The Tony Majestic Financial Report

I am insulted by what President Bush thinks about me. He thinks I’m just some money-wasting, greedy American who is forever following the trends that TV is forcing upon me.

President Bush believes that giving certain Americans an extra $400 to $800 dollars will stimulate the economy and fend off the impending recession, more than enforcing sound business practices or providing jobs would. It’s his belief that giving us this money will make us go out and buy stuff, even in the face of foreclosure or three-dollar gas.

I am truly insulted, sir. What kind of person do you think I am? What, do you think I’m gonna see a free check from Uncle Sam and go, “Whoo, Lawd! I’mma go cash this at the liquor sto’ right now, so I can get the whole bottle of Cristal at the club tonight!”

Just the idea that he believes that enough people would blow through some free money quickly enough to slightly stimulate the economy is crazy. I mean, I ain’t no financial expert (hell, I’ve never even balanced a checkbook), but I know enough about not having money to know that if $600 fell from the sky tomorrow, the last thing I’m gonna be thinking about is using it to make a down payment on a flatscreen TV.

But that’s what they’re banking on, that we will waste this money on disposable goods, that we are all just a bunch of broke, greedy souls who can’t wait to be separated from our money by Corporate America. Sure, that usually holds true when it comes to things like cell phones (i.e., the song that plays when you call someone…they’re paying two bucks a month for a song that they’ll never hear), or auto accessories (chrome rims…that spin), but I expect most people that qualify for this small government handout will use it to pay bills or try to save some of it. You know, they’ll be trying to dig themselves out of a hole that the government helped get a lot of them into.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bush. Thanks for thinking so little of us. We don’t even have the self control to hold on to a few hundred dollars without leaving it at Best Buy. The financial analysts out there are acting like we’re about to hit the lottery. It’s four hundred dollars (eight hundred at the most)! How much can you really buy with four hundred dollars? Seriously, I am insulted by this.

I’ll be even more insulted if I don’t get a check. I’m going to the mailbox right now to wait for mine. There’s a PS3 at Wal-Mart with my name on it.