Keep On Being Cunty: The Guide to Being Alone Forever

If you're one of these women who likes to repost those pictures and statuses about how proud you are to be a difficult woman, you go fuck yourself right now. 

So, lemme get this straight:  You're a pain in the ass.  You're moody.  You're difficult.  You're selfish.  You know all of these things about yourself, aren't trying to change any of them, and you still think you're worth the effort?  Get the fuck outta here, because nowhere in that list did you say you were gonna cook or give massages or give the bomb head or anything.  You didn't say that you were smart or interesting, either.  I hope you didn't think that your personality was going to make time spent with you "worth it," because you've already established you're a piece of shit.

If this is your description of yourself and you're single, I hope you're able to figure out that you're the reason why.  It's not because no man is worthy of your charms or whatever princess-fantasy-bullshit lie you tell yourself.  Oh, so only a worthy or deserving man will put up with you long enough for you to reveal your true nature?  What, are you supposed to be Excalibur, waiting for the king to pull you out of the stone?  You must be as stupid as that fantasy sounds. 

As a rule of thumb, you should try to be a good person before you meet the person you want to be with.  But you haven't done that, because you'd rather keep on being all cunty.  The reason for that is simple:  It's because you're a horrible human being.  And people who are horrible human beings are generally called words like "bitch" or "cunt."  They don't call you that because they're sensitive, either.  They do it mostly because you're a bitch.  Or a cunt.  Trust me, you've earned that vile description.  Now, maybe I'm stupid, but I'm trying to figure out how those qualities mean that you deserve a man at all, even a shitty one.

No one likes those types of people, especially not a man who faces the prospect of spending his life being infected with your presence.  See, to land a man, you should be someone he can stand to be around without a social lubricant of some sort in his system.  In short, if he can't pass the drug test at his job before he comes to see you, you probably need to work on your personality.  Or he's got a drug problem.  But there's a 45-55% chance that it's you.

No man wants to deal with that all the time.  Yes, women like to argue, because right or wrong, you'll continue to do it, like a robot that was programmed to do one thing.  You seem to thrive on arguing and drama, even if it doesn't involve you, which is why reality TV is still a thing.  We're not built like that.  We expect the argument to stop at some point, which is why we forget that you're still upset during that lull in the action.  We think it's over, not realizing that you're on the other side of the bed, still thinking about it.  You're over there plotting and we're trying to decide which ESPN we're going to watch for the rest of the night.  We're just not built for that. 

It makes no sense to us why you would want to be a hard ass about everything, because the more time you're trying to test or manipulate us, that's time wasted that we could have been doing something productive.  For instance: 

You could have been playing each other in Ms. Pac-Man.  You could have been coloring.  You could have been playing "What A Fool Believes" on repeat.  Or you could have been making sweet, sweet love.  That's right, you could have been balls deep in the throes of passion right now, but you had to try to see how much abuse he was willing to take from you.  And for what?  Are you planning on being like that forever?  Answer carefully, because it leads right into my next question:  "What man would want to marry a woman who still throws temper tantrums?"  There's only two ways that relationship could end, one of them is probably a murder-suicide.  The other is an anger stroke.  Happiness is nowhere in the equation. 

And to find out that you were doing it on purpose the whole time?  I hope you drown in your own vomit.

I really shouldn't have to tell you this, but you're going to have to grow up.  Learn to play well with others.  Share.  Smile.  Be a pleasant person.  Everyone likes pleasant people.  Especially men who might want to marry you.  And if you're not able to do that, you better be able to fuck really well.  That's your only hope.  Don't even expect that your good looks (if you have them, because ugly chicks are bold these days, too) will get you over.  You will get older at some point, and wrinkle creams can't do anything about sagging breasts. 

Feel free to keep on being cunty, though.  It's just that more often than not, you'll be doing it alone.  Although there are always suckers out there. 

Where did women get that idea that this was acceptable behavior in the first place? I know one of those pictures filled with this sage advice has been attributed to Marilyn Monroe.  I don't know if she actually said that stupid shit, but then, who wouldn't want to be just like Marilyn Monroe?  Who wouldn't want to be a homewrecker carrying on secret relationships with the most famous man on the planet and his brother.  That's it, ladies; just keep reaching for the stars.  

Yes, Jay-Z is a role model, too.

You can't dictate who another race's role models should be.  I know it's hard for some white conservatives to understand, but you can't tell black people that their role models need to meet your approval.  Well, you can, but we're going to ignore you.  No matter how much you think Condoleezza Rice would be better for black youth than Jay-Z, you don't get to make that decision.  If it were up to you, do you really think Superfly would have taken hold in the 70s like it did? 

