I must have missed the memo that said, "As a condition of us paying you $25 million, you are not allowed to lie to anyone, ever." Sportswriters' reaction to Alex Rodriguez lying to them when he was trying to be honest was priceless. It's almost as if sportswriters have to swear not to use any of their intelligence before they start covering athletes. I find it hard to believe that they graduated from college without tugging off at least two of their professors.
"I, Jay Mariotti, do solemnly swear to pretend as if I've never encountered a human being in my life, as it relates to discussing or writing about athletes."
I didn't know that Alex Rodriguez was going to lie, mainly because I don't know Alex Rodriguez. Also, he was volunteering information, so I took at all at face value. But since he did lie, it's not like it changes how I look at him. I'm not surprised at all that he tried to lie his way out, because I know that he was born right here on Earth, where I've watched people lie for way less than that. I had a friend lie to me about whether or not he saw "Transformers: The Movie" in theaters as a child, so A-Rod lying to protect his job in Major League Baseball doesn't even make me blink. He's got a lot to lose, so what did they expect him to do?
Sportswriters are acting as if he's wrong for not telling the world about this back when it looked like he wasn't going to get caught. I know all of two people who told the truth when they didn't have to and all it ever did was cause more trouble than it was worth. So, people should always be expected to lie in these situations. Tell the truth for what? No one was going to find out anytime soon and all that telling on yourself is going to get you is reporters digging through your garbage. Yeah, I'm really seeing the benefit.
Not only that, who are the sportswriters of America to demand that athletes be honest with them or even the average fan? They get paid to play with balls, not be Jesus. And this being America, there was has never been a benefit to men who play with balls "coming out" about what they do behind closed doors.
Whenever I meet a girl that I could get serious with, I always tell her about how I'd prefer for women to just tell me that she wants to sleep with someone else so we can go about the business of her getting the fuck out instead of cheating on me. It never happens, though, because they think they can get away with it. It doesn't stop anyone from cheating and it doesn't stop anyone from lying. And I'm trying to create an open environment, with no repercussions. I'm not going to flip out and hit anyone. I just want the truth. Now, if I can't get the truth, what makes sportswriters, with their follow-up questions, digging, and judgmental nature, are going to get an open admission?
No, they're going to make you catch them, because they stand to lose a whole lot more than a warm body to snuggle with at night. If LeBron James was secretly gay, he'd kill everyone in Cleveland to keep that quiet, because he knows that the dream is over if the word ever got out. Do you really expect him to risk that happening just so Michael Wilbon will keep thinking he's honest? LeBron won't care if you think he invites Satan over to play XBox on Sundays, so long if you keep thinking he's straight.
If you believe that he'll risk a bomb like that getting out, you're probably one of the ones who's going to buy his inevitable rap CD. That's why he has PR people: To explain that he wasn't really sucking that guy off, but actually picking up his kielbasa off the floor. With his mouth. Because his hands were full of rescued puppies that couldn't be seen in the picture. Bad cropping. Plus, it was all Photoshopped.
So let's not act like A-Rod's lies make him an extraordinarily terrible human being. He's not a mass murderer or the Anti-Christ; he's just a guy who lied about something to save his ass. Hell, Bush lied to America every other day and never got called on it. So come down off the high horse, because you'd do the same thing in his position. It's wrong, yes, he's no better than the rest of us. He's just really, really, rich and has banged Madonna. And if the sportswriters could look past their own miserable existences that only Death's icy touch can free them from, they'd see that.
Showing posts with label Alex Rodriguez. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alex Rodriguez. Show all posts
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, February 09, 2009
A-Rod: The New Bonds
I really don't care whether or not Alex Rodriguez used steroids.
Honestly, the girlish subplot between he and Derek Jeter is far more interesting. So is the story about how Madonna used "Material Girl Power" to convert A-Rod to Kabbalah. This mess about A-Rod using whatever he used ranks somewhere after "How many more times is A-Rod going to choke in the playoffs?" Clearly, whatever he used didn't help him there.
