Larry Bird, The Best Player of the 80s

He was the ultimate white player on the ultimate white team in the ultimate white city in a time when the white player was quickly becoming obsolete. The white player in basketball was supposed to be over and done with. This was the black man's game now.

Thing is, no one told Larry Bird.

I was a kid when Larry Bird was showing his ass all over the NBA. At that time, I was a Sixers fan, because my dad was a Sixers fan. I wasn't really watching basketball then. I didn't find out about the Celtics/Sixers rivalry until I got much older. I didn't have any Larry Bird memories. All I know is I couldn't stand Larry Bird or the Boston Celtics. As a kid, we'd talk about how the Boston Celtics were the ugliest team in basketball (and they were)...I mean, come on...they had a black man with freckles!

No one liked Bird or the Celtics outside of Boston. Everywhere I went, I never heard a positive word about Bird's Celtics. Mostly from black people. Why didn't we like him? Because for all our black dominance of the NBA, we couldn't stomach the fact the best player in the NBA was a white guy and that he took his white team to the championship on a regular basis.

See, all our heroes in the NBA at that time were flashy players. Players who represented US. Dr. J, Magic Johnson, Dominque Wilkins. There was no way anyone could beat these guys. Except Larry Bird, who dominated them all, lit up the scoreboard in their faces and won championships over ALL of them. Magic Johnson was a great point guard and the ultimate winner of the 80s.
But there was one player who could go toe-to-toe with him and it was Larry Bird. And when those two went at it, even though it was never said, it was always a racial thing. Even if you didn't like the Lakers, you wanted Magic to beat Larry. I mean, come on...the guy's white. You can't let that white boy beat you, Magic. He wasn't just white. He was white and slow. White and awkward. White and ugly. He was ugly, his game was ugly. It didn't flow. It didn't come natural like ours did. He couldn't jump. He had an ugly left handed shot. He wasn't Magic, he wasn't Doc and he wasn't Nique. He wasn't Bernard King. He wasn't Isiah Thomas. He didn't do any of the stuff that the black players did. He just won. The nerve of that guy.

Even after watching Larry Bird go shot-for-shot with Dominique in Atlanta in the playoffs, or watching Larry routinely eliminate the Sixers from the playoffs, we still couldn't admit to ourselves that the best player in the NBA was white. Had Larry's career lasted a few more years, we probably would have justified the belief that the best player in the NBA was black. Maybe. Michael Jordan was coming up just as Bird was going down. Bird was still managing to win, though...even if his back didn't work anymore. Unfortunately for us, Michael never really got the chance to beat the Celtics in the playoffs.

The most hated player and the most hated team in the league were hated because they were both white. It just wasn't right, dammit. Not the fact that they were hated over their skin color...it wasn't right because white players shouldn't be dominating a black sport.

Well, now we should be used to it. We pretty much are used to it, because people love Dirk Nowitzki. Dirk Diggler, we call him. And he comes from a place even whiter than French Lick, Indiana or Boston. Germany. And that place is as white as it gets. And coming along through the college ranks are Duke's J.J. Redick (the most hated player in college athletics) and Gonzaga's Adam Morrison (the heir apparent to Larry Bird).

J.J. Redick is probably the deadliest shooter in the nation and Adam Morrison is the best player in college basketball. They don't get nearly the amount of hostility that Larry Bird seemed to get in the 80s (well, Redick does...but his comes mostly from other white people...and UNC fans). I guess we've finally learned to admit to ourselves that white people can play this game, too.
And now we can admit to ourselves that the best player in the 80s was Larry Bird. Except in Philly. It'll probably never happen there.

If you don't believe Larry Bird was the best (in the 80s), then name me one better. Go ahead. I dare you.

Rick Majerus/Rudy Gay

In one of those classic TV moments, ESPN College Basketball analyst Rick Majerus was speaking in reference to the merits and talent of Connecticut shooting guard Rudy Gay:
"You know, I'm not a big Gay guy..."

Whether or not Majerus realized exactly what he just said, Steve Lavin started snickering right on camera. You just can't make this stuff up.

Kamala Sings...

Jesus F'n Christ. Kamala, the Ugandan Giant has put out a CD. Yeah, I'll let that sink in. And no, I'm not making that up.

