Ricky, Mercury, and Alex

Maybe they can trade him to the Knicks?

Ricky Williams has been reinstated by the NFL after an 18-month suspension as a result of his efforts to prove to the world that marijuana IS addictive, orgasmic, and quite delicious. The question on everyone’s mind is not the over/under for “Weeks before Ricky Williams fails another drug test,” but instead, “Should the Dolphins take him back?”

I say why the hell not? What’s the worst that can happen?

The Miami Dolphins are already paying celebrities to come to home games in a desperate attempt to trick star-watching fans in the area to wander into the stadium and maybe catch a glimpse of that guy from Survivor: Upper Antilles, or that drunk chick from the O.C., and in an ironic twist, this year’s Dolphins are in danger of going 0-16 in the same season that the Patriots are trying to surpass the 1972 Dolphins’ Undefeated Season (more on this in a second). Why not give the fans the hope of seeing an on-field train wreck?

What do they have to lose? They’re already a lock for the number 1 overall draft pick and it’s not like they have any other options at running back because Ronnie Brown is hurt, and I can’t be bothered to remember their back-up’s name. What, are they worried about messing up their team chemistry? Are they afraid that Ricky Williams will disrupt their precision offense? Maybe they just think he’ll sell weed to the rest of the team.

No matter what reason anyone could come up with for why the Dolphins shouldn’t take Ricky back, I can very easily just throw this out there: That only applies to teams that have something worth saving. The Dolphins are already in trouble for years to come, so they’re not exactly rolling the dice here. They’re not even flipping coins.

Mercury Morris’s Apparent Death Wish

There are very few things in life that are funnier than crazy old people, and one of them is probably crazy old people crapping on themselves. But if you don’t have any of those around, you can always look for crazy old people that used to be famous and are desperate for some face time. And that brings us, once again, to Mercury Morris of the undefeated 1972 Dolphins, who has started running off at the mouth about his block, when you should and shouldn’t call him, furniture moving, and something about the Titanic. Then, he started throwing crap at reporters.

Oh, that wacky Grandpa Mercury. When did you stop taking your pills?

The man is about 70 years old, but the way he’s talking, you’d think that should the Patriots go undefeated, the 1972 Dolphins will suit up and play the Pats in the Ultimate Lightning Bowl Wrapped in Barbed Wire. And for their sake, I hope that they don’t play the Patriots, because it can only give us the opportunity to see what it looks like to see old people explode in a cloud of their own bone fragments.

The Steinbrenners could have had me for 1% of that.

Last month, Alex Rodriguez asked the New York Yankees for a contract totaling $350 million. No word on how many years that contract would be for, but I can confirm that he did mean to say “$350 million.” That’s dollars, not rubles or Monopoly money.

He couldn’t have been serious about that amount, because no one whose head is on straight would take that offer, unless they’re dyslexic, in which case, the numbers they would actually see on the paper would read “$000,053,000 dollars.” The best player in baseball would be a bargain.

The amount that he was asking for is of Dr. Evil proportions, at which point, you might as well just start making up numbers, because no one’s signing him for that much money. Then again, no one could believe that Texas would sign him for $252 million, so why not take a shot at eleventeen bajillion dollars? $30,000 kazillion? After all, the next closest offer was for less than half that.

Whoo-wee, those are some great negotiating skills, Tom Hicks. How you’re not in the poorhouse is beyond me.

Anyway, the Yankees told him to go fuck himself. And after Alex Rodriguez saw that no other major league teams had money-printing machines in their clubhouses or owners that were incapable of breaking the laws of good business sense to sign him, he crawled back to the Yankees…and the Yankees apparently, are going to take him back and all of his post-season chokery. All of this for the bargain-basement price of $275 million dollars, in 10 yearly installments.

The Steinbrenners should be in the poorhouse alongside Tom Hicks.

Anyone who thinks that A-Rod has been debased or demoralized by coming back to the Yankees needs to look at the numbers again. They’re paying him MORE than they were the first time. Yeah, the Yankees really showed A-Rod. Boy, they sure got over on him.

Not only is he getting paid more over the life of the deal, the Yankees have to pay all of it this time. Remember, the Rangers were still paying part of his salary, and when he opted out on his contract, all of that went out of the window. So the Yankees payroll just went up again. Who’s getting the better end of this again? I mean, aside from the Texas Rangers.

He had no other takers and someone is still willing to break the bank to pay him. Professional sports management: A breeding ground for the retarded.