Pretty random topic, right?  Well, I had a conversation with a lady on Twitter today about this exact thing.  I should have been focused on my work, but this was way more interesting.  Because what kind of person tells me (as an example, just to make this sentence work) that my role model isn't good enough for them?  You've got to have some big balls, lady. 

Why shouldn't a kid look up to Jay-Z?  The man is rich and famous, and since kids are stupid and shallow these days, that's really all they need to know.  But he was a drug dealer, that lady said, and drug dealing rappers who glorify drug dealing are not worthy of role modelhood.  I'm paraphrasing, because she was way more long-winded.  Also, in my mind, she was wagging her finger at me.  "Tut, tut," I think she said.

On the surface, she might be right.  After all, these are the things that they say about Jay-Z on Fox News, and we all know they're never wrong.  At least they picked someone who has rapped about the drug game, unlike the time they went after Common.   But yes, Jay-Z did sell drugs - almost 20 years ago.  And if the crux of your argument against rappers being role models is something one used to do 20 years ago, you've lost the argument before it even started.  I mean, if you picked Nicki Minaj for this debate, I would have agreed with you, unless the goal was for your kids to become clowns.  It would have nothing to do with her drug history, because I don't know if she did or didn't.  I just wouldn't want my kids to act like that.

Also, let's not start digging into the past of some of these conservative heroes, because I won't even need to leave the decade before I get a hit.  But we're talking about Jay-Z.

Anyway, he's changed his life since those days.  Yeah, he got a little stabby there at one point, but all in all, he's turned things around.  You don't see him getting into fights or arrested for marijuana or gun possession.  He built companies, bought others, run other companies, sold those companies, and built more.  He's produced movies.  He was a minority owner of a sports team, and now, he's a sports agent.  A guy that was a drug dealer from Brooklyn.  Now, he's got an art film out on HBO and had Samsung buy his album to give away for free.  He's married to the biggest singer on the planet.  He can call the President.  What about his life doesn't make him a role model? 

What, the music?  You can disagree with the music all you like, but the life story shows people that no matter where you are, no matter what your circumstances, you can change them, and you can get out.  However, since you brought up the music, well, for one, I know you haven't listened to any of it.  Jay-Z had exactly two albums about drug dealing, and one of those was actually about a movie.  The other one was about why you shouldn't become a drug dealer.  All of his other albums were about being rich, famous, and sex with women.  Money, cash, hoes, in essence.  And the time he shot his brother.  And that one song about his mom.

So ever since that first album, Jay-Z has rapped about his life after he stopped being a drug dealer.  If you're going to accuse him of something, at least know what you're talking about.  Now, if you want to get on him for misogyny?  Fine, he probably wasn't the best on gender relations.  Cussing too much?  You got me there.  Defending the use of the n-word?  We'd be on the same side.  I think he's got a lot to be proud of, though.  He has a creative mind, a hard-working individual, and knows his business.  So if anyone is going to get through to some of these kids, it would be him.  They can't say he hasn't been where they've been.  

That's not to knock Condoleezza Rice, because she's a role model as well.  She's a positive woman who came up during segregation, played all kinds of musical instruments, taught at Stanford, advised two Presidents, and was appointed to the Cabinet; fields that are almost always dominated by men.  No shade on Condi at all, even if she does have Bush's stink on her.  But to cast Jay-Z aside because of the decisions he made in his past is really discounting his value.  Not only that, I guess black people just accept flawed individuals more easily than white conservatives do.  One of the benefits of so many of us going to jail, I guess.

The fact that he sold drugs, grew up in a fatherless home, shot his brother, and still managed to become what he is today is what makes him a role model.  His life is the life that a lot of kids of all colors see every day.  He's not pushing the drug life on kids, he's shining the light of redemption.  And if you can't see that, then I don't have anything else for you.

Don Lemon was right. Yeah, you already knew.

Don Lemon said some real stuff on CNN the other day and folks got pissed.  They were suddenly butthurt for a number of reasons, but I wouldn't know what most of them are, because I try to keep ignorant bullshit out of my timeline.  I just know what I didn't like about it, but we'll get to that later.  First things first, though:  Don Lemon was right.  And if you disagree, you're probably part of the problem.  Because who can argue with shit like pulling your pants up or finishing high school? 

He didn't even say "go to college."  Just get a diploma.  Be more respectful.  Don't throw trash on the ground.  Simple, basic things.  He's not telling you to cure sickle cell, and be grateful he didn't, because if you're fighting him this hard on proper pants height, imagine how rough the discussion on nucleopeptides is going to be.