No, the real story is going to be the reaction to all of this. Barry Bonds isn't even acknowledged as the Home Run King. Mark McGwire won't ever get into the Hall of Fame. Roger Clemens is pretty much a social leper at this point. I hear Rafael Palmeiro and Sammy Sosa were thrown into a pit and made to fight each other to the death. The reaction to these people has been over the top, wanting to take back their numbers and records. I think they even wanted to put as asterisk on Bonds' DNA so he wouldn't taint the name of his highly respected father and put a restraing order on Bonds' tongue so he can't tell anyone else that Willie Mays' is his godfather.
Alex Rodriguez was supposed to be the end of all that foolishness. He was supposed to right the ship, clear the storm clouds, inject the light of righteousness into the veins of baseball. A-Rod is the Golden Boy, the one who was going to save baseball from Barry Bonds, the man who ruined the sanctity of this holiest of games by personally introducing it to steroids and eating from the Tree of Knowledge. A-Rod was supposed to break the home run record, end the Bonds curse, and save the entire galaxy. We'll know that A-Rod is being held to the same standards as Bonds when people start throwing batteries at A-Rod.
So far, they've gone pretty easy on A-Rod. I guess the main difference between him and them is that he admitted that he did it. That helps. But he only admitted it after someone caught him. He might actually be sorry, but he still got caught first. It's not like he was sorry three weeks ago.
He's also trying to use the "I don't know what the hell I took" defense in the middle of guilty confession, which is the same one Bonds is using. Now, what makes A-Rod more credible? They didn't buy it when Bonds said it. It's a stupid defense no matter who's using it, because it hinges on me being a complete fool who believes that a highly trained athlete, who can recite their caloric intake for the month, has no idea what's in the syringe that's sticking out of his ass. Lemme help you out in telling the difference: When you inject b-12, it doesn't burn in your veins with the intensity of 1,000 lies.
But I'm curious to see if folks will be nicer to him because he's not Bonds. After all, people were jumping down Bonds' throat just on the suspicion that he might have used steroids. People (myself included) were suddenly experts on steroids, and we all knew that there was no way that Bonds or McGwire could naturally be that big. They were so skinny and then ALL OF A SUDDEN, they were 260 pound monsters! Bonds' head had tripled in size! Triple H keeps tearing his quadriceps because steroids weaken the tendons, making users more susceptible to muscle tears! We knew everything about steroids, and yet not one shred of proof.
Meanwhile, Rodriguez has admitted that he did it and as of yet, I haven't heard anyone saying that he should have an asterisk placed next to his name. No one's saying that A-Rod should be banned from the sport and so far, people are saying that there's a chance that A-Rod will one day make the Hall of Fame. Bonds got banned from the Hall because the rumor mill spoke too loud.
Just hearsay and "reports." And what the hell does that even mean? There are "reports" that Michael Jordan has seven extra kids out of wedlock, but no one knows what their names are. All we have on A-Rod is an admission out of his own mouth. We don't even know if A-Rod really stopped in 2003 like he said. We just have to take him on his word that he stopped, which is probably worth more than Bonds never failing a drug test. The fallout from this is going to be interesting. If Skip Bayless doesn't have a stroke on TV, I'll be shocked.
Because not only does he seem to have the public and press (more or less) on his side right now, there have even been those who have made the excuse that we shouldn't even know about this, because his name shouldn't have even been released. That's like saying we shouldn't blame Bush for fucking up the country because it's not his fault that we let him be that stupid on a grand stage.
He's getting the benefit of the doubt, which Bonds never did. Even McGwire and Clemens got the benefit of the doubt. But the sportswriters like A-Rod and McGwire and Clemens and they don't like Bonds. And since they all instantly go on their periods when Bonds' name comes up, their editorial process is instantly swayed.
But when you really think about it, which one is worse: An admitted steroid user who apologized or a suspected steroid user that won't admit it?
Honestly, the girlish subplot between he and Derek Jeter is far more interesting. So is the story about how Madonna used "Material Girl Power" to convert A-Rod to Kabbalah. This mess about A-Rod using whatever he used ranks somewhere after "How many more times is A-Rod going to choke in the playoffs?" Clearly, whatever he used didn't help him there.
