is it that the urge is so irresistable that you just have to do it during your lunch hour in the park?

The weirdness factor of sexual fetishes should rank on a scale of "How Comfortable I'd Be Explaining This To My Parents." The foot thing would be awkward, but who knows, my dad might understand and have a similar story that I don't want to hear. I don't think anyone would want to have the conversation about why their little girl has that guy's dick in their mouth, but it's not like Mom doesn't understand. How do you think she landed Dad in the first place? It wasn't her personality, I'll tell you that.

But if Mom and Dad burst in the room and caught you and your lover rubbing your own shit on each other, that would be a little hard to explain. I can only imagine what the parents of the "2 Girls, 1 Cup" video think about their daughters. "Get your own plate, Jenny. I've seen where your mouth has been."

So if you don't think your parents can handle it when the police tell them, "We caught your son humping the neighbor's tailpipe. No, sir, that's not a euphemism. '08 Mustang, ma'am," then maybe you should try not to fuck cars. If you don't think you can face your parents after they bail you out for sexing up the neighbor's horse for the second time, then maybe you should try to control yourself. The very least you can do, for your own pride, and your parents' mental health is to just buy your own house and do all the wild shit you want to inside those walls. If not for yourself, then for them.

There's no way a story that humiliating won't lead off the evening news. And thanks your inability to control yourself, they're going for forever known as the parents of "the guy who got his dick caught in a park bench." The family reunion suddenly got a little more awkward.