The following was written with the utmost respect for the late, great, James Brown. I grew up in a house where James was played on the regular, because he is, to this day, my father’s favorite artist. We don’t even call him by his last name. We just call him James, like we know him. And I like to believe that if James were to read this, he would see the humor in it, even if it’s not actually funny. He had to have a sense of humor, because let’s face it, he wrote and performed “Living in America” with a straight face.
James Brown
1933-2006
James Brown’s “Superbad” is about jerking off.
Yes, I said it. I came to this revelation in much the same way I FINALLY realized that Prince was singing about Jesus in “I Would Die 4 U:” I actually paid attention.
I was listening to the song in the car on Tuesday and the following lyrics caught my attention:
I love, I love to do my thing,And I, and I don't need, no one elseSometimes I feel so nice, good godI jump back, I wanna kiss myself
I thought to myself, What? It was at this point that decided to listen to the song over again. I had listened to this song a million times in my life, but it had never occurred to me what James Brown had been trying to tell us…he was just trying to pop one off. And he doesn’t need anyone’s help to do it. In fact, he was so good that he would make love to himself if he could do it.
The timing of this was especially strange, because, as we all know, “The Hardest Working Man In Show Business” just passed on Monday. Was he speaking to me from beyond the grave? Were the secrets behind his mostly unintelligible songs finally being revealed?
Or maybe I’m just a pervert.
The actual text of his lyrics can be found anywhere, but I’ll just be highlighting certain parts. First of all, he likes to be watched while he does it:
Watch me!
Watch me!I got it!Watch me!
I got it!HEY!
Later in the song:
Now I got a move that tells me what to do
(The move is called “Five-Knuckle Shuffle)Sometimes I feel so nice, I wanna try myself with you
(He’s so good at it, he wants you to watch him do it.)
Now, did I just imagine all that or does James Brown prefer an audience when he diddles himself? Continuing through the song, James tells us a little more about how he likes to do things:
Slap it downand round and roundup and downall around
(He likes it rough. Probably doesn’t use lotion.)right-on peoplehuh, let it all hang outif you don't brothas and sistasthen you won't knowwhat it's all about
See what he did in those last three lines? “If you don’t…then you won’t know what it’s all about.” If you don’t jerk off, then you won’t know about the first part, slapping it down and etc. etc. It’s secret code for people who also hook themselves up. I…I think I may have just told on myself.
Anytime he says, “I got a move that tells me what to do,” that means, “I’m horny.” He needs a nut, and dammit, he needs it NOW!
Maybe I’m reading too much into this. I’m certainly not making a case for my own sanity here. It seems to me that James has cleverly hidden a song about his own desires within a song that appears to just be gibberish. Well, I’m onto you, James!
Is James Brown a pervert? Am I? Well, I probably am, but the facts are laid bare…you decide.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
ECW: Another Missed Opportunity
I don't know who out there watches wrestling, but that's what this blog deals with. The WWE website has a feedback option that i sometimes use, and I don't know why I bother. I don't really believe that anyone who matters actually reads what I write, but I do it anyway. I guess it's cathartic, in a way. I personally believe that only interns at Titan Towers are reading this stuff, hence the greeting...
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Hey interns...
ECW's on right now...Boring Lashley is having his thing with Rene Dupree, so I thought that would be a good segment to ignore and write you guys.
I just don't get it, ya'll. I really don't. You had a unique opportunity and it's not the first time this one has landed in your lap. I'm not talking about pushing a certain wrestler or about Paul Heyman no longer being involved (although I don't like that, either). You guys...you just don't even want to diversify your audience, do you?
Twice now, actually three times...you've had the opportunity to cover multiple bases in the wrestling industry and failed every time. I don't think it even occurred to you. In fact, I know it didn't, because you didn't even try. When WCW closed, you had the opportunity to actually have two distinct fanbases under one umbrella. Instead, you alienated the old WCW fan and forcefed them the WWE. You could have continued to serve the WCW fan, to keep them interested, but instead, you crapped on the style of wrestling they knew and loved. You even brought it up on that Raw episode, having Michael Cole bring up that WCW fans might not get to see their brand of WRESTLING again. And they haven't. There is only WWE.
