My take on...

Every so often, I have some partial thoughts about different things going on in the world. Here's what I think about certain people in the sports world. My take on....

...Michelle Wie.

I don't remember her ever proving she could beat her fellow 14-year olds, let alone a grown man. Let me know if she ever starts dominating her peers. She better do it quick before she ruins her confidence and her career. That can only lead to the cover of Hustler, where she'll get paid just enough to keep her heroin addiction going for three more months.

...Sean Salisbury:

The man was a quarterback for what, two and a half weeks back in 1994? He's full of good advice that he himself could have used back during his playing day. Maybe if he had taken some of it, he would have been, y'know...relavant. Gus Frerotte was one his peers and I remember him. Why couldn't I remember Sean Salisbury?

...Kobe Bryant:

There's absolutely nothing wrong with playing EXACTLY like Michael Jordan, except in Queens, where they call that "holding his dick in public."

...Magic Johnson:

Magic Johnson doesn't have HIV, unless HIV's secret side-effect is to make you gain weight. You know who really has HIV? Larry Bird. The man started deteriorating as soon as Magic made his annoucement.

...Michael Wilbon (from PTI):

He wants to hard to be recognized for being edgy and mean and so tough on these sports guys. He wishes he could be viewed as the angry black man, but we all know that's not the case. His righteous indignation from atop his moral high horse is so cute, though. He's probably married to a white woman.

...Tony Kornheiser (from PTI):

I love this man. He deserves an entertaining co-host. I was hoping Stephen A. Smith would have gotten it, but he's decided that a studio audience was the way to go.

...Stephen A. Smith:

I believe he passionately HATES Kevin Frazier (the old host of the NBA stuff on ESPN), which is why he's the OLD host of the NBA stuff on ESPN.

...Tom Jackson (ESPN football analyst):

Few things in life are funnier than the look on this man's face when Michael Irvin or Steve Young dare to challenge the all knowing wisdom of Tom Jackson. Whenever he gets upset at them, you can almost see him wistfully look back to the days when it was just he and Chris Berman...alone. It's almost like when the slaves would start identifying with the slavemaster. I expect his name to become Tom Berman by this time next year.

...Shannon Sharpe:

He was an great tight end (the gayest thing I've said since last Wednesday), but when was the last time YOU were able to get a job because your brother was good-looking and well spoken?

...Phil Jackson:

I want to fuck his wife. I settled for paying him money for his book.

...Terrell Owens:

If I had paid full price for my jersey I'd be really pissed at him for making it so I can't wear it again for a while.

...Emmitt Smith:

I could have gotten 2000 yards a season with that offensive line. Note that as soon as they were gone, you didn't hear a word out of Emmitt Smith. Hell, Warrick Dunn is good for at least a G and he's got a terrible offensive line. If Barry Sanders had Emmitt Smith's line, he would have rushed for 4000 yards a season.

...Barry Sanders:

The greatest running back I've ever seen. Broke more ankles than Kathy Bates and half the time, he was the only one on the field with a Lions jersey on. Certainly, no one was blocking for him. If I were him, I'd hate Emmitt Smith. In fact, I do hate Emmitt Smith.

...Vince Carter:

Tim Legler declared this man's career was over. I've never met VC, but I knew he still had it just from the four games I saw him in over the last three years before the trade. You'd think Tim Legler would understand how Vince was feeling, seeing as how he NEVER played on a winning team.

...Penny Hardaway:

I believe the man could still give you 15 and 9. But he'll never get the chance because Stephon Marbury clutches the ball so tightly to his bosom you'd think his crack stash was in there.

...Frank Thomas:

The minute he stopped being productive, the White Sox got good. That has got to sting a little.

...Tom Brady:

Much like Mr. Smith, with a line like that, even Sean Salisbury could give you 300 yards and 4 touchdowns a game. This is probably the most overrated quarterback in history. He's a good quarterback, but you're seeing now that he doesn't will his team to victory. I've seen Brett Favre get a sub-par team into the playoffs (last year's Packers). Brady doesn't seem too up to the job. He's the beneficiary of a well timed injury and the most balanced football team EVER. And also the Bush Administration's rigging of the 2002 Super Bowl.

...Drew Bledsoe:

Inventor of the Tom Brady Voodoo Doll and probably has tried to cut Tom Brady's brake lines more than once. Those years he was exiled to Buffalo were brutal. I forgot he was still playing.

...College Football:

The most worthless sport ever in human history. I'm still upset that Nebraska and Penn State never got to play in 1994. Turned me completely off to college football.

...College Basketball:

Now THAT'S how you decide a champion! Unfortunately for me, it won't be North Carolina this year. Two times this year, I'm going to be on the brink of tears. Both times, Duke will be on the floor against UNC.

...Scott Norwood:

Jay Feely's performance on Sunday made Scott Norwood smile just a little.

...Craig Kilborn and Keith Olbermann:

It's time for the prodigal sons to return. They need to save Dan Patrick. That man is so bitter and cynical these days that I think it's time for an intervention.

...The Philadelphia Eagles:

I knew letting Duce Staley leave would bite them on the ass.

...Steve Mariucci:

Probably got fired for trying to end the "Joey Harrington Experiment." I swear, Harrington must have embarrassing pictures of Matt Millen in his house. Matt Millen must have embarrassing pictures of the Lions' owner in his. Doesn't Matt Millen look like the dad from Varsity Blues?

...USC:

Due to the farcical nature of College Football, USC is as credible a champion as Triple H.