He basically said on TV what many of us have said to each other:  "You look like an asshole wearing your pants like that."  "Hey, stupid.  Read a book."  "I ain't nobody's 'nigga.'"  What, because he's on CNN, he's not supposed to say it?  Well, would it make you feel better if I said it?  I don't have a show on CNN, but if you reread this paragraph, you can still get the message. 

Seriously, y'all.  You wanna go to war over "pull your pants up," "finish high school," and "stop littering?"  Get the fuck outta here.  If you're worried about Don Lemon looking down on you for that, if it helps you feel better, I'm broke and I still look down on you for at least two of those.  You're fighting the wrong battle here.  Instead of being mad at Don Lemon, how about you get mad at some math problems?  How about you go to war against that dropout rate? 

I guess some people are feeling like he was judging them, but if you couldn't finish high school and don't have a good excuse, you probably should be judged.  Still, he wasn't judging you, he was telling you that you can do better.  I'm not saying that we don't all make mistakes (I swear, a bunch of y'all don't need to be parents.  Can't you just give your kids to someone else?  Because under your care, you're just creating the next generation of criminals.), but it doesn't mean you can't make a better life for yourself.

If you have kids, would you want them walking around like that?  If the answer is "yes," you probably weren't going to read this anyway, and probably would have given up after I said, "nucleopeptides."  But for the rest of you, I'm sure that you have higher goals for your kids than an appearance on WorldStar. 

It's not even about trying to look good for white people, because there are plenty of black folks who have been screaming this shit for years.  Lots of us are just embarrassed by what we see now.  I know I am.  Hell, I was embarrassed 15 years ago, when Bill Cosby said it.  And the same folks that complained about him are probably the same ones complaining now.  Lemme guess, you don't want anyone messing with your food stamps, either.  But this has got nothing to do with white people.  Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm tired of seeing young black men on the news for home invasion. 

But maybe that's what people don't like, that he said it in front of the white people.  Well, we've proven that saying it in private doesn't help, because look at where we are now.  I'm sure Bill Cosby and Don Lemon weren't the first people to try to give you some advice.  If you weren't listening either of those two times, then what else are people supposed to do?  No one's asking you to save the world, but can you stop going to jail?  Is that too high a bar for you to reach?  Are repeat visits really necessary, or did you not take in the entire experience the first time? 

The only problem I have with Don Lemon is that he said, "Bill O'Reilly is right."  It almost de-legitimized everything that followed, because Bill O'Reilly is never right.  It's like siding with the cast of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."  You're agreeing with terrible people who are only looking out for their own self interests 100% of the time.  Bill O'Reilly doesn't give a shit about anything that black people do unless they're on his set, and only after security has patted them down.  This is the same asshole who told Marc Lamont Hill that he looked like a drug dealer.  This is the same asshole who said that he was "shocked" that the black staff at Sylvia's, a restaurant in Harlem, could speak without cursing. 

I'm probably not the best example of that right now, but who gives a fuck with Bill O'Reilly thinks about black people?  He didn't have shit to say about black-on-black crime until (like every other right-winger in America) it became a talking point, because they were sick of people talking about Trayvon Martin.  Fuck Bill O'Reilly and anyone who looks like him. 

That's the only mistake Don Lemon made.  He did Bill O'Reilly a favor, one that will never be returned.  I get that he was trying to make a point, and he wanted to show that he was actually fair and balanced, but there are plenty of other non-hate filled people to use as an example.  It doesn't even matter if Bill O'Reilly was right (and I will never say that he was).  Don Lemon sided with one of the worst human beings in America.  Otherwise, I would have taken up for Don Lemon from the start. 

The best I can do for him now is say that calling him an "Uncle Tom" is extreme.  He's not an "Uncle Tom," because it's not like he's Crystal Wright (she's like "Aunt Ruckus," if you're unfamiliar).  Again, he wasn't wrong, and it didn't hurt me.  If anything, I deal more with the fallout of that stuff, because when someone sees me, they expect me to be like the stereotype they've heard about, and I'm in my mid-30s.  Like it or not, we're viewed as a group, and that's hurting us way more than he is.  He has a job, a platform, and isn't an embarrassment.  What do you bring to the table? 

So Don Lemon shouldn't lose his "black card," or "hood pass," or whatever the fuck we're calling it now because you're sensitive about your life choices.  Are his suggestions going to fix all of Black America's problems?  Of course not; no one's stupid enough to think that.  But if we can't even respect each other enough to stop calling ourselves "nigga," how are we going to fix the bigger stuff?