Then came the brand extension. Once again, there was an opportunity to have two distinct shows, each with a feel different than the others. Instead, it's all WWE. Raw and Smackdown are barely different. They just have different wrestlers, but it's the same mentality, the same tone. The same style of wrestling. No real difference.
Now, there's ECW. And I know you're thinking this is where I get into how you should have brought back the old ECW, that you should have left Paul Heyman to his own devices and let him do what he does. But i'm not going to do that. Yes, it would have been fun for a while, but the truth of the matter is, there's only so much garbage matches that I can watch before I get bored. But that isn't the point. The point is that once again, you could have done something different, something that wasn't WWE, and at least tried to recapture some of the audience that isn't even considering watching WWE programming.
Let's face it: the WCW fans have not come back. The ECW fans are most likely watching Japan, indy wrestling or TNA. The tape traders are also watching Japan, indy wrestling, or TNA. These fans don't want to see John Cena. These fans don't want to see Batista. These fans don't want to see Boring Lashley. They want wrestling: they don't want sports entertainment. Once again, you let a grand opportunity slip through your fingers by trying to make everyone love the WWE.
It's never going to happen. Why? Because there are too many styles of wrestling out there to try to boil everything down into the "WWE style." And sometimes, you just don't want to see that. But you don't care. That's why we have three identical shows.
Of course, Vince isn't listening. He'll probably never even see this letter. Stephanie or Triple H won't see it, either. All of them are too busy splashing around in their money-and-mermaid fountain.
Oh, Jesus...first a Boring Lashley interview, now a Borecore Holly interview. Apparently, you don't want good ratings, either. So much for growing the business.
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Hey interns...
ECW's on right now...Boring Lashley is having his thing with Rene Dupree, so I thought that would be a good segment to ignore and write you guys.
I just don't get it, ya'll. I really don't. You had a unique opportunity and it's not the first time this one has landed in your lap. I'm not talking about pushing a certain wrestler or about Paul Heyman no longer being involved (although I don't like that, either). You guys...you just don't even want to diversify your audience, do you?
Twice now, actually three times...you've had the opportunity to cover multiple bases in the wrestling industry and failed every time. I don't think it even occurred to you. In fact, I know it didn't, because you didn't even try. When WCW closed, you had the opportunity to actually have two distinct fanbases under one umbrella. Instead, you alienated the old WCW fan and forcefed them the WWE. You could have continued to serve the WCW fan, to keep them interested, but instead, you crapped on the style of wrestling they knew and loved. You even brought it up on that Raw episode, having Michael Cole bring up that WCW fans might not get to see their brand of WRESTLING again. And they haven't. There is only WWE.
Then came the brand extension. Once again, there was an opportunity to have two distinct shows, each with a feel different than the others. Instead, it's all WWE. Raw and Smackdown are barely different. They just have different wrestlers, but it's the same mentality, the same tone. The same style of wrestling. No real difference.
Now, there's ECW. And I know you're thinking this is where I get into how you should have brought back the old ECW, that you should have left Paul Heyman to his own devices and let him do what he does. But i'm not going to do that. Yes, it would have been fun for a while, but the truth of the matter is, there's only so much garbage matches that I can watch before I get bored. But that isn't the point. The point is that once again, you could have done something different, something that wasn't WWE, and at least tried to recapture some of the audience that isn't even considering watching WWE programming.
Let's face it: the WCW fans have not come back. The ECW fans are most likely watching Japan, indy wrestling or TNA. The tape traders are also watching Japan, indy wrestling, or TNA. These fans don't want to see John Cena. These fans don't want to see Batista. These fans don't want to see Boring Lashley. They want wrestling: they don't want sports entertainment. Once again, you let a grand opportunity slip through your fingers by trying to make everyone love the WWE.
It's never going to happen. Why? Because there are too many styles of wrestling out there to try to boil everything down into the "WWE style." And sometimes, you just don't want to see that. But you don't care. That's why we have three identical shows.