No, the real story is going to be the reaction to all of this. Barry Bonds isn't even acknowledged as the Home Run King. Mark McGwire won't ever get into the Hall of Fame. Roger Clemens is pretty much a social leper at this point. I hear Rafael Palmeiro and Sammy Sosa were thrown into a pit and made to fight each other to the death. The reaction to these people has been over the top, wanting to take back their numbers and records. I think they even wanted to put as asterisk on Bonds' DNA so he wouldn't taint the name of his highly respected father and put a restraing order on Bonds' tongue so he can't tell anyone else that Willie Mays' is his godfather.
Alex Rodriguez was supposed to be the end of all that foolishness. He was supposed to right the ship, clear the storm clouds, inject the light of righteousness into the veins of baseball. A-Rod is the Golden Boy, the one who was going to save baseball from Barry Bonds, the man who ruined the sanctity of this holiest of games by personally introducing it to steroids and eating from the Tree of Knowledge. A-Rod was supposed to break the home run record, end the Bonds curse, and save the entire galaxy. We'll know that A-Rod is being held to the same standards as Bonds when people start throwing batteries at A-Rod.
So far, they've gone pretty easy on A-Rod. I guess the main difference between him and them is that he admitted that he did it. That helps. But he only admitted it after someone caught him. He might actually be sorry, but he still got caught first. It's not like he was sorry three weeks ago.
He's also trying to use the "I don't know what the hell I took" defense in the middle of guilty confession, which is the same one Bonds is using. Now, what makes A-Rod more credible? They didn't buy it when Bonds said it. It's a stupid defense no matter who's using it, because it hinges on me being a complete fool who believes that a highly trained athlete, who can recite their caloric intake for the month, has no idea what's in the syringe that's sticking out of his ass. Lemme help you out in telling the difference: When you inject b-12, it doesn't burn in your veins with the intensity of 1,000 lies.
But I'm curious to see if folks will be nicer to him because he's not Bonds. After all, people were jumping down Bonds' throat just on the suspicion that he might have used steroids. People (myself included) were suddenly experts on steroids, and we all knew that there was no way that Bonds or McGwire could naturally be that big. They were so skinny and then ALL OF A SUDDEN, they were 260 pound monsters! Bonds' head had tripled in size! Triple H keeps tearing his quadriceps because steroids weaken the tendons, making users more susceptible to muscle tears! We knew everything about steroids, and yet not one shred of proof.
Meanwhile, Rodriguez has admitted that he did it and as of yet, I haven't heard anyone saying that he should have an asterisk placed next to his name. No one's saying that A-Rod should be banned from the sport and so far, people are saying that there's a chance that A-Rod will one day make the Hall of Fame. Bonds got banned from the Hall because the rumor mill spoke too loud.
Just hearsay and "reports." And what the hell does that even mean? There are "reports" that Michael Jordan has seven extra kids out of wedlock, but no one knows what their names are. All we have on A-Rod is an admission out of his own mouth. We don't even know if A-Rod really stopped in 2003 like he said. We just have to take him on his word that he stopped, which is probably worth more than Bonds never failing a drug test. The fallout from this is going to be interesting. If Skip Bayless doesn't have a stroke on TV, I'll be shocked.
Because not only does he seem to have the public and press (more or less) on his side right now, there have even been those who have made the excuse that we shouldn't even know about this, because his name shouldn't have even been released. That's like saying we shouldn't blame Bush for fucking up the country because it's not his fault that we let him be that stupid on a grand stage.
He's getting the benefit of the doubt, which Bonds never did. Even McGwire and Clemens got the benefit of the doubt. But the sportswriters like A-Rod and McGwire and Clemens and they don't like Bonds. And since they all instantly go on their periods when Bonds' name comes up, their editorial process is instantly swayed.
But when you really think about it, which one is worse: An admitted steroid user who apologized or a suspected steroid user that won't admit it?
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Ricky, Mercury, and Alex
Maybe they can trade him to the Knicks?
Ricky Williams has been reinstated by the NFL after an 18-month suspension as a result of his efforts to prove to the world that marijuana IS addictive, orgasmic, and quite delicious. The question on everyone’s mind is not the over/under for “Weeks before Ricky Williams fails another drug test,” but instead, “Should the Dolphins take him back?”
I say why the hell not? What’s the worst that can happen?
