Moral failings are no longer news

Dial it back a little bit, commentators. Tiger Woods' career isn't even gonna take a hit from this. No one even really cared about this story until AFTER he drove into a tree. Until then, it was just another athlete stepping out on his wife. "Yawn. At least Shaq slept with Gilbert Arenas's wife to make it interesting."

Sure, it's embarrassing, having private voicemails and text messages out there in the public eye, but in the end, who's really gonna care? Yes, he was wrong, but he didn't do anything to the public-at-large, so why would any rational person hold this against him? The only person he owes any explanation to is the white woman that hit him with that golf club. Me, I'm just hoping Tiger learned not to leave the evidence everywhere for folks to find next time.

See, people don't seem to realize that we don't live in the "stare-down-your-nose-disapprovingly-and-judgmentally" society anymore. No one cares about the moral failings of our celebrities, which is why "making great movies" is an adequate defense for Roman Polanski drugging and raping a 14-year-old. No, "giving a shit" keeps us from laughing at Lil Wayne having four kids by four different women this year. That shit SHOULD BE disgusting, but that's just the way of the world today. Ah, bastard children. Hilarious.

It's 2009, though, and we love our TMZ, Smoking Gun, and reality TV. We don't like to point out that our public figures are ethically and morally bankrupt (except politicians and corporate CEOs, of course...fucking with my money), because we're writing it off as "entertainment." "I love watching these rich hood rats fight each other, because it's not real life. It's inside the TV. Hey, you heard that new R. Kelly yet?" No, one really cares, because our public figures in 2009 are just as trashy (or in Robert's case, WAY MORE trashy) as the rest of us.

Now, if Tiger had done something that got him put in handcuffs, you might see a little different reaction, the kind of overreaction that's always about "the children." You know, because everyone knows that kids are huge fans of golf and the news.

But the way the world is now, can anyone REALLY get on him too harshly for this? I mean, it's hard to judge someone when you're hiding mistresses' phone numbers under guys names in your cell phone. "No, baby, Jared's not a woman; he's saving his voice for karaoke." It's hard to point fingers when you're taking phone numbers from guys that you KNOW want to fuck you, relationship or not, justifying it by calling them "my friends."

How many regular folks these days are cheating on their husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends? What's the divorce rate these days, like 55%? Politicians are dropping off the moral high horse like flies and it seems like every day, some celebrity is getting caught up in the same trashy drama that regular folks do. It's old hat now, seeing a wife chasing her husband down the street with a golf club, while he drives into a tree. That happened over here six times before the mailman came.

We should just be glad that what happened was all that happened. No one got stabbed, no one got shot, no one got beaten into a pulp in the passenger seat of the car, because Tiger's concussion came while he was still in the house. Allegedly.

It would be nice if all of our public figures would stop sleeping with everyone, but that's not likely to happen. They're not magical faery folk from a fabled land far away, they come from the same places that we do, so it's not like we should be shocked that they act this way if WE are also acting this way. All we can do is keep trying to do better ourselves, and hopefully, it'll rub off on others. And by "keep trying," I mean "START trying."

Tiger Woods ain't gotta say shit

By now, everybody has heard about Tiger Woods running into a tree down the street from his house at 2:30 in the morning. Everybody knows about his face being scratched up, how he had blood in his mouth, and how he was laid out in the street when the cops got there. Everybody knows that his wife busted out the windows of the truck to save him. We also know that Tiger ain't saying shit else.

He's not talking to the cops, he's not talking to reporters; I don't even think he's coming outside until his face is healed up. And you know what? He doesn't have to.

I know reporters are going to keep trying to get at the truth, because that's what they're paid to do. I know the cops want a statement, because he drove over a fire hydrant and hit a tree. But Tiger hasn't committed a crime here. Tiger has no obligation to the press and once he showed his license and registration to the cops, he didn't have to say anything further to them. He doesn't have to tell the whole story to us or anyone else. At this point, all we're doing is wasting gas flying helicopters around his house or posting up on the corner looking for a statement. We're not getting one.

He already said all he was going to say on the matter, and while I don't believe the official story (if she had the good sense to run and get a golf club to bash out the window, why couldn't she grab the extra car keys instead? Because she already had the club and wasn't done swinging it at him yet. That's why he ain't have no shoes on, cuz that chick was crazy.), who the fuck am I?

This is one of the things that's wrong with us: Even though we have all these websites and folks with cameras everywhere and Twitter, these folks are entitled to their privacy and we don't need to know everything that's going on inside their homes. The irony is, the same people who are trying to get the dirt on Tiger (or any other celebrity) are the same ones who sit around complaining about how "that nosy bitch won't keep my name out her mouth."

Tiger (or anyone else) don't owe us shit. Some people believe that because they spend their money to see them or wear their clothes or whatever the case may be, that these folks owe them something. "I spent all this money supporting you, and this is the thanks I get? Where's the gratitude?" It's kind of a backwards way of thinking to me. It's not like we give these people money out of the kindness of our hearts. We're getting something for our money.

We get to watch Tiger play golf or we get to wear Michael's shoes or we get to listen to Jay-Z's music. At that point, we're even with these cats. Money was paid, services were rendered, everybody's square. Obsessing over their lives is something you're doing for free, and just because you're putting all this extra time into them doesn't mean that they actually owe you extra information. You don't extra credit for being a fanatic (or being nosy), unless your goal is to get a restraining order.

So go ahead and keep quiet, Tiger. The speculation is more fun, anyway. And it's amazes me how quickly everyone learned to pronounce "Uchitel."