Of course, Vince isn't listening. He'll probably never even see this letter. Stephanie or Triple H won't see it, either. All of them are too busy splashing around in their money-and-mermaid fountain.
Oh, Jesus...first a Boring Lashley interview, now a Borecore Holly interview. Apparently, you don't want good ratings, either. So much for growing the business.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
The Most Useless Day of the Year
There are a great many things that I have deemed to be completely useless. Paris Hilton, an unattractive socialite who's claim to fame is being a slut, and didn't even have the brains to get paid for being that way. Daylights, the most useless feature ever added to a car, because during the day, we've all got access to a light that will never blow out in the lifetime of our species: the sun. Valentine's Day, a competition between women about whose man will get them the most crap that says things that men should be saying without being prompted by a corporate marketing blitz. And while these things are undoubtedly at the top of a list of useless things, I can say that I have discovered the latest addition to this illustrious list just the other day: Black Friday.
It's not a celebration. It's not even a fake celebration. It's just the day when stores put more stuff on sale than any other day of the year, perfectly timed to coincide with the excuse that we all use to buy more junk and they use to sell more junk: Christmas.
It wasn't my first Black Friday, but I sincerely believe it will be my last. Mainly because I don't ever again want to be involved in what is the saddest display of greed and materialism that Americans engage in as a group, every single year.
Most people wouldn't think that this day is such a bad thing. Most people think Black Friday is a good thing, because you can get so much stuff for cheap. I suppose that a decent argument can be made for that, but I also suppose that the argument gets thrown to the winds when people start camping outside of electronics stores as early as 7 PM the night before, just to be first in line when the doors open at 5 AM.
It's not like something brand new is coming out, like the PlayStation 3 or the Nintendo Wii, or a new Star Wars movie. Don't get me wrong, I still think it's sad to camp outside of a store for any length of time just to spend $600 for the same overpriced machine that will be in stores continuously for the next five years. I don't care if there was only 400,000 of them in the country. There will be more in March. No, these people participated in the same sadness, except it was for stuff that was in the store yesterday. It just wasn't 40% off.
So when five in the morning hits, that 40% makes people run to the back of the store at top speed, without a care for the safety of the people standing in front of them, who are likely to be run over by their greed. Who cares if they work at the store? I gotta gets my sake cups and a new cuisinart! Oh, yeah, dude…what's a cuisinart? Who cares! It's 40% off!
And two hours later, these people are still wandering around the store, looking for stuff to buy, with a shopping part full of appliances and computer parts that no reasonable person could afford. The reasonable people that can afford that stuff buy the high quality versions from stores that they don't have in your neighborhood.
Because these people have been up all night, they're a little cranky. And crankiness doesn't mix well with greed. That's when people start fighting with each other over the last wireless router that's only $16.49. And watching two slobs make even bigger jackasses out of themselves is probably the only thing that makes the day worthwhile. Except for, possibly, watching them get arrested. Or maybe even the look of realization that comes when they look up three shelves to see the wireless router that's only three dollars more, yet is twice as fast and doesn't have the reputation for being a piece of crap that the one they were just fighting over does.
Eventually, the early morning rush gives way to the crowd of people who have enough of a life that they don't camp outside, yet still wake up hours earlier than they normally would have just so they can rush down to the store, desperate to find something to buy that's cheap. They might have one or two things in mind, but mostly these people wander aimlessly and keep looking in the sale paper for something that might catch their eyes. They're not as sad as someone who would wake up their kids to come look at stuff that they MIGHT buy, but still pretty sad, nonetheless.
Lastly, these people give way to the people who have rushed in from wherever they came from looking to get that one item that they couldn't afford under normal circumstances, but they're going to try to get it today because, well…they're practically giving it away, right? The only thing is, they didn't consider the following things: The store opened at 5 AM and it's now 8:30 PM. Between now and then, there were well over a thousand people in this store looking for the same item. These are the people that get upset because they also didn't consider this little tidbit: The iPod is extremely popular. They really thought that no one else had considered buying one. I'd like for these people to know that when they're walking away, pissed because the store ONLY had 1,200 of them, the people who work in the store are laughing at them for showing up 13 and a half hours too late. Because these are the people who have a chance at being saved from stupid situations like this, I have prepared the following remarks to help drill home the point that they should do something different next time:
"What did you think was going to happen? You knew when you got in the car to get here that it was going to be gone. So now you're reduced to wandering around the store, like everyone else, looking for something cheap to buy, except your reason for doing so is because you don't want to feel like you wasted your gas to drive to
I want people in this category to feel extra shame so they'll stop doing it.