I'm pretty sure a good number of you out there know who Kamala is. For anyone who has ever watched wrestling, you have probably caught a glimpse of a black man with a gut that hangs over his waistline in a skirt with a painted face and two stars painted on his man-boobs and a crescent moon on the aforementioned gut. As a means of emotional expression, he'd dance around and slap his stomach. He was last mentioned on TV in 2002, being mocked by The Rock. Well, that was the last time I cared to see him. Or see any reference of him.

Not since "Macho Man" Randy Savage put out his rap CD of songs basically devoted to calling out Hulk Hogan to at long last, "settle the score,(incidentally, I've been watching wrestling for a good 20-plus years and I've NEVER seen Savage pin Hogan...I'd say the score has long since been settled) has the wrestling industry had an embarrassment of this magnitude. Seriously. When all the steroid and cocaine related deaths and criminal trials and anytime Jake Roberts' name is mentioned on TV...when the dust has settled on all of that...THESE are the moments the general public remembers and will throw in MY face when it comes up that I like wrestling. Yes...Macho Man's voice that sounds like he swallowed a mug of broken glass and hot sauce, coming through the radio bellowing, "HOGAN!!! BE A MAN!!!!" And apparently, the humiliation isn't over because Kamala is going to SING...and it will only get worse if he actually gets airplay. As proof that I am not making this up (although I'm hoping that SOMEONE is), you can check it all out for yourself at http://www.thegiantkamala.com/.

I haven't listened to any of the samples yet, but I dunno...any CD that has his face on the cover isn't going to make me rethink playing that Brian McKnight CD when I want to set the mood. I could be wrong. Maybe he can sing. Maybe it's a very touching, moving, sensual, or sexy CD.
But I doubt it. I wouldn't put money on it going platinum. For fans of Kamala, don't look for the Kamala World Tour '06 to kick off next summer. And should I be wrong about that (and from a pure humor standpoint, I'm kinda hoping I am), don't expect a pile of panties all over the stage when you go to the shows. Then again, Teddy Pendegrass was STILL getting panties thrown at him, even after he was confined to a wheelchair. No one ever accused Jeffrey Osborne or Alexander O'Neal of being lookers, either...but they GTD*, too.

And finally, to drive my personal humiliation home (in addition to him being a black wrestler that I was ALWAYS embarrassed by)...the mailing address for your check or money order to be sent to is in Mississippi. Claude Jevemus.

At least John Cena has SOME talent. With the long list of musical wrestlers out there, (K-Kwik, Road Dogg, Chris Jericho, Honky Tonk Man), I never thought I'd see this name added to the list. Then again, Macho Man's on there. I guess all bets are off. What's going to be next?

Keep your eyes peeled for the much-anticipated Greg "The Hammer" Valentine/Ultimate Warrior collabo, coming to a National Guard Armory near you. Funky Fresh in '06 fo' you SUCKAZ....

* - Got The Draws, for the uninitiated.

Quick Hit On Our Alleged War

Could someone please tell George W. Bush that the only way that the USA can win this war is to kill everyone in the region? It's hard to win hearts and minds when people are running at you with bombs. I think it's pretty safe to say that a good number of troops in the area realize that. Sure we want to support them and I think it's safe to say that everyone does. It's the alleged leadership that we don't support. There is no "Blame America First" crowd. There's a "Blame Bush" crowd, though. There's a crowd of people out there who realize that being in Iraq has nothing to do with the supposed "War on Terror." And when are you people going to realize that you can't wage war on a concept? How do you beat an enemy that isn't in a centralized location? That's like the War on Drugs. How did that one go for you? But, like the War on Drugs, there are too many people making money off of this (or very soon will be). The War on Terror will never end. It creates an atmosphere of fear because you never know where these terrorists will strike next. But don't stop spending money, because when you do...the terrorists win. And when you create that atmosphere of fear, people will listen to any mongoloid who claims to have a plan. And here is your mongoloid. America, I introduce to you...George W. Bush.

by Thad...who said long ago that nuclear weapons should have been dropped on this region decades ago...including Israel...cuz they're not helping anything. Yeah, I said it. And take out France and Eastern Canada while you're at it.

Bow Wow vs. Will Smith

I know Will Smith probably doesn't even care, but I do.
Bow Wow was recently interviewed by XXL and he made the following comments (emphasis mine):

”But to me, honestly Will wasn’t like a real rapper.”

