Clearly, this is just preparation for the day when The Body Snatchers invade our world and are looking for those who exhibit smiles and happiness as the tip-off for people who haven't been assimilated into their collective yet. Or perhaps we're just being protected from that prophecy in the Bible that states that being happy and enjoying the companionship of your friends is what gives the Anti-Christ his power to begin storming the gates of Heaven. It's all for our own good.
Mascoutah Middle School student Megan Coulter was given two days detention for daring to risk her own life and the lives of two friends by hugging them before leaving school. Noble and protective Superintendent Sam McGowan thinks that this is okay to do, because it was printed in the student handbook. He followed his reasoning up with "Duh!" and was later quoted as saying, "School by-laws state that logic and reason are not allowed on school property." The rules must have been written by the Catholic Church.
Coulter tried to justify her reprehensible acts by claiming that they "weren't even full-on hugs, just an innocent arm around the shoulder and a slight squeeze." Lord knows what could have happened if she used two arms. Her friends might have let out a joyous reaction of some sort before the Pod People set upon their school. Witnesses to this horrible crime would have burst into flames or their heads would have exploded. We simply can't have people liking each other in public.
Really, this one is stupid, even for me. If it's wrong to show affection to your fellow classmates, how long is it going to be before we're not allowed to wave or wink at people? Hell, for shut-ins like me, the first hugs I ever got from people who weren't already related to me were girls at school. Speaking of my school experiences, had I gone to this school, they probably would have executed me by way of lethal injection, because I spent most of the 8th grade grabbing the ass of the girl that I liked at the time. I didn't know any better, but I won't apologize because she got her payback in the form of punching me in the crotch. True story.
Coulter was quoted as saying, "Nobody can believe it," and I would suggest that's because the average person tends to do their thinking while their brain is actually inside their head and not when it's sitting in a pickle jar under their desk. How stupid do you have to be not only to write a rule like this, but actually enforce it? Seriously, does it hurt to be this retarded?
Or maybe these people are just evil. Assistant Principal Randy Blakely was the one who handed down the punishment, and if you add up all of the letters in his name, divide them by "Sigma" and multiply the answer by 163, before converting it all into AASCI code, you'll get a message that states that "Randy Blakely will usher in the war on happy feelings." Our only defense from this will be the Care Bear Stare.
Seriously, what is a rule like this going to prove, that even the most asisine rules will be enforced? It's not like she was tongue-kissing her shirtless friends before pulling a strap-on out of her locker, and it's not like she was anally raping them, despite their cries that she stop. She gave her friends a half-hug. She's a eighth grade girl, and anyone who doesn't understand that girls like touching people as a show of affection clearly doesn't need to be supervising a middle school full of them.
And there's no need for a superintendent or principal who can't be bothered to think aloud that a rule where students aren't allowed to physically show affection could possibly be a stupid one. What these administrators don't understand is that the kids can see how stupid this is and will openly mock the teachers for this. They've just lost all their credibility amongst people whose voices still crack. Next time Randy Blakely comes around a group of students and they start fake hugging each other in his face, he's got no one else to blame except his ability to question a rule that anyone could see doesn't make any sense.
Be on the lookout for a mother being brought up on molestation charges for kissing her kids goodbye on school grounds or a 12 year old boy getting arrested for indecent exposure when he's called up to the board to work on a math problem during his accidental erection. This is what's in our future.
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