On behalf of comic book fans everywhere...

“Why do people try to impress comic book fans with their non-knowledge of comic books? Since when did it become okay to try to impress the people whose stereotype includes not smelling well, living in their mother’s basement, and never, ever, getting any? These are not the people you should seek to impress, unless you’re one of the goth kids or anyone in the chess club. If you’re looking to impress someone whose ass you can kick without putting down the Big Mac you’re using to distract them, you’re in worse shape than I thought. Comic book fans are the kind of people who can easily waste three hours arguing about whether or not Wonder Woman is really bulletproof instead of venturing into the outside world to breathe air that doesn’t contain dust mites. Don’t ask me how I know that.

Look, I’m not going to be impressed with you if you’ve got 10 “Superman” #75’s bagged and stored in your closet. Seriously, I don’t care. Do you really think comic book readers sit around and compare notes on what they have in their collections? Well…sometimes. But most likely, we’ll discuss the mistakes we’ve made in our buying habits. No one but a comic book fan could understand my shame in proclaiming that I bought six “Savage Dragon” #1s because I wanted to make sure I had all of the different colored logos. They know what I’m talking about because they probably did it, too.

So unless you’re giving them to us for free, none of us care about your “collection of first editions, bagged and boxed,” because chances are, they’re something you bought in the early 90s, when everyone got sucked into buying comic books that they thought were going to be worth a fortune in 30 years. So allow me to burst that bubble, too: Anything you bought in between 1992 and 1996 is practically worthless. Millions of copies of that stuff was printed to satiate people like you, who thought they’d stumbled upon a gold mine. The comic book industry almost imploded as a result and Rob Liefeld became a star in the process. Thanks a bunch for bringing that upon us. No, comic book fans don’t care, so stop telling them. We’d rather know if you’ve actually read the story inside or who you think would win between Deathstroke and Captain America.

One more thing: Stop calling them “first editions.” You’re just giving yourself away.”