Am I understanding of anyone involved in this? Yes. The people who are working in those stores, who have to listen to you complain about the service, even though you bowled over people to get inside the store, or the people who have to help you understand which is the better product, because you don't even understand the technology you're buying. What people don't realize is that, while it's is the worker's job to do these things, on this day, everything is magnified by 1000. They'll probably have to work longer hours, too. Some stores don't even pay overtime. Would you want to put up with your ass? Try doing it for $8.00 an hour for 18 straight hours.
I guess what really bothers me the most about this day is that it epitomizes what's wrong with our society. Do we have that much disposable income where now, we just have to buy things because they're a reduced price? Are we that bored where bargain hunting is an actual hobby and one that causes us to waste money on things we don't need or even want? What does that say about our society where people will stay up all night or camp out in the street just for the right to contribute to what's annually the biggest shopping day of the year? Most people weren't even buying Christmas gifts. Did they really need a whole case of tube socks, 12 packs of blank CDs, 4 300G hard drives, 3 packs of diapers, even though they have no babies, and a GPS system? Only because it was "a good deal?"
Or maybe the plan was just to sell it on eBay. I guess the joke's on me.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
This Week In Sports 12/13/06
Controversial Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens recently gave an interview where he made comments that caused babies to cry and old white ladies to pass out. When asked about his dropped passes (something he has been known to do when, say…gravity is applied to any passing situation), he had the nerve to respond with this:
"I'm not Superman. I'm human. Michael Jordan doesn't make every shot. Jerry [Rice] hasn't caught every pass. Tiger [Woods] doesn't make every putt. I understand the expectations of me. People want me to catch every ball. The likelihood of that happening is not going to be great. I understand that."
And with those vitriolic comments, sportswriters in America finally had this bastard. They were going to nail him to the wall this time! After all, he had just compared himself to some of sports’ all time greats! Why, he hadn’t even won a championship or an MVP, boy howdy!
But for those of us who don’t think with our anuses, he didn’t compare himself to them at all. For those of us, who aren’t constantly trying to find fault with a guy who can buy and sell, say…sportswriters with the change in his ashtray, he merely said that those guys, who are great, didn’t come through every time and he isn’t going to, either. It’s just not realistic to expect him to. I think that sounds pretty humble, and the sportswriters would think so too if they weren’t busy being all-around assholes.
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And speaking of hated athletes, in their quest to erase all positive thoughts and words about Allen Iverson from the hearts and minds of America, the sportswriters have decided to reject the notion that not only is Allen Iverson NOT one of the greatest players ever seen, he’s also a terrible human being and a poo-poo head.
Just because one doesn’t like Allen Iverson doesn’t mean he’s not a great player. It’s just means that you’re probably an older white man who likes his black people to be quiet and respectful to his betters, like a nigra should be.
Two things that can’t be argued about the man:
He is one of the two best guards in the league since Michael Jordan, the other being Kobe Bryant. He is one of the two most feared players in the league, the other also being Kobe Bryant. He is one of those rare players who cannot be stopped and can win a game just through sheer force of will.
He has never had a good team around him. People bring up the team that went to the Finals, but that team only went because Allen was throwing up 50 point games. I’ve never seen a bigger group of sad sacks in the Finals in my life. The only other player worth a damn on that team besides Iverson was Dikembe Mutombo, and he was already 58 years old by that point.
