Keep On Being Cunty: The Guide to Being Alone Forever

If you're one of these women who likes to repost those pictures and statuses about how proud you are to be a difficult woman, you go fuck yourself right now. 

So, lemme get this straight:  You're a pain in the ass.  You're moody.  You're difficult.  You're selfish.  You know all of these things about yourself, aren't trying to change any of them, and you still think you're worth the effort?  Get the fuck outta here, because nowhere in that list did you say you were gonna cook or give massages or give the bomb head or anything.  You didn't say that you were smart or interesting, either.  I hope you didn't think that your personality was going to make time spent with you "worth it," because you've already established you're a piece of shit.

If this is your description of yourself and you're single, I hope you're able to figure out that you're the reason why.  It's not because no man is worthy of your charms or whatever princess-fantasy-bullshit lie you tell yourself.  Oh, so only a worthy or deserving man will put up with you long enough for you to reveal your true nature?  What, are you supposed to be Excalibur, waiting for the king to pull you out of the stone?  You must be as stupid as that fantasy sounds. 

As a rule of thumb, you should try to be a good person before you meet the person you want to be with.  But you haven't done that, because you'd rather keep on being all cunty.  The reason for that is simple:  It's because you're a horrible human being.  And people who are horrible human beings are generally called words like "bitch" or "cunt."  They don't call you that because they're sensitive, either.  They do it mostly because you're a bitch.  Or a cunt.  Trust me, you've earned that vile description.  Now, maybe I'm stupid, but I'm trying to figure out how those qualities mean that you deserve a man at all, even a shitty one.

No one likes those types of people, especially not a man who faces the prospect of spending his life being infected with your presence.  See, to land a man, you should be someone he can stand to be around without a social lubricant of some sort in his system.  In short, if he can't pass the drug test at his job before he comes to see you, you probably need to work on your personality.  Or he's got a drug problem.  But there's a 45-55% chance that it's you.

No man wants to deal with that all the time.  Yes, women like to argue, because right or wrong, you'll continue to do it, like a robot that was programmed to do one thing.  You seem to thrive on arguing and drama, even if it doesn't involve you, which is why reality TV is still a thing.  We're not built like that.  We expect the argument to stop at some point, which is why we forget that you're still upset during that lull in the action.  We think it's over, not realizing that you're on the other side of the bed, still thinking about it.  You're over there plotting and we're trying to decide which ESPN we're going to watch for the rest of the night.  We're just not built for that. 

It makes no sense to us why you would want to be a hard ass about everything, because the more time you're trying to test or manipulate us, that's time wasted that we could have been doing something productive.  For instance: 

You could have been playing each other in Ms. Pac-Man.  You could have been coloring.  You could have been playing "What A Fool Believes" on repeat.  Or you could have been making sweet, sweet love.  That's right, you could have been balls deep in the throes of passion right now, but you had to try to see how much abuse he was willing to take from you.  And for what?  Are you planning on being like that forever?  Answer carefully, because it leads right into my next question:  "What man would want to marry a woman who still throws temper tantrums?"  There's only two ways that relationship could end, one of them is probably a murder-suicide.  The other is an anger stroke.  Happiness is nowhere in the equation. 

And to find out that you were doing it on purpose the whole time?  I hope you drown in your own vomit.

I really shouldn't have to tell you this, but you're going to have to grow up.  Learn to play well with others.  Share.  Smile.  Be a pleasant person.  Everyone likes pleasant people.  Especially men who might want to marry you.  And if you're not able to do that, you better be able to fuck really well.  That's your only hope.  Don't even expect that your good looks (if you have them, because ugly chicks are bold these days, too) will get you over.  You will get older at some point, and wrinkle creams can't do anything about sagging breasts. 

Feel free to keep on being cunty, though.  It's just that more often than not, you'll be doing it alone.  Although there are always suckers out there. 

Where did women get that idea that this was acceptable behavior in the first place? I know one of those pictures filled with this sage advice has been attributed to Marilyn Monroe.  I don't know if she actually said that stupid shit, but then, who wouldn't want to be just like Marilyn Monroe?  Who wouldn't want to be a homewrecker carrying on secret relationships with the most famous man on the planet and his brother.  That's it, ladies; just keep reaching for the stars.