”He was more like a gimmick. Then he zapped in to get a TV show, and it was on and poppin’. Then after that he was in Hollywood. So things came easy for him. With me, I’m a rapper. I ain’t with the whole colorful cornball type things. That’s just not my style.”

”Will [Smith] can act, but he does more of those blockbuster Hollywood movies, which I wanna do. But also I wanna do it like Denzel-movies that really mean something. I feel like I can definitely be better than him.”

Someone out there might read this and wonder what I'm so upset about. It's true, they might say. Will Smith did a lot of corny shit in his rap career, they might say. And he did. It's true. It's not like "Parents Just Don't Understand" or "I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson" are serious hip-hop fodder. No one's riding to "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" or "Boom! Shake The Room."

My thing is, who the hell is Bow Wow to say anything about Will Smith? This boy was literally shitting his diapers when Will Smith came out. Back in 1987, it was a different hip-hop world. When Will Smith came out (as the Fresh Prince), rappers weren't afraid to smile and dance and have fun. Rappers weren't so image conscious and everyone wasn't a fake gangster. Everyone was colorful back then...or am I the only one who remembers Cross Colours? It was okay to be silly back then. That's why you had acts like Kid N Play or Biz Markie or Kwame or DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. Every one of them is considered corny now, but back then...it was just different.

To say that Will Smith wasn't a real rapper is a slap in the face. Wasn't he the first rapper to receive a Grammy? Didn't he pave the road that so many rappers commonly drive their Bentleys down today? How many other rappers have had such a successful television show? How many other rappers have had such a successful movie career? Let's recap...first rapper to win a Grammy (and I don't think they even had a hip-hop category back then), first rapper to have a successful television show (if I remember correctly), executive producer credit on said show, first rapper to have a successful movie career (because the Fat Boys aren't still getting royalty checks for "Disorderlies.") It can be argued that Kid N Play did it first, but the minute Kid N Play tried to play characters not named Kid N Play, their film career was over (see "Class Act").

Will Smith also gets paid $20 million dollars a picture and has had very few busts at the box office. And really, it was just Wild, Wild, West. Will Smith has continued to reinvent himself time and time again, to keep up with modern day trends, and i know this because more than a few people liked that song "Miami" he did and yes, some of them were black. "Switch" and "Will 2K" were hits and even "Wild, Wild, West" got heavy rotation when it was out (and personally, I like that song). He's one of the few rappers from the late 80s who is still relevant now. It's Will Smith and LL Cool J. And LL's career finally ended right after "Luv U Better" stopped getting airplay (and even LL used to make silly songs back then...or am I the only one who remembers "Milky Cereal" and "Big Ol' Butt?")

And I don't care what anyone says, the ultimate summer anthem is STILL "Summertime."
And for those who get on Will Smith for his subject matter, let me say this...Will Smith is one of a small group of rappers who can rap about having money, because he really has money. Not made up money. Not money that still has to be paid back to the record company. And he doesn't feel the need to wear "bling," because like REAL rich people, he doesn't have to.

And he's married to Jada Pinkett. I'm jealous beyond words. But I digress.

Now, let's get to this...Bow Wow. First things first, he got in with his name beiing a spinoff of another rapper's name. Way to be your own man, kid. Bow Wow's not even real words. That's onomatopoeia. And does he have a hit that Da Brat didn't write? His best selling album was his first, it went double platinum and Da Brat wrote every word of it. The follow up went platinum and Da Brat wrote that one, too. The title of his movie debut, "Like Mike" is an excellent metaphor for his music career, "Like Snoop Dogg and Da Brat."

You can't call yourself a rapper if you don't write your own lyrics. Puffy knows this, that's why he doesn't call himself a rapper. And for a kid who calls himself "Bow Wow" to call another person corny...that's takes gall. The unmitigated kind.

I can't believe the nerve of this guy who's never put out an album without a ghostwriter, who's never had a song that was played the next year, let alone a certifiable classic. He talks about Will Smith, yet Will Smith put him on the Wild, Wild, West soundtrack. Yeah, Bow Wow sounds really grateful. Will Smith was the first rapper to successfully do a lot of the things these rap cats are trying to do now. Everyone out there is trying to follow in Will Smith's footsteps, from DMX to Bow Wow and most of them can't get a good show, let alone a good movie. I'm not gonna lie and say that he's a great rapper, but he's certainly a pioneer in hip-hop and deserves to be respected. Especially by someone who'll be forgotten by the time he can grow a full beard.