His critics call him a selfish ballhog, but they don’t ever want to talk about the subpar quality of his teams. Lately, all they do is point to how he has a past-his-prime Chris Webber (who still hasn’t been worked into the offense enough, I think), and yet he still shoots too many shots. They also forget the fact that since Larry Brown left town, his assists (currently 10th), as well as scoring (currently 1st), have been up. They don’t ever want to talk about how guys like Kyle Korver, Willie Green, or Andre Igoudala have never been consistent producers when given the opportunity. They don’t want to talk about how NO ONE on the Sixers plays defense, and how, at 5’11”, there’s not much AI can do to defend a lot of players, so it’s not like he can pick up the slack. And while I use this stat against LeBron James all the time, Allen Iverson is second on the league in steals.
I don’t like the idea that it’s Allen Iverson’s fault that the Sixers don’t win when general manager Billy King has been doing about as well as a guy who’s randomly picking a roster from the D-League players on NBA Live 07. If you move about 1000 miles west, you don’t hear any complaining about Kevin Garnett being at fault for why the Timberwolves don’t win. Everyone readily admits that it’s Kevin McHale’s fault, yet they’re in the same situation. Just admit that Billy King knows about as much as being a general manager as I do about inventing a machine that lets you hump your dreams in real-time. And seeing as how I’m not getting ready to pound Laura Oliver’s guts until her liver falls out while we ride a coal powered train throughout 1850’s South Carolina (an actual dream I had in the fourth grade), I’d say that my inventing career is turning out just like Billy King’s managing career: an abject failure.
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Today, it was actually newsworthy that Daisuke Matsuzaka was on a plane, flying back to Boston to sign his contract to join the Boston Red Sox. For those who don’t know, the Boston Red Sox paid $51.1 million dollars to the Seibu Lions for permission to talk to Matsuzaka’s agent and translator. I referred to it as the “world’s most expensive peep show.” And finally, the Red Sox have signed him to a 6 year, $52 million dollar deal, which basically means that they’re paying $17 million a year for a guy that might turn out to be a bust. Not since Isiah Thomas became the Knicks’ boss did one organization set itself to be made fun of so easily. And the ins and outs of this situation had become such frequent news that I was honestly able to spell Daisuke Matsuzaka from memory.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know this has absolutely nothing to do with sports, but KFC has started printing on their buckets of chicken that they have a “food safety assurance.” They want to assure the customer that their food is safe to eat and at first glance, it’s all well and good. But when you think about it, how many people had to die for KFC to put something like that on their buckets? How much flesh-eating bacteria was in there before they added the guarantee? You didn’t see Wendy’s telling everyone that there was “over 78% less severed fingers in our chili!” Taco Bell never felt the need to let us know that their beans had been “lovingly prepared with less human feces.” Burger King didn’t have a promotional blitz that included telling people about how there were no more chicken heads in their chicken tenders or no more psychopaths jerking off in the mayonnaise.
Which leads me to wonder: What the hell happened at KFC to make them put that on their buckets? What scandal was swept under the rug to keep us from vomiting at the thought of finding something awful in our two piece extra crispy? How many millions were paid to that lucky person to keep them from showing the thing that they found on CNN? KFC would tell me it was nothing. A giant “nothing” that required millions in damage control.
"I'm not Superman. I'm human. Michael Jordan doesn't make every shot. Jerry [Rice] hasn't caught every pass. Tiger [Woods] doesn't make every putt. I understand the expectations of me. People want me to catch every ball. The likelihood of that happening is not going to be great. I understand that."
And with those vitriolic comments, sportswriters in America finally had this bastard. They were going to nail him to the wall this time! After all, he had just compared himself to some of sports’ all time greats! Why, he hadn’t even won a championship or an MVP, boy howdy!
But for those of us who don’t think with our anuses, he didn’t compare himself to them at all. For those of us, who aren’t constantly trying to find fault with a guy who can buy and sell, say…sportswriters with the change in his ashtray, he merely said that those guys, who are great, didn’t come through every time and he isn’t going to, either. It’s just not realistic to expect him to. I think that sounds pretty humble, and the sportswriters would think so too if they weren’t busy being all-around assholes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And speaking of hated athletes, in their quest to erase all positive thoughts and words about Allen Iverson from the hearts and minds of America, the sportswriters have decided to reject the notion that not only is Allen Iverson NOT one of the greatest players ever seen, he’s also a terrible human being and a poo-poo head.