The Miami Dolphins are already paying celebrities to come to home games in a desperate attempt to trick star-watching fans in the area to wander into the stadium and maybe catch a glimpse of that guy from Survivor: Upper Antilles, or that drunk chick from the O.C., and in an ironic twist, this year’s Dolphins are in danger of going 0-16 in the same season that the Patriots are trying to surpass the 1972 Dolphins’ Undefeated Season (more on this in a second). Why not give the fans the hope of seeing an on-field train wreck?
What do they have to lose? They’re already a lock for the number 1 overall draft pick and it’s not like they have any other options at running back because Ronnie Brown is hurt, and I can’t be bothered to remember their back-up’s name. What, are they worried about messing up their team chemistry? Are they afraid that Ricky Williams will disrupt their precision offense? Maybe they just think he’ll sell weed to the rest of the team.
No matter what reason anyone could come up with for why the Dolphins shouldn’t take Ricky back, I can very easily just throw this out there: That only applies to teams that have something worth saving. The Dolphins are already in trouble for years to come, so they’re not exactly rolling the dice here. They’re not even flipping coins.
Mercury Morris’s Apparent Death Wish
There are very few things in life that are funnier than crazy old people, and one of them is probably crazy old people crapping on themselves. But if you don’t have any of those around, you can always look for crazy old people that used to be famous and are desperate for some face time. And that brings us, once again, to Mercury Morris of the undefeated 1972 Dolphins, who has started running off at the mouth about his block, when you should and shouldn’t call him, furniture moving, and something about the Titanic. Then, he started throwing crap at reporters.
Oh, that wacky Grandpa Mercury. When did you stop taking your pills?
The man is about 70 years old, but the way he’s talking, you’d think that should the Patriots go undefeated, the 1972 Dolphins will suit up and play the Pats in the Ultimate Lightning Bowl Wrapped in Barbed Wire. And for their sake, I hope that they don’t play the Patriots, because it can only give us the opportunity to see what it looks like to see old people explode in a cloud of their own bone fragments.
The Steinbrenners could have had me for 1% of that.
Last month, Alex Rodriguez asked the New York Yankees for a contract totaling $350 million. No word on how many years that contract would be for, but I can confirm that he did mean to say “$350 million.” That’s dollars, not rubles or Monopoly money.
He couldn’t have been serious about that amount, because no one whose head is on straight would take that offer, unless they’re dyslexic, in which case, the numbers they would actually see on the paper would read “$000,053,000 dollars.” The best player in baseball would be a bargain.
The amount that he was asking for is of Dr. Evil proportions, at which point, you might as well just start making up numbers, because no one’s signing him for that much money. Then again, no one could believe that Texas would sign him for $252 million, so why not take a shot at eleventeen bajillion dollars? $30,000 kazillion? After all, the next closest offer was for less than half that.
Whoo-wee, those are some great negotiating skills, Tom Hicks. How you’re not in the poorhouse is beyond me.
Anyway, the Yankees told him to go fuck himself. And after Alex Rodriguez saw that no other major league teams had money-printing machines in their clubhouses or owners that were incapable of breaking the laws of good business sense to sign him, he crawled back to the Yankees…and the Yankees apparently, are going to take him back and all of his post-season chokery. All of this for the bargain-basement price of $275 million dollars, in 10 yearly installments.
The Steinbrenners should be in the poorhouse alongside Tom Hicks.
Anyone who thinks that A-Rod has been debased or demoralized by coming back to the Yankees needs to look at the numbers again. They’re paying him MORE than they were the first time. Yeah, the Yankees really showed A-Rod. Boy, they sure got over on him.
Not only is he getting paid more over the life of the deal, the Yankees have to pay all of it this time. Remember, the Rangers were still paying part of his salary, and when he opted out on his contract, all of that went out of the window. So the Yankees payroll just went up again. Who’s getting the better end of this again? I mean, aside from the Texas Rangers.
He had no other takers and someone is still willing to break the bank to pay him. Professional sports management: A breeding ground for the retarded.
Ricky Williams has been reinstated by the NFL after an 18-month suspension as a result of his efforts to prove to the world that marijuana IS addictive, orgasmic, and quite delicious. The question on everyone’s mind is not the over/under for “Weeks before Ricky Williams fails another drug test,” but instead, “Should the Dolphins take him back?”