Just because one doesn’t like Allen Iverson doesn’t mean he’s not a great player. It’s just means that you’re probably an older white man who likes his black people to be quiet and respectful to his betters, like a nigra should be.
Two things that can’t be argued about the man:
He is one of the two best guards in the league since Michael Jordan, the other being Kobe Bryant. He is one of the two most feared players in the league, the other also being Kobe Bryant. He is one of those rare players who cannot be stopped and can win a game just through sheer force of will.
He has never had a good team around him. People bring up the team that went to the Finals, but that team only went because Allen was throwing up 50 point games. I’ve never seen a bigger group of sad sacks in the Finals in my life. The only other player worth a damn on that team besides Iverson was Dikembe Mutombo, and he was already 58 years old by that point.
His critics call him a selfish ballhog, but they don’t ever want to talk about the subpar quality of his teams. Lately, all they do is point to how he has a past-his-prime Chris Webber (who still hasn’t been worked into the offense enough, I think), and yet he still shoots too many shots. They also forget the fact that since Larry Brown left town, his assists (currently 10th), as well as scoring (currently 1st), have been up. They don’t ever want to talk about how guys like Kyle Korver, Willie Green, or Andre Igoudala have never been consistent producers when given the opportunity. They don’t want to talk about how NO ONE on the Sixers plays defense, and how, at 5’11”, there’s not much AI can do to defend a lot of players, so it’s not like he can pick up the slack. And while I use this stat against LeBron James all the time, Allen Iverson is second on the league in steals.
I don’t like the idea that it’s Allen Iverson’s fault that the Sixers don’t win when general manager Billy King has been doing about as well as a guy who’s randomly picking a roster from the D-League players on NBA Live 07. If you move about 1000 miles west, you don’t hear any complaining about Kevin Garnett being at fault for why the Timberwolves don’t win. Everyone readily admits that it’s Kevin McHale’s fault, yet they’re in the same situation. Just admit that Billy King knows about as much as being a general manager as I do about inventing a machine that lets you hump your dreams in real-time. And seeing as how I’m not getting ready to pound Laura Oliver’s guts until her liver falls out while we ride a coal powered train throughout 1850’s South Carolina (an actual dream I had in the fourth grade), I’d say that my inventing career is turning out just like Billy King’s managing career: an abject failure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today, it was actually newsworthy that Daisuke Matsuzaka was on a plane, flying back to Boston to sign his contract to join the Boston Red Sox. For those who don’t know, the Boston Red Sox paid $51.1 million dollars to the Seibu Lions for permission to talk to Matsuzaka’s agent and translator. I referred to it as the “world’s most expensive peep show.” And finally, the Red Sox have signed him to a 6 year, $52 million dollar deal, which basically means that they’re paying $17 million a year for a guy that might turn out to be a bust. Not since Isiah Thomas became the Knicks’ boss did one organization set itself to be made fun of so easily. And the ins and outs of this situation had become such frequent news that I was honestly able to spell Daisuke Matsuzaka from memory.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know this has absolutely nothing to do with sports, but KFC has started printing on their buckets of chicken that they have a “food safety assurance.” They want to assure the customer that their food is safe to eat and at first glance, it’s all well and good. But when you think about it, how many people had to die for KFC to put something like that on their buckets? How much flesh-eating bacteria was in there before they added the guarantee? You didn’t see Wendy’s telling everyone that there was “over 78% less severed fingers in our chili!” Taco Bell never felt the need to let us know that their beans had been “lovingly prepared with less human feces.” Burger King didn’t have a promotional blitz that included telling people about how there were no more chicken heads in their chicken tenders or no more psychopaths jerking off in the mayonnaise.
Which leads me to wonder: What the hell happened at KFC to make them put that on their buckets? What scandal was swept under the rug to keep us from vomiting at the thought of finding something awful in our two piece extra crispy? How many millions were paid to that lucky person to keep them from showing the thing that they found on CNN? KFC would tell me it was nothing. A giant “nothing” that required millions in damage control.
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