I say why the hell not? What’s the worst that can happen?
The Miami Dolphins are already paying celebrities to come to home games in a desperate attempt to trick star-watching fans in the area to wander into the stadium and maybe catch a glimpse of that guy from Survivor: Upper Antilles, or that drunk chick from the O.C., and in an ironic twist, this year’s Dolphins are in danger of going 0-16 in the same season that the Patriots are trying to surpass the 1972 Dolphins’ Undefeated Season (more on this in a second). Why not give the fans the hope of seeing an on-field train wreck?
What do they have to lose? They’re already a lock for the number 1 overall draft pick and it’s not like they have any other options at running back because Ronnie Brown is hurt, and I can’t be bothered to remember their back-up’s name. What, are they worried about messing up their team chemistry? Are they afraid that Ricky Williams will disrupt their precision offense? Maybe they just think he’ll sell weed to the rest of the team.
No matter what reason anyone could come up with for why the Dolphins shouldn’t take Ricky back, I can very easily just throw this out there: That only applies to teams that have something worth saving. The Dolphins are already in trouble for years to come, so they’re not exactly rolling the dice here. They’re not even flipping coins.
Mercury Morris’s Apparent Death Wish
There are very few things in life that are funnier than crazy old people, and one of them is probably crazy old people crapping on themselves. But if you don’t have any of those around, you can always look for crazy old people that used to be famous and are desperate for some face time. And that brings us, once again, to Mercury Morris of the undefeated 1972 Dolphins, who has started running off at the mouth about his block, when you should and shouldn’t call him, furniture moving, and something about the Titanic. Then, he started throwing crap at reporters.
Oh, that wacky Grandpa Mercury. When did you stop taking your pills?
The man is about 70 years old, but the way he’s talking, you’d think that should the Patriots go undefeated, the 1972 Dolphins will suit up and play the Pats in the Ultimate Lightning Bowl Wrapped in Barbed Wire. And for their sake, I hope that they don’t play the Patriots, because it can only give us the opportunity to see what it looks like to see old people explode in a cloud of their own bone fragments.
The Steinbrenners could have had me for 1% of that.
Last month, Alex Rodriguez asked the New York Yankees for a contract totaling $350 million. No word on how many years that contract would be for, but I can confirm that he did mean to say “$350 million.” That’s dollars, not rubles or Monopoly money.
He couldn’t have been serious about that amount, because no one whose head is on straight would take that offer, unless they’re dyslexic, in which case, the numbers they would actually see on the paper would read “$000,053,000 dollars.” The best player in baseball would be a bargain.
The amount that he was asking for is of Dr. Evil proportions, at which point, you might as well just start making up numbers, because no one’s signing him for that much money. Then again, no one could believe that Texas would sign him for $252 million, so why not take a shot at eleventeen bajillion dollars? $30,000 kazillion? After all, the next closest offer was for less than half that.
Whoo-wee, those are some great negotiating skills, Tom Hicks. How you’re not in the poorhouse is beyond me.
Anyway, the Yankees told him to go fuck himself. And after Alex Rodriguez saw that no other major league teams had money-printing machines in their clubhouses or owners that were incapable of breaking the laws of good business sense to sign him, he crawled back to the Yankees…and the Yankees apparently, are going to take him back and all of his post-season chokery. All of this for the bargain-basement price of $275 million dollars, in 10 yearly installments.
The Steinbrenners should be in the poorhouse alongside Tom Hicks.
Anyone who thinks that A-Rod has been debased or demoralized by coming back to the Yankees needs to look at the numbers again. They’re paying him MORE than they were the first time. Yeah, the Yankees really showed A-Rod. Boy, they sure got over on him.
Not only is he getting paid more over the life of the deal, the Yankees have to pay all of it this time. Remember, the Rangers were still paying part of his salary, and when he opted out on his contract, all of that went out of the window. So the Yankees payroll just went up again. Who’s getting the better end of this again? I mean, aside from the Texas Rangers.
He had no other takers and someone is still willing to break the bank to pay him. Professional sports management: A breeding ground